Original subtitles

For the past few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly

for a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...

- Hello. - ...And the little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

Karl, I've got a couple of little facts for ya,

just to try and inflame your imagination.

Go on.

Sharks are immune to cancer.

- Are they? - Yep.

So what...

How have they found that out?

Well, I don't know but...

But I've never heard of any fish having cancer though.

I haven't heard of a cod being ill.

So why are we focusing on that one?

Good point. Okay.

Stroking a spider can cause its hair to fall out.

What, because... It doesn't like it and it gets stressed out

or is it just that some people are rubbing too hard?

No, I don't think it's they're rubbing too hard.

I think it's somewhat to do with...

I mean, what sort of maniac is stroking a spider anyway?

- Me mom did it once. - Really?

- Yeah, not to a spider. - Right.

It was a... Just a little bee.

She'd been out... um, sunny day and that.

Uh, got the washing off the washing line.

She was bringing it in. A little bee sat on the top

of, like, the bed sheet or whatever it was.

And, uh, she's in the kitchen with it and she goes "look at that."

Little bee there, she's like sort of stroking its head.

It loved it.

How did it make it clear that it loved it?

Well, it wasn't struggling. It was just sat there like...

'Cause it must have been a bit dozy. They get a bit dozy,

don't they, uh, in the heat and that?

And it just stayed there on the sheet and she'd sort of stroked his head for a bit.

And she had to put it out. It didn't go out. It didn't try and escape.

It's like "you had enough now."

That was that. She sent it out.

She loved all that.

She loved little flies and stuff. We had Harry the housefly.

- What? - Harry the housefly.

- What do you mean? - It's just a fly

that always seemed to knock about in one corner of the room.

Right, it's the same fly, was it?

- It was the same fly. - How do you know it was the same fly?

So whenever she saw a fly, she went, "oh look, it's back."

We weren't letting -em in. It's just that it stayed in.

Karl, what makes you think

it was a pet housefly as opposed to a different fly every day?

'Cause it was always in the same place in the corner.

But it could have been that something about that particular place

that attracted flies, rather than it was the same fly.

I never worried about it. It's not... it wasn't harming us.

It was just... it just always hung about.

But how do you know it was the same fly? How do you recognize it?

We weren't worried about it. It doesn't matter, does it,

if like we're thinking another fly's getting a bit of free rent or something?

We just let it stay. I don't understand why...

but why now... No, I... Right, okay.

You're in a house, right? There's flies, okay?

- Not flies... fly. - But why do you think it was the same fly

for all those years?

Just because we haven't got loads of other flies.

At no point was there a crossover period where there's two

and it's like, hang on a minute, he's trying it on here.

That's what I mean. It was always just one on its own.

We just thought, "leave it. It's all right."

I don't know why... Why are you suspicious?

Why you always think someone's out to do you?

It's one fly.

I don't know why you assumed when you see a fly

every now and again, that it's exactly the same fly.

- It just was. - In fact, it's Harry.

- The one in our house was the same one. - How do you know?

Well, all right, I don't, but at no point did I feel suspicious.

Speaking of flies though and whatnot, um...

They've... they've got one, right?

I was out with Rick, right, and he was reading the paper.

There was a story there about a fly

that its eyesight was bad or something.

And they've made it a pair of glasses and it had a picture

- of a housefly wearing... - Okay, this is incredible, Steve.

- Can I take over? - Hang on, let me just... just need to finish

a couple of questions from that. So he's got...

There's a small fly and they've made it a pair of glasses?

- Yeah. - So it can see better?

- Yeah. - And your concern is what?

Well again, it's just that thing of

we're looking after everything now, aren't we?

- Sorry, I've gotta come in here, Steve. - All right.

- I showed you the story... - You saw it, you saw it.

It was a picture of a housefly with a pair of glasses on.

It was about a one-sentence thing.

- It was about how far technology's come. - Yeah.

And a group of scientists using microscopy, right,

and, uh, um, uh, laser tools had, as an exhibition,

shown that they could make a pair of glasses small enough to fit on...

They put it on there and they've taken a picture of it and it's on... that's right... display.

At no point was it actually 'cause the fly had bad eyesight.

The fly was presumably dead. It was purely

an art installation or a show of technology.

I thought you were gonna say, Rick, that you'd drawn the glasses on there.

And he'd believed it like, "there's a bearded lady in this paper!"

No. "My God, Tony Blair looks like Adolf Hitler."

- No. - What do you think of that then?

But they did it as an experiment.

Yeah, but all things start as an experiment.

But why would they make a pair of glasses for a fly?

How would they know he had short... bad eyesight?

- How would they know it was the same... - Bumping into stuff.

- I don't know. - Bumping into stuff?

It's just that thing, isn't it, of human nature is...

Something's wrong with something, let's fix it.

And they try and help people out all the time, don't they?

- No. - When you... we are.

We're always doing it. We're always trying to help people out,

instead of just going, "you've been dealt

a duff card. Cope with it."

I came up with a good idea.

We'll be the judge of that.

I'll do it now. It's not a good idea.

- Okay. - Okay.

I'm sticking my neck out here,

but, uh, I think this isn't gonna be a good idea.

- Okay. - Thoughts?

I'm gonna agree with you. I'm gonna second that motion.

Okay, let's see. Let's see if we're both right.

See-through skin.

High-five, Rick.

We've had a few emails about the old shows.

People came into them late in the season.

Did I not tell you this? We've had an email from an Inuit.

- Really? - Yeah yeah, I thought I'd mentioned this.

- Have we not mentioned this before? - No.

It was an email from a guy who said... Well, I don't think he lives...

He lives in Canada, I think, or somewhere else.

Apologies for... if I'm getting that wrong.

But I think he said he was a half Inuit and he listens to the show.

- Half Inuit? - Mmm.

See, that's interesting because I think of them as so remote.

I know I'm probably wrong now, but I think of them as just so remote

that I can't think where they're meeting

- people who aren't Inuit. - That aren't also Inuit.

And who's going... Other societies are going are you saying,

"I'm fed up. There's no action here. I'm going to the frozen tundra.

I'm bound to meet someone there."

- Do they do online dating? - Probably a lot of online stuff.

What do you put as hobbies? Fishing?

- Yeah. - Skinning stuff.

- Skinning stuff, yeah. - "What all stuff do you skin?"

"Oh, you know, seals. " "Seals? Yeah sure."

- That's about it, isn't it? - Why are they hanging about?

Why aren't seals going, "do you know what? It's cold.

I'm sick of it here. It's windy all the time, what have you,

and I'm getting a club on the head."

Do you know what I mean?

Because they're meant to be quite bright in terms of

- animals and that, aren't they? - Yeah.

So why are they knocking about them parts?

- I don't know. - Say like if seals

died out, all right?

- Would... would that be a problem? - We've done this.

We've been through this before, Karl.

Everything has a knock-on effect.

Even a seal? They're sort of in-between something already.

It's between a fish and a dog, isn't it?

I knew you were gonna say dog.

It's not between a fish and a dog.

What do you think evolution does?

- Do you... a fish to dog. - I'll never understand it.

What do you mean it's between a fish and a dog?

- I'm just saying it's so... - It was a perfectly evolved mammal

that re-entered the water, I imagine,

and then got streamlined and it...

I mean, it's between a fish and a dog.

But why not have one and the other...

Why not have, like, you know, you've got a dog, you got a fish,

- and it's in the middle. - No, it's not between a fish and a dog.

It's not between a fish and a dog.

I don't know what "between" means.

- I don't know what... - This is again about saving everything all the time.

What is it doing? What's it doing?

Everyone's feeling sorry for them all the time.

"Save the seal" and all that, what's it doing?

Why are we saving it? Let's just ask that question, "what's it doing?"

I don't know what to say.

It's between a fish and a dog.

Out of all the people in the world

to have a chat with, do you know...

What was his face? That German doctor?

Which one? The guy that displays the human body?

Guns... someone.

- Guns driving, or something. - Oh, right, yeah.

Um, well, I don't... Is he... is he a proper doctor?

Because it's just that he's always... I mean, I could cut a body up.

I never see him sort of put it back together.

Is anyone keeping an eye on him, sort of going, "well, who is he actually?"

I'm sure he is a proper doctor.

I mean, he doesn't answer everything. Like he doesn't say,

"I don't understand why

the intestines have to be that long.

I don't know why it just can't go from the throat to the belly,

exit straight that line down, out at the ass."

- You must know. - Well, no, because it...

The way he dragged it out and it was, like, miles long.

- Yeah? - Pointless.

No, it's not pointless. It's just...

just have a straight... Do you know what I mean?

- Straight... - no, I don't understand what you're talking about.

Again, the evolution sort of worked this out for us. It really works.

- I don't think you're gonna improve on it. - What I mean is

that's probably that long because years ago they were eating dinosaur

and that might have took a lot of indigestion or something.

I don't know how chewy it was.

It might have been quite fatty, dinosaur meat,

and it needs to go through all that.

Now, we're eating like yogurt.

So, I mean, we don't need anything that, you know,

is... is... is doing that much work anymore.

All the food is mashed up. Auntie Nora, right?

All her food is mashed, right?

She doesn't have to chew anymore.

She's got teeth but she don't need them.

And that's how... how...

She's got teeth, but she don't need them.

No, but that's how we're moving on.

She can get her intestines removed then.

- This is what I'm saying. - That would solve our other problem.

We're changing everything all the time, aren't we?

I mean, if some fellow who was looking on the Internet...

identical twins, right?

They were sort of sick of looking like each other

so they were like, "what can we do?"

Right? And one of the twins said,

"you have my arm, right?"

And he had his arm taken off

and stuck on his twin so his twin has got like three arms.

- No, it's not true. - It's on the website.

- No, it's not true. - What, for a laugh?

They were bored so they did that for a laugh?

What doctor's doing this then?

They're old enough to say, "this is what we want."

No no no no no no. Doctors don't go,

"well, if he wants another arm then I'll take that there."

Doctors don't do that. What sort of practice is this doctor going around and go...

- Dr. Jekyll. - Karl, think of what you're saying.

- No, but with... - Where would he have stopped?

"Can you put his head on my knee? " "It's up to you."

- Sign this. - "You're paying. If you to sign this,

you're making my consent, ah."

- You know, it isn't... - What do you think these doctors are doing?

Just... they do as they're told.

- They don't do as they're told. - They do if someone wants it.

And twins sort of... It can get you down, can't it?

Being a twin, because it's like...

Sorry... What would this solve though?

I thought you said he would... He gave one of them a bigger nose

or a beard or two front teeth

to make him look different, right?

Not "I'll tell you what we could do. " "Go on."

"Um... would you like one arm?"

"Go on, what are you thinking?"

"Well, me three, you one, therefore, not twins."

Novelty.

I mean, you are a mental man.

But they can do it now, can't they? There's no sort of...

There's no line drawn anymore.

They don't go, "you're crazy. We're not gonna do that."

Yeah, in "saw ii," not in the real world.

- They don't do things like this. - There's another bloke,

right? I don't know the sort of full ins and outs of it.

- Go on. Surprise me. - But what he asked for...

Something happened to his tackle, all right?

- His penis? - Yeah, right.

Um, so he was at the doctors' and they were like,

"what can you do for me? It's a bit embarrassing. I've got nothing down there."

So they were looking at it, going, "yeah."

Doctor... I don't know if he started like

rubbing his chin with his finger or something...

Looked down, he's thinking...

"Got an idea. Um, you know, you've got a lot of fingers,

how many of them do you use?"

The patient is like, "yeah, I see what you're thinking."

They cut off one of his fingers, sewn that onto where

his tackle is. He's happy.

That's different though, isn't it?

- Really different. - That's where they've taken tissue...

But they've... I assume they... they fashioned it

into more of a knob than a finger.

If you were doing that, use a sausage.

I mean, why lose a finger for...

I'll tell you why. Because your finger has your tissue, your blood type

and therefore would graft to near your testicles.

A sausage is a thing that's made by a butcher

out of offal, okay?

That really can't be grafted onto any part of the human body.

That's why they very rarely use any meat products

- in surgery. - In surgery.

I know, yeah. Use what?

I mean, why not use a sausage? You're a mental case.

I always remember this story when I was a kid about some bloke,

he had throat cancer, right?

And his doctor said, "carry on with your life, all right?

It's not gonna be that good, but just carry on.

But don't eat meat." And he was like, "I love meat."

He's like, "yeah, but just don't... you know, have your veg,

keep yourself strong, but don't be eating that."

Anyway, he was fed up because he loved his meat

and his wife was feeling a bit sorry for him one day

and thought, you know, "I'm sick of him looking fed up when all he wants

is some meat, for God's sake. Give him some meat."

So she goes to the butcher's, gets him a big piece of,

like, steak and what have you.

He can't believe it. He's like, "aw, brilliant. Cheers for that."

Anyway, he's got the meat on his plate,

just about to tuck in, and the cancer comes out from his throat...

What?

No, it's somewhat... I know it sounds really weird,

but it's something that... I was told that years ago when I was growing up.

What are you talking about?!

It was just some... some bad illness, some cancer thing,

and it sort of... It was coming out, waiting for the meat.

- It was... - It's actually living?

- It was sort of dying. - Again, a lot of your

medical knowledge is from... is from the film "Alien."

- So this guy with throat cancer, okay? - Yeah.

As opposed to it being a disease of the cell...

- It was like a live-in... - The alien? It was alien?

It was... it was the animal. It was the little animal cancer.

- What are you talking about? - That's why he wasn't

- allowed to eat meat. - So it's sitting there. It's actually sitting there...

I'll tell you what I'd have done if I'd have had some cancer in my throat.

I'd go... There you go, get rid of that.

What are you talking about? So what happened?

Uh, he choked to death on this thing and the wife was like,

"oh, I shouldn't have given him the meat after all."

- That's a bollocks story. - Just listen to your doc.

There's loads of weird stuff like that

- that happens in medical stuff. - There is?

Well, the terrible thing is you if you got

testicular cancer and you eat meat, your bollocks come out your trousers

and they're... they're all over the plate

and you have to be asked to leave the restaurant.

Oh, chimpanzee that. He's only gone and written it down, the little...

That's the jingle for Karl's diary,

excerpts of which we read each week.

Get straight into it. "A band from the conga have won

the best newcomers in a radio 3 competition.

They used pots and pans for instruments.

It says that the conga is a poor, sad place,

so why do people do that happy dance

at the end of parties called the conga?"

Right. One... it's the Congo.

There's no place called the conga.

They come from a place called the Congo.

Conga!

Fucking hell, you're such a...

"Met Suzanne at Euston Station. I said I would sort out the tea tonight.

So I called the curry house. The fella couldn't understand me.

I asked for two poppadoms. He kept saying, "how many?"

I kept saying two. He still couldn't understand.

I said one more than one. He understood.

When we picked up the food and took it home,

there were five poppadoms in the bag."

Oh God. Oh oh oh God.

"There is a restaurant somewhere that sells knobs to eat."

There's not!

- There is. - No, there's not.

- No, there is. - It says that women can't eat too many of them.

And if you want a seal's knob for dinner, you have to book in advance.

Right, it's gobbledygook. This is the ramblings of a mad man again.

"It's a trend," he writes. "It won't last long.

It'll be like hummus."

"Called Ricky and asked what the difference is between the mind and the brain."

- Yeah, he did. - That's a hell of a phone call to get.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

"Ricky did explain, but I can't remember what he said.

I wondered at what age you are when the mind kicks in.

Ricky changed the subject and said there an island called spider island.

There's nothing but spiders on it.

A bloke went to visit the island and said

there was a thousand types of spider in one tree.

What do you think about that? What do you think about

an island that's just full of spiders?

Um, I don't know,

because you need spiders. I don't know what they do,

but they say a world without spiders, like, wouldn't...

wouldn't be good. But we sort of do... They do something.

There's something about if you did get rid of 'em all, it would have an effect.

Of course it would. Any... get rid of anything, it would have an effect.

Mmm, not everything, no.

Like I've said, you know, jellyfish and what have you.

- Well, no. - It's 97% water or something.

- Yeah? - So how much are they doing?

Just give them another 3%, make them water.

That's more useful.

Give 'em another 3% and make 'em water.

- Oh God. - "Went into the gadget shop today.

It's full of stuff that we don't need.

Gadget used to be a good word that made you think

of James Bond with all of his gadgets.

The best thing I could find in the shop was a clock that ran on potatoes."

"We are definitely going backwards."

I agree. What's the... Who cares about that?

And their own little electrical impulse, so what?

"I had a night out with old schoolmate,

found out about more of the other lads I went to school with.

One is living underground."

What do you mean living underground? Not like a mole?

Do you mean he's got a basement or do you mean he digs a hole every night?

My mate went to visit him and he said it's all... It had been raining

really heavily and that, and all the rain's running in.

What do you mean he went to visit him? He went down there?

"What's that? That's a hole in the ground."

- "Yeah, come in. Cup of tea? " - He just said, "oh,

come around and see us," and he's living underground.

What do you mean he's living underground?

He was happy down there. Said it was really muddy and what have you,

said he won't be going back to visit him.

I believe this though. I believe someone he went to school with

now lives in a hole. That doesn't shock me.

- That's total... - You've spent far too long with him

- if that... Now you're just happy to accept. - I totally accept that.

I'd be surprised if I walked around where he lived

that there weren't more people living in holes.

His dad wanted to throw his budgie on the fire.

True. - His budgie died. His dad said, "let's throw it on the fire."

I mean, his mom... What did your mom do?

She just was worried about the other bird that was left,

so she made it a bit of company by getting a rock,

getting a feather off the dead budgie,

sticking it on the rock, putting it in the cage.

- So a man living in a hole... - Is not unusual.

- Is not that bizarre. - Right, carry on.

"Watched a film about Hitler. Didn't watch all of it as it was subtitled.

Can't be dealing with that. Asked Suzanne if cinemas

are full of deaf people when they're showing subtitled films.

She said, 'shh, I'm trying to watch it.'

I said, 'what do you mean, shh? It's subtitled, I can make as much noise as I want.'"

she's a lucky lucky woman.

You must be a joy to watch a subtitled film.

I mean, the concentration is... is up there already.

It's not as easy as when you're hearing it because you... you know, you re-think it,

but, you know, it's possible. If you had a buffoon going,

"I'm just gonna sit here

and make as much noise as I want ," what's the point of that?

Do that in a cinema... just walk into a subtitled film and go,

"everybody, let's all do the 'Congo.'"

"we're having our bathroom done. The bathroom man was around at 9:00 this morning.

We weren't allowed to use the shower because it all had to be

bone dry before he could use his waterproof filler.

Not that waterproof then.

Went for a brew with Ricky. We talked about monkeys

and how they are closer to humans than they are to apes

and how bees will drink cider to get off their heads.

Now and again there is a bee that lets the drinking get

in the way of the work and other bees sting it to death."

- Blimey. - Yeah well...

There are bees... They love a drink.

And they can...

they can just... they... they will drink pure alcohol

they love getting off it and they fall down and they're drunk, right?

But some bees get addicted

in the same sort of percentage as human addiction.

Like 10% of bees, they can't get enough of it.

They take ethanol, they take cider apples and that.

And then when they get back to the hive, they go in a bit pissed.

And they've got guard bees and they go, "Come on. We all love a drink."

- Bouncers. - Yeah, they sort of are.

And they push them away and they push them away again.

Then the next time they go, "right, I've had enough,"

and they give it a good hiding. And Karl couldn't get over this.

I saw his face, but I knew that he was thinking

of that bee with sort of like eyes rolling around in his head,

a little bit belligerent with his jacket on backwards,

you know, and the bouncer going, "come on. Come on, son.

We've all had enough. Move away. Move away."

"You're not coming in, all right? You're wearing trainers."

You're wearing... you're wearing three pairs of trainers.

- Yeah yeah. - And, uh, I'm... I'm sick of it, you know.

But what I did find out, because I went... went home and went on the computer

and tried to find out about drunk bees knocking about,

um, they're not actually meant to fly.

- It's only because they... - Otherwise they drink and fly.

Well, no, but they're... they're... if they were told

that you're not actually designed to fly,

- they wouldn't bother. - No, this is the...

This is that thing that goes around that aerodynamically,

on the face of it, looking at the size of the wings

and the body proportions and everything,

that it's a surprise that they can fly, okay?

It's not that no one's ever told them they can't

and as soon as someone tells them, "you're not meant to fly,"

they all fall out of the sky going, "what were we doing?" Like in a cartoon.

No, but it's something about the confidence and that.

At the moment, nobody is saying to them...

It has nothing to do with the confidence.

There is no such thing as confidence in bees.

A bee never loses his nerve. That's not why it drinks.

"What are you drinking for? " "I'm just not confident anymore."

"There's no point turning to the bottle."

I can't go up there again." You're an idiot.

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