Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

Announcer: For the past few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

Have been meeting regularly

For a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

( dings )

Hello and welcome to "the Ricky Gervais Show"

With me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...

- Hello. - ... And the little round-headed buffoon

That is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

Um, remember we were talking awhile back

About the questionnaire that is often featured

At the end of the TV program "inside the actor's studio"?

- Oh yeah. - Where the host, James Lipton, always asks

The same questions to every guest?

And it's just supposed to sort of get their creative,

You know, juices flowing and their mind working.

We did ask Karl some of them. We never completed the questionnaire.

- Let's carry on with that then. - I thought we'd fire a few more at him.

And that'll also introduce people

To the way his mind works a little bit. Okay.

What sound or noise do you love, Karl?

Um, there isn't really one that I love.

- Nice noises like the ones you get-- - Stephen: Yeah.

I like going in the park, right,

And you go "that's nice, isn't it?"

And you get bird noises and stuff.

But with those bird noises comes a bit of stress, right?

'cause I was in there the other day

And like I say, little bird noises and that,

And a little Robin was there and I thought "that's odd.

That's out early," 'cause it's like sort of summertime and that.

- Stephen: Sure. - Karl: And then I thought,

"oh, that's nice," and I was watching it.

Then it got a little worm,

And I was like, "hey, put it down," right?

( laughs ) sorry. Whoa! What do you mean?

Why were you interfering? Why were you interfering...

- In nature. - ... With a Robin taking a worm?

Just because it was a nice sunny day and that

And I thought-- see, worms normally come out when it's raining, don't they?

And you go, "well, I'll bet they're happy to die in a way

And I thought-- see, 'cause it's chuckingout when it down, it's miserable."

They come to the top of the soil then-- don't they?

- Yeah. - --When it's miserable. But it was a sunny day--

Plus they don't drown, I assume.

No, it's not that, is it? It's just that the air, the water or something

Falling on the ground and they come up to see what's happening.

What? No no, wait.

But why do they come up when they think it's raining?

You're a worm, okay? It starts raining.

- Tell me your thought process. - Well, you just--

You're down there, you can't see anything.

- It's dark anyway. - Ricky: Yeah.

So the rain's coming down on the land.

The worm goes, "what's going on?"

The worm goes, "what's going on?"

- He wiggles up to the top. - Ricky: So what does he do?

So it goes up and it sees it's raining

And then it goes back down again, doesn't it?

- But that's what I'm saying about-- - What do you mean?

What-- what is-- sorry, what is this world

Where he goes, "oh, it's just rain again.

That's the 400th time I've been caught out this year.

It's rain. I'll remember next time. I won't come up."

What do you think

A worm is pable of in terms of cognitive thought?

- What do you mean? - Well, a worm can basically

Tell certain chemicals

- And certain light patterns. - ( Sniffs )

That's-- that's all it is really.

- Yeah, and-- - It's not thinking,

It's not choosing its favorite food.

You don't know that, though, is what I'm saying.

You don't know what things are thinking. Everything thinks.

No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't.

- No. Thinking-- - There's something in this room that's not.

All right, what about this one then?

What about-- what about flowers?

- Do you think they've got a-- - A mind?

A-- a feeling.

Because here's-- here's something that--

Again, they-- they use phototropism.

They go towards the sun. They-- they close--

- All right, well, here's-- - Can you stop using long words, Rick, like "sun"?

Listen-- I was--

Do you know what happened to my mom and dad's, all right?

- I was talking to my mom about stuff. - Ricky: All right.

She was saying how,

This flower solved a crime.

What happened was there was a murder, right,

In an office. So they said,

"it's obvious that someone who works in the office did this murder

Because that person's only sort of a typist.

He has-- you know, they've done nothing wrong."

So they said, "that's narrowed it down, right?"

So this flower man came in and he said,

"I can sort this out for you."

So they said, "what do you mean?"

He said, "well, during the murder,

The plant was knocked off the cabinet, right?"

- Right. - Karl: And he had some special wires that he can...

- Special wires. Yeah. - ...Put on the flower

And it's sort of shaking and stuff

Because even though you can't see it,

Flowers pick up bad vibes and what-have-you.

If you shake a plant, it doesn't like it.

- Okay. - Right? So what happened was

He said, "right, what we'll do

Is we'll put the plant back on the shelf."

- Stephen: Yep. - Karl: "we'll water it. We'll calm it down.

- Then get--" - Ricky: Get it a nice cup of tea.

- "then get every member of staff... " - Stephen: Right, right.

"...To come in the room and just go near the flower."

- Right. - "So don't tell them"--

- So like a lineup for the flower? - Kind of.

- Kind of like a lineup. - "Don't tell them what we're doing.

Just send them in, say 'stand by that cabinet

Where the murder happened' and what have you."

- Yeah. - Anyway, it was a long day.

They were getting through a lot of stuff.

- It was a big office block. - Ricky: Yeah.

They were going, "this isn't working.

You know, the flower's not budging."

Suddenly they get into like the last part of the day

When they were almost giving up.

They called in a sketch artist.

The plant-- the plant gives 'em a--

- Some caretaker fella-- - Uh-huh.

- Caretaker, yeah. - They said, "go over there."

Was it an old man? 'cause Scooby Doo didn't like him from the beginning.

- Stephen: No. - Karl: They send the caretaker over to the plant

And he's thinking "I've gotten away with this."

- Stephen: Of course. - ( Beeping )

Plant starts shaking, what-have-you. They did him.

Okay. Wait a minute then.

So was there any other evidence?

Was that the only evidence they used in the trial?

Well, no, it's one of them things, though. Imagine it.

If you're that caretaker and you're thinking "I've gotten away with this,"

Then suddenly a plant grasses you up, you weren't expecting that.

So suddenly you're off-guard.

And you go, "okay okay okay, come on,

Get that chrysanthemum away from me. I did it."

- ( all gasp ) - You're talking absolute bollocks.

That was one of the most nonsense pieces of shit

- I've ever heard in my life. - Karl: But anyway, listen.

- Well, it happened. But-- - It didn't happen.

But what I was saying is-- about the worm--

This Robin that I saw that was eating the worm,

He had hold of it. I thought, "it's a sunny day and that,

Give the worm a break" sort of thing.

So I went, "Oi! Hey," like that, and it sort of dropped it in shock.

But then when it realized I wasn't that near it,

It picked up again and swallowed it.

And I just thought, "oh." do you know what I mean?

I don't know what you mean, no.

I just thought "it's a sunny day and everything.

Normally birds are nice noises that I like,

"And yet there it is, going about wrecking lives."

( laughs ) wrecking lives!?

- It was a worm! - No, it just-- no, but it just swallowed it

Really quickly and that. And I thought--

I just thought "there's the worm. It came out.

It was happy, didn't know what was going on

And it had an extra chance--

"The Robin dropped it, then it got it again and ate it."

It just made me a bit fed up.

Well, you know why, don't you?

You couldn't outwit a Robin.

The worm was going, "oh God, Karl Pilkington.

So that's who's been sent to save me,

Is it, God? You've sent Karl Pilkington?

Oh, I'm dead. That's it. Okay. Eat me."

All I'm saying is, how birds noises are normally quite relaxing,

- But not for the worm. - Unbelievable.

That was one question.

"what sound or noise do you hate?"

As me or as a-- as a worm?

I don't know what you mean. What do you mean?

Why-- why would we be asking a worm?

I have never heard an actor say that to James Lipton.

When he says, "what noise do you hate?"

"what? As me or a worm?"

No, all I'm saying is-- because of my last question--

That's what I was saying. A bird noise is relaxing to me.

- Right. - Well, it's not anymore

'cause I think of all the deaths and stuff that go around that.

- ( laughs ) - So now you hate the sound of birds?

I'm just saying it's changed my view on it.

It's like-- it's like anything, isn't it?

Every-- every noise can mean a disaster.

Can it? Why would the sound of laughter-- people laughing--

Why would that suddenly cause--

Why would that also signify disaster?

If you wake up in the night by the sound of,

Like, a baby laughing--

A baby laughing!

No, if I had a-- if I had a baby, right, and Suzanne was out,

- She worked nights or something... - Ricky: Yeah.

...And I had nodded off. I had put the baby to sleep...

- Ricky: Yeah. - ... And then it's 3:00 in the morning...

- ( baby laughs ) - ... And I'm woken up by he sound of a baby laughing,

- That would terrify me. - ( Ricky laughing )

How is-- I mean, just think,

The baby's sitting up in a chair like Chucky, going...

- ( laughing evilly ) - Stephen: Well, no, the--

I think the baby's reading his diary...

- ( Ricky laughing ) - ... Thinking "oh, Christ, this is my father.

I just hope I'm adopted."

Oh God, a baby laughing.

"what profession other than your own would you like to attempt?"

This is you as you, not as you as a worm.

- But I would have the training? - Oh, for--

- Oh! - No, well I've said before,

I don't know, about maybe having a go at an operation.

I don't know why it leaps from where--

It leaps from no ambition, where if he could have a job it would--

His best job he's ever had is a paper round

And if he could have a job, he'd go to the cobbler

Once a week and then walk a dog,

To "I'd like to have a go at thoracic surgery."

No, I'm just saying I bet it's a-- like we do this

And some people like listening to it and what-have-you

And you go "fair enough." but I never feel like

I'm doing anything of any worth.

No, you're absolutely right there.

But if you're going into a hospital,

Which are places that are pretty miserable anyway

As a-- as an office space,

Not only have you got to go in that building

And work in it, but you've then got the pressure

Of changing a lung or whatever

- As I've said before. - Stephen: Changing a lung, yeah.

But I'd like to have go at it so I can say--

- Stephen: You've done it. - Karl: I've done that.

So under what circumstances in what world

Do you think anyone's gonna let you have a go at changing a lung and that?

- Um-- - "Jim'll fix it"?

- No, I'm just saying the way-- - Ricky: "comic relief"?

But the way the world is, and the way that there's more and more people,

More and more doctors are needed.

I mean it's already happening now with that--

People are doing jobs that they're not really qualified for

Because they get-- they get sort of a-- what's the word?

- Sort of uppered too early. - Uppered.

"Uppered"? Uppered.

I love the fact-- it's basic language.

It's like-- it's unbelievable.

- "Uppered." - Do you know what I mean?

- Promoted. - Yeah, promoted.

- Yeah. I prefer "uppered." - They get-- they get promoted.

- "Uppered" is great. - "Why was I not uppered?"

- Unbelievable. - So do you know what I mean?

I think because more and more people are knocking about,

We need more and more doctors.

- Yeah. - You get a job in a doctor's,

- You're gonna be promoted sooner now, I think. - Yeah.

But what I'd do is I-- I-- I'd probably upper you

And then-- what's the word? You "go away" them.

- I think it is, you "go away" them. - You-- you leave the door--

You leave the door-- you "fire" them.

That's it. That's the word I'm looking for.

Sorry, I'd upper you and "go away" the doctor, if anything.

But I've been to, uh--

You know how I don't like going to the doctor's and stuff?

- Yeah. - Right?

'cause you're always scared that they might

Investigate "below the bridge."

Yeah, but I checked on that before I signed up to it,

And then they said, "right, before we can take you on as a patient,

You've gotta have a health check."

Right? Which I thought was odd, 'cause it's almost like saying

"if you're ill, we can't have you come in here," right?

But I said, "right. Okay, fair enough.

What-- what is this health check?"

And they said, "oh, you know, we just check your body out

And make sure you're fit and healthy."

And I thought, "that is not enough information.

- I want to know if it's the old finger trick or"-- - ( Ricky snickers )

I said, "what do you mean?

When you said, 'health check, ' what do you do?"

And she said, "oh, it's just"--

I think she knew what I was getting at.

And she said, "oh, it's just the blood pressure,

Uh, your heart, your height, your weight.

That's about it. " so I went-- I went and had it and stuff.

But you had to-- before you sort of said,

"right, I want this doctor,"

They give you loads of forms to fill out, right?

And one of the things they did was

"if you die, what do you wanna give away?"

- Right? Like a donor... - Mmm.

...And what-have-you, and I thought--

I really thought about it for 40 minutes or so.

I didn't just rush into it.

I was sat there thinking, "if I'm dead, does it matter and stuff?"

But I was really concerned

- When it said about the eyes. - ( Ricky laughing )

- Right. - Right.

Why? What do you mean? Can they have your eyes after you die?

It was-- it was-- I think it was fourth on the list.

Why do you care about giving your eyes away when you're dead?

Just because of that thing of-- you know, we don't know for sure yet.

I know that you pooh-pooh it, but the afterlife thing.

So why in an afterlife

Would you want your eyes more

Than your liver, your kidneys, your lungs and your heart?

Because ghosts don't eat, do they?

So you don't need your liver, your kidneys and stuff,

'cause they're only there to sort your food out.

But your eyes-- if you're a ghost,

- I don't wanna be a blind ghost. - ( Ricky laughing )

Because you're around forever then, aren't you?

Once you're a ghost, that's it.

So the idea of being blind when you're alive--

You go, "well, all right, then maybe in the afterlife

I might be treated to a pair of eyes."

But the fact of wandering about dead for years, bumping into stuff--

Oh God! Oh, it's amazing.

That's an amazing image.

So I didn't tick that box.

But why? I don't understand.

In your theory of the afterlife, why is it that you--

You ghost-- this ghostly Karl,

Why can he survive without a heart

But he can't survive without eyes?

What-- why-- do you see what I mean?

Surely if you're this ghostly apparition,

You can just see everything and you can do everything.

- You don't need the body, because you're a ghost. - Karl: No, because--

Yeah, I know but I think when you're a ghost--

Say like how they've seen ghosts in, uh--

Right, can I just say now, for any listeners,

This is not the thoughts and beliefs of the management.

There is no such thing as ghosts. I do not believe in ghosts.

I do not believe in e.S.P. Or any mumbo-jumbo.

Cay on, Karl. "so when there's a ghost," yeah?

When they see ghosts in old castles and stuff,

They've had their head cut off

Because they've been up to no good, right, years ago.

But they're carrying it around, normally, under their arm.

That's what I'm saying. It hasn't reattached itself,

So if you took the eyes out--

But, Karl, how is this ghostly creature able to function?

It-- it doesn't have its head on, anyway.

It's carrying it under its arm,

So the suspicion is it doesn't need its head.

It just happens to be carrying it around

Because it, you know, wants to keep it with it.

No, the ghost is always in the last condition

- That it was in when it was in-- - Who makes these rules?

The way you are in your last bit of life

Is how you are as a ghost forever, even in the fashion.

Like, I say, the ghosts that you see never wear modern clothes.

It's always the Victorian stuff.

- ( Ricky laughs ) - Now if they could change it, they would,

But they can't cause they're stuck with it, so that's--

Why don't you see cavemen ghosts? When did ghosts start?

They didn't kick in till about 1830, did they?

What if you die when you're having a rectal examination?

Are you always bent forward WI your trousers around your ankles

And someone's finger up your ass?

But why would you die when you're having that done?

That's why I'm not having it done if that's--

- No no. No, no no. - But you might have both been suddenly killed

- In a terrible disaster. - Yeah, a meteorite hit you.

( crashes )

Well, that's when you get the moaning ghosts, isn't it?

That's the other ones that aren't happy.

So you're going round bent forward,

You've got a doctor's finger up your ass

- And what are you doing? - Karl: Sort of going, "oh,"

And that's when you have to get the vicar around.

( Ricky laughs ) what do you mean?

They have to put you to rest and what-have-you, don't they?

And what does a vicar do when he's going--

So I-- so I get the vicar around, it's years later--

It's 100 years later--

You're around this doctor surgery

And there's people coming in. And the new doctor there--

And it's 2073

And they go, "vicar--

Vicar, there's a-- there's a strange, ghostly apparition.

It looks like an old doctor, right, and he's got his fingers up

This sort of little-- it's like a chimpanzee but with a shaved head."

No no, but the doctor wouldn't be--

- Are you saying the doctor dies as well? - Yeah yeah.

- You both-- you both die. - You die at the same time with his finger up your ass,

And so you're forever having a little rectal examination

With your little trousers around your ankles.

Well, that's when it'd be best not to have your eyes.

( Ricky laughing )

( gurgling )

Rick, I know this is something you always get excited about.

It's Karl's diary. Can we have a jingle?

I don't believe it! He's gone and written it down!

( classical score plays )

Thank you very much.

"woke up to the news about an elephant in India"

That had sore feet, so the locals have made it a big pair of slippers.

Tried to look online for a picture

But I couldn't find anything."

So they've made it two pairs of slippers?

Well, I'm only going by the facts in the diary, Rick,

And I would have thought that they were absolutely bona fide and fact-checked.

Completely accurate.

I'd be very surprised if there's any mistakes in here.

"I'm sure they've done this for an elephant before.

I thought elephants have bad memories."

- No, they-- - But fair enough.

"I thought elephants have bad memories.

If they have, I'm guessing it's gonna keep forgetting where it's left 'em."

I mean, just to get--

If it's a myth-- the myth's completely wrong.

- Yeah. - "Elephants never forget."

That's the saying. Not "they always forget,"

So you can buy them slippers every year.

Karl says, "I haven't had a pair of slippers for years."

- He thinks they're dying out. - No, I love slippers.

- I love a pair of slippers. - I love a pair of slippers.

Just wear socks. - Slidey on the cold--

- Slidey on a piece of lino. - I know. What about if you,

You know, maybe open a brand-new box of thumbtacks?

You drop them all over the floor, you're trying to pick them up--

Rick, I've gotta pop across the road to get some milk

But it's right opposite. I'm surely not gonna go in my socks, though.

I don't wanna put on my shoes. It's madness.

- Ricky: No no no. Pop some slippers on. - Stephen: Perfect, yeah.

- Ricky: Yeah. - You shouldn't go out in your slippers.

- Why not? - Just across the street, mate, to get some milk.

'cause they're inside shoes.

You don't go roaming about on tarmac in slippers.

- That's basic. - But you don't have any slippers,

So you're just tiptoeing across the street.

- I put my shoes on. - But you can-- you can-- you can pop out

And get the paper and, you know, the bottle of milk-- can't you?

--In the slippers without any harm done.

No.

Oh.

Apparently not.

That will make it into the diary.

"tried to have a shower, but there was no water."

I love it when he calls about

- Things going wrong with the flat. - But I love the fact

That he tried to have a shower, but there's no water.

How long did it take you before you realized? He was there for 20 minutes.

After 20 minutes, he said, "Suzanne, should I be dry?"

"yeah, I'm freezing cold."

Yeah. "no no, you should be sort of wet and warm."

"right, there's no water then." brilliant.

"I called the service charge people but no one was about."

Looked outside but couldn't see any work going on.

Great, isn't it? In India, they can sort out elephants with shoes.

In London, we have no water.

Hung about for a bit. But still no sign of any water.

Brushed my teeth just using the paste

And used the little bit that was in the kettle to have a wash.

I was pretty chuffed by the thought of using that.

Suzanne was a bit annoyed 'cause she wanted a cup of tea.

She said, 'go across the road and buy a big bottle of water.'"

Not in your socks. Pop some slippers on.

"'go across the road and buy a big bottle of water, ' she said.

I never thought of that."

- Oh. - You had a wash using the water

- In the kettle? - Yeah, that's clean, isn't it?

- How much? There's only a little drop in there. - Noit's big kettle.

So what-- did you just wash your face?

- Yeah. - So you didn't wash your body or anything?

- Your genitals were filthy. - You couldn't, could you?

You gotta look out what you can do with the water available.

People in Africa that are short on water aren't wasting it,

Saying "oh, my feet are a bit dirty."

They drink it. What do you mean?

"had a look online to see what's been going on.

Scientists say that Everest"--

Brackets-- "the mountain"--

Just in case you confuse that with any other everests.

Maybe the double- glazing people.

Yeah. "scientists say that Everest has grown a bit.

The way they were talking about it,

You'd have thought it's grown loads.

- It's only inches." - No, isn't that...

They found out that it's actually

A couple inches taller than they first thought,

Because their methods of measuring

Are more accurate than they were 20 years ago?

So it's bigger than they thought it was.

- It hasn't grown. - No, I just think what's happened is at the bottom,

Because people are always climbing up it,

- Aren't they? Right? - Yeah.

So that's wearing away the soil at the bottom.

Don't talk rubbish. It's also measured against sea level.

It's not measured about when you--

Otherwise they'd just pick a big hole

And go, "right, it's down to here."

The peak is measured against sea level.

No, but does it matter at the end of the day?

No, but it's just nice to know, isn't it?

Yeah, but what I'm saying is we don't need to know that.

It's not gonna put anyone off.

Like Brian blessed, who's always climbing up there for fun.

He is not gonna go "I could handle it last year,

But, oh, two more inches? Forget that."

- Gonna be shattered. So don't worry about it. - ( Stephen laughs )

It doesn't matter how big it is.

Something else, though, At's happened since, right?

They were climbing up there,

Someone got near the top

And they were sort of climbing up like that,

Holding the cliff edge and that--

And they'd forgotten the flag and had to go back?

No, their hand hit the bit of rock

And it went like... Dong!

"oh, what's that?" dong-dong!

Put another hand up... Ding-ding!

Piano under there. They don't know how it got there.

Right, you're talking shit again.

- Someone's been tipping. - Well-- oh, right.

- Up mount Everest? - Okay. The council won't even take away

Your washing machine unless you pay 'em.

They're not gonna sneak up Everest--

No, this is the problem, 'cause the council won't take anything.

- People are going, "what can we do with this? " - Ricky: "oh yeah,

Why not just-- I'll tell you what.

Just sneak up Everest. It'll take you nine days

And you may die,

But just pop it up on Everest."

Well, I know for a fact that you've confused--

You've confused a few things there,

Because I think the piano being found

Was actually somewhere in Scotland--

Some kind of moor in Scotland-- and they found a piano up there.

And everyone said, "how's a piano doing up here?"

And it turned out that some guy--

One of these people who tries to break world records--

Had dragged a piano up there as some kind of feat of endurance

But thought, "I'll be damned if I'm gonna take it back again,"

And just left it up there.

It wasn't anybody tipping or aliens or anything.

"some scientists have come up with a cure for bird flu."

It's something to do with some stuff in horses.

They gave the flu to a mouse,

Then injected it and it's well again.

I think we should stop coming up with cures for things

As the germs are just getting stronger and stronger.

I reckon by 2020 germs will be so big

That we will be able to see them in the air.

They will no longer be little particles.

You wouldn't swallow one. If you did, it won't be the germ that will kill you.

- You'll just choke to death." - Karl: I think that's--

That's how we'll die in the future.

- Choking on enormous giant germs? - On germs.

And then they'll be rampaging around the cities, will they?

I'll tell you what, though, right?

I'm getting worried now

Because this stuff he believes and thinks of,

It-- it-- it-- I mean, it could be mental.

Do you know what I mean, though? Like a proper paranoid sort of--

One of those people that's soon gonna live in a loft covered in tin foil?

- Stephen: Yeah. - Ricky: Right?

And pages of the bible all the way around the--

And Suzanne's gonna have to put on some sort of spacesuit

- To come in and give him his beans on toast. - Stephen: Yeah.

Ricky: And he's gonna have to polish each Bean.

That's-- that's what scientists do, isn't it?

They just think ahead of everyone else.

That's what I'm doing.

And the weird thing is, right, Steve,

Sometime last week there was a science piece

Which was close to what I'd already said.

- Yeah. Sure. - They've got some germs

That like eating sugar, right?

They stick 'em in a lunch box with a chocolate bar.

Within an hour, it was gone, right?

And they say now these germs love chocolate and--

Did this scientist leave it near

This fat scientist that works in the same laboratory?

"anyway, it's unbelievable."

He said, "Ted." he went, "what?"

"right, I put the chocolate bar in here with the germ.

I can't believe it's gone." "that's amazing.

Well, it's brilliant, that. Do it again."

"what?" "do it again. Leave another one.

- See if it happens again." - ( Burps )

So in the future, you're running around

- And germs are... - Eating chocolate.

Right.

That's not science. That's PAC-man.

( Ricky laughs, germ beeping )

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0