Original subtitles

We do, of course, every week get thousands of emails.

Freddy from Winchester says,

"of course, it was recently Valentine's day."

What's the most romantic thing you've done for Suzanne, Karl,

"That you can think of?"

Uh, I don't really do all that.

- Go on. - Valentine's day stuff.

It's just-- if you do it once, they expect it every year.

- Yeah. - Sure.

That's the problem with Christmas and stuff.

It's become that's what you do now every year.

So I prefer to just sort of wait

And if I think of an idea or if I know of something that she wants,

I might get her something.

But I might not do it on Valentine's day.

It's like how I've said about pancake Tuesday.

Make it pancake Wednesday. Have it when you want.

Why am I waiting for someone to tell me when I can have a pancake?

- I'll have it today if I want one. Yeah.

If it's pancake Tuesday, I won't bother.

I'll have trifle.

So it's the same with this

With Suzanne.

Luckily, Valentine's day and what have you...

- ...She was ill. Luckily?

So we didn't have to go out.

So I'd say-- is he asking for advice?

Well, I suppose, yeah. Might as well give it.

Treat 'em when they deserve it.

I remember once when Suzanne was ill.

She had a fever, but there was no food in the house.

What did you suggest to her?

She was too ill to cook.

It was when we were still living in Manchester.

"we need to get some food in for tea."

I said, "come on. Come to the supermarket."

She's like, "no, I'm ill. You go."

I hate buying food. I just get a bit blank.

There's too much. That's the problem.

You go down all these aisles and there's too much.

So anyway, I said, "no, come on. Come with me."

She's like, "I've got these fever. I'm hot and everything."

So I said, "come to the supermarket, you go to the frozen aisle,

- Cool yourself down."

And she did and said it made it worse. She was ill for another three days.

How would you go about chatting up a woman in a bar? What tips could you give?

Um, I've never worked like that.

It's always en a friend of a friend and all that.

You just happen to meet and then you have a chat.

How did you meet Suzanne?

That was when I was working with her.

And she gave me 20p for the hot chocolate machine.

She never asked for it back. Thought, "she's all right."

And so it'll be 11 years. So it works.

Has she given you that-- have you ever--

- You've never given that 20p back? - She's never asked.

Did you return the favor, perhaps on the next date

You buy her a Kit Kat or something?

I don't think I did. I think word got out that she liked me and that.

And what did I do?

I think I did some work for her. I did some editing.

- Sort of show off me skills and that. - Sure.

She was like, "oh, you're good at this, aren't you?"

I was like, "yeah. " and I think she got us another drink

'cause I was doing the editing for her in me own time.

So you're up? You're up on the deal, aren't you?

'cause I know now. I have it for fact

That you've not spent any money on her in 11 years.

So you are-- you're 40p up.

At least.

Lawrence from New York says,

"I was wondering how Mr. K. Pilkington would interpret this famous saying"

Of philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein.

The quote is 'if a lion could talk, we could not understand him.'"

Even if he's English?

Yeah, if he-- yeah. If a lion could speak English--

So there's no language barrier.

He's speaking English words

And using all the correct grammar and everything,

But you wouldn't be able to understand what he was saying.

- Why? - Because it is from a different world.

Its frames of reference would be so bizarre

That you wouldn't be able to get a grasp

On what he was talking about

'cause you'd have so little in common,

Even if he used real words.

But he's talking English.

I know, but its reference points would be just so far removed.

You know, they're removed slightly--

If you saw two people talking about Kierkegaard,

- You'd-- - I wouldn't understand it.

Exactly. So remove that a billion times

To a different species with different input.

No, but it depends. If I'm talking to a lion in London zoo...

Yeah?

...It'll be saying, "oh. I'm fed up with being stuck in here."

And I'll go, "yeah." it's like the--

It depends what its background is.

I mean, there's some people who might have lived down the road from me

But have a totally different Fe.

Absolutely.

So it doesn't matter that it's a lion, does it?

Well, yeah, because they're just trying to remove it even more.

So now it's not just a bloke who lived a few doors away.

Now it's not even a bloke. Now it's not even--

Yeah, but I'd pick something smaller

Or something-- you know, a worm without a mouth.

I'd go "definitely not."

- What? - Definitely not what?

I wouldn't be having a chat with it.

I-- I just think a worm that's underground,

- What's he got to offer me?

He's blind and hasn't got a mouth.

It's not gonna be a good day out with it is what I'm saying.

It's not gonna have that much to say to me even if it's English, right?

Even if it's English.

And how can you tell if a worm is English? Does it wear a tiny bowler hat?

Oh, Christ.

- But do you understand-- - What about a jellyfish?

No. You see, I think that's where

You can say you would be able to have a good chat with him.

Because to me,

- The sea might as well be another world. - Yeah.

- Right? - Yeah.

In a way I think the fish

Sort of have more rights than us.

What do you mean?

Just because when whoever made the world, right?

Say we're just picking God, but if I was to have a go at him,

I'd say, "you added too much water."

Criticism one to God, right?

How would you have changed that? Just--

- Just more land. - Fair enough.

Now why why have fish got more rights than us?

Because there's loads of 'em,

And when you look at the amount of sea on the world, right?

There's loads of that. You only have to, like--

I was in Malaga the other week, right?

And, you know, you look in the sea--

There's loads of different fish

And that's just in 8' water.

If you go miles out, there's like all sorts of weird fish, isn't there,

With like lights on them and everything?

So and there are just millions of different types.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

But why does that mean that they've got more rights than us?

Just because I think rights come in numbers,

If you know what I mean.

If there's one of you shouting, people go,

"oh, he's an idiot. Shut up." whatever.

If there's loads of you shouting, they go, "let's listen to them,

See what they've got to say. " and that's what I mean about fish.

- Yeah? - There's loads of fish.

- Right. - So--

But they're not really making their voices heard, though, are they, Karl?

I know 'cause they're underwater.

But what I mean is-- I don't know what I mean.

Karl, right, what do you think it's like being a crab?

If you could go now-- your mind into a crab, what would you see?

Where would you be? What would you be doing? What would you be thinking?

What would you think of all the other things--

The crabs you'd see, the squids you'd see?

What-- what it's like, do you think?

It's like creative writing. Just think. Just let yourself go. Go on.

It's gotta be a crab?

What do you think of a slug? What do you think it to be a slug?

What would you do if you were transported now into a slug,

What would you do? And Suzanne--

You're suddenly in the kitchen but you're a slug,

And Suzanne is sort of like there just making tea and that.

How do you let her know that she is--

It's impossible. I'd just Chuck myself into the salt pot or something.

No, because what do you do?

I'd hate that. That would be horrible.

oh God.

Have you ever read Franz Kafka's "metamorphosis"?

A man wakes up and he's turned into a giant beetle?

And that's the-- that's the whole story.

- Uh-- - I think it might be of interest to you.

So what happened to him with the beetle?

I don't want to ruin it for you in case you read it.

I won't be reading it. Don't worry.

He joined a pop group with three other people. He was brilliant.

No, it's a really wonderful book.

It's almost heartbreaking because of course he does like Ricky said--

He finds it very hard then to relate to other people

Even though he still has the consciousness of a human.

You know, his parents, his rest of his family,

They don't know how to deal with him, you know, 'cause he's a giant beetle.

He becomes a freak. He becomes an outsider. It's terrible, you know.

But-- but hang though. Is he a giant beetle?

- Yeah. - Yeah, well that's not gonna go down well, is it?

That's-- of course people aren't gonna like you.

If it's a normal-sized one, then you just get in with the other beetles, don't you?

Whereas if you're a giant--

How would you do that? How would ingratiate yourself?

So you're suddenly a beetle. You're Karl Pilkington, right?

There's the other beetles. They're doing their business. They're scuttling around.

And you go in there, and you go-- and they look at yous a new beetle.

What-- what's you're first-- what do you do? How do you ingratiate yourself?

Well, I wouldn't sort of barge in into their house and that.

I'd-- I'd wait until they're out and about.

And I'd, like, in life, sort of help 'em out.

I don't know what beetles do all day.

I've never seen one doing anything.

They just seem to be going from one place to another.

- Right. - I've never seen them carrying anything.

I don't know what they eat. I don't know what they do.

I don't know why we've got them, right?

What I mean is, I'd watch 'em, and I'd sort of help 'em out.

And I mean it's like going on a date or meeting a woman, isn't it?

- But what if you-- - Whoa, hang on.

What do you mean? How is it like going on a date with a woman?

Well it's like I said about Suzanne with her hot chocolate.

She bought me that, and I've gone, "she's all right."

She gets me another one.

Before I know it, she's living with me.

So you're with these beetles, they're scrubbing around, right?

You're sort of like watching them.

And there's-- and then you realize

That you want to mate with this female beetle.

What do you do? What's your first move?

Yeah, but I don't know what beetles do, do I?

I don't know what you do. I don't know if you go up and go, "all right?"

What do they do? How do they get on?

It's a different world. I don't know yet, do I? 'cause I haven't done it.

Would you feel bad having your own mind in this beetle, right?

Would you feel bad shagging a beetle?

Would you feel that that was a bit sick 'cause you've got a human mind?

No 'cause you'd just close your eyes and that, wouldn't you?

Think of something else. So get around it that way.

There's no point getting down about it

'cause I'm stuck now as a beetle. So you've gotta get on with it.

But if you're a slug, you said you'd throw yourself in the salt pot.

What would you do if you were a beetle if you got depressed

And you see all the other humans? You see your mates, right?

They're listening to their iPod. What would you do?

Well, no. That's what I'm saying. Beetles are different

'cause they do tend to hang about with each other.

A slug's always on its own. It's a lonely insect, isn't it?

- It's not an insect. - All right, what is it?

- A mollusk. - Right. They're lonely.

I've never seen a load of snails all together

Or slugs wandering about.

Whereas beetles seem to knock about in crowds.

Yeah.

So-- oh God. Okay, all right. Another one.

So they're sociable creatures, and it wouldn't bother you

That you've got the mind of Karl Pilkington in there?

'cause you can't communicate with these beetles

They don't speak English. They don't have any communication with you.

Yeah, but if it's happened to me, there'll be another one in there.

Okay then, right, okay.

What would you do, right?

What's the most disgusting thing?

What could it be? What would you do

If you were suddenly a fly, right?

And you were knocking around with the flies, right?

And you had to land on some, uh--

- Excrement? - Yeah. What would you do?

- Yeah, but I don't have to. - What do you mean? You're a fly.

- You're loving it. - I wouldn't be loving it, now would I?

- Why? - Because I'm me in that fly's head,

So I don't think that the flies would be going, "come on, join in."

I'd just be like, "oh, I'll wait here," wait, watch and that.

'cause they don't-- I don't see why they have to do that.

What would you do if you had to get back

And you were in-- had to put your mind

In like an UN-hatched egg of something?

Like maybe one of those egg-- a wasp has injected a spider.

So you know you're in an egg,

Which is really uncomfortable, in a spider.

How would you feel about that, Karl?

You're a baby wasp

In the abdomen of a spider.

And I know everything that I know now? I'm sat in there.

Yeah.

"and now I'm in a spider as an unborn wasp.

What the fuck am I doing here? What's going on?"

I don't know what I'd do there.

Probably try and sleep.

There's nothing else to do, though, is there?

I just pray to God it never happens.

I don't believe it! He's written it down!

Well that's the jingle that signals

It's time for more extracts from Karl's diary.

And we'll lunge straight into it.

"wandered down Carnaby street. There was a happy homeless fella."

I gave him ?1.50. I thought of a tongue twister after giving him the money.

It goes 'if you can't treat a cheerful tramp,

What sort of tramp can you treat?'"

- It's good that. - All right.

- Say it fast. - "If you can't treat a cheerful tramp,

- What sort of tramp can you treat? " - Yeah. Good, isn't it?

Good, that, yeah. You got too much time on your hands, Karl.

"learned some famous quotes to see if they are as good as my sayings.

Number one, 'treat every day as if it's your last.'"

Very famous saying. Now is that something you do, Karl?

Me problem with that one is that if it was your last,

You wouldn't wanna be doing much.

That's the only problem I've got with that.

I wouldn't wanna go to a fairground or whatever,

Because you're gonna know it's me last day. What am I gonna do?

And I think you'd spend so much time worrying about

What you're gonna do that you'd end up staying in.

I think you're right.

You've taken some of the poetry out of it.

I think it means, "live life to the fullest," right?

I like the fact that you were musing on the idea

That if it was your last day, you'd go to the fair.

He's getting such a 19th-century way of spending your final days.

I know, yeah. Well, the thing is--

The other thing is that, the only thing that people get depressed about

In terms of sort of like life and death

Is not the knowledge that they're gonna die,

But more the knowledge that they know they're gonna die when they're dying.

If someone told you no one ever knows when they're gonna die,

No one ever gets an illness, no one ever gets hit by a truck,

Everyone passes away peacefully in their sleep

Dreaming they're ring a big marshmallow,

Then you wouldn't care about anything.

It wouldn't matter-- it wouldn't matter if you died tomorrow or in 30 years' time.

You'd just live life to the full.

Every day would be great.

You'd go out. You'd come back.

You'd fall asleep. That would be amazing.

There'd be no stress. There'd be no angsty

"aren't we all gonna die? " stress. It wouldn't matter,

'cause it would just be your life.

Wouldn't it be amazing if someone guaranteed you, Karl,

You're gonna die in your sleep. I'm not gonna tell you when.

- Yeah, but some people do, don't they? - Well, exactly.

But we never know we're going to, cause we--

We stress-- what if we get a dreadful illness?

What if we, you know--

But we're almost not letting people die naturally anymore, are we?

We're bodging stuff up.

- What do you mean? - Someone who might naturally die in their sleep

Aren't allowed to naturally die in their sleep

Because they wake 'em up and pop in a new lung or whatever whilst they're at it.

That's what I'm saying. You never hear anymore,

"frank peacefully died in his sleep."

No. He died on the operating table whilst we were putting in a new lung.

They never-- they don't die naturally anymore.

Frank died peacefully with 40 ,000 volts going through him

And a couple of people going, "clear. Clear."

"rushing about today. Gotta get a lot done"

As I'm flying to Malaga tomorrow to see my mom and dad.

Don't like flying. I'd be happy

If they'd give you a parachute instead of a life jacket.

They say Da Vinci invented the parachute as well as the helicopter.

He never got round to making them 'cause he only drew them on some paper.

Got up at 5:00 A.M. As I had to get to Heathrow

To get on the plane to see mom and dad in Malaga.

Went out for a drink with a cousin who lives in Spain.

Ain't seen her for 27 years. " that must have been tricky, making conversation.

I didn't really bother. Where do you start?

I might as well go up to anyone in the street and start having a chat.

You have to go further back than "did you want Chantelle to win Big Brother?"

"me dad and me talked about history."

I said we shouldn't go on about things that happened ages ago

'cause I bet something similar has happened more recently."

Brilliant.

"read about island in the Indian ocean"

Where there are tribesmen still living like they're cavemen.

A helicopter tried to land and the tribesmen chucked Spears at them.

This is what I meant about not having to talk about things that happened ages ago.

We have got new cavemen now, so why do we talk about the old ones?

People could have lived before

But computers and all that blew up

And books got burned so all they had left was what these tribesmen have got left."

Ramblings of a mad man.

That's the ramblings of a maniac.

I mean that's just a few hours

Before you go crazy with a gun in a--

No. But what I mean there is,

Right, say if all this has happened before. Something happens--

Again, lot of your information from the "planet of the apes."

World ends, right? We come back again somehow.

Yeah. It's the detail you leave out that makes you intriguing.

Just like the watch that you can wear

That tells you when you're gonna die.

"how does it work?" "pop it on your wrist."

That's all the detail you need.

So the world happened. We came back.

Have you seen the pictures?

Forget it then if you don't get it.

It's interesting you had all those profound thoughts

About this period-- the past when they all lived,

But you've still found it appropriate

To include at the end of that, "it says the tribesmen waved their knobs about

When they've had enough of having visitors."

That's what it said in the paper.

That's what happens. They're quite happy--

What paper is this that you're reading?

It was-- it was in-- it was in like a paper a couple of days ago.

It said they don't mind having visitors

If they're bringing coconuts and stuff that they can eat.

Once they've got everything they need,

They start waving the tackle about

And that means "leave now." you would, wouldn't you?

Yeah, at a dinner party.

My grandfather used to do that.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news, yeah!

Oh that jingle is getting more annoyed by the week.

Well, this is the final monkey news, right?

I'm not doing this anymore. We've covered it all.

All the monkey news has been covered?

It has. It has. We've done loads of them.

I think all the news that needs to be known

Has been told, right?

That is the end of the news. Jesus Christ.

- What? - Get on with it.

Right, we chatted about the monkey that went into space and stuff.

This is the one that was fed by bananas

That came out of a little chute on the spacecraft?

Yeah it went up there, it came back.

- It could never get that-- The high-- yeah.

He tried other things. I think he tried to get a band together and that.

Right. So anyway, there was loads of monkeys

That were signed up to this NASA program.

And it was 1961 when this little monkey called ham-- that was his name--

As well as him, there was one called called Enos.

So what I found out about it since then,

Ham went up there, the left-right business with the bananas.

Enos-- they didn't put as much work into the trip when he went up there.

And something went wrong with the machinery.

You know how you get a banana for the left button and all that?

It's official now. There's two buttons in this spaceship--

Banana dispenser and everything else.

The right button is everything else.

But-- but it worked the other way. The machinery went weird.

- Oh no. Really? - It meant that the right button

- Would give him a banana. - Right.

- The left button did everything else. Oh no.

So this is the problem with electronics, isn't it?

- Well, no-- - No, this-- apparently this is the problem.

But the good-- I mean honestly, look it up if you want.

This is all online by the way.

So what happened when it all went haywire? What occurred?

Karl? Karl? This is online and it's bollocks.

Luckily, Enos-- because he'd done a few trips.

Right, he was experienced.

So he was like, "I know this isn't right.

As much as I love bananas, this isn't right."

That was his thinking. Of course it was.

So he came back. They were all like over the moon with him.

He said, "I can't work with these conditions."

Good mission and everything. Well done and working it out. You sorted all that out.

He moved on a few years. Armstrong has gone up there, buzz and that other fella.

They've been up there. The monkeys aren't needed anymore.

But they were like, "we've got all these monkeys who've done NASA training."

What we gonna do with 'em all?

And they had to raise ?14 million

To make 'em like a old sort of chimp's home for retired--

- Astronauts. - Retired NASA-trained monkeys.

- Chimpanauts. - Chimpanauts.

Something they've got in there, is like a little museum

Of all the missions and that that they've been on

So they can sort of-- even though they're not gonna be going into space again,

They can almost relive it and reminisce

Of the times that they've had.

They're reminiscing with each other, are they?

Just sort of, "remember that time when it all went wrong?

The button became the left when it should have been the right" and all the rest.

Yeah. - They just sort of talk about old times

And what have you like old people like to do.

- Sure. - And, yeah, that's it.

Perhaps we should retire monkey news to that same space.

That's what I mean. So I hope you've enjoyed the monkey news and that.

That was the last one. Look after the monkeys.

Do your bit 'cause they've done their bit. That's it.

But just cause I am not giving the news, look it up.

Do you know what I mean? It's all out there. Don't be ignorant.

wise words.

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