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1
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We do, of course, every week
get thousands of emails.
2
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Freddy from Winchester says,
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00:00:52,965 --> 00:00:54,955
"of course, it was recently
Valentine's day."
4
00:00:54,909 --> 00:00:57,569
What's the most romantic thing
you've done for Suzanne, Karl,
5
00:00:57,494 --> 00:00:58,926
"That you can think of?"
6
00:00:58,902 --> 00:01:04,144
Uh, I don't really do all that.
7
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- Go on.
- Valentine's day stuff.
8
00:01:06,628 --> 00:01:10,122
It's just-- if you do it once,
they expect it every year.
9
00:01:10,018 --> 00:01:11,415
- Yeah.
- Sure.
10
00:01:11,392 --> 00:01:13,320
That's the problem
with Christmas and stuff.
11
00:01:13,277 --> 00:01:17,002
It's become that's what
you do now every year.
12
00:01:16,888 --> 00:01:19,653
So I prefer to
just sort of wait
13
00:01:19,577 --> 00:01:23,471
And if I think of an idea or if I
know of something that she wants,
14
00:01:23,350 --> 00:01:25,115
I might get her something.
15
00:01:25,079 --> 00:01:26,942
But I might not do it
on Valentine's day.
16
00:01:26,902 --> 00:01:30,232
It's like how I've said
about pancake Tuesday.
17
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:32,832
Make it pancake Wednesday.
Have it when you want.
18
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,258
Why am I waiting for someone to
tell me when I can have a pancake?
19
00:01:35,192 --> 00:01:38,290
- I'll have it today if I want one.
Yeah.
20
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:40,232
If it's pancake Tuesday,
I won't bother.
21
00:01:40,185 --> 00:01:41,716
I'll have trifle.
22
00:01:41,689 --> 00:01:44,288
So it's the same with this
23
00:01:44,218 --> 00:01:46,017
With Suzanne.
24
00:01:45,979 --> 00:01:49,111
Luckily, Valentine's day
and what have you...
25
00:01:49,021 --> 00:01:51,385
- ...She was ill.
Luckily?
26
00:01:51,324 --> 00:01:53,957
So we didn't
have to go out.
27
00:01:53,886 --> 00:01:56,050
So I'd say-- is he
asking for advice?
28
00:01:55,998 --> 00:01:57,597
Well, I suppose, yeah.
Might as well give it.
29
00:01:57,568 --> 00:01:59,734
Treat 'em when they deserve it.
30
00:02:01,602 --> 00:02:04,835
I remember once
when Suzanne was ill.
31
00:02:04,740 --> 00:02:07,507
She had a fever, but there
was no food in the house.
32
00:02:07,431 --> 00:02:09,263
What did you suggest to her?
33
00:02:09,224 --> 00:02:11,223
She was too ill to cook.
34
00:02:11,177 --> 00:02:13,110
It was when we were still
living in Manchester.
35
00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:17,867
"we need to get
some food in for tea."
36
00:02:17,711 --> 00:02:21,044
I said, "come on.
Come to the supermarket."
37
00:02:20,945 --> 00:02:22,645
She's like, "no, I'm ill.
You go."
38
00:02:22,610 --> 00:02:25,277
I hate buying food.
I just get a bit blank.
39
00:02:25,205 --> 00:02:27,138
There's too much.
That's the problem.
40
00:02:27,095 --> 00:02:29,762
You go down all these aisles
and there's too much.
41
00:02:29,689 --> 00:02:31,656
So anyway, I said, "no, come on.
Come with me."
42
00:02:31,611 --> 00:02:33,478
She's like, "I've got these fever.
I'm hot and everything."
43
00:02:33,438 --> 00:02:36,105
So I said, "come to the supermarket,
you go to the frozen aisle,
44
00:02:36,033 --> 00:02:38,266
- Cool yourself down."
45
00:02:38,210 --> 00:02:42,845
And she did and said it made it worse.
She was ill for another three days.
46
00:02:44,642 --> 00:02:48,342
How would you go about chatting up a woman in a bar?
What tips could you give?
47
00:02:48,230 --> 00:02:52,064
Um, I've never
worked like that.
48
00:02:51,945 --> 00:02:54,145
It's always en a friend
of a friend and all that.
49
00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:57,691
You just happen to meet
and then you have a chat.
50
00:02:57,582 --> 00:02:59,415
How did you meet Suzanne?
51
00:02:59,375 --> 00:03:03,309
That was when I
was working with her.
52
00:03:03,187 --> 00:03:07,187
And she gave me 20p for
the hot chocolate machine.
53
00:03:07,063 --> 00:03:10,297
She never asked for it back.
Thought, "she's all right."
54
00:03:12,188 --> 00:03:15,156
And so it'll be 11 years.
So it works.
55
00:03:15,071 --> 00:03:18,206
Has she given you that--
have you ever--
56
00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:20,083
- You've never given that 20p back?
- She's never asked.
57
00:03:20,038 --> 00:03:22,339
Did you return the favor,
perhaps on the next date
58
00:03:22,281 --> 00:03:24,648
You buy her a Kit Kat
or something?
59
00:03:24,587 --> 00:03:29,756
I don't think I did. I think word
got out that she liked me and that.
60
00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:32,953
And what did I do?
61
00:03:32,853 --> 00:03:35,053
I think I did some work for her.
I did some editing.
62
00:03:34,999 --> 00:03:38,267
- Sort of show off me skills and that.
- Sure.
63
00:03:38,172 --> 00:03:40,006
She was like, "oh, you're
good at this, aren't you?"
64
00:03:39,966 --> 00:03:41,600
I was like, "yeah.
" and I think she got us another drink
65
00:03:41,568 --> 00:03:45,669
'cause I was doing the editing
for her in me own time.
66
00:03:45,539 --> 00:03:47,537
So you're up? You're up
on the deal, aren't you?
67
00:03:47,492 --> 00:03:49,489
'cause I know now.
I have it for fact
68
00:03:49,443 --> 00:03:51,306
That you've not spent
any money on her in 11 years.
69
00:03:51,266 --> 00:03:52,898
So you are--
you're 40p up.
70
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:55,064
At least.
71
00:03:57,444 --> 00:03:59,110
Lawrence from New York says,
72
00:03:59,078 --> 00:04:02,145
"I was wondering how Mr. K.
Pilkington would interpret this famous saying"
73
00:04:02,057 --> 00:04:03,891
Of philosopher
Ludwig Wittgenstein.
74
00:04:03,851 --> 00:04:06,918
The quote is 'if a lion could talk,
we could not understand him.'"
75
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:08,430
Even if he's English?
76
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:11,201
Yeah, if he-- yeah.
If a lion could speak English--
77
00:04:11,122 --> 00:04:13,156
So there's no language barrier.
78
00:04:13,109 --> 00:04:14,976
He's speaking English words
79
00:04:14,935 --> 00:04:17,869
And using all the correct
grammar and everything,
80
00:04:17,785 --> 00:04:20,119
But you wouldn't be able to
understand what he was saying.
81
00:04:20,061 --> 00:04:23,996
- Why?
- Because it is from a different world.
82
00:04:23,874 --> 00:04:26,509
Its frames of reference
would be so bizarre
83
00:04:26,437 --> 00:04:28,538
That you wouldn't be
able to get a grasp
84
00:04:28,489 --> 00:04:29,988
On what he was
talking about
85
00:04:29,961 --> 00:04:31,527
'cause you'd have
so little in common,
86
00:04:31,498 --> 00:04:33,832
Even if he used real words.
87
00:04:33,772 --> 00:04:35,306
But he's talking English.
88
00:04:35,278 --> 00:04:39,012
I know, but its reference points
would be just so far removed.
89
00:04:38,898 --> 00:04:41,865
You know,
they're removed slightly--
90
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:44,983
If you saw two people
talking about Kierkegaard,
91
00:04:44,889 --> 00:04:47,790
- You'd--
- I wouldn't understand it.
92
00:04:47,708 --> 00:04:50,309
Exactly. So remove that
a billion times
93
00:04:50,239 --> 00:04:52,473
To a different species
with different input.
94
00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:55,418
No, but it depends.
If I'm talking to a lion in London zoo...
95
00:04:55,333 --> 00:04:57,499
Yeah?
96
00:04:57,447 --> 00:04:59,481
...It'll be saying, "oh.
I'm fed up with being stuck in here."
97
00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:02,268
And I'll go, "yeah."
it's like the--
98
00:05:02,189 --> 00:05:04,123
It depends
what its background is.
99
00:05:04,079 --> 00:05:08,184
I mean, there's some people who might
have lived down the road from me
100
00:05:08,055 --> 00:05:09,992
But have a totally different Fe.
101
00:05:09,949 --> 00:05:11,451
Absolutely.
102
00:05:11,424 --> 00:05:14,394
So it doesn't matter
that it's a lion, does it?
103
00:05:14,310 --> 00:05:16,144
Well, yeah, because they're just
trying to remove it even more.
104
00:05:16,104 --> 00:05:19,039
So now it's not just a bloke
who lived a few doors away.
105
00:05:18,956 --> 00:05:22,024
Now it's not even a bloke.
Now it's not even--
106
00:05:21,936 --> 00:05:24,536
Yeah, but I'd pick
something smaller
107
00:05:24,467 --> 00:05:27,202
Or something-- you know,
a worm without a mouth.
108
00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:28,293
I'd go "definitely not."
109
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:30,180
- What?
- Definitely not what?
110
00:05:30,139 --> 00:05:31,572
I wouldn't be
having a chat with it.
111
00:05:31,549 --> 00:05:34,250
I-- I just think a worm
that's underground,
112
00:05:34,175 --> 00:05:37,811
- What's he got to offer me?
113
00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:39,634
He's blind
and hasn't got a mouth.
114
00:05:39,591 --> 00:05:41,992
It's not gonna be a good day out
with it is what I'm saying.
115
00:05:41,929 --> 00:05:44,898
It's not gonna have that much to say
to me even if it's English, right?
116
00:05:44,814 --> 00:05:47,283
Even if it's English.
117
00:05:47,218 --> 00:05:49,583
And how can you tell if a worm is English?
Does it wear a tiny bowler hat?
118
00:05:49,522 --> 00:05:51,022
Oh, Christ.
119
00:05:50,996 --> 00:05:53,063
- But do you understand--
- What about a jellyfish?
120
00:05:53,495 --> 00:05:56,196
No. You see,
I think that's where
121
00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:59,625
You can say you would be able
to have a good chat with him.
122
00:05:59,519 --> 00:06:01,453
Because to me,
123
00:06:01,411 --> 00:06:04,546
- The sea might as well
be another world. - Yeah.
124
00:06:04,454 --> 00:06:05,521
- Right?
- Yeah.
125
00:06:05,513 --> 00:06:07,414
In a way I think the fish
126
00:06:07,371 --> 00:06:09,972
Sort of have more
rights than us.
127
00:06:09,902 --> 00:06:11,203
What do you mean?
128
00:06:11,184 --> 00:06:14,386
Just because when whoever
made the world, right?
129
00:06:14,292 --> 00:06:18,028
Say we're just picking God, but
if I was to have a go at him,
130
00:06:17,913 --> 00:06:20,781
I'd say,
"you added too much water."
131
00:06:22,655 --> 00:06:24,755
Criticism one to God, right?
132
00:06:24,706 --> 00:06:27,541
How would you have
changed that? Just--
133
00:06:27,462 --> 00:06:29,530
- Just more land.
- Fair enough.
134
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,682
Now why why have fish
got more rights than us?
135
00:06:32,589 --> 00:06:34,193
Because there's loads of 'em,
136
00:06:34,163 --> 00:06:37,365
And when you look at the amount
of sea on the world, right?
137
00:06:37,271 --> 00:06:41,007
There's loads of that.
You only have to, like--
138
00:06:40,892 --> 00:06:42,760
I was in Malaga
the other week, right?
139
00:06:42,719 --> 00:06:45,187
And, you know,
you look in the sea--
140
00:06:45,122 --> 00:06:48,291
There's loads
of different fish
141
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:50,600
And that's just
in 8' water.
142
00:06:50,538 --> 00:06:54,374
If you go miles out, there's like all
sorts of weird fish, isn't there,
143
00:06:54,255 --> 00:06:55,823
With like lights
on them and everything?
144
00:06:55,794 --> 00:06:58,295
So and there are just
millions of different types.
145
00:06:58,228 --> 00:07:00,496
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
146
00:07:00,439 --> 00:07:03,273
But why does that mean that
they've got more rights than us?
147
00:07:03,194 --> 00:07:07,519
Just because I think
rights come in numbers,
148
00:07:07,382 --> 00:07:09,681
If you know what I mean.
149
00:07:09,623 --> 00:07:11,023
If there's one of you
shouting, people go,
150
00:07:11,001 --> 00:07:12,901
"oh, he's an idiot.
Shut up." whatever.
151
00:07:12,859 --> 00:07:14,859
If there's loads of you shouting,
they go, "let's listen to them,
152
00:07:14,814 --> 00:07:18,483
See what they've got to say.
" and that's what I mean about fish.
153
00:07:18,370 --> 00:07:20,404
- Yeah?
- There's loads of fish.
154
00:07:20,357 --> 00:07:21,991
- Right.
- So--
155
00:07:21,959 --> 00:07:24,493
But they're not really making their
voices heard, though, are they, Karl?
156
00:07:24,426 --> 00:07:26,426
I know 'cause
they're underwater.
157
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:29,382
But what I mean is--
I don't know what I mean.
158
00:07:38,911 --> 00:07:42,785
Karl, right, what do you
think it's like being a crab?
159
00:07:42,665 --> 00:07:47,103
If you could go now-- your mind
into a crab, what would you see?
160
00:07:46,961 --> 00:07:49,595
Where would you be? What would you be doing?
What would you be thinking?
161
00:07:49,524 --> 00:07:51,624
What would you think
of all the other things--
162
00:07:51,575 --> 00:07:53,909
The crabs you'd see,
the squids you'd see?
163
00:07:53,850 --> 00:07:55,750
What-- what it's like,
do you think?
164
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:58,978
It's like creative writing. Just think.
Just let yourself go. Go on.
165
00:07:58,881 --> 00:08:01,449
It's gotta be a crab?
166
00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:03,515
What do you think of a slug?
What do you think it to be a slug?
167
00:08:03,465 --> 00:08:06,428
What would you do if you were
transported now into a slug,
168
00:08:06,344 --> 00:08:08,476
What would you do?
And Suzanne--
169
00:08:08,424 --> 00:08:10,058
You're suddenly in the
kitchen but you're a slug,
170
00:08:10,027 --> 00:08:13,262
And Suzanne is sort of like there
just making tea and that.
171
00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:15,267
How do you let her know
that she is--
172
00:08:15,217 --> 00:08:18,519
It's impossible. I'd just Chuck myself
into the salt pot or something.
173
00:08:21,466 --> 00:08:23,466
No, because what do you do?
174
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:26,021
I'd hate that.
That would be horrible.
175
00:08:25,951 --> 00:08:28,753
oh God.
176
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:31,443
Have you ever read
Franz Kafka's "metamorphosis"?
177
00:08:31,366 --> 00:08:34,468
A man wakes up and he's
turned into a giant beetle?
178
00:08:34,378 --> 00:08:37,113
And that's the--
that's the whole story.
179
00:08:37,038 --> 00:08:40,073
- Uh-- - I think it might
be of interest to you.
180
00:08:39,986 --> 00:08:41,653
So what happened to him
with the beetle?
181
00:08:41,620 --> 00:08:42,786
I don't want to ruin it for
you in case you read it.
182
00:08:42,774 --> 00:08:44,307
I won't be reading it.
Don't worry.
183
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:46,747
He joined a pop group with three other people.
He was brilliant.
184
00:08:46,683 --> 00:08:48,650
No, it's a really
wonderful book.
185
00:08:48,606 --> 00:08:51,107
It's almost heartbreaking because
of course he does like Ricky said--
186
00:08:51,042 --> 00:08:52,842
He finds it very hard
then to relate to other people
187
00:08:52,804 --> 00:08:54,838
Even though he still has
the consciousness of a human.
188
00:08:54,790 --> 00:08:57,059
You know, his parents,
his rest of his family,
189
00:08:57,002 --> 00:09:00,072
They don't know how to deal with him,
you know, 'cause he's a giant beetle.
190
00:08:59,984 --> 00:09:03,220
He becomes a freak. He becomes an outsider.
It's terrible, you know.
191
00:09:03,124 --> 00:09:05,024
But-- but hang though.
Is he a giant beetle?
192
00:09:04,983 --> 00:09:07,980
- Yeah. - Yeah, well that's not
gonna go down well, is it?
193
00:09:07,894 --> 00:09:10,996
That's-- of course people
aren't gonna like you.
194
00:09:10,906 --> 00:09:15,944
If it's a normal-sized one, then you just
get in with the other beetles, don't you?
195
00:09:15,778 --> 00:09:17,746
Whereas
if you're a giant--
196
00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:20,035
How would you do that?
How would ingratiate yourself?
197
00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:22,144
So you're suddenly a beetle.
You're Karl Pilkington, right?
198
00:09:22,091 --> 00:09:24,493
There's the other beetles. They're doing their business.
They're scuttling around.
199
00:09:24,430 --> 00:09:28,066
And you go in there, and you go-- and
they look at yous a new beetle.
200
00:09:27,955 --> 00:09:31,458
What-- what's you're first-- what do you do?
How do you ingratiate yourself?
201
00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:35,555
Well, I wouldn't sort of barge
in into their house and that.
202
00:09:35,422 --> 00:09:37,155
I'd-- I'd wait until
they're out and about.
203
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:42,126
And I'd, like, in life,
sort of help 'em out.
204
00:09:41,962 --> 00:09:43,529
I don't know
what beetles do all day.
205
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:44,967
I've never seen one
doing anything.
206
00:09:44,942 --> 00:09:46,776
They just seem to be going
from one place to another.
207
00:09:46,737 --> 00:09:48,738
- Right.
- I've never seen them carrying anything.
208
00:09:48,692 --> 00:09:50,460
I don't know what they eat.
I don't know what they do.
209
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,224
I don't know why
we've got them, right?
210
00:09:52,185 --> 00:09:56,188
What I mean is, I'd watch 'em,
and I'd sort of help 'em out.
211
00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:59,965
And I mean it's like going on a
date or meeting a woman, isn't it?
212
00:09:59,844 --> 00:10:01,277
- But what if you--
- Whoa, hang on.
213
00:10:01,254 --> 00:10:03,221
What do you mean? How is it like
going on a date with a woman?
214
00:10:03,177 --> 00:10:05,810
Well it's like I said about
Suzanne with her hot chocolate.
215
00:10:05,738 --> 00:10:08,438
She bought me that, and I've
gone, "she's all right."
216
00:10:08,365 --> 00:10:09,732
She gets me another one.
217
00:10:09,711 --> 00:10:13,213
Before I know it,
she's living with me.
218
00:10:13,107 --> 00:10:16,008
So you're with these beetles,
they're scrubbing around, right?
219
00:10:15,926 --> 00:10:17,860
You're sort of like
watching them.
220
00:10:17,816 --> 00:10:19,817
And there's--
and then you realize
221
00:10:19,771 --> 00:10:21,738
That you want to mate
with this female beetle.
222
00:10:21,693 --> 00:10:23,227
What do you do?
What's your first move?
223
00:10:23,199 --> 00:10:25,167
Yeah, but I don't know
what beetles do, do I?
224
00:10:25,122 --> 00:10:28,690
I don't know what you do.
I don't know if you go up and go, "all right?"
225
00:10:28,582 --> 00:10:31,650
What do they do?
How do they get on?
226
00:10:31,562 --> 00:10:34,964
It's a different world. I don't know yet, do I?
'cause I haven't done it.
227
00:10:34,862 --> 00:10:38,564
Would you feel bad having your
own mind in this beetle, right?
228
00:10:38,450 --> 00:10:40,350
Would you feel bad
shagging a beetle?
229
00:10:40,309 --> 00:10:43,978
Would you feel that that was a bit
sick 'cause you've got a human mind?
230
00:10:43,865 --> 00:10:46,833
No 'cause you'd just close your
eyes and that, wouldn't you?
231
00:10:46,749 --> 00:10:50,218
Think of something else.
So get around it that way.
232
00:10:50,113 --> 00:10:52,013
There's no point
getting down about it
233
00:10:51,971 --> 00:10:54,778
'cause I'm stuck now as a beetle.
So you've gotta get on with it.
234
00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:58,475
But if you're a slug, you said you'd
throw yourself in the salt pot.
235
00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:00,793
What would you do if you were
a beetle if you got depressed
236
00:11:00,729 --> 00:11:03,030
And you see all the other humans?
You see your mates, right?
237
00:11:02,972 --> 00:11:05,173
They're listening to
their iPod. What would you do?
238
00:11:05,119 --> 00:11:07,319
Well, no. That's what I'm saying.
Beetles are different
239
00:11:07,265 --> 00:11:09,065
'cause they do tend to hang
about with each other.
240
00:11:09,027 --> 00:11:13,830
A slug's always on its own.
It's a lonely insect, isn't it?
241
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,941
- It's not an insect.
- All right, what is it?
242
00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,985
- A mollusk.
- Right. They're lonely.
243
00:11:17,934 --> 00:11:20,701
I've never seen a load
of snails all together
244
00:11:20,626 --> 00:11:22,393
Or slugs wandering about.
245
00:11:22,356 --> 00:11:24,590
Whereas beetles seem
to knock about in crowds.
246
00:11:24,535 --> 00:11:27,503
Yeah.
247
00:11:27,419 --> 00:11:30,754
So-- oh God. Okay,
all right. Another one.
248
00:11:30,655 --> 00:11:33,323
So they're sociable creatures,
and it wouldn't bother you
249
00:11:33,251 --> 00:11:35,418
That you've got the mind
of Karl Pilkington in there?
250
00:11:35,366 --> 00:11:37,400
'cause you can't communicate
with these beetles
251
00:11:37,352 --> 00:11:40,121
They don't speak English.
They don't have any communication with you.
252
00:11:40,044 --> 00:11:42,178
Yeah, but if it's happened to me,
there'll be another one in there.
253
00:11:42,128 --> 00:11:45,163
Okay then, right, okay.
254
00:11:45,076 --> 00:11:48,644
What would you do, right?
255
00:11:48,537 --> 00:11:50,469
What's the most
disgusting thing?
256
00:11:50,426 --> 00:11:53,026
What could it be?
What would you do
257
00:11:52,957 --> 00:11:55,193
If you were suddenly
a fly, right?
258
00:11:55,138 --> 00:11:57,309
And you were knocking around
with the flies, right?
259
00:11:57,256 --> 00:12:00,291
And you had to land
on some, uh--
260
00:12:00,205 --> 00:12:02,306
- Excrement?
- Yeah. What would you do?
261
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:05,357
- Yeah, but I don't have to.
- What do you mean? You're a fly.
262
00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:07,834
- You're loving it.
- I wouldn't be loving it, now would I?
263
00:12:07,766 --> 00:12:09,666
- Why? - Because I'm
me in that fly's head,
264
00:12:09,625 --> 00:12:14,062
So I don't think that the flies would
be going, "come on, join in."
265
00:12:13,919 --> 00:12:17,488
I'd just be like, "oh, I'll wait
here," wait, watch and that.
266
00:12:17,380 --> 00:12:20,015
'cause they don't-- I don't
see why they have to do that.
267
00:12:19,943 --> 00:12:21,944
What would you do
if you had to get back
268
00:12:21,898 --> 00:12:24,333
And you were in--
had to put your mind
269
00:12:24,269 --> 00:12:28,805
In like an UN-hatched egg
of something?
270
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:32,695
Like maybe one of those egg--
a wasp has injected a spider.
271
00:12:32,569 --> 00:12:34,536
So you know
you're in an egg,
272
00:12:34,491 --> 00:12:38,126
Which is really uncomfortable,
in a spider.
273
00:12:38,016 --> 00:12:41,285
How would you feel
about that, Karl?
274
00:12:41,188 --> 00:12:43,522
You're a baby wasp
275
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:45,330
In the abdomen of a spider.
276
00:12:45,289 --> 00:12:49,224
And I know everything that I know now?
I'm sat in there.
277
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:50,834
Yeah.
278
00:12:50,799 --> 00:12:55,168
"and now I'm in a spider
as an unborn wasp.
279
00:12:55,029 --> 00:12:59,235
What the fuck am I doing here?
What's going on?"
280
00:12:59,103 --> 00:13:01,170
I don't know
what I'd do there.
281
00:13:01,121 --> 00:13:05,758
Probably try and sleep.
282
00:13:07,434 --> 00:13:10,502
There's nothing else
to do, though, is there?
283
00:13:10,413 --> 00:13:12,714
I just pray to God
it never happens.
284
00:13:15,156 --> 00:13:18,491
I don't believe it!
He's written it down!
285
00:13:20,251 --> 00:13:21,751
Well that's
the jingle that signals
286
00:13:21,725 --> 00:13:24,760
It's time for more extracts
from Karl's diary.
287
00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:26,873
And we'll lunge
straight into it.
288
00:13:26,820 --> 00:13:29,988
"wandered down Carnaby street.
There was a happy homeless fella."
289
00:13:29,896 --> 00:13:33,965
I gave him ?1.50. I thought of a tongue
twister after giving him the money.
290
00:13:33,837 --> 00:13:36,738
It goes 'if you can't
treat a cheerful tramp,
291
00:13:36,656 --> 00:13:38,957
What sort of tramp
can you treat?'"
292
00:13:38,899 --> 00:13:40,533
- It's good that.
- All right.
293
00:13:40,501 --> 00:13:42,135
- Say it fast.
- "If you can't treat a cheerful tramp,
294
00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:44,838
- What sort of tramp can you treat?
" - Yeah. Good, isn't it?
295
00:13:44,763 --> 00:13:48,865
Good, that, yeah.
You got too much time on your hands, Karl.
296
00:13:48,735 --> 00:13:51,270
"learned some famous quotes to see if
they are as good as my sayings.
297
00:13:51,203 --> 00:13:54,805
Number one, 'treat every day
as if it's your last.'"
298
00:13:54,695 --> 00:13:57,500
Very famous saying.
Now is that something you do, Karl?
299
00:13:57,422 --> 00:14:02,492
Me problem with that one
is that if it was your last,
300
00:14:02,324 --> 00:14:04,358
You wouldn't
wanna be doing much.
301
00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:06,611
That's the only problem
I've got with that.
302
00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:10,256
I wouldn't wanna go to a
fairground or whatever,
303
00:14:10,142 --> 00:14:12,476
Because you're gonna know it's me last day.
What am I gonna do?
304
00:14:12,417 --> 00:14:14,451
And I think you'd spend
so much time worrying about
305
00:14:14,404 --> 00:14:18,005
What you're gonna do that
you'd end up staying in.
306
00:14:17,896 --> 00:14:20,230
I think you're right.
307
00:14:20,170 --> 00:14:21,871
You've taken some
of the poetry out of it.
308
00:14:21,837 --> 00:14:24,605
I think it means, "live life
to the fullest," right?
309
00:14:24,528 --> 00:14:27,063
I like the fact that you
were musing on the idea
310
00:14:26,996 --> 00:14:29,064
That if it was your last day,
you'd go to the fair.
311
00:14:30,905 --> 00:14:34,374
He's getting such a 19th-century
way of spending your final days.
312
00:14:34,270 --> 00:14:37,338
I know, yeah.
Well, the thing is--
313
00:14:37,250 --> 00:14:41,321
The other thing is that, the only
thing that people get depressed about
314
00:14:41,192 --> 00:14:43,694
In terms of sort of like
life and death
315
00:14:43,628 --> 00:14:47,331
Is not the knowledge
that they're gonna die,
316
00:14:47,217 --> 00:14:51,354
But more the knowledge that they know
they're gonna die when they're dying.
317
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:56,528
If someone told you no one ever
knows when they're gonna die,
318
00:14:56,351 --> 00:14:59,319
No one ever gets an illness,
no one ever gets hit by a truck,
319
00:14:59,235 --> 00:15:03,205
Everyone passes away
peacefully in their sleep
320
00:15:03,082 --> 00:15:04,682
Dreaming they're ring
a big marshmallow,
321
00:15:04,652 --> 00:15:07,487
Then you wouldn't care
about anything.
322
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,309
It wouldn't matter-- it wouldn't matter if
you died tomorrow or in 30 years' time.
323
00:15:10,228 --> 00:15:12,129
You'd just live life
to the full.
324
00:15:12,087 --> 00:15:14,288
Every day
would be great.
325
00:15:14,234 --> 00:15:16,235
You'd go out.
You'd come back.
326
00:15:16,189 --> 00:15:18,556
You'd fall asleep.
That would be amazing.
327
00:15:18,495 --> 00:15:22,264
There'd be no stress.
There'd be no angsty
328
00:15:22,148 --> 00:15:25,083
"aren't we all gonna die?
" stress. It wouldn't matter,
329
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,001
'cause it would
just be your life.
330
00:15:26,956 --> 00:15:29,691
Wouldn't it be amazing if
someone guaranteed you, Karl,
331
00:15:29,616 --> 00:15:32,151
You're gonna die in your sleep.
I'm not gonna tell you when.
332
00:15:32,083 --> 00:15:34,151
- Yeah, but some people do, don't they?
- Well, exactly.
333
00:15:34,102 --> 00:15:35,836
But we never know
we're going to, cause we--
334
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,001
We stress-- what if
we get a dreadful illness?
335
00:15:37,948 --> 00:15:39,649
What if we, you know--
336
00:15:39,614 --> 00:15:43,717
But we're almost not letting people
die naturally anymore, are we?
337
00:15:43,588 --> 00:15:45,755
We're bodging stuff up.
338
00:15:45,703 --> 00:15:49,272
- What do you mean? - Someone who
might naturally die in their sleep
339
00:15:49,165 --> 00:15:51,699
Aren't allowed to
naturally die in their sleep
340
00:15:54,773 --> 00:15:59,176
Because they wake 'em up and pop in a new
lung or whatever whilst they're at it.
341
00:15:59,036 --> 00:16:01,772
That's what I'm saying.
You never hear anymore,
342
00:16:01,696 --> 00:16:04,331
"frank peacefully
died in his sleep."
343
00:16:04,260 --> 00:16:07,629
No. He died on the operating table
whilst we were putting in a new lung.
344
00:16:07,528 --> 00:16:10,330
They never-- they don't
die naturally anymore.
345
00:16:12,368 --> 00:16:15,037
Frank died peacefully with 40
,000 volts going through him
346
00:16:14,964 --> 00:16:21,203
And a couple of people going,
"clear. Clear."
347
00:16:20,990 --> 00:16:22,923
"rushing about today.
Gotta get a lot done"
348
00:16:22,879 --> 00:16:24,877
As I'm flying to Malaga
tomorrow to see my mom and dad.
349
00:16:24,832 --> 00:16:26,831
Don't like flying.
I'd be happy
350
00:16:26,785 --> 00:16:29,053
If they'd give you a parachute
instead of a life jacket.
351
00:16:28,996 --> 00:16:31,964
They say Da Vinci invented the
parachute as well as the helicopter.
352
00:16:31,879 --> 00:16:35,448
He never got round to making them 'cause
he only drew them on some paper.
353
00:16:35,341 --> 00:16:37,542
Got up at 5:00 A.M.
As I had to get to Heathrow
354
00:16:37,487 --> 00:16:39,588
To get on the plane
to see mom and dad in Malaga.
355
00:16:39,539 --> 00:16:42,641
Went out for a drink with a
cousin who lives in Spain.
356
00:16:42,551 --> 00:16:46,554
Ain't seen her for 27 years.
" that must have been tricky, making conversation.
357
00:16:46,429 --> 00:16:49,130
I didn't really bother.
Where do you start?
358
00:16:49,056 --> 00:16:52,893
I might as well go up to anyone in
the street and start having a chat.
359
00:16:52,774 --> 00:16:56,744
You have to go further back than "did
you want Chantelle to win Big Brother?"
360
00:16:56,621 --> 00:16:58,889
"me dad and me
talked about history."
361
00:16:58,832 --> 00:17:01,500
I said we shouldn't go on about
things that happened ages ago
362
00:17:01,428 --> 00:17:03,961
'cause I bet something similar
has happened more recently."
363
00:17:03,894 --> 00:17:06,126
Brilliant.
364
00:17:06,070 --> 00:17:07,637
"read about island
in the Indian ocean"
365
00:17:07,608 --> 00:17:10,107
Where there are tribesmen still
living like they're cavemen.
366
00:17:10,042 --> 00:17:13,909
A helicopter tried to land and the
tribesmen chucked Spears at them.
367
00:17:13,788 --> 00:17:17,690
This is what I meant about not having to
talk about things that happened ages ago.
368
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:21,472
We have got new cavemen now, so why
do we talk about the old ones?
369
00:17:21,350 --> 00:17:23,251
People could have lived before
370
00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:25,043
But computers
and all that blew up
371
00:17:25,004 --> 00:17:29,706
And books got burned so all they had left
was what these tribesmen have got left."
372
00:17:29,554 --> 00:17:31,922
Ramblings of a mad man.
373
00:17:31,861 --> 00:17:33,261
That's the ramblings
of a maniac.
374
00:17:33,239 --> 00:17:34,973
I mean that's just a few hours
375
00:17:34,937 --> 00:17:36,271
Before you go crazy
with a gun in a--
376
00:17:36,251 --> 00:17:38,886
No. But what
I mean there is,
377
00:17:38,815 --> 00:17:43,051
Right, say if all this has happened before.
Something happens--
378
00:17:42,917 --> 00:17:45,584
Again, lot of your information
from the "planet of the apes."
379
00:17:45,511 --> 00:17:50,210
World ends, right?
We come back again somehow.
380
00:17:50,057 --> 00:17:53,325
Yeah. It's the detail you leave
out that makes you intriguing.
381
00:17:53,228 --> 00:17:54,862
Just like the watch
that you can wear
382
00:17:54,830 --> 00:17:57,232
That tells you
when you're gonna die.
383
00:17:57,170 --> 00:17:59,238
"how does it work?"
"pop it on your wrist."
384
00:17:59,190 --> 00:18:01,224
That's all the detail you need.
385
00:18:01,177 --> 00:18:05,480
So the world happened.
We came back.
386
00:18:05,343 --> 00:18:08,411
Have you seen the pictures?
387
00:18:08,322 --> 00:18:09,589
Forget it then
if you don't get it.
388
00:18:09,572 --> 00:18:11,871
It's interesting you had
all those profound thoughts
389
00:18:11,813 --> 00:18:13,446
About this period--
the past when they all lived,
390
00:18:13,415 --> 00:18:16,616
But you've still found
it appropriate
391
00:18:16,524 --> 00:18:19,859
To include at the end of that, "it says
the tribesmen waved their knobs about
392
00:18:19,759 --> 00:18:22,427
When they've had enough
of having visitors."
393
00:18:22,355 --> 00:18:23,856
That's what it said
in the paper.
394
00:18:23,829 --> 00:18:25,363
That's what happens.
They're quite happy--
395
00:18:25,335 --> 00:18:27,202
What paper is this
that you're reading?
396
00:18:27,162 --> 00:18:29,696
It was-- it was in-- it was in
like a paper a couple of days ago.
397
00:18:29,628 --> 00:18:32,096
It said they don't mind
having visitors
398
00:18:32,031 --> 00:18:34,666
If they're bringing coconuts
and stuff that they can eat.
399
00:18:34,595 --> 00:18:36,162
Once they've got
everything they need,
400
00:18:36,134 --> 00:18:38,134
They start waving
the tackle about
401
00:18:38,088 --> 00:18:41,289
And that means "leave now."
you would, wouldn't you?
402
00:18:41,196 --> 00:18:43,230
Yeah, at a dinner party.
403
00:18:43,182 --> 00:18:45,984
My grandfather
used to do that.
404
00:18:50,231 --> 00:18:54,000
Oh, chimpanzee that
monkey news, yeah!
405
00:18:56,543 --> 00:18:59,244
Oh that jingle is getting
more annoyed by the week.
406
00:18:59,169 --> 00:19:01,070
Well, this is the final
monkey news, right?
407
00:19:01,028 --> 00:19:04,864
I'm not doing this anymore.
We've covered it all.
408
00:19:04,745 --> 00:19:06,045
All the monkey news
has been covered?
409
00:19:06,027 --> 00:19:08,395
It has. It has.
We've done loads of them.
410
00:19:08,334 --> 00:19:11,871
I think all the news
that needs to be known
411
00:19:11,764 --> 00:19:14,298
Has been told, right?
412
00:19:14,232 --> 00:19:16,799
That is the end of the news.
Jesus Christ.
413
00:19:16,730 --> 00:19:18,965
- What?
- Get on with it.
414
00:19:18,909 --> 00:19:24,212
Right, we chatted about the monkey
that went into space and stuff.
415
00:19:24,035 --> 00:19:25,969
This is the one
that was fed by bananas
416
00:19:25,926 --> 00:19:28,227
That came out of a little
chute on the spacecraft?
417
00:19:28,169 --> 00:19:30,069
Yeah it went up there,
it came back.
418
00:19:30,028 --> 00:19:32,663
- It could never get that--
The high-- yeah.
419
00:19:32,591 --> 00:19:35,826
He tried other things. I think he tried
to get a band together and that.
420
00:19:38,551 --> 00:19:40,885
Right. So anyway,
there was loads of monkeys
421
00:19:40,825 --> 00:19:42,926
That were signed up
to this NASA program.
422
00:19:42,876 --> 00:19:48,314
And it was 1961 when this little monkey
called ham-- that was his name--
423
00:19:48,131 --> 00:19:51,231
As well as him, there was
one called called Enos.
424
00:19:51,142 --> 00:19:53,743
So what I found out
about it since then,
425
00:19:53,673 --> 00:19:58,676
Ham went up there, the left-right
business with the bananas.
426
00:19:58,512 --> 00:20:05,649
Enos-- they didn't put as much work
into the trip when he went up there.
427
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:08,034
And something went
wrong with the machinery.
428
00:20:07,963 --> 00:20:12,367
You know how you get a banana for
the left button and all that?
429
00:20:12,226 --> 00:20:14,730
It's official now.
There's two buttons in this spaceship--
430
00:20:14,665 --> 00:20:17,768
Banana dispenser
and everything else.
431
00:20:17,678 --> 00:20:19,979
The right button
is everything else.
432
00:20:19,921 --> 00:20:23,457
But-- but it worked the other way.
The machinery went weird.
433
00:20:23,351 --> 00:20:26,218
- Oh no. Really?
- It meant that the right button
434
00:20:26,138 --> 00:20:29,907
- Would give him a banana.
- Right.
435
00:20:29,792 --> 00:20:32,126
- The left button did everything else.
Oh no.
436
00:20:32,066 --> 00:20:35,902
So this is the problem
with electronics, isn't it?
437
00:20:35,783 --> 00:20:38,684
- Well, no-- - No, this--
apparently this is the problem.
438
00:20:38,603 --> 00:20:40,303
But the good-- I mean honestly,
look it up if you want.
439
00:20:40,269 --> 00:20:41,870
This is all online by the way.
440
00:20:41,839 --> 00:20:43,873
So what happened when it all went haywire?
What occurred?
441
00:20:43,825 --> 00:20:46,893
Karl? Karl? This is online
and it's bollocks.
442
00:20:46,805 --> 00:20:50,340
Luckily, Enos-- because
he'd done a few trips.
443
00:20:50,234 --> 00:20:51,635
Right,
he was experienced.
444
00:20:51,613 --> 00:20:53,281
So he was like,
"I know this isn't right.
445
00:20:53,248 --> 00:20:56,253
As much as I love bananas,
this isn't right."
446
00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:58,335
That was his thinking.
Of course it was.
447
00:20:58,283 --> 00:21:00,986
So he came back. They were all
like over the moon with him.
448
00:21:00,912 --> 00:21:03,014
He said, "I can't work
with these conditions."
449
00:21:02,965 --> 00:21:06,301
Good mission and everything. Well done and
working it out. You sorted all that out.
450
00:21:06,202 --> 00:21:11,374
He moved on a few years. Armstrong has
gone up there, buzz and that other fella.
451
00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:13,803
They've been up there.
The monkeys aren't needed anymore.
452
00:21:13,733 --> 00:21:16,868
But they were like, "we've got all these
monkeys who've done NASA training."
453
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:19,111
What we gonna do with 'em all?
454
00:21:19,052 --> 00:21:23,720
And they had
to raise ?14 million
455
00:21:23,569 --> 00:21:29,505
To make 'em like a old sort
of chimp's home for retired--
456
00:21:29,303 --> 00:21:32,805
- Astronauts.
- Retired NASA-trained monkeys.
457
00:21:32,700 --> 00:21:34,701
- Chimpanauts.
- Chimpanauts.
458
00:21:34,655 --> 00:21:37,261
Something they've got in there,
is like a little museum
459
00:21:37,190 --> 00:21:39,325
Of all the missions
and that that they've been on
460
00:21:39,273 --> 00:21:42,609
So they can sort of-- even though they're
not gonna be going into space again,
461
00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:44,912
They can almost
relive it and reminisce
462
00:21:44,850 --> 00:21:47,217
Of the times
that they've had.
463
00:21:47,156 --> 00:21:48,689
They're reminiscing
with each other, are they?
464
00:21:48,662 --> 00:21:50,795
Just sort of, "remember that
time when it all went wrong?
465
00:21:50,744 --> 00:21:53,078
The button became the left when it should
have been the right" and all the rest.
466
00:21:53,019 --> 00:21:56,287
Yeah. - They just
sort of talk about old times
467
00:21:56,190 --> 00:21:57,691
And what have you
like old people like to do.
468
00:21:57,665 --> 00:22:00,636
- Sure.
- And, yeah, that's it.
469
00:22:00,551 --> 00:22:02,952
Perhaps we should retire monkey
news to that same space.
470
00:22:02,891 --> 00:22:06,660
That's what I mean. So I hope you've
enjoyed the monkey news and that.
471
00:22:06,543 --> 00:22:09,011
That was the last one.
Look after the monkeys.
472
00:22:08,946 --> 00:22:14,583
Do your bit 'cause they've
done their bit. That's it.
473
00:22:14,393 --> 00:22:18,162
But just cause I am not
giving the news, look it up.
474
00:22:18,046 --> 00:22:20,714
Do you know what I mean?
It's all out there. Don't be ignorant.
475
00:22:20,642 --> 00:22:23,543
wise words.
476
00:22:23,593 --> 00:22:28,143
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