Original subtitles

For the past few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

Have been meeting regularly

For a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

With me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...

- Hello. - ...And the little round-headed buffoon

That is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

I wonder if we should have a jingle for questions for Karl

'cause there's a lot of questions coming in for Karl.

Okay.

Oh, chimpanzee that! Questions for Karl-ee!

Yeah, okay, no. Fair enough, that works.

Um, this is from Jim and Bob in Manchester.

Karl, if you could talk to any animal,

Which one would it be and what would you say to it?

Uh...

Insect, animal anything, fish anything?

Well, they said "animal," but that's...

Yeah, let's broaden it to anything...

- Animal... well animal... insect is an animal. - ...Any creature.

Yeah, I know, but I'm just... you know, I don't want to get it wrong.

- I'm just thinking... - yeah.

There's a lot of stuff out there, isn't there?

- Um... - I... I'd probably go

For the tortoise.

- Okay. - 'cause it would take a long time

To walk away from you while you were talking?

Most animals would be off straightaway.

Yeah yeah.

Just because they live for ages,

So they'll have loads of stories.

They've lived through a lot. Through wars and stuff.

If you get an old one...

Yeah, most of them have lived in a box in a garden

For 52 years.

No... but you... but you get some that have been about...

- Yeah. - Some... well, some have experienced more than you.

- Yeah. - But, uh, they've broadened their horizons

A bit more than you.

They could probably teach you a thing or two, yeah.

And what would you hope to learn from them?

Just... just history.

Right...

From their very specific tortoise perspective.

Our emails... we've had a lot of questions about time travel.

People are fascinated about your approach to time travel

And I know we talked about this in the past.

But, um, this is a very specific time travel question.

"if you had a time machine, Karl,"

To what event in your childhood

"Would you travel back to and why?"

What's the point in going back to things that you...

No, it's just that it's never as good as...

It's like a place you go on holiday.

And you go back thinking it'll be as good as the first time.

It never is.

So I don't... I don't believe in...

- Going back to places. - What... what...

What do you understand the question is...

Do... do you think they're asking

Would you go back like a ghost and spy?

Would you go back and you've got, um,

Your childhood back, you are that child again?

You're in the body, you are the child?

Or you've got your adult, um, head and experiences on,

- You know... - Rick, I really don't think

Karl was thinking there was any of those variations.

Let's be honest.

- But now that you've flagged... - I think he was thinking of him as he is now

- In school with a cap on. - Yeah yeah.

Too big for the chairs.

Yeah. Yeah, come on.

No, I... I don't think I would go back.

It's all happened now, hasn't it?

Yeah, but it's an email for our own amusement.

- Well, okay... - choose an event...

Okay, forget the time travel thing.

No, hang on. I think...

Let's clarify one of Ricky's points.

What if you could go back and you could live

That moment again, how would you do it differently?

There's been times where I've gone

"oh, that was a bit out of order or whatever."

But then you learn from your mistakes, don't you?

So I don't wanna go back and change stuff

Cause it's... it's like that thing

That they go on about, isn't it, where they

Blame the butterfly on an earthquake.

You know, it's gonna happen.

If it wasn't that butterfly, it's another one.

So why... why pass the buck is what I'm saying.

So you've got no regrets?

There's nothing in your past you'd wanna change or do differently?

What... what about if you went back and you spied,

Like a ghost, on somebody?

You couldn't change anything,

But you could... you could have a look at someone

- And just sort of... like, uh, you know? - Like what?

Like Ebenezer scrooge does with the ghost of Christmas past.

He goes back and he's sort of like looking at himself

Dancing and stuff. What would you do?

What would you go back and have a look at?

You're asking me to change. I don't want to change...

You're not changing, you're just observing!

It's impossible. This question... it's not gonna happen.

You're not gonna have to... it's impossible.

All right. Yeah, I nearly died once, didn't I,

On a, uh... on an ice pop.

- Right. - Right.

Now maybe if I would have died, I'd say, well let's go back

To that and I won't have an ice pop.

You wouldn't be doing the podcast if you had died.

To that and I won't you wouldn't be having this email put to you.

- What are you talking about? - That's absurd.

You're now saying... you're rewriting history

And then going back to change it.

- There's no need. - You didn't die.

How can you change it?

You can't change anything.

You're just gonna go back and watch. Would you like to go back

And watch yourself choking on a mister freeze?

No, that's what I'm saying. That's why I wouldn't go back now 'cause I'm all right.

I haven't had one since. I've learned a lesson.

I'm not missing them ice pops. So...

I don't think you're making the most of this opportunity to fantasize.

I don't mean, do you mean in going back in time.

To the point of you can see like Rome in its working day?

Well, in your childhood...

Was Rome about when in your childhood?

Where there gladiators in your childhood?

Everything I've been through, I've been through.

- So why see it again? - Forget it.

It was just a nice little question.

I mean that shows the lack of imagination in Karl Pilkington.

Your mind can't fathom something unless it's like, you know, got two heads.

But I don't see the point in doing something twice.

'cause the thing is, say if there's one good moment

When I was about six that I loved,

I then have to go through all the other 20 years again.

But why? Why have you imposed that?

It's a fantasy. Make it up.

You could go back and come back again.

Yeah whizz back and fast-forward 35 years.

- No. - Brilliant... no...

Like it was on offer, like this was really on offer.

- Move on. - "migrant workers in South China

Are wearing adult diapers on packed trains..."

"heading home for the new year holiday 'cause they've got

No access to the toilet.

Many supermarkets in this particular part of China

Have reported a 50% increase in sales of adult nappies

For the train trips."

Now what do you make of that, Karl?

You're on a long long train journey... three hours,

- Four hours... - you know there's no toilet.

You know you're gonna need to go.

- Pop on a... - why isn't there any toilets?

There just aren't on the trains.

And they're a really long journey?

- Yeah. - How long?

- Hours. - Very long in China.

It's a big country.

I... I wouldn't... I couldn't do that.

I couldn't... I couldn't do it.

I'd have to hold it in or something.

Just like, uh... I mean, when I was a young kid,

I don't know how young you are

When you wear a Nappie and that.

But, um, I remember that I didn't like it...

Doing it in a pair of pants like that...

A pair of nappies and that.

And I used to have to, uh... even when I was too small

To sort of get up on the toilet and that,

'cause you'd fall in.

Um, me mom knew that I didn't like nappies and that.

I used to just go in, in the corner,

Just near the kitchen

In this thing that... like a... like a litter tray.

And I'd go there and, uh...

I'd do me thing and, uh...

You know, me mom used to say, "oh he's... he's going there.

Don't look at him," and that. 'cause it put me off.

You know, like cats don't like being watched

When they do it.

When they go in their litter tray

- In the kitchen. - No, they don't like it.

What are you, just like a little feral kid?

Just running around and going for litter tray,

Covering it up and then running up the curtain

And eating a sweet at the top of the pelmet?

No, but nobody likes being watched

And that's what I'm saying.

If you're sat on a train and you're knocking one out

And everyone's looking at ya,

It's... I don't think it'll catch on.

Well, it has caught on. They're all doing it.

They're just... they're just... they're just sitting there.

They're doing, you know, they're reading

The paper, doing sudoku...

...And they're looking around

When they're going, thinking, "oh, no one knows I'm going.

Everyone's thinking that and everyone's going."

I mean, what... what are we getting to?

You know, I mean, what... what's going on in the world

- That this is happening? - I know.

I mean, people have always had to travel for ages.

I just don't... I don't understand

Why there isn't a toilet on it. We're going backwards.

We're going backwards.

Aren't we?

Why isn't there a toilet on it?

Well, maybe there is, but maybe people are thinking

The queue is gonna take forever.

- If you got 125 million people going... - yeah, but not everybody wants

To go at once. I mean I know Chinese

And all that are like at the forefront

Of everything that goes on in the world, inventing stuff first.

But this isn't one of the best that they've come up with.

What have they invented then, the Chinese?

Loads of stuff, haven't they?

Well, just thought I'd ask.

You seem quite educated on the subject.

The cat mop things I told you about.

Brilliant.

This is where you put mops on the feet of cats, was that right?

- Yeah. - Brilliant.

And they wander about the house, clean up and that,

Wash the floor for you, mostly puttering about.

Um, they've done like hats with umbrellas on 'em,

They've done... they've done... I mean, they've...

They're known for like coming up with stuff first.

Yeah, I mean my first thought was gunpowder,

But yeah, cats with mops is good as well.

Well, now to one of our most popular features.

Um, I mean this could even

Rival monkey news one day.

I mean, it is monkey news.

It's... it's, you know, it's news from the point of view

Of a monkey... a shaved monkey.

It's Karl Pilkington's diary.

Oh, he's written it down!

- Was that the jingle or were you just... - well, yeah...

Okay.

"went and did the podcast, we had a meeting after."

I don't like meetings 'cause I can't keep focused

On what people are talking about.

I think Ricky has the same problem as, after 25 minutes,

He was trying to wrestle me."

"I tried to do what spiders do"

And stayed still, as if I was dead.

But Ricky just stayed on top of me not moving,

A bit like when you see one of them big snakes swallowing a sheep.

Ricky got bored and released me.

I went home thinking why had I left my old job for this?

A homeless man asked me for some money,

But I didn't feel like I should treat him

"As I felt that he'd probably had a better day than me."

oh-ho!

Oh, God!

"Suzanne called me to say she'd gone for a haircut"

And that she'd meet me in the supermarket.

I went to the supermarket, but she wasn't there.

I called her and she said she was near the fruit aisle.

I went to the fruit aisle and she wasn't there.

Turns out she was in a different supermarket

On the other side of town...

...And if I'd listened to her properly,

I'd have known that.

- I didn't wanna say..." - what, you just went to the first supermarket

You thought of as opposed to listening to what supermarket?

"I'm in a supermarket." "all right, bye."

"I didn't want to say that I hadn't heard her properly"

'cause my ears were ringing a bit

From the wrestling from earlier.

25 minutes later, I met up with Suzanne.

Her haircut wasn't that bad.

Normally, her haircuts are followed by an argument

Between us, as she pays over the odds

For some daft haircut that's the latest style."

- Brilliant. - "I wish she'd take a picture out of a magazine

Or ask for a style rather than letting the hairdresser do what she wants.

I said I only tell her to do this as she's got a square head

And a close-cut hairdo makes it look squarer.

She said, 'what do you think of this cut?'

I said it looked all right, as I couldn't be bothered arguing about it.

It's weird writing a diary.

I don't know who thought of doing one of these first.

The last time I did one was at school.

They used to get you to do it

So they could keep an eye on whatever you were up to.

My diary used to say the same thing every night:

'got home, went to the shop to get potatoes, bread, milk.

Went home, watched telly, went to bed.'

I think I might have gone to twiggy's dance club

Just so I had something different to write."

You've not told us about twiggy's dance club.

It's just, uh, you know, I saw it when I was a kid.

I sort of gave everything a bit of a go.

I did boxing and that. Gave that a go.

About 45 minutes.

And, uh, yeah a mate... a mate sort of said,

"oh, you're into your dancing, your robotics and that.

You're doing your body pop. Right?"

"body popping and that."

He said, uh, "you ought to come to twiggy's."

And, uh, I went there,

Um, but I didn't go in.

It was shut... it was...

It was... they were just having like loads of toilet rolls delivered.

I think like, they were like

Using it as a storage place for toilet rolls and that.

So I said, "oh, I've come to have a dance and that."

"oh, not tonight. Come back tomorrow."

I never went back.

Brilliant. Next.

What a waste of an anecdote.

Right. Brilliant.

Just to recap, you are convinced then,

That the teachers are asking you to keep diaries

So they can keep tabs on you?

And then to continue the diary, "as there were more problems

Happening on the estate, they started to add Saturday and Sundays to the school diary

To keep an eye on what we were doing at the weekend.

I struggled to fill it on a Sunday,

As the shop I got potatoes and bread from was shut on a Sunday.

I had to go over to Shepherd's bush to meet someone.

I got the tube. There was a badly burnt man on the tube.

It's amazing how the body can continue

Through quite a lot of bad stuff.

It got me thinking about how much stuff

You could remove in your body, one by one...

...Without dying.

If it was a competition, the cockroach would win

As it can live for a week without a head."

I just mean like...

Say... say if, you know, they're running out

Of ideas for TV programs and that, right?

You get someone who isn't well.

You go, "look, do you mind if we make a program on you?"

And what they do... they sit 'em in the bed

And they go, "right, what we're gonna do now

Is take out the heart but replace it

With a pacemaker. Right. "

No no no no. Sorry.

People with pacemakers

Don't have their heart taken out and a pacemaker popped in.

All right then.

Um, some sort of machine.

- What I'm getting to is... - have you been playing operation?

What I mean is...

What I mean is, the big finale would just be a head

Chatting with loads of wires going into it and it's like,

"look what we can do with science."

that's what the program's called

And it ends the same every week.

The volunteer is just a head with loads of wires coming out.

"look what we can do with science."

- And he's going... - Goodbye.

..."oh! I feel ill!"

"got some posts delivered to me today.

It was"...

Oh, this is great.

This makes it in the diary.

"got some post delivered to me today.

It was addressed to Mr. Dilkington."

I don't know why that's so funny!

Oh, God.

"I got some post delivered to me today.

It was addressed to Mr. Dilkington."

"I opened it and the first sentence read,

'dear Mr. K. Dilkington,

You are one of our most valuable customers.'

I put it in the bin."

"thought I would learn some new words."

As Steve always says, I don't use enough different words.

I read in the 'fortean times' that the word 'wewe'

Means an ugly female ghost with drooping breasts."

What do you mean?

Is that... am I pronouncing that right?

Who's using that word? Who is using that word?

It was just w-e-w-e.

- Let's just call it a "wewe." - all right.

"an ugly female ghost th drooping breasts."

I think I'm right when I say

There are too many words in the world.

I don't think I will ever get round to using the word 'wewe.'

Watched a health program.

Wasn't watching it properly,

But heard some doctor say that we only get

So many heartbeats in a lifetime."

"so don't do too much exercise."

"I told Suzanne and she said I probably hadn't heard it right."

We got talking about death.

Suzanne said she didn't like thinking about it.

I said she might end up being a wewe."

"I was chuffed, as I'd managed to use my new word."

I went to the supermarket to get tonight's tea.

On the way, I stopped and looked in the fishmonger's

At all the different fish they had in the window."

He's like a child, like in one of those kids' TV shows.

- I know! - Mr. Pilkington went to the fishmonger.

He stopped and looked at all the fish in the window.

"hello, Mr. Dilkington," they said.

"there was a newspaper clipping"

Stuck on the glass about a two-headed fish

That they've made in Taiwan.

I don't see the point in doing this

As a fish having two heads ain't gonna solve

The world's hunger problems, as the head is the bit

You throw away.

Invent a fish with two bodies and I'd say 'well done.'"

good point, isn't it?

"Suzanne watched one of her favorite TV programs."

I've told her the telly only goes on if there's something

She wants to watch.

If there's nothing on, she has to talk to me

About stuff I've learned...

Like Descartes.

Watched a program on him the other day.

He is the one who said something like,

I know I'm about, 'cause I dream.

Doesn't work for everything, 'cause ants don't sleep."

"I don't know if I'd like that or not."

You don't know if you would like it if you didn't ever sleep?

Not sleeping. It's just one long day.

I don't know... don't know how you'd put up with that.

- You think it'd be a good idea? - No.

Why not?

Well, because as you said, it would get a bit boring.

You know, you'd... sleep is your rest,

Your time off.

It... it helps you detoxify,

It helps you sort of, um,

Think things through on a subconscious level.

- It... it... - but don't you ever get it where... I mean,

Sometimes it's brilliant to have a sleep when you're tired.

- But don't you sometimes feel like... - yeah that's the best time

- To have a sleep... when you're tired. - No, but sometimes

When you go to bed and you're not that tired and you're kinda think,

"I'm gonna waste some of the hours of me life now and I'm not really in the mood for this"...

That's just wishing you had longer on this earth doing creative things.

I mean if you didn't have to sleep, you could spend more time

Talking to a tortoise and going to the toffee shop.

Well, it's that time again.

- If you'd give us the jingle, please. - Oh...

Chimpanzee that!

Monkey news!

Monkey!

Okay, now that surely cannot be fair on anyone's ears listening.

Right, um... ages ago, right,

About... about the 1950s...

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah.

...There was this gangster knocking about.

And you know how like...

Was he called Harry fingers?

Do you know how like a lot of gangsters

Like to get into gambling and that?

Yeah. Yeah.

And, uh, you know, like all these...

All these peers and all these mates

- Who were like gangsters and stuff... - Mmm.

...They've all bought horses. Right?

Like they took, you know, took racing

- And they make money from 'em and that, don't they? - Yeah, mm.

- So anyway, he was... - and chuckles the seagull was no different.

And... and he was like,

"yeah that's, uh,

That's a good thing to get into.

I might get into a bit of that. Right?"

So he gets himself this horse, right?

And it... there's a big race coming up, that's why he's sort of...

And the jockey turns up and it's fine.

He's a human jockey and it's fine.

Excellent. Okay. Well, that was another podcast.

- So, anyway- - um, please listen next...

- Oh, hang on. There's more. - Oh, go on.

So anyway... so, uh, this big race is coming up...

- Yeah... - He's like, "I've gotta be

Involved in this because I can make a lot of money out of me horse here."

- Choose the jockey wisely then. - So he says to his mate...

He said, "look, uh, I've got myself

A horse and that."

He said, "we just need a jockey.

Get someone, sort it out so I can get in this race."

- Go to the jockey club, there's loads of 'em. - His mate's like,

"yeah all right, I'll have a word and that. I'll have a look around

- And see if there's anyone decent." - the good thing about jockeys

Is there's been a shortage of jockeys because a lot of them don't make the grade.

So there's always too many jockeys to go round.

- Always too many human jockeys. - Yeah.

There's never a problem getting jockeys. Go on.

So anyway, right, so his mate says,

"look, I'm having a problem getting a jockey."

- Seems odd because Ricky's just been saying... - well, that's weird!

- He's just been saying there's not a problem. - What do you mean?

- So... - just because the main problem was...

- Go on. - A lot of jockeys were aware of this gangster and were saying

"I'm not getting involved with this guy.

The chances are, I won't get paid.

You know, he's a gangster. It's not worth it."

No, you would do it if it was a gangster asking ya.

You'd be scared of the consequences.

So anyway, he's saying "look, don't be coming to me

With problems and that, right?

I've got the horse. I want it in the race. Sort it out."

So they're like, "oh, but boss..."

And he's like, "don't give me any of that."

Exactly. They do what he says. So, any jockey would do it.

- Go on. - So anyway, so the day before...

The big race, yeah.

Left it to last minute... okay, but, fine.

And, uh, he says, "have you got a jockey then?"

They're like, "yeah, but"... and he's going,

"don't worry about it. Have you got a jockey?" "yeah, but..."

He wants to say sure... yeah...

So, uh, he's saying "has he ridden horses before and that?"

He said, "we yeah, he has, but mainly"...

And he's like, "brilliant." and he goes, "yeah,

But mainly in like a circus." In the Jung...

No, like in the... in the circus and that.

- He'd worked... he'd worked with horses and stuff. - In the circus.

- It's fine. - So he's like that's... that's enough, that's...

That's all I need to know. He'd be too heavy,

'cause circus people are quite built, aren't they?

They'd be a bit heavier than the jockey

'cause the jockeys are about eight and a half stone.

He said, "brilliant. Get him down there and that, right?"

Anyway, the race happens.

He didn't wanna meet him beforehand?

No point. No bother. As far as he's concerned...

- It's all sorted. - He's putting his money on it and what have you.

What happened is they were trying to make him

- Put on the jockey outfit. - Yeah.

But for some reason, it didn't fit that well.

Sleeves too short, legs too long.

- It's that sort of problem. - Okay.

So they let him like, you know, wear his stuff

That he wore in the circus and that

'cause it's... it's comfortable and that.

He's happy with it, you know.

Anyway, the race starts and what have you.

Uh, this horse straight out of the trap and that... high speed, right.

This... this jockey's got a really big grin on his face.

He's loving it. Everyone's cheering, going, "who's this?

Who's this jockey?" Yeah.

"it's amazing. Never seen him before, yet look at him."

But they could see his face clearly?

Anyway, gangster's happy and that 'cause he's...

Thought you were gonna say the crowd can see the jockey coming.

- What? - The crowd can... I mean, it's...

- But he's so fast and what have you. - It's a blur.

- It's all a blur, really. - He's really... he's good at it.

I mean, apparently, he was close to falling off

And people were like, "he's gone... he's a goner."

He's got such a good reach that he managed to grab hold of the...

At the end of it, you know, like the winner

Sort of rides around the crowd a bit.

- Yeah. - Sort of, you know,

Show off and what have you. Yeah.

And all the women are there.

And you know, like, women are all dolled up at these events.

- Sure. - They've all got big hats on.

Sometimes they've got fruit on those hats.

Yeah.

Okay. Right.

Yeah. Right.

- Um, one of the women... - oh my God!

In the '50s particularly, Carmen Miranda was very popular.

- Yeah yeah. - One of the women had like...

Like you say, fruit and what have you on her...

And a little... little Right.

They're not real... they're not real though, the hats.

- It's not real fruit, is it? - No, of course not.

I thought they wore those sort of at kind of Cuban...

Yeah, but even... even if it's like a big event,

You know, you might have a hat with fruit on it.

It's sort of joke, but it's fake fruit

'cause it would... it would perish...

Well, this... this jockey didn't understand that.

He'd never seen false fruit.

Why did the jockey suddenly...

- ...Why was he so desperate for fruit? - I don't understand.

So anyway, so meanwhile, the gangster's collecting his 500-quid winnings.

- Right. - He's over the moon.

He kicks off 'cause of this woman with the fruit.

Yeah, I still don't understand why the jockey would go...

Everyone noticed. Jockey... little monkey.

Oh, that makes sense. If he was a monkey, that would make sense.

- Yeah. - What year was this, 'cause I wanna...

It was... it was 1950s and that's where the saying

Comes from about... you know how like in cockney slang

500 quid is a monkey?

He... he sort of... you know, he put a monkey on it.

- And it all goes back to the time when... - so this happened

- In this... in the... - in this country...

So someone could well still be alive

- That we could easily contact that... - well, that's it.

We always, you know, there's no time length on this monkey news

If you've got any... if it's history.

- You know, if it goes back... - or if it's made-up bullshit.

- Just send it in. - If it's absolutely bollocks,

- Please send it in. - And that's this week's monkey news.

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