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For the past
few years Ricky Gervais,
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00:00:19,732 --> 00:00:22,433
Stephen Merchant,
and Karl Pilkington
3
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,534
Have been meeting
regularly
4
00:00:24,593 --> 00:00:26,761
For a series
of pointless conversations.
5
00:00:26,821 --> 00:00:28,688
This is one of them.
6
00:00:28,746 --> 00:00:30,513
- Testing.
- Is that all right?
7
00:00:32,661 --> 00:00:35,830
Hello and welcome
to "The Ricky Gervais Show"
8
00:00:35,902 --> 00:00:37,670
With me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...
9
00:00:37,725 --> 00:00:40,760
- Hello. - ...And the
little round-headed buffoon
10
00:00:40,831 --> 00:00:42,331
That is Karl Pilkington.
11
00:00:42,384 --> 00:00:43,918
Hi.
12
00:00:50,013 --> 00:00:52,247
I wonder if we should have a
jingle for questions for Karl
13
00:00:52,309 --> 00:00:54,510
'cause there's a lot of
questions coming in for Karl.
14
00:00:54,570 --> 00:00:56,071
Okay.
15
00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:58,892
Oh, chimpanzee that!
Questions for Karl-ee!
16
00:01:00,242 --> 00:01:02,410
Yeah, okay, no.
Fair enough, that works.
17
00:01:02,469 --> 00:01:04,337
Um, this is from
Jim and Bob in Manchester.
18
00:01:04,394 --> 00:01:07,930
Karl, if you could
talk to any animal,
19
00:01:08,006 --> 00:01:10,274
Which one would it be
and what would you say to it?
20
00:01:10,336 --> 00:01:11,936
Uh...
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00:01:13,137 --> 00:01:15,171
Insect, animal
anything, fish anything?
22
00:01:15,230 --> 00:01:16,997
Well, they said "animal,"
but that's...
23
00:01:17,052 --> 00:01:18,553
Yeah, let's broaden it
to anything...
24
00:01:18,605 --> 00:01:20,840
- Animal... well animal... insect
is an animal. - ...Any creature.
25
00:01:20,901 --> 00:01:23,203
Yeah, I know, but I'm just... you
know, I don't want to get it wrong.
26
00:01:23,264 --> 00:01:24,731
- I'm just thinking...
- yeah.
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00:01:24,783 --> 00:01:26,818
There's a lot of stuff
out there, isn't there?
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00:01:26,876 --> 00:01:30,812
- Um...
- I... I'd probably go
29
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For the tortoise.
30
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:35,495
- Okay.
- 'cause it would take a long time
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To walk away from you
while you were talking?
32
00:01:37,375 --> 00:01:39,076
Most animals would
be off straightaway.
33
00:01:39,130 --> 00:01:40,464
Yeah yeah.
34
00:01:40,514 --> 00:01:42,015
Just because they live for ages,
35
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:43,568
So they'll have
loads of stories.
36
00:01:43,620 --> 00:01:45,654
They've lived through a lot.
Through wars and stuff.
37
00:01:45,713 --> 00:01:47,247
If you get an old one...
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00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:50,335
Yeah, most of them
have lived in a box in a garden
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00:01:50,406 --> 00:01:51,873
For 52 years.
40
00:01:51,924 --> 00:01:53,859
No... but you... but you get
some that have been about...
41
00:01:57,190 --> 00:02:00,293
- Yeah. - Some... well, some
have experienced more than you.
42
00:02:00,364 --> 00:02:02,799
- Yeah.
- But, uh, they've broadened their horizons
43
00:02:02,862 --> 00:02:04,529
A bit more than you.
44
00:02:04,584 --> 00:02:06,418
They could probably teach
you a thing or two, yeah.
45
00:02:06,474 --> 00:02:08,242
And what would you hope
to learn from them?
46
00:02:08,297 --> 00:02:09,764
Just... just history.
47
00:02:09,817 --> 00:02:12,652
Right...
48
00:02:12,719 --> 00:02:14,720
From their very specific
tortoise perspective.
49
00:02:16,399 --> 00:02:19,501
Our emails... we've had a lot
of questions about time travel.
50
00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:21,707
People are fascinated about
your approach to time travel
51
00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:23,434
And I know we talked
about this in the past.
52
00:02:23,488 --> 00:02:25,923
But, um, this is a very
specific time travel question.
53
00:02:25,986 --> 00:02:27,587
"if you had
a time machine, Karl,"
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00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:29,708
To what event in your childhood
55
00:02:29,767 --> 00:02:31,835
"Would you travel
back to and why?"
56
00:02:31,893 --> 00:02:34,228
What's the point in going back
to things that you...
57
00:02:34,290 --> 00:02:36,258
No, it's just that
it's never as good as...
58
00:02:36,316 --> 00:02:37,950
It's like a place
you go on holiday.
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00:02:38,004 --> 00:02:39,838
And you go back thinking it'll
be as good as the first time.
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00:02:39,894 --> 00:02:41,595
It never is.
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00:02:41,650 --> 00:02:43,351
So I don't...
I don't believe in...
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00:02:43,405 --> 00:02:45,607
- Going back to places.
- What... what...
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00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:47,401
What do you understand
the question is...
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00:02:47,456 --> 00:02:49,491
Do... do you think
they're asking
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00:02:49,549 --> 00:02:52,084
Would you go back
like a ghost and spy?
66
00:02:52,148 --> 00:02:54,650
Would you go back
and you've got, um,
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00:02:54,714 --> 00:02:57,049
Your childhood back,
you are that child again?
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00:02:57,111 --> 00:02:58,945
You're in the body,
you are the child?
69
00:02:59,002 --> 00:03:02,304
Or you've got your adult,
um, head and experiences on,
70
00:03:02,411 --> 00:03:04,045
- You know...
- Rick, I really don't think
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00:03:04,099 --> 00:03:05,933
Karl was thinking there
was any of those variations.
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00:03:05,989 --> 00:03:07,823
Let's be honest.
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00:03:07,879 --> 00:03:10,381
- But now that you've flagged... - I
think he was thinking of him as he is now
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00:03:10,445 --> 00:03:12,313
- In school with a cap on.
- Yeah yeah.
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00:03:12,369 --> 00:03:14,103
Too big for the chairs.
76
00:03:14,158 --> 00:03:16,293
Yeah. Yeah, come on.
77
00:03:16,353 --> 00:03:18,354
No, I... I don't think
I would go back.
78
00:03:18,412 --> 00:03:19,845
It's all happened now,
hasn't it?
79
00:03:19,898 --> 00:03:22,766
Yeah, but it's an email
for our own amusement.
80
00:03:22,835 --> 00:03:24,302
- Well, okay...
- choose an event...
81
00:03:24,353 --> 00:03:26,087
Okay, forget
the time travel thing.
82
00:03:26,143 --> 00:03:27,443
No, hang on. I think...
83
00:03:27,493 --> 00:03:28,994
Let's clarify
one of Ricky's points.
84
00:03:29,046 --> 00:03:30,580
What if you could go back
and you could live
85
00:03:30,632 --> 00:03:32,300
That moment again, how would
you do it differently?
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00:03:32,354 --> 00:03:34,088
There's been times
where I've gone
87
00:03:34,144 --> 00:03:35,944
"oh, that was a bit
out of order or whatever."
88
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,568
But then you learn
from your mistakes, don't you?
89
00:03:38,633 --> 00:03:40,201
So I don't wanna go back
and change stuff
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00:03:40,253 --> 00:03:41,753
Cause it's...
it's like that thing
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00:03:41,806 --> 00:03:43,306
That they go on about,
isn't it, where they
92
00:03:43,359 --> 00:03:44,792
Blame the butterfly
on an earthquake.
93
00:03:44,845 --> 00:03:46,746
You know, it's gonna happen.
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00:03:46,802 --> 00:03:48,336
If it wasn't that butterfly,
it's another one.
95
00:03:48,389 --> 00:03:52,025
So why... why pass the buck
is what I'm saying.
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00:03:52,103 --> 00:03:53,636
So you've got no regrets?
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00:03:53,689 --> 00:03:56,190
There's nothing in your past you'd
wanna change or do differently?
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00:03:56,255 --> 00:03:58,289
What... what about if you
went back and you spied,
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00:03:58,347 --> 00:03:59,748
Like a ghost, on somebody?
100
00:03:59,799 --> 00:04:01,366
You couldn't change anything,
101
00:04:01,420 --> 00:04:03,087
But you could... you could
have a look at someone
102
00:04:03,141 --> 00:04:04,909
- And just sort of... like,
uh, you know? - Like what?
103
00:04:04,964 --> 00:04:07,132
Like Ebenezer scrooge does with
the ghost of Christmas past.
104
00:04:07,192 --> 00:04:09,294
He goes back and he's
sort of like looking at himself
105
00:04:09,353 --> 00:04:11,254
Dancing and stuff.
What would you do?
106
00:04:11,310 --> 00:04:12,744
What would you go back
and have a look at?
107
00:04:12,795 --> 00:04:15,330
You're asking me to change.
I don't want to change...
108
00:04:15,396 --> 00:04:17,697
You're not changing,
you're just observing!
109
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:20,427
It's impossible. This
question... it's not gonna happen.
110
00:04:20,493 --> 00:04:22,027
You're not gonna have to...
it's impossible.
111
00:04:22,079 --> 00:04:24,013
All right. Yeah,
I nearly died once, didn't I,
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00:04:24,071 --> 00:04:26,239
On a, uh... on an ice pop.
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- Right.
- Right.
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00:04:27,953 --> 00:04:30,121
Now maybe if I would have died,
I'd say, well let's go back
115
00:04:30,181 --> 00:04:32,649
To that and I won't have an ice pop.
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00:04:32,679 --> 00:04:34,881
You wouldn't be doing
the podcast if you had died.
117
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:37,643
To that and I won't you wouldn't
be having this email put to you.
118
00:04:37,709 --> 00:04:39,443
- What are you talking about?
- That's absurd.
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00:04:39,498 --> 00:04:40,999
You're now saying...
you're rewriting history
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00:04:41,051 --> 00:04:42,719
And then going
back to change it.
121
00:04:42,773 --> 00:04:44,440
- There's no need.
- You didn't die.
122
00:04:44,495 --> 00:04:46,095
How can you change it?
123
00:04:46,149 --> 00:04:47,783
You can't change anything.
124
00:04:47,836 --> 00:04:49,837
You're just gonna go back and
watch. Would you like to go back
125
00:04:49,895 --> 00:04:52,430
And watch yourself
choking on a mister freeze?
126
00:04:52,495 --> 00:04:55,763
No, that's what I'm saying. That's why I
wouldn't go back now 'cause I'm all right.
127
00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:58,672
I haven't had one since. I've learned a lesson.
128
00:04:58,740 --> 00:05:01,209
I'm not missing them ice
pops. So...
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00:05:01,272 --> 00:05:03,740
I don't think you're making the most
of this opportunity to fantasize.
130
00:05:06,032 --> 00:05:07,966
I don't mean, do you mean
in going back in time.
131
00:05:08,023 --> 00:05:10,591
To the point of you can see
like Rome in its working day?
132
00:05:10,657 --> 00:05:12,091
Well, in your childhood...
133
00:05:12,142 --> 00:05:13,843
Was Rome about
when in your childhood?
134
00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:15,498
Where there gladiators
in your childhood?
135
00:05:15,552 --> 00:05:17,319
Everything I've been through,
I've been through.
136
00:05:17,375 --> 00:05:18,842
- So why see it again?
- Forget it.
137
00:05:18,893 --> 00:05:20,961
It was just
a nice little question.
138
00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:24,289
I mean that shows the lack of
imagination in Karl Pilkington.
139
00:05:24,363 --> 00:05:27,431
Your mind can't fathom something unless
it's like, you know, got two heads.
140
00:05:27,502 --> 00:05:30,337
But I don't see the point
in doing something twice.
141
00:05:30,405 --> 00:05:32,006
'cause the thing is,
say if there's one good moment
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00:05:32,059 --> 00:05:33,860
When I was about six
that I loved,
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00:05:33,915 --> 00:05:37,251
I then have to go through
all the other 20 years again.
144
00:05:37,325 --> 00:05:38,993
But why?
Why have you imposed that?
145
00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:40,915
It's a fantasy.
Make it up.
146
00:05:40,971 --> 00:05:42,572
You could go back
and come back again.
147
00:05:42,625 --> 00:05:45,627
Yeah whizz back
and fast-forward 35 years.
148
00:05:45,697 --> 00:05:47,698
- No.
- Brilliant... no...
149
00:05:47,757 --> 00:05:50,659
Like it was on offer,
like this was really on offer.
150
00:05:50,727 --> 00:05:53,662
- Move on.
- "migrant workers in South China
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00:05:53,732 --> 00:05:56,300
Are wearing adult diapers
on packed trains..."
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00:05:56,364 --> 00:05:58,799
"heading home for the new year
holiday 'cause they've got
153
00:05:58,862 --> 00:06:01,197
No access to the toilet.
154
00:06:01,259 --> 00:06:03,327
Many supermarkets in this
particular part of China
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00:06:03,387 --> 00:06:07,023
Have reported a 50% increase
in sales of adult nappies
156
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:08,767
For the train trips."
157
00:06:08,822 --> 00:06:10,289
Now what do you make
of that, Karl?
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00:06:10,340 --> 00:06:12,074
You're on a long long
train journey... three hours,
159
00:06:12,130 --> 00:06:13,763
- Four hours...
- you know there's no toilet.
160
00:06:13,818 --> 00:06:15,285
You know you're
gonna need to go.
161
00:06:15,336 --> 00:06:17,471
- Pop on a... - why
isn't there any toilets?
162
00:06:17,531 --> 00:06:19,399
There just aren't
on the trains.
163
00:06:19,455 --> 00:06:21,089
And they're
a really long journey?
164
00:06:21,142 --> 00:06:22,876
- Yeah.
- How long?
165
00:06:22,932 --> 00:06:24,666
- Hours.
- Very long in China.
166
00:06:24,721 --> 00:06:26,255
It's a big country.
167
00:06:26,308 --> 00:06:28,942
I... I wouldn't...
I couldn't do that.
168
00:06:29,009 --> 00:06:31,310
I couldn't... I couldn't do it.
169
00:06:31,372 --> 00:06:33,706
I'd have to hold it in
or something.
170
00:06:33,769 --> 00:06:36,704
Just like, uh...
I mean, when I was a young kid,
171
00:06:36,772 --> 00:06:38,373
I don't know how young you are
172
00:06:38,427 --> 00:06:40,228
When you wear
a Nappie and that.
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00:06:40,283 --> 00:06:43,819
But, um, I remember
that I didn't like it...
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00:06:43,896 --> 00:06:45,763
Doing it in a pair
of pants like that...
175
00:06:45,819 --> 00:06:47,687
A pair of nappies and that.
176
00:06:47,744 --> 00:06:50,279
And I used to have to, uh...
even when I was too small
177
00:06:50,344 --> 00:06:52,545
To sort of get up
on the toilet and that,
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00:06:52,605 --> 00:06:54,072
'cause you'd fall in.
179
00:06:54,125 --> 00:06:57,627
Um, me mom knew that I
didn't like nappies and that.
180
00:06:57,703 --> 00:06:59,704
I used to just go in,
in the corner,
181
00:06:59,762 --> 00:07:01,229
Just near the kitchen
182
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,582
In this thing that...
like a... like a litter tray.
183
00:07:05,298 --> 00:07:07,833
And I'd go there and, uh...
184
00:07:07,897 --> 00:07:10,265
I'd do me thing and, uh...
185
00:07:10,328 --> 00:07:12,162
You know, me mom used to say,
"oh he's... he's going there.
186
00:07:12,218 --> 00:07:14,286
Don't look at him," and that.
'cause it put me off.
187
00:07:14,345 --> 00:07:16,346
You know, like cats
don't like being watched
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00:07:16,405 --> 00:07:17,872
When they do it.
189
00:07:17,923 --> 00:07:19,490
When they go
in their litter tray
190
00:07:19,544 --> 00:07:21,078
- In the kitchen.
- No, they don't like it.
191
00:07:21,130 --> 00:07:23,398
What are you,
just like a little feral kid?
192
00:07:23,459 --> 00:07:25,761
Just running around
and going for litter tray,
193
00:07:25,823 --> 00:07:27,891
Covering it up and then
running up the curtain
194
00:07:27,949 --> 00:07:30,617
And eating a sweet
at the top of the pelmet?
195
00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:32,551
No, but nobody
likes being watched
196
00:07:32,608 --> 00:07:34,075
And that's what I'm saying.
197
00:07:34,127 --> 00:07:36,028
If you're sat on a train
and you're knocking one out
198
00:07:36,085 --> 00:07:38,053
And everyone's looking at ya,
199
00:07:38,110 --> 00:07:40,212
It's... I don't think
it'll catch on.
200
00:07:42,026 --> 00:07:43,793
Well, it has caught on.
They're all doing it.
201
00:07:43,850 --> 00:07:45,784
They're just... they're just...
they're just sitting there.
202
00:07:45,841 --> 00:07:48,043
They're doing, you know, they're reading
203
00:07:48,103 --> 00:07:49,570
The paper, doing sudoku...
204
00:07:49,621 --> 00:07:51,422
...And they're looking around
205
00:07:51,479 --> 00:07:53,680
When they're going, thinking,
"oh, no one knows I'm going.
206
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,474
Everyone's thinking that
and everyone's going."
207
00:07:55,530 --> 00:07:57,230
I mean, what...
what are we getting to?
208
00:07:57,285 --> 00:07:59,486
You know, I mean, what...
what's going on in the world
209
00:07:59,546 --> 00:08:01,848
- That this is happening?
- I know.
210
00:08:01,910 --> 00:08:05,713
I mean, people have always
had to travel for ages.
211
00:08:05,792 --> 00:08:07,793
I just don't...
I don't understand
212
00:08:07,851 --> 00:08:10,286
Why there isn't a toilet on
it. We're going backwards.
213
00:08:10,350 --> 00:08:12,818
We're going backwards.
214
00:08:12,881 --> 00:08:14,548
Aren't we?
215
00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:18,555
Why isn't there a toilet on it?
216
00:08:18,619 --> 00:08:20,754
Well, maybe there is,
but maybe people are thinking
217
00:08:20,814 --> 00:08:22,615
The queue is
gonna take forever.
218
00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:25,572
- If you got 125 million people
going... - yeah, but not everybody wants
219
00:08:25,642 --> 00:08:27,075
To go at once.
I mean I know Chinese
220
00:08:27,127 --> 00:08:29,361
And all that
are like at the forefront
221
00:08:29,423 --> 00:08:31,757
Of everything that goes on in
the world, inventing stuff first.
222
00:08:31,819 --> 00:08:35,054
But this isn't one of the best
that they've come up with.
223
00:08:35,128 --> 00:08:36,628
What have they invented
then, the Chinese?
224
00:08:36,681 --> 00:08:38,214
Loads of stuff, haven't they?
225
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:39,767
Well, just thought I'd ask.
226
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,587
You seem quite educated
on the subject.
227
00:08:41,642 --> 00:08:43,577
The cat mop things
I told you about.
228
00:08:43,634 --> 00:08:45,201
Brilliant.
229
00:08:45,255 --> 00:08:47,256
This is where you put mops on
the feet of cats, was that right?
230
00:08:47,314 --> 00:08:49,415
- Yeah.
- Brilliant.
231
00:08:49,475 --> 00:08:51,576
And they wander about
the house, clean up and that,
232
00:08:51,635 --> 00:08:54,303
Wash the floor for you, mostly puttering about.
233
00:08:54,370 --> 00:08:56,237
Um, they've done like
hats with umbrellas on 'em,
234
00:08:56,294 --> 00:08:58,461
They've done... they've
done... I mean, they've...
235
00:08:58,522 --> 00:09:01,057
They're known for like
coming up with stuff first.
236
00:09:01,121 --> 00:09:02,755
Yeah, I mean my first
thought was gunpowder,
237
00:09:02,808 --> 00:09:04,509
But yeah, cats with mops
is good as well.
238
00:09:09,662 --> 00:09:13,798
Well, now to one of our
most popular features.
239
00:09:13,882 --> 00:09:16,250
Um, I mean this could even
240
00:09:16,312 --> 00:09:18,313
Rival monkey news one day.
241
00:09:18,371 --> 00:09:19,872
I mean, it is monkey news.
242
00:09:19,924 --> 00:09:21,892
It's... it's, you know,
it's news from the point of view
243
00:09:21,949 --> 00:09:23,149
Of a monkey...
a shaved monkey.
244
00:09:23,199 --> 00:09:25,200
It's Karl Pilkington's diary.
245
00:09:25,257 --> 00:09:26,925
Oh, he's written it down!
246
00:09:30,626 --> 00:09:32,493
- Was that the jingle or
were you just... - well, yeah...
247
00:09:36,229 --> 00:09:37,697
Okay.
248
00:09:37,748 --> 00:09:40,216
"went and did the podcast,
we had a meeting after."
249
00:09:40,279 --> 00:09:42,147
I don't like meetings
'cause I can't keep focused
250
00:09:42,204 --> 00:09:43,872
On what people
are talking about.
251
00:09:43,926 --> 00:09:46,261
I think Ricky has the same
problem as, after 25 minutes,
252
00:09:46,323 --> 00:09:47,890
He was trying
to wrestle me."
253
00:09:49,833 --> 00:09:51,968
"I tried to do what spiders do"
254
00:09:52,028 --> 00:09:54,096
And stayed still,
as if I was dead.
255
00:09:54,154 --> 00:09:56,889
But Ricky just stayed
on top of me not moving,
256
00:09:56,957 --> 00:10:00,025
A bit like when you see one of
them big snakes swallowing a sheep.
257
00:10:03,134 --> 00:10:05,602
Ricky got bored
and released me.
258
00:10:05,666 --> 00:10:09,035
I went home thinking why had
I left my old job for this?
259
00:10:10,358 --> 00:10:11,758
A homeless man asked me
for some money,
260
00:10:11,810 --> 00:10:13,444
But I didn't feel
like I should treat him
261
00:10:13,497 --> 00:10:15,465
"As I felt that he'd probably
had a better day than me."
262
00:10:15,523 --> 00:10:17,357
oh-ho!
263
00:10:17,414 --> 00:10:18,847
Oh, God!
264
00:10:18,899 --> 00:10:20,900
"Suzanne called me to say
she'd gone for a haircut"
265
00:10:20,958 --> 00:10:23,159
And that she'd meet me
in the supermarket.
266
00:10:23,220 --> 00:10:25,154
I went to the supermarket,
but she wasn't there.
267
00:10:25,211 --> 00:10:27,012
I called her and she said
she was near the fruit aisle.
268
00:10:27,069 --> 00:10:28,803
I went to the fruit aisle
and she wasn't there.
269
00:10:28,857 --> 00:10:31,692
Turns out she was
in a different supermarket
270
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:34,262
On the other side of town...
271
00:10:34,326 --> 00:10:36,127
...And if I'd
listened to her properly,
272
00:10:36,183 --> 00:10:38,150
I'd have known that.
273
00:10:38,209 --> 00:10:40,643
- I didn't wanna say..."
- what, you just went to the first supermarket
274
00:10:40,707 --> 00:10:43,308
You thought of as opposed to
listening to what supermarket?
275
00:10:43,373 --> 00:10:44,973
"I'm in a supermarket."
"all right, bye."
276
00:10:45,028 --> 00:10:47,229
"I didn't want to say that
I hadn't heard her properly"
277
00:10:47,289 --> 00:10:48,690
'cause my ears
were ringing a bit
278
00:10:48,741 --> 00:10:50,575
From the wrestling
from earlier.
279
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,814
25 minutes later,
I met up with Suzanne.
280
00:10:53,872 --> 00:10:55,873
Her haircut wasn't that bad.
281
00:10:55,964 --> 00:10:57,965
Normally, her haircuts
are followed by an argument
282
00:10:58,024 --> 00:10:59,725
Between us,
as she pays over the odds
283
00:10:59,780 --> 00:11:02,115
For some daft haircut
that's the latest style."
284
00:11:02,176 --> 00:11:04,511
- Brilliant.
- "I wish she'd take a picture out of a magazine
285
00:11:04,573 --> 00:11:07,441
Or ask for a style rather than letting
the hairdresser do what she wants.
286
00:11:07,510 --> 00:11:10,278
I said I only tell her to do
this as she's got a square head
287
00:11:10,346 --> 00:11:12,780
And a close-cut hairdo
makes it look squarer.
288
00:11:12,844 --> 00:11:15,045
She said, 'what do you
think of this cut?'
289
00:11:15,105 --> 00:11:17,974
I said it looked all right, as I
couldn't be bothered arguing about it.
290
00:11:18,042 --> 00:11:19,576
It's weird writing a diary.
291
00:11:19,628 --> 00:11:21,396
I don't know who thought
of doing one of these first.
292
00:11:21,452 --> 00:11:22,853
The last time I did one
was at school.
293
00:11:22,937 --> 00:11:24,405
They used to get you to do it
294
00:11:24,456 --> 00:11:26,090
So they could keep an eye
on whatever you were up to.
295
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:27,912
My diary used to say
the same thing every night:
296
00:11:27,967 --> 00:11:31,169
'got home, went to the shop
to get potatoes, bread, milk.
297
00:11:31,242 --> 00:11:32,842
Went home, watched telly,
went to bed.'
298
00:11:32,896 --> 00:11:35,497
I think I might have gone
to twiggy's dance club
299
00:11:35,563 --> 00:11:37,697
Just so I had something
different to write."
300
00:11:37,757 --> 00:11:39,358
You've not told us about
twiggy's dance club.
301
00:11:39,411 --> 00:11:42,080
It's just, uh, you know,
I saw it when I was a kid.
302
00:11:42,145 --> 00:11:43,912
I sort of gave
everything a bit of a go.
303
00:11:43,968 --> 00:11:46,136
I did boxing and that.
Gave that a go.
304
00:11:46,196 --> 00:11:47,897
About 45 minutes.
305
00:11:47,952 --> 00:11:49,753
And, uh, yeah a mate...
a mate sort of said,
306
00:11:49,808 --> 00:11:52,944
"oh, you're into your dancing,
your robotics and that.
307
00:11:53,015 --> 00:11:55,517
You're doing your body pop. Right?"
308
00:11:55,581 --> 00:11:57,048
"body popping and that."
309
00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:58,835
He said, uh, "you ought
to come to twiggy's."
310
00:11:58,889 --> 00:12:00,723
And, uh, I went there,
311
00:12:00,779 --> 00:12:02,814
Um, but I didn't go in.
312
00:12:02,872 --> 00:12:04,640
It was shut... it was...
313
00:12:04,696 --> 00:12:07,331
It was... they were just having like
loads of toilet rolls delivered.
314
00:12:07,396 --> 00:12:09,064
I think like,
they were like
315
00:12:09,118 --> 00:12:11,953
Using it as a storage place
for toilet rolls and that.
316
00:12:12,021 --> 00:12:13,821
So I said, "oh, I've come
to have a dance and that."
317
00:12:13,878 --> 00:12:15,478
"oh, not tonight.
Come back tomorrow."
318
00:12:16,983 --> 00:12:18,451
I never went back.
319
00:12:18,503 --> 00:12:20,404
Brilliant.
Next.
320
00:12:20,460 --> 00:12:23,329
What a waste of an anecdote.
321
00:12:24,579 --> 00:12:27,047
Right. Brilliant.
322
00:12:27,110 --> 00:12:28,611
Just to recap,
you are convinced then,
323
00:12:28,663 --> 00:12:30,531
That the teachers are
asking you to keep diaries
324
00:12:30,588 --> 00:12:32,856
So they can keep
tabs on you?
325
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:35,152
And then to continue the diary,
"as there were more problems
326
00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:38,281
Happening on the estate, they started to
add Saturday and Sundays to the school diary
327
00:12:38,353 --> 00:12:40,120
To keep an eye on what
we were doing at the weekend.
328
00:12:40,175 --> 00:12:41,743
I struggled
to fill it on a Sunday,
329
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:45,398
As the shop I got potatoes and
bread from was shut on a Sunday.
330
00:12:46,994 --> 00:12:48,628
I had to go over to Shepherd's
bush to meet someone.
331
00:12:48,682 --> 00:12:51,283
I got the tube. There was a
badly burnt man on the tube.
332
00:12:51,349 --> 00:12:53,250
It's amazing how
the body can continue
333
00:12:53,307 --> 00:12:54,974
Through quite a lot
of bad stuff.
334
00:12:55,029 --> 00:12:56,896
It got me thinking
about how much stuff
335
00:12:56,953 --> 00:13:00,021
You could remove in your body, one by one...
336
00:13:00,092 --> 00:13:01,692
...Without dying.
337
00:13:01,747 --> 00:13:03,414
If it was a competition,
the cockroach would win
338
00:13:03,468 --> 00:13:05,469
As it can live
for a week without a head."
339
00:13:05,527 --> 00:13:06,994
I just mean like...
340
00:13:07,046 --> 00:13:08,647
Say... say if, you know,
they're running out
341
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:11,001
Of ideas for TV programs
and that, right?
342
00:13:11,064 --> 00:13:12,865
You get someone who isn't well.
343
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:15,155
You go, "look, do you mind
if we make a program on you?"
344
00:13:15,216 --> 00:13:17,818
And what they do...
they sit 'em in the bed
345
00:13:17,883 --> 00:13:19,817
And they go, "right,
what we're gonna do now
346
00:13:19,875 --> 00:13:21,342
Is take out the heart
but replace it
347
00:13:21,393 --> 00:13:23,127
With a pacemaker. Right. "
348
00:13:23,182 --> 00:13:25,017
No no no no. Sorry.
349
00:13:25,073 --> 00:13:26,640
People with pacemakers
350
00:13:26,694 --> 00:13:28,828
Don't have their heart taken
out and a pacemaker popped in.
351
00:13:28,887 --> 00:13:30,388
All right then.
352
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,208
Um, some sort of machine.
353
00:13:32,263 --> 00:13:34,898
- What I'm getting to is... -
have you been playing operation?
354
00:13:34,963 --> 00:13:36,998
What I mean is...
355
00:13:37,057 --> 00:13:39,792
What I mean is, the big
finale would just be a head
356
00:13:39,859 --> 00:13:42,627
Chatting with loads of wires
going into it and it's like,
357
00:13:42,694 --> 00:13:44,929
"look what we can
do with science."
358
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:48,359
that's
what the program's called
359
00:13:48,433 --> 00:13:49,900
And it ends
the same every week.
360
00:13:49,952 --> 00:13:52,220
The volunteer is just a head
with loads of wires coming out.
361
00:13:52,282 --> 00:13:53,982
"look what we can do
with science."
362
00:13:54,037 --> 00:13:55,737
- And he's going...
- Goodbye.
363
00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:56,893
..."oh! I feel ill!"
364
00:13:56,940 --> 00:13:58,708
"got some posts
delivered to me today.
365
00:13:58,763 --> 00:14:00,731
It was"...
366
00:14:00,789 --> 00:14:02,256
Oh, this is great.
367
00:14:02,307 --> 00:14:03,775
This makes it in the diary.
368
00:14:03,827 --> 00:14:05,728
"got some post
delivered to me today.
369
00:14:05,784 --> 00:14:08,519
It was addressed
to Mr. Dilkington."
370
00:14:14,933 --> 00:14:16,400
I don't know why
that's so funny!
371
00:14:16,452 --> 00:14:19,921
Oh, God.
372
00:14:21,752 --> 00:14:23,386
"I got some post
delivered to me today.
373
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,975
It was addressed to Mr. Dilkington."
374
00:14:26,039 --> 00:14:28,240
"I opened it and the first
sentence read,
375
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:31,169
'dear Mr. K. Dilkington,
376
00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:35,107
You are one of our most
valuable customers.'
377
00:14:35,188 --> 00:14:37,255
I put it in the bin."
378
00:14:39,644 --> 00:14:41,345
"thought I would learn
some new words."
379
00:14:41,399 --> 00:14:44,067
As Steve always says, I don't
use enough different words.
380
00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:47,803
I read in the 'fortean times'
that the word 'wewe'
381
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,916
Means an ugly female ghost
with drooping breasts."
382
00:14:54,193 --> 00:14:55,727
What do you mean?
383
00:14:55,780 --> 00:14:57,247
Is that... am I
pronouncing that right?
384
00:14:57,299 --> 00:14:59,433
Who's using that word?
Who is using that word?
385
00:14:59,494 --> 00:15:00,994
It was just w-e-w-e.
386
00:15:01,046 --> 00:15:02,781
- Let's just call it a "wewe."
- all right.
387
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:05,036
"an ugly female ghost
th drooping breasts."
388
00:15:05,097 --> 00:15:06,631
I think I'm right when I say
389
00:15:06,717 --> 00:15:08,418
There are too many
words in the world.
390
00:15:08,473 --> 00:15:11,475
I don't think I will ever get
round to using the word 'wewe.'
391
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:13,145
Watched a health program.
392
00:15:13,198 --> 00:15:14,632
Wasn't watching it properly,
393
00:15:14,685 --> 00:15:16,385
But heard some doctor
say that we only get
394
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,441
So many heartbeats in a lifetime."
395
00:15:18,499 --> 00:15:20,300
"so don't do too much exercise."
396
00:15:20,355 --> 00:15:23,257
"I told Suzanne and she said I
probably hadn't heard it right."
397
00:15:23,326 --> 00:15:25,127
We got talking about death.
398
00:15:25,183 --> 00:15:26,817
Suzanne said she didn't
like thinking about it.
399
00:15:26,871 --> 00:15:29,406
I said she might
end up being a wewe."
400
00:15:32,711 --> 00:15:36,247
"I was chuffed, as I'd
managed to use my new word."
401
00:15:37,910 --> 00:15:40,311
I went to the supermarket
to get tonight's tea.
402
00:15:40,374 --> 00:15:42,541
On the way, I stopped
and looked in the fishmonger's
403
00:15:42,602 --> 00:15:45,437
At all the different fish
they had in the window."
404
00:15:45,505 --> 00:15:47,940
He's like a child, like in
one of those kids' TV shows.
405
00:15:48,003 --> 00:15:50,939
- I know!
- Mr. Pilkington went to the fishmonger.
406
00:15:51,008 --> 00:15:52,976
He stopped and looked
at all the fish in the window.
407
00:15:53,033 --> 00:15:55,067
"hello, Mr.
Dilkington," they said.
408
00:15:57,016 --> 00:15:58,517
"there was a newspaper clipping"
409
00:15:58,569 --> 00:16:00,871
Stuck on the glass
about a two-headed fish
410
00:16:00,933 --> 00:16:02,767
That they've made in Taiwan.
411
00:16:02,822 --> 00:16:04,757
I don't see
the point in doing this
412
00:16:04,814 --> 00:16:06,448
As a fish having two heads
ain't gonna solve
413
00:16:06,502 --> 00:16:08,303
The world's hunger problems,
as the head is the bit
414
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:09,994
You throw away.
415
00:16:10,047 --> 00:16:13,850
Invent a fish with two bodies
and I'd say 'well done.'"
416
00:16:13,929 --> 00:16:16,097
good point, isn't it?
417
00:16:16,157 --> 00:16:18,959
"Suzanne watched
one of her favorite TV programs."
418
00:16:19,026 --> 00:16:21,561
I've told her the telly only
goes on if there's something
419
00:16:21,626 --> 00:16:23,226
She wants to watch.
420
00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:24,947
If there's nothing on,
she has to talk to me
421
00:16:25,001 --> 00:16:26,602
About stuff I've learned...
422
00:16:26,656 --> 00:16:28,157
Like Descartes.
423
00:16:28,209 --> 00:16:30,043
Watched a program on him
the other day.
424
00:16:30,099 --> 00:16:32,233
He is the one
who said something like,
425
00:16:32,294 --> 00:16:34,495
I know I'm about,
'cause I dream.
426
00:16:34,555 --> 00:16:37,324
Doesn't work for everything,
'cause ants don't sleep."
427
00:16:40,969 --> 00:16:42,469
"I don't know if
I'd like that or not."
428
00:16:42,522 --> 00:16:44,523
You don't know if you would
like it if you didn't ever sleep?
429
00:16:44,581 --> 00:16:47,049
Not sleeping.
It's just one long day.
430
00:16:47,114 --> 00:16:49,748
I don't know... don't know
how you'd put up with that.
431
00:16:51,164 --> 00:16:52,831
- You think it'd be a good idea?
- No.
432
00:16:52,885 --> 00:16:55,287
Why not?
433
00:16:55,350 --> 00:16:57,184
Well, because as you said,
it would get a bit boring.
434
00:16:57,241 --> 00:16:58,908
You know, you'd...
sleep is your rest,
435
00:16:58,962 --> 00:17:00,396
Your time off.
436
00:17:00,447 --> 00:17:02,915
It... it helps you
detoxify,
437
00:17:02,979 --> 00:17:04,780
It helps you sort of, um,
438
00:17:04,836 --> 00:17:08,539
Think things through
on a subconscious level.
439
00:17:08,617 --> 00:17:10,418
- It... it... - but don't you
ever get it where... I mean,
440
00:17:10,473 --> 00:17:12,908
Sometimes it's brilliant to
have a sleep when you're tired.
441
00:17:12,971 --> 00:17:15,306
- But don't you sometimes feel
like... - yeah that's the best time
442
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,503
- To have a sleep... when you're
tired. - No, but sometimes
443
00:17:17,562 --> 00:17:20,030
When you go to bed and you're not
that tired and you're kinda think,
444
00:17:20,095 --> 00:17:23,397
"I'm gonna waste some of the hours of me life
now and I'm not really in the mood for this"...
445
00:17:23,470 --> 00:17:26,039
That's just wishing you had longer
on this earth doing creative things.
446
00:17:26,103 --> 00:17:28,371
I mean if you didn't have to
sleep, you could spend more time
447
00:17:28,432 --> 00:17:30,900
Talking to a tortoise
and going to the toffee shop.
448
00:17:34,374 --> 00:17:36,141
Well, it's that time again.
449
00:17:36,197 --> 00:17:38,898
- If you'd give us the jingle, please.
- Oh...
450
00:17:38,965 --> 00:17:40,432
Chimpanzee that!
451
00:17:40,484 --> 00:17:42,585
Monkey news!
452
00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:44,345
Monkey!
453
00:17:46,492 --> 00:17:49,328
Okay, now that surely cannot be
fair on anyone's ears listening.
454
00:17:53,346 --> 00:17:57,215
Right, um...
ages ago, right,
455
00:17:57,296 --> 00:17:59,130
About... about the 1950s...
456
00:17:59,186 --> 00:18:00,387
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
457
00:18:00,435 --> 00:18:02,002
...There was this
gangster knocking about.
458
00:18:02,056 --> 00:18:04,590
And you know how like...
459
00:18:04,655 --> 00:18:06,089
Was he called Harry fingers?
460
00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:08,374
Do you know how like
a lot of gangsters
461
00:18:08,436 --> 00:18:09,970
Like to get into
gambling and that?
462
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:12,190
Yeah. Yeah.
463
00:18:12,250 --> 00:18:14,218
And, uh, you know,
like all these...
464
00:18:14,275 --> 00:18:16,677
All these peers
and all these mates
465
00:18:16,740 --> 00:18:18,808
- Who were like gangsters and stuff...
- Mmm.
466
00:18:18,867 --> 00:18:21,702
...They've all bought
horses. Right?
467
00:18:21,770 --> 00:18:23,771
Like they took,
you know, took racing
468
00:18:23,829 --> 00:18:25,997
- And they make money from 'em and that, don't they?
- Yeah, mm.
469
00:18:26,057 --> 00:18:28,192
- So anyway, he was... - and chuckles
the seagull was no different.
470
00:18:28,251 --> 00:18:29,818
And... and he was like,
471
00:18:29,872 --> 00:18:31,172
"yeah that's, uh,
472
00:18:31,222 --> 00:18:32,723
That's a good
thing to get into.
473
00:18:32,775 --> 00:18:34,276
I might get
into a bit of that. Right?"
474
00:18:34,328 --> 00:18:36,396
So he gets himself
this horse, right?
475
00:18:36,454 --> 00:18:38,722
And it... there's a big race coming
up, that's why he's sort of...
476
00:18:38,783 --> 00:18:41,519
And the jockey turns up and it's fine.
477
00:18:41,586 --> 00:18:43,120
He's a human jockey
and it's fine.
478
00:18:43,172 --> 00:18:44,973
Excellent. Okay.
Well, that was another podcast.
479
00:18:45,029 --> 00:18:46,597
- So, anyway-
- um, please listen next...
480
00:18:46,649 --> 00:18:48,750
- Oh, hang on. There's more.
- Oh, go on.
481
00:18:48,809 --> 00:18:50,910
So anyway... so, uh,
this big race is coming up...
482
00:18:50,970 --> 00:18:53,071
- Yeah...
- He's like, "I've gotta be
483
00:18:53,130 --> 00:18:55,732
Involved in this because I can make
a lot of money out of me horse here."
484
00:18:55,797 --> 00:18:59,433
- Choose the jockey wisely then.
- So he says to his mate...
485
00:18:59,511 --> 00:19:01,345
He said, "look,
uh, I've got myself
486
00:19:01,401 --> 00:19:02,768
A horse and that."
487
00:19:02,820 --> 00:19:04,320
He said, "we just
need a jockey.
488
00:19:04,372 --> 00:19:06,473
Get someone, sort it out
so I can get in this race."
489
00:19:06,533 --> 00:19:09,034
- Go to the jockey club, there's loads of 'em.
- His mate's like,
490
00:19:09,098 --> 00:19:11,199
"yeah all right, I'll have a word
and that. I'll have a look around
491
00:19:11,259 --> 00:19:13,694
- And see if there's anyone decent."
- the good thing about jockeys
492
00:19:13,756 --> 00:19:16,692
Is there's been a shortage of jockeys
because a lot of them don't make the grade.
493
00:19:16,761 --> 00:19:18,462
So there's always too many
jockeys to go round.
494
00:19:18,517 --> 00:19:20,118
- Always too many human jockeys.
- Yeah.
495
00:19:20,171 --> 00:19:23,740
There's never a problem
getting jockeys. Go on.
496
00:19:23,817 --> 00:19:25,484
So anyway, right,
so his mate says,
497
00:19:25,538 --> 00:19:28,006
"look, I'm having
a problem getting a jockey."
498
00:19:28,070 --> 00:19:30,738
- Seems odd because Ricky's just
been saying... - well, that's weird!
499
00:19:30,804 --> 00:19:33,072
- He's just been saying there's not a problem.
- What do you mean?
500
00:19:33,134 --> 00:19:34,734
- So... - just because
the main problem was...
501
00:19:34,788 --> 00:19:37,289
- Go on.
- A lot of jockeys were aware of this gangster and were saying
502
00:19:37,354 --> 00:19:39,088
"I'm not getting
involved with this guy.
503
00:19:39,143 --> 00:19:41,311
The chances are,
I won't get paid.
504
00:19:41,370 --> 00:19:43,204
You know, he's a gangster.
It's not worth it."
505
00:19:43,261 --> 00:19:46,096
No, you would do it if it
was a gangster asking ya.
506
00:19:46,164 --> 00:19:48,466
You'd be scared
of the consequences.
507
00:19:48,527 --> 00:19:50,495
So anyway, he's saying
"look, don't be coming to me
508
00:19:50,553 --> 00:19:52,354
With problems
and that, right?
509
00:19:52,409 --> 00:19:54,610
I've got the horse. I want
it in the race. Sort it out."
510
00:19:54,671 --> 00:19:56,171
So they're like,
"oh, but boss..."
511
00:19:56,224 --> 00:19:57,757
And he's like,
"don't give me any of that."
512
00:19:57,811 --> 00:20:00,045
Exactly. They do what he says.
So, any jockey would do it.
513
00:20:00,106 --> 00:20:02,707
- Go on. - So anyway,
so the day before...
514
00:20:02,773 --> 00:20:03,873
The big race, yeah.
515
00:20:03,921 --> 00:20:05,855
Left it to last minute...
okay, but, fine.
516
00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:08,081
And, uh, he says,
"have you got a jockey then?"
517
00:20:08,141 --> 00:20:09,742
They're like, "yeah, but"...
and he's going,
518
00:20:09,795 --> 00:20:11,996
"don't worry about it. Have you
got a jockey?" "yeah, but..."
519
00:20:12,057 --> 00:20:14,191
He wants to say sure... yeah...
520
00:20:14,250 --> 00:20:17,052
So, uh, he's saying "has he
ridden horses before and that?"
521
00:20:17,154 --> 00:20:18,921
He said, "we yeah,
he has, but mainly"...
522
00:20:18,977 --> 00:20:20,511
And he's like, "brilliant."
and he goes, "yeah,
523
00:20:20,563 --> 00:20:22,464
But mainly in like a circus."
In the Jung...
524
00:20:22,521 --> 00:20:24,389
No, like in the...
in the circus and that.
525
00:20:24,445 --> 00:20:26,913
- He'd worked... he'd worked with
horses and stuff. - In the circus.
526
00:20:26,978 --> 00:20:28,945
- It's fine. - So he's like
that's... that's enough, that's...
527
00:20:29,003 --> 00:20:31,537
That's all I need to know.
He'd be too heavy,
528
00:20:31,602 --> 00:20:33,336
'cause circus people are
quite built, aren't they?
529
00:20:33,391 --> 00:20:34,925
They'd be a bit heavier
than the jockey
530
00:20:34,978 --> 00:20:36,878
'cause the jockeys are
about eight and a half stone.
531
00:20:36,936 --> 00:20:38,937
He said, "brilliant. Get him
down there and that, right?"
532
00:20:38,995 --> 00:20:40,763
Anyway, the race happens.
533
00:20:40,818 --> 00:20:42,285
He didn't wanna
meet him beforehand?
534
00:20:42,337 --> 00:20:44,372
No point. No bother.
As far as he's concerned...
535
00:20:44,430 --> 00:20:46,631
- It's all sorted.
- He's putting his money on it and what have you.
536
00:20:46,692 --> 00:20:48,259
What happened is they
were trying to make him
537
00:20:48,312 --> 00:20:50,847
- Put on the jockey outfit.
- Yeah.
538
00:20:50,912 --> 00:20:52,279
But for some reason,
it didn't fit that well.
539
00:20:52,329 --> 00:20:53,996
Sleeves too short, legs too long.
540
00:20:54,085 --> 00:20:55,919
- It's that sort of problem.
- Okay.
541
00:20:55,976 --> 00:20:57,743
So they let him like,
you know, wear his stuff
542
00:20:57,798 --> 00:20:59,566
That he wore
in the circus and that
543
00:20:59,621 --> 00:21:01,455
'cause it's... it's
comfortable and that.
544
00:21:01,512 --> 00:21:03,479
He's happy with it,
you know.
545
00:21:03,537 --> 00:21:05,905
Anyway, the race starts and what have you.
546
00:21:05,967 --> 00:21:09,370
Uh, this horse straight out of the
trap and that... high speed, right.
547
00:21:09,445 --> 00:21:11,246
This... this jockey's got
a really big grin on his face.
548
00:21:11,301 --> 00:21:13,335
He's loving it. Everyone's
cheering, going, "who's this?
549
00:21:13,394 --> 00:21:15,295
Who's this jockey?"
Yeah.
550
00:21:15,352 --> 00:21:17,653
"it's amazing. Never seen
him before, yet look at him."
551
00:21:17,716 --> 00:21:19,884
But they could see
his face clearly?
552
00:21:19,943 --> 00:21:21,877
Anyway, gangster's happy
and that 'cause he's...
553
00:21:21,935 --> 00:21:24,236
Thought you were gonna say the
crowd can see the jockey coming.
554
00:21:24,298 --> 00:21:26,533
- What? - The crowd
can... I mean, it's...
555
00:21:26,593 --> 00:21:28,527
- But he's so fast and what have you.
- It's a blur.
556
00:21:28,585 --> 00:21:30,619
- It's all a blur, really.
- He's really... he's good at it.
557
00:21:30,679 --> 00:21:32,713
I mean, apparently,
he was close to falling off
558
00:21:32,771 --> 00:21:34,605
And people were like,
"he's gone... he's a goner."
559
00:21:34,662 --> 00:21:38,098
He's got such a good reach that
he managed to grab hold of the...
560
00:21:38,173 --> 00:21:40,541
At the end of it,
you know, like the winner
561
00:21:40,603 --> 00:21:42,171
Sort of rides around
the crowd a bit.
562
00:21:42,223 --> 00:21:43,757
- Yeah.
- Sort of, you know,
563
00:21:43,810 --> 00:21:45,644
Show off and what have you.
Yeah.
564
00:21:45,701 --> 00:21:47,301
And all the women are there.
565
00:21:47,355 --> 00:21:49,489
And you know, like, women are
all dolled up at these events.
566
00:21:49,548 --> 00:21:52,083
- Sure.
- They've all got big hats on.
567
00:21:52,148 --> 00:21:54,416
Sometimes they've
got fruit on those hats.
568
00:21:54,477 --> 00:21:56,011
Yeah.
569
00:21:56,064 --> 00:21:57,531
Okay. Right.
570
00:21:57,583 --> 00:21:59,917
Yeah. Right.
571
00:22:02,140 --> 00:22:03,607
- Um, one of the women...
- oh my God!
572
00:22:03,660 --> 00:22:05,861
In the '50s particularly,
Carmen Miranda was very popular.
573
00:22:05,921 --> 00:22:07,655
- Yeah yeah.
- One of the women had like...
574
00:22:07,711 --> 00:22:09,645
Like you say, fruit
and what have you on her...
575
00:22:09,702 --> 00:22:11,403
And a little... little
Right.
576
00:22:11,457 --> 00:22:13,792
They're not real... they're
not real though, the hats.
577
00:22:13,854 --> 00:22:16,089
- It's not real fruit, is it?
- No, of course not.
578
00:22:16,150 --> 00:22:18,385
I thought they wore
those sort of at kind of Cuban...
579
00:22:18,445 --> 00:22:22,015
Yeah, but even... even
if it's like a big event,
580
00:22:22,091 --> 00:22:23,591
You know, you might have
a hat with fruit on it.
581
00:22:23,644 --> 00:22:25,211
It's sort of joke,
but it's fake fruit
582
00:22:25,264 --> 00:22:27,132
'cause it would...
it would perish...
583
00:22:27,188 --> 00:22:29,923
Well, this... this jockey didn't
understand that.
584
00:22:29,991 --> 00:22:32,759
He'd never seen false fruit.
585
00:22:32,827 --> 00:22:34,994
Why did the jockey
suddenly...
586
00:22:35,055 --> 00:22:37,022
- ...Why was he so desperate
for fruit? - I don't understand.
587
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:39,948
So anyway, so meanwhile, the gangster's
collecting his 500-quid winnings.
588
00:22:40,017 --> 00:22:41,584
- Right.
- He's over the moon.
589
00:22:41,637 --> 00:22:43,805
He kicks off 'cause of this
woman with the fruit.
590
00:22:43,865 --> 00:22:46,567
Yeah, I still don't
understand why the jockey would go...
591
00:22:46,634 --> 00:22:49,836
Everyone noticed.
Jockey... little monkey.
592
00:22:49,908 --> 00:22:53,377
Oh, that makes sense. If he was
a monkey, that would make sense.
593
00:22:53,453 --> 00:22:55,387
- Yeah. - What year was
this, 'cause I wanna...
594
00:22:55,444 --> 00:22:57,378
It was... it was 1950s
and that's where the saying
595
00:22:57,436 --> 00:22:59,470
Comes from about... you know
how like in cockney slang
596
00:22:59,529 --> 00:23:01,897
500 quid is a monkey?
597
00:23:01,959 --> 00:23:04,828
He... he sort of... you
know, he put a monkey on it.
598
00:23:04,896 --> 00:23:07,364
- And it all goes back to the
time when... - so this happened
599
00:23:07,428 --> 00:23:09,329
- In this... in the...
- in this country...
600
00:23:09,386 --> 00:23:11,387
So someone could
well still be alive
601
00:23:11,445 --> 00:23:13,513
- That we could easily contact
that... - well, that's it.
602
00:23:13,572 --> 00:23:15,807
We always, you know, there's no
time length on this monkey news
603
00:23:15,867 --> 00:23:17,401
If you've got any...
if it's history.
604
00:23:17,454 --> 00:23:19,389
- You know, if it goes back...
- or if it's made-up bullshit.
605
00:23:19,446 --> 00:23:21,814
- Just send it in.
- If it's absolutely bollocks,
606
00:23:21,876 --> 00:23:24,644
- Please send it in.
- And that's this week's monkey news.
607
00:23:24,694 --> 00:23:29,244
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