Original subtitles

Announcer: For the past few years ricky gervais,

Stephen merchant, and karl pilkington

Have been meeting regularly

For a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

( dings )

Hello and welcome to "the ricky gervais show"

With me, ricky gervais, stephen merchant...

Hello. -...And the little round-headed buffoon

That is karl pilkington.

Hi.

( theme music playing )

Karl, joe from bradford asks,

"what body parts can you live without? " he wants to know.

He's obviously having sleepless nights thinking about this.

- What, so-- - ( both groaning )

- The brain. - He's coped this far.

I did a bit of an experiment on this.

Brilliant.

It's my job at home to wash up.

Suzanne does-- - she gives you all the really big responsible ones.

She pays the bills and wires the house.

And you go, "what can I do?"

"well, you can go and play with the worms in the garden."

Yeah. - So anyway, it's my job to wash up and that.

And I thought to make it interesting and stuff--

I thought, "I wonder if I can do it

If I didn't have any thumbs."

( both laughing )

- And so what did you do? - So I just sort of--

You sliced off your thumbs.

I just sort of held them in,

And it's amazing how it took me ages

Just having that one thing gone.

Well, it's part of our evolution- the opposable thumb.

Basically, that's when we sought--

These are milestones in human evolution:

The opposable thumb,

The forward-facing eyes, the upright--

And one day, karl, you'll walk upright.

What do you mean about eyes facing forward?

You mean before we got here there was people

Whose eyes were looking in their head?

( both laughing )

So when you were doing this experiment, washing up,

You say that you found it difficult.

So you didn't just give up

Once you realized how essential thumbs were.

You actually washed up everything.

I just think of suzanne walking in and karl's there

Just covered in water and fairy liquid suds,

Standing on a pile of broken crockery.

Yeah, plunging his face into the sink every 30 seconds

And just swishing his head around.

( both laughing )

But we talked about the washing up thing before

When I look out of the window.

So the sink's in front of the window. - Yeah.

And that's why I quite like washing up

Because I can just look out onto the street, see people going past.

There's a local homeless fella called franco.

You know, I look out-- that he's all right and everything.

But I was looking across the way, right?

And there's some- there's some chinese people

Who live on-- in a flat, a really small flat.

And they're up till all hours.

- I don't know what they're doing. - ( stephen laughs )

But they decide to vac up

At about half 3:00 in the morning

And it was really noisy and that.

But above them there was some woman who--

The bedroom is on par

- To our kitchen. - Yeah.

- So I'm washing up... - Yeah.

...And I look across and see this woman

With no pants on and that,

No bra on and that.

Naked. - That's the word you're looking for.

Yeah yeah. She's just wandering about with nothing on.

So I was like, "oh, that's all right."

So I carried on washing up and that

And kept looking.

And then I was looking and she looked at me.

- So we made eye contact. - Stephen: Sure.

So I was like, "oh god."

So what I thought the best thing to do was--

Was sort of drop my pants a little bit...

( both laughing )

Just a little bit. I had boxer shorts on.

I thought if I just show a little bit of--

A little bit of ass cheek,

Then it's kind of like we're quits.

I don't understand the thinking.

So suzanne's watching the telly.

I think she's watching "sex and the city" or something.

She turns around to see how I'm getting on with the washing up.

She sees me with my pants down a little bit with my ass out.

She said, "what are you doing?"

I said, "don't look now,

But there's a woman over the road

With no pants on and that.

She caught me looking.

I'm just giving her a bit back."

( stephen, ricky laughing )

I love the fact that he explains the rules

And suzanne's gonna go, "okay. " - "that makes sense."

But I don't-- so hang on.

You showed a bit of your ass.

You turned presumably to show the ass.

I had to lift it up a little bit

On the draining board.

What-- hang on though.

What did she do? Did you register her reaction?

When she saw a bit of your ass, what happened?

- When she saw my ass? - Yeah.

Well, then I wasn't looking because I thought

In a way I don't want ito look like,

"well, I've seen a bit of your stuff. Here's a bit of mine."

Just thought, "at the end of the day I caught a glance of you."

- It's only fair. - "you've had a bit back."

- You know, I'm not-- - you see, I genuinely think

James stewart missed a trick here in "rear window." - yeah.

This would have been a much better film

Had james stewart just popped his pants down.

It would have given a whole new meaning to the title "rear window."

- Yeah, exactly. - It's tricky though.

I seem to be surrounded by people like that.

Remember that film? That "slither" or something. - Okay, right.

The one where they've got video cameras.

I'm just looking onto everybody's world

And just seeing what people are getting up to.

- There's nothing wrong with that. - Ricky: Brilliant.

That's why I like washing up.

( laughing )

We were talking about famous mantras

- And sayings and things. - Yeah.

"never has a manc said so much to so many that means so little."

Brilliant. - So you can have that on your headstone.

Stephen: Rupert-- - riy: Your little round headstone.

( chuckling )

Rupert's in the isle of man.

He says, "I don't know if you knew this, karl,

But apparently octopuses' testicles are located in their heads."

Yeah.

But then to me that isn't that amazing

Because at the end of the day an octopus--

Really, all it is is an head, isn't it?

So everything it's got has to be in the head? - It has to be in the head.

It'd look daft if it dangled down below.

- ( ricky laughing ) - karl: Right?

So all it is-- I mean, there's a lot of facts-- - stephen: Hang on.

It'd look daft it they dangled down below?

I'm wondering, but that could almost be the b side to...

( both ) b side to " I could eat a nob at night."

James round says, "karl, if you could be

Anyone in the world, who would it be?"

Uh...

Dead or alive?

Why would you choose to be a dead person?

No, but sometimes there's people who are now dead,

But everybody raves about them.

What I mean is-- - oh, just answer the question. Who would you be and why?

It's someone you admire or you think had a good life.

But what I mean is he's got to be remembered--

Like winston churchill is remembered as being a decent bloke,

But I wouldn't want the hassle that he had.

So I don't wanna live his life. - Right.

- But he's got to be- - - you'd like to be winston churchill,

But you'd like to have a paper round instead of... - ( glass shatters )

- Saving the world. - Yeah.

Well, that's what I mean.

But is he saying who uld I wanna- whose job would I take on?

- It's not that complicated. - The question is this:

"if he could be anyone in the world, who would karl be?"

That's the question. That's all the information I've got.

Whew, a lot of responsibility on a lot of jobs, isn't there?

Some of the names flowing through your head now?

Um, I was thinking bruce willis.

( cackling )

I never expected that. I never expected that.

So what-- so his responsibility in your mind is what?

Saving people who are trapped in a building with terrorists?

Well, yeah, maybe.

You know, his worries are different worries.

With people who have a lot of money

Come other worries.

- Yeah. - Do you know what I mean?

So bruce willis, he's always going on these marches,

Saying "stop war" and all that...

...Mainly because he's got--

He's got more to lose if there's a war.

He's got loads of houses. One of them's gonna get damaged.

Whereas if you're poor,you'.

If there's a war, it's like, "oh, just hand it off for me then.

I'm sick of it anyway."

- Do you know at I mean? - Whereas bruce-- yeah.

With successful life and happy life,

There's more for you to lose is what I'm saying. - Right.

Like, at the moment, because I've finished the job that's--

That I've been at for 10 years...

I've finished working there, so suddenly I've got--

My timetable's a bit out and I haven't got enough of a routine.

And I'm a man who likes to know what I'm doing. - Stephen: Yeah.

So now suddenly, I-- - 5 until 7: 00: Washing up with no thumbs.

I like-- I've sort of turned into an old person

Where the little jobs that you shouldn't enjoy are now the main event.

Hold on. How old are you?

- You're 31, aren't you? - 32.

32, and you're pottering around,

Not knowing what to do with yourself?

Well, like yesterday,

Suzanne's shoes needed to go to the cobbler's.

I haven't heard the word "cobbler's"--

I didn't even know cobblers still existed.

I only ever see that in christmas films made by disney.

Well, I had to go and do that and that suddenly--

'cause last time you were going to the toffee shop. - Yeah.

And w you're going to the cobbler's.

Next week it's the candlestick maker.

But all I mean is that suddenly is a nice little day out.

So I put my coat on, going, "right, I'm going to the cobbler now."

Tell me about the cobbler.

You didn't come back with three magic beans, did you?

No, the cobbler's- cobbler's all right.

He's-- you know, he's doing- he's fixing shoes and that.

He's cobbling. He's cobbling all day.

Have I told you about my uncle alf who was a cobbler?

No. - I'm sure I told you about him.

He's the one who...

He lived in a bedsit and he had two tellies.

He had one that-- that the sound didn't work on

And one that the picture didn't.

But both together, it worked.

So as long as he was watching the right- the same channel on both,

Sound came out of one tellie and he'd watch the pictu on the other.

Brilliant. - And he slept in a rubber dinghy.

- ( ricky cackling ) - karl: But he was--

Whoa, you can't just let that slide.

Why did he sleep in a rubber dinghy?

Heust liked boats and stuff and sort of--

Yeah, I like boats, but they're better on the water.

Beds are better to sleep on. Boats are better to sail on.

Well, he just had it in a- it's a bedsit.

- It was really tight spacing. - Boatsit.

- He's got this-- - he moved into a dinghysit.

He's got this dinghy so he's thinking,

"well, rather than it get in the way,

I might as well use it, right?"

But he was a-- he was a cobbler

And he used to repair my shoes and that, right? - Yeah.

But he'd always sort of overdo them.

( laughing ) what do you mean?

- Like, uh... - Fancy.

- Karl: Do you know "pimp my ride" on mtv? - Ricky: Yeah.

Because he does up shoes. He'd go mental on them. - What do you mean?

- Ricky: There was the stereo? - Karl: Well, no.

There was horns?

( imitates trumpets playing "la cucaracha" )

Stripes down the side.

Here comes mr. Pilkington. He's got the fastest shoes in the land.

No, he'd just make shoes that would last forever.

So instead of putting one sole on,

He'd put about five on.

So it looked like one of them built-up shoes

Thatou never see.

He'd just put loads of stuff- they'd last forever.

But they looked like orthopedic shoes.

Yeah yeah, just like the- suddenly I was 6'7"

Whenever he sorted my shoes out.

But he's a cobbler and it's work

That's always there for you, isn't it?

- I suppose so. - So you went out with--

To take suzanne's shoes to the cobbler.

Yeah, so that's it.

So I just took them to the cobbler's and that,

And that was a nice little job for the day.

I got a leaflet through the door saying,

"if you wanna a walk a dog,

You know, the- the rates are good."

I don't know what they pay and that

And I thought, "if I do that

And can get a paper round- two in one."

Sorry, you just went from a job, right,

Where you were the head of production

At a radio station,

Dare I say it, on-- can I discuss your--

- Well, it was all right wage. - It was very good.

- But I wasn't happy, so it's pointless. - No, I know that.

But to go from

The head of a department on a lot of money

To walking dogs and doing a paper round

Are-- I don't know--

But it's about being happy, isn't it?

I know, but-- that's commendable if that's true.

- But it-- okay. - That makes you happier?

Well, I haven't- I haven't walked the dog yet.

- Karl: But I'm just saying if I do- - - ( thunder rumbling )

I mean, I'm not taking it if it's raining.

I'm just thinking if it's a nice sunny day and I fancy a potter,

I'll go round to her and say, "well, how much are you paying?

I'll take the dog a walk. " - sure.

But I can't believe some of the words that have cropped up.

"potter," "cobblers, " "toffee shop."

It-- it's very very strange.

Do you live in narnia?

A lot of people are emailing in brainy stuff. - Brilliant.

I'm getting a lot of stuff about philosophy...

- Oh, yeah. - ...And all that.

Um, "discart"--

That's another one that's mentioned in an email.

Descartes, the french philosopher. - Yeah.

What was-- what's your question?

Well, he cropped up on an email.

Someone said, "what do you think of him?"

And I was like, "oh, I don't know."

He-- famously, he pondered his own existence.

Cogito ergo sum-- "I think, therefore I am."

He was thinking about- he was thinking,

"how do I know all this is true, everything around me?"

And he thought, "well, I can see it

And I can smell it and I can hear it."

And he went, "oh, yeah, my senses can be fooled. I could be dreaming.

But if I'm dreaming, then at least I'm alive.

At least I have some sort of consciousness.

So if I'm even thinking about anything, you know, I am.

I exist. I think, therefore I am.

Cogito ergo sum."

But we don't need to know the latin bit.

Why is everyone always going back to latin? It was ages ago.

( laughing )

Why is that language always being--

And were latin people always in a rush?

'cause there seems to be words for four sentences.

Why couldn't they just set up the time

- And say what they wanna say? - ( laughing )

- And it's just like what- - - I'd love you to teach that in--

What about plato?

- Ricky: Right, greek. - Karl: Right?

Now would you say he's a bright bloke? - Yes, I would.

I'd say he's a very very bright bloke.

Right, let me tell you this.

- If he's that bright- - you know how he got killed? - No.

Got hit on the head by an egg.

( laughing ) fuckin' hell!

Well, he's not so clever then, is he?

- That's what I'm saying. - Boo!

What's the story with the egg?

He was on holiday or something and...

- ( steven laughing) he was on holiday. - Ricky: In greece probably.

He was having a walk about

And a bird was flying over the--

This bird was what? A great ork?

What sized bird killed him with his egg?

- It was a big one, yeah. - Was it?

- And the way they used to-- - an ostrich on a hang-glider?

The way they used to crack the eggs open to let the kids out--

They used to drop them on rocks.

( laughing ) what bird is this?

Dropping its egg to let the kids out.

You're a maniac! You are a maniac!

And plato had a little bald head.

- Right. - So from the top,

The bird's there looking down and it goes,

"oh, there's a little rock. I'll drop the egg."

Hits him on the head. Killed him.

Now this is what I was saying before about--

Well, I'm letting too much go now

'cause I'm so desensitized to his nonsense.

I let him go, "the bird saw plato

And said there's a rock down there."

If these birds are killing people

With bald heads, you've gotta be terrified.

But listen, this is what I'm saying though.

Before, about knowledge and that--

How knowledge is hassle or success is hassle--

That's-- now I think

That was newton- "knowledge is hassle."

Now why-- but why has plato's intelligence

Got anything to do with the fact that this bird dropped--

Because he was intelligent

And he's probably earning a nice few quid

By giving out whatever messages he gave out,

He could afford to go on holiday to exotic places.

If he was working at a factory,

He wouldn't have been on this beach

With big birds dropping eggs is what I'm saying.

So in a way it backfired.

His knowledge killed him.

And that, I think, was kierkegaard--

"his knowledge killed him."

He shouldn't have been on the beach.

He was only there having a break or whatever from doing what he does.

It wouldn't have happened if he wasn't on holiday.

( both laughing )

This is an email we've had saying,

"karl, what do you take by the orwellian saying

'a stitch in time saves nine'?"

Oh, a stitch in time saves nine. Yeah.

See, it's another one that--

I don't think I've picked up on a lot of these sayings

That are being thrown about " willy-nillily."

- Willy-nillily. - Willy-nillilily.

- ( laughing ) - okay.

Willy-nillily.

No, but I-- again, it's one of them like-- like last week.

I've heard of it, but--

But what does "willy-nilly" mean?

It just sort of means, you know, "carefree."

That's right, yeah.

Okay, but what does "a stitch in time"--

So you understood "willy-nilly."

I mean, you used it- you said it "willy-nillily."

But you've sort of got the gist of it.

So what does "a stitch in time saves nine" mean? - I-- I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

Think about it. A stitch in time saves nine.

- Is it to do with sewing? - Well, yeah, sort of.

Uh, it's not that clear.

So if you've got a jacket... - Yeah.

...And the seam starts coming undone--

"oh, there's a little bit of seam. I'll leave it."

It's getting worse and worse. Soon your sleeve falls off.

So you just need one stitch there. That'd do it.

If you do it now- later you'll need nine stitches.

And that of course

Is an analogy to other things.

But it depends if you're busy at that point

Becae if you've got-- if you've got something else that needs doing,

That means that isn't being done 'cause you're messing about putting--

Sorting out a hole in your coat is what I mean.

You can't always do stuff straightaway.

So maybe-- I don't know.

I don't know if there's a middle ground

Where you don't have to do it straightaway.

- But stitching-- - a stitch sometime today--

Say in 15 or whatever,

Meaning you don't have to do it straightaway.

But just do it befe it gets really bad. - Brilliant.

Do you think yours is less poetic

Than "a stitch in time saves nine"?

So yours is-- this what you wanted to be a quote, right?

"well, you could do it now.

But if you're doing something else, then, uh...

You know, look, well-- well, don't do it immediately,

But do it soon so it doesn't get really bad."

- Karl pilkington. - No, but it's the same--

That's the same way I treat most things in life.

It's like I never go to the doctor's unless it's really--

That is sensible. That is very good advice. No--

That's brilliant advice for anyone listening.

- Never go to the doctor's. - Unless it's really bad.

But that's why a lot of people die,

Because they don't wanna bother the doctor

Or they're mildly embarrassed or they don't know symptoms.

Go to the doctor. If you're not sure what something--

Like you were terrified to go and have your prostate--

Still not been. Not doing it. - Why not?

I wish you wouldn't talk abouit

'cause now suzanne will listen to this and she'll go,

"yeah, you haven't been, " and start dragging it up again.

But why are you worried about a little--

A qualified doct-- - I don't know what they're doing up there.

- Well, they just put the-- - what year are we in?

They-- ( laughing )

What are you talking about? They put their finger up--

That's what I mean, though. - Why?

Why are they still using the index finger? - ( cackling )

What, you'd prefer the forefinger or the thumb,

- Would you? - Karl: No.

No, what I mean is we've got--

Or a thumb on a stick? Some kind of thumb on a stick?

Yeah, would you prefer it to be--

A mechanical thumb? A robot thumb?

Why isn't it just a little camera?

They put the camera up if they initially discover something.

But just put the camera up straightaway--

No, they don't need to.

They pop the finger up, feel that the prostate isn't swollen,

Wiggle it around a little bit up- up your back passage.

What are you worried about?

I don't think they need to do that.

Are you embarrassed about being in a room

With your trousers around your ankles, and a little fellow--

- A little bit. - Why?

And the other thing is it's not just that, it?

So you go in there. They check your heart out,

Which to me is the most important thing

'cause that's what keeps you going, isn't it?

- ( ricky laughs ) yeah. - You've gotta go there.

You're sat on the bus stressing out, thinking,

"o in less than half an hour

I'm gonna have a finger up my ass."

( cackling ) what is the problem though?

And you go in, they check your heart.

They probably check your testicles and that.

What's up with that? They check testicles, yeah.

Yeah, but it's all building and you've sat there going,

"oh, soon that will be happening."

Yeah. - And that's what puts me off.

So if they just came round when you're asleep,

Suzanne just let them in and goes, "he's over there."

And they crept up and went... ( squishy noise )... Bang.

You go, "what are you doing?"

I don't understand why they don't teach you how to do it yourself.

( cackling ) how can they- how can they teach--

Imagine you squatting in a corner

With one hand on your bullocks

And the other finger up the ass going,

"it seems to be all right."

Karl, you don't understand the phrase

"a stitch in time saves nine."

I don't think you should be doing any kind

Of invasive medical research in your own human body.

But-- but then-- - who knows what trouble you're gonna cause?

- No, but then-- - you would get stuck.

Suzanne would come out and your fist would be up your own ass.

( cackling )

Okay, I think it's probably time--

Let me just check my watch.

Yeah, it's monkey news time.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news, you--

- ( monkey gibbers ) - ( morse code beeping )

So this week, anyway, it's about--

It's more about tall buildings and stuff. - Oh, yeah.

There was this bloke who was a builder. - Oh, yeah.

And you know what builders are like.

They sort of move about, don't they, from--

From building to building, just building.

Well, yeah, once they built it, the building's done

- And they move on to build some more. - Just building, yeah.

So he goes to his next job and that. - The builder?

- The builder. - Yep.

He goes to like the--

The boss of this building who's building it.

( laughter ) - stephen: All right. Okay, yeah.

And he says what unto him?

"do you need anything building?"

- ( ricky cackling ) - stephen: Okay.

So anyway, so he says, "yeah yeah,

There's plenty of work and that going about."

He says, "we're working on this one here."

He said, "get going on it.

Like, there's your bricks and your cement and stuff. Get on with it."

Karl: So the-- - ricky: "any plans?" "eh... Just build."

- Stephen: Just start building, yeah. - Ricky: "go up."

They're getting on with it and stuff. It's all going well.

But he notices that there's someone working

High up on the top bit.

So anyway, he's saying the other workers--

He's going, "what's- who's that up there?

He's working on his own."

"a little fellow, was he?"

"the little hairy fellow up there?"

E's the little fellow up there with the hard hat."

And the other fellows are going, "look, you know, don't ask questions.

The boss decides who he takes on.

We're happy to be getting paid here."

"don't ask questions." "well, I'll see him when he comes down."

So he said, "it's pretty impressive, the work rate he's doing,

The way he's getting from one girder to the other."

He's swinging, is he?

"he doesn't seem to be scared of the heights."

He said, "no, just let him get on with it.

We work well as a team."

- Karl: So anyway-- - ricky: What nonsense is this?

He believes all this?

So he sees the boss and he goes,

"who's the fellow up there? He's pretty good."

And he's like, "look, just get on with the job, yeah?

I'll pay you. Let's just all get on with our jobs."

Lunchtime comes. They're all sat there, having their sandwiches.

He's thinking, " he'll come down in a bit."

- He's just carrying on. - Stephen: Is he?

Still going and that, right?

So the fellow says to the boss man, he says,

"isn't that fellow up there

Gonna come down and join us for lunch?"

He said, "like I said, mate,

Don't worry about him, right?"

He's very secretive. I'm suspicious about this fellow.

I don't know why he's working through his lunch,

Why he's swinging from girder to girder.

It's weird. Go on.

So he said, "oh, anyway, you've reminded me that he's up there."

He said, "he's doing a lot of riveting and stuff up there.

He probably needs some more nuts to--"

Right, sure. And what kind of nutss that?

Is that nuts to food or--

So he said-- well, nuts.

He said, "yeah, there's a bagful of them there.

Just put them on the hook, send them up,

And he can get on with his job."

So anyway, he picks these nuts up, right?

Just hooks them on. They're not that heavy, considering--

Normally they're pretty heavy, aren't they?

The big bolts and stuff.

So anyway, he has a little glance in.

- Oh, now what's in there? - Nuts.

What, you mean nuts that you can eat?

Nuts that you can eat.

So they send the bag up and he's thinking,

"what's all that about?"

He checks him out, starts to stare.

It works out he can see that it's a little chimp running about.

So he goes, "I'm not happy with this." - why isn't he?

Because he's working for an organization that's--

There's unions for this sort of stuff.

( laughing ) yeah, he's not going, "that's amazing.

They've got a chimp riveting this building together."

Yeah, that's not scary.

He's worrying if they're breaking union rules.

So he goes-- - you have talked some shit now.

He goes to the boss and he goes,

"I've worked out what you're playing right here."

Is the boss sitting in a tire?

So he goes, "look, we're just all trying to earn a living here."

He said, "don't get involved in it.

I'm happy to pay you, but I'm paying him.

- Don't interfere." - ricky: He's paying him?

And he's saying, "I'm just not happy with this. It's not allowed."

So the boss was saying-- - ricky: "we pay peanuts, we get monkeys."

He said, "to be honest, mate,

You know, he's a great worker.

He's known for doing what he does.

He's a good grafter.

If one of you is gonna go... " "right."

"I'm afraid I'll have to let you go 'cause..."

- Stephen: Blimey. - Karl: "...He's been here longer."

- He was made-- - none of that happened.

- He was laid off. - None of that happened.

He was laid off and that.

And that's where that saying about

There's a lot of tower blocks and that in america.

It's like-- a chimp off the old block is where--

( laughing )

So that's monkey news.

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