All language subtitles for The Real ONeals s02e01 The Real Thang.eng

Kenny: So, after an
exciting year of coming out

and my parents announcing their divorce,

the O'Neals were taking it easy.

Instead of having the big gay summer

I'd always dreamed of,

I watched one on TV.

You know we could've actually
gone to the Gay Pride Parade.

Yeah, I'm just
gonna come out and say it.

I prefer a hairless chest.

Together: Mm-hmm.

My mom had sort of come
around to the idea of me being gay,

but we still had a ways to go.

Oh, Kenny, you know I enjoy a good float

as much as the next person,

but why all the booty
shorts and nipples?

Can't you just tell the
others to tone it down a bit?

Sure thing.

We all know each other,

so I'm just gonna hop
on the rainbow Bat-phone

and call everyone.

Thanks!

I do it all night long

- Do it, do it
- [Telephone rings]

- Hello?
- Hey, Lance.

My mom needs everyone to tone it down.

I'm on it.

Yell-o.

Hey, Jane. It's Lance.

Kenny's mom says we
need to smother the flame.

Copy that, Lancelot.

- Hello?
- Hey, haircut, tamp it down.

- Eileen again?
- We're reining in the unicorn.

- Tell everybody.
- That'll take forever.

I know somebody who can
reach the whole gang at once.

Hello?

Ru, we need you.

It's our friend in Chicago.

Dialing down the gay. Got it.

I like to do it for you

- I like to break it down
- [Powering down]

Damn.

Rihanna is fine.

Oh, child.

[Powering up]

What was that?

Ru?

With summer over and
school beginning again,

life returned to,

well, as normal as it
could for my family.

[Door closes]

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

All right, I won't beat around the bush.

I got asked to be a super
model in a fashion show!

Is the person who asked you, you?

And is the show right now?

No, I was at the mall, and
the assistant manager

of a very mid-end
women's boutique approached me.

The show is in two
days. I have to practice.

Mm-hmm. Sashay.

Good God. Are you still cooking

all that meat you bought
at the store this summer?

You weren't fooling around.

Of course I wasn't.

I never fool around.

Especially not with meat. [Chuckles]

It's summer, of all seasons.

Eileen, I am your almost ex-husband's
brother's ex-wife.

- You can tell me anything.
- All right, fine.

You remember how I made out
with the kids' Vice Principal

at the end of the year and
felt incredible shame?

Yes.

Well, apparently,

that shame wasn't enough to
keep me from meeting him

in the meat aisle of Watsons Market

every Tuesday this summer.

- [Bell dings]
- Oh, Look at that. Flank steak.

I marinate mine in soy sauce.

Oh?

- [Bell dings]
- Veal chops?

They're better with the bone in.

[Bell dings]

[Bell dings continuously]

But that is over and done with.

I have told him this is
just a summer "thang."

And as soon as I
finish cooking this meat,

he will be completely out of my system.

Well, your secret is safe with me.

Model's honor.

Oh...

Oh, my God, I'm so late!

- Oh, take a pork chop! Oh.
- [Door shuts]

Okay, okay, okay!

I'm excited, 'cause
today is the first day

of my new health regimen.

So I got my little Fitbit
thingy all hooked up,

- and man, does that look good.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, Fitbit, how many steps to
work off breakfast pork chops?

- Uh, Dad...
- Shh. This is precious.

Fitbit?

I don't think I set this thing up right.

Fitbit?

Okay. So, I have an announcement.

You're also afraid of birds?

What? No.

In honor of tomorrow being
National Coming Out day,

I wanted to do something
to welcome the other gay kids

at our school who are going to come out.

Blam! [Laughs]

- Is that a foot?
- I'm so sorry.

Hate to break it to you, Kenny,

but after Clearly Gay
Stuart transferred,

I think you're the lone gay wolf.

That is not so.

Studies have shown that 3.8%
of all people are gay.

So, if there are 460
kids at St. Barklay's,

that means that 17.5 of them are gay.

[Scoffs] Can someone
be... point-five gay?

I prefer sparkling
water, so... probably.

Kenny, those numbers might be right

at Fire Island High
School, but not at St. Barklay's.

No, Mom, they're...
they're true everywhere.

That's why it's called a statistic.

Even if your so-called math is correct,

I still say keep your socks
and your secrets to yourself.

Okay, you know what?

If you guys don't understand
why Coming Out Day is so important,

then I'm obviously gonna have
to do more than just wear socks.

You know what?

I'm gonna start an LGBT club at school.

If I build it, they will come out!

Nice! "Field of Dreams."

- Hey.
- What is... I've never heard of that.

I love it, Kenny.

I'm all for starting an LGBT club.

Well, that's excellent. Thank you.

Yeah, the only hiccup is

I just gave your sister's
sewing club the last available space.

But I can move you to the...

boiler room.

Yeah, I wonder how that's
gonna look, you know?

"Vice Principal keeps gays underground."

Uh...

I will move Shannon to the boiler room.

Thank you.

Oh, um, by the way, how's
your family doing?

More specifically, your mother?

Um, you and my mom
[clears throat] at prom,

that was like a... that was
like a one-time thing, right?

A thing, a "thang."

[Laughs]

Either way, my phone's not ringing, see?

[Laughs] Wait, is it on?

Maybe that's been the...

Nope. It's on.

I thought for a second it
wasn't on, but it's on.

- [Sizzling]
- [Cellphone buzzes]

[Scoffs] Seriously?

[Laughs] Oh, my...

Clive wants me to personally deliver

the kids' vaccination records to him.

Which is obviously
today's pathetic excuse to see me.

Are you sure there's
not a small part of you

that actually likes Clive?

What? No.

How could I like a man who
lives with his mother

and wears bike shorts to run errands?

Can't get over that
Hootie and the Blowfish broke up.

When you call the rest
of your band "Blowfish,"

there's gonna be resentment, Mr. Rucker.

[Knock on door]

Entrez-vous.

[Gasps]

Oh, uh...

Mr. O'Neal!

Hello. Eileen sent me down
with the kids' vaccination records.

I actually didn't even know
our kids were vaccinated,

so it's good news.

Um, I can come back if I'm interrupting.

No! Nope. Not interrupting.

Um, this is something I always do

for parents who bring in documents.

You always do a floor picnic?

Yeah.

Yes. Yeah.

Hmm.

[School bell rings]

Hey, uh, your LGBT club

pushed my sewing
club to the boiler room.

I know, and I'm sorry about that,

but my club is important.

Look, I even have a question box

if there are things people
are afraid to ask.

Well, here's a question...

Why do you think you're better than me?

Well, I really prefer the questions
to be written down.

And also, your club is not real.

You know, you're
shortening uniform skirts for cash.

You're basically running a sweat shop.

- I am not.
- Sorry, Shannon.

I'm a little behind on my quota,

but it's really hot in the boiler room

and thgirls are asking for water.

No, Claire. Water leads
to bathroom breaks!

Hey, okay, so, my
college counselor seems to think

that I need to be in a club,

and I was thinking I
could just jump into yours.

Well, I've checked out a
bunch of different clubs.

Turns out physics is just
a code word for science.

Okay, look, guys, I'm sorry,
but my club is about more than

looking good on a college application
or making money.

It's a club for me and
others like me started by me.

So, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go inspire
others to be more like me.

You have nimble fingers and
a hearty constitution.

You could be in my sewing club.

[Scoffs] No, thank you.

Sewing is for fa-a-a ...brics.

Yep, maybe I do need to
be in Kenny's club.

You know, it's nice to
picnic with somebody.

Haven't done this since my divorce.

Picnics were kind of my go-to move.

Oh. Yeah. Oh, I know what you mean.

I mean, not about
picnics, because I'm a man, but...

I'm actually getting a divorce, as well.

I think I heard that in
the teachers' lounge.

Not that I gossip. I
heard it from Mrs. Chavez.

She's a drunk and
she's losing her house.

Oh.

Yeah, it's been tough,
though, I mean, uh...

been trying to figure
out how to be single again

after all these years.

Even bought this fitness tracker

because I thought it would
help get me in shape.

[Scoffs] All it's
been is a guilt bracelet.

$99 down the crapper!

[Laughs] All right.

You know what we should
do is link them together

so we know how much we're
each not walking.

[Laughter] Yeah, that's right.

Oh, another gherkin, Pat?

Oh, I can never say no to
a little pickle, Clive.

It's 3:29.

In one minute, the doors will open

and the gay kids of St.
Barklay's will stream in.

Will they thank me? Yes.

Will they carry me on their shoulders?

Of course. I'm super light,
and I've done a lot for them.

Talk to me, baby

I'm going after this sweet,
sweet craving, whoa-oh

Let's lose our
minds and go crazy, crazy

I-I-I-I-I-I keep on hoping
we'll eat cake by the ocean

Hi.

I'm Allison.

You've probably never noticed me before.

I wear a lot of brown and blend in,

especially in the
classrooms with all the wood.

Unless it's an ash or
a blond pine or an oak

or cedar, which is
reddish, or black walnut.

Or ip?.

Well, I am...

I'm so... so happy that you are here.

[Laughs]

But you didn't happen to bring any like,

slightly, uh, more enthusiastic
friends [laughs] did you?

Al... Allison?

Oh, my, you really do blend in.

Are the questions anonymous?

Um, I mean, it's just you and me,

so, [laughs] so... so no.

Jodi: Hi, hi!

Eileen: Mm.

This is it.

It's the final piece of shame-meat.

Mm-hmm.

Once I eat this,

I will be completely free of VP Murray.

I just have to wait for
some space in my body to open up.

Okay, well, while you digest,

let's look at what I'll be wearing

in the Chicagoland Fall Fashion Show!

Wait.

I want you to share this with me.

- [Gasps]
- [Sighs]

- I did it.
- [Doorbell rings]

Mm.

I feel like VP Murray never happened.

[Laughs]

Eileen!

What are you doing here?

I ate all the meat. You're gone.

I had no idea this was your house.

I assumed, as any rational person would,

that divorced people
no longer cohabitate.

Then what are you doing here?

There's my Fitbit buddy!

[Laughs]

Wonder Twins activate!

[Both laugh]

I can't believe nobody
has joined my LGBT club yet.

I joined.

This is the most important
club at St. Barklay's.

We need to make gays more visible!

No, Claire, 27 girls.

No, no, no, Shannon,

you are not getting this classroom.

We are doing real work here.

Not enslaving underclassmen
for some money-making scheme.

It's... It's all right, Kenny.

It's my fault.

You were saying?

I have an opportunity

to be the voice of an entire
generation of gay kids, Shannon.

If not me, who? If not now, when?

Fine, but I was talking to
the inter-club council,

and you may be interested to know

it takes five members to
make an official club.

And you only have two.

Plus Jimmy. That's three.

Whoa, why, really?

I'm in? [Gasping]

Yes, queen.

I can do that now that
I'm in the club, right?

No.

No. I am fascinated by your culture.

You're on borrowed time, brothers.

Tick-tock.

So, listen.

We'll see how this bike ride goes,

but just so you know,

I have been sitting on a little Groupon

for go-kart racing for months.

Is that something you'd be into?

Hellz yeah!

If they rent helmets. [Chuckles]

Um... [Clears throat]

So, uh, I live with my mother.

And apparently you
still live with your wife

that you're divorcing.

Let's dig into that.

Well, there's not much to it.

I can't really afford to
leave right now, anyway.

Plus, it's good for the kids.

Yeah, no, totes.

Totes-magotes.

So, how would it
work, say, if one of you...

Her more specifically...

Wanted to date somebody, hypothetically?

Listen, it's not my problem anymore.

That's the poor guy who
dates Eileen's problem.

[Laughs]

Whoa!

Oh, nerts.

Why don't you go wash up inside?

Hey, no need, bro.

Let's do this.

Oh.

- Well...
- Slippery little snapper.

You know what? I am just
gonna go wash up inside. Yeah.

Okay.

[Door closes]

May I use the facilities?

I know you're using
Pat to get closer to me.

It's not gonna work.

I'm not smart enough to pull that off.

Your rejection was quite clear.

Pat invited me over.

Yeah, right.

You think you can just come over here

in those form-fitting bike shorts

and your greasy hands

and that part in your
hair that stays perfect,

even though you've been
wearing that stupid helmet all day

and tell me you're not here to see me?

Oh, I will have you know...

No, woman!

You had many chances to choose me.

You made your bed,

which it seems I'll never be seeing

because, as I'll remind you,

what we had was just a "summer thang."

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a light to moderate bike ride

to take with my new friend, Pat.

[Gasps]

[Exhales]

I can't believe I didn't
get one person to come out

on National Coming Out Day.

I mean if I can come out to my mom

and live to tell the
tale, why can't everyone?

I love yo-yos.

Okay, Allison, this is important.

Maybe it's not that easy.

I haven't come out to my parents.

Wait, you haven't?

Then... then it's you!

You're the one that's going
to come out to your parents

on National Coming Out Day.

- Today!
- Oh, I'm not sure.

We always go to Granny
Apples on Tuesdays.

- It's taco night.
- Oh, come on.

Allison, be the catalyst that
busts open the closet door

and frees the chains of gay oppression

here at St. Barklay's and beyond!

Pick up my torch. Carry on my legacy.

Be this year's Kenny O'Neal!

That's a high-five. Kenny O'Neal!

[Sighs]

[Door closes]

Well, I guess I'm not gonna be

the next Tyra Banks after all.

Apparently, Tip Tops is
a line for larger gals.

Do I want to march down a
runway and announce to the world,

"Hey, I'm plus-size!"

Absolutely not.

Really? You've always been so
comfortable in your own skin.

You never worried about what
other people thought.

I've always admired that about you.

Good.

I wish I could say the same.

Okay.

I'll make you a deal.

I'll do the modeling gig

if you go out with VP
Murray on a real date.

And why would I do that?

Because it's National Coming Out Day.

And if I can come out as
somebody who's plus-size,

you can come out as somebody
who's got a crush

on a thin man in Lycra.

Couple of dudes taking a ride.

Of all the fabrics in all the world,

he had to wear that one.

I'm telling you, Allison
coming out to her parents

is exactly the spark our
club needs to get kids to join.

Well, I hope so.

Otherwise I don't know who's
gonna answer all my questions.

Are you gonna give up yet?

I'm hearing my girls will unionize

if I don't provide light and air.

Sorry to disappoint,

but my club is actually coming together.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

What... That was one of my questions...

"How long did it take to build Rome?"

What... this is? What is this?

"What do you do when you want
to come out to your parents,

but you're worried they're
going to kick you out

because they've said things like

'If you're gay, we'll kick you out'?"

[Laughs] I didn't write this.

- Did I?
- No.

Allison must have.

[Sighs] I had no idea.

Wow. That's rough.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.

The one member of my club, and
I gave her dangerous advice.

How did I get so carried away?

Probably when you started
calling yourself Gay Moses.

Yep, that was the moment.

You guys, we have to stop her.

Jimmy!

Well, I guess I'll never know

what "Lost" was really all about.

Um, so, thank you for texting me

that we might be a
multi-seasonal thang.

Well, I thought we should see

if there's more to this
relationship than meat.

[Laughs]

I hope you don't mind
that we're just driving around

and not going
anywhere, you know... public.

This is perfect.

Would you be opposed to a little Hootie?

- Very.
- Oh.

- [Police siren wailing]
- Dad, go!

- Step on it!
- Faster! We have to stop her!

- She can't come out to her parents!
- Hurry!

Guys, I'm doing 80 in a school zone!

A third grader just flipped me off.

Okay, well, then, um... just pretend

that she's going to get
the last order of nachos

if she gets there first.

Never.

Here's a question I
have been dying to ask.

- Hmm?
- Do you like water parks?

I think they're cesspools of poverty.

But go on.

- [Siren chirps]
- Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Oh, my God, it's Pat.

He's coming for us! Stay calm!

- Stay calm!
- Clive! Pull over! Pull over!

If I don't make it, tell
Mother I always hated her!

Never tell Mother what I said.

[Tires screech]

Jimmy: There she is.

- Come on, Kenny!
- I'm going, going, going...

- Come on!
- I'm going!

Allison, you forgot your homework.

I'll meet you guys inside.

Get me the usual?

Broccoli with a side of rice.

Broccoli, on taco night?

Oh, Allison.

I know. I'm bland and ordinary.

But I guess that all changes after
I go inside and tell them.

Don't.

Or... Or... Or do.

I just...

It was wrong of me to force you

to come out to your
parents before you were ready.

That's... That's not my call to make.

But you were right. It's
important for the club.

No, uh... it was important for me.

I got caught up in my experience

and how now that I'm out,

everyone else should be, too.

But my journey is not yours.

You have to come out when it's... safe

and right for you.

You're not disappointed in me?

No.

You know, I guess it's okay that

nobody came out on National
Coming Out Day.

There are other days.

That's not true. I came out to you.

Really?

I was the first person you came out to?

Yeah.

Your club inspired me. And those socks.

Allison, you're not
wearing all brown! [Laughs]

You should roll up that other pant leg,

show 'em off a little bit.

I'm gay, not a whore.

Are you sassy, Allison?

You have no idea.

When I wake up in the morning

I see nothing

So National Coming Out Day
wasn't as big as I expected.

But I guess we all have
to come out in our own way.

And when I sleep in
the evening, oh Lord

There she goes

Only in dreams

She's only in dreams

You can come out to just one person...

Or you can come out to the world.

- [Cheers and applause]
- But however you do it,

just make sure you support each other.

Hey, girl!

- Whoo!
- Yeah!

[Cheering continues]

Well, we may not be an official club,

but at least we have a banner.

- I'm so excited.
- Are you?

Hey, Shannon, thanks for
letting us share the room.

Just because I watch my bottom line

doesn't mean I don't have a heart.

All right, ladies, the
gay banner ate up 30 minutes.

I wouldn't plan on being
home for dinner.