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1
00:00:03,387 --> 00:00:05,755
Daddy, are you sure George doesn't mind
2
00:00:05,823 --> 00:00:08,524
us selling off his material possessions?
3
00:00:08,592 --> 00:00:11,160
Well, this is garage stuff.
Georgie will never miss it.
4
00:00:11,228 --> 00:00:13,796
- Georgie won't miss what?
- Georgie, I need to talk to you
5
00:00:13,864 --> 00:00:16,999
about an exciting
moneymaking "skenario."
6
00:00:17,067 --> 00:00:18,769
No.
7
00:00:19,837 --> 00:00:23,806
Junior has a booth at the swap meet,
a stellar location.
8
00:00:23,874 --> 00:00:27,110
Right between the Gucci knockoffs
and the furry tiger blankets.
9
00:00:28,912 --> 00:00:30,780
Now we're just collecting inventory.
10
00:00:30,848 --> 00:00:35,251
It's for a worthy cause, Georgie.
Junior needs some invisaligns.
11
00:00:35,319 --> 00:00:39,355
I've got a slight underbite.
It's impeding my confidence.
12
00:00:41,158 --> 00:00:43,526
Okay, fine. Take what
you want from the garage,
13
00:00:43,594 --> 00:00:45,061
but, guys, listen.
Nothing from the house, okay?
14
00:00:45,129 --> 00:00:49,766
- Got it.
- And don't strip my Porsche for parts.
15
00:00:49,833 --> 00:00:52,769
1x09 - School's Out[groovy rock music]
16
00:00:52,836 --> 00:00:54,837
'Sup, fool?
17
00:00:54,905 --> 00:00:57,574
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
18
00:00:57,941 --> 00:01:00,843
[badly playing "Smoke on the water"]
19
00:01:05,249 --> 00:01:08,284
[laughs]
20
00:01:08,352 --> 00:01:12,321
You are still trying to play...
what is that song?
21
00:01:12,389 --> 00:01:13,823
"Smoke on the water,"
I just learned this part right here.
22
00:01:13,891 --> 00:01:15,725
[plays high notes]
23
00:01:17,294 --> 00:01:19,695
The midlife crisis just marches on.
24
00:01:21,265 --> 00:01:24,767
I have great news, I finally found
the perfect middle school for Harper.
25
00:01:24,835 --> 00:01:28,304
Look.
The Mind Academy.
26
00:01:28,372 --> 00:01:33,009
[chuckles] You want Harper running
around L.A. in a t-shirt that says
27
00:01:33,076 --> 00:01:34,377
- "the Mind Academy"?
- Yeah.
28
00:01:34,444 --> 00:01:38,347
How about "kick my ass.
The line starts here"?
29
00:01:38,415 --> 00:01:43,119
George, 72% of their students
end up in Ivy league colleges.
30
00:01:43,187 --> 00:01:47,190
Yeah, I'm sure, okay, and 100% of
them end up entitled, spoiled brats.
31
00:01:47,257 --> 00:01:52,361
"For my 16th birthday, I want a
boob job, a beemer, a gold card."
32
00:01:52,429 --> 00:01:53,996
Send him to St. Theresa's.
33
00:01:54,064 --> 00:01:56,365
The nuns will beat
the knowledge into him.
34
00:01:56,433 --> 00:01:58,534
Mom, the nuns don't hit anymore.
35
00:01:58,602 --> 00:02:02,672
Then get me my belt, and I'll
homeschool the little bastard.
36
00:02:02,739 --> 00:02:06,209
Touch my child, and I'll
run over you with my car.
37
00:02:06,276 --> 00:02:09,245
You mean the car
that my son paid for?
38
00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:13,382
Look, I'm not gonna write
a check to turn Harper
39
00:02:13,450 --> 00:02:15,651
into one of those kids I
always wanted to beat up.
40
00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:18,621
- Fine, you're his father, and I respect that.
- Thank you.
41
00:02:18,689 --> 00:02:21,257
- We have an interview tomorrow.
- What?
42
00:02:21,325 --> 00:02:23,993
You don't have to say
anything. Just show up.
43
00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:26,062
This school is big on diversity.
44
00:02:26,129 --> 00:02:29,065
Oh, diversity, I get it.
There you go.
45
00:02:29,132 --> 00:02:31,133
So you want to play up
Harper's Mexican side
46
00:02:31,201 --> 00:02:33,936
to get him accepted into a school
that's gonna turn him more lily-white.
47
00:02:34,004 --> 00:02:36,405
The appointment's at 11:00.
Just show up and look Mexican.
48
00:02:38,108 --> 00:02:40,409
- And be on time.
- Well, which one do you want?
49
00:02:40,477 --> 00:02:41,744
You want me to be Mexican
or be on time?
50
00:02:41,812 --> 00:02:45,582
'Cause they usually don't
come in the same package.
51
00:02:46,149 --> 00:02:49,719
Why don't you just cut off
your palo and hand it to her?
52
00:02:49,786 --> 00:02:51,454
Why don't you cut off
your palo and deep-fry it?
53
00:02:51,521 --> 00:02:53,122
You deep-fry everything else.
54
00:02:53,190 --> 00:02:55,725
Go back in there. Why you got
to be listening to my life?
55
00:02:58,629 --> 00:03:00,930
You want to educate
that little half-breed?
56
00:03:00,998 --> 00:03:04,901
Drop him downtown at the bus station
with no money. He'll learn.
57
00:03:04,968 --> 00:03:07,236
Right, or as you
called it, kindergarten.
58
00:03:07,304 --> 00:03:08,704
You know, I always
wondered why my snack buddy
59
00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:12,141
was a 80-year-old
wino, never shared.
60
00:03:12,209 --> 00:03:16,078
That white whore twists you
around her finger like a rosary!
61
00:03:16,146 --> 00:03:18,915
You know, you got no
say in my life, old lady,
62
00:03:18,982 --> 00:03:21,951
and another thing, my son
will never go to that school.
63
00:03:22,019 --> 00:03:24,320
Then why are you going to the meeting?
64
00:03:24,388 --> 00:03:26,455
Because... you...
65
00:03:26,523 --> 00:03:28,824
because even though
we're divorced, okay,
66
00:03:28,892 --> 00:03:31,661
we're trying to do something
called "co-parenting,"
67
00:03:31,728 --> 00:03:35,564
where you provide a linear playing field
for a child's formative years
68
00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:40,002
so that there's a
structure to the mayhem.
69
00:03:42,205 --> 00:03:46,776
Until you get your huevos back
from Mackenzie, here, use these.
70
00:03:46,843 --> 00:03:49,679
No, better, these.
71
00:03:57,387 --> 00:04:00,323
All right, so how diverse
do you want me to be?
72
00:04:00,390 --> 00:04:02,091
Do you want me to be
like Antonio Banderas?
73
00:04:02,159 --> 00:04:06,495
[as Antonio Banderas]
I love this school for my son.
74
00:04:06,563 --> 00:04:08,064
Or do you want me to be like Cheech?
75
00:04:08,131 --> 00:04:09,966
[as Cheech Marin] I wanna try
to get my kid into this school.
76
00:04:10,033 --> 00:04:11,667
[mumbling]
77
00:04:11,735 --> 00:04:15,471
George, our son's future is
dependent upon this interview.
78
00:04:15,539 --> 00:04:17,940
Okay, well, then, you can
never go wrong with this voice.
79
00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:23,179
Hello. I understand the
curriculum here is exemplary.
80
00:04:23,246 --> 00:04:25,281
Two thumbs up, by gum!
81
00:04:27,317 --> 00:04:29,018
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Lopez.
82
00:04:29,086 --> 00:04:30,086
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
83
00:04:30,153 --> 00:04:31,520
- We're divorced.
- But on good terms.
84
00:04:31,588 --> 00:04:33,155
No... not really.
85
00:04:33,223 --> 00:04:39,362
- Okay, right this way.
- After you, darling.
86
00:04:39,429 --> 00:04:42,598
I'm Kimberly Sloan,
the headmistress. Please.
87
00:04:42,666 --> 00:04:48,337
We were very excited to
receive Domingo's application.
88
00:04:48,405 --> 00:04:49,839
[whispering] Who's Domingo?
89
00:04:49,906 --> 00:04:55,011
Actually, his full name is
Harper Domingo Bradford-Lopez.
90
00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:59,682
Ah, but around the house, we
just call him little casper.
91
00:04:59,750 --> 00:05:02,852
Well, as you know, we take great pride
92
00:05:02,919 --> 00:05:05,421
in the diverse background
of our students.
93
00:05:05,489 --> 00:05:07,490
Given Harper's dual heritage,
it's one of the things
94
00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:09,625
that attracted us to the
school in the first place.
95
00:05:09,693 --> 00:05:10,793
Isn't that right, George?
96
00:05:10,861 --> 00:05:14,196
[as Dos Equis Man]
I don't usually like school...
97
00:05:14,264 --> 00:05:17,033
but when I do, I prefer this one.
98
00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:18,734
[laughs]
99
00:05:18,802 --> 00:05:22,505
Harper doesn't hear the voices
in his head that his dad does.
100
00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:26,976
Well, we foster all forms of
creativity here at the school.
101
00:05:27,044 --> 00:05:29,912
In fact, we encourage
our students to think,
102
00:05:29,980 --> 00:05:34,050
to question, to develop a
lifelong sense of wonder.
103
00:05:34,117 --> 00:05:36,152
- How much?
- George.
104
00:05:36,219 --> 00:05:40,089
Well, it's gonna come up.
We might as well get to it.
105
00:05:40,157 --> 00:05:41,290
No, that's all right.
106
00:05:41,358 --> 00:05:43,926
The fathers do like to
get down to business.
107
00:05:43,994 --> 00:05:46,929
Here is our tuition schedule.
108
00:05:52,335 --> 00:05:55,004
- Is that in pesos?
- Dollars.
109
00:05:55,072 --> 00:05:56,939
[laughs]
110
00:05:57,007 --> 00:05:58,040
A year?
111
00:05:58,108 --> 00:05:59,542
- A semester.
- Oh.
112
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:05,514
Okay, does this school offer
any custodial opportunities
113
00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:10,554
that I may perform in order
to offset some of this tuition?
114
00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:13,889
How can you put a price
on our son's education?
115
00:06:13,957 --> 00:06:16,092
I didn't put a price
on Domingo's education.
116
00:06:16,159 --> 00:06:18,260
The "Devil Wears Prada" did.
117
00:06:23,978 --> 00:06:26,880
[badly playing "Smoke on the water"]
118
00:06:33,154 --> 00:06:35,155
I hope you're happy.
119
00:06:35,223 --> 00:06:38,024
Harper was denied admission
to the Mind Academy.
120
00:06:38,092 --> 00:06:41,061
- He's gonna be devastated.
- You mean you're devastated.
121
00:06:41,128 --> 00:06:44,381
I mean, this whole mind academy
thing was just so I could spend
122
00:06:44,382 --> 00:06:47,634
a lot of money, so you could brag
to all your girlfriends at brunch.
123
00:06:47,702 --> 00:06:49,703
"Our kids all go to the same school,
124
00:06:49,770 --> 00:06:51,938
and after drop-off,
we can go spinning,
125
00:06:52,006 --> 00:06:55,342
and we can get a smoothie
with a protein boost."
126
00:06:56,777 --> 00:06:58,044
What are we gonna do?
127
00:06:58,112 --> 00:06:59,479
What do you mean, "what
are we going to do?"
128
00:06:59,547 --> 00:07:01,481
There's a perfectly good
public school down the street.
129
00:07:01,549 --> 00:07:03,450
That school? Absolutely not.
130
00:07:03,452 --> 00:07:06,486
He can even use his
god-given name, Domingo.
131
00:07:06,554 --> 00:07:09,823
They got about ten Domingos
there, he'll fit right in.
132
00:07:09,890 --> 00:07:12,225
Do you have any idea
what he'll be missing?
133
00:07:12,293 --> 00:07:16,730
The mind academy has Mandarin,
a marine biology program,
134
00:07:16,797 --> 00:07:18,999
backpacking trips through the desert.
135
00:07:19,066 --> 00:07:21,468
How do you think my family got here?
136
00:07:21,535 --> 00:07:24,704
Look, Mac, you and I both
went to public school,
137
00:07:24,772 --> 00:07:28,475
and one of us turned out okay,
and so will he.
138
00:07:28,542 --> 00:07:31,311
Besides, Harper doesn't
care what school he goes to.
139
00:07:31,379 --> 00:07:34,547
Yes, he does. This is the
only one he was excited about.
140
00:07:34,615 --> 00:07:37,817
It's gonna break his heart.
[sighs] How are we gonna tell him?
141
00:07:37,885 --> 00:07:39,519
You see?
That's the thing right there.
142
00:07:39,587 --> 00:07:44,291
You think a kid is gonna crumble
just because of a little disappointment.
143
00:07:44,358 --> 00:07:47,327
Okay.
Fine, tough guy, you tell him.
144
00:07:47,395 --> 00:07:48,862
- I'll tell him.
- All right.
145
00:07:48,929 --> 00:07:52,065
I'll tell him the same way that
my Mom told me that my dog died.
146
00:07:52,133 --> 00:07:54,034
She said, "look at thing
in the street right there.
147
00:07:54,101 --> 00:07:57,370
looks like a pizza. That's Chico.
148
00:07:57,438 --> 00:07:58,838
And the two black things?
Those aren't black olives.
149
00:07:58,906 --> 00:08:00,373
- those are his eyes."
- Ugh.
150
00:08:00,441 --> 00:08:01,841
"And the four little things?
151
00:08:01,909 --> 00:08:03,510
They didn't add breadsticks.
Those are his legs."
152
00:08:03,577 --> 00:08:07,047
Oh!
Oh, hi, honey.
153
00:08:07,114 --> 00:08:09,916
Um, your dad has something
to tell you about school.
154
00:08:09,984 --> 00:08:11,918
Did we hear from the Mind Academy yet?
155
00:08:11,986 --> 00:08:14,688
Uh... honey?
[chuckles]
156
00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:16,489
All my friends have
heard, and they got in.
157
00:08:16,557 --> 00:08:21,127
Except Bernard. He still doesn't
know how to tie his shoes.
158
00:08:21,195 --> 00:08:23,296
So you really liked this school, huh?
159
00:08:23,364 --> 00:08:26,800
I loved it! Their campus is huge.
They have a new video studio,
160
00:08:26,867 --> 00:08:29,102
and you get to call their
teachers by their first name.
161
00:08:29,170 --> 00:08:33,406
- How cool is that?
- Yeah, that's... that's very cool.
162
00:08:33,474 --> 00:08:35,408
So did we hear?
163
00:08:35,476 --> 00:08:40,180
Uh, no.
Um, we haven't heard yet.
164
00:08:40,247 --> 00:08:43,550
- Oh, man.
- But don't be disappointed.
165
00:08:43,617 --> 00:08:45,285
I mean, they handwrite those letters.
166
00:08:45,353 --> 00:08:47,787
You know, there's
calligraphy, there's embossing,
167
00:08:47,855 --> 00:08:51,458
there's the stamp, then they
gotta blow on the hot wax.
168
00:08:51,525 --> 00:08:55,095
Dad, they usually send an email.
169
00:08:55,162 --> 00:08:57,964
If I haven't heard yet,
I'm not getting in.
170
00:09:02,670 --> 00:09:07,760
Wow.
You are one tough-talking Mexican.
171
00:09:08,103 --> 00:09:10,972
I'd gonna run with
George Lopez in a dark alley. {*}
172
00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:12,907
I might get embossed.
173
00:09:18,147 --> 00:09:20,815
Grandma, can you help
me with this problem?
174
00:09:20,883 --> 00:09:22,350
No.
175
00:09:24,253 --> 00:09:27,655
- Dad, I can't get this problem.
- Here, let me take a look.
176
00:09:27,723 --> 00:09:30,391
You can't help him. You're stupid.
177
00:09:30,459 --> 00:09:32,660
But you can pretend. Go ahead.
178
00:09:32,728 --> 00:09:36,331
You know, I think I can do
junior high math, thank you.
179
00:09:37,566 --> 00:09:39,834
Let me see that.
[clears throat]
180
00:09:39,902 --> 00:09:44,939
"The Smith family is traveling on
a vacation destination in two cars.
181
00:09:45,007 --> 00:09:48,776
Mrs. Smith leaves home at noon,
traveling 45 miles per hour.
182
00:09:48,844 --> 00:09:51,112
Mr. Smith leaves one hour later
183
00:09:51,180 --> 00:09:57,085
and travels at 55 miles per hour
for the first two hours." Ugh.
184
00:09:57,152 --> 00:10:00,521
"At what time does Mr. Smith
overtake Mrs. Smith?"
185
00:10:03,259 --> 00:10:05,193
This is what they're teaching you?
186
00:10:05,261 --> 00:10:08,930
Who the hell leaves at noon?
And they shouldn't be taking two cars.
187
00:10:08,998 --> 00:10:11,366
Here's what you can learn:
Mexicans, we fit everybody
188
00:10:11,433 --> 00:10:14,235
in the same car with the
baby in the glove compartment,
189
00:10:14,303 --> 00:10:16,905
and we get there when we get there.
Write that down.
190
00:10:16,972 --> 00:10:18,873
That's true.
191
00:10:18,941 --> 00:10:21,776
You know, um, Harper,
you know that school
192
00:10:21,844 --> 00:10:25,013
that you want to go to, I'm sure
the math is even harder there.
193
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,748
- I know.
- Because...
194
00:10:26,815 --> 00:10:29,517
[clears throat] there are
plenty of other good schools.
195
00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,819
- Not for me.
- Oh.
196
00:10:31,887 --> 00:10:36,991
Hey, George, look at this, $627.89.
197
00:10:37,059 --> 00:10:39,394
That's like three of
my disability checks.
198
00:10:39,461 --> 00:10:41,696
We almost have enough
for my invisaligns.
199
00:10:41,764 --> 00:10:46,000
Nobody will ever call
you "bulldog" again, mijo.
200
00:10:46,068 --> 00:10:47,969
What the hell did you
guys sell at the swap meet?
201
00:10:48,037 --> 00:10:49,437
Just a bunch of old junk.
202
00:10:49,505 --> 00:10:53,741
We got 50 bucks for that treadmill
that you clearly never use. [laughs]
203
00:10:53,809 --> 00:10:57,445
And that motorcycle doll. Some fool
gave us 200 bucks for that thing.
204
00:10:57,513 --> 00:11:00,848
Wait a minute, my Evel Knievel
stunt cycle and action figure?
205
00:11:00,916 --> 00:11:02,317
I didn't say you could sell that.
206
00:11:02,384 --> 00:11:04,786
Alma did.
She said to get rid of it.
207
00:11:04,853 --> 00:11:07,422
Wait a minute, you told
them they could sell
208
00:11:07,489 --> 00:11:10,058
my mint-condition Evel Knievel
action figure?
209
00:11:10,125 --> 00:11:12,260
You're too old to play
with dolls, fat-ass.
210
00:11:15,164 --> 00:11:17,565
Find the guy who bought
it and get it back.
211
00:11:17,633 --> 00:11:19,534
You know what, we're sorry, Georgie.
212
00:11:19,601 --> 00:11:22,103
We overstepped my boundaries.
213
00:11:22,171 --> 00:11:24,939
Okay, don't come back
here without it. Go!
214
00:11:26,275 --> 00:11:27,809
You collect dolls?
215
00:11:27,876 --> 00:11:30,278
No, I don't. Just...
just that one.
216
00:11:30,346 --> 00:11:32,967
- Why?
- My dad bought it for me.
217
00:11:32,968 --> 00:11:34,649
It was a long, long time ago.
218
00:11:34,717 --> 00:11:36,818
He only bought it for
you because he was drunk.
219
00:11:36,885 --> 00:11:40,254
Of course he was drunk.
Look who he was married to.
220
00:11:42,124 --> 00:11:47,362
February 18, 1973. The L.A. Coliseum.
We had front-row seats.
221
00:11:47,429 --> 00:11:50,631
Evel Knievel jumped 50 cars on
a Harley-Davidson motorcycle.
222
00:11:50,699 --> 00:11:52,266
It was amazing.
He was all in white, on top.
223
00:11:52,334 --> 00:11:54,035
[imitates motorcycle]
[both laugh]
224
00:11:54,103 --> 00:11:55,570
You and your dad liked Evel Knievel?
225
00:11:55,637 --> 00:11:57,672
No, I did.
He thought he was an idiot.
226
00:11:57,740 --> 00:12:00,274
[chuckles] Wasting gas.
227
00:12:02,211 --> 00:12:04,078
Then how come he took you?
228
00:12:04,146 --> 00:12:07,648
Because he knew that
it was important to me.
229
00:12:07,716 --> 00:12:10,151
And to get away from her.
230
00:12:13,722 --> 00:12:17,125
This is the one I want you to read.
Okay? Thanks.
231
00:12:22,898 --> 00:12:24,832
I've been watching you all night, papi.
232
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:28,536
- You seem troubled.
- Yeah, I'm troubled by the fact
233
00:12:28,604 --> 00:12:31,472
that you've been watching me all night.
234
00:12:31,540 --> 00:12:33,975
Hey, hey, hey, listen, the
night janitor's still here.
235
00:12:34,043 --> 00:12:37,979
He's drunk, but if I scream
loud enough, he'll show up.
236
00:12:38,047 --> 00:12:40,815
Come on, relax.
Come on, sit down.
237
00:12:40,883 --> 00:12:43,851
Come on, come on.
Come on, talk to me.
238
00:12:43,919 --> 00:12:49,557
Okay, I can tell there's something
weighing heavy on your heart.
239
00:12:49,625 --> 00:12:51,959
Okay, don't think of me
as the voluptuous woman
240
00:12:52,027 --> 00:12:54,095
down the hall who would give
herself to you in a heartbeat.
241
00:12:54,163 --> 00:12:58,699
Just... think of me as a friend.
242
00:12:58,767 --> 00:13:01,803
- Okay.
- Okay? Just as a friend.
243
00:13:01,870 --> 00:13:03,938
Okay, well... [chuckles]
244
00:13:04,006 --> 00:13:06,674
you can start by stop
playing with my nipples.
245
00:13:06,742 --> 00:13:10,378
Oh, I'm sorry. [chuckles]
When I'm around you,
246
00:13:10,446 --> 00:13:12,580
my hands seem to have
a mind of their own.
247
00:13:12,648 --> 00:13:15,950
Okay, I'll behave.
Tell me what's wrong.
248
00:13:16,018 --> 00:13:19,914
Well, my son had his heart
set on this private school,
249
00:13:19,982 --> 00:13:23,117
and he got rejected,
and I don't know how to tell him.
250
00:13:23,185 --> 00:13:24,552
Of course you don't.
251
00:13:24,620 --> 00:13:27,355
You never want your
child to be disappointed.
252
00:13:27,423 --> 00:13:29,858
George, let me show you
a picture of the best part of me.
253
00:13:29,925 --> 00:13:31,993
- Oh, come on! You see?
- No, stop it.
254
00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:34,395
- You said you wanted to talk!
- Stop it. Sit down.
255
00:13:34,463 --> 00:13:36,097
Is it you in the tankini again?
256
00:13:36,165 --> 00:13:37,999
[sighs]
257
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:42,036
My daughter.
My daughter Yolanda.
258
00:13:42,104 --> 00:13:44,339
Wow.
I didn't know you had a daughter.
259
00:13:44,406 --> 00:13:46,207
- Mm-hmm.
- She's beautiful.
260
00:13:46,275 --> 00:13:48,543
And smart and nothing like her father,
261
00:13:48,611 --> 00:13:51,846
who, if I ever see again,
I'll gut like a fish.
262
00:13:53,983 --> 00:13:56,117
I love my daughter, and I
would do anything for her.
263
00:13:56,185 --> 00:13:58,903
She's my life.
So what happened when you
264
00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:00,722
went back to the school
and raised hell?
265
00:14:00,789 --> 00:14:03,825
- I didn't go back to the school.
- Why?
266
00:14:03,893 --> 00:14:05,960
You know, I don't know
if I want him to go there.
267
00:14:06,028 --> 00:14:07,695
I mean, I don't want to spend a fortune
268
00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:11,065
to turn my kid into this
spoiled, little, L.A. rich kid.
269
00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:13,368
No, you pay the school to open his mind.
270
00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:16,638
The kind of man he becomes is your job.
271
00:14:16,705 --> 00:14:20,875
George, do you think he
should go to that school?
272
00:14:23,412 --> 00:14:26,147
Well, I gotta remember
that he's not me, okay?
273
00:14:26,215 --> 00:14:29,617
I don't like the school, but he does.
274
00:14:29,685 --> 00:14:31,119
So I think he should go.
275
00:14:31,186 --> 00:14:33,254
Okay. Then it's up to
you to make it happen.
276
00:14:33,322 --> 00:14:36,257
Scream at them, slash their
tire, key their car, whatever.
277
00:14:36,325 --> 00:14:39,928
Yeah, that behavior traditionally
doesn't work out well for Mexicans.
278
00:14:39,995 --> 00:14:42,096
No. Come on, you know what I'm saying.
279
00:14:42,164 --> 00:14:45,099
You are his father, and if you
don't fight for him, who will?
280
00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:46,801
So go! Do it, now!
281
00:14:46,869 --> 00:14:49,771
Well, I can't right now.
It's late, the school is closed.
282
00:14:49,838 --> 00:14:50,805
Oh, good. Then we have some time.
283
00:14:50,873 --> 00:14:53,074
- Let's take a bath.
- Wh...
284
00:14:55,776 --> 00:14:57,776
[knocking at the door]
285
00:14:57,844 --> 00:15:01,480
- Oh, Mr. Lopez. Did we...
- Ms. Sloan, do you have a minute?
286
00:15:01,548 --> 00:15:03,715
Please, sit down.
287
00:15:03,783 --> 00:15:08,821
I'm very sorry the way things
turned out for H. Domingo.
288
00:15:08,888 --> 00:15:13,525
Right. Well, you know,
H. Domingo is a great kid.
289
00:15:13,593 --> 00:15:15,027
And, I mean, he might not have been
290
00:15:15,095 --> 00:15:16,395
the smartest kid that applied,
or he might not have been...
291
00:15:16,463 --> 00:15:19,131
No, no, no, no, no, no,
your son is terrific.
292
00:15:19,199 --> 00:15:22,534
- His transcript was excellent.
- Well, then, why was he rejected?
293
00:15:22,602 --> 00:15:26,905
Well, um, the interview is
as much about the parents
294
00:15:26,973 --> 00:15:28,807
as it is about the student.
295
00:15:28,875 --> 00:15:31,877
I knew it, my ex-wife.
I told her, "bring it down."
296
00:15:31,995 --> 00:15:33,896
She got on your nerves, right?
297
00:15:33,964 --> 00:15:35,497
She got on your nerves.
She gets on my nerves.
298
00:15:35,565 --> 00:15:39,301
Can you imagine 11 years
spent with a person like that?
299
00:15:39,419 --> 00:15:41,821
May I be blunt?
300
00:15:41,888 --> 00:15:46,792
- The problem was you.
- Damn, that is blunt.
301
00:15:46,860 --> 00:15:50,062
Okay, look, I know when I
was here for the interview,
302
00:15:50,130 --> 00:15:53,399
I-I made that whole thing about...
about money.
303
00:15:53,466 --> 00:15:55,334
Yeah, if the school didn't
frown upon gender stereotypes,
304
00:15:55,402 --> 00:15:57,903
I'd say you whined like a little girl.
305
00:15:57,971 --> 00:16:01,006
See, but what you need to understand is,
306
00:16:01,074 --> 00:16:04,210
that's a lot of money
to a person like me.
307
00:16:04,277 --> 00:16:07,179
I'm just a humble,
immigrant businessman.
308
00:16:07,247 --> 00:16:10,115
I was born in a small,
Mexican fishing village
309
00:16:10,183 --> 00:16:12,785
called El Pescado.
310
00:16:12,853 --> 00:16:16,455
And my Mom worked on
a shrimp boat 16 hours a day.
311
00:16:16,523 --> 00:16:18,390
It wasn't even really
that much of a boat
312
00:16:18,458 --> 00:16:23,495
as much as it was
a door with a net on it.
313
00:16:23,563 --> 00:16:26,098
And when I was born, she was working,
314
00:16:26,166 --> 00:16:31,604
and she just squatted down on the door,
shot me into the net.
315
00:16:31,671 --> 00:16:33,339
And it broke her heart
316
00:16:33,406 --> 00:16:37,076
that she never got
a chance to send me to school.
317
00:16:37,143 --> 00:16:40,412
And before she died, she said,
318
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:44,083
[voice cracking]
"if you ever have a son,
319
00:16:44,150 --> 00:16:48,153
make sure that he doesn't grow up
to be estupido like you."
320
00:16:50,657 --> 00:16:54,193
[sniffs] And then a
wave came and took her.
321
00:16:56,196 --> 00:16:58,497
That was a very touching story.
322
00:16:58,565 --> 00:17:01,300
Although according to Google,
you were born here in L.A.,
323
00:17:01,368 --> 00:17:03,636
your mother is still living,
and your humble business
324
00:17:03,703 --> 00:17:06,872
has captured 5% of the
energy drink market.
325
00:17:06,940 --> 00:17:11,443
- Google!
- Mr. Lopez, I'm confused.
326
00:17:11,511 --> 00:17:13,746
I thought you didn't
care for our school.
327
00:17:13,813 --> 00:17:17,283
Okay, look, I don't,
okay, but my son does.
328
00:17:17,350 --> 00:17:19,885
And this school is perfect for him,
329
00:17:19,953 --> 00:17:23,789
so if you guys would reconsider,
I'll write the check.
330
00:17:23,857 --> 00:17:27,359
Mr. Lopez, you can't just
buy your way into our school
331
00:17:27,427 --> 00:17:32,598
for anything less than...
than this.
332
00:17:35,201 --> 00:17:37,436
Damn, that is a lot of zeros.
333
00:17:38,872 --> 00:17:40,372
That would get him in?
334
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:43,609
Well, our school is very
big on parental donations.
335
00:17:43,677 --> 00:17:46,779
When you say "donations,"
do you mean "donations,"
336
00:17:46,846 --> 00:17:50,516
- or do you mean... "donations"?
- That one with the wink.
337
00:17:50,583 --> 00:17:52,017
The one with the wink.
338
00:17:52,085 --> 00:17:54,320
And we are midway through
our fund-raising drive
339
00:17:54,387 --> 00:17:56,755
for our new interactive library.
340
00:17:56,823 --> 00:18:02,027
So if I was being
a little more interactive,
341
00:18:02,095 --> 00:18:07,099
like let's say... that there,
that would get him in?
342
00:18:07,167 --> 00:18:10,970
Well, as long as we're interacting...
343
00:18:14,774 --> 00:18:17,576
That better be a smiley
face and not another zero.
344
00:18:17,644 --> 00:18:20,045
It's both. [laughs]
345
00:18:20,113 --> 00:18:24,016
I find a little whimsy takes the
sting out of writing that check.
346
00:18:37,263 --> 00:18:39,932
[sighs]
347
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,200
[chuckles]
348
00:18:41,267 --> 00:18:44,603
It's like it doesn't want to come out.
349
00:18:46,539 --> 00:18:49,241
Welcome to the Mind Academy.
350
00:18:49,309 --> 00:18:51,643
- Thank you very much.
- Yes. [chuckles]
351
00:18:51,711 --> 00:18:53,245
[badly playing "Smoke on the water"]
352
00:18:53,313 --> 00:18:55,647
George, Harper's on his way in.
353
00:18:55,715 --> 00:18:57,916
God, enough "smoke on the water."
354
00:18:57,984 --> 00:19:00,686
Come on, we had years of
unsatisfying sex to this song.
355
00:19:02,188 --> 00:19:03,622
And much like the song,
356
00:19:03,690 --> 00:19:06,358
the sex lasted for two
minutes and ended in a solo.
357
00:19:08,228 --> 00:19:10,896
Listen, he has been asking
all day about school.
358
00:19:10,964 --> 00:19:13,766
- You have to tell him.
- You're right.
359
00:19:13,833 --> 00:19:16,435
And don't be too harsh.
But don't baby him.
360
00:19:16,503 --> 00:19:19,338
I mean, baby him a little,
but don't make it obvious.
361
00:19:19,406 --> 00:19:21,006
[sighs] I need a drink.
362
00:19:21,074 --> 00:19:24,476
Which one of these penis
bottles has the Scotch?
363
00:19:24,544 --> 00:19:28,047
- Hey, Dad.
- Oh, hey, Harper. Come over here.
364
00:19:28,114 --> 00:19:29,648
I need to talk to you, son.
365
00:19:29,716 --> 00:19:33,519
We both do.
It's about the Mind Academy.
366
00:19:33,586 --> 00:19:37,723
Remember, you're a great
kid with a lot to offer.
367
00:19:37,791 --> 00:19:39,691
Which is why you got accepted!
368
00:19:39,759 --> 00:19:41,160
- I did?
- He did?
369
00:19:41,227 --> 00:19:42,961
You start in the fall, Domingo!
370
00:19:43,029 --> 00:19:45,230
Awesome! Mom, how cool is this?
371
00:19:45,298 --> 00:19:47,633
- Oh!
- How many people can I group text?
372
00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:50,369
I'll figure it out.
373
00:19:50,437 --> 00:19:52,237
Yes!
374
00:19:52,305 --> 00:19:55,741
I don't get it.
He was rejected. What happened?
375
00:19:55,809 --> 00:19:59,678
I went to the school.
I sat with Ms. Sloan.
376
00:19:59,746 --> 00:20:02,881
We spoke bluntly about our feelings.
377
00:20:02,949 --> 00:20:04,817
Yeah, what really happened,
Mr. Banderas?
378
00:20:04,884 --> 00:20:06,318
I left a big-ass check
379
00:20:06,386 --> 00:20:08,487
and a little bit of
my soul in that office.
380
00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:09,721
[laughs]
381
00:20:12,598 --> 00:20:16,334
[playing]
382
00:20:16,402 --> 00:20:19,471
[neighbor] Hey, smoke on the water!
You suck!
383
00:20:19,538 --> 00:20:23,141
Oh, thanks!
All right, he recognized the song!
384
00:20:24,643 --> 00:20:27,012
Why are you playing
that drug addict music?
385
00:20:27,079 --> 00:20:29,280
You need to hear some real music.
386
00:20:29,348 --> 00:20:32,717
[mariachi music]
387
00:20:34,086 --> 00:20:35,987
That music only sounds
good when you're drunk.
388
00:20:36,055 --> 00:20:38,324
I am drunk.
389
00:20:39,392 --> 00:20:42,527
- Oh, hell, no!
- Hey!
390
00:20:42,595 --> 00:20:44,880
Yo, Georgie!
Here's your stupid toy.
391
00:20:44,881 --> 00:20:48,299
- I hope you're happy.
- All right, he's still in the box!
392
00:20:48,367 --> 00:20:51,669
Look at him, sissy boy, hugging a doll.
393
00:20:51,737 --> 00:20:54,672
Cost us every cent we made
on selling your other stuff.
394
00:20:56,509 --> 00:20:58,243
I'm sorry, mijo, I let you down.
395
00:20:58,310 --> 00:21:02,447
That's okay, Daddy, I don't...
I don't need those invisaligns.
396
00:21:02,515 --> 00:21:04,215
No, we're gonna get
rid of that underbite
397
00:21:04,283 --> 00:21:08,420
- even if i have to get a job.
- A job? But...
398
00:21:08,487 --> 00:21:10,121
No, Daddy.
You don't have to do that.
399
00:21:10,189 --> 00:21:14,859
I will! I don't want to,
but anything for you, son.
400
00:21:16,362 --> 00:21:18,396
Oh, Daddy. Come here.
401
00:21:18,464 --> 00:21:20,765
Your dad's willing to get a job.
That's love, junior.
402
00:21:20,833 --> 00:21:22,934
That fool has never wanted to work.
403
00:21:23,002 --> 00:21:26,571
I'll tell you what, I'm gonna
pay for your invisaligns.
404
00:21:28,374 --> 00:21:30,642
Are... are you sure?
They're expensive.
405
00:21:30,709 --> 00:21:32,310
I want tops and bottoms.
406
00:21:32,378 --> 00:21:34,012
Junior, I'm gonna get you the best,
407
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:36,881
from a real dentist, not a
guy that advertises on the bus.
408
00:21:36,949 --> 00:21:40,585
"Llamame: Cinco, cinco, cinco,
cinco, cinco, cinco, cinco."
409
00:21:42,154 --> 00:21:43,788
Thanks, man. I'm coming in.
410
00:21:43,856 --> 00:21:44,889
No, no, you don't have to come in.
411
00:21:44,957 --> 00:21:46,925
I'm coming in.
Daddy, come join us.
412
00:21:46,992 --> 00:21:47,959
Alma, come on. Come on.
413
00:21:48,027 --> 00:21:49,294
[junior] Alma, get in here.
414
00:21:49,361 --> 00:21:51,262
Come on, Mom, when was the last time
you were with three guys?
415
00:21:51,330 --> 00:21:54,232
Ten days ago.
[all groan]
416
00:21:54,300 --> 00:21:57,202
- Then don't ask!
- Oh!
417
00:21:57,269 --> 00:22:00,271
[mariachi music]
418
00:22:11,091 --> 00:22:14,099
sync & correction by f1nc0
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419
00:22:14,149 --> 00:22:18,699
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