Original subtitles

[Doorbell rings]

Why can't you answer the door?

Because if I answer the door,

they're gonna think I work here.

- [Doorbell rings] - Wait a minute. What's wrong with that?

In this neighborhood,

everybody's got a Mexican answering the door.

- [Doorbell rings] - Then you answer it.

Your mom... changed the code,

and we had to jump the fence.

Well, how Mexican of you.

Hey, Hyper, make yourself useful.

Go get your grandma something to drink.

Two fingers of Tequila?

No, make it three. Your fingers are tiny.

No, Harper, you are not your grandmother's mixologist.

Go, do your homework.

Tequila, Alma?

In the middle of the day? Really?

I know. I got a late start.

Who are you to judge?

You're jumping fences.

Flaca.

So, George...

Harper's birthday is coming up soon.

Yes, I know.

- You do? - Yeah, I do.

Don't look so surprised.

I also know that it falls on one of the days that I have him.

So this year, I will be planning the party.

Okay.

That's an idea.

Uh, or...

don't you think it would be in everybody's best interest

if I just plan it like I do every year?

Really? Well, whose best interest

was that lame-ass recycling party we had last year?

The environment's, George.

Well, I don't care about the environment.

This year, I'm gonna throw Harper the kind of party

that I want to throw.

Why are you making such a big deal?

You're gonna spoil him.

What are you gonna do next year for his birthday?

Throw him another party?

That's how it starts.

Okay, Americans love birthdays.

In fact, I saw two girls hugging in the hallway

because it was their "birthday month."

"Oh, my God, Avery, are you March?

"So am I! Xoxo!

Yay! Mwah!"

America was founded in 1776

with the Declaration of Independence.

Now, think of that document like a birth certificate

for the baby country.

The U.S. shot out of England,

it cried for a while, had to fend for itself,

and the first law that it passed was called...

The United States constitution.

Man, I love it when you interrupt me and you're wrong!

You're confident.

I like that, but you're still wrong.

Now, the colonies came up with something called

the articles of confederation.

Now, I know that sounds like a white rap group from the '90s.

"Oh, my God, are you gonna go see

the Articles of Confederation?"

"It's only my birthday month. Duh."

What's the point of this?

The point is,

when you go to a fourth of July celebration,

you're celebrating the birth of a new country,

a new start, and a new beginning for many people.

At my house, we just eat fried food,

my fat Uncle gets drunk, hits on the neighbor's wife,

and falls asleep naked on the lawn chair

with a full beer in his hand.

And that's what makes America great.

Write that down. Write it down!

- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

'Sup, fool?

♪ ♪

[Laughter]

[Speaking spanish]

[Speaking spanish]

Oh, come on!

Not all of you.

- Just like I said, huh? - Mm-hmm.

Hey, mom, what are you trying to insinuate?

"Insinuate." Mira.

Big words. The show-off.

[Laughter]

I haven't insinuated since the batteries went dead

in my insinuator.

[Laughter]

Okay.

Hey, don't you guys have some dogs to walk,

white kids to raise, something to Swiffer?

Ay! I left el Cooper alone watching the TV!

Ay, dios mio!

Oh, my God. What's all that?

I don't know yet. I got all the parts here.

I could still put the goat back together.

Then you'd have a twin.

Hey, I told you I got a taco bar coming

for Harper's birthday with a sneeze guard and everything.

Here's the thing about goat.

You can sneeze on it, and it still tastes the same.

Hello, George.

Hello, women who never say hello back to me.

Just like I said, huh?

Worse. What does a man hold on to?

Yes, I'm thin.

Thank you for noticing.

You know, north of the border, that's a compliment.

So you ready for Harper's birthday party?

Oh, yeah. Wait a minute.

I got Harper a pinata and everything. Hang on.

I got him a pinata of the Aztec warrior Cuauhtemoc.

Because it's not a birthday party unless you display

a beloved hero of your people, then you fill him up with candy

and beat the hell out of him with a stick.

- Yo, Georgie. - Hello, ladies.

How are you doing?

You're a vision for the sore eyes.

Uh, guys, you know I'm as big a party animal as the next gal,

but, uh, well, the invitation clearly said, "no alcohol."

Oh, I thought you meant for the kids.

Junior, I'm cooking your favorite.

- Goat ankles! - Pfft!

Ah, which one do I want?

They're all enticing me.

George.

Outside. Now.

I told you fools to keep that in the trunk.

George... "Outside. Now."

No alcohol.

I don't like the message that drinking in front of kids sends.

Okay, I got news for you.

When we were kids, not only did our parents

drink in front of us, they made us go

to the liquor store and buy it with our own money.

Your Norman Rockwell upbringing aside,

let's be honest.

Planning parties isn't exactly in your wheelhouse.

- I'll handle it. - Oh, no. Hell no.

Okay, you planned all of Harper's birthday parties

- when we were together... - Yeah.

And this is the first one in my house,

and we agreed I would handle it.

So other than a keg and goat ankles,

what do you have planned?

The kind of birthday party I always wanted when I was a kid...

with great Mexican food, a pinata, tons of soda,

a dog running around eating all the leftovers,

a little girl with a little mustache

kissing you by the lemon tree like this.

Beans, sugar, rabid dogs,

and a prepubescent sexual awakening?

That sounds magical.

Hey.

Yo, Georgie, hey, the vatos from the party are here.

The vatos in green.

Oh! They're here! Hola, muchachos!

What are the Mexican Wham! doing here?

[Scoffs]

They are with healthy children's parties.

Hi. Look.

They provide nutritional food

and noncompetitive child-safe games.

[Mocking] Oh, my God. It sounds like a blast.

All right, kids, gather round.

It's time to play "pin the soybean on the vegan."

Muchachos, gracias,

pero su puede need.

No.

You guys can go. Thank you.

Fine. Send 'em away.

Then you won't have a party.

You'll just have the usual chaos.

And by "the usual chaos," you mean "fun."

I mean every time your family has a party,

it ends with drunk Mexicans

and a police helicopter circling above.

Yeah, that's how you know the party was fun.

The police helicopter is bringing more light.

"Sir, get down." "All right, officer."

George!

Just because you suddenly decide to play dad

and take an interest in Harper

- Ahem. - does not...

Mom, I don't want to have a party

if you guys are gonna be arguing.

No!

Honey, what makes you think we're arguing?

The arguing.

No, honey.

We are just talking with excitement

about the great party that your dad has planned.

That's right, Harper, and I couldn't have done it

or planned it without your mom's undying support.

I just want it to be fun.

George, Harper's right.

We cannot argue on his birthday.

Okay, I promise it's gonna be fun.

Okay? No chaos.

Harper! Hang on.

Hey, Harper.

Hey, man, I'm sorry about that, buddy.

All right, your mom and I aren't gonna argue.

As a matter of fact, this day is all about you.

I got some great stuff planned. I got a pinata.

I got a taco bar. I got water guns.

I got real guns.

No, I'm just kidding.

- Okay, dad. Sounds great. - Okay.

Hey! Oh, and another thing.

If Tio gives you a cigar, don't smoke it,

and don't tell your mom.

As a rule, don't ever accept anything Tio ever gives you.

I know. Mom already told me.

What?

What is this?

What the hell? Come on!

[Muffled shouting]

"This facility is temporarily predisposed"?

Oh, come on. What is this?

Come on! Take his mask off!

What the hell is going on in here?

We're watching Mexican wrestling.

It's a good fight too. Lot of blood.

Hey, I could have been a Mexican wrestler,

but I had passport issues.

Tio, what are you doing in my tub, man?

This is my bathroom. This ain't a media room.

Hey, we came here to party, Georgie.

Yeah, but MacKenzie said, "no drinking in front of the kids,"

so we're partying in here.

Yeah, in a children-free zone.

All right, well, keep the booze in here, man.

Don't let it spill into my party.

Hey, who's wrestling?

La Plancha y el pPedo Negro.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

El Pedo went for the nut shot.

Y la Plancha fell for it. Wow.

Que pendejo! Goes to show you.

What's that gonna show me?

That if I ever get in a fight

with a guy called "The Black Fart,"

to be on the lookout for the nut shot?

- Duh. Yeah. - Yeah.

Kids are in the backyard.

[Whistles]

Guns, George? Guns?

Come on. They shoot water.

You want a real gun,

I got a guy by the airport.

Well, Harmony, Connor's mother,

saw a picture of him holding one of these on Instagram,

and I had to stop her from leaving hot yoga

to pick up her kid.

What are these kids doing now?

Well, they're not making the biosphere that I had planned.

They're just playing games on their phones,

totally bored, including Harper.

Oh, man.

- Hey, Brandon. - Oh, hi, Brandon.

This party blows.

So is this the raucous fun you had in mind?

They're just hungry.

Hey, kids! Hey!

Put your phones down. Who wants tacos?

Hey, old lady, where's my taco bar?

No taco bar. Just goat.

Goat? Wait a minute.

I paid those guys to be here all day.

I kicked 'em out. Their food didn't look clean.

Got ya!

Dad, I thought we were having a taco bar

with an assortment of toppings.

Uh, yeah, we were, but your grandma decided

to surprise you for your birthday

with some delicacies from our native land.

Yeah, yeah.

That right there is goat tongue, uh-huh.

It's as good as it smells.

I can see it in your face.

Now, this one right here,

I'm not sure... I'm not sure what...

what, uh, what that is, but, uh, it's delicious.

And this one right here, you know the Wolverine?

He eats that every day for lunch.

That's why his sideburns get like that.

And when he mixes the two, that's when the claws come out.

[Sighs] Oh, great.

All right, kids, who wants some Wolverine food?

My allergy team identified these foods I need to avoid.

Do any of the entrees contain these ingredients?

Do you speak English?

No.

I no hablo English.

I only be in the United States 51 years.

Come, gringo. I take you to candy.

Get your ass in there.

Here. Eat.

Hey! My father is the Vice President

of a Fortune 500 company!

My father's dead.

[Latin music plays] [Chattering in spanish]

Oh!

(All) George!

Hey!

Whoo!

Como estas?

Sandia!

It's a fun afternoon for you.

(All) Sandia!

Man, Junior, when we were kids,

parties used to be fun.

Why is this so hard?

Oh, those parties were the best.

Going to the liquor store to buy alcohol,

jumping from roof to roof.

Hey, I landed on a nail one time

and didn't even puncture my skin.

Daddy's epidermis layers are extra thick

like Canadian bacon.

What the hell are you talking about?

I have special fibers laced together real tight

like the... like the tiles on the space shuttle.

Put a rocket on his back, he shoots right to the moon.

Buzz Aldrin, that fool needs a ship.

I don't need no stinking ship.

Yeah, astronaut pendejo, reporting for duty.

But these kids, man, they need to be constantly entertained.

I need some fun, something to get 'em off their phones.

Hey, Georgie, I got the perfect thing.

[Chuckles]

I'll give these kids an entertainment

they'll never forget.

Vamos, Junior. It's time for show!

[Grunts]

Tio, what are you gonna do?

A full-fledged entertainment is on the way.

Vamos, Junior. Come on, mijo.

[Laughter, indistinct chatter]

Oh.

I think el Pedo Negro struck again.

Sandia!

Sandia.

[Knock at door]

(MacKenzie) Is someone smoking a cigarette in there?

Shh, guys, shh. Shut up, shut up.

George, what the hell?

Hey, don't you see the sign on the door?

This bathroom is temporarily predisposed.

The party is falling apart, and you're in here drinking

with half of Juarez.

La policia. Vamonos, venga.

[Giggling]

Yeah, vamonos. Porque sabes que...

Ah!

All I wanted was a safe and fun environment

for Harper and not the usual chaos.

Okay, stop saying that! Okay?

This is normal.

Oh, it's normal to have a kegger in your bathroom?

It's normal for every family gathering

to end in urgent care?

It's normal for a godparent

to bring a handgun to a baptism?

Okay, for the last time, I told you,

that man was protecting the baby.

[Scoffs]

George, I don't want Harper growing up

thinking this kind of behavior is appropriate.

Yeah, what kind of behavior is that?

George, these Mexican parties are always the same.

It's always, "eh, vato.

You see that girl? She got a fat ass."

"Which one?" "You know.

The one with the fat ass."

"The fat-assed one?"

"Nah! Forget her, man!"

"Hey... " [mimics smoking]

"Let's drop out of high school and sit in parking lots

and wink at white women."

Sound familiar, George?

Yeah, I didn't realize you were paying such close attention.

Well, I've seen it all, George.

Okay, well, I've seen it all too.

And if it were up to you, Harper would be wearing

a sailor suit with a white hat, surrounded by your friends.

"Oh, my God. Avery can't make it to hot yoga

because I totally flaked and scheduled

a dressage lesson at the same time."

(Junior) Damas y caballeros!

Viene derecho del infierno el diablo!

In English! They're all white kids!

Ladies and gentlemen, directly from hell,

El Diablo!

George, what the hell is your Uncle doing?

I am El Diablo!

I am here!

I am angry!

I am from the hell!

[Shouting gibberish]

Hey! Oy! Oy! Oy!

[Mutters] Oh, okay, all right.

(Junior) All right.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the El Diablo flip!

Okay! Children!

Do not try this at home!

Esta es muy elegante!

English! White kids!

This is very... elegante!

Hiya! Hiya! Ho!

Ha! Whoa!

(All) Oh!

Daddy?

Tio, are you all right?

Uh, I'm alive.

I can't breathe. I can't brea...

I am El Diablo!

I am... ay, mijo.

Take me back to the... to the hell.

Okay, daddy... I mean, Diablo.

[Groans]

Okay.

[Whimpering]

Hey! Children!

El Diablo needs a minute to recuperate...

and to put his shoulder back in its socket.

Next time I ask for a party,

can we just not have a party?

(Tio and Junior) ♪ yo se bien que estoy afuera ♪

♪ pero el dia que yo me muera ♪

[Door closes] Is Tio gonna be all right?

He'll be fine.

I once saw him jump four stories

and land on his back as Batman.

You really screwed up this party.

Well, your negative presence

and your water gun buyback program didn't help either.

All right. I was an accomplice.

You were right about one thing.

To get through a kids' party, you do need alcohol.

[Chuckles]

That's the one thing us Mexicans have always understood.

You call it a coping mechanism, we call it a 12-pack.

[Both chuckle]

Are you really afraid Harper's gonna end up too Mexican?

No.

He'll always be Mexican. It's in his blood.

That's not what scares me.

I'm afraid he's gonna turn out like you.

Clueless.

I would ask you what that means,

but that would make me clueless.

I know your heart was in the right place,

but you were trying to give Harper

the kind of party you wanted as a kid.

You should have given him the kind of party he wanted.

All right, okay, I screwed up. I'm sorry.

Well, I'm not the one you should be apologizing to.

Huh.

So this was not a fun party, was it?

Not really.

Listen, Harper.

I tried to do something special for you.

It just kind of got away from me.

I'm sorry I ruined your birthday.

[Siren wails]

What the hell is that?

I am El Diablo!

I can pee wherever I want to!

And tasers don't affect me!

- [Electricity crackling] - [Screams]

Oh! Man!

Daddy!

Are you okay, daddy?

El Diablo has had a rough day.

(Children) Diablo! Diablo! Diablo!

Diablo! Diablo!

Diablo! Diablo!

(Children) Diablo! Diablo! Diablo!

(Junior) Okay, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Thank you. Thank you, children.

El Diablo is available for future birthdays

and bar mitzvahs.

Hey, hey, and the girl ones too.

The bats!

How cool was that?

My Uncle got tasered by the cops in my house.

- Can we do this every year? - Hell yeah.

- Christmas too. - Yes!

Top that, white girl.

Oh! You got lucky this time.

What are you gonna do,

have your Uncle tasered every year?

No, I thought next year, we'd do you.

[taser sound]

Ow! Right on my vaccination!

"Hey, shut up, fool!"

Hello?

Hola?

I... I finished the goat ankle.

Shut up!

- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -