Original subtitles

- That was good. - Yes, it was.

And now I was thinking that perhaps

we can go into the bedroom, where I will give you...

The gift.

- That's what you're calling it now?

- You're the one that complained that "hammer time" was dated.

[Knock on door]

- Are you home, neighbors?

- Hey, Liz.

I thought you had a blind date tonight.

- Well, I was waiting for him at the table.

Then this cute guy comes in the restaurant

and starts checking me out.

He leaves. The next second, my phone rings,

and my date cancels.

If I'd have known that was gonna happen,

I would have made a move on the first guy.

- We gotta find someone for Liz.

- That is impossible.

She's single, desperate, and hopeless.

- Single, desperate, and hopeless... tell me more!

- It's Liz.

- Tell me less.

- She's always been a really good friend.

And I believe there's someone out there for everyone.

- Battle cry of the uggos.

- Look, we are finding someone for Liz, okay?

Because what matters is not how you look,

it's what's inside.

- Oh, boy, I'm glad that's not really true.

Oh, Jeff, I got a flier for a new gym.

First week's free.

Jen's busy today. You wanna come with me?

- Do you still air-dry after you a shower?

- Yeah.

- Do you still think that's an appropriate time to stretch?

- Yeah.

- Then no!

[Computer chimes]

- Ah, simran. So lovely to see you.

- Do you have a minute to talk about ideas

for mom's birthday gift?

- Yes. Give me a sec.

I need to go get a bendy straw

for my boss' chocolate milk.

He's not tall. It's hard for him

to get on top of a straight straw.

- [Sneezes] - God bless you.

Oh, hello.

- Hello! [Chuckles]

- Oh, no. - [Laughs]

I found your porn site, Timmy.

Take your top off.

- No, no, no! Get away!

- No, this is one of the sites

where you get to tell 'em what to do!

Take your top off! - Sir!

That's my sister. - Oh.

Kinky, Timmy. Whatever you're into!

Take your top off.

- You must be Mr. dunbar.

- Oh, you've heard of me! Ha ha!

Lovely to make your acquaintance.

Now about that top... Ow!

- Good-bye, simran.

Sir, that's literally my sister.

And for your information,

she's an associate in a law firm.

- So the sex work's just a hobby?

- She is not a sex worker!

And you can forget that you ever saw her.

- Oh, jeez, relax. She's halfway around the world.

- Yes, she is.

And I forbid you to have any contact with her again.

- Forbid... What am I, a child?

- Of course you're not.

By the way, here's your chocolate milk and bendy straw.

- Yay!

- I'll eat anywhere. You choose.

- Really? You're just gonna say no to everything

until I say Sushi.

- Oh, yeah. Sushi it is.

- Hey, Todd.

- Oh, hi, Audrey. Nice to see you.

And hey, Jeff. Look at my tie.

Mets' colors. You know...

'Cause we both like the mets.

If you don't like it, I'll take it off.

- No, it's fine.

Just calm down. - Can do.

- So how you been?

- Divorced is how I've been.

Finalized last week.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- I used to split sandwiches with Molly.

Now I don't know what to do with the other half.

- Problem solved.

- Hey, you know what would be nice?

- You want the other half? 'Cause he'll give it to me.

- No.

What about if we set up Todd with Liz?

- Has ne not been through enough?

- Come on. This would be a nice thing to do.

And if you're on board, he'll do it.

He idolizes you, for some reason.

- Well, many reasons, Audrey, all valid.

But I don't know.

I'm not seeing what's in it for me.

- Uh, how about this...

Uh, Liz will have someone to spend her time with,

so she won't always be coming down to our...

- Hey, Todd, Audrey's got a gal for you.

- Oh, I don't know if I'm ready yet.

- Oh, come on!

It's time to get back on the horse.

- In this case, quite literally.

- Welcome to Andy's gym. Can I help you?

- Oh, I got your flier, but I think I misunderstood

what kind of gym this was.

So...

[Kids laughing, shouting]

Hey, is that a trampoline?

- Uh-huh.

- [Stifled giggle]

Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

- Anyway, I was thinking that for mom's birthday,

she might like this jade necklace.

- Oh, that's perfect for her.

Classic varsha.

- You're so different from what Timmy described.

- What did he say about me, exactly?

- That you were tiny, selfish, perverted,

old and lazy. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

He said I was tiny? Why would he say that?

I'm actually a pretty big guy.

- Oh, really?

It's so hard to tell on these things.

- I know.

Yeah, let me think about that while I drink

from this completely normal-size coffee cup.

Mmm.

Ooh, I think I might dunk in

a full-size doughnut while I'm at it.

Yeah.

I wish varsha was here. Mmm.

- Hey, Liz. Thanks for coming down.

- Sure.

So did you guys read that kama sutra book I gave you?

I dog-eared some pages I thought

you and Jeff might like.

Hi, Jeff.

- Uh, no. Actually, we were wondering

if you were free tonight.

Jeff and I have someone we'd like to set you up with.

- You want to set me up? Who's the lucky fellow?

- I don't know, but uh...

The guy we're setting you up with is Todd.

- He's nice. I think you're really gonna like him.

- What does he do?

- He works in finance, with Jeff.

- What does he look like?

- Seriously?

- He's very cute. Good-lookin' guy.

- Well, what celebrity do people say he looks like?

- What's going on here?

- People tell me I look like Cameron Diaz

or Reese Witherspoon.

- Well, those people would say that Todd looks like tom cruise.

- Does that mean he's short?

- All right, I'm out.

- Listen, Liz, let's not over-think this, okay?

Just dive in. Take a chance.

- Okay, I will. Let's make it a date.

- There you go. This'll be fun.

- Well, not for the gal that does my waxing.

Let's just say I've let the yard go a bit.

[Jeff groans painfully]

[Groaning]

[Kids laughing, shouting]

[Growls triumphantly]

- Hello, Russell?

- Oh, I didn't see you there.

- You called me.

- Oh, did I? Anyway, I'm just so wrapped up

in 20th century philosophers.

I'm smart.

- What is that award behind you?

- Oh, I didn't mean for you to see that old thing.

- I didn't know you were such a humanitarian.

- Well, I think there's quite a few things

Timmy didn't tell you about me.

- That's not surprising.

He's always been very over-protective of me.

It's really annoying. - Mm.

Well, let me ponder that while I scratch my back.

I've got a little bite back there.

Ahh...

- I didn't realize you were so muscular.

- Aw, I try to keep fit.

- I love your tattoo.

- Oh, yeah, my ink. - What is it of?

- Ah, well, uh, looks like a dragon.

And then there's some symbols from China.

And, you know, I really made a mess of myself, didn't I?

- [Laughs]

- But maybe when Todd gets here,

if you couldn't talk about your cats so much.

You know, guys like a little mystery.

- Oh, okay.

Let him wonder, "how many cats does this sexy gal have?"

- Yeah. And, uh...

And maybe don't talk so much about digestion stuff.

- Another mystery. Let him wonder,

"hey, is this sexy gal regular?"

- Exactly. Yeah, let him wonder.

Oh, here they come.

- Liz, this is Todd.

- Hey, it's my fault we're late.

I've got a nervous stomach,

and my cat spilled my milk of magnesia.

- Enchante.

- It's nice to meet you, Liz.

Sorry my hands are so sweaty.

- Oh, no need to apologize.

I get that with my feet.

- You're so funny, Russell.

- I know.

Rarely to you see that in a wimbledon champ.

- Aha! - Timmy.

- So this is why you sent me out

for fun-size candy bars and baby carrots!

Simran.

Simran, are you all right? Did he hurt you?

- No. I'm fine.

I'm just having fun talking to Russell.

He's not at all the monster you made him out to be.

- Thank you.

- Is that what he tricked you into believing? Well, hmm...

Let's take a look around, then, shall we?

Look. He's literally sitting on a phone book.

- It helps my back.

- And speaking of books,

let me select one of these fine tomes of literature.

- Hey, who glued my tomes together?

- And javier, from shipping...

What's your role in this grim charade?

- Oh, um... I'm his arms.

'Sup, simran?

- You see, he is a liar who is trying

to take advantage of you,

and that is what I've been protecting you from.

- Timmy, I'm a full-grown adult who's capable of making...

- No, I'm sorry, but this is for your own good.

I'm too angry to talk to you right now,

but believe me, this is not over!

- All right, javier...

I'm gonna pay you full price,

even though we didn't get to the part

where you drop trou and show her my junk.

- That wine was fantastic.

It hardly irritated my stomach lining at all.

- Um...Todd,

I don't know if you'd be interested,

but I'm going to a wine tasting tomorrow.

You wanna come?

- I'd love to. Rosacea be damned!

- Oh, a wine tasting. Isn't that great, Jeff?

- I'd be drinking, if I were him.

- Well, I need to pop into the ladies' room.

- Oh, I'll join you.

- Oh...

I think that soup was cream-based. Yikes!

- Boy, she is really something, huh?

- She is. And you're going way above and beyond, buddy.

You didn't have to agree to that wine tasting.

- Why wouldn't I? - We pushed you into this date.

It's nice that you're pretending to like her.

- I didn't think I was pretending.

- Oh.

- Is there a reason I shouldn't like her?

- No. No.

[Quietly] She's great.

- Are... are you sure?

- Yeah. She's great!

I mean, she's got all those cats.

She cleaned her plate there.

Let's... let's have another bottle of wine.

- Hey. - Hey.

- How was the gym?

- Oh, it was a good workout, good snacks.

- Great. Well, maybe I'll come with you tomorrow.

- Oh, um...You know, I don't think it's for you.

It was... It was pretty hardcore.

Another guy and I wanted to use the same equipment,

and he literally threw a tantrum.

- Really?

- Yeah. The dude got a time out.

What a doody-head.

- Come on, say it one more time.

- All right. Todd and Liz make a good match.

They're gonna get married and have an bunch

of weird, gassy kids.

- Come on, admit it...

It feels good to do something nice

for someone, right?

- I guess it does.

And now there's something nice that I'd like to give you.

- What's that?

- The gift of hammer time.

See?

I combined them.

- Okay. All right.

You behaved yourself.

I guess you deserve a little...

[Telephone ringing]

[Audrey on answering machine] We're not in.

Please leave a message. [Beep]

- Audrey, it's me. Something went wrong.

When I got home, Todd called

and cancelled the wine tasting.

It sounded like he was giving me the brush-off.

Call to discuss.

- Everything was going so well.

Did something weird happen

when Liz and I were in the restroom?

- Probably. I mean, she had that cream-based soup.

- You know what I mean.

- Todd asked me what I thought of Liz.

I used all positive words,

but who knows what my face was doing.

- Why did you have to do that?

D... Fix it!

- I will.

Right after we... [Door slams]

Or before.

[Computer chimes]

- Simran... What are you doing?

- I had to ask.

Why did you go ahead and do all those things

to try to fool me?

- Ehh...I just didn't want you to believe

all that stuff Timmy said.

I wanted to impress you because you're this exotic girl

that lives halfway around the world.

- I get that.

I kind of misled you too about something.

- You're not a dude, are you?

Oh, I can't go through that again.

- No. It's... It's this.

- Whoa. India looks a lot like America.

- I'm in Chicago.

Timmy forbade me from telling you.

He said he was nervous about us being

on the same continent.

- Oh, now, did he? [Chuckles]

Well, he sh...

- What are you doing on your computer?

- [Chuckles] Nothing. I'm...

- [Sensually] Oh...Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's it, baby.

Ooh...Oh...

- I'm watching porn.

Filthy, dirty porn. Do you want to take a look?

- No, no, no. I don't need to see that.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

- No, no, you might like it.

- Mmm...Oh...

[Whispering] Is he gone yet?

- [Whispering] No. Keep going.

- Hi. Can I help you?

- I'm not sure.

Is this Andy's gym? - Yes.

- Oh, I got an emergency call about my fiance.

- Oh, you must be here for Adam.

He got stuck.

[Shouting and laughing]

- Which one is yours?

- I'd rather not say.

- There's the big guy! - Hey, Todd.

I wanted to talk to you. - I wanted to talk to you

and thank you for putting the brakes on me with Liz.

- No, no, no. Now, that's the thing.

I didn't mean to do that.

- Oh, come on, Jeff, I know you.

I mean, I study you.

The things you say, the way you move.

- Really?

- I got your message.

- I don't think that you did.

See, what I was trying to say

was that Liz is a special lady.

I think you two would hit it off.

- I'm confused.

It seems like you're hiding something.

I mean, your words are saying one thing,

but your body...

- Stop looking at my body.

Listen to my words. I was hiding something,

and here it is.

Uh, from what I understand...

Liz is an animal in the sack.

- She's what?

- Please don't make me say it again.

- Well, you fixed it.

Liz was in a great mood when I talked to her.

We have one very happy upstairs neighbor.

- So then my choice not to be wearing

any sort of pants at all right now...

Was a good one.

- Well, it'll make this go that much quicker.

- Mmm... - [Chuckle]

- Oh, yeah. - Huh, huh...

[Passionate moans]

- Oh, yes!

Oh, that's...

[Grunts]

Ow. - Ow. Sorry.

- We're done here, right? - Oh, yeah.

- And, uh, I do understand you're an adult,

so I'll stop trying so hard to protect you.

- Thank you, Timmy.

And I do know your heart is always in the right place.

- Good.

Good. I'm glad we talked. This makes me very happy.

- It makes me happy too.

- Yes, my friend Russell came to Chicago to visit.

We're about to go out and see the sights.

Let's go. - Okay.

Hey, why don't you throw on a skirt.

We'll find out if this is really the windy city.

[Lewd chuckle] - Russell!

- I'm just kidding.

[Whispering] I'm not kidding.

- Nooooo!

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