All language subtitles for Rules of Engagement s05e02 The Bank.eng

Good morning, Timmy.

Oh, Allison, a very good
morning to you as well.

Do you happen to know
if this coffee is fresh?

If it were any fresher,
you'd have to slap it. Ha.

That's funny.
Indeed.

Anyway, guess I'll
see you around.

Yes.

And I wish you
a peaceful Tuesday.

Peaceful?

To offset the influence
of mars, the God of war,

for whom Tuesday
is in fact named.

Huh.

How 'bout that?

Wow, you hit her with
the origin of Tuesday,

And she's still not naked.

Oh, you're here.

Clearly the shuttle
to and from hell

is back up and running.

Rough way to treat
your mentor.

Gum?
No thanks.

No, I mean, gum.

So, uh, you likey
the new girl.

What would make you
say that, sir?

Well, please, your goggles
are all fogged up,

and you were smiling so big

you looked like
the Cleveland indians' mascot.

Now then,

I do admit to being
quite taken by Allison.

She has a certain something

I can't quite
put my finger on.

Ah, well,
she's not gonna let you

put your finger on it
if you keep with

the days of the week
fun facts coming.

Sir, not every
romantic interaction

begins with,
"you're not a cop, are you?"

Listen, as your mentor--
you're not my mentor.

As your mentor,

if you want to bag Allison,

you gotta step into it
a little bit, you know?

Notch up the offensive.

I'm not trying
to bag Allison, sir.

I am trying
to lay the groundwork

for a meaningful
relationship.

Dude...

Both: Groundwork's all
you'll be laying.

Good one.

Listen, I know chicks
like this,

and they're all librarian
on the outside.

But inside there's
a sexy ViXen

waiting for you to bust her
out of her cage.

Save your breath, sir.

I'd much sooner
take romantic advice

from Mr. eldrick "tiger" Woods.

Ouch.

If I've offended you,
I apologize.

Which might in fact
be an opening

for you to apologize for
all your offensive comments

aimed at me.

Hmm? No?
Didn't think so.

Ha-ha!

Hey, what are you doing
at Timmy's computer?

I'm sending an email
to that new chick from Timmy.

But Timmy's not here.

Has anyone ever successfully
explained something to you?

Ha, lots of times.

Great.

Okay, I'm sending it
as Timmy

because he doesn't know
how to close the deal.

So as his mentor--

uh, you're not
his mentor.

I'm his mentor, all right!

I'm giving him a little
poetic assistance.

"And lick
the vanilla icing

off your sweet rack"?

I wanted to go romantic.

♪ How many ways
to say I love you? ♪

♪ how many ways to say
that I'm not scared ♪

♪ with you by my side ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪

♪ that I can't wait
for me and you ♪

Mmm.
Oh, jeez.

Oh, by the way,

I found my other
rollerblade,

so you can disregard
my email.

You'll never guess
where I found it.

I never will.

Look, you and I
have hung out a lot today.

Oh.
So...

Can I finish my beer?

How much is left?

It's, like, less than half.

Fine.

Hey, Jeff, I'm on hold
with the people

from that pilates studio.

They say I'm not signed up
for my class.

You mailed that check,
right?

Oh, jeez, no.
I'm sorry, Aud.

It's right over here.

How could you forget that?

It was weeks ago.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Um, I owe you an apology.

Oh, man, looks like
doghouse city for you.

Oh, I'm gonna be fine.
How do you figure, man?

Audrey had
the same look jenn had

when she found my rollerblade
in her bubble bath.

See, whenever aud
screws up,

instead of getting mad
and shoving it in her face,

I just deposit it
into this handy file.

The bank.

The bank?
That's right.

Then when I screw up,

I withdraw
one of her old screwups

to neutralize her anger.

Seems kind of petty
and manipulative.

Thanks.

Great, you didn't mail
that check,

and now there are no more spots
left in the class.

Bet you never forget
to mail a check

to the beer of the month club,
do you?

First of all,
I have that on autopay,

and, you know,
I said I was sorry.

And people forget things.

I mean, just by way
of random example,

uh, a few weeks ago,

you forgot to return
that mamma Mia! DVD.

By the time we found it
in the couch cushions,

we owned it.

For 80 bucks.

Well, that was--

a similar incident, sure.

But I only bring it up to show
that people aren't perfect.

Well, that's true.

I don't think
I even got mad at you.

No, you were actually
pretty understanding.

So I guess this is, like,

a teachable moment.

You're right.
I'm sorry I got upset.

Apology accepted.

Anyway, I'm going
to the dry cleaners.

You want me to pick you up
a pizza?

I'll end the suspense.

Yes.

Bye.

She--
she stopped being mad,

and she's gonna
get you a pizza?

Thank you for banking with us,
Mr. Bingham.

Oh, man, I gotta
try this with jenn.

Well, I'm glad
I could help.

Anyways, um...

I think we both know
what this means.

Ah, good morning,
my paid friend.

Yes, I'll just note

that 2:15 is now part
of the morning.

So make any progress
with Allison, Hmm?

She give you a shout-out
on the old email machine, Hmm?

No.

Really?

Yes.

And before you tell me
to notch up the offensive

or step into it

or put something on a rag
and make her smell it...

I've got it under control.

Oh, fine.

Far be it from me
to get involved.

Yes, it be far.

Well, I'm gonna take
a little break.

You've certainly earned it.

But make sure
you're back by 3:10

or you'll miss
quitting time.

Oh, hey there.

Allison is it?

Uh, right.
Hello, Mr. Dunbar.

Hey there.

I don't think I've
given you my official

"welcome to the company."

I have mace.

Jeez, relax.

Sorry.

It's just,
I've heard some stories.

Oh, yeah?

Well, some of them are
probably exaggerated

for all you know.

So having a little tea?

Yes.

You know,
speaking of tea,

it usually comes
from faraway places,

like asia,

and darker in color
than, say, milk.

You know my assistant
Timmy, right?

I'm familiar
with his work.

I think he likes you.

O.M.G. Alert.

Yes, he's made that
abundantly clear.

Ah.

Well, do you like him?
[chuckles]

I mean, I know he's
no Tom cruise.

I mean, we know.

He's got the goofy specs,
built like Mr. salty,

but he's a sweet kid.

Well, I thought so, but--

but what?

Well, yesterday,
he sent me this email

that was just so...Shocking.

...Ly good?

...Ly disgusting.

Turns out
he's a total pig.

And an idiot.

Why is he an idiot?

Well, to start,
he spelled "straddle"

with ts instead of ds.

It's ds?

It was like being sexually
harassed by a fourth grader.

Well, maybe when he was
a kid he was dyslexic.

His parents didn't notice
because they were too busy

self-medicating with gin
and cough syrup

using their friends as pawns

in their games
of sexual chess.

Well, that might excuse
his near-literacy.

With that ugly attitude,

he'll never have any sort
of meaningful relationship.

Sorry.

I guess those are tough words
to hear about your friend.

Yeah, my friend.

Hey, hon,
back from the store.

Oh, great, just in time.
Let me have the milk.

Oh, yeah.

You forgot to buy the milk?

I just reminded you, like,
15 minutes ago.

It was the one thing
I asked for.

Oh, yeah?

Well...

How 'bout the time
when we were broken up

and you had sex
with your ex-boyfriend, huh?

What?

Did you actually
just say that?

Yeah.

It shows that we all
make mistakes.

This isn't a teachable
moment, is it?

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ we are the champions ♪

♪ no time for losers ♪

♪ 'cause we are
the champions ♪

♪ of the world ♪

Jeff.

Yeah?

Want in on this?

No, I'm good.

I was just on the computer
trying to cancel

the check I wrote
for that pilates class

when I came upon
a little file

called "bank."

Did you?

Still feel like
the Champion of the world?

A file?

You keep a file
of every mistake

I have made
over the years?

I'm sure I've missed a few.
I'm not perfect.

Oh, my God.

Every time when you were
so understanding,

it was just a ploy.

I learned early on
that if you screwed up

and I called you on it,

you'd just get
even madder at me.

I'd get nothing
out of it.

Why do you have to get
something out of it?

Why can't you just be kind
and understanding?

That would be fine
in a world of fairies

and magic bunnies.

This is marriage
we're talking about.

It's a constant series
of battles

to be won and lost.

How would you feel if
I stored up your screwups, huh?

Like when you forgot
to pick me up at the airport,

or that time you forgot
your credit card

at the strip club.

Well, I mean, first of all,
those are technically

part of the same incident.

And secondly,
it sounds to me

like you do
store those up.

No, I just happen
to remember them.

I don't log them into
my hard drive.

Enjoy the guest room.

You know, you're the one
who's always telling me

that I should write stuff down
so I don't forget it.

You should be proud of me!

[Knock at door]

I think my bank
needs a bailout.

So you sent this email
to a woman,

an actual human woman?

Yeah, dude.

That stuff always
works for me.

Oh, really?

"I want to lick vanilla icing
off your Lady bumps."

That stuff only works

on your particular brand
of skank.

Yeah, don't think
that you can play cupid

just 'cause you're
the same height.

I'm sorry, is this
coming from two guys

who spent last night
spooning on a couch

'cause their chicks
gave them the boot?

We were not spooning, okay.

Jeff was in the guest room,
and I was on the couch.

Till about 4:00 A.M.

I heard a noise!
I got scared!

So sad.

Good day there, gents.

Both: Hey.

Hmm, what's that?

"Please join us
for breakfast, Timmy."

Thanks ever so much
for asking,

but I can't.

You see, the thing is,

this is the morning
I make my move

on the enchanting Allison.

Hmm.

How's that work?
What do you do?

Visit the father's hut,
swing a chicken around?

No.

I am bringing her something
that comes close

to matching her
in sweetness.

A cupcake.

Uh, chocolate?

Vanilla.

Well then,
wish me luck.

Hmm, no? Nothing?

That's fine.
Silent prayers then.

Dude, he got her
a vanilla cupcake.

It's too perfect.

No, it's not perfect, man.
You gotta stop him.

Yeah, he's walking into
a buzz saw.

All right,
you guys are probably right.

This could be the most
humiliating experience

of his life.

I should stop it.
I'm responsible.

I gotta be the one--
yay, pancakes!

[Knock at door]

Knock, knock.

Timmy.

I bring sweets
for the sweet.

Oh, I thought
if I ignored you,

you'd get the message,
but apparently not.

Have I done something
to offend you?

Really?

You have no idea
about the poem you emailed me

titled points of entry?

Allison, I didn't
send you any email.

Then what's this?

[Typing]

Mr. Dunbar.

What about him?

He sent that.

You have to believe me.

Why should I?

Allison, I was first
in my class at Oxford.

Do you really think
I'd spell "pelvis"

with two ls?

I guess not.

And I did think
it was odd

that you misspelled
"finish."

No, that's actually
correct.

It refers to an apparatus
he ordered from Finland.

But I assure you,
I would never disrespect you

or any other woman
with this kind of language.

It's such a relief
to know that you're still

the charming gentleman
I thought you were.

And an even greater relief
to hear you call me charming.

Well, you are.

I mean, you're certainly
not the kind of person

that would want
to watch me do this...

[Chuckles]
With a jar of that.

Goodness no.

Um...

And, you know, I'm certainly
far too refined

to even suggest
that we try that.

How can you even do that?

That's what the Helsinki
harness is for.

But if we were
to complete that act,

one can see how it would
segue very nicely into, uh--

oh, into that right there
in all caps.

It all seems so forbidden

and naughty.

Naughty indeed.

Hey, honey.

Hooray.
You're here.

Look, I feel really bad
about last night.

So I brought you
a little something.

That's cute.

Okay, look, I know this
doesn't make up

for what I said.

But I thought it might
get us 2% closer.

You're such a dork.

I'm really sorry.

It was just so harsh
and out of nowhere.

I know.
I mean, see, Jeff said--

oh, my God, I knew
this smelled like him.

You know, lately
so does the elevator.

Look, we don't need any
of his relationship tricks.

I know,
and to be honest,

I'm not even upset
that you slept with Serge

the time we broke up.

Well, you shouldn't be.

Yeah, and I have got

no right to complain

because that week
I slept with my ex

and her friend.

Oh, look, we have another
carton right here in the door.

Brain fart.

Well, I'd like the apartment
to be bigger too,

but I don't think
that's gonna do it.

I'm stretching.

Something I was hoping
to do in pilates.

Speaking of which.

You got me into the class?
I did.

It was totally full.
How'd you do that?

You know anything
about scoliosis?

No.

Well, read up,

'cause the pilates people
think you have it.

Are you still mad about...

No, I'm not mad.

I'm just disappointed.

I don't want to be a couple
who fights like that,

all calculating,
storing stuff up,

using it later.

Tell you what,
how 'bout from now on--

oh, I agree,
no more fighting.

Well, that's a little
pie in the sky.

I was gonna say,
how 'bout we just fight

about what we're fighting
about at the time.

Okay.

Let's start by deleting
the bank.

All right, and I'll
get rid of this too.

You printed it out?

Look, you know what,
you gotta have backup

of all your important files.

Let's just say
that the computer crashes,

what, are we gonna not fight?

Oh, you've been saving
this stuff up

since I spilled gravy
on your tuxedo?

I wasn't gonna yell at you
on our wedding day.

August '98,
dropped new camera

into the Grand Canyon.

'Cause you wouldn't wear
the strap

'cause it clashed
with your stupid purse.

Is what I didn't say
at the time.

June '06, paid for
insurance on rental car

when credit card
covered anyway.

January '09, asked for
a bite of my sandwich,

took three.

We have had
some good times.

Yes, we have.

You know, maybe we
shouldn't destroy this.

No?

I mean, we don't take
a lot of pictures.

Camera. Grand Canyon.

Right.

It's pretty much
the only record

of our life together.

A scrapbook of our marriage.

Or evidence
for our divorce.

Who knows where this
crazy ride's gonna take us.

Hey, I recorded Gran Torino
in the bedroom.

You want to go watch it?

Yeah, sure.

Oh.

I think my Oprah has
bumped it off the TiVo.

No problem.

We'll watch something else.

I'll be right in.

I'm gonna get some chips.

Okay.

The Office Depot people
never let on

quite how versatile
this baby was.

When they called it
a five-position chair,

I think they missed a few.

Now, I think
it's for the best

if Mr. Dunbar never learns
of the role he played

in prompting this
most recent activity.

We wouldn't want to encourage
his involvement

in our affairs.

Agreed.

In fact, let's just delete
that email right now.

Good idea.

Oh, and Allison...

Print out a copy first?

You read my mind.

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