Original subtitles

Oh, that so good.

My back feels like jelly.

Kinda looks like jelly too.

We can't keep too much chocolate around the house.

Oh, what can I say honey.

I had a great Halloween.

Something not said by most adults.

Okay.

You're half hour's up. time to switch.

My shoulders have been so tight.lately.

Oh, that feels so good.

No, wait. What are you doing?

I think you know.

No, don't stop the massage.

Adam, I'm not holding any tension in those.

Oh!

Ten seconds that massage lasted

bere he started wildly humping me.

You got a whole ten seconds?

What do you mean?

I mean, every man turns a massage into sex

as fast as they can.

Some of Jeff's burps last longer.

Longer than his massages or sex?

Yes.

Well, I'm not buying it.

I refuse to accept that a woman can't get

a simple back rub from the man that she loves.

Uh-huh.

Hey. Doreen. Hmm.

Your husband ever give you a massage?

Sure.

How do you think I got four kids?

♪ How many ways to say I love you ♪

♪ how many ways to say that I'm not scared ♪

♪ with you by my side ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

Hey.

Uh, Russell's not here.

He should be any minute.

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What's your deal?

Um...

How--how do you mean?

I don't know,

you talk one way but you look another, so...

I don't know what's going on.

Mr. Dunbar, over here, please hurry.

What's going on there, c-3po?

Chewbacca.

What's this?

Oh.

This is a cricket video game my cousin sent me

from South Africa.

Why, is it not legal in the U.S.?

You gotta get it on the geek market?

Nothing geeky about it.

Cricket is a tremendously exciting sport.

Sport?

Is it that game that they play

in all those Harry Potter books?

No, actually, that's Quidditch

and you can only play it if you're a witch or a wizard.

And it wasn't in all the books.

It wasn't in the seventh one at all.

And I'm the geek.

I'll have you know,

cricket is among the most popular sports in the world.

The guy on the box is wearing a sweater.

Oh, mommy, I'm playing cricket

and it's ever so chilly.

Well.

I see the ugly American has weighed in.

At about 20 pounds more than

most doctors would recommend.

Kaboom.

I'm sorry that we can't all have

that ropey, underfed look.

A dunk.

Now look, there's a warning.

Not suitable for anyone who wants to get laid.

Windmill jam.

So typical.

You can't do it, so you mock it.

Oh, I could do it.

Hmm.

Well, then, why don't you come on over...

And we'll play?

Oh, I have to see this.

All right, fine,

we'll call it America versus...

Whatever other crappy countries play cricket.

The rest of them.

Are you sure you want to invite

the wrath of God into your home?

Two words:

Bring it.

And come hungry. I'll make kabobs.

Wow. Would you look at him.

How lucky is that mail cart?

Why, you want that guy to push you?

Push, pull, lick, his call.

Oh, my God, I know him.

He interviewed for a position as my assistant last week.

I've got a position I'd like to offer him.

I've got to see him every day?

Hope this isn't gonna be awkward.

Holy crap, look at him.

Does anybody have a razor?

I need to shave my legs.

I'm looking for Tracy sutter.

Oh, that's me.

I won.

I'm Tracy.

These are for you.

Uh, Laura foley.

Ms. Laura foley, single.

Nice to meet you. I'm Ryan.

Let's see I--I know I have something for you here.

I am very excited to...

Receive it.

Hi, Audrey Bingham. We met last week.

I remember.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too, thanks. Mm-hmm.

Bingo!

Well, okay. So it is awkward.

Gonna have to do something

to make things more comfortable between us.

I know what I would do to make things comfortable.

I can make things real comfortable.

Oh, ladies, get a grip.

Hey. Oh, hey.

Feel like trading massages?

Definitely.

I hate reading.

Oh, no, no, no. Today I wanna go first.

Bet you do.

No, I want a real massage for a half hour

with no touching of my bathing suit areas.

But that just leaves the rest.

Look, I like doing all that stuff with you.

Ha, ha, yeah.

But...

I also love a massage.

So today, we're gonna try no sex,

just massage.

I'd rather read.

So what do you wanna do this weekend?

I kind of want to find a fair.

One with corndogs.

You know, Adam,

the best masseuses don't talk to their clients.

They concentrate on giving the massage.

Sorry.

Man on television: And now, back to shark week.

Oh, my God!

You can't do this one thing for me

without the promise of sex?

Well, honey, it doesn't have to be sex-sex.

It could be the other thing.

That's still sex.

Yeah, it is.

God, Ryan keeps giving me dirty looks.

I wish he'd give me something dirty.

Would you stop?

You're at happy hour with your coworkers,

not spring break at senor frog's.

Those were good days.

All right, this is ridiculous.

I'm just gonna go over there and straighten it all out.

Do you mind if I come with?

I'd like to smell him.

Casually mention that

I have a background in burlesque.

No.

Really?

Get me drunk and ask me about Tokyo.

Hi.

Hi.

Listen, um, we're gonna be working together

so I--I'd really like to clear things up.

I feel like you're mad at me because I didn't hire you,

but the thing is, it wasn't anything personal.

It was just there were a lot of good candidates

and I had to make a choice.

I mean, the thing is, you're young, you're smart,

you're nice looking.

You might be in the mail room now,

but trust me, you're gonna go far.

You really think so? No, I know so.

So come on.

Can we just put everything behind us and start fresh?

Well...Okay.

Come on.

Uh, there's my beer.

Oh, hey. Put that on my tab.

That's okay.

Hey, don't argue with the boss.

So how did it go?

All better.

I am such a people person.

He filed a sexual harassment claim?

Yes. Against me?

Yes.

Just this morning, Tracy and Laura--

who I'm pretty sure was

some sort of sex worker in Japan,

tried to coerce him into a game of strip poker.

They weren't mentioned.

You've gotta be kidding me.

No.

I don't do that.

"Unwanted physical interaction.

"Uninvited comments about his appearance.

"Giving him alcohol and implying that

his compliance was tied to his future at the company."

That's my gal.

God, I can't believe I got called into

the human resource director's office.

It's so humiliating.

I know, but you know what else?

I still haven't gotten a massage from Adam.

'Cause that's the same thing.

Why are you getting a massage from Adam?

Clearly, Audrey's the hands-y one around here.

Thank you for your support.

It's just so frustrating.

I mean, I did nothing wrong.

I'm sure if Ryan and I could just talk--

no.

Yeah, everything would be fine.

No, it wouldn't.

Look, this guy is clearly a vindictive type.

Just stay away, let the truth come out.

Look.

I can work this whole thing out.

I'm a people person.

You are?

Yes.

Audrey.

I think we're overlooking a valuable resource here.

We happen to have years of sexual harassment experience

right here with us.

Thanks, Jen, I'll take it from here.

Nice cans, by the way.

The first thing you do is create a gray area.

Harassment likes facts, not doubt.

Next, get your hands on some hush money.

Then go to your dad's office,

tell him you're gonna lay low for a few weeks.

My dad doesn't own the company, Russell.

Then you're totally boned.

But on the bright side, nice cans.

Ooh, that was a wicked googly, if I do say so myself.

Don't "say so" yourself, say real things.

Get set, here comes an absolute jaffa.

Oh, swing and a miss!

How was that? You're out for a duck.

Yeah, you're out for a duck.

You don't even know what that means.

I know I'm not out for a duck.

Well.

I don't think we need to continue this.

Sorry, America, but it looks as though

the rest of the world has triumphed.

You've brought so much shame to our country.

But playing this video game proves nothing.

It's not like we're playing the actual game.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're saying you would beat me

if we played a real game of cricket.

If it involves a bat and a ball

and even a hint of testosterone,

I win, you lose.

I'll have you know that back home in South Africa,

I was such a fast bowler,

I was known as the cape town express.

Sounds like a stomach virus I had.

All right, here's a thought.

Timmy, you're a dork who actually owns cricket equipment.

Jeff, you're a stubborn blockhead

who would actually play him.

I'd play him. As would I.

Well, this works out perfectly then.

You two are idiots and I'm bored.

Let's do this.

Then it's decided. Yes, it is.

We'll take this outside and settle it like men.

Great. Where are we gonna get the men?

We should go? Okay.

Are you ready for a totally legitimate

and completely nonsexual massage?

Yes, I am.

I can't believe you did all this.

Well, I realized you were right.

And I want to make up for all the massages

that I hadn't given you.

I even researched some great techniques.

Really?

Yeah.

And you know how much I hate to read.

Here it goes.

Is that okay, baby?

Yeah, it's great,

but maybe you could ease up a bit?

Okay.

Is there anything you'd like me to concentrate on?

Not crushing my organs.

Well, what do you think's taking him so long?

Uh, ironing a wrinkle out of his sweater.

Carb loading on crumpets.

Uh...

That's all I got.

Let's do this.

Shall we?

This is based on a Japanese technique.

I think it's called reiki or " wreck-you."

Feels like the second one.

Now this is gonna be amazing.

Ooh! Son of a whore!

Why?

Time for the stomach massage.

Please don't.

No, baby, I insist.

Now this will help with digestion.

You may feel the urge to urinate,

but that's normal.

What are you doing?

Do you have tension in those?

No, I just have to have you.

No, but honey, I felt some kidney--

no.

Okay, so I'm going to give you

three chances to get a hit off me.

Now to approximate the size of the cricket field,

we'll use the homeless man to the South

and the shopping cart with the old chicken carcass

to the East.

So. Let's play.

Uh, shall we wait for the South boundary

to finish taking a leak?

I think we have that kind of time.

Let's go. You ready?

To hit a ball with the stick?

I think so.

All right. Here we go.

Big hit, huh?

Come on now.

Oh-ho!

Nice swing, Lou "gayrig."

Dude, you're gonna get struck out

by scooter from the muppets.

This one. This one counts.

Ooh.

Right in the googlies.

You were right.

Cricket is a great game.

Told you.

Wait.

Wait, I didn't come out for a duck.

We just heard what happened with you and Ryan.

Yeah. Can you believe it?

How was he?

Does he smell like the sea?

Oh, my God. Nothing happened.

He is falsely accusing me of something I didn't do.

Well, that doesn't sound like my Ryan.

Yeah.

You know, the bar was the wrong place.

Things were misconstrued, you know?

But I feel like if I just talk to him again--

so then say something.

Yeah, Jeff doesn't think I should.

Well, does Jeff know that Ryan's butt

looks like two twinkies kissin'?

Okay, you know what?

Forget Jeff. I'm gonna fix this.

I am a people person.

You are?

Yes! It is a known thing.

Gosh.

Ryan. Ryan.

Oh, come on.

Ryan, listen, we need to talk.

I'd like to get on the elevator, please.

Yeah. First, just hear me out.

All right, from the first moment I met you,

I liked you.

And this situation has been very hard for me.

Because I have never done anything

to even remotely sexually harass you.

I'm--what the hell?

No.

No. Oh, God, no, no, no!

Don't just stand there, rip my dress off me!

Tear it off! Get it off!

I will give you, it was an unfortunate incident.

Audrey, you exposed yourself.

It was an accident.

You're the first person

to have this type of accident ever.

Ugh. God, this is so unfair.

And you need some more tape on your dress.

I'm gonna have my own claim soon.

Sorry.

The good news is, because of your spotless record

and no prior flashings,

all you have to do is apologize to Ryan.

I most certainly will not.

He is the one who should be apologizing to me.

I know, it seems unfair.

But it won't go on your record

if you apologize and take a brief suspension.

Oh-- I couldn't care less.

You put it on my record. I did nothing wrong.

Audrey. No, no.

I am standing up for what is right here.

I am a people person, you jerk.

Your suspension is with pay.

I am very sorry that I created

a hostile work environment for you.

Thank you.

I'll be back in a week.

Aloha.

I mean, good-bye.

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