Original subtitles

What would you give me

if I put this whole waffle in my mouth?

An uncontested divorce.

Oh, God.

What, are you, uh, getting in shape for ice-dancing season?

No. No, I mean, these things are sweet, man.

You get places faster, save money on cabs,

and, actually, it's good exercise.

Yeah, it's fantastic.

We can't walk together, and he always smells.

You should get a pair.

I could say the same about you.

I'm just saying, man, we could blade together this weekend.

Mm, actually, we're going to Nebraska this weekend.

Or else I totally would have.

We're going to my high-school reunion.

Jeff finally get a good deal on airfare?

We're leaving at 5:00 A.M., connecting through calgary.

Hey, I offered her a nonstop,

but queen Audrey here's too good for greyhound.

Anyway, I couldn't make it to my ten-year reunion,

so I'm really looking forward to this one.

It'll be nice to go back as an adult,

'cause you know High School.

I never felt like I was as good as everybody else.

Oh, of course you were.

Well, how do you know? You weren't there.

You really think you need to protect that brain?

I finally feel like I'm in a good place.

You know, living in a great city, I have a great career,

I have a... Marriage.

Yeah, so now you get to go rub that in their faces.

Oh, no, no, it's not about rubbing anything

in anyone's face.

I mean, I won't have to. I'm sure they've already heard.

It's just about, you know, reconnecting with old friends.

And sprinting through the calgary airport.

Our layover is four minutes.

♪ How many ways to say I love you? ♪

♪ how many ways to say that I'm not scared? ♪

♪ with you by my side ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

Okay, thank you.

Sir, I've just booked

your massage for this afternoon.

Did you check her license?

Yes.

She doesn't have one.

Well, this afternoon ain't gonna help her get one.

[Chuckles]

Now, if there's nothing else...

One more thing, Timmy. Yes, sir. Am I fired?

No, I was just checking my "skedge,"

and I'm free tonight.

What say you and I go out, get some steaks,

Martinis, and see where the night takes us?

While I appreciate

your hopefully unintentional homoerotic invitation,

I'm otherwise engaged.

Um, with what?

If you must know, I'm having a dinner party.

Mm. Sounds lame.

And, honestly, I can't make it.

I'm booked solid

but you just said that you had no--

nothing.

Never mind.

You're not invited anyway.

Uh, just out of curiosity,

um, why wouldn't I be invited, hypothetically?

Oh, it's not hypothetical. You're literally not invited.

I can't believe you skated over a subway grate.

What were you thinking?

I wasn't thinking.

I was on a blader's high.

Ooh, nothing douchey about that.

So what say the three of us go out tonight--

grab some steaks, some Martinis,

and see where the night takes us?

Is he hitting on us?

We're going out, just the two of us.

Why do you want to hang out with us anyway, huh?

I mean, shouldn't you be out trolling for skanks?

Yes, but I had a little, uh, problem

while manscaping,

and, uh, I got to close up shop

till things get back to normal down there.

Why don't you spend some time by yourself?

Doing what?

Go for a walk.

Where am I going?

I don't know.

Just go until your ankle bracelet starts beeping

and turn around.

So I just walk aimlessly around the city?

Yes.

And then how do I know when I'm finished?

Oh, my God.

Jen, Jen, you're-- you're wasting your time.

Russell can't be alone.

What are you talking about? I love being alone.

In fact, I'm gonna go be alone right now.

[Door closes]

Who wants to come?

Ah.

Why do you keep doing that?

My ears still haven't popped from the flight.

Knock it off. You look crazy.

Sorry. I know you want to impress

all of your old classmates.

Yes, by not having a special-needs husband.

Hey, I had a special need on the flight,

but queen Audrey's too good to reach under my blanket.

Shh. There was someone ttinus.

Not on the calgary-omaha leg.

Oh, there's Cheryl. She was one of my best friends.

We were cheerleaders together.

What'd she cheer for-- more ribs?

Be nice.

These are good people.

Cheryl. How are you?

Audrey. Hi. Good to see you.

Oh, great to see you. It's been so long.

Yeah. It is something.

Would you excuse me?

I need to go make some more name tags.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure.

Well, we'll catch up later.

That was a reunion of best friends?

Pretty weak.

Oh, yeah.

At your reunion, your old friend rube

greeted you by implying that he continues

a sexual relationship with your mother.

[Laughing]

My mom could do a lot worse than that crazy bastard.

Look, I'm just saying, Cheryl was probably

a little intimidated by me,

'cause I made it out of here and moved to the big city.

Now, I bet we'll see a lot of that tonight,

so let's try to be a little sensitive to it.

You got it. If...

Gonna ask for something on the flight home?

You got it.

Matt.

Audrey! Hi.

Wow.

Oh. You look great.

Oh, thanks.

This is my wife, Laurie.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

This is my husband, Jeff.

Hi. How are you?

Audrey and I were on debate team, and she was good.

No matter how logical your argument was,

she could always argue the opposite position.

You don't say.

So, uh, what have you been up to?

I heard you guys live in New York.

Oh, yeah, but, you know, no big deal.

Oh, I love New York.

I wish we could get there more.

Oh, hey, there's nothing wrong with right here.

Yeah, but it just kills me to know that our apartment's

just sitting there, empty.

Sitting where empty? Oh, New York.

You have an apartment in New York?

Well, it's just a little three-bedroom

on central park South.

Holy crap.

We can't even afford to walk on central park South.

[Laughs] He's kidding.

We can walk there.

And could you imagine having a third bedroom?

Uh, well, we--we do have that alcove/den area.

And an inflatable mattress.

So it's really like having a third bedroom.

No, we popped that mattress, remember?

The time we threw down on it.

The neighbor downstairs--

uh, he got nervous that a gun went off.

[Laughs]

Anyway, wow, it's great seeing you.

[Chuckles]

Well, they seem nice.

What are you doing?

We--we can't walk on central park South?

I was just making conversation.

Yeah, a conversation that implies we're squatting

on skid row with a popped air mattress.

Wait a minute.

First, you don't want to rub it

in anybody's face, and now you do?

I don't want to brag about it,

but come on, it's all right to let people know

how well things turned out for me,

but just not by saying it directly, okay?

So just do that. Okay.

Audrey Curtis.

Heather.

Oh, good to see you.

It's actually Audrey Bingham now.

This is my husband, Jeff.

What's up?

I love your suit.

Oh, thanks, I got it at a fancy store,

but on sale, so it's like getting it from a regular store,

so...

We're normal.

Talk to Audrey now.

Hey.

What a delightful surprise, sir.

Hello, Timmy. I hope I'm not intruding.

Oh, not at all. And to what do we owe the pleasure?

Oh, I was just out walking around,

you know, by myself as people do.

And, uh, well, it's a good thing I showed up.

Got room for one more at the least supper?

Actually, sir...

This is Sara.

Ah, Russell. Nice to meet you.

Actually, sir, you've met.

Yeah, I sell sandwiches in the office.

Mm. I'll take your word for it.

Wait!

What are you two doing here?

Why didn't you tell me this was where you were going?

Well, because we knew you couldn't be alone,

and Timmy was afraid you'd actually show up.

Oh, like I have nothing better to do than come over...

Oh.

Well, this is terrific.

It's nice to be here amongst friends.

What stinks?

Actually, sir,

the vindaloo,

which I've been preparing for the last six hours,

is what stinks.

Ooh. Well, set your dial to gratitude,

because I'm about to show you

why it's a good thing I showed up.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna save this party

by airing this mother out.

Don't open the--

[loud crash]

[Car alarm blaring]

Don't open the what?

Who knew that Nebraska shrimp were so fantastic?

Boy, some of my classmates are doing really well--

no divorces, no alcoholics,

no plastic surgeries gone awry.

I'm so happy for everyone.

Oh, my God, there's my old boyfriend Bob.

[Chuckles] Chubby--I win.

He was so in love with me,

and I dumped him right before prom.

I still feel guilty.

All right, this is one guy

I definitely do not want to brag to.

I mean, why throw salt in the wound?

All right.

Has he seen me yet?

Jeff.

Jeff. Jeff--

Bob, hi. Wo

Audrey.

How are you?

I'm doing well. You look great.

Oh, thanks.

So, uh, what have you been up to?

Oh, I own a computer consulting firm with my wife.

She's around here somewhere.

What about you?

Oh, I, uh, live in New York. I'm married.

My husband, Jeff, is right over--

Bob, this is Jeff, my, you know.

Hi, Bob.

Audrey, Jeff, this is my wife, Ellen.

Hi. Whoa.

I was just telling Ellen

about how Audrey was the one that got away.

Oh, Bob, looks like you did just fine.

Dude, d high-five you, but my hands are all shrimpy.

So d-do you two have children?

Three boys. No way, did you adopt?

No, we had them the old-fashioned way.

Ooh, nice snapback, huh?

God, get your smel man foot off the table.

I'm supposed to keep it elevated.

Yuckat least get your gross, dirty sock

out of here. Vindaloo time.

Oh, my God.

I know. I couldn't do that again if I tried.

Well, the vindaloo's ruined.

Why don't I fetch the rice and see if you can score

a three-pointer with your underpants?

Oh, look, it only touched the p part, Timmy.

We can eat around it. Yeah.

Let's eat around the filthy sock.

Me first.

Let's not overreact.

All right, I mean, take a whiff.

Does it really smell any worse?

And seriously, I think the real victim here

is the sock.

[Laughs] You're funny.

I'm funny. Oh, yeah?

Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

She's already into sandwiches.

I am never thinking what you're thinking

no one is!

Everybody just calm down, okay?

We can salvage this.

Ah, yes, the phrase evy host longs to hear.

Sorry. How--how can I help?

Well, the aroma of the garbage

cenly isn't adding to the experience.

I don't know if it's detracting fm it either.

Perhaps you wouldn't mind taking it

to the trash chute down the hall.

You got it, buddy.

Not a problem.

Welcome back, sir. What'd I miss?

See ya. See ya.

You're the man, Bob.

You act like you've never seen a beautiful woman before.

Hey. I see one every day.

She works at that flower shop on our block.

Hey. [sighs]

What's the matter? Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine.

I'm super.

Having a great time.

All right, 'cause if you weren't,

I would remind you I think that you're perfect.

You got noing to prove.

Well, that's sweet, but I don't know

why you're saying that.

I know I have nothing to-- oh, there's Cheryl.

I heard she's still a check-out girl.

I'm gonna go ask her like I don't know

and then make her say it.

Cheryl. Hey.

We didn't get a chance to catch up before.

How are you? And where do you work?

I'm fine, and I'm still a checker at the grocery depot.

Wow. There you go.

Yeah.

So I-I saw your mom recently,

and she said that you work at indoor living magazine.

Oh, yes, it is a great job.

You know what?

By the way, I'm sorry if I was short before.

I just was a little surprised that you wanted to talk to me.

Oh, please,

I am not so successful

that I have forgotten who my friends are.

Oh, no, I mean because I slept with Bob

when you two were going out.

E-excuse me?

Well, I mean, that's why you broke up, right?

No, I broke up with him 'cause I thought I could do better.

So how's that working out for you?

Well, I appreciate you all coming.

Oh. Thanks for inviting us.

Yeah.

Good try, Timmy.

Sara, um...

So sorry things didn't work out as I'd hoped, you know?

Perhaps a rain check?

Yeah, maybe.

We'll see.

[Chuckles]

You don't need the goofy glasses

to read between those lines, do you?

Stee-rike.

Are you mad?

Oh, you'read.

Look, to me, the die was cast when you invitedveryone over

to your shoebox to eat "vindapoo."

But to the extent

that I'm responsible for some of the things--

he's still talking, unbelievable.

Uh, Tim,

it's a little rude to clean up

while you still have guests here.

You're not one of my guests.

Why, sir?

Why on earth would you come here tonight

when I spent so much time, so much energy,

souch effort making it peectly clear

you weren't invid?

Maybe I have trouble being alone.

And why is that my problem?

[Sighs] 'S not.

I just knethatf I, uh...

You know, came or here, you'd let me in.

So I'm really sorry.

Well, I know that wasn't easy for you to say, sir.

[Sighs] And know that your intentions weren't malicious,

so apology accepted.

Yeah?

That's nice.

Well, let me make it up to you.

How about we get out of here and go somewhere

with air-conditioning, and I'll buy you a drink?

All right. I'd appreciate that.

Okay, then.

Let's have a little fun, forget about this crazy...

Oh, come on!

Aah!

What are you in the mood for?

Your call, sir.

I just found out that while Bob and I were dating,

he was sleeping with Cheryl.

No!

Come on, bobber,

you're better than that.

This is unbelievable. I know, right?

I mean, from you to Cheryl to his wife.

I mean...

The guy's got range.

Why don't these people get it?

Calm down, Audrey. I'm not gonna calm down.

I got out of this jerkwater burg, and they didn't.

I wanted them all to be miserable and broken,

but, no,hey had to be happy and satisfied with their lives.

Oh, for God's sake,

my old boyfriend has a wife that I would do.

Look, who cares what any of these people think?

I love you.

And isn't that all that really m--

oh, save it.

I just wanted to come back a winner.

It's like everybody's a winner except me.

Sure makes the husband feel good.

I'm sorry.

I know you're trying, and I appreciate it, but let's go.

Everyone get out your raffle tickets.

It's time to give away the big prize.

And the winning number is...

2-7-4.

274--it's you.

You won. What?

Yeah. Go on up there. I did? I won?

The winner is Audrey Bingham.

[Applause] I'm the winner.

[Laughing]

What did I win?

Well, I think we're all gonna be

pretty jealous of you.

Really? That's fantastic.

Thanks to the generosity of Matt and Laurie morrison,

you're gonna spend a glamorous weekend

in their beautiful three-bedroom apartment in New York City.

[Applause] Oh, my God!

Central park South! Whoo!

Yeah!

Come on! Oh!

Jeff, I'm not comfortable with this.

Comfortable? This is central park South.

It doesn't get more comfortable than this.

No, I mean, it's--it's their apartment,

and Matt and laurie-- rule. They totally rule.

They got a bidet, steam shower,

a fantastic view of the poor people.

I don't think I could enjoy myself here all weekend.

All right? Come on, we're out of here.

Okay, I'll see you Sunday at 7:00.

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