Original subtitles

[Upbeat music]

Timmy, it's fantastic.

Oh, yeah, Timmy, this is, like, the coolest

wedding website I've ever seen,

and I've seen four.

Oh.

Ah, well, there she is,

the nard-crusher 2000.

Adam, you didn't tell me

it was bring-a-hobbit-to-work day.

Hm, hm, hm.

Enough with the pleasantries. What are you doing here?

Timmy built us a wedding website,

so we could keep our friends updated on our plans.

Yes. It's called Adam and Jen's big day.Com.

Two losers and a cake dot lame wasn't available?

All right, let's see what we have here.

"This is our story.

"This is the proposal.

This is the happiest day of my life."

Oh, I don't remember that one.

No, this is the happiest day of my life. [laughs]

Timmy, I have hours of mocking in front of me.

Hold all my calls.

No one calls you, sir.

Let me check this out.

"Jennifer, so soft and warm,

"on my arm,

"my lucky charm...

[Laughing]

My chicken parm!"

Oh, my God, it's a poem!

This dude wrote a poem! Ah, ha, ha!

He's like a gay Walt Whitman.

[Laughs]

Walt Whitman was gay.

Not this gay.

♪ How many ways to say I love you ♪

♪ how many ways to say that I'm not scared ♪

♪ with you by my side ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

[upbeat music]

Hey.

[Downcast] Hey.

What's wrong?

Oh, did they not have that soup I like?

No, I'm bummed 'cause we just met

with another surrogate,

and we're just having no luck.

I didn't know you guys were getting a surrogate.

Yes, you did.

I told you after the last in vitro didn't take,

we were gonna look into surrogacy.

Are you sure it was me?

Yes.

It was right in this booth.

You'd just come from having a haircut,

and I was--

oh! Yes, I remember.

You said my hair looked really cute,

kind of like Megan Fox,

and I said that's what I was going for,

and then you were telling me about how you were thinking--

you cannot recall one thing about the surrogacy,

but you got the whole haircut transcript?

Megan Fox.

It's not un-hot.

We've been meeting with these different women,

and you just-- you know instantly

you don't want them carrying your baby.

Yeah, the last one was too short.

Not my type.

Jeff, you do know

you don't get to have sex with the surrogate.

Uh, you're not hearing me.

I don't want to.

[Mouths words]

It doesn't matter anyway.

I'm starting to give up hope we'll ever find anybody.

Oh, my cousin used a surrogate

and just loved her. Went on and on about her.

I could get her number.

This just occurred to you now?

I'm sorry, Audrey.

Sometimes I'm not a good listener.

I told you I'm not the only one spacing out

during your stories.

You gotta pick up the pace.

You know, some of these websites

have little mottos.

Maybe ours should have one.

Uh...

Well, what kind of motto?

Well, this one says,

"a day of love, an eternity of loving."

Wow, that's great.

You know, honey, I don't even want to try to top that.

You don't seem as into the website

as you were before.

I just feel like it's kind of played, yo.

You know, I mean...

I mean, everyone's just like...

Just a little burnt out over it.

It's been up for six hours.

This is about Russell, isn't it?

Of course, it is. Honey, he never stops.

I mean, all day, I was ten seconds away from tears.

Honey, Russell's an immature, pathetic, little troll.

You love our wedding website.

Don't let his stupid comments wreck it for you.

Okay, I'll try.

Now come look.

This morning, I posted that picture of us at the beach,

sharing ice cream cones.

[Keyboard clicks]

Oh, my God! Aah! Aah!

That is not an ice cream cone!

Russell!

Oh, God, you're back.

What took you so long?

I went out to get the doughnuts.

No! God!

No doughnuts!

Why no doughnuts?

I talked to Jen's cousin about the surrogate.

She sounds perfect for us.

Too good for doughnuts.

We can't let her think we eat doughnuts for breakfast.

Audrey, she's gonna be with us for nine months.

It's gonna come out.

Look, I'm really excited about this girl.

She's a college grad,

she comes from a very good family.

[Door buzzer]

Oh, uh, that's her.

Okay. Please, Jeff,

I want this so badly.

Let's give it our best shot, 'kay?

Hey, I already gave it my best shot

into that cup at the clinic.

That's doughnut humor. Is it?

Ahem.

Hi. I'm Pam Nelson.

Oh, hi. Audrey Bingham. So nice to meet you.

This is my husband, Jeff.

Pleasure. Hi, there.

Wow. You have a beautiful apartment.

Oh, thank you. And doughnut-free.

Please, have a seat.

So I understand you guys are interested

in leasing out my uterus.

Just kidding.

It's a little surrogate joke.

Oh, ha! [laughing]

That's so funny.

Isn't that funny?

Tell us another surrogate joke.

I really only have the one.

It's one more than that short gal out in Jersey.

So here's my deal.

I've carried one child so far,

and it was amazing.

I felt like I was giving

such a wonderful gift to that family

that I just really want to do it again.

Oh, that's a beautiful story.

Wow. Yes, it was,

and not to mention, tight, to the point.

It's the kind of story someone might remember.

So is there anything else

you guys would like to know about me?

Well, in regards to your health history, uh...

Jeff, a little personal, isn't it?

I love your shirt.

Where did you get it?

Yeah, that's more of what we need to know.

[Laughing]

I like you guys.

You're kidding.

At the risk of sounding a little nutty,

I get vibes from people,

and, uh, I feel very comfortable around you.

Did you hear that?

I'm sitting here closer to her than you.

Right. Okay,

so what's the next step?

Well, to be honest,

um, there is another couple in the mix.

And I've met with them,

and I really like them too.

Really? Let me ask you this.

Did the other couple provide any kind of snack

or a baked good?

Just some water.

Oh, my God, we have that. How much do you want?

No, I--I'm fine. Thank you, though.

Um, so once we're finished here,

I'm gonna go home,

I'm gonna think about everyone,

and then I'm gonna let everybody know

my decision tomorrow, if that's okay with you.

That would be fine.

No, pick us now.

[Upbeat music]

All right, listen up.

Now that website was dedicated

to the most important day of Jen's and my life.

And you are gonna stop your stupid, tasteless jokes.

You got that?

I'm sorry.

I was just kidding around,

but if I went too far, I apologize.

I didn't mean to upset you.

Well...

That's okay.

Uh, apology accepted.

Actually, I've decided

I'm gonna help you spread the joy of your website

with as many people as possible.

Especially after seeing this new video

that Jen just posted.

What new video?

[Chuckles]

It's literally my favorite thing ever.

What did--

no. No, she posted that?

I thought I erased it.

Ha, ha! Well, you didn't,

and you should have.

[Playing guitar]

♪ Something inside me makes me love you ♪

it's nice.

♪ Baby, give me all you got ♪

a little greedy.

♪ When you put ♪

♪ your love inside me ♪

♪ it always hits my special spot ♪

[keyboard clicks]

No! No! My--my heart!

My special spot is my heart!

I'm sure that's what everyone

I emailed it to thinks.

You know what?

I don't give a crap about what anybody thinks.

I am proud of everything on that website,

and you are not gonna ruin it for me.

Well done in there, Mr. Rhodes.

The way you stood up to Mr. Dunbar's bullying

will make Jennifer proud.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, Mr. Rhodes?

I have some mail for you.

Should I put it on your desk

or in your special spot?

Take it down.

I'm sorry?

The website...

Crash it.

Crash it hard.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

well, this really was a pleasure.

Well, for us too.

And thank you for all the water.

I'll think of you every time I pee.

[Laughing]

Hilarious.

Okay. Bye, funny Pam.

Oh, my God, she's the greatest.

Don't you think--

how did you get those so fast?

You're already through one?

Yeah.

One.

Anyway, how was I?

Some of your comments were a bit...

Needy.

Like what?

Well, when you likened her uterus to a cathedral.

I was nervous.

Is that why you did those 17 lady push-ups?

No.

I wanted to show her how strong my eggs were.

I'm not sure that was the takeaway.

Oh, God, it was a disaster!

She's gonna pick the other people!

There's got to be something else we can do.

Well...

The doughnut ship has sailed.

Hey, what if we offer her more money?

You know, grease her a little.

We're trying to get a baby,

not a table near a window.

I just...I just want her to pick us!

Being so close makes me realize

how much I want a baby.

Yeah, so do I.

But it's out of our hands.

If it's meant to be, it'll be.

Right? Yeah, yeah.

You're right, you're right.

Maybe it is meant to be.

[Whispering] Hi, Pam, listen,

I'm sorry to call so late,

but if there's anything we can do

to make your decision a little easier,

like, I don't know,

maybe an extra $5,000. [door thuds]

Oh, God. [phone splashes]

[Sighs]

What ya doin'?

Look, I thought that we agreed

to leave this thing alone.

Oh, come on.

How can you be so naive?

Pam's never gonna pick us.

Why do you say that?

You don't even know the other people.

I don't have to! Look at us!

We're not good!

What can we offer a child besides food and shelter?

And with you at the table,

it might just be shelter.

You gotta calm down.

Jeff, we're gonna lose!

Game over. Thanks for playing, binghams.

I see, and you thought another five grand

would even the playing field.

I don't know.

But it's better than,

[imitating jeff] If it's meant to be,

it will be.

There's no need to

drag my velvety baritone through the mud.

And for the record,

even though I do eat a lot,

I would always leave a little something

for the baby.

Hey, sweetie, what are you doing here?

Oh, our website is down. What?!

Yes, it seems to have crash-- no!

It can't-- it can't be!

How could you let this happen, Timmy?

I mean, be more incompetent next time!

I'm sorry, Mr. Rhodes.

Oh, well. Grab some lunch?

You know, you've never been able to lie to me.

Yes, I have.

That's not true. I haven't.

Did you have something to do with this?

No.

Really?

Damn, you always ask

such good follow-up questions.

Honey, I know the website meant a lot to you,

but you don't have to face Russell every day.

He's so mean.

Why do you let him get to you?

Just ignore him.

Hey, guys, bad day for gayness.

Your website's down.

But luckily not before I was able to print this picture

with some slight modifications.

Oh, my God, you didn't.

I kind of did!

You see that?

He's kneeling down in front of you,

but he's not proposing.

[Laughing]

You're such a dirtbag jackass.

Hey, wait. Whoa, whoa.

Let's keep it professional.

Sir, at the risk of spoiling your fun,

may I remind you

you're running late for your appointment?

Oh, crud. Okay.

Why? What time are you expected

back on the dutch boy can?

Touche. You got me on that one.

Timmy, I need you to hand these out

to everyone in the building

and randomly on the subway on your way home.

Nah-ha.

Well, this is somewhat awkward,

but I do have my marching orders.

Thanks, Timmy.

Fair enough.

There has got to be something

we can do to stop him. But how?

Perhaps I could be of assistance.

You see, what you need here is leverage.

But we have none.

Not at the moment,

but you might gain some if we act quickly.

Okay.

Okay, we'd better help you pass out these flyers

so we can get going.

[Upbeat music]

[Sprayers hissing]

What's that?

Is someone here?

Smile and say "super cheesy."

No! [camera clicking]

No!

No, get out of here!

No!

[Upbeat music]

Okay, so what do you want?

Well, I want you to stop insulting our website,

never print or alter any photos from it,

and don't change the lyrics to our first dance song

to make it sound gay.

[Sighs]

Do what you want,

but every person in our company directory

will see all of these photos,

including this one. Honey?

The caption was my idea.

"Must be chilly in the tanning booth."

That's not fair.

It was very cold in there.

Nowhere is it that cold.

[Chuckles]

So do we have an agreement?

Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.

Fine. I'll stay away from your stupid website,

all right? You guys happy now?

Yeah. Jen?

You know what, I thought I would be,

but I'm not.

These pictures are too good not to share.

Really?

That would mean the end of our wedding website.

Well, screw the website.

It is kind of gay.

And "send."

There's no way you just really sent that.

Oh, good lord!

I kind of did.

[Upbeat music]

[Blow dryer whirring]

[Blow dryer stops]

You're really still gonna use that?

It's just water.

Toilet water.

Your phone was in a toilet.

I mean, if that's not time to hit the Verizon store,

I don't know what is.

[Cell phone rings]

Oh, look, someone's calling the dry one.

Hello.

Oh, hey. How are you?

Fine. Sure. Come on up.

Who was that?

That's Pam, and she's in the lobby,

and, uh, she's on her way up.

Oh, my God! What do you think she wants?

Wait, how's my hair? It's fine.

Well, yours isn't. You have bed-head.

Oh, my God, what if she finds out I sleep in a bed?

Oh, God!

[Knock at door]

Shh shh!

Hi.

Hi, Pam! Nice to see you.

You too. May I come in?

Sure, of course. Yeah.

Okay, so here's the thing.

Last night, I got a voicemail from a woman.

She didn't say who she was,

and I couldn't recognize her voice,

but she was offering me an additional $5,000

to carry her baby, and I was very disappointed.

Oh.

Do you have any friends who are practical jokers?

I don't.

That's too bad.

You're missing out.

So I went to the other woman, Sandra,

and she swore that she didn't make that call.

So do you have something you'd like to say to me?

Yes.

Uh, I'd like to say that...

I'm disgusted Sandra would stoop to that level.

Well, one of you made the call.

Since nobody wants to admit it,

I don't feel comfortable

offering either of you my services.

Really?

For me, surrogacy is not about the money.

It's about the feeling I get

doing a selfless act for deserving people

who otherwise wouldn't be able to have a child.

But in this case the word deserving

doesn't seem to apply.

So I'm gonna go.

Uh, Pam, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm the one who made the call.

Jeff tried to talk me out of it,

and I wouldn't listen to him.

You don't hear that too often.

I just... I couldn't stand waiting

and not being able to do anything.

But I can't let another couple pay for my mistake.

You should-- you should pick them.

And that's what I'm gonna do.

Take care, Audrey.

Pam, could you wait a minute, please?

Did you see what my wife did?

She came clean,

'cause deep down, she's honest.

It's very deep down,

and sometimes it takes a while

to come to the surface.

Jeff, you-- let me finish.

Did Audrey's screws come loose

in the middle of the night?

You betcha.

You see, the way I see it,

her only crime is wanting it too much,

and somebody who wants it that much

would make a great mom.

A great supplier of a baby to...

Fester up down there in your region.

Well, that was very moving...

Up until "fester."

Look, I truly hope that you guys

have the family that you want someday,

but that doesn't change the fact

that she thought I would

compromise my morals for $5,000.

What if we made it $10,000?

I'd say it's not gonna work.

Okay. I was just--

for Sandra and Dwayne!

Congratulations! You're gonna be new parents!

Oh, my God!

[Laughing]

Okay, bye. Take care.

Hey. How you doing?

Russell Dunbar.

Pam Nelson.

Ah. Do you live in the building, Pam?

No, just doing some business with people who do.

Delightful. [elevator bell rings]

Here we go.

Ahh.

So will this business be bringing you back here much?

Yes, actually, it will.

How fortuitous.

[Apartment door opens]

No!

Is something wrong?

Oh, God, I hope not.

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