Original subtitles

Timmy.

Yes, sir, I have your lunch right here.

Where's my lunch? It's here--right here, sir.

I'm just assembling it.

Daddy's tum-tum needs a sam-sam.

It's coming.

Yeah.

Sooner!

Lunch! Lunch! Lunch!

Honestly, sir, it just won't-- won't be a minute.

Won't be a second, sir. Won't be--on my way.

Blah, blah, blah. Where is it?

My lunch!

Where is it?

Your lunch, sir.

Timmy.

Hmm? Yes?

My, uh, sam-sam has a boo-boo.

Oh, does it, now?

And the chips are much... smaller than usual.

Well, on the brighter side, sir, there are more of them.

Any theories?

Now that you mention it,

I did notice there was a new counterman at the deli.

Perhaps he was a little careless with your sam-sam.

Perhaps.

Well, I'll be sure to give him "what for."

In the meantime, sir,

try to enjoy your lunch.

[Door closes]

[Can hisses]

Timmy!

[Groaning]

Dude, what did you get on your blouse?

Oh, soda pop.

I assumed it was dried-up mace.

No, mace dries clear.

Something's up with Timmy.

Why do you think that?

Because lately my lunch has been a little smashy...

like it's been punched.

Oh, it was a punched sandwich, like they have in France.

You mean a-a pressed sandwich?

Oh, well, clearly you're the expert.

Well, all signs point to Timmy,

but why would he abuse my food?

Shot in the dark-- he hates you?

Um, you're not there every day, you don't know.

I'm there. He hates you.

♪ How many ways to say I love you? ♪

♪ how many ways to say that I'm not scared? ♪

♪ with you by my side ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

Oh, got to go.

Hey, listen, Jeff, for dinner

I'm gonna defrost that thing in the back of the freezer.

You know that thing that was there when we moved in?

Uh, dinner? There's no dinner.

It's Tuesday night. It's your girls' night.

Oh, no, no more girls' night.

The group had pretty much whittled down

to just me and Molly.

And then Molly took that job in Chicago.

I told you this the other night before we went to bed.

Right. I clearly stayed awake

for all of that story.

Tonight just you and I will hang out.

Maybe later we can pull out the paint samples

and finally solve the puzzle of our powder room.

Super.

This is a nightmare.

Hmm. Well, if you need any help,

I really have a good eye for color.

I don't give a crap about the color.

What I want is a girls' night.

Great, I need a credit card and bring some cash for tipping.

Audrey's girls' night.

It's my one free free night.

"Free free night"?

Yeah, it's a free night that I don't have to ask for,

because Audrey's already got plans.

So she's not letting me do something,

so I don't owe her anything.

Boy, I hear this guy,

and I think, "I'll never get married."

Ooh, not so loud.

We don't want the women of New York

all killing themselves.

So what do you do on your free free night?

Whatever the hell I want.

The point is, I get to do it alone.

Now you'll never do it again.

Exactly.

Which is why, for our powder room,

I'm leaning towards the color of my blown-out brains.

I'm not afraid to admit that, you know,

when Jen goes out with her girlfriends,

I miss her.

Wait, Jen has a girls' night out?

Yeah. And he misses--

are we gonna skim over how gay this is?

Just for now. When is it?

Well, actually, she's having one tonight.

Ah, all right, I got to go.

I got-- well, wait.

Yeah, oh, yeah, what was that thing?

When Jen's gone, he misses her.

Oh, right. Gay.

Ha ha!

[Knock on door]

Hey. Hey.

I need to talk to you.

I'm coming in.

Wait, is Audrey not with you?

No, Audrey does not know that I'm here.

Okay, this is weird.

I heard that you're going out with your girlfriends tonight.

Not getting less weird.

I need you to do me a favor. Invite Audrey.

What? Well...

Look, she used to have this weekly girls' night,

but the last one of them just moved away,

and she's really broken up about it, so...

Oh, that's too bad.

But this is a group of friends from college.

Well, Audrey went to college.

Yeah, but we all went to the same college.

I'm not sure she'd be interested.

Oh, well, look,

I know some of her stories can be long-winded,

and they don't always have a point,

and the work talk can be pretty punishing.

Interested.

I'm not sure she'd be interested.

Ah. What, are you kidding?

She's interested as hell.

All right...

What's in this for you?

What are you talking about?

Oh, so you're just doing something

completely unselfish

just out of love for your wife?

Yep.

Nothing in it for you?

No.

I've got nowhere to be.

Okay, but she won't know anybody.

Oh, she'll know you, and she'll know booze.

She'll do fine.

All right, sure, I'll invite her.

Great. Thanks.

And, um, please don't tell her that I asked.

She has trouble making friends,

largely 'cause of me.

I get that.

In fact, when I saw you through the peephole just now,

I almost didn't open the door.

I get that.

Timmy, can I see you for a second?

Yes, sir?

Timmy, you happy here? Enjoying the gig?

Reasonably, sir. Some days are better than others.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Well, I just happened to be looking

at some building surveillance tapes,

and I'm guessing that, uh, this wasn't one

of your better days.

Sir, when I sipped and spit out your iced tea,

I wasn't thinking clearly,

because I'd walked around all day with an apple in my pants.

I was tenderizing the Danish.

Of course, my favorite.

Will that be all, sir?

A couple of bad days in a row, huh, Timmy?

Okay, I admit it-- I can't take it anymore.

The abuse, the exploitation, the ritual humiliation.

It's all part of my new program,

my tough-love approach to management.

Tough love, sir? Sit.

Timmy, I'm like an army drill sergeant.

You hate me when I'm marching you through the rain,

but when you're in the jungle and Charlie's bringing the heat,

you'll thank me for everything I taught you!

The point is, my former assistants

have gone into management, finance, marketing.

Heck, some of them retire comfortably

off the settlement money alone.

In fact, I just got an invite

from my last assistant, Maynard,

to the launch party for his latest project.

What does Maynard do?

Well, he came in here

a sniveling little piece of crap like yourself.

No offense. Tough love.

But after he left, he became a hugely successful

video-game designer.

Really?

Would I lie to you?

With only short breaks for sleeping.

Well, you know what? Come check it out yourself.

You can pick his brain to see what he learned from this job.

[Grunts] Well, at this point, sir, I'll try anything.

One more thing, Timmy.

Oh, dear God, sir, that's not me.

I know. That's me having sex

with the girl on the third floor.

You're not the only one

who knows how to tenderize the old Danish.

[Chuckles]

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, I, uh, defrosted that thing in the freezer,

and it started moving, so...

I figured we'd just order chinese.

What do you like?

We have hunan garden, hunan palace.

Or if you're more in a dragon mood,

we have imperial and twin and--

oh, my God, there's hunan dragon.

Uh, this is your night-- moo shu, sweats, and me?

Why not just wear a t-shirt that says, "I give up"?

Well, I could have gone out

with Jen and her college friends, but--

what do you mean "could have"? That sounds like a great time.

Yeah, well, I just wasn't in the mood to meet new people.

Are you kidding me?

You could be getting in on the ground floor

of a super-fun bunch!

What's going on here?

Nothing. I just want you to have some great ladies

to hang out with.

That's it?

Yeah.

There's nothing in it for you?

Nope.

I've got nowhere to be.

You win. Here's the truth.

Listen, I know how much you used to look forward

to your girls' night out.

And now that you don't have it anymore,

well, you seem a little sad.

But I'm not sad.

Oh, come on, you're dead inside.

Aud, I just want you

to get out there and have some fun--come on.

You know what?

Great. Why not?

All right.

You sure you'll be all right by yourself?

I will manage.

Oh, and go easy on those work stories.

You know, you want to get invited back.

[Indistinct chatter]

Please, God, be the wrong apartment.

Hey, hon.

How did this happen?

Uh, well, we started at Jen's place,

and then everyone wanted to see our apartment, so...

I'm sorry. I thought you'd gone out.

Yeah, I went out to get some supplies.

Ooh, what'd you get?

Hey, quit that! Give me that.

Jen just thought it'd be more fun

if we hung out here.

It's such a hassle to go out.

No, out-- out is fun.

I was just there.

Hey, you guys, we got beer.

You don't have beer. I've got beer.

Oh, look!

Not my tortilla chips!

They're shaped like tiny bowls to hold the salsa.

Salsa, but no guac? Weak, Jeff.

Oh, hey. Get out.

What? Why?

Jen was supposed to take Aud out tonight,

but now they're all over at my place,

dipping my fancy chips into my salsa.

Hey, you are more than welcome to join me

at this party with Russell.

Oh, thanks,

but let's just stick with you getting out of here.

That way I can still salvage my free free night.

Where's the booze?

All we have is watermelon schnapps.

Oh, dear God!

Get some.

What's wrong with your tv?

Well, Jen hooked it up to karaoke,

and now I can't get it back to tv.

Oh, you let a woman mess with your electronics.

That's smart.

Yeah, and you are sitting in my apartment,

begging me for schnapps,

'cause clearly you know how to handle the ladies.

Ugh.

Look around, Timmy, this is all for my former assistant...

A guy very much like yourself...

Except for, instead of video games,

you'll make your mark in whatever a kid from England--

South Africa.

Grew up dreaming about while he was helping out

in his dad's fish-and-chips wagon.

Law firm.

Hey, there he is. Russell!

I'm really jazzed you could make it.

Yeah, of course you are.

Hey, Timmy, this is my old assistant Maynard.

Hello. I was just telling Timmy

that when you came to me from Korea--

Cleveland.

You were greener than snot.

But after a few years of my tough love,

now you're a big deal.

Yes, I am. And I'll tell you,

you did inspire me.

Are you saying that working for Mr. Dunbar

was a good thing?

I can honestly say that tonight

wouldn't have been possible without him.

Ah, ha ha!

Well, I can't take all the credit.

Okay, I'll take all the credit.

Hey, listen, um, can you point out

which of these ladies are paid for?

Uh, I should mingle. Oh.

Arigato.

Still American.

You hear that? Owes it all to me.

Well, that's not exactly what he said.

Well, he kinda did.

I take your point, sir,

but I'm still not sure how working for you

could be a stepping stone to--

boobs ahoy, starboard side.

[Chuckles lustily]

Oh, this is great, huh?

I can't believe I'm blowing my free free night

in a room full of guys who pop a rod

every time they see a robot.

I agree, man. Bot-heads are dorks.

I'm more of a gamer.

Really? Tell me less.

No, now that these programmers

have gotten used to the new platforms, man,

we are--we are living in a golden age of video games.

I would like to be alone with the bar.

"Super martini-o brothers," "pong collins"--

what are these? Theme drinks.

How about a bourbon, straight up?

You mean a pac-manhattan?

How about a bourbon, hold the nerd?

Can I get a water, please?

Water's not gonna get you through this.

[Chuckles] I'm good. It's my party.

Oh, you must be Maynard. Jeff Bingham.

Ah, I'm sticking to water tonight--

lots of socializing to do.

I've got a suite upstairs I probably won't see

till sunrise.

Really?

Here's your water.

So, uh, you into video...

Games?

Lost my room key. Can I get another, please?

No problem, sir. Name?

Maynard.

And your last name?

That matters?

It's Chang.

Why?

Excuse me, I need another room key.

My name is Chang...

Maynard Chang.

Sir, I think I'm going to leave.

What? Why?

Because none of this is making me feel any better

about being in your employ.

[Slurring] You know what would make you feel better?

Throw down a couple of these donkey kongs-mopolitans.

I just don't see how Maynard's success

had anything to do with working for you.

Oh, well, if it wasn't me, then what was it?

Oh, his Ivy league education, his strong work ethic,

his ability to read and capitalize

on prevailing market trends.

That's a reach.

[Dramatic music, cheering]

Quiet! Someone who appreciates me

is about to talk. Thanks, everybody.

Um, I'm thrilled so many fans could make it here tonight.

But you're not here to see me.

You're here to see my new game.

[Cheers and applause]

What a bunch of palm jockeys.

Here we go.

In a world of demons, dragons, and ogres,

there is one creature more evil than all the rest.

Show yourself, foul beast!

Ha! Hyah!

Ha!

You thinketh me a coward?

You kinda are.

Ow!

Smashgnome.

[Cheers and applause]

Oh, my gosh!

It's you!

What's me?

[Chuckles] Missed me.

Loser.

I'm not seeing it.

Sayonara, suckwads!

Ah, classic! Heh heh.

Heh heh.

Well, it looks like Maynard has even more pent-up aggression

toward you than I do.

I can't believe it. Neither can I.

This is more inspirational

than I could ever have hoped for.

You're the gnome! No.

The gnome.

Hey, everyone, look.

The gnome is here!

No. No!

All: Gnome! Gnome! Gnome!

Gnome! Gnome! Gnome! Gnome! Gnome!

Gnome! Gnome! Gnome! Gnome! Gnome! Gnome! Gnome! Gnome!

[Sighs]

Hey.

Hey!

What?

What are you doing in my room?

Don't worry, I'm Maynard, um...

What's his name?

No, I am.

Yeah, and, uh, you said that you weren't gonna be back

until sunrise.

I'm gonna call security.

Oh, don't bother. I'm leaving.

And, uh...

Yeah, save yourself 12 bucks on pay-per-view.

Genital hospital...

It's not gonna get you there.

Wow.

So you really broke into this guy's hotel room

and stayed there till 3:00 in the morning?

Yeah, 3:30.

Just so you could be alone? Yeah.

And why didn't you just tell me you wanted some alone time?

Well, that would have been free time,

but not free free time.

Oh, boy.

And why is that?

'Cause then I'd owe you.

And sometime in the future, maybe 30 years from now,

you'll say to me, "remember that time

I gave you a night to yourself?"

More likely, 30 years from now, I'll say to you,

"wow, you look a lot like my first husband."

Look, you know, aud, we have been together constantly

for all these years.

Aren't you a little thrilled

when you get some time to yourself?

Absolutely not.

I cherish every moment that we spend together.

I think those are the most special times...

[Both laughing]

You almost had me there.

Ha ha. I know.

I couldn't land it!

Timmy!

What's taking so long?

Lunch! Lunch!

One moment, sir.

Heh heh.

Aah!

Aah!

Ah!

[Sighs]

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