Original subtitles

Once again to vote for Lacey and Justin

call or text, 1-800-555-0199.

We'll be right back with more of

Dance, America, Dance after this.

Aw, damn, it's busy.

Keep tryin', keep tryin'.

Lacey needs our votes.

This is so fun.

I can't watch tv with Adam anymore.

He never stops talking. It's so annoying.

Oh, God, yes--

oh, shh! It's back on.

Audrey, what's with the phones?

I've been calling. Everything goes to voice mail.

Yeah, our dance show's on.

We were calling and texting in our votes.

So you gotta tie up all the lines?

Shh!

Hey, did I just get shushed in my own home?

Why don't you sit down and watch with us?

You'd like it.

Oh, I don't know. Not really my kind of dancin'.

What is your kind of dancing?

In an end zone, on a pole,

in a lap.

Ooh, they're lining up the finalists.

Hopefully, to shoot them.

Look! There's Lacey.

Oh, she's our favorite.

Isn't she great?

All right, so you know that tv show,

Dance, America, Dance?

What are you-- are you kidding me?

I love that show.

You are so gay.

Anyways, I was watching it last night--

wait, why am I gay for watching it and you're not?

Who's tellin' this story?

Oh, I'm sorry, Jeff.

Anyway, there's this really hot contestant, Lacey.

Oh, I know Lacey.

Her tango was magical.

That's why you're gay...

And I'm not.

Well, right before I met Audrey,

I dated her.

Really? You dated her?

Oh, yeah, I, uh...

I dated the crap out of her,

if you know what I mean.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, you took her out on a lot of dates.

Sometimes I wish I'd made more of an effort

to cultivate friends.

I had sex with her.

With Lacey? That's unbelievable.

Did you-- did you tell Audrey?

Right after I showed her

how to check my Internet history.

[Humming, sighs]

Wow, you look terrible.

Yeah, what's up, leaving Las Vegas?

Not in the mood.

Hey, Russell, you know what you want?

Yeah, a beautiful young woman

named Suneetha, who's engaged to my assistant.

I take four busses to get here.

Can you just order?

Uh, just water.

Water? Can't wait for that tip.

It's pathetic I'm still hung up on Suneetha.

I just have to do the mature thing, I think.

What's that?

I gotta fire his ass,

and then I'll never have to see her again.

I mean, you can't just fire him

for marrying Suneetha.

He'll Sue you and take the tiny shirt

off your little back.

Yeah, that's true.

I'm not big.

Well, so I'm right back where I started.

They'll get married,

she'll be hangin' around all the time.

What am I gonna do?

I know this is a difficult and emotional situation,

but I think I have somethin' that might help.

All right.

You ever see that show Dance, America, Dance?

♪ How many ways to say I love you ♪

♪ how many ways to say that I'm not scared ♪

♪ with you by my side ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪ ♪

just give it some time.

I mean, Timmy works here, not Suneetha.

It's not like she's gonna be hangin' out in the office.

Yeah.

She's hangin' out in the office.

Hello.

Hello, sir. Mr. Rhodes.

Suneetha just brought over my wedding clothes

for me to try on.

It's sort of bollywood meets Shiva,

hindu God of destruction.

It'll look great once he grows four more arms.

Suneetha?

Russell knows I'm joking.

Don't you?

Oh, yeah.

Ha ha ha! Good one!

Bye-bye, darling. Good-bye.

Mr. Rhodes.

Russell.

See? That wasn't so bad.

Shut up. Timmy, hit the bricks.

Pack your stuff. You're fired.

I don't want to get married!

What? I don't want to get married.

It's not Suneetha. She's lovely.

Lovely girl, but we just met,

and I can't marry someone I don't know.

Okay, okay. It's okay.

Timmy, these are just some pre-wedding jitters.

Everybody gets them.

You'll be happy once you're married.

[Mumbling] What are you doing?

I should never have consented

to an arranged marriage,

and now I feel

it's too late for me to back out,

but I'm too young.

I've hardly even dated anyone, you know?

What should I do?

Okay, look, I don't know if this will help,

but have you seen that show Dance, America, Dance?

Timmy, we can't do this for you.

This is a decision you have to make by yourself.

I could break it off, but the repercussions--

well, better a broken engagement

than a broken marriage.

That's exactly what I've been thinking.

But I've just been so afraid, too afraid to, uh,

say it out loud.

Thank you for your counsel, sir.

Listen, I'm not gonna stand here

and watch my best friend make a life-altering mistake.

He's your best friend?

I really do feel as though

a great weight has been lifted.

Okay.

I guess I'll just go update my facebook page.

Fantastic performance, Lacey.

Who knew you could get your legs that high?

[Amused chuckle]

This is so cute.

You are totally into it.

You have no idea.

Please move.

Oh, that's Lacey. Isn't she the best?

Top three.

Did you love what she did?

No complaints

I am so glad we finally found something

we can enjoy together.

Yeah. You, me, Lacey...

Together. That's... fantastic.

So it should take me, like...

What, like, 20 minutes to get to the dentist tomorrow?

Shh! Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I should probably leave around 9:30.

Hey, can you take my blue shirt to the cleaners?

I spilled my snow cone on it.

I'm so lame.

Oh, hey, honey,

what is this on the back of my neck?

Is this a skin tag or, like, a mole?

Oh, my God! I am trying to watch this!

Sorry.

Well, this is exactly

why I can't watch tv with you,

because you won't stop running your word-hole.

Okay, I said I was sorry.

Mean.

This is all Audrey's fault.

If she didn't get Jeff into the show,

his fat ass wouldn't be parked in my chair,

and I wouldn't be stuck back here

with chitty chatty blah blah.

So mean.

And for your information,

Jeff's not watching it 'cause he's into the show.

What? Never mind.

No, if he doesn't like it, then why would he watch?

Oh, look who suddenly wants me to run my word-hole.

All right, I'm sorry I was mean.

Okay, but you can't tell anyone.

Okay, so before Jeff and Audrey...

[Elevator bell rings]

Hey, Audrey.

Hey.

Oh, hey, Jen, I meant to call you.

Did you watch the results show last night?

Yeah, but it wasn't easy,

thanks to Captain gum-flap and his war on silence.

That's the meanest.

I am so psyched Lacey made it through.

So is Jeff. He's totally behind her.

I'm not sure she can win.

Jeff thinks she's got it in her.

All right, what's goin' on?

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

First the nudge, then the second nudge,

then the look.

I don't know what--

I've been married 14 years.

I know nudges and looks when I see 'em.

Adam?

Well, I...

I--I--I...

Well, don't give me the look again.

She's onto it.

Oh!

Well, look who's all fresh and peppy.

Mmm!

Is that baby powder?

I have a skin condition.

What, diaper rash?

Ah, pretty and funny.

I can't believe you haven't snared a husband by now.

Well, now that Timmy's let go of Suneetha,

you haven't pounced on her yet?

Um, show some respect.

He just broke up with her last night.

I haven't even talked to the guy yet.

So wait. I mean, you're acting like a decent guy here?

Yeah, I am.

And here's how it's gonna go down.

Timmy comes in, and it's hug, hug, hug.

"How'd it go?"

Sad, sad, sad.

Then I wait till around lunch,

and then pounce, pounce, pounce.

[Sighs]

Hey, Timmy.

Morning, sir.

Aw, come here.

Oh!

How'd it go?

I didn't tell her.

What? Why not, you little freak?

I beg your pardon, sir?

I mean, what happened, little buddy?

Talk to me.

I just froze.

I mean, I don't want to get married,

but I've never broken up with anyone before.

I'm not sure I can do this.

You can. It's easy.

You do it fast like ripping off a band-aid.

It's really not that easy, sir.

It is easy. Let's-- let's act it out.

I'll be Suneetha, and you break up with me.

Sir, I don't think-- just pretend.

Pretend, pretend. Come on.

Ahem.

All right.

Suneetha...

Gosh, you smell like baby powder.

I, um, just wanted to say...

If--a conversation that I was hoping to have.

I mean-- yes, let's say

she has to be somewhere this century.

All right, go.

I told you, sir, I'm really no good at this.

All right, forget it. You know what?

I'll be you. Adam, you be Suneetha, okay?

Fine. Okay, here we go.

Suneetha, you-- hold on.

Ahh, what?

Timmy, is she from Northern or Southern India?

She's from Mumbai.

Hmm...Okay, good.

Is that good? You got it all figured out now?

Is everything okay?

Mm-hmm, yes.

Go.

All right.

Suneetha, I've been searching--

[softly crying]

What are you doing? Ohh!

She's crying! Oh, dear, she knows what's coming!

She doesn't know what's coming.

You don't know what's coming!

How do I not know? It's all over your face!

Just sit there and get dumped!

Don't be crazy!

Fine, I won't even react,

even though my whole world is crashing down!

Suneetha, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean it. We'll make it work.

Oh, Timmy.

No, no, no, no!

Timmy, stand there.

Sit down. Please!

It's not that complicated.

All right.

Suneetha,

you're an extraordinary girl,

but I can't marry you.

I've searched my heart,

and it's-- it's not meant to be.

I wish you no pain.

I wish you love and happiness.

Good-bye, sweet Suneetha.

Oh, sir, you've outdone yourself.

That was beautiful.

Yes!

Now go tell her,

and you call me Afrr, okay?

You call me right after.

You call me immediately after.

I will do, and thank you, sir.

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Was that so hard?

No, because I've been cheating on you for a month.

hey, hey, what's shaking?

Oh, not much.

Tough break for dance fans.

What do you mean?

Oh, it was just on the news.

Lacey got kicked off the show.

What? Why?

Apparently she was banging all the producers.

Wow.

Yep. According to the news, she's a giant slut.

Really?

That's what they're reporting on the news?

Psh, Adam blabbed, huh?

You just let me sit there

rooting for her like an idiot,

while the whole time you were only watching the show

because you slept with her?

Sounds like a question but...

I feel that you already know the answer.

Why didn't you just tell me?

Oh, how would that have gone?

"Hey, see Lacey?

I did her. Up high."

Come on, you love that show.

I didn't want to spoil it for you

and possibly cost Lacey your vote.

Oh, you think I'm that petty?

You know I do.

I mean, if she wins this,

it could be the best thing that ever happened to her.

Second best. [chuckles]

See, you're not enjoying this.

Oh, shut up.

It wouldn't have bothered me at all.

Oh, come on.

Jeff, we have been married 14 years.

We both have pasts. It's not a big deal.

I know, it's just that...

Well, you know...

What?

None of yours are famous.

[Laughs]

Famous?

Oh, please.

She's a dancing chimp

whose 15 minutes are just about up.

I knew you'd turn on her.

Besides, it's not like I haven't dated

someone well-known.

Ugh, not this again, Audrey.

I wouldn't call the guy who grew the largest pumpkin

in Lancaster county "well-known."

It wasn't just Lancaster.

It was the whole tri-county area.

And that's not even who I'm talking about.

I dated somebody more famous.

Really? More famous than Pumpkin Pete?

It just so happens my first year of college

I had quite the little fling with Jerry Waldman.

Who's Jerry Waldman?

Oh, just a brilliant young law student

who would eventually go on to become...

Here we go.

The chief justice of the supreme court

of the state of New York.

Really? You--you dated him?

Yep. The honorable Jerome Waldman.

Ha! He's bald! Look at that.

Mine's hot,

and yours is a chrome-dome.

He is the youngest supreme court justice

in history.

A genius at constitutional law.

Because he was studying while everyone else

was combing their hair.

He had a thick head of hair when I dated him.

Eh, it's too bad things didn't work out,

'cause you coulda been Mrs. Audrey Baldman.

It's Waldman.

Not anymore.

Hey, Timmy. Hello, sir.

Oh, I was worried sick about you.

So did you do it? I did.

And it actually went quite well.

It turns out she felt much the same way I did

and was also quite relieved.

Great.

Okay, to recap and be totally clear.

You're totally broken up,

all ties cut, no regrets,

and you have no feelings for her whatsoever?

Well, I don't know if-- yes or no?

Yes.

Suneetha and I are unengaged.

And we were even able to remain friends,

and I have you to thank, sir.

I really do with there was some way I could repay you.

Well...

There might be.

Oh, really? How?

Uh, I don't know.

Maybe give me her number.

Her phone number?

Hmm.

Why?

[Laughing hysterically]

You told him, huh?

What's so funny?

What I feel for Suneetha--

oh, you feel, do you, sir?

Classic, good one.

Do you seriously believe

she would go from a young, taut-skinned,

reasonably attractive man of her same caste

with a great head of jet-black hair

to, well, the opposite of all that?

Wow, that is really mean.

Spend a day at my house.

I'll show you mean.

I don't care what you say.

I've never felt this way about a girl before.

Yes, sir, well, I do hope she can hear your voice

from the splatter of her vomit hitting the sidewalk.

So mean.

Now, if your mind is really made up,

I suggest you get a move on.

She's going back to India,

and she'll be leaving from the airport soon.

What?

Why didn't you tell me?

Come on.

How do I look?

Like Martina Navratilova.

Yeah?

She's a handsome woman. I'll take it.

See ya.

Well, this is a new low even for him.

What is?

To pretend he had my interests at heart.

But it was all just a facade

to get rid of me so he could make a move on Suneetha.

Listen, Timmy,

Russell's not always a great guy,

but I gotta defend him here.

He's been in love with Suneetha

since he first laid eyes on her.

I'm sorry, what?

It's true.

But he didn't do anything out of respect for you.

He waited till you broke up

and made sure it was your decision.

I can't quite believe it.

Oh.

Perhaps I was wrong about him.

Mm-hmm.

Well, maybe you should have paid a little more attention.

Glad I'm not your best friend.

I mean, unless you want me to be.

Suneetha, wait.

You got time, buddy.

This is gonna take a while.

Russell, what are you doing here?

I--I just--

I wanted to tell you that--

God, this is harder than I thought.

That's what she said.

I got that from you.

It makes me laugh every time.

Yeah, well, that's solid.

It's one of the classics.

See, we have so much in common.

We like the same jokes.

You're smart and beautiful,

and I'm smart and...

Do you know who Martina Navratilova is?

Yes.

She's a handsome woman.

Thank you.

Listen, I know this is crazy

and it's sudden, but I actually--

me too, Russell.

What?

Since that first day at the airport,

I've had these feelings for you as well.

You have, really?

I tried to hide them.

I didn't want Timmy to know.

Well, Timmy knows.

I just told him.

It's all on the up and up now.

There's nothing to hide. You can take that trunk out.

You gotta be kidding me.

Russell, as much as I'd love to stay

and see where this goes, I can't.

I must return to Mumbai.

No.

But we'll always have this moment.

This perfect moment will just belong to us.

Good-bye, Russell.

Good-bye, sweet Suneetha.

[Cell phone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Yes, how'd it go?

Really?

And then what?

Then I kissed him good-bye

and got in the cab.

Thank you so much for doing that for me, Suneetha.

That was very sweet and most generous of you.

I was happy to do it.

You know, I wonder if we may have acted a bit hastily

in calling off our engagement.

Suneetha?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just thinking about Russell.

He's very sweet

and kind of sexy in a--

safe travels. Good-bye.

And in news from Albany,

today New York state supreme court justice

Jerry Waldman made a dramatic announcement.

In the interest of living my life from here forward

in an honest and truthful way,

I would like to say, on the record,

that I am gay.

I am a gay American.

Oh, my God!

Audrey, get in here!

Baldman's gay!

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