Original subtitles

Hey.

Timmy. I got a lin'vite

to a shindig in the Hamptons

tomorrow. Be ready to leave at noon.

And don't wear that jacket that

makes you look like a terrorist.

So it's personally hurtful, and politically incorrect sir.

Well done.

However I can't make it.

Uhh... why?

I'm doing volunteer work tomorrow.

Oh you gotta make up for a little drinky drinky,

swervy, swervy.

No.

Oh, did you proposition an undercover cop?

No.

Oh it wasn't a cop.

How was she.

There was no prostitute.

I'm volunteering for an organization

that revitalized empty lots

and turns them into Parks.

I've even been successful in signing up

a few recruits from the office, sir.

Okay now I get why you're doing this.

Trying to dip your pen in the company sluts.

What started as a metaphor ended in tragedy.

Wait a second.

This one's married. This one's a lesbian.

This one's quick with the mace.

All right, fess up, what's in it for you?

I don't follow, sir?

Anyone who does any work with a charity has an angle.

My mom did it to get into the right parties.

My dad did it to look like a big man,

Even though all he did was write a check.

My Uncle Glen did it until child services

Shut down his camp.

Um...Well, I only volunteer

Because it makes me feel good, sir.

Oh, ho ho! Is that the way you want to play it?

Tell you what.

I'm gonna find out why you're really doing this.

Super use of your time, sir.

Now, if you will excuse me--

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'll, uh, hang on to this.

Why? Are you going to sign up, sir?

No.

Just wanna get big old lesbian Shirley's

Home phone number, you know.

She's growing her hair out.

I think she's coming around!

♪ how many ways to say I love you ♪

♪ how many ways to say that I'm not scared ♪

♪ with you by my side ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

So then I sat down and he said,

"wow, the picture on your profile page is way different."

And I said, "what do you mean?"

Even though I knew what he meant

Because I'd been using a blurry picture

Of Kim Kardashian I found on the Internet.

So you're not using the blurry picture

Of Penelope Cruz anymore?

No.

So then I'm in the middle of telling him

How cool my new tap class is

When he remembers that he's gotta go pick his sister up

From the airport and he's gotta go.

Well... [scoffs]

You don't want a guy that forgetful anyway.

Oh, the Mets suck!

Jeff, we are at dinner with Liz.

Well, don't blame me, blame the Mets' bullpen.

All right, you shouldn't be checking

The baseball scores at the table.

You're right. There's a tv in the bar.

F.Y.I., I counted my shrimp.

Anyway...

Oh, what about that guy that Lisa set you up with?

Oh, I called him for a second date,

And he told me he was moving to Canada the next day.

Well, that's just bad timing.

I bet Jeff didn't really count these.

I just have the worst luck.

Did you know I haven't slept with a man in almost a year?

Well, I have.

Let me tell you, you're not missing much.

I'm starting to think no one will

Ever want to sleep with me again.

Oh, Liz, no. That's not true.

No? Then name one person who would want me.

Well, uh, I don't know specifically, but I--

You don't have to do that. It's hopeless.

I just feel so alone.

Oh...I...

Jeff!

Huh?

Jeff would totally sleep with you.

What?

I probably shouldn't be telling you this,

But you know how married people sometimes--

No.

Right, well...

Sometimes married people play that game

Where you make a list, you know, of who

You'd have sex with if, God forbid,

Something happened to the other one.

And it just so happens you were on Jeff's list.

Come on. No, I'm serious.

You're in the top five. Ha!

Wow! Jeff finds me attractive.

That makes me feel so good.

But, Audrey, I would never do anything--

Oh, no, no. Of course.

I mean, I have to. But...

Oh...Oh, God. Oh!

Adam, I am not enjoying this.

It's like a soundtrack to their sex life.

You're so inconsiderate.

He knows I'm trying to lose a few pounds.

Good, maybe I can get a little more room on the bench.

What, I'm sneakin' a cheek over here.

I'm sorry, I can't help it.

These waffles are so good.

Jeff, here. Taste this.

I can't. I'm allergic to strawberries.

My head swells up like a bounce house.

Uh-oh. Call the hospital.

It already happened!

Wha--? Come on, you guys used to be fun.

What happened to the laughter?

Jen, you don't need to lose weight.

That's what I told her.

No, I do!

I went to try on wedding dresses this week

And when they would fasten them up,

The fat on the top of my back would pinch together.

Like a butt.

Like a back butt.

Oh, yeah, my cousin Wanda had one of those at her wedding.

Wanda the hutt.

See? You have to be supportive of me.

Honey, it would be easier if you weren't being crazy.

I mean, you think you need to lose weight--

Which you don't--

And then I suffer because you won't

Let me keep my treats in the house.

He calls them treats?

Yeah, I got some work to do before the wedding.

Hey, you made reservations

At Walden's Steakhouse for tomorrow, right?

Uh, yeah, yeah. And, um, sorry...

But it turns out it's going to be a double date.

Don't be mad at me, but Liz met someone on the Internet.

Aw, damn it!

Is this Liz, your old boss,

The one whose tap recital you had to go to?

Yes.

You know, I thought there would be

At least one other adult in it.

Anyway, I invited her

'cause I thought she'd be more comfortable

Meeting this guy with us there.

Yeah, cause she knows it's gonna take all three of us

To keep him from running away.

Do, uh, you and Jen ever do any charity work?

Uh, sometimes.

Just last night Jen did some charity work,

If you know what I mean.

You're referring to yourself as charity?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, wait...No.

Too late, you did.

I just texted Jeff.

So what's goin' on over there?

Jen is on this crazy diet,

And last night she ate some of my treats.

I mean, my adult snacks.

And then she got mad at herself and threw the rest out,

So I'm putting a lock on this cabinet so she can't get to it.

Heh...Congratulations, you're engaged to a bear.

Ah! Hey.

Hey, Jen.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

Do you ever do any charity work?

Does talking to you right now count?

[chuckles]

You know, I don't even know why I come over here.

Well, it's certainly not in response to an invitation.

All right, that's it, I can take a hint.

You guys want to order Chinese?

Oh, yeah, I'd love to.

No, too fattening.

Not if you don't eat it.

Oh, I think I've poked the bear.

[laughing]

What's this?

Oh, I locked up the junk food

So you wouldn't be tempted to eat it.

Seems pretty drastic, but really not necessary.

I've got all the healthy snacks I need right here.

Rice cakes, carrots, tofu--

Hey, is that a Kit Kat wrapper?

Oh...I can't believe someone threw that in there.

Whoa, you killed a king size.

Ooh, don't show fear.

Just make yourself seem bigger and back away.

[phone rings]

Hello.

Hey, it's me. Are you there yet?

Yeah, I'm having a drink.

Listen, I just got a text from Liz.

Her date cancelled on her. Oh, let me guess.

He found that video of her on Youtube

Tap dancing to it's raining men.

I don't know the reason, Jeff.

Listen, I just got called in to work,

But it should only be a few minutes

So I'll be there as soon as I can.

You and Liz start without me.

Me and Liz alone? I don't think so.

I don't need my steak marinated in tears,

And I don't have the strength to defend my shrimp alone.

Look, I'm just going to walk around the block until you get--

Hey, Liz.

[whispered] get here!

Timmy!

[sigh] oh, dear.

Why, sir? Why?

Still tryin' to find out what your angle is, buddy.

Oh, there we go, free food.

Oh, yes, because how else

Would I acquire a limp deli sandwich, sir?

Hey...Where are the rest of the hoes?

They're back in the van.

Thanks.

Aha! That's it.

Party van full of hos!

Not your kind of hos, sir.

This kind. Oh.

Most disappointing homonym ever.

So you, uh...

You really get a good feeling from doing this stuff?

Yes, I do, sir.

I wanna feel good too.

Seriously? Yeah.

Okay, then. Right on, sir.

There you go. All right.

How does it work?

Aah.

Whew!

Sir?

Yeah?

Timmy? Timmy.

What is it?

Sir, it's a blister.

Is there a cure?

I'll have the New York strip, rare, with the truffle butter.

Great choice, sir.

Oh...

I really don't like meat.

This is hard for me.

It's hard for all of us.

I'll come back. Can I get you another?

Never stop getting me another.

Well, at least I can eat whatever I want.

Don't have to worry about impressing a date.

Yeah, I'm sorry that he canceled,

But gallbladders burst.

Very common. I know four men this year.

Normally, I'd be bummed.

But I'm feeling pretty good lately,

And, well... I have you to thank.

Yeah? What'd I do?

I don't know if she mentioned anything,

But Audrey told me about your list.

Favorite quarterbacks, microbrews...

What list are we talking about?

Your list of who you'd sleep with

If Audrey wasn't around.

Oh, yeah.

That's a good one.

I know.

And I'm flattered to be on it.

On what?

You don't have to be embarrassed.

Audrey told me I was in the top five.

Did she?

I bring it up because I'd like to know

What qualities I should highlight on future dates.

So what is it about me exactly

That you are so attracted to?

Jeff? Yeah, I'm thinking.

It's just a toughie, it's really tough...

You know, to narrow it down.

I...Like the way that you...

Wear your stretch pants.

Oh, you can do better than that.

I'm not sure that I can.

Maybe you like my breasts?

Oh.

Wanna know a secret about my breasts?

No.

One's lower than the other.

What happened?

I smelled donuts.

But I hid the screwdriver.

I used my hands.

My God, you are a bear.

[dance music]

♪ ♪

You're really going to town there.

That's before you got the special bra, huh?

That's why I got it.

All right, then.

[phone ringing]

Oh, it's Audrey. Excuse me.

Thank God. Where are you?

I'm so sorry. I'm not going to make it.

What?

We have to rebuild the whole issue tonight.

There's no way.

Quit your job.

What?

Quit your job and start pursuing your dream

Of getting me out of here.

Yeah, sorry.

Hey, listen, I doubt this will come up,

But the other day Liz was so down

I sort of, kind of, told her--

That I wanted to sleep with her.

It came up.

Jeff, please. Do not hurt her feelings.

Her feelings?

How do you think Danica Patrick feels

Knowing she got bumped off my list

For miss long-boob over here?

She told you about that?

You know she showed me once.

It looks like a sock full of sand.

Anyway, babe, I'm really sorry.

I've gotta go. No.

Sorry. No.

Timmy.

It's not working.

What's not working, sir? Besides you.

That good feeling you promised me.

Where is it? I want it.

Hey, Timir.

Wood chips came in.

We can start filling in the playground.

Great, be there in a second.

Hey, what did he just call you?

Timir.

It's my Indian name. I prefer Timmy.

I'm sure you do, timir.

Ha ha!

Hey, Timir,

Starting to get that good feeling.

It's a timir-acle!

Are you finished, sir?

Au contraire, I'm timir-ly getting started.

Aw, come here, Timir.

I didn't even try on that one!

[sighs] sir.

No matter how much you ridicule me,

You cannot take away the pride,

The sense of accomplishment I will feel every day

When I walk by this park.

And that is a feeling you will never have.

I feel sorry for you, Russell Dunbar.

I really do.

Hey, that guy's name is Timir.

So?

Seemed funny.

Jeff, I could really use your insight here.

When did it occur to you

That you wanted to make love to me?

I don't remember.

Was it the time I was over showing off

The shimmer unitard I wore for my tap recital?

I think it's safe to say it was another time.

Here's your strawberry daiquiri.

Mmm, yummy!

Is there anything else I can get for you?

You know, I think we will order

That chocolate souffle after all.

Just a reminder, it will take 45 minutes to prepare.

No, no, look.

We need something that's ready right now.

Don't listen to him. He's just being silly.

Okay. One souffle coming up.

Want a taste?

Uh, no. No strawberries.

Okay, well,

Since we have more time, let me ask--

If it wasn't my unitard that caught your eye, what was it?

And be specific.

Look, I really don't remember.

Oh!

Was it the time I split my bike shorts

And you could see everything?

Give me that.

I can't believe you. You--you could have died!

Worth it.

Well, I am proud of you

For not saying anything to hurt her feelings.

Yeah, if you think about it, I'm kind of a hero.

I wouldn't go that far, but I guess I do owe you one.

I have some thoughts

On exactly how you might repay me.

Oh, really? Here?

I spent six minutes watching her tap dance video.

Yeah. Here.

Hey.

Ah, why are you here, sir?

Did you realize that Timir rhymes with queer?

No, but that's extremely excellent.

[laughs]

No, uh, I'm here for the park dedication.

Really? And why is that?

Well, because I was wrong.

You actually did a decent, charitable thing

Without any selfish motivation.

And I think I understand

What a good feeling that gives a person.

Really?

Well, if that's the case, sir,

You too can experience this rewarding feeling.

It just means a long-term commitment

And many hours of hard work.

Yeah, that's not really my thing, so...

I'm gonna get it now.

Chief! Let's light this candle.

Welcome, everyone.

Right now I'd like to introduce you to a great man

Whose generous donation of $20,000

Made all of this possible.

No. No, you didn't.

I kinda did.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Russell Dunbar!

Oh! Thank you. [applause]

Aw, that's nice. I appreciate it.

That's great. That's enough, that's enough.

$20,000 is a lot. Thank you.

[applause]

Mr. Dunbar, would you do us the honor?

Oh, okay.

Look at that! Hey, it's me!

Can we get a picture?

Oh, wait. This isn't right.

Timmy. Yes, sir?

Can you hand me that hoe?

[frustrated sigh] Aw, come here, Timir.

[laughing] that's funny, right?

[chuckling] hey, let's say we get

The other kind of hos down here, huh?

[chuckles] huh? Who's with me?

So how's Jennifer's diet coming?

Not good. This morning I caught her

Eating hot chocolate powder with butter.

Okay, well, I can't take it anymore,

So I came up with a plan.

[chuckles] uh-oh. This will be good.

See, I adjusted the scale ahead six pounds,

So she'll think she lost a little weight

Even though she hasn't.

You mean, you adjusted it back six pounds.

No, it's forward, 'cause--

Oh, no!

[screams]

[crying]

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