Original subtitles

Oh, wow! Look at this place!

It's like being in Paris.

So we agree it sucks.

God forbid we eat anywhere without a pie carousel.

Look how the tables are all smashed together.

As an American, it's my right to eat without touching knees to some dude.

It's your right to remain silent. Why don't you exercise that one?

Oh, here we go.

Please follow me.

Oh, would you stop it? You are so not adventurous.

Not adventurous?

Who's dangling their junk 2 inches over an open flame, huh?

Oh, look at that.

Steve?

I haven't seen you since you moved to the midtown office.

Oh, I know!

- Hey, is Holly meeting you here? - Oh, no, she's not.

Oh, that's too bad. You know, you guys were my one fix up that actually worked.

Holly and I are getting divorced.

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - It's not your fault.

You had no way of knowing that Holly was a soul-sucking demon

who was gonna completely destroy my life.

Oh, that looks good.

I just... I can't believe it. I thought you two were such a good match.

But you know, it's... it's not so bad, you know?

Of course, I did have to move out of the city,

and I sold at the exact wrong time.

Really took it in the shorts.

I'm in Jersey now.

Hey! The garden state.

Well, enjoy your meal.

Steve, please join us for dinner.

Oh, you were having such a nice meal, the two of you.

All right then.

Steve, please join us.

Okay, well, if you really don't mind.

3x11 "Family Style"

Transcripted by chamallow35 www.Addic7ed.com

Holly and Steve are getting divorced?

No. Guys never are.

- Russell, are you surprised? - I am not.

You do not even know them!

But I know physics... for every action, marriage,

there's a reaction, rich divorce lawyer.

I guess I just prefer to look at the glass as half-full.

Well, thanks to you, Steve's glass is half-full...

Of tears.

What's up, Einstein?

Oh, hey, guys. Oh... Our coffeemaker broke, so I gotta get Jen a cup.

Aw, that's nice of you.

Yeah, well, it's more for me than her.

Jen gets a little cranky when she doesn't get her caffeine.

Did she scratch you?

Yeah. But in fairness, I was smiling at her with my stupid face.

So what are you guys up to today?

We're going to a party at our friend Steve's in new Jersey.

He's kinda having a hard time with his divorce.

Yeah. Like us going to a party at his sad singles complex is gonna help.

Hold on. Sad singles complex?

Or hotbed for desperate chicks?

Tell me more!

No. We're going to his party. It's the right thing to do.

Now, I have a hair appointment.

Look, I am the man of the house, and I... and only I... will dictate...

She's gone.

I know. I like to pretend.

- All right, I gotta get Jen that cup... - Seriously?

You're sitting there talking? Where's my coffee?

Do you think if you don't move she can't see you?

I... it works with dinosaurs.

You know, when you told me this was a singles party,

I didn't know it meant the number of people

that'd actually be here. No one made you come with us.

Yeah, what's that like... Being here voluntarily?

Hey, guys! Hey!

Throw your laundry in and spend the cycle partying with us.

Oh, this'll be like shooting fish in a barrel...

lonely women, and my only competition is pale, doughy losers.

None taken.

Hey, okey doke.

Who's that?

I don't know, but she dresses kind of like a whore.

Sold.

May I buy m'lady some detergent?

It's a free country.

Let me guess... you go liquid, straight up with a twist of softener?

- How did you know? - Please... you look like a woman

who likes her whites bright and her colors springtime fresh.

I also know my way around a stain stick.

Ooh. I love a woman who talks dirty laundry.

So... this place is... really something.

These aren't as good as I remember.

Yeah, it's pretty sweet.

Although I do need somewhere to stay the next few nights.

- Why? - Oh, my fish tank exploded,

and they're checking my apartment for mold.

- Oh, no. Did your fish die? - They did. Yeah.

Well, they're in a better place now.

Literally.

I just really need a place to stay the next few nights.

Well, we... I mean, I'd go to a hotel, but I don't have any money,

and, you know, with the divorce and all, you know...

The cheese to a cracker ratio is way off.

Steve, come stay with us.

You're more than welcome.

Oh! That would be perfect!

Thank you! Wow!

I'll... I'll be there tomorrow night, okay?

Let me just go grab some things before the hazmat team seals off my apartment.

You really wanna bring some of this magic into our home.

I feel bad. If I hadn't set up Steve with Holly,

he would not be living here in Hitler's bunker.

Sure, Tina, I'd love to see your unit.

And then I'll return the favor.

Where you been?

Oh, I got way laid in Jersey. Way laid.

- So the trip to Jersey panned out for you? - Oh, totally!

Jersey's an untapped market,

and the best part is, I skedoodle...

she's an entire state away.

Dirty night, clean break.

'Scuse us.

You had a rendezvous with our sister Tina last night.

- No, I didn't. - Are you not Russell Dunbar?

No. He is.

Jesus, Tina.

- Would you be so kind as just to give us a moment of privacy, please? - He can stay.

He's cool. See ya, Buddy.

It seems that after your encounter with our sister,

you promised to phone the first thing this morning.

That did not occur.

My God, is it morning already?

It's just with this daylight savings time, it's crazy, who can keep up?

Irregardless...

It is now 2:00 p.m., which could lead one to believe

that maybe you have no intentions of making good on your promise.

Which would make our sister very unhappy.

And we are very protective of our sister.

Yes. Tina's... she's a great girl. She's really...

How can I make this right?

We're having a family gathering at this address tonight.

You are invited to come and apologize to Tina

for your earlier transgressions.

That does sound like a dynamite plan and lots of fun.

It's tricky, though, because I...

look, look, Tina likes you, she likes you...

For reasons that are not abundantly clear. And she will be treated with respect

as this goes forward. And it will go forward.

Yeah, don't worry, that's... that's what it's doing.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

You sure you're not Russell.

- Sorry. - Us too.

Guys, thanks so much for taking me in.

Oh, it's the least we can do.

Oh, it's the least we can do. I do not eat that well at my place.

Although they are doing some great stuff with ramen these days.

Love to hear move about that.

- Oh! Well, those flavor packets... - Tomorrow.

I'm beat. I'm gonna hit the hay.

You know what? I really appreciate this, man.

Oh, we're good, brother.

You see that? He's in better spirits already.

Well, why wouldn't he be? He's not sleeping in a moldy apartment with dead fish.

Steve is the perfect houseguest.

Are you kiddin' me?

He took the crusty part of the scalloped potatoes.

The whole underneath part's garbage.

Didn't stop you from eating the rest of it.

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

- Steve, everything okay? - Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just gonna sleep out here on the couch.

But you have your own room...

Yeah. Just being in that big bed just reminds me of how alone I am, you know.

Plus, towards the end of our marriage, I got kinda used to being the mayor of Sofa City!

But Jeff and I are gonna watch tv. We... we don't wanna keep you up.

Oh, you won't. You won't.

Whoo!

I'll bet those fish killed themselves.

Why are you so mad? I did what you said.

No, I sent you out for a coffeemaker, and you came back with a stupid French press.

- It's too much work. - It's not!

You just put your hand on top and push down.

Hey, at least you get to be on the other side of that move for a change.

Oh, good, thank God you're okay. I thought those guys were gonna break your legs.

Oh, really? So running down here for a bear claw and coa was the right response?

Yeah, I heard about the goombah twins.

I guess your, uh, Jersey plan backfired.

Uh, no, it did not.

Although I was a little bit scared.

Not so scared I ran down to the diner and had a continental breakfast!

But I actually had a good time.

Met the family.

They loved me.

They even gave me a nickname.

Oh, let me guess. Baby hands.

No, wait. '70s hair. No.

Did somebody already say baby hands?

My cell phone rang twice during dinner,

so they call me Russell "two calls".

- So what, are you like all mobbed up now? - Mobbed up.

See, that is such an offensive stereotype.

Can I get you something?

Yeah, can I get some nice roasted peppers and a little gobbagool?

I have no idea what that is.

I know, me neither.

Just a grilled cheese and a pickle.

Oh, that is a good one.

I'm so glad you called. You made my afternoon.

Oh, she's here.

Yeah, I should probably go.

Okay. It's for you.

Uh, no. I... I'm happy with my long-distance service.

- Okay, goodbye. - Oh! Bye, Shawn!

So you're home from work early,

all jammied up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't go to work. I took a personal day.

I was kinda, you know, mourning the loss of Mr. Bubbles and Goldie.

Oh, your fish...

You know, it's funny.

One minute you're at the carnival throwing darts at balloons,

and the next, you're bringing home a baggie full of friends.

And then they're dead.

Hey, you wanna play some gin rummy?

Well, I'd love to, but Jeff's gonna be home any minute,

so I should really get dinner started.

Is that Shawn?

Come home.

What's goin' on there?

Steve's had a bad day. Just tell me you're close.

Well, I feel terrible, but I'm stuck at work.

Oh, God, babe, just get here as fast as you can, okay?

Will do.

You're hiding in the kitchen, huh?

I don't blame you. I'd avoid me too if I could.

No, I was not avoiding you.

Steve, you're a great guy.

Thanks.

How so?

Well, y... you...

Have your health and...

You gave us that great shortcut to your place.

But even with all that,

- I couldn't make my marriage work. - Well, that wasn't your fault.

I'm so sorry I ever even introduced you to Holly.

You are way, way out of her league.

Thanks, Audrey.

You really know how to make me feel good.

Oh, I'm so glad.

No, truly, you're... You're one of the nicest people that I know.

Oh. I'm just... being who I am.

Come here.

Hey, you busy?

No, I'm just having my morning coffee. Join me.

Do you like your dishrag with cream or sugar?

Something weird happened last night.

You know Jeff's friend Steve has been staying with us.

- The sad pajama guy? - Yeah.

Well, Jeff was working late, Steve was feeling down, so I gave him a little pep talk.

Next thing I know, he's making a pass at me.

Really?

What do I do? I mean, I can't tell Jeff.

I'm the one who insisted Steve stay with us.

- I can't believe this. - I can.

He's sad, Jeff's gone. You're hot.

Eh, that's true.

And I was wearing my skinny skirt.

Oh! And my best boob sweater!

Oh, God, those two together, I must have been torturing the poor guy.

It must have been so uncomfortable for you. What exactly did he do?

I just went to give him a little hug, and he kind of turned his head...

- It's kinda hard to describe. - Here. Show me.

I'm you. You're Steve.

All right.

Ah ha ha! I knew it!

- You owe me five bucks. - Aw, damn it.

Calm down. Audrey was just showing me how Steve made a pass at her.

Oh, the pajama guy? He's awesome.

- You should really tell Jeff. - Or...

I make the whole thing go away, all right?I know people.

All right, take it easy, two calls.

- Hey, where were you? - Talkin' to Steve.

I got to admit, he seems like a new man today.

As much as it pains me to say you were right...

Hey, maybe I just won't say it.

Okay. I don't know exactly how to tell you this,

and I don't want you to overreact or freak out...

But last night, Steve made a pass at me.

Okay, calm down.

I may have brought this on myself.

I mean, we were in the living room. I was consoling him.

I went to give him a little hug, and then he...

kinda did this thing with his head.

He buried his face in your neck.

- Yes. How did you know? - He does that to everyone.

At work, we used to call him "the nuzzler."

Yeah, well, maybe, but this was different.

I mean, I was rocking my skinny skirt and my best boob sweater.

He's been doin' it for years.

You know the sweater I mean, right?

I mean, I looked like a freaking Barbie doll.

It had nothin' to do with the sweater.

He nuzzles everyone.

- So he wasn't... - No.

- Or the... - No.

It's open. Come in.

How long have you lived in New York?

Guys, in the kitchen.

I'm on my way to evening mass with the family. I understand you need a coffee machine?

How do you know that?

'Round the neighborhood, I hear things.

It's amazing! Where did you get it?

Friend of mine came into a truckload.

Sal Liane. Good guy, big earner.

Ya done good. Ya done good.

Wait... why's the serial number scratched off?

Don't ask me questions.

But you need the serial number for the warranty.

You break it, I get you another one!

There's your warranty, huh? Huh? This guy!

I am so sorry for the misunderstanding.

I would never make a pass at you.

Yeah. Thanks.

I mean, you are so not my type!

I can name like a hundred women that I would so much...

Yeah, I got it. Okay.

I'll get the elevator.

Rockin' her skinny skirt.

Okay, Steve, I guess this is goodbye.

Gosh, I just... I don't know how to thank you, Audrey.

You've shown me compassion, kindness, friendship.

And the fact that you thought I made a pass at you, and you still didn't blow me off...

It gives me hope that there's another woman out there who's gonna, you know, take me seriously.

Oh, Steve, of course there's another woman out there for you.

Thanks.

Of course, not like you. You're not my type!

Elevator's here.

Okay. All right, no nuzzle this time.

Hey! Hey, we're good, bud!

- All right, don't be a stranger. - All right, take care, Buddy.

By any chance, did they also call Steve "the boob grazer"?

- No. Why? - Just curious.

Hey, paesan! Hey, it's good to see you.

Aw, how's your mother? You give her my regards, okay?

Aw, these two. Always with these two.

Aw, good people.

Can I get you something to drink?

Yeah, chianti for me and the little lady.

We don't have that.

Coffee. Thanks.

Okay, enough, huh? Stop acting like that.

Actin' like what? She's bustin' my balls over here!

Like that!

Look, I went out with you because I thought you were different from all the other goons I dated.

The mouth on this one!

Russell, if I wanted a guy like this, I'd go for the real thing, okay?

Not some pathetic track suit wannabe.

Hey, show some respect. The name is "two calls."

Shoulda ddropped call.

I'll see ya... loser.

Grilled cheese and a pickle.

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