All language subtitles for Rules of Engagement s03e09 The Challenge.eng

Dopey, grumpy.

Sleazy.

Sleazy wasn't a dwarf.

He is now.

Well, my height was just fine
for miss Tiffany last night.

And it's official... I have finally slept
with a woman from all 50 States.

Wow, really? Was she, like, an army brat?

No. Different women, one from...

You know, he just slows us down.

All 50 States, huh? I guess America
really is the home of the brave.

You're just jealous 'cause you're
married and you don't get any.

- I get all the sex I want.
- Why do you want so little?

Yeah, and you have to jump through
hoops for the paltry amount you do get.

Like letting Audrey buy
expensive jewels or clothing

or listen to her flap
about her boring job.

You should be on my side. You're
more married than single.

- Yeah, but Jen and I
have sex all the time. - All the time?

- All the time.
- Same as when you first met?

Pretty... pretty much.

Oh! Pretty much. That's how it all starts.

Yeah, add ten pounds to your head and
you're gonna be Jeff in five years.

You are way off.

Mmm, 20 pounds?

Hi. Hey, gentlemen, Mr. Dunbar.

Here you go, sir. As per your request, I
transferred your old pornography to dvd.

All right. Good job.

You know what? Take one home as a bonus.

Oh, thank you, sir. You're
very kind, but I'll pass.

Well, I'm sure you're wondering
how my date went last night.

Yes, indeed. Who did the young
lady think she was going home with?

Zack thunder or Danny Dakota?

I went with "Danny Dakota."

You know, the race car driver
who broke every bone in his body?

Except uh-one.

Hold on, you pretended to
be somebody else?

Talk about jumping through hoops.
You gotta invent a whole new persona.

No, no, no, no. I don't have to. I like
to mix it up. You know, keep it fresh.

At least I got some.

- Yeah, well, I can get it, too.
- Really? Care to make this a little more interesting?

Oh, you mean this could
get more interesting?

My God, what an exciting time to be alive.

I propose a challenge...
single guy versus married guy.

See who can get it
whenever they want it.

Fine, let's say tonight.

All right.

Well, there's gotta be some ground rules.
You're not allowed to lie or pay for it.

Dude, you're tying my hands.

And no tying their hands.

Well, I like it when...

All right, fine.

- What about... what about me? I want in.
- Why?

- To prove that I'm not becoming you.
- All right, fine. You can play.

All right! I'm the ringer!

Yes, we get it. Your fiancee's
a little easy with the...

those are sex noises... in case
you forgot what they sound like.

My lord, that is funny.

Timmy, you stick with Russell tonight and
make sure that he doesn't lie to get sex.

Grand.

You could just say, "okay."

No. You'll pay me a grand.

Fine, but you can't tell Audrey about
the challenge just so you can get some.

Yeah, 'cause if I told her there was a sex
bet, she'd be on her back in a heartbeat.

All right, let's meet
back here at midnight.

See who got the job done... or, shall
I say, who else got the job done.

- How much are we playing for?
- Nothing. Gentlemen's bet.

Hmm. Never before has an adjective
been less appropriate

This is bigger than money. This is to determine
once and for all when man is at his peak...

Single, engaged, or dead?

3x09 "The Challenge"

Transcripted by chamallow35
www.Addic7ed.com

- Hey, hon. Hey.
- I'd like some sex.

W... what, you weren't joking?

No, ma'am, I am not.

All right, tell you what. Let's have some
dinner and then we'll fool around after.

After is not good. Now is good.

Why?

Well, the longer we wait, the more chance I'll
say or do something stupid to ruin the mood.

Last week we were sharing
that bottle of wine,

you were wearing those pants
that made you look...

See!

Almost did it again. Now is the time.

Audrey, now is the time.

- Why not?
- Really? Awesome.

Here's your problem... dinner'll
be ready in 15 minutes.

Since when is that a problem?

Oh, look at me.

Not... screwing it up. Not
screwing it up. Oh, God.

What? You've seen it before.

There was a mouse! I... I
just saw him run out the door.

Then we're good to go.

I can't be romantic when
there's a mouse in here.

Who said it had to be romantic?

I'll take care of it.

We're not smashing a poor
little mouse with a bat.

Tennis racket?

You have to catch it and set it free.

Why, so it'll come back and
grant me three wishes?

Forget it, Jeff. Not with a
mouse. Not in this house.

Would you, could you in the hall?

All right, I'm gonna take care
of it, but then when I come back,

- Sex is on!
- Fine, fine, fine.

Just... just go. Go. Go.

I'll get the big pot from the kitchen.

Oh, no, I don't want a mouse in my good pot.

Well, is it any worse
than that chili you made?

See! This is why we should
have already done it.

Hello. I'm in the bedroom.

Yeah, you are.

This is gonna be too easy.

It's like having sex with fish in a barrel.

- Yeah. What's going on?
- I don't feel good at all.

You don't, honey?

'Cause you look hot.

I am hot. My temperature's 102.

Well, you... you feel okay
to me. You wanna fool around?

No! E... everything hurts. Don't touch me.

Don't... Touch you?

But... I'm the ringer.

Oh, yeah. This'll be no troub.

I'll have you home watching
masterpiece theatre in no time.

Sir, if I may,

don't you get a wee bit tired
of constantly trying to score?

Isn't the goal to meet someone
to spend your life with?

You got some weird ideas bangin'
around in that conut of yours, Timmy.

All right? Let's try to stay focused.

Forgive me, sir.

I forgot I'm merely here
to monitor your sex bet.

I forgot I'm merely here
to monitor your sex bet.

How are you not getting laid
with that accent, my man?

Now what about this one right here?

Ugh, looks drunk, damaged, and braless.
A fastball down Broadway for you, sir.

But remember... no lying.

No lying. No lying.

- Hi. I'm Lacey.
- I'm Danny Dakota. Ah, damn it.

- Well, I got him.
- Oh, thank God.

Well, you should have seen it. It was pretty
ugly close-up. Kind of like your friend Liz.

Wow. Take that, Liz.

He does not like being cooped up.

Oh, God, just... just get him...

Oh! Oh, my... my God!

- The mouse just ran across my foot.
- What? I thought he was in the box.

Wait, why are my shoes in the b...

Did you not catch him? Were you lying?

Only so you would enjoy your sex.

I'm not gonna enjoy any sex
in an apartment full of vermin.

Okay, look... I promise I
will get him this time.

And then we will have the
post-mouse hunting lovemaking.

Eww, okay... don't say "lovemaking."

That's almost as disgusting as the mouse.

Okay, then it'll be "wham,
bam, thank you, ma'am."

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, that feels nice. Yeah?

Yeah, hey, you know, maybe a little
physical activity would be good for you.

No, I'm too achy.

Oh, but honey, you know what they say...

you starve a fever, have sex with a cold.

Who says that?

People who know. Just relax.

- Mmm, you like that?
- No, it's my head.

It feels like a giant
bucket of snot and phlegm.

Do you know what might help?

You not saying stuff like that.

Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna puke.

Well, hurry back.

Okay, mouse, prepare to be outsmarted

by your intellectual superior.

Oh, yeah. I gotta tie this to the pencil.

What?!

So sensitive. God.

Really, sir?

What? You said to be honest.

So I did what you said. It
looked like it was a goiter.

Honest about yourself.

Now, you can do this.

- Let's give it another go.
- All right, governor.

Oh, this is probably
dumb-dumb calling to brag.

What?

- Hey, how's it going?
- It's going amazing.

I'm seconds away from closing the deal.

Hold on.

Hear that? That's the sound
of my fly being unzipped.

Give me a minute.

Hear that? That's the girl
that's unzipping my fly.

I'm telling her to just give me a minute.

By any chance, is she, like, sick?

No, no. I haven't slept with her yet.

- How are things going with you?
- The sex is gonna happen

any second now.

There she is. She's calling me.

I guess I'll see you in
an hour and 44 minutes.

How long?

Oh, I had no idea we had
such little time left.

Oh, understandable, sir.

Your watch is clear down the
other end of your tentacle.

Eh... don't get mouthy, Timmy.

It's time to get down to beeswax.

Hey, there. I like that coat.

- Thank you. It's crushed velvet.
- Oh, it is?

Well, is your name velvet?
'Cause I have a crush.

You've just been charmed by Russell.

Sarah.

- I'm in commercial real
estate. Uh, what do you do? - I'm a flight attendant.

Oh, that's interesting.
Where are you based?

Here in New York.

But this is the first time I've been home for a
while. I've been doing back-to-back trips to Asia.

Oh, that's a small world.

I was, uh, stationed in Asia during
my time with the Peace Corps.

No, he wasn't. Goodbye, Sarah.

How come you used a
cheerio instead of cheese?

Interesting story.

I ate all the cheese.

- Oh, my God.
- There it is. Oh! Get in there.

- Get in there.
- Kind of does look like Liz.

Get in there.

Go, go. Yes!

- Score!
- I can't believe that worked.

I'm a genius.

- I'm gonna put him in
the garbage downstairs. - What?! You can't put him in the garbage.

You have to let him go in the park.

- This time of night? He'll get mugged.
- I'll go with you.

We can't go out into the world.

What if I get into a fight
with someone on the elevator

like that fat idiot on nine
or that skinny jerk on four?

- Our sex will be in jeopardy.
- You...

really want me tonight.

That's kind of a turn-on.

Yeah, good. 'Cause that thing you just
said? That's our foreplay. Let's go.

- Come on, come on!
- Relax.

There's no air holes in this box.
Do you want little Liz to die?

Come on, let's take the stairs.

God!

Is that Jennifer?

There's no mouse in there.

Yeah, you should talk to her.
She's getting a reputation.

- You feeling any better?
- No.

Damn it!

You're really upset that
I'm sick, aren't you?

Yeah, it's just terrible.

Look, I've got a lot of medicine here.

"Fast-acting."

"Immediate relief."

"Time release?"

Why would I buy that?

I can't take these all together.

Why not? Honey, it'll be like a race to
see which one makes you feel better first.

Let's just start with this one.

Oh, it says only two.

Hey... it's just the recommended dosage.
These are very loose guidelines.

- Are you trying to kill me?
- It's not all about you, okay? Just take your medicine.

You feel better?

I just took them.

What about now?

- No.
- God.

What part of "fast-acting"
doesn't your body understand?

Now, who else can I hit on?
How about this girl over here?

You already told her you
were the musician Beck.

Oh, yeah. God, that used to work.
That dude needs another hit.

Who else do I look like?

Ellen.

All right. You know, maybe Jeff was right.

About what, sir?

Well, I can't pick up
women without lying to 'em.

- Sir... if I may.
- Sure. Oww!

You are Russell Dunbar.

You are an interesting, successful man.

You need not lie, for you already
possess all the necessary qualities

to coax a drunken woman of
questionable morals into bed.

Really? Are you just saying that?

No, I'm not, sir.

No, I'm not.

Now, look over there.

She's alone on her third Cadillac Margarita

and a short while ago
I noticed her crying.

Now, you have 47 minutes
to make this happen.

Now get out there and just be yourself.

You're not bad, Timmy. Thanks.

Well, sir, I've come to see you

as not merely a boss but also a friend.

And friends are there for one another.

Great. Now I only have 46 minutes.

Hey, I'm Russell. I couldn't
help but notice you over here.

- I'm Deborah.
- So what do you do, Deborah?

I work with at-risk teenagers.

That's a coincidence because, uh...

I've never helped anybody
in my whole life.

- That's honest.
- Yeah, it is.

It's actually kind of refreshing.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, I'm also one of the most
selfish people you'll ever meet.

You're so cute.

Aww, thanks.

You know, I... I have lifts in my shoes
and I'm not ashamed I look like Ellen.

Go, mouse! Be free.

Walk. Get. I miss him already.
Pull your pants down.

Relax.

Let's just go home.

There's no time. We have got
to do it right here, right now.

Why?

Because. We're in the park and together,

and the moon and the stars
... it's so romantic.

Let's do it in the dirt behind that tree.

You're crazy.

Yes, for you. Let's go.

What's going on back there?

- Just give us a minute, officer.
- I don't think so.

I literally mean one minute.

Let me get my coat. My apartment
is just around the corner.

She's taking me home. I didn't
have to lie about anything.

Because you're good enough
just the way you are, sir.

- That's right. No more lame facade.
- To the real you.

- My tooth!
- Are you all right, sir?

Oh, I don't know.

- How does it look?
- I'm back.

All right.

Oh, my God. Um, I need... I...

I forgot. I have to go.

You gotta what? What?!

Dude...

how much time have I got left?

Not enough.

I must have dozed off.

Wow, it's almost midnight.

Oh, look who suddenly
cares about the time.

You know what?

I think I feel a little better.

Really?

Yeah. Thanks to you for being
so sweet and taking care of me.

Anytime, baby. You know
that I'm here for you.

Okay. Nighty-night.

No! No nighty-night.

And that, my friends,
is how this happened.

Wow. That was some rough sex.

I've had rougher.

All right, single guy is
on the board. Married guy?

Well, your story's pretty hard to top.

But I'm about to do it.

Citation for public lewdness.

Audrey and I did it in the park.

Lewdly.

Married guy surprises us. Ringer?

Well, when I walked in, I mean,
she was already in bed and hot.

Right?

So I...

Oh, God. I can't do this.

I mean, the truth is Jennifer
is really sick and I didn't get any.

Lame, right? I mean, I could have
lied, but you guys are my friends.

Friends don't lie to each other.

All right, well...

I've got something to say.

You suck.

How about this?

Laid, lewd, loser.

Hey, your fiancee's a slut
and you still didn't get any!

That was great, Danny.

We Dakotas are a passionate lot.

And you were so limber.

I can't believe you broke
every bone in your body.

Every bone except...

Uh-one.

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