Original subtitles

Roseanne, I have a problem.

The carpet in the corner of my living room is loose.

I need Dan to fix it.

Jackie, remember when I was 10 years old

And I told you you could come to me

Any time that you had a problem?

Well, I was 10!

Well, he did build the place.

You know, he's supposed to fix that stuff.

What's bugging you?

Look what I found in David's room

When I was cleaning today.

[gasp]

Oh, man, that looks like pot.

[sniff]

Yep. That's pot all right.

Maryjane, stick, weed, dope.

Call it what you like, it's trouble.

You know, sometimes, Jackie,

You must strike yourself as weird.

Did you tell Dan about it yet?

No. He's in such a bad mood from work,

I'm afraid of what he would do to David.

Well, just get him in a really good mood,

And then you tell him.

Jackie, I hardly have the time

To get Dan all liquored up, have sex with him,

And make s'mores.

I will just wait for the perfect moment.

[Dan] D.J.! Get off the roof now!

He bolted.

How many times have I told you

To stay off the roof?

I wasn't on the roof.

Get in your room. You're grounded.

What?

Dan, I was the one

That told him he could play on the roof.

I figured it was safer than the park.

I get enough grief at work.

I don't need it when I come home.

Uh, Dan!

Uh, Jackie's carpet came untacked,

And she wants you to fix it immediately.

Jackie can go to hell!

No, not the right moment.

[theme]

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, hey, we're with the swedish bikini team.

Where's our free beer?

This is a waste of time.

Getting drunk isn't gonna cheer me up.

True, but you won't irritate me as much.

The guys at work are really ticking me off.

I can't get 'em to listen to me,

To take me seriously.

Oh, so they're just like the kids.

I can't afford to screw this job up, Roseanne.

I mean, it's okay to fail when you're 25,

But if you fail when you're 42,

You're a serious loser.

Now, that's not really true, honey.

I just told you that when you were 25

To make you feel better.

Great. The pressure's off.

Ah. Forget it.

You owe me another beer.

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, whoa, whoa.

What's Pete doing here?

He took the afternoon off

'cause he was supposed to be sick.

Well, maybe he is.

He ain't walking too steady.

That guy there is my biggest headache.

He comes in late. He does lousy work.

Twice last week, he had somebody else punch his time card for him.

You hate him, Dan?

I hate him.

You want to kill him?

I want to kill him.

You go kill him.

Bring me back some pretzels.

[giggling]

Thank you.

Feeling better?

Oh, Dan.

Hey, uh, I didn't expect to see you.

I bet you didn't.

Uh, Dan, do you know my wife Marissa?

No. Hey. Hello.

What did the doctor say?

Oh, he, uh, said I should stay off my feet

And drink plenty of fluids.

Look, pete, I don't like it

When my people lie to me.

Your people? What are you, moses?

Ha ha ha ha!

No, come on. I'm serious.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're right. I'm busted.

Let me make it up.

Let me buy you and your wife a beer.

All right. Uh...

I don't want to see you hung over tomorrow.

Don't worry.

If i'm hung over, I won't come in.

He'll be on time. He won't get drunk.

Ha ha.

Ha. So what the hell was that?

You went over there to yell at him.

You didn't do a damn thing.

And where's my pretzels?

Well, he's buying us a beer.

I'm handling it.

No, you're not.

You're just gonna bottle all your anger up,

And then you're gonna take it home

And take it out on somebody there.

I got my anger out. I told him I was upset.

He won't do it again.

Yeah, he will.

Pretty soon, his lunch breaks

Are gonna start being longer,

And then his diseases will be more exotic.

Then his relatives will start dropping like flies.

You're wrong. I can handle him.

I know him, Roseanne.

I am him, Dan.

Now, you got to start getting tough.

You are gonna have to start cracking down

On all these people that give you a hard time.

Fine. You're fired.

Wish you would have told me this 20 years ago.

Stop it, Roseanne. You're really starting to annoy me.

Starting? What, have you been ignoring me all night?

Look, you don't understand, Roseanne.

When I came into this job,

I had 30 guys under me

Who were all mad they weren't made foreman.

I can't fix every truck in the city by myself.

I got to get these guys to like me

So they'll work for me.

That isn't how it works, Dan.

People don't work for you because they like you.

They work for you because they fear you.

That's the way you work, Roseanne.

That's not the way I work.

Every boss i've ever had

Has been a total hard-ass jerk.

I always swore I wouldn't be that way.

If I become one of those guys,

I'll be a hypocrite.

I'm gonna deal with this my way.

If you don't like it, that's tough.

Dan, don't freak out.

David's not the first kid to bring pot in the house.

What?

Jackie, this is gonna be your shortest visit ever!

Well, you people argue so much,

I get so confused.

David was smoking pot in the house?

What is this new obsession with David all about?

David! I want to talk with you in the kitchen now!

You want to see me get tough?

No, Dan, not when you're so damn upset about pete.

That isn't fair to David.

I will handle it, okay?

David should be killed for the right reasons.

Don't forget, now. It can lead to other drugs

And theft.

And why do you think they call it dope?

And if you got a couple of eggs,

Fry those up and do the brain thing.

They never have an answer for that.

Something wrong?

David, sit down.

David,

Do you smoke pot?

Me? No. Of course not. I would never.

Twice.

Well, I found this in your room today.

Is that yours?

Yes.

Well, David, I guess I really don't need to tell you

That drugs can ruin your life,

Leaving you a physical, emotional, and spiritual wreck.

And I don't suppose that I have to tell you

That you can receive up to 5 years in prison,

According to the latest federal sentencing guidelines,

And I know because I read that in outlaw biker magazine.

But I can tell you

That there is a 12-year-old boy living here,

And if you ever bring drugs in my house again,

You're out, you got it?

I think so.

Do you have anything to add, Dan?

You know, you should really get down on your knees, David,

And thank us,

Because a lot of people would not be this cool.

I know.

Well?

Thank you for being so cool.

See how low drugs have made you sink, David?

This...

Is your brain.

Dan, a pan.

And this...

Is your brain on drugs.

Got it.

Go to your room, David,

While Mr. Connor and I decide your punishment.

You really showed me, Roseanne.

Well, I hope you took notes, Dan.

Yep. You were tough, you were firm,

And now that David fears you,

He'll never do that again.

And he respects me, Dan.

Only one thing wrong.

This is your pot, Roseanne.

What do you mean, that's my pot?

See how low drugs have made you sink?

Well, Dan, I think I would remember

Hiding pot in the house.

Not if you were stoned at the time.

I hid it.

Well, that's just great, Dan.

A very fine example you're setting for the kids,

Stealing their mother's stash.

Honey, I didn't steal it.

I put it away 20 years ago when we quit.

We quit? I just thought we were out.

Don't you remember?

You were pregnant with Becky,

And you told me to get rid of it.

Then why the hell didn't you?

I tried to flush it.

But as I watched it float helplessly...

I thought to myself, am I really ready

For this part of my life to be over with?

Next thing you know, I was down on my hands and knees

With an aquarium net and your hair dryer.

Oh, god, Dan, I--I feel terrible.

I blamed David for pot that was mine.

Do you think I owe him an apology?

Well, he said it was his,

So he probably has some,

And now he's gonna get rid of it.

We may be on to something here.

You could yell at him for something else

And see what he confesses to.

Have you guys decided on my punishment yet?

Not yet, young man.

I hope you realize

That you have put us into a very awkward position.

I'm really sorry.

Not half as sorry as I am, mister.

Felt good to apologize.

Hey, Darlene.

David? Where are you? I can barely hear you.

I'm at a phone booth.

The guy who lives here is letting me use it.

Well, why don't you just call from home?

I didn't want your parents to overhear this.

Oh, I get it.

So what do you want, abuse or heavy breathing?

I was just wondering

If you might have left something behind in your bedroom--

Your socks, your hairbrush, your marijuana?

What are you talking about? I don't smoke pot.

Dulls my hatred.

I know you've tried it, Darlene.

Well, i've tried sex with you, too.

Doesn't mean i'm addicted.

Well, if the pot's not yours and it's not mine,

Then whose is it?

All right, Becky.

Becky?

So then i'm off the hook.

I'll tell your mom I took the blame

'cause I thought the pot was yours.

And she'll say,

"well, if you thought it was Darlene's,

That must mean she smokes pot."

Well, no. Not necessarily, Mrs. Connor.

Oh, so she just sells it?

No, of course not, but--

But nothing. Darlene is dead.

When I see her, she's gonna need drugs to kill the pain.

Okay, okay. It's mine.

Very good.

You know, the hardest part

Is admitting you have a problem.

Feeling nostalgic?

No. I just hauled up the rest of my stuff from the basement,

And wanted to make sure there was nothing incriminating left.

Thought you threw out the stuff years ago.

No, that was your stuff.

"today is the first day of the rest of your life."

Yeah. Who knew it was gonna be such a long, bad day?

Still depressed about this David thing?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, make room for daddy.

Today I was a real man.

I took the bull by the horns.

I fired pete.

What for?

Because you told me to.

Well, Dan, you should always check with me

Before you do anything that I told you to do.

I did the right thing.

I handled it exactly correctly.

Man, I feel terrible.

When did it happen, Roseanne?

When did we go from doing stuff

To yelling at people for doing stuff?

When did we get old?

Well...For me,

I guess it was, uh...

The first time I ever discussed the corns on my feet

With a total stranger.

Mom, can billy sleep here tonight?

No. He's rude,

And I don't like his parents.

Well, then, can I sleep over there?

Yeah, sure.

This is it.

We're old.

We'll be old for a long, long time.

Then we'll be dead.

You know, we-- we have the house to ourselves tonight.

No! I'll roll it, i'll roll it!

You get too much spit on it.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Roseanne, here's your comforter back.

You know what that is?

You ain't gonna narc on us, are you?

What the hell are you doing?

You're rolling a joint

After yelling at David

For bringing pot in the house?

And you're using the coffee table mom gave you?

And you're doing it all wrong.

[sitar music]

Do you feel anything?

I'm not sure.

Maybe the stuff is too old.

Did I just say that sentence out loud?

We're stoned.

Do you have any more of those pudding pops?

No, this is the last one, and it's mine.

Well, I want it, Dan.

And if I have to, I swear to god,

I'm gonna rip your whole arm off to get it.

That would suck.

Roseanne.

Hmm.

You are the most wonderful, beautiful...

Sexy...

You know, thing.

I really, really love you.

What?

I thought this stuff would make me feel younger.

All I feel is old and tired and hungry.

Man, maybe this is how we got fat.

[woman] nobody loves me.

Oh, hi, Jackie. We thought you went home.

What do you mean? I got nothing.

No boyfriend, no meaningful job,

No husband, no family.

It's just me.

It's just me and my ganja.

[door closes]

Did you hear that?

Sounded like somebody's coming through the front door.

You shouldn't be all paranoid, Dan!

Birds, birds, birds!

Woo! Don't you hate that when you're stoned?

I don't like it any time!

[door closes]

Now don't tell me you didn't hear that.

Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?

[knock on door]

[d.J.] mom!

The jig is up!

D.J.

D.J.

D...J.

D.J. D.J.

Did you ever notice how weird that sounds?

D.J.

Shh!

[whispering] Dan, maintain.

And...

What do you want, D.J.?

God, you're right.

I forgot my sleeping bag.

Where is it?

Oh, well, it is out behind the house,

You know, past the yard, you know,

Uh, in that building back there, you know,

Where your dad always is with the tools and the car?

Thanks, mom.

Oh, my god. I'm, like, the worst mother

On the face of the earth.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am, Dan.

I don't even know where I sent my kid.

Well, say he falls down, you know,

And--and he breaks one of his organs,

And he needs a transplant from me,

But I can't give him any of my organs

Because they're all full of pot!

That's not going to happen, honey.

I just know.

There-- there's just no way

I--I could handle any kind of crisis thing.

Well, maybe I could.

Oh, god, I just want our normal lives back!

Were we ever really stupid enough to enjoy this?

Yes, we were, Dan.

But, you know, that was a very different time.

There was-- there was a war going on.

Everything was just a lot more fun.

Everything's okay.

We'll just get the rest of the stuff and flush it,

And we'll never ever do this again.

Let's go lay down.

What?

Let's go.

[Jackie] hey, guys?

I don't think this stuff is working.

Hey.

Listen, I don't blame you guys

For getting mad at me,

But i've been thinking about something,

And I got to tell you the truth.

The pot you found in the basement wasn't mine.

It's really important to me what you guys think about me.

And yeah, i'm not stupid enough to do drugs.

Yeah, I tried it when I was younger,

But i'm much too mature and smart now

To do anything that stupid.

I mean, I know guys at school that do it,

And they're just like these useless zombies.

There's no eggs left?

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