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Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org
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this one's called
"death and stuff,"
3
00:00:03,636 --> 00:00:05,834
and it was written by
my first ex-husband,
4
00:00:05,869 --> 00:00:08,400
bill pentland,
and uh, it was because
5
00:00:08,435 --> 00:00:11,501
when the show was
conceived it was called-
6
00:00:11,536 --> 00:00:14,334
it came back and the title
was "life and stuff."
7
00:00:14,369 --> 00:00:16,968
which i was like,
"what happened to roseanne?"
8
00:00:17,003 --> 00:00:19,434
and i made them
change it.
9
00:00:19,469 --> 00:00:21,968
but- so he wrote
"death and stuff"
10
00:00:22,003 --> 00:00:24,334
which is kind of
a nod to each other.
11
00:00:24,369 --> 00:00:26,200
but it's a really
funny show.
12
00:00:26,235 --> 00:00:28,534
he did a real good job
and i hope you enjoy it.
13
00:01:28,133 --> 00:01:30,400
ah, whatever happened
to dondi?
14
00:01:30,435 --> 00:01:32,667
didn't you hear? he married
little orphan annie.
15
00:01:32,702 --> 00:01:36,367
they're hoping for
a kid with eyes.
16
00:01:36,402 --> 00:01:38,834
have you guys
seen my jeans?
17
00:01:38,869 --> 00:01:41,367
no, darlene,
we don't wear your jeans.
18
00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:43,901
well, they didn't just
get up and walk away.
19
00:01:43,936 --> 00:01:45,701
well, yours could've.
20
00:01:45,736 --> 00:01:48,167
funny, mom.
21
00:01:48,202 --> 00:01:49,968
babe, did you
find the ad yet?
22
00:01:50,003 --> 00:01:51,033
ah, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
23
00:01:51,068 --> 00:01:53,834
ba-ba. yeah, here it is.
24
00:01:53,869 --> 00:01:56,601
"late model washer and dryer.
25
00:01:56,636 --> 00:02:00,534
great condition,
low noise, works dandy."
26
00:02:00,569 --> 00:02:02,567
ah, that's poetry, ain't it?
27
00:02:03,701 --> 00:02:05,133
you know,
that perfectly describes
28
00:02:05,168 --> 00:02:06,534
the washer and dryer
we just bought.
29
00:02:06,569 --> 00:02:08,334
now let me try
to run down the ad
30
00:02:08,369 --> 00:02:10,567
on the one we're
trying to unload.
31
00:02:10,602 --> 00:02:12,834
hey, you think i could
get any of these suckers
32
00:02:12,869 --> 00:02:14,567
in here to look at it
if i wrote,
33
00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:16,601
"lint screen broken,
agitator cracked,
34
00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:17,968
no knobs"?
35
00:02:18,003 --> 00:02:20,968
that sounds like you.
36
00:02:23,567 --> 00:02:26,801
well, look at you two.
37
00:02:26,836 --> 00:02:31,367
straight out of the pages
of gq and vogue.
38
00:02:31,402 --> 00:02:34,100
hey, jackie.
i saved cathy for you.
39
00:02:34,135 --> 00:02:37,100
there's some great tips
in there on landing a man.
40
00:02:37,135 --> 00:02:39,367
okay, then.
well, dan, i...
41
00:02:39,402 --> 00:02:41,534
i wish you
the best of luck.
42
00:02:46,736 --> 00:02:48,701
to the greek market
on 19TH street.
43
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:51,100
darlene's gotta take something
to school for greek week.
44
00:02:51,135 --> 00:02:54,067
why don't she take
adonis here?
45
00:02:55,234 --> 00:02:57,300
rOSEANNE: ooh, baby!
46
00:02:57,335 --> 00:02:58,701
hi, aunt jackie.
47
00:02:58,736 --> 00:03:01,267
monstroid.
48
00:03:01,302 --> 00:03:03,200
- you ready to roll?
- yep.
49
00:03:03,235 --> 00:03:04,234
where you rolling to?
50
00:03:04,269 --> 00:03:06,300
the baklava store.
51
00:03:06,335 --> 00:03:08,667
well, you're not going
no place looking like that.
52
00:03:08,702 --> 00:03:10,400
go upstairs
and comb your face.
53
00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:14,067
it takes four people
to make baklava?
54
00:03:14,102 --> 00:03:16,033
only darlene
is making baklava.
55
00:03:16,068 --> 00:03:17,701
the rest of us
are escaping.
56
00:03:17,736 --> 00:03:20,200
you mean you don't want
to spend a delightful sunday
57
00:03:20,235 --> 00:03:21,901
with mumsy and popsy?
58
00:03:21,936 --> 00:03:25,701
the two most boring people
on the face of the earth?
59
00:03:25,736 --> 00:03:27,834
sunday around here
is death.
60
00:03:27,869 --> 00:03:30,033
will dad have
a third cup of coffee?
61
00:03:31,068 --> 00:03:33,300
will mom get off
the sofa by noon?
62
00:03:33,335 --> 00:03:35,968
will you get the hell
out of my house?
63
00:03:38,167 --> 00:03:40,767
- and stay out!
- dAN: scram.
64
00:03:42,235 --> 00:03:44,834
well, baby,
we're all alone.
65
00:03:44,869 --> 00:03:46,634
ooh, no kids.
66
00:03:46,669 --> 00:03:49,234
what should we do?
67
00:03:52,968 --> 00:03:55,868
oh, you mustn't
go back to the sewers
68
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:58,367
from whence you came.
69
00:03:58,402 --> 00:04:02,167
oh, the tragedy of it all.
70
00:04:02,202 --> 00:04:06,601
i love you even though
you're not of my species.
71
00:04:06,636 --> 00:04:09,400
i thought i'd wrap
my great, big, warm paws
72
00:04:09,435 --> 00:04:11,300
around that
refrigerator compressor.
73
00:04:11,335 --> 00:04:13,167
ah, foiled again.
74
00:04:14,567 --> 00:04:17,734
hey, how long's this
manly job gonna take?
75
00:04:17,769 --> 00:04:20,467
oh, one hour,
two max. why?
76
00:04:20,502 --> 00:04:23,033
'cause i got a paycheck's worth
of beef in that freezer.
77
00:04:23,068 --> 00:04:26,267
no sweat, as long as
nobody opens the door.
78
00:04:27,502 --> 00:04:29,300
goodbye, my love.
79
00:04:29,335 --> 00:04:31,434
ahh.
80
00:04:38,736 --> 00:04:40,701
- go away.
- dAN: get it!
81
00:04:40,736 --> 00:04:42,701
it may be somebody for
the washer and dryer.
82
00:04:42,736 --> 00:04:44,801
why don't you
ever get it?
83
00:04:44,836 --> 00:04:48,400
i have to do every
damn thing around here.
84
00:04:48,435 --> 00:04:49,834
what?
85
00:04:49,869 --> 00:04:51,701
good afternoon, ma'am.
how are you today?
86
00:04:51,736 --> 00:04:53,534
i'd just like a moment
of your time.
87
00:04:53,569 --> 00:04:55,367
i already been saved.
88
00:04:56,501 --> 00:04:58,968
but not from dirt.
89
00:04:59,003 --> 00:05:01,701
yeah, well, who's in
the centerfold this month?
90
00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,601
i represent grease blitz,
91
00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:05,767
the ultimate
cleaning solution.
92
00:05:05,802 --> 00:05:07,601
well, i'm pleased to meet ya.
93
00:05:07,636 --> 00:05:10,767
i represent filth.
94
00:05:10,802 --> 00:05:14,734
this product is designed
for women just like you,
95
00:05:14,769 --> 00:05:17,634
who don't have the time
to deal with grime.
96
00:05:17,669 --> 00:05:21,901
well, i got the time.
i just like it.
97
00:05:21,936 --> 00:05:24,400
one demonstration
will convince you
98
00:05:24,435 --> 00:05:27,334
that you cannot live
without this supreme product.
99
00:05:28,901 --> 00:05:32,467
can i trouble you
for a glass of water?
100
00:05:32,502 --> 00:05:34,968
i've been...
on my feet all day.
101
00:05:35,003 --> 00:05:37,367
yeah, sure.
come on in.
102
00:05:37,402 --> 00:05:39,200
i really appreciate this.
103
00:05:40,269 --> 00:05:42,701
now watch out for that
baked-on grease.
104
00:05:42,736 --> 00:05:44,801
of course, after we
get out of the living room
105
00:05:44,836 --> 00:05:46,434
you oughta be safe.
106
00:05:46,469 --> 00:05:48,434
do i really
have to tell you
107
00:05:48,469 --> 00:05:49,934
not to let strangers
in the house?
108
00:05:49,969 --> 00:05:51,634
oh, he's just
a harmless old man.
109
00:05:51,669 --> 00:05:54,467
sure, harmless. why don't you
pick up a newspaper sometime.
110
00:05:54,502 --> 00:05:56,901
see how many of these
so-called harmless people
111
00:05:56,936 --> 00:05:58,367
turn out to be
serial killers.
112
00:05:58,402 --> 00:06:00,267
no, he ain't
no serial killer.
113
00:06:00,302 --> 00:06:03,901
anthony avadaca, age 68.
retired bakery truck worker.
114
00:06:03,936 --> 00:06:06,534
known to his neighbors
as kind, good with children,
115
00:06:06,569 --> 00:06:10,501
charged with the murder
of 22 innocent housewives.
116
00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:13,133
the bodies were scattered
all over eastern michigan
117
00:06:13,168 --> 00:06:14,968
in pieces of strudel.
118
00:06:15,003 --> 00:06:16,667
what kind of strudel?
119
00:06:16,702 --> 00:06:18,300
housewife strudel.
120
00:06:18,335 --> 00:06:21,434
well, he is
no serial killer, dan.
121
00:06:21,469 --> 00:06:23,434
he just wants to
drink a glass of water
122
00:06:23,469 --> 00:06:26,200
and sell me 2,000 bucks worth
of cleaning products.
123
00:06:26,235 --> 00:06:29,667
that's my second problem.
just don't buy anything.
124
00:06:29,702 --> 00:06:31,701
what makes you think
i'm gonna buy anything?
125
00:06:31,736 --> 00:06:34,834
'cause this looks like
aisle 12 at budget club.
126
00:06:34,869 --> 00:06:36,567
honey, i think
it's time you exercised
127
00:06:36,602 --> 00:06:38,434
a little
financial restraint.
128
00:06:38,469 --> 00:06:41,033
you know,
i think you're right.
129
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,267
i can't afford you anymore.
get out!
130
00:06:44,567 --> 00:06:46,200
listen you,
i'm saving us a bundle
131
00:06:46,235 --> 00:06:48,667
by fixing that compressor
under the fridge.
132
00:06:48,702 --> 00:06:51,167
yeah, unless you screw up
and have to pay some repairman
133
00:06:51,202 --> 00:06:52,901
double sunday overtime.
134
00:06:52,936 --> 00:06:55,033
hey, you, i got a manual.
135
00:06:55,068 --> 00:06:56,300
- ah, you...
- what's that?
136
00:06:56,335 --> 00:06:57,934
nothing, dear.
137
00:06:57,969 --> 00:06:59,167
all right.
138
00:06:59,202 --> 00:07:01,968
oh, i'm sorry, mister,
139
00:07:02,003 --> 00:07:05,100
but we're gonna have
to skip the demonstration.
140
00:07:07,033 --> 00:07:09,701
excuse me. mister?
141
00:07:09,736 --> 00:07:12,400
mister? come on.
142
00:07:12,435 --> 00:07:14,300
- mister?
- what's wrong?
143
00:07:14,335 --> 00:07:16,367
- honey, he passed out.
- from what?
144
00:07:16,402 --> 00:07:18,934
i don't know.
go check his pulse.
145
00:07:18,969 --> 00:07:21,000
you check his pulse.
146
00:07:26,634 --> 00:07:29,400
- oh, my god.
- what? what's wrong?
147
00:07:29,435 --> 00:07:31,434
i think- he's dead,
is what's wrong.
148
00:07:31,469 --> 00:07:34,200
check it again.
149
00:07:34,235 --> 00:07:37,567
i know how to count to zero.
150
00:07:42,367 --> 00:07:46,567
crying banatlies,
what are we gonna do?
151
00:07:46,602 --> 00:07:49,901
i'll call 9-1-1, and you see
if you can find out who he is.
152
00:07:49,936 --> 00:07:52,767
- how am i supposed to do that?
- well, look for his wallet!
153
00:07:56,067 --> 00:07:58,133
what are you doing with those?
154
00:07:58,168 --> 00:08:01,601
i'm gonna make a salad.
155
00:08:01,636 --> 00:08:03,000
come on, dan!
156
00:08:03,035 --> 00:08:05,067
roseanne, there's no way
i'm sticking my hands
157
00:08:05,102 --> 00:08:07,000
into this guy's pockets.
158
00:08:08,734 --> 00:08:10,834
hello?
159
00:08:10,869 --> 00:08:12,501
he has no wallet.
160
00:08:12,536 --> 00:08:14,701
yeah, i'll hold.
161
00:08:17,167 --> 00:08:20,267
hey, i don't mean to be
an ungracious hostess here,
162
00:08:20,302 --> 00:08:22,601
but...
when do you think
163
00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:25,834
our guest
might be leaving?
164
00:08:25,869 --> 00:08:28,067
soon as the coroner
pronounces the subject dead.
165
00:08:28,102 --> 00:08:29,934
then the body can be moved.
166
00:08:29,969 --> 00:08:32,534
hey, i pronounced him dead
over a half hour ago.
167
00:08:32,569 --> 00:08:34,033
that's true, she did.
168
00:08:34,068 --> 00:08:36,100
the coroner needs to make
that determination.
169
00:08:36,135 --> 00:08:38,767
you do not want to be
wrong about dead.
170
00:08:38,802 --> 00:08:41,367
no, siree, that would be
a real catastrophe.
171
00:08:41,402 --> 00:08:43,901
that guy shouldn't even
have been in the house.
172
00:08:43,936 --> 00:08:46,133
we're talking nine, ten hours
of paperwork, easy.
173
00:08:46,168 --> 00:08:47,801
i'll just go out to my car,
174
00:08:47,836 --> 00:08:50,400
radio the coroner's office,
have them check with the morgue
175
00:08:50,435 --> 00:08:52,367
make sure they got room
in the fridge. so...
176
00:08:52,402 --> 00:08:54,801
see if they got room
for a rump roast.
177
00:08:54,836 --> 00:08:58,300
roseanne, the refrigerator
will get fixed.
178
00:08:58,335 --> 00:09:00,400
forget about the refrigerator.
what are we gonna do
179
00:09:00,435 --> 00:09:03,033
if somebody comes over here
to look at that washer and dryer
180
00:09:03,068 --> 00:09:06,100
and they see our company
still laying here?
181
00:09:06,135 --> 00:09:07,434
r
182
00:09:07,469 --> 00:09:09,834
i invited the guy in the house
in the first place.
183
00:09:09,869 --> 00:09:12,667
so i invited him in.
so what?
184
00:09:12,702 --> 00:09:14,701
i didn't buy anything.
185
00:09:14,736 --> 00:09:17,100
only 'cause he dropped dead!
186
00:09:17,135 --> 00:09:20,167
that still counts.
now look it,
187
00:09:20,202 --> 00:09:22,234
usually if somebody
drops dead in my kitchen
188
00:09:22,269 --> 00:09:25,501
i will take the blame
but this is nobody's fault.
189
00:09:25,536 --> 00:09:28,067
dARLENE: why is there a cop car
outside our house?
190
00:09:28,102 --> 00:09:29,100
cop car?
191
00:09:29,135 --> 00:09:31,334
oh, engine trouble.
192
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:35,000
is that for your baklava?
193
00:09:35,035 --> 00:09:36,167
yeah, that.
194
00:09:36,202 --> 00:09:39,033
one pound of bak,
two pounds of lava.
195
00:09:39,068 --> 00:09:41,300
you guys take that
in the kitchen.
196
00:09:41,335 --> 00:09:43,067
oh, no, dan, you go get
the bags for them.
197
00:09:43,102 --> 00:09:44,667
you kids stay
out of the kitchen.
198
00:09:44,702 --> 00:09:45,767
bECKY: why?
199
00:09:45,802 --> 00:09:48,234
i washed the floors in there.
200
00:09:48,269 --> 00:09:49,767
so how come dad can go in?
201
00:09:49,802 --> 00:09:51,701
he helped me.
202
00:09:51,736 --> 00:09:54,968
you washed the floors
on a sunday?
203
00:09:55,003 --> 00:09:57,300
yeah, i'm gonna start washing
the floors every sunday.
204
00:09:57,335 --> 00:09:58,834
like every sunday,
you're gonna start
205
00:09:58,869 --> 00:10:01,100
taking the kids to movies
and stuff like that.
206
00:10:01,135 --> 00:10:02,300
what?
207
00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:03,934
we're all turning over
a new leaf.
208
00:10:03,969 --> 00:10:06,467
i'm gonna be a better housekeeper,
you'll be a better aunt.
209
00:10:06,502 --> 00:10:08,701
what are you doing?
how come you're kicking us out?
210
00:10:08,736 --> 00:10:10,701
i know what i'm doing
and what you're doing.
211
00:10:10,736 --> 00:10:12,300
now take them to a movie
and when it's over
212
00:10:12,335 --> 00:10:13,868
call me and we can
meet for dinner.
213
00:10:13,903 --> 00:10:15,667
what about my baklava?
it's due tomorrow.
214
00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:17,267
i haven't forgotten
about you.
215
00:10:17,302 --> 00:10:20,501
i'm still trying
to reach the coroner.
216
00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:22,934
- ha, ha, ha.
- coroner?
217
00:10:22,969 --> 00:10:24,167
who died?
218
00:10:24,202 --> 00:10:25,767
yeah, who died?
219
00:10:25,802 --> 00:10:28,501
some guy.
we don't know his name.
220
00:10:28,536 --> 00:10:30,133
he's a salesman.
221
00:10:30,168 --> 00:10:32,634
he came to the door
right after you left.
222
00:10:32,669 --> 00:10:34,734
he died in our house?
223
00:10:34,769 --> 00:10:37,567
did the policeman
shoot him?
224
00:10:37,602 --> 00:10:40,501
no, honey, he just
kind of wound down
225
00:10:40,536 --> 00:10:43,534
like when your toys
need new batteries.
226
00:10:43,569 --> 00:10:45,734
i've never seen a dead body.
227
00:10:45,769 --> 00:10:48,067
yeah, where'd you guys
stash him?
228
00:10:48,102 --> 00:10:50,834
- he's in the kitchen.
- you don't need to see him.
229
00:10:50,869 --> 00:10:54,734
i'll be the judge of that.
230
00:10:54,769 --> 00:10:56,534
so what's gonna
happen to him?
231
00:10:56,569 --> 00:10:58,267
well, when
the coroner gets here
232
00:10:58,302 --> 00:11:00,200
he's gonna take care
of everything.
233
00:11:00,235 --> 00:11:02,467
umm, let's go upstairs.
234
00:11:02,502 --> 00:11:04,434
i'm gonna go...
take a peek.
235
00:11:04,469 --> 00:11:07,334
- me too.
- no, you're not.
236
00:11:07,369 --> 00:11:09,334
listen, you take
your little brother outside
237
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:11,567
and go play and have fun.
238
00:11:11,602 --> 00:11:14,133
all right, deej, let's go
wait for the meat wagon.
239
00:11:14,168 --> 00:11:17,801
i hope that guy
gets here soon.
240
00:11:17,836 --> 00:11:20,167
i ain't touching
that refrigerator
241
00:11:20,202 --> 00:11:21,934
till willy loman's outta here.
242
00:11:24,834 --> 00:11:26,734
did you get a hold
of the coroner?
243
00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,934
no, but i did get
a hold of his wife.
244
00:11:28,969 --> 00:11:31,234
he's in the middle of
a golf tournament.
245
00:11:31,269 --> 00:11:32,801
so get him.
246
00:11:32,836 --> 00:11:35,300
you don't know the coroner
when it comes to golf.
247
00:11:35,335 --> 00:11:38,567
you don't know me when it
comes to stiffs in my kitchen.
248
00:11:38,602 --> 00:11:41,834
- how long is this gonna take?
- well, he just teed off.
249
00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:43,601
it's the member's
guest tournament,
250
00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:45,334
and it is jammed out there.
251
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,934
well, don't look at me!
252
00:11:51,969 --> 00:11:53,734
if we would have had sex
like i wanted to,
253
00:11:53,769 --> 00:11:56,000
none of this would have
ever happened.
254
00:11:59,968 --> 00:12:02,267
why can't we move
mr. excitement
255
00:12:02,302 --> 00:12:04,734
out to the garage
or something like that?
256
00:12:04,769 --> 00:12:06,901
lady, rules are rules.
the body cannot be moved
257
00:12:06,936 --> 00:12:08,901
until the coroner gets here.
258
00:12:10,734 --> 00:12:12,968
oh, what the hell.
259
00:12:21,767 --> 00:12:24,534
what did you do?
260
00:12:24,569 --> 00:12:26,934
i just lifted the sheet
to take a look.
261
00:12:26,969 --> 00:12:29,033
look, just don't touch him.
262
00:12:29,068 --> 00:12:30,834
don't fool around,
don't put your hands on him.
263
00:12:30,869 --> 00:12:32,901
just don't, okay?
264
00:12:32,936 --> 00:12:35,901
well, i've never seen
a dead body before.
265
00:12:35,936 --> 00:12:37,634
well, if that coroner
don't get here,
266
00:12:37,669 --> 00:12:39,434
you're gonna be
eating dinner with one.
267
00:12:40,901 --> 00:12:43,167
gross!
268
00:12:43,202 --> 00:12:46,200
mr. connor, will you
give me a hand, please?
269
00:12:46,235 --> 00:12:48,334
you gotta be kidding me.
270
00:12:48,369 --> 00:12:52,334
well, dan,
that's how i found you.
271
00:12:52,369 --> 00:12:54,367
we gotta put the body back
272
00:12:54,402 --> 00:12:56,734
into the original position
in which it was found.
273
00:12:56,769 --> 00:13:00,601
good, originally it was found
standing at the front door.
274
00:13:00,636 --> 00:13:02,467
hey, you're the authorities.
275
00:13:02,502 --> 00:13:04,133
if you want him moved,
you move him.
276
00:13:04,168 --> 00:13:05,601
thanks.
277
00:13:07,501 --> 00:13:10,167
when's the body
gonna start to rot?
278
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:15,367
i think i got
a few good years left.
279
00:13:18,234 --> 00:13:21,234
well, i gotta make
my baklava.
280
00:13:21,269 --> 00:13:22,834
so what's stopping you?
281
00:13:22,869 --> 00:13:25,334
it's getting late, huh?
282
00:13:25,369 --> 00:13:27,100
is there gonna be
enough room on the table
283
00:13:27,135 --> 00:13:28,801
for me to lay out
my phyllo dough?
284
00:13:28,836 --> 00:13:30,767
phyllo dough?
what are you making?
285
00:13:30,802 --> 00:13:32,667
oh, baklava.
it's for school.
286
00:13:36,102 --> 00:13:39,667
- you know greek?
- yeah, i am greek.
287
00:13:39,702 --> 00:13:41,334
prove it.
288
00:13:44,033 --> 00:13:45,868
how long is this stuff
supposed to bake?
289
00:13:45,903 --> 00:13:48,601
well, until the crust
is nicely browned
290
00:13:48,636 --> 00:13:51,334
but not dried out.
you see, it's okay now,
291
00:13:51,369 --> 00:13:53,701
but we should check it
in about half an hour.
292
00:13:53,736 --> 00:13:55,701
okay?
293
00:13:55,736 --> 00:13:58,200
man, i hate working
on sundays, don't you?
294
00:13:58,235 --> 00:13:59,601
come on.
295
00:14:02,302 --> 00:14:05,734
you seen my manual?
296
00:14:05,769 --> 00:14:07,701
what did i do with it?
297
00:14:07,736 --> 00:14:09,734
oh.
298
00:14:21,601 --> 00:14:23,968
look, uh...
299
00:14:24,003 --> 00:14:26,000
i'll make you a deal, uh...
300
00:14:26,035 --> 00:14:28,434
you don't bother me, and...
301
00:14:31,003 --> 00:14:33,334
what do we got here.
302
00:14:33,369 --> 00:14:35,868
oh, let's see.
303
00:15:08,834 --> 00:15:11,434
thought we had a deal.
304
00:15:21,068 --> 00:15:23,467
oh!
305
00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:35,701
well, jeez,
i guess i just can't
306
00:15:35,736 --> 00:15:38,801
leave you boys alone
for five minutes.
307
00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:45,434
i hate you and everything
you stand for.
308
00:15:48,035 --> 00:15:50,000
dARLENE: i'll get it.
309
00:15:50,035 --> 00:15:52,567
you owe me.
you owe me forever.
310
00:15:52,602 --> 00:15:55,334
rump roast, dan.
rump roast.
311
00:15:55,369 --> 00:15:57,167
dARLENE: someone's here.
312
00:15:57,202 --> 00:16:00,501
great. tell him
we're in the kitchen.
313
00:16:00,536 --> 00:16:02,234
finally.
314
00:16:02,269 --> 00:16:05,100
the washer and dryer
are right over there.
315
00:16:06,701 --> 00:16:09,834
hi, i'm donnie carosek
and this is my wife, carol.
316
00:16:09,869 --> 00:16:11,200
- hi.
- hi, i'm dan connor.
317
00:16:11,235 --> 00:16:14,033
this is my wife, roseanne
and my daughter, darlene.
318
00:16:14,068 --> 00:16:17,834
dad, aren't you gonna
introduce them to uncle edward?
319
00:16:17,869 --> 00:16:19,567
darlene, honey,
320
00:16:19,602 --> 00:16:22,667
why don't you run along
and play, sweetheart?
321
00:16:22,702 --> 00:16:27,300
well, the neighborhood's
kinda... dead today.
322
00:16:27,335 --> 00:16:28,968
darlene.
323
00:16:29,003 --> 00:16:30,667
i'm gone, i'm gone!
324
00:16:32,033 --> 00:16:34,434
i guess you guys want to
see the washer and dryer.
325
00:16:34,469 --> 00:16:37,300
i believe we still have
a set in stock.
326
00:16:37,335 --> 00:16:39,067
is this a good time?
327
00:16:39,102 --> 00:16:40,400
oh, yeah,
328
00:16:40,435 --> 00:16:42,868
we're...
all just kicking back.
329
00:16:42,903 --> 00:16:45,601
washer and dryer
are right in here.
330
00:16:52,467 --> 00:16:55,067
i think i got becky
feeling better.
331
00:16:55,102 --> 00:16:58,634
- how'd you manage that?
- a quart of scotch.
332
00:16:59,934 --> 00:17:02,334
- very funny.
- how's he doing?
333
00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:04,434
he's still dead.
334
00:17:04,469 --> 00:17:06,767
probably doing better
than any of us.
335
00:17:06,802 --> 00:17:08,934
that's the cosmic joke,
roseanne.
336
00:17:08,969 --> 00:17:10,834
he's the happiest man
on the planet.
337
00:17:10,869 --> 00:17:12,734
how do you figure that?
338
00:17:12,769 --> 00:17:14,200
his troubles are over.
339
00:17:14,235 --> 00:17:16,634
never again have to
stand in a line,
340
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,567
he'll never again
have to listen to
341
00:17:18,602 --> 00:17:21,667
the muzak version
of muskrat love.
342
00:17:23,133 --> 00:17:25,000
never again have
to eat a hamburger
343
00:17:25,035 --> 00:17:28,067
and bite into one of those
little hard things.
344
00:17:29,534 --> 00:17:33,767
how do you feel about
electric shock therapy?
345
00:17:36,033 --> 00:17:38,868
well, uh... i don't know,
honey. what do you think?
346
00:17:38,903 --> 00:17:41,567
i don't know.
what are you asking for it?
347
00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:42,834
$125.
348
00:17:42,869 --> 00:17:44,567
yeah, but there's
no knobs
349
00:17:44,602 --> 00:17:45,934
and the lint
screen's broke.
350
00:17:45,969 --> 00:17:47,400
okay, 50 bucks.
351
00:17:47,435 --> 00:17:49,767
well?
352
00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:51,267
- it's time.
- it's time.
353
00:17:51,302 --> 00:17:53,534
- it is time.
- time for what?
354
00:17:53,569 --> 00:17:55,567
it's time for his medicine.
355
00:17:55,602 --> 00:17:57,601
it's medicine time.
it's medicine time.
356
00:17:57,636 --> 00:17:59,100
it's his medicine time.
357
00:17:59,135 --> 00:18:02,467
it's medicine time. uh...
medicine time.
358
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,701
well, you guys
are gonna have to go now,
359
00:18:09,736 --> 00:18:12,167
'cause it's time for him to
take his medicine and everything.
360
00:18:12,202 --> 00:18:16,167
what does he take
the medicine for?
361
00:18:16,202 --> 00:18:18,200
muscle spasms in his neck.
362
00:18:18,235 --> 00:18:19,801
$35, we'll discuss it
in the other room.
363
00:18:19,836 --> 00:18:21,467
rosie, you give him
his medicine.
364
00:18:21,502 --> 00:18:23,667
you know, my aunt had
terrible neck spasms.
365
00:18:23,702 --> 00:18:25,767
sometimes all she needed
was a good massage.
366
00:18:25,802 --> 00:18:28,100
that's a great idea, honey.
367
00:18:28,135 --> 00:18:30,534
why don't you take the caroseks
in the living room,
368
00:18:30,569 --> 00:18:32,667
and i'll- i'll work
on uncle edward.
369
00:18:32,702 --> 00:18:34,334
i hope this isn't
out of place,
370
00:18:34,369 --> 00:18:37,534
but i am
a massage therapist.
371
00:18:39,634 --> 00:18:41,467
boy, he is stiff.
372
00:18:41,502 --> 00:18:45,434
$7.50, but you gotta say yes.
373
00:18:46,968 --> 00:18:49,100
how are you doing, honey?
374
00:18:49,135 --> 00:18:51,501
a lot better than him.
375
00:18:51,536 --> 00:18:53,667
i feel bad for him.
376
00:18:53,702 --> 00:18:55,901
poor old man has to go
door-to-door to earn a living,
377
00:18:55,936 --> 00:18:58,367
and he ends his life
in the kitchen of a house
378
00:18:58,402 --> 00:19:00,167
he was never even in before.
379
00:19:00,202 --> 00:19:02,133
well...
380
00:19:02,168 --> 00:19:05,100
if you were feeling any
different than you're feeling,
381
00:19:05,135 --> 00:19:07,200
something would
definitely be wrong.
382
00:19:07,235 --> 00:19:10,234
well, then there's obviously
something wrong with darlene.
383
00:19:10,269 --> 00:19:12,634
no, there isn't, honey.
384
00:19:12,669 --> 00:19:14,701
she feels
just as bad as you.
385
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:17,167
she just shows it
in a different way.
386
00:19:19,335 --> 00:19:20,934
oh, great.
387
00:19:20,969 --> 00:19:22,834
mom, there's
an ambulance outside.
388
00:19:22,869 --> 00:19:24,901
yeah, and some guy
with a golf bag.
389
00:19:24,936 --> 00:19:27,467
well, it better be the coroner
'cause if it's a golf salesman
390
00:19:27,502 --> 00:19:30,000
we're out of chairs.
391
00:19:30,035 --> 00:19:32,834
how's my baklava?
392
00:19:32,869 --> 00:19:34,634
it's very hot.
don't touch it.
393
00:19:34,669 --> 00:19:36,100
ouch! it's hot.
394
00:19:36,135 --> 00:19:37,801
you think just
'cause you got a gun
395
00:19:37,836 --> 00:19:40,100
she's gonna listen to you?
396
00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:43,734
oh, that must be dave.
397
00:19:43,769 --> 00:19:46,234
should we put the sheet
back over him?
398
00:19:46,269 --> 00:19:48,400
let's just put it
right back on d.j.'s bed.
399
00:19:48,435 --> 00:19:50,367
let's put it
on darlene's bed.
400
00:19:50,402 --> 00:19:52,501
let's see who can
yell the loudest.
401
00:19:52,536 --> 00:19:53,701
i can! now shut up.
402
00:20:00,968 --> 00:20:03,868
yep. he's dead.
403
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:06,234
there's that in-depth
medical expertise
404
00:20:06,269 --> 00:20:08,000
we've been waiting for.
405
00:20:08,035 --> 00:20:10,501
write him up, gene.
406
00:20:10,536 --> 00:20:11,901
bag him, hank.
407
00:20:11,936 --> 00:20:14,934
- hANK: name?
- gENE: uh, john doe.
408
00:20:22,402 --> 00:20:24,868
a guy shouldn't have
to live his whole life
409
00:20:24,903 --> 00:20:27,400
just to be buried
as john doe.
410
00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:29,434
well, they'll find out
his real name tomorrow.
411
00:20:29,469 --> 00:20:31,501
he needs a name tonight.
412
00:20:31,536 --> 00:20:34,334
well, what are we
gonna call him?
413
00:20:34,369 --> 00:20:36,534
he kind of
looks like a charlie.
414
00:20:38,968 --> 00:20:41,767
maybe he
looks like a george?
415
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:46,567
he's a william,
416
00:20:46,602 --> 00:20:48,534
definitely a william.
417
00:20:48,569 --> 00:20:50,901
william it is.
418
00:20:56,701 --> 00:20:59,601
hey, hold on a second.
419
00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:06,534
i don't know where
you're going, mister,
420
00:21:06,569 --> 00:21:09,834
but if you bump into
janis joplin,
421
00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:12,234
tell her i said hi.
422
00:21:26,634 --> 00:21:30,467
i tried that technique
you told me about.
423
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:43,601
where's d.j.?
424
00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:44,801
d.j.!
425
00:21:44,836 --> 00:21:48,367
oh, i'm so glad
we have an intercom.
426
00:21:48,402 --> 00:21:52,200
he's been upstairs all day
making gifts for everyone,
427
00:21:52,235 --> 00:21:54,667
but he won't say
what they are.
428
00:21:54,702 --> 00:21:56,334
who cares?
429
00:21:56,369 --> 00:21:59,968
okay, everybody,
close your eyes.
430
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:04,534
- okay, open your eyes.
- what'd you get us, bub?
431
00:22:04,569 --> 00:22:07,033
toe tags.
432
00:22:08,033 --> 00:22:18,033
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