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Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org
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hey! give those back,
you little booger!
3
00:00:59,536 --> 00:01:02,501
- i'm not a booger.
- give 'em back, i said!
4
00:01:02,536 --> 00:01:04,000
no!
5
00:01:04,035 --> 00:01:06,234
give 'em back,
you little thief!
6
00:01:06,269 --> 00:01:08,634
give 'em back,
i said!
7
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:11,467
hey, you two, what
about a cease fire?
8
00:01:11,502 --> 00:01:13,467
d.j. took
my sunglasses.
9
00:01:13,502 --> 00:01:16,467
- they're my sunglasses.
- you liar, they're mine!
10
00:01:16,502 --> 00:01:18,501
- they're mine!
- they're mine!
11
00:01:18,536 --> 00:01:21,167
they're mine.
12
00:01:21,202 --> 00:01:24,634
i'm gonna be, like, the
most awesome kid at the mall.
13
00:01:25,934 --> 00:01:27,934
well, aside from you,
my gorgeous
14
00:01:27,969 --> 00:01:30,934
and eternally hip
young daughter.
15
00:01:30,969 --> 00:01:33,000
thanks,
my loving mother
16
00:01:33,035 --> 00:01:35,000
who's still living
in woodstock.
17
00:01:36,701 --> 00:01:39,701
come on, everybody. let's get
a move on. come on, come on.
18
00:01:39,736 --> 00:01:41,934
becky, come on! we're
leaving in five minutes,
19
00:01:41,969 --> 00:01:45,267
eye shadow
or no eye shadow!
20
00:01:45,302 --> 00:01:47,701
bECKY: we can't go until i find my magazine!
21
00:01:47,736 --> 00:01:49,701
i need the picture
of that dress.
22
00:01:49,736 --> 00:01:52,267
don't you have it
engraved in your memory?
23
00:01:52,302 --> 00:01:54,200
dan?!
24
00:01:55,367 --> 00:01:58,234
- are you dead?
- dAN: yes!
25
00:01:58,269 --> 00:02:00,234
that's too bad, honey,
26
00:02:00,269 --> 00:02:02,434
'cause you still
gotta buy shoes.
27
00:02:04,701 --> 00:02:06,701
now, where are
we meeting?
28
00:02:06,736 --> 00:02:10,100
- in the bookstore by call it salad.
- at 4:00, sharp.
29
00:02:10,135 --> 00:02:12,901
oh, you're just
a little memory bank.
30
00:02:12,936 --> 00:02:16,133
you give us the same speech
every time we go to the mall-
31
00:02:16,168 --> 00:02:18,767
no jumping on waterbeds,
no perfume fights-
32
00:02:18,802 --> 00:02:20,234
no falafel.
33
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:25,300
- look at that dress.
- d.j., give it a rest.
34
00:02:25,335 --> 00:02:27,968
this is the one i want for that
"one enchanted evening" dance.
35
00:02:28,003 --> 00:02:29,968
pretty snazzy threads
for an evening
36
00:02:30,003 --> 00:02:32,434
that's going
to end at 9:30.
37
00:02:32,469 --> 00:02:34,033
- hi!
- hi.
38
00:02:34,068 --> 00:02:37,000
- hi.
- aunt jackie, i found the dress i want.
39
00:02:37,035 --> 00:02:39,234
ouch! hot stuff.
40
00:02:39,269 --> 00:02:41,934
when i walk into that gym,
everyone's going to notice me.
41
00:02:41,969 --> 00:02:43,901
yeah, and then
they're going to puke.
42
00:02:50,802 --> 00:02:53,334
if i don't get this dress,
i'll kill myself.
43
00:02:53,369 --> 00:02:56,067
honey, bad luck
to kill yourself
44
00:02:56,102 --> 00:02:58,801
before the biggest
sale of the year-
45
00:02:58,836 --> 00:03:01,968
lanford mall
spring-a-thon.
46
00:03:02,003 --> 00:03:05,434
they're having this awesome thing
called the blue light-a-thon.
47
00:03:05,469 --> 00:03:08,834
if a blue light flashes while you're
touching something, you get it for free.
48
00:03:08,869 --> 00:03:11,133
my luck, i'll be
touching myself.
49
00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:15,300
- i'm going to wait in the car.
- me, too.
50
00:03:15,335 --> 00:03:18,334
- me three.
- so funny, i forgot to laugh.
51
00:03:18,369 --> 00:03:20,634
are you looking
for anything special?
52
00:03:20,669 --> 00:03:23,868
just the usual
lanford excitement.
53
00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:26,267
roseanne, what's
wrong with these?
54
00:03:26,302 --> 00:03:28,300
why are you telling me
i need new shoes?
55
00:03:28,335 --> 00:03:30,467
because she lives
56
00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:33,300
to torment you,
like i do.
57
00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:37,067
thanks so for sharing.
58
00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:41,400
- now go home.
- no, no, no, i'm coming along
59
00:03:41,435 --> 00:03:43,400
to make sure
you get the shoes
60
00:03:43,435 --> 00:03:45,734
'cause i'm tired of hearing
roseanne complain about it.
61
00:03:45,769 --> 00:03:47,868
d.j. and darlene
are killing each other.
62
00:03:47,903 --> 00:03:50,467
what's the bad news?
63
00:04:02,334 --> 00:04:04,767
i love
the live music.
64
00:04:04,802 --> 00:04:06,801
you should
soak it in now
65
00:04:06,836 --> 00:04:09,100
'cause they ain't gonna
be live much longer.
66
00:04:09,135 --> 00:04:12,200
i've been to a lot
of a-thons in my day,
67
00:04:12,235 --> 00:04:14,634
but i must say
this is
68
00:04:14,669 --> 00:04:16,701
the a-thon to end
all a-thons.
69
00:04:16,736 --> 00:04:18,968
come on, i want to get to the ultimate.
70
00:04:19,003 --> 00:04:21,434
we got to wait for your dad to park the car,
71
00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:24,167
and then we got to
hear the epic saga.
72
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,567
can i have a dollar
for a cherry guzzle?
73
00:04:27,602 --> 00:04:29,634
- i thought you brought money.
- i did,
74
00:04:29,669 --> 00:04:31,634
but i'm not
spending it on food.
75
00:04:31,669 --> 00:04:34,133
cherry guzzle ain't food.
it's toxic waste.
76
00:04:36,033 --> 00:04:38,934
please, mom?
i'm dying of thirst.
77
00:04:38,969 --> 00:04:42,234
all right, i guess your life's worth a buck.
78
00:04:42,269 --> 00:04:44,734
thanks.
79
00:04:44,769 --> 00:04:47,501
how come it takes dad
so long to park the car?
80
00:04:47,536 --> 00:04:50,400
'cause he's gotta drive around
20 minutes to find a spot
81
00:04:50,435 --> 00:04:53,567
two inches closer than the
one he found 10 minutes before.
82
00:04:53,602 --> 00:04:56,133
i just know that
at this very moment
83
00:04:56,168 --> 00:04:59,067
some other girl in the ultimate's
buying the same dress i want.
84
00:04:59,102 --> 00:05:02,033
honey, what did i tell you about
being paranoid schizophrenic?
85
00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:04,567
mom, this is
the dance of the year.
86
00:05:04,602 --> 00:05:07,434
go ahead in the ultimate. i'll
meet you in a couple of minutes.
87
00:05:07,469 --> 00:05:09,434
thanks.
88
00:05:09,469 --> 00:05:11,601
i'm keeping
the charge card.
89
00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:18,133
it must be hard
to shop
90
00:05:18,168 --> 00:05:20,400
with someone's tongue
in your mouth.
91
00:05:20,435 --> 00:05:22,501
- oh, my god.
- what?
92
00:05:22,536 --> 00:05:26,267
that's stan harmony. he's got
that exercise show on channel 32,
93
00:05:26,302 --> 00:05:29,167
not to mention
a great set of pecs.
94
00:05:29,202 --> 00:05:31,601
well, maybe he's here
for the pec-a-thon.
95
00:05:32,868 --> 00:05:34,901
how have i taken
advantage of you?
96
00:05:34,936 --> 00:05:37,767
- in what way?
- in every conceivable way.
97
00:05:39,133 --> 00:05:41,167
"you are here."
98
00:05:41,202 --> 00:05:43,167
thanks for telling us.
99
00:05:43,202 --> 00:05:45,167
they've added
a ton of stuff-
100
00:05:45,202 --> 00:05:47,901
house of pedicures,
snow tires "r" us,
101
00:05:47,936 --> 00:05:49,901
bagel madness.
102
00:05:49,936 --> 00:05:52,501
i love malls.
you can live, die,
103
00:05:52,536 --> 00:05:55,634
and learn how to play the
organ, all under one roof.
104
00:05:57,836 --> 00:06:00,701
pick a key, will ya?
105
00:06:00,736 --> 00:06:02,701
yoo-hoo!
106
00:06:02,736 --> 00:06:05,934
- look, it's the original mall groupie herself.
- yes.
107
00:06:05,969 --> 00:06:08,601
on her grave it will
say "you are here."
108
00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:11,033
you guys didn't tell me
you were comin'.
109
00:06:11,068 --> 00:06:14,133
we didn't want to spoil the
wondrousness of this moment.
110
00:06:14,168 --> 00:06:16,267
crystal, you look like
you bought out the mall.
111
00:06:16,302 --> 00:06:19,434
it's tempting. everybody's
having two-for-one sales,
112
00:06:19,469 --> 00:06:21,434
one-cent sales,
half-price sales.
113
00:06:21,469 --> 00:06:23,501
i'd love to get
a set of towels.
114
00:06:23,536 --> 00:06:25,534
wOMAN ON p.a.:
aTTENTION, sPRING-A-THON
115
00:06:25,569 --> 00:06:28,367
fOR THE NEXT HALF-HOUR, IN ADDITION
TO OUR REGULAR 15% DISCOUNT,
116
00:06:28,402 --> 00:06:31,400
THERE WILL BE AN ADDITIONAL
10% DISCOUNT AT tOWELS, eTC.
117
00:06:31,435 --> 00:06:34,033
oh, my lord,
this is incredible.
118
00:06:34,068 --> 00:06:37,067
this woman has been
kissed by the gods.
119
00:06:37,102 --> 00:06:40,434
i'm gettin' towels.
hi! bye!
120
00:06:41,968 --> 00:06:43,968
how far away
did you park?
121
00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:46,133
gdansk.
122
00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:53,567
are you looking for
anything in particular?
123
00:06:53,602 --> 00:06:56,834
yeah, my mother. she's
supposed to be here already.
124
00:06:56,869 --> 00:06:58,801
okay, honey.
125
00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:06,167
forget it.
your butt's too big.
126
00:07:08,601 --> 00:07:11,934
- would you get out of here?
- why don't you buy this one with the big bow on the back?
127
00:07:11,969 --> 00:07:15,267
that ought to cover
the continental divide.
128
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:17,634
mother, tell your
daughter to get lost.
129
00:07:17,669 --> 00:07:20,200
darlene, am-scray.
130
00:07:20,235 --> 00:07:23,033
- i need a dollar.
- for what?
131
00:07:23,068 --> 00:07:26,367
designs on yogurt is giving away
free toppings with every purchase.
132
00:07:26,402 --> 00:07:28,801
but not to you,
you just had a guzzle.
133
00:07:28,836 --> 00:07:31,667
half a guzzle. it was warm. i threw it out.
134
00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:34,968
- mom, give her the dollar, please.
- all right.
135
00:07:35,003 --> 00:07:37,534
now, that's it
till college.
136
00:07:37,569 --> 00:07:39,534
thanks.
137
00:07:39,569 --> 00:07:41,868
this is cute.
lookit.
138
00:07:41,903 --> 00:07:45,901
mother, that is not the fashion
statement i want to make.
139
00:07:45,936 --> 00:07:47,901
well, 110 bucks
140
00:07:47,936 --> 00:07:50,934
ain't the financial
statement i want to make.
141
00:07:50,969 --> 00:07:53,367
well, have you found
anything yet?
142
00:07:53,402 --> 00:07:55,868
no, just a bunch
of clothes.
143
00:07:55,903 --> 00:07:58,000
well, what exactly
are you looking for?
144
00:07:58,035 --> 00:08:00,167
we're looking for something
that doesn't cost nothin'
145
00:08:00,202 --> 00:08:02,634
and will change
my daughter's life.
146
00:08:02,669 --> 00:08:04,767
something like this.
147
00:08:04,802 --> 00:08:08,534
that's a fabulous look. let me show
you some things i have in the back.
148
00:08:10,334 --> 00:08:14,200
hey, you. i looked all over the
place. i couldn't find nothing.
149
00:08:14,235 --> 00:08:16,634
oh, you poor baby.
150
00:08:16,669 --> 00:08:18,634
it must be hard
to find shoes
151
00:08:18,669 --> 00:08:21,534
when you're browsing around
in house of chain saws.
152
00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:23,667
roseanne,
there's no way
153
00:08:23,702 --> 00:08:26,667
i'm going to blow an entire
saturday sitting in some shoe store,
154
00:08:26,702 --> 00:08:28,767
waiting to be waited on
by some salesman
155
00:08:28,802 --> 00:08:32,434
who's already got 200,000 other
customers who are waiting to be waited on.
156
00:08:32,469 --> 00:08:35,267
i ain't buying shoes.
157
00:08:35,302 --> 00:08:37,200
that's it.
158
00:08:38,667 --> 00:08:40,634
end of discussion.
159
00:08:41,934 --> 00:08:45,601
get a couple of extra
pairs of laces, too.
160
00:08:47,868 --> 00:08:50,200
- mom, look at this dress.
- wow.
161
00:08:50,235 --> 00:08:53,834
can i have it, please? please,
please, please, please, please?
162
00:08:53,869 --> 00:08:55,868
well, first you
gotta say "please."
163
00:08:58,167 --> 00:09:00,767
- how much is it?
- 79.95.
164
00:09:00,802 --> 00:09:02,834
if you buy me this dress, i promise
165
00:09:02,869 --> 00:09:04,834
i'll never ask
for another thing.
166
00:09:04,869 --> 00:09:07,467
now, becky, we discussed
price before we left home.
167
00:09:07,502 --> 00:09:10,133
all my friends are going to
be wearing dresses like this.
168
00:09:10,168 --> 00:09:13,067
if i don't have one, none of the
guys will wanna dance with me.
169
00:09:13,102 --> 00:09:15,567
so dance with the girls.
170
00:09:15,602 --> 00:09:17,601
let's go look
at something else.
171
00:09:17,636 --> 00:09:19,734
i don't want anything else. i want this.
172
00:09:19,769 --> 00:09:21,734
this is an investment.
173
00:09:21,769 --> 00:09:24,467
in a few years, your other
daughter will be able to wear it.
174
00:09:24,502 --> 00:09:27,868
for 80 bucks, our whole family
has to be able to wear it.
175
00:09:32,968 --> 00:09:35,534
- let's look at something-
- then i don't want anything
176
00:09:35,569 --> 00:09:38,067
ever again for
as long as i live!
177
00:09:42,334 --> 00:09:44,300
thanks. you've
been very helpful.
178
00:09:49,267 --> 00:09:52,834
- dARLENE: d.j.!
- i wanna see the bunnies!
179
00:09:55,601 --> 00:09:58,601
i went to your sister's house.
you're gonna go to my mother's.
180
00:09:58,636 --> 00:10:00,701
all right,
but i'm not eating.
181
00:10:03,834 --> 00:10:05,834
best 21.95
you'll ever spend.
182
00:10:05,869 --> 00:10:07,701
do you come with it?
183
00:10:07,736 --> 00:10:10,000
the porta shaper
toned my entire body-
184
00:10:10,035 --> 00:10:12,701
legs, chest, arms. they
can do the same for you.
185
00:10:12,736 --> 00:10:15,634
if i work out with this,
i'll look exactly like you?
186
00:10:15,669 --> 00:10:19,234
- absolutely.
- and i won't need surgery or anything?
187
00:10:20,534 --> 00:10:22,534
- i'll show you how it works.
- no.
188
00:10:22,569 --> 00:10:24,567
- come on.
- no.
189
00:10:24,602 --> 00:10:26,868
i feel a little
overdressed.
190
00:10:26,903 --> 00:10:29,000
maybe i should take
some of this off.
191
00:10:29,035 --> 00:10:31,934
now, we don't want to get
too healthy too quick.
192
00:10:31,969 --> 00:10:34,300
- now, what are your goals?
- uh...
193
00:10:34,335 --> 00:10:36,834
to get the hell
out of lanford.
194
00:10:36,869 --> 00:10:40,267
you know what? you sound a
lot like me five years ago.
195
00:10:40,302 --> 00:10:42,701
i was a factory worker
in mansfield, ohio.
196
00:10:42,736 --> 00:10:45,467
i work in the factory.
197
00:10:45,502 --> 00:10:47,968
i was 32, 128 pounds,
198
00:10:48,003 --> 00:10:50,200
bored senseless,
stuck.
199
00:10:50,235 --> 00:10:53,300
do you know what i'm saying? i
hated getting up in the morning.
200
00:10:53,335 --> 00:10:55,567
i know exactly
what you're saying.
201
00:10:55,602 --> 00:10:57,400
it was april 2ND.
202
00:10:57,435 --> 00:11:00,067
i opened my eyes that morning,
and the first thing i saw
203
00:11:00,102 --> 00:11:02,567
was a cigarette butt
floating in a bottle of beer.
204
00:11:02,602 --> 00:11:05,634
right then,
it hit me- maven.
205
00:11:05,669 --> 00:11:08,100
maven?
206
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:12,133
motivation, attitude, vitamins, exercise, nutrition
- maven.
207
00:11:12,168 --> 00:11:14,467
the result: the porta
shaper. you can do it, too.
208
00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:17,634
well, that's you.
i'm here.
209
00:11:17,669 --> 00:11:20,734
- i'm... stuck.
- hey, i was you.
210
00:11:20,769 --> 00:11:23,167
i just got unstuck.
211
00:11:23,202 --> 00:11:26,701
hey, are these things
gonna make me nauseous?
212
00:11:26,736 --> 00:11:29,267
excuse me.
i'm sorry, what?
213
00:11:29,302 --> 00:11:32,267
see, i got this problem with
my stomach, and these things-
214
00:11:32,302 --> 00:11:34,267
what about gas?
215
00:11:34,302 --> 00:11:36,534
wOMAN ON p.a.:
aTTENTION, sPRING-A-THON
216
00:11:36,569 --> 00:11:38,701
wILL CUSTOMER
bUDDY jAFFEY
217
00:11:38,736 --> 00:11:40,934
PLEASE RETURN TO
lANFORD nATIONAL bANK
218
00:11:40,969 --> 00:11:43,000
ON LEVEL THREE?
219
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:45,000
- how'd you do?
- oh, swell.
220
00:11:45,035 --> 00:11:48,367
- my daughter's not talking to me.
- where's your new dress?
221
00:11:48,402 --> 00:11:51,734
- we didn't buy one.
- it cost 80 bucks.
222
00:11:51,769 --> 00:11:54,133
lanford.
223
00:11:54,168 --> 00:11:57,033
lan-ford.
224
00:11:57,068 --> 00:11:59,067
cities in illinois.
225
00:12:00,834 --> 00:12:03,968
roseanne, everything
in this town stinks.
226
00:12:04,003 --> 00:12:06,534
you'll never be able to buy
becky that new dress.
227
00:12:06,569 --> 00:12:09,033
i'll never be able to buy
my kids a new dress.
228
00:12:09,068 --> 00:12:11,634
lanford's
a big cesspool,
229
00:12:11,669 --> 00:12:13,667
and we're all
condemned to sit here
230
00:12:13,702 --> 00:12:16,167
and drown
in the sewage.
231
00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:18,167
is something wrong?
232
00:12:20,968 --> 00:12:24,634
yeah. i'm 32.
i weigh 110 pounds.
233
00:12:24,669 --> 00:12:27,200
i work in a crummy factory,
and i'm stuck here
234
00:12:27,235 --> 00:12:29,701
like a cigarette in the bottom
of a beer bottle.
235
00:12:29,736 --> 00:12:32,100
honey, you're upset.
236
00:12:32,135 --> 00:12:36,000
blame him. he was a
small-town boy. he got unstuck.
237
00:12:36,035 --> 00:12:39,200
he's showing people how
to bend over in a mall.
238
00:12:40,701 --> 00:12:42,868
yeah, well...
239
00:12:42,903 --> 00:12:45,434
the only thing he's got that
you ain't got is a gimmick.
240
00:12:45,469 --> 00:12:48,767
- you'll get there.
- roseanne, i haven't even come close.
241
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:51,868
sure, you have. what about
your edible nail polish thing?
242
00:12:51,903 --> 00:12:53,801
what's the matter
with that?
243
00:12:55,367 --> 00:12:57,367
- nothing.
- you'll do it.
244
00:12:57,402 --> 00:12:59,367
trust me,
you'll get there.
245
00:12:59,402 --> 00:13:02,267
when you do, it's going to be
better than having a stick on a rope.
246
00:13:02,302 --> 00:13:04,400
- yeah.
- hey, you guys, i won.
247
00:13:04,435 --> 00:13:05,934
won what?
248
00:13:05,969 --> 00:13:08,334
the blue light prize.
it was just incredible.
249
00:13:08,369 --> 00:13:10,601
the blue light went off when
i was in towels, etcetera.
250
00:13:10,636 --> 00:13:13,400
- what'd you win?
- ooh, check it out.
251
00:13:13,435 --> 00:13:15,567
rubber sheets.
252
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:20,434
well, my mall
day's done.
253
00:13:20,469 --> 00:13:22,901
- you guys need a ride to your car?
- no, thanks.
254
00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:25,834
- dan chartered a
helicopter. - okay, bye-bye.
255
00:13:25,869 --> 00:13:27,801
- bOTH: bye.
- see you monday!
256
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,467
feel like
a chili dog?
257
00:13:32,502 --> 00:13:36,234
among other things.
you want a chili dog?
258
00:13:36,269 --> 00:13:39,701
no. i'm never
eating again.
259
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:42,200
fine, but you're still
doing the dishes.
260
00:13:47,667 --> 00:13:50,667
- why isn't that guy coming to us?
- he will, son.
261
00:13:50,702 --> 00:13:52,667
we've been
waiting forever.
262
00:13:52,702 --> 00:13:55,100
we haven't been
waiting forever.
263
00:13:55,135 --> 00:13:57,133
we've only
been waiting...
264
00:13:57,168 --> 00:13:59,200
half an hour.
265
00:13:59,235 --> 00:14:01,601
that's hardly forever.
266
00:14:01,636 --> 00:14:03,868
waiting's good for you.
did you know that?
267
00:14:03,903 --> 00:14:05,868
waiting builds
character.
268
00:14:05,903 --> 00:14:09,200
waiting helps you appreciate
what you've been waiting for.
269
00:14:09,235 --> 00:14:12,234
some of the greatest men
in history waited.
270
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:14,234
lincoln waited
at gettysburg.
271
00:14:14,269 --> 00:14:16,067
caesar...
272
00:14:16,102 --> 00:14:17,734
waited all the time.
273
00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:19,801
and these are some of
your great men of history.
274
00:14:19,836 --> 00:14:22,567
- they were waiters?
- uh-huh.
275
00:14:22,602 --> 00:14:24,501
excuse me.
276
00:14:25,734 --> 00:14:28,033
- dad, i need money.
- no, she doesn't.
277
00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:30,300
go suck on a loafer.
278
00:14:30,335 --> 00:14:32,367
come on,
mom won't give me any.
279
00:14:32,402 --> 00:14:35,968
- she probably has a good reason.
- no, just cheapness.
280
00:14:36,003 --> 00:14:38,167
- all right, here.
- thanks.
281
00:14:38,202 --> 00:14:40,000
no parakeets.
282
00:14:40,035 --> 00:14:43,734
- are we still gonna wait?
- you bet.
283
00:14:43,769 --> 00:14:46,734
- is he ever gonna help us?
- yeah.
284
00:14:46,769 --> 00:14:48,701
yeah, he's
gonna help us.
285
00:14:50,501 --> 00:14:53,734
thomas edison,
he waited.
286
00:14:53,769 --> 00:14:57,167
he was also deaf
in one ear.
287
00:14:57,202 --> 00:14:59,167
beethoven was
totally deaf.
288
00:14:59,202 --> 00:15:02,834
he wrote some of the most
beautiful music ever written.
289
00:15:02,869 --> 00:15:05,667
my aunt used to play
a piece by him-
290
00:15:05,702 --> 00:15:07,267
"moonlight sonata."
291
00:15:07,302 --> 00:15:09,267
she only knew
that piece.
292
00:15:09,302 --> 00:15:12,767
that and "theme
from a summer place,"
293
00:15:12,802 --> 00:15:14,734
percy sledge.
294
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,534
no, that's percy faith.
295
00:15:19,569 --> 00:15:22,300
i get the percys
mixed up all the time.
296
00:15:22,335 --> 00:15:24,300
big talent.
297
00:15:24,335 --> 00:15:26,033
big, big, big, big.
298
00:15:26,068 --> 00:15:28,033
excuse me, sir.
299
00:15:28,068 --> 00:15:29,467
i'll be with you
in a minute.
300
00:15:29,502 --> 00:15:31,567
right.
301
00:15:31,602 --> 00:15:38,634
- dad, my elbow's five and a half.
- great.
302
00:15:38,669 --> 00:15:41,567
- dad, will you measure my head?
- no. no, no, no.
303
00:15:41,602 --> 00:15:43,734
just sit there, okay?
just sit there.
304
00:15:43,769 --> 00:15:45,734
don't measure anything.
don't touch anything.
305
00:15:45,769 --> 00:15:47,300
don't try anything on.
just sit there.
306
00:15:47,335 --> 00:15:49,634
just sit.
just sit there, okay?
307
00:15:49,669 --> 00:15:52,100
okay.
308
00:15:52,135 --> 00:15:54,667
all right, very quickly. i'm
supposed to be on my break.
309
00:15:54,702 --> 00:15:56,734
- this.
- what size?
310
00:15:56,769 --> 00:15:58,701
- 13-d?
- 13-d.
311
00:16:03,133 --> 00:16:05,133
- no sweat.
- excuse me...
312
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:10,501
but every 13-d...
313
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:12,434
is different.
314
00:16:28,367 --> 00:16:31,968
well, i guess that
answers my question.
315
00:16:32,003 --> 00:16:34,200
i was wondering if you're
sitting here thinking about
316
00:16:34,235 --> 00:16:36,434
what to get me
for mother's day.
317
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:42,567
you're still not
talking to me, huh?
318
00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:44,834
fine. there's plenty
of other people who will.
319
00:16:46,834 --> 00:16:48,968
hey, dudes,
have you heard
320
00:16:49,003 --> 00:16:50,968
that new
pink nipple album?
321
00:16:53,033 --> 00:16:55,267
- mother!
- it's a miracle!
322
00:16:55,302 --> 00:16:58,367
the mall's restored
your power of speech.
323
00:17:00,501 --> 00:17:04,234
- so you were saying?
- don't embarrass me in front of strangers.
324
00:17:04,269 --> 00:17:08,000
oh, i didn't mean
to make you feel bad.
325
00:17:08,035 --> 00:17:10,167
i'm sure you didn't mean
to make me feel bad
326
00:17:10,202 --> 00:17:12,200
when you threw that
hissy fit in the ultimate
327
00:17:12,235 --> 00:17:15,100
and made me feel like the
worst parent that ever lived.
328
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:20,767
i'm sorry. i didn't mean to embarrass you.
329
00:17:20,802 --> 00:17:23,234
you know i'd love
to buy you that dress,
330
00:17:23,269 --> 00:17:25,968
- but we just can't afford it.
- i know.
331
00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:28,467
- you want to go look at something else?
- no, mother.
332
00:17:28,502 --> 00:17:30,467
i'll wear what
i already have.
333
00:17:30,502 --> 00:17:33,567
- you sure?
- yeah. i'll find something in my closet.
334
00:17:33,602 --> 00:17:35,901
oh, becky, you're
such a saint.
335
00:17:35,936 --> 00:17:39,234
when we go home, you'll have to
ride on the dashboard of the car.
336
00:18:01,100 --> 00:18:03,534
what's wrong?
337
00:18:03,569 --> 00:18:06,000
- i'm beat.
- wonder why.
338
00:18:06,035 --> 00:18:08,000
maybe 'cause you
just snarfed down
339
00:18:08,035 --> 00:18:10,067
3,000 pounds
of sugar.
340
00:18:10,102 --> 00:18:12,534
shut up.
341
00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:15,734
- i'm going to go lay down.
- lie down.
342
00:18:15,769 --> 00:18:16,901
shut up.
343
00:18:18,434 --> 00:18:21,534
mom, look what i got for you
- a shoehorn.
344
00:18:21,569 --> 00:18:24,968
why don't you go upstairs and
wrap it up and surprise me?
345
00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:29,234
okay.
346
00:18:33,367 --> 00:18:36,534
- well?
- well what?
347
00:18:36,569 --> 00:18:38,968
you know damn well
"well what."
348
00:18:39,003 --> 00:18:40,968
is this the item
to which
349
00:18:41,003 --> 00:18:43,400
you're ever
so obliquely referring?
350
00:18:43,435 --> 00:18:45,767
yeah, let's see 'em.
351
00:18:45,802 --> 00:18:48,334
oo-ooh!
ahh-hh!
352
00:18:48,369 --> 00:18:51,634
- oh, nice.
- nice?
353
00:18:51,669 --> 00:18:55,133
roseanne, every inch of
these babies is hand-sewn,
354
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:57,133
and that's not all.
355
00:18:57,168 --> 00:19:00,234
notice the superflex sole,
the beveled heel,
356
00:19:00,269 --> 00:19:03,234
the multi-textured leathers
and exotic skins.
357
00:19:03,269 --> 00:19:06,167
no, no, this is more
than a mere shoe.
358
00:19:06,202 --> 00:19:08,567
this is a timeless
piece of footwear.
359
00:19:08,602 --> 00:19:11,334
on behalf of shoes,
i'm ed mCmahon.
360
00:19:16,934 --> 00:19:20,434
- say, ed, what did you pay for them?
- 79.95.
361
00:19:25,534 --> 00:19:28,868
would you
hate me if...
362
00:19:28,903 --> 00:19:31,133
i asked you
to take 'em back?
363
00:19:36,434 --> 00:19:38,801
take 'em back?
no, wait a minute.
364
00:19:38,836 --> 00:19:40,801
you've been
on my case all week,
365
00:19:40,836 --> 00:19:42,868
begging me to buy
a pair of shoes,
366
00:19:42,903 --> 00:19:46,033
and i finally give in because i
happen to be a decent human being.
367
00:19:46,068 --> 00:19:49,534
i drag you and your "back from
the dead" sister to the mall,
368
00:19:49,569 --> 00:19:51,534
drop you off
at the door
369
00:19:51,569 --> 00:19:53,968
while i drag my muffler
around the parking lot 30 times
370
00:19:54,003 --> 00:19:57,133
looking for a place to park, get
kicked out of three handicap spaces,
371
00:19:57,168 --> 00:19:59,133
almost get arrested,
372
00:19:59,168 --> 00:20:01,467
spend a day and a half
in a shoe store
373
00:20:01,502 --> 00:20:04,300
waiting for buster brown with
an attitude to wait on me,
374
00:20:04,335 --> 00:20:06,567
- and you want me to take these back?
- yeah.
375
00:20:06,602 --> 00:20:10,200
- may i ask why?
- well, 'cause there was this dress for becky,
376
00:20:10,235 --> 00:20:12,868
and it cost 80 bucks,
but i couldn't afford it.
377
00:20:12,903 --> 00:20:15,767
so i just was thinking
if we took the shoes back,
378
00:20:15,802 --> 00:20:17,767
we could afford it.
379
00:20:21,667 --> 00:20:24,701
you're an amazing
woman, kiddo.
380
00:20:24,736 --> 00:20:28,100
i know, and it only took you
15 years to figure that out.
381
00:20:29,801 --> 00:20:32,434
- becky!
- yeah?
382
00:20:32,469 --> 00:20:35,667
daddy says we can
take back his shoes,
383
00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:37,767
and we're going
to get that dress.
384
00:20:37,802 --> 00:20:41,567
- do you mean it?
- i swear on your father's shoes.
385
00:20:41,602 --> 00:20:44,567
but you have to do every
single thing i tell you
386
00:20:44,602 --> 00:20:47,133
for the next six months
with no lip.
387
00:20:47,168 --> 00:20:49,100
i swear on
my father's shoes.
388
00:20:52,367 --> 00:20:54,300
you gonna
drive us, honey?
389
00:20:55,300 --> 00:21:05,300
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