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well, this one's called "saturday" and i hope you enjoy it.

it was one of my favorite ones in that first season

because my then-

my first ex-husband bill

plays a neighbor freddy who bangs his head

and bill was famous in our entire marriage

and in his entire life for banging his head.

i remember when we were living in denver,

he banged his head on the same chandelier

every single day for about two years

like he forgot it was there.

so i kind of wanted him to do that on the show

'cause he was quite funny at banging his head

and the facial expressions he'd make.

so i hope you enjoy it.

dAN: babe, i've looked everywhere. where's the good rags?

they're hanging up in your closet.

all i could find is this flimsy stuff.

i need substantial rags to work on the truck.

hello. hey, dwight.what's up?

besides that.

oh yeah, bring the whole wrench set.

no, we got plenty of beer.

all right, see you in a few, buckaroo.

is dwight coming over here?

- yeah, what's wrong with that? - nothing.

just every time you're with him, your i.q. drops ten points.

he's bringing his tools over. he's gonna help me tune up the truck.

you're not gonna get that truck tuned up.

you guys are just gonna be in the driveway,

drinkin' beer and spittin'

and talking about who's got the biggest hood ornament.

hell, honey, that's not even a contest.

i know, no one can spit like you, honey.

i love watching you with dwight. you guys are so funny.

"yeah, i bet those bears are gonna kick some butt on sunday."

yeah.

you got that down. maybe you should come out and help us work on the truck.

i probably should. that's the only way you'll probably get it done.

you and dwight have never finished nothing but a six-pack.

utility room is not a truck.

can i embroider that on a pillow?

yes.

and you can embroider this.

by 4:00 this afternoon, that truck will have new points and plugs

and will be running like a race car.

- oh, yeah? - yeah.

- yeah? - yeah.

would you care to make a small wager?

oh, name it.

okay, if that truck ain't working by 4:00,

then you got to clean this oven today

and every month for the rest of your life.

fine.

but if i win, which i will,

you got to do all the snow shoveling this winter

and every winter for the rest of your life.

all right, you're on, buckaroo.

here you go.

one peanut butter and jelly sandwich coming right up.

i like it better

with the peanut butter on top.

- there you go. - thanks.

- hey, roseanne. - hi, dwight.

- hey there, scooter. - hi, mr. goodworth.

- what are you doing, dwight? - beer break.

well, you don't just go in somebody's house

and start taking stuff out of their fridge.

dan said i could.

well, what dan says don't matter around here.

he knows that.

- did you hear that, dan? - dAN: it's true.

i'm merely a figurehead.

i hear you're gonna be shoveling some snow this winter.

yeah, rose, you better be nice to dwight.

he said he can get you a good discount on a snow blower.

- you think freddy wants a beer? - he's breathing, ain't he?

is freddy out there, too?

got all three of us on the job now.

getting worried, girl?

oh, yeah, i'm shakin' in my boots.

don't stick your finger in there.

- tastes better that way. - that's disgusting.

you want me to put it back?

dan, you told me he was housebroken.

i lied. come on, boy.

hold on there, dan.

hey, chiquita rosarita.

is that little sister of yours gonna be around here today?

what do you care?

boy, can't a man ask a simple question

without some woman giving him the third degree?

well, not when that man's you

and the woman's my sister.

what kind of crazy thoughts are rattling around

in that empty head of yours, dwight?

just wanna talk to her is all.

- about what? - nothing.

are you thinking about asking her out?

maybe.

rOSEANNE: on a date?

sorta.

well, forget about it, dwight.

my sister don't date neanderthals.

why?

come on, dwight, we got a lot of work to do.

take that beer out to freddy.

- dan. - yes, dear.

why didn't you tell me he's got the hots for jackie?

news to me.

he's not going out with my sister.

why don't we just let them work out their own lives?

'cause it'll just mess 'em up.

rosie.

why must you mere mortals gamble with your own thoughts

when you have the goddess of corn here

to keep you from screwing up?

here, dad.

thanks, son.

hey, scooter, you wanna go ask your mom for some more chips?

okay.

hey, take it easy there, dwight.

i wouldn't want you to strain yourself.

don't worry, pal.

i lift with my legs, not my back.

- hey, dan... - yeah?

jackie ain't dating anybody, is she?

nobody'll have her. hand me the screwdriver.

it's pretty obvious. she's got a thing for me.

- oh, yeah? - yep.

she was in my hardware store last thursday,

asking me a lot of questions

about those new cordless drills i got in.

yeah, those are nice.

but that's not what she was shopping for,

if you catch my drift.

dwight, you own a hardware store.

have you considered the remote possibility

that jackie came in because she needed something?

oh, she needed something, all right.

that's right, i forgot, you're the real expert with women.

yeah, i guess i know my way around the henhouse, all right.

yeah, probably so,

since you're still living at home with your mom.

hey.hey, my mom needs me.

yum.

well, freddy, i see

you're making a heck of a difference there.

you guys already got the hood up.

yeah, we got your hardcore labor going on.

yeah, i see dwight's laboring

to suck the bottom out of that beer can.

dad, can i get in the truck?

sure, go ahead, bub.

rOSEANNE: let me see what kind of mess

you're making around here?

why, we're so far ahead,

we're ready for another break.

we already pulled the points and plugs, and now we're setting the gaps.

what are you talking motors to her for?

it's a waste of breath, dan.

he's right, dan, you know.

the female mind just can't handle

the complexities of the modern combustion engine.

it's a proven fact. right, freddy?

that's right.

look at all these wires

and these gizmos and thingamabobs.

it just makes my head spin.

it's typical.

i say if you can't find the fan belt,

you shouldn't get behind the steering wheel.

am i right, dan?

you're on your own here, dwight.

tell you what i'd do with you women.

i'd take all of your little licenses away

and i'd put you girls on public transportation

where you's belong.

i'm amazed you're not the governor.

i wouldn't vote for ya.

damn it, don't honk that when i'm working on the engine.

sorry, mr. meeker.

don't worry, scooter. he didn't hit anything he uses.

mom, can i ride my bike?

yeah, but ride in real heavy traffic.

ha-ha, it's so funny i forgot to laugh.

now, you boys pick up all your beer cans

and put your little toys away.

and when you're all done playing,

you push this big, blue truck right out of the driveway.

boy, i'll tell you what, dan,

every morning i wake up, get down on my knees

and thank the good lord up above

i'm not married to that woman.

i think rosie's pretty much okay about that, too.

if my woman ever talked to me that way,

you know what i'd say to her?

yeah- "get back in the house, mom."

hi, you guys. how you doing?

- dAN: how was the mall? - oh, it was wonderful.

we ate corn dogs by the pound.

- we sure did. - dWIGHT: hey, jackie.

hi.

oh, dwight.hi.

poor thing.

god, i hate it when a girl embarrasses herself like that.

what are you talking about, dwight?

it's obvious.

the woman wants me.

yeah, so does the animal research lab.

- roseanne, look at this. - rOSEANNE: ooh!

isn't this the sweetest thing?

39.95, marked down from 89.99.

wow.

this is the kind of thing men love.

or you could wear a sign that said "free sample."

get out.

you see, if i wear this, i'll feel more feminine.

and if i feel more feminine,

i'll radiate this mysterious sensuality

and men will flock to me.

they won't know what it is,

but they'll want it.

yeah, that's kind of the way they feel about chili.

mom, look at the ankle bracelet aunt jackie bought me.

cute. you know, dan bought me one of those

when we first got married, and he had it engraved.

it said "p.o.w."

i also got six colors of blush.

crystal's gonna help me find my perfect shade.

let's do it, sugar.

i'll have you looking like a cover girl.

rOSEANNE: once again, the mall

has turned out to be the ultimate zen experience.

roseanne, come here. you got to see this.

dwight's out here balancing beer cans on his head.

he usually don't take his vacation till summer.

he's doing three cans. that's hard to do.

well, not when you're in love.

what you're witnessing

is the rarely-seen primitive mating dance

of the north american grease monkey.

and guess who he's dancing for, sister.

hint, hint, hint.

i was down at his hardware store the other day

and was following me around like a puppy.

- he's kind of cute. - cute?

i bet his parents are brother and sister.

i could do worse.

you have done worse, jackie.

well, maybe you're right, i don't know.

he is single,

and he has his own business.

and he's never been in prison.

i think he likes women.

well, when you consider the meat market in lanford,

he's not so bad.

yeah, he kind of reminds me of a big ol' rump roast.

no, there's some good raw material out there.

this guy's got potential.

with a little work, he could get whipped into shape.

look what you did with dan.

true, but i'm a unique and incredible woman, jackie.

and you're saying that i'm not?

yeah.

i'll have you know that somebody like me

who is tolerant and sensitive...

and insane.

i could show you a whole nother side of dwight.

i could go out there right now and show you

a dwight that behaves like a perfect gentleman.

- oh, right. - i'll do it, too.

you know, jackie, you really should try earth sometime.

i think you might like it.

i'll tell you what, fellas.

you let women in as umpires,

you can kiss the game of baseball right down the toilet.

wOMAN: freddy, you know what time it is?!

coming, honey. all right, fellas, i got to go.

yeah, you better run.

i hear the warden calling you.

thanks a lot, freddy.

i promised beatrice i'd wash the screens this afternoon.

see ya.

dWIGHT: so long...

wimp.

- what time is it anyway? - it's ten to four.

ten to four. dwight, get over here and help me.

we got ten minutes to get this engine running.

never fear, the tool man's here.

- help me hook up these cables. - hi, guys.what's kickin'?

- hey, jackie. - hi, dwight.

hey, you got all your gaps adjusted there, danny boy?

don't bother me now, roseanne. i'm on a roll.

dwight, get over here.

dWIGHT: hey, just a second.

how was your little shopping trip there, jackie?

oh, it was good. we hit every sale.

yeah?

bet you like those malls, huh?

all them shoe stores.

jackie loves buying shoes, don't you, jackie?

i do happen to enjoy it, roseanne.

boy, the way you ladies buy shoes,

you'd think y'all had six feet on every leg.

dwight, what did you do with the distributor cap?

- i didn't have it. - yeah, you did.

it's over there somewhere.

oh! oh, oh, doggone it.

what's wrong?

it's this darn money clip, it's nothin'.

it keeps poking me in the leg.

look at that, would ya.

i'm losing all my darn money.

yeah, i guess

that itty, bitty little money clip's just too much

for that great, big wad of yours, huh, dwight?

i like to keep my money neat is all.

neatness is an admirable quality in a gentleman.

i'm a really neat gentleman.

dwight, the distributor cap's not over here.

- it's somewhere else then. - where?

in the garage, maybe.

oh, gee.

i think my watch is wrong, jackie,

'cause it says it's almost 4:00.

but it couldn't be almost 4:00.

'cause if it was almost 4:00,

i'd hear this truck purring like a race car.

it ain't over till it's over.

you guys gonna get this tank up and rattling again?

yeah.

pretty sorry piece of scrap iron, isn't it?

- you ever seen my car? - that lime green convertible?

yeah.

my monster.

it's got a bored out 327,

with dual quads.

it can do 125 m.p.h.'S.

no wonder your mom

wears her hair straight back.

i can't find that damn distributor cap anywhere.

did you look for it?

no...

i was out there tearing up my garage

just for the hell of it!

well, dan, you should go look in the kitchen.

why would it be in the kitchen?

because everything in the free world ends up in the kitchen.

- dwight. - huh?

what did you do with the distributor cap?

um, far left-hand corner of the tool shelf

behind the motor oil.

and you know what?

you got five minutes and 29 seconds to find it?

when i find that distributor cap,

you're gonna be shoveling snow for the rest of your life.

five minutes and 27 seconds.

dARLENE: mom!

i'm busy!

i can't get your sewing machine to stop!

oh, darlene, stay away from it!

don't touch anything!

it's a three-ring circus around here.

yeah, and dan's the dancing bear.

you know, dwight, i was talking to roseanne,

and i told her that i...

thought you were a pretty good guy.

- really? - yeah.

listen, jackie, um...

you know, ever since you were in my store last week,

i've been thinking.

about what?

uh, about you.

really?

- really. - oh!

i've been thinking

maybe you'd like me to come over to your place sometime.

we can do that.

- yeah? - yeah.

whoo.

maybe i could give your engine

a little tune-up.

a tune-up? no, my car's okay.

i'm talking about your engine.

engines i tune stay tuned.

you know what i mean?

yeah, i know what you mean, dwight.

i'll tell you what, jackie,

with a chassis like yours,

it'll be a pleasure to pop your hood.

what do you say?

i say...

i think you just blew it.

hey, guy.

yeah.

- you okay? - oh, sure.

i was only asking her out 'cause she's your sister-in-law.

hey, man, her loss.

why can't i meet a guy who's interested in something

other than getting his hands on my chassis?

well, jackie,

i'm sure there's three or four guys like that left in the world.

they just ain't in my driveway.

if i could meet a guy with half a brain,

an ounce of courage, and a little bit of heart,

i'd fall in love.

follow the yellow brick road.

mom and jackie, which is my perfect shade?

we put three different blushes on her cheek.

pick the one you like best.

oh, i like it over here. this looks great over there.

mom, there's no blush there.

- i like this middle one. - that's the one crystal picked.

it's called "pinch of plum."

yummy.

honey, you put on that blush like i showed you,

you'll have the boys standing in line.

thanks, crystal.

well, this has been fun,

but i have to get home.

- bye, dan. - i'll see you, crystal.

rOSEANNE: it's 4:00.

hark!

i believe i hear

a dirty oven calling you.

it's fine, you win your stupid bet.

but i was under a handicap- you took away my best man.

what are you talking about?

i'm talking about the joke you played on dwight.

i don't know how you can feel good about winning

when my buddy's crushed.

- crushed? - you leveled that guy.

dan, i went out there to give him every chance.

he acted like a pig.

i know the guy ain't exactly prince charming,

but every time i've needed him, he's been there for me.

he's a human being, jackie. he's got feelings.

he's right, jackie.

how could you turn down a guy

with a lime green monster?

i thought you were gonna stay out of this.

i did, and that's why it's all messed up.

dan, i swear, i went out there to give him a chance.

a chance? a chance to look like a jerk?

but he's so good at it.

go ahead and joke.

meanwhile, my buddy's sitting out there

trying to scrape his pride off the driveway.

oh, dan, get off it.

honey, you didn't see the look on that poor guy's face.

he's scarred for life. he'll never get over it.

excuse me. jackie, could you move your car?

- you're blocking me in. - yeah, i'll move it.

i'm gonna give your friend dwight a ride home.

he's not feeling too good,

and his mother has his car.

whoa.

catch ya later, big guy.

guess he got over it.

listen to that- purring like a kitten.

and it's only 10:30.

remember how we used to go to the drive-in every saturday night?

yeah, we'd put the kids in pajamas.

then we'd pop that big bag of corn.

that was really fun, wasn't it?

i can't believe they tore down that old drive-in.

and put up that incredibly beautiful mini-mall.

the kids always fall asleep during the second feature,

and we get romantic.

you mean you'd get romantic.

of course i would.

you'd put your head on my shoulder,

and we'd cuddle up real close,

and you'd look right up there at the screen.

- can you see it? - yeah.

what are they playing?

"guns of navarone."

nah, i don't wanna watch that again.

- what do you wanna watch? - "doctor zee-vaygo."

all right, i could see that.

yeah, see the snow falling

and the trains pulling into the station?

yeah, she's there waiting for him.

- yeah. - and he steps down off the train.

their eyes meet.

he walks over, he reaches out and takes her hand...

and says, "how would you like me to pop your hood?"

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