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rOSEANNE:
hold still, d.j.
3
00:00:55,068 --> 00:00:56,934
it itches.
4
00:00:56,969 --> 00:00:59,267
i just gotta finish cutting off
this one ear here.
5
00:00:59,302 --> 00:01:01,200
mom!
6
00:01:01,235 --> 00:01:03,501
okay, go take your flea bath.
7
00:01:05,234 --> 00:01:07,701
let me wipe you off.
ooh-hoo-hoo.
8
00:01:07,736 --> 00:01:10,000
- hey, you look good, scissor head.
- thanks.
9
00:01:10,035 --> 00:01:12,567
ha! roseanne,
listen to this.
10
00:01:12,602 --> 00:01:16,901
"utah housewife
stabs husband 37 times."
11
00:01:16,936 --> 00:01:18,834
i admire her restraint.
12
00:01:20,434 --> 00:01:22,467
so what time
you want me back here?
13
00:01:22,502 --> 00:01:24,767
our reservation's for 7:30.
14
00:01:24,802 --> 00:01:27,968
you gonna get dan into a tie
and out to a fancy restaurant?
15
00:01:28,003 --> 00:01:30,067
tonight is the night.
16
00:01:30,102 --> 00:01:33,067
a romantic evening
of dining and dancing.
17
00:01:33,102 --> 00:01:35,534
you're gonna
get him to dance?
18
00:01:35,569 --> 00:01:38,000
if i have to bust
both his legs.
19
00:01:38,035 --> 00:01:40,868
hey, babe...
i'm home.
20
00:01:40,903 --> 00:01:43,100
hello,
my adoring spouse.
21
00:01:43,135 --> 00:01:45,367
hi, dan.
you want a beer?
22
00:01:45,402 --> 00:01:47,434
- oh, yeah.
- me too.
23
00:01:47,469 --> 00:01:50,100
why don't you grab a couple
out of the fridge there?
24
00:01:55,969 --> 00:01:59,234
- what's for dinner?
- oh, you've gotta be joking.
25
00:01:59,269 --> 00:02:01,434
'cause if you're serious,
you're dead.
26
00:02:02,567 --> 00:02:04,267
what are you
talking about?
27
00:02:04,302 --> 00:02:07,400
does a candlelight dinner
for two ring any bells there?
28
00:02:07,435 --> 00:02:09,834
oh, no,
date night!
29
00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:17,501
very good,
mr. psychic.
30
00:02:17,536 --> 00:02:20,200
- are you sure it's tonight?
- yes, dan, it's tonight.
31
00:02:20,235 --> 00:02:21,968
we can't put it off
till the weekend?
32
00:02:22,003 --> 00:02:23,801
no, dan,
it's tonight.
33
00:02:23,836 --> 00:02:25,968
but, honey,
it's tuesday.
34
00:02:26,003 --> 00:02:27,968
oh, that's right, dan,
i forgot,
35
00:02:28,003 --> 00:02:32,000
restaurants don't serve married
couples on tuesday nights.
36
00:02:33,434 --> 00:02:35,734
and i suppose
we got a sitter.
37
00:02:35,769 --> 00:02:38,467
you betcha. i just gotta run by
the mall and take back this blouse.
38
00:02:38,502 --> 00:02:42,267
you can't take that back.
you already wore it once.
39
00:02:42,302 --> 00:02:45,968
i only needed it once.
it's clean.
40
00:02:46,003 --> 00:02:48,200
so you want me back here
at 7:00, right?
41
00:02:48,235 --> 00:02:51,367
- that's 7:00 tonight.
- yes, i know.
42
00:02:56,269 --> 00:02:59,067
- oh, you're tired, honey?
- yeah, i'm beat.
43
00:02:59,102 --> 00:03:01,133
well, i'll tell
you what,
44
00:03:01,168 --> 00:03:03,968
why don't you go up in the
bedroom and slip off your shoes,
45
00:03:04,003 --> 00:03:06,667
and then go sink into
a nice, hot tub...
46
00:03:06,702 --> 00:03:08,167
oh, thanks, babe.
47
00:03:08,202 --> 00:03:10,234
...then slap on a tie,
'cause we're going out.
48
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:17,601
a tie? since when is there a dress
code at jimmy's laughing steer?
49
00:03:17,636 --> 00:03:20,634
well, we're not going to
jimmy's laughing steer.
50
00:03:20,669 --> 00:03:23,334
we're going to
the lanford inn.
51
00:03:23,369 --> 00:03:26,033
whoa, whoa, that's a little
steep, honey. we can't afford that.
52
00:03:26,068 --> 00:03:28,334
well...
53
00:03:28,369 --> 00:03:32,901
...it's two for one tuesday
at the lanford inn- coupon.
54
00:03:35,567 --> 00:03:37,601
guess this means
i gotta shave.
55
00:03:37,636 --> 00:03:39,534
only your legs,
hot stuff.
56
00:03:40,767 --> 00:03:43,467
mom, you're doing that
all wrong.
57
00:03:43,502 --> 00:03:46,634
i know, honey, but that's
the way your daddy likes it.
58
00:03:48,033 --> 00:03:51,300
no. see, first you apply it
to the apple of your cheek.
59
00:03:51,335 --> 00:03:53,834
then you blend it
down your cheekbone.
60
00:03:53,869 --> 00:03:56,133
well, that's how the famous
models do it in europe.
61
00:03:56,168 --> 00:03:57,634
roseanne,
where's jackie?
62
00:03:57,669 --> 00:04:00,801
i give up, dan.
where is jackie?
63
00:04:00,836 --> 00:04:04,968
listen, i didn't put on no tie
to eat meatloaf, see?
64
00:04:05,003 --> 00:04:06,801
i can baby-sit.
65
00:04:06,836 --> 00:04:09,567
well, you won't have to.
she'll show up.
66
00:04:09,602 --> 00:04:11,968
- well, what if she doesn't?
- she will.
67
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:17,968
honey, get away from here and give
me all that stuff, would you? move.
68
00:04:18,003 --> 00:04:20,300
- mom, i'm 13.
- you're too young.
69
00:04:20,335 --> 00:04:23,000
cindy clark's mother let her
baby-sit when she was nine.
70
00:04:23,035 --> 00:04:25,601
well, cindy clark's mom
is a drunken slut.
71
00:04:28,567 --> 00:04:30,367
dad, tell her
i can do it.
72
00:04:30,402 --> 00:04:32,267
honey, your mom's right.
you're too young.
73
00:04:32,302 --> 00:04:34,267
darn, i hope
aunt jackie gets here!
74
00:04:34,302 --> 00:04:38,067
if-if she doesn't come,
we'll have to stay home.
75
00:04:38,102 --> 00:04:40,634
you know, if aunt jackie
doesn't show up,
76
00:04:40,669 --> 00:04:43,167
- you can go right ahead
and baby-sit. - thanks, mom.
77
00:04:45,701 --> 00:04:49,133
don't put my shoes on, honey.
please move. move, honey, move.
78
00:04:52,033 --> 00:04:54,400
ooh, sexy!
79
00:04:54,435 --> 00:04:56,734
what is that?
'55 t-bird?
80
00:04:56,769 --> 00:04:58,667
'39 packard.
81
00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:03,601
ooh, i got myself
one heck of a hot date here.
82
00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:06,133
yeah?
is he bigger than me?
83
00:05:06,168 --> 00:05:10,267
well, you do look pretty
cute, except for one thing.
84
00:05:10,302 --> 00:05:12,267
- ugh!
- roseanne, you broke my tie!
85
00:05:12,302 --> 00:05:15,467
wear the real one.
86
00:05:15,502 --> 00:05:17,467
aw, nah.
87
00:05:19,501 --> 00:05:21,567
you know, if memory
serves me correctly,
88
00:05:21,602 --> 00:05:24,300
i believe they have a dance
floor there at the lanford inn.
89
00:05:24,335 --> 00:05:27,000
huh-uh. no way, babe.
you know i don't dance.
90
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:29,000
why? you used to dance
all the time.
91
00:05:29,035 --> 00:05:31,200
yeah, well, that's when
i knew all the steps.
92
00:05:31,235 --> 00:05:34,467
well, dan, why is it when a woman gets
married and puts a ring on a guy's finger,
93
00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:36,501
his feet stop moving?
94
00:05:36,536 --> 00:05:38,968
it cuts off
the circulation.
95
00:05:40,033 --> 00:05:42,167
just one slow dance?
96
00:05:42,202 --> 00:05:45,067
rosie, you know
i'd like to go dancing
97
00:05:45,102 --> 00:05:47,834
with my special girl
every night of the week.
98
00:05:47,869 --> 00:05:51,167
special girl?
who is she?
99
00:05:51,202 --> 00:05:53,567
oh, i know, it's that bimbo
at the supermarket
100
00:05:53,602 --> 00:05:56,467
with the fluorescent
fingernails.
101
00:05:56,502 --> 00:06:00,067
roseanne, i promise, you're
the only bimbo in my life.
102
00:06:03,334 --> 00:06:05,868
aunt jackie's not here.
you ready to leave?
103
00:06:05,903 --> 00:06:08,467
okay, becky,
you get to baby-sit.
104
00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:10,234
all right,
i'm in charge!
105
00:06:10,269 --> 00:06:13,834
- yeah, all right!
- settle down, settle down.
106
00:06:13,869 --> 00:06:16,234
- what are the rules?
- don't open the door for anybody.
107
00:06:16,269 --> 00:06:18,167
right. and what if
somebody calls?
108
00:06:18,202 --> 00:06:20,167
don't tell them
you're not home.
109
00:06:20,202 --> 00:06:22,400
- right. what do you say?
- you can't come to the phone right now.
110
00:06:22,435 --> 00:06:25,934
- right. d.j.?
- 9-1-1.
111
00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:27,701
good boy.
what else?
112
00:06:29,133 --> 00:06:31,434
no stove, no matches,
no flames, no fire.
113
00:06:31,469 --> 00:06:34,033
- come on, babe, let's get a move on.
- okay.
114
00:06:34,068 --> 00:06:38,567
mom, if becky has a heart
attack, i'm in charge, right?
115
00:06:38,602 --> 00:06:40,834
right.
bye.
116
00:06:40,869 --> 00:06:43,734
mom, if darlene has a
heart attack, i'm in charge.
117
00:06:43,769 --> 00:06:46,834
right, d.j., if both your sisters
are dead, you're in charge.
118
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:49,767
yay.
119
00:06:49,802 --> 00:06:53,501
dad, cindy clark's mom
pays her $2 an hour to baby-sit.
120
00:06:53,536 --> 00:06:56,200
well, cindy clarke's mom
is a rich drunken slut.
121
00:06:58,100 --> 00:07:00,100
- bye-bye.
- good night.
122
00:07:00,135 --> 00:07:02,234
- good night.
- good night.
123
00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:09,133
stay out of our
dresser drawers!
124
00:07:23,434 --> 00:07:25,434
hi. dinner reservation
for conner.
125
00:07:25,469 --> 00:07:27,400
sure. this way.
126
00:07:28,467 --> 00:07:30,701
watch your step,
grandma.
127
00:07:30,736 --> 00:07:34,334
- this is charles. he'll be your waiter.
- hi, charles.
128
00:07:34,369 --> 00:07:38,000
i'm roseanne and this is dan,
and we'll be your customers.
129
00:07:40,834 --> 00:07:42,501
oh, i get it.
130
00:07:45,033 --> 00:07:48,501
- oh, hold on. allow me.
- roseanne, what are you doing?
131
00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:51,267
i'm being romantic.
park it.
132
00:07:54,734 --> 00:07:57,367
so, charles,
are you a student?
133
00:07:57,402 --> 00:07:59,434
um, no,
i'm a waiter.
134
00:07:59,469 --> 00:08:01,968
that would've been
my second guess.
135
00:08:03,667 --> 00:08:05,701
would you like
something to drink?
136
00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:07,667
yeah, i want something
with an umbrella in it.
137
00:08:07,702 --> 00:08:11,133
something tropical. sir?
138
00:08:11,168 --> 00:08:13,667
uh, may i see
your wine list, please?
139
00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:15,601
ooh, tres gallant.
140
00:08:16,834 --> 00:08:19,434
and i'll have a beer
while we're waiting.
141
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:23,434
yes, sir, i'll get those
and be right back.
142
00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:25,667
- pretty nice place.
- yeah.
143
00:08:25,702 --> 00:08:28,767
it's nice going to a restaurant
that don't have a drive-through.
144
00:08:29,868 --> 00:08:31,534
this ain't so bad.
145
00:08:31,569 --> 00:08:33,234
- yeah.
- glad i shaved.
146
00:08:33,269 --> 00:08:35,334
- dan?
- yes?
147
00:08:35,369 --> 00:08:36,667
would you
do something for me?
148
00:08:36,702 --> 00:08:38,200
honey, i'd do
anything for you.
149
00:08:38,235 --> 00:08:40,133
- dance with me.
- except that.
150
00:08:40,168 --> 00:08:42,567
i knew it, you liar.
151
00:08:44,901 --> 00:08:47,467
- hey...
- what?
152
00:08:47,502 --> 00:08:49,601
don't look now,
but isn't that patsy?
153
00:08:49,636 --> 00:08:51,501
oh, i told you
not to look.
154
00:08:51,536 --> 00:08:53,534
well, how can i tell if
it's patsy if i don't look?
155
00:08:53,569 --> 00:08:56,067
well, look,
but don't look look.
156
00:09:01,033 --> 00:09:02,767
rOSEANNE:
that's her, isn't it?
157
00:09:02,802 --> 00:09:04,834
- yeah, but that ain't bob.
- no kidding.
158
00:09:06,534 --> 00:09:08,601
- who do you suppose it is?
- oh, come on,
159
00:09:08,636 --> 00:09:11,634
it's so obvious
that's her lover.
160
00:09:11,669 --> 00:09:14,467
- can you believe she brought him here?
- they probably got a coupon.
161
00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:22,300
when i have an affair, i
always go to the no-tell motel.
162
00:09:22,335 --> 00:09:24,868
- me too.
- i've never seen you there.
163
00:09:24,903 --> 00:09:28,501
- oh, i'm there all the time.
- me too.
164
00:09:28,536 --> 00:09:31,901
- maybe we should carpool.
- here she comes.
165
00:09:31,936 --> 00:09:35,033
- oh, dan, look, it's patsy!
- roseanne, dan, hi!
166
00:09:35,068 --> 00:09:37,601
- dAN: patsy!
- hi, patsy.
167
00:09:37,636 --> 00:09:40,734
well, i haven't seen you since
the paris' barbecue last summer.
168
00:09:40,769 --> 00:09:42,868
that's right.
where's bob?
169
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:49,434
oh, i guess you don't know.
bob and i got divorced.
170
00:09:49,469 --> 00:09:52,701
- oh, sorry to hear that.
- well, you know, these things happen.
171
00:09:52,736 --> 00:09:55,267
- are you okay, patsy?
- pATSY: oh, yeah.
172
00:09:55,302 --> 00:09:57,267
i mean, i wish things
could've been different,
173
00:09:57,302 --> 00:10:00,634
but bob just couldn't handle
my going to college.
174
00:10:00,669 --> 00:10:03,868
get out of here.
you ain't going to college.
175
00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:07,467
sure, that was always the plan. once the
kids were gone, i was going to school.
176
00:10:07,502 --> 00:10:11,934
but the time came and bob said
i couldn't go, and i said, "bye."
177
00:10:11,969 --> 00:10:14,567
- well, it's his loss.
- pATSY: oh, thanks.
178
00:10:14,602 --> 00:10:17,901
oh, listen. i'd better get back to
my date. it's been great seeing you.
179
00:10:17,936 --> 00:10:20,667
- take care.
- yeah, take it easy, kid.
180
00:10:20,702 --> 00:10:22,167
bye.
181
00:10:23,434 --> 00:10:25,801
boy, that's a shame
about bob and patsy.
182
00:10:25,836 --> 00:10:27,300
yeah, it really is.
183
00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:30,100
she seems to be handling it
pretty good, though.
184
00:10:30,135 --> 00:10:32,534
dan, she is
a shattered woman.
185
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:37,734
and why? i bet you bob
refused to dance with her.
186
00:10:40,467 --> 00:10:42,000
humph.
187
00:10:48,767 --> 00:10:51,834
i just can't figure it out. they
were always hugging and kissing.
188
00:10:51,869 --> 00:10:54,033
yeah, you mean like
at that barbecue,
189
00:10:54,068 --> 00:10:56,234
where she was sitting
in that lawn chair
190
00:10:56,269 --> 00:10:59,868
and running her fingers through
what was left of his hair?
191
00:10:59,903 --> 00:11:01,534
yeah, like that.
192
00:11:01,569 --> 00:11:04,767
yeah, well, get real.
they were doomed.
193
00:11:04,802 --> 00:11:06,667
what are you
talking about?
194
00:11:06,702 --> 00:11:09,400
well, you know, all that
lovey-dovey crap was a dead giveaway.
195
00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:12,601
it's fighting that keeps
a marriage together.
196
00:11:12,636 --> 00:11:15,367
boy, if that's true, you and
me will be together forever.
197
00:11:16,701 --> 00:11:19,000
don't count on it,
lover boy.
198
00:11:19,035 --> 00:11:21,400
i got plenty of reasons
to dump you.
199
00:11:21,435 --> 00:11:23,567
- name one.
- you're a compulsive list maker.
200
00:11:23,602 --> 00:11:25,901
- name two.
- shut up.
201
00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:29,434
boy, if anybody's got grounds
for divorce, it's me.
202
00:11:29,469 --> 00:11:31,167
oh, yeah?
like what?
203
00:11:31,202 --> 00:11:33,801
like you using my razor
to shave your legs.
204
00:11:33,836 --> 00:11:36,868
well, let me pack up my bags
and leave in shame.
205
00:11:39,033 --> 00:11:41,067
go ahead and laugh. that'll hold
up in any court in the country.
206
00:11:41,102 --> 00:11:43,067
not after
i tell that jury
207
00:11:43,102 --> 00:11:47,133
that you hang your dirty
underwear up on the doorknob.
208
00:11:47,168 --> 00:11:48,934
- oh, yeah?
- yeah.
209
00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:51,434
wait till i tell them that
you've never once accompanied me
210
00:11:51,469 --> 00:11:55,367
to the annual lanford subcontractor's
beer bash and softball game.
211
00:11:55,402 --> 00:11:57,367
you wouldn't.
212
00:11:57,402 --> 00:12:00,534
so, you're gonna
divorce me, huh?
213
00:12:00,569 --> 00:12:03,200
not on your luckiest day,
214
00:12:03,235 --> 00:12:06,000
which you couldn't make it
through without me anyways.
215
00:12:06,035 --> 00:12:07,667
close your eyes
and count to three.
216
00:12:07,702 --> 00:12:09,667
well, you know what?
217
00:12:09,702 --> 00:12:11,734
if you ever even
thought about it,
218
00:12:11,769 --> 00:12:13,734
i'd have you
hung up by your toes
219
00:12:13,769 --> 00:12:16,601
and tortured with bizarre
liquid household products.
220
00:12:20,133 --> 00:12:22,067
- oh, yeah?
- yeah.
221
00:12:22,102 --> 00:12:23,567
- well, i'd-
- you'd what?
222
00:12:23,602 --> 00:12:25,067
- i'd-
- you'd what?
223
00:12:25,102 --> 00:12:27,000
i'd leave you the kids.
224
00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:31,534
you wouldn't.
225
00:12:31,569 --> 00:12:33,534
all three of 'em.
226
00:12:33,569 --> 00:12:35,601
- i wouldn't take 'em.
- neither would i.
227
00:12:35,636 --> 00:12:37,567
i'd give 'em
to jackie.
228
00:12:37,602 --> 00:12:40,501
hell, even i don't
hate her that much.
229
00:12:54,067 --> 00:12:57,467
- what are you doing?
- making popcorn.
230
00:12:57,502 --> 00:12:59,868
mom said we're not allowed
to use the stove, remember?
231
00:12:59,903 --> 00:13:01,701
i'm not gonna
use the stove.
232
00:13:01,736 --> 00:13:03,901
well, what are you gonna do?
eat it out of the pan?
233
00:13:03,936 --> 00:13:07,734
no, i'm gonna take it outside and
wait for a bolt of lightning to hit it.
234
00:13:07,769 --> 00:13:09,667
here.
235
00:13:11,434 --> 00:13:13,901
- thanks, deej.
- what's that for?
236
00:13:13,936 --> 00:13:15,968
we're gonna
make popcorn.
237
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:17,968
with a heating pad?
238
00:13:18,003 --> 00:13:21,400
- darlene said it would work.
- oh, yeah?
239
00:13:21,435 --> 00:13:23,868
hey, mom didn't say anything
against heating pads.
240
00:13:23,903 --> 00:13:27,267
- yeah.
- go right ahead, but it won't work.
241
00:13:28,734 --> 00:13:31,934
you sit right here and hold
this here till it starts popping.
242
00:13:31,969 --> 00:13:33,767
i know that.
243
00:13:35,402 --> 00:13:37,501
don't say
mom and dad aren't here.
244
00:13:37,536 --> 00:13:39,467
i know that.
245
00:13:41,133 --> 00:13:43,501
hello?
246
00:13:43,536 --> 00:13:46,334
um, they can't come
to the phone right now.
247
00:13:46,369 --> 00:13:49,467
um, they're in the shower.
yeah, yeah.
248
00:13:51,701 --> 00:13:54,601
yeah, both of 'em.
249
00:13:54,636 --> 00:13:56,734
oh, about two more hours.
250
00:13:57,801 --> 00:14:00,267
yeah, okay.
thanks.
251
00:14:00,302 --> 00:14:02,434
bye.
252
00:14:02,469 --> 00:14:04,801
who was that?
253
00:14:04,836 --> 00:14:06,434
i don't know.
254
00:14:08,035 --> 00:14:12,434
hold it! i'll get the door.
darlene, unplug that thing.
255
00:14:12,469 --> 00:14:14,033
ask who it is.
256
00:14:14,068 --> 00:14:16,133
i know that, d.j.
257
00:14:16,168 --> 00:14:19,100
- who is it?
- wOMAN: it's me.
258
00:14:19,135 --> 00:14:22,934
- me who?
- aunt jackie. open the door.
259
00:14:22,969 --> 00:14:27,367
- but how do we know it's really you?
- yeah.
260
00:14:27,402 --> 00:14:31,000
if you don't open the door, you're
gonna find out it's really me.
261
00:14:31,035 --> 00:14:33,534
we're not supposed
to open the door for anybody.
262
00:14:33,569 --> 00:14:36,100
- becky, i mean it.
- you're late.
263
00:14:37,834 --> 00:14:40,634
yeah, you were supposed to be
here at 7:00. where have you been?
264
00:14:40,669 --> 00:14:42,901
i had to go to the store
and return a blouse.
265
00:14:42,936 --> 00:14:45,734
- oh, all right.
- yeah, it's her.
266
00:14:45,769 --> 00:14:47,901
just open
the door!
267
00:14:47,936 --> 00:14:50,300
can't.
268
00:14:50,335 --> 00:14:53,000
i know how to get
into this house.
269
00:14:53,035 --> 00:14:55,334
- no, you don't.
- okay, fine.
270
00:14:55,369 --> 00:14:59,701
i got better things to do than baby-sit
the three little pigs. you're on your own.
271
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,701
aunt jackie?
272
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:06,100
- back door.
- aLL: yeah.
273
00:15:13,834 --> 00:15:16,767
- do you see her?
- shh. i think i hear her.
274
00:15:16,802 --> 00:15:19,033
- where?
- shh.
275
00:15:24,534 --> 00:15:27,033
ahh!
276
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,133
i called.
everything's fine.
277
00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:37,367
dopey finally
showed up.
278
00:15:37,402 --> 00:15:40,267
great.
now, where's chuck?
279
00:15:40,302 --> 00:15:43,200
ah, relax. he'll be back in a minute.
280
00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:46,000
i want some more coffee.
i'm gonna go get it.
281
00:15:46,035 --> 00:15:48,100
- roseanne, sit down.
- oh, it's okay.
282
00:15:48,135 --> 00:15:50,033
i'll be right back.
283
00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:06,868
coffee?
284
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:13,300
hey, there, good-looking.
what about a warm-up, huh?
285
00:16:13,335 --> 00:16:15,601
- hit me, trixie.
- ooh.
286
00:16:19,133 --> 00:16:21,167
i'm a little behind.
287
00:16:21,202 --> 00:16:24,000
oh, that's okay, chuck.
hey, she wants the decaf.
288
00:16:24,035 --> 00:16:25,634
thanks.
289
00:16:27,601 --> 00:16:30,501
- you know, rosie, i've been thinking.
- don't do that.
290
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:35,534
no, i've been thinking about
all the couples we know.
291
00:16:35,569 --> 00:16:37,534
almost all of 'em
are divorced.
292
00:16:37,569 --> 00:16:39,467
well, maybe we
should try it too.
293
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:43,601
- maybe we should.
- okay.
294
00:16:45,834 --> 00:16:48,534
there, we're divorced,
master.
295
00:16:48,569 --> 00:16:50,701
thanks, jeannie.
296
00:16:50,736 --> 00:16:52,901
ah. well,
what are you gonna do?
297
00:16:52,936 --> 00:16:55,567
the first thing i'm gonna do is,
i'm gonna go dancing.
298
00:16:55,602 --> 00:16:57,767
yeah, then what?
299
00:16:57,802 --> 00:17:00,567
well, i guess with all that big-time
child support i'm getting from you,
300
00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:03,868
i'm gonna enroll the kids in one
of them fancy swiss boarding schools
301
00:17:03,903 --> 00:17:06,501
and then with
all that alimony,
302
00:17:06,536 --> 00:17:08,601
i guess i'll quit my job
and just lay around
303
00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:11,300
and watch the soap operas
on my brand-new big screen tv.
304
00:17:13,267 --> 00:17:15,033
what you gonna do?
305
00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:17,033
oh, hell,
i guess the kids are gone.
306
00:17:17,068 --> 00:17:19,334
i'll come over to your place
and watch football.
307
00:17:22,334 --> 00:17:26,067
yeah, over my
pit bull's dead body.
308
00:17:26,102 --> 00:17:28,634
i just wanted to say good night
and give you my new number.
309
00:17:28,669 --> 00:17:30,801
oh, great. i'll call you. great.
310
00:17:30,836 --> 00:17:34,234
- and i also wanted to say thanks.
- rOSEANNE: what for?
311
00:17:34,269 --> 00:17:36,234
well, you probably
don't know it,
312
00:17:36,269 --> 00:17:38,901
but you're the one who
inspired me to go to college.
313
00:17:38,936 --> 00:17:40,968
- she did?
- oh, yeah.
314
00:17:41,003 --> 00:17:43,934
patsy, are you trying
to pin your divorce on me?
315
00:17:43,969 --> 00:17:46,200
no, i pin that on bob.
316
00:17:46,235 --> 00:17:48,200
anyway, do you remember
the barbecue?
317
00:17:48,235 --> 00:17:50,868
you told me how you
were gonna be a writer,
318
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:54,801
and you had all these dreams and
plans, and nothing was gonna stop you.
319
00:17:54,836 --> 00:17:58,300
- yeah, i do remember that.
- well, it got me to thinking.
320
00:17:58,335 --> 00:18:01,701
if nothing's gonna stop roseanne,
then nothing's gonna stop me.
321
00:18:01,736 --> 00:18:04,000
i just wanted
to tell you that.
322
00:18:04,035 --> 00:18:06,133
well, i'm glad
i could help.
323
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:08,234
well, phil's waiting.
i gotta go.
324
00:18:08,269 --> 00:18:10,601
- it was great seeing you.
- great seeing you too, patsy.
325
00:18:10,636 --> 00:18:12,534
- take care, patsy.
- bye.
326
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,000
well, you and patsy must have
had some talk at that barbecue.
327
00:18:20,035 --> 00:18:22,000
yeah, you men missed it.
328
00:18:22,035 --> 00:18:25,934
you were all off talking about the proper
way of stacking charcoal briquettes.
329
00:18:27,267 --> 00:18:30,968
rosie, you never told me
you still thought about writing.
330
00:18:31,003 --> 00:18:33,667
yeah, i think about that, and i
think about traveling, you know.
331
00:18:33,702 --> 00:18:35,868
there's lots of stuff
i still wanna do.
332
00:18:35,903 --> 00:18:37,868
oh.
333
00:18:37,903 --> 00:18:40,934
- does that bother you?
- no.
334
00:18:40,969 --> 00:18:44,701
well, i mean, you've got a lot of
stuff you wanna still do too, right?
335
00:18:44,736 --> 00:18:47,234
- sure.
- well.
336
00:18:47,269 --> 00:18:50,267
well, i mean,
you know,
337
00:18:50,302 --> 00:18:53,434
what if what you wanna do
isn't what- what i wanna do?
338
00:18:53,469 --> 00:18:57,167
well, we will
work it out somehow.
339
00:18:57,202 --> 00:19:00,968
well, what if we can't? i mean, you
wouldn't pull no patsy on me, would you?
340
00:19:01,003 --> 00:19:03,567
- you mean, walk out?
- yeah.
341
00:19:04,834 --> 00:19:06,434
dan, i'm here 'cause
i wanna be here.
342
00:19:06,469 --> 00:19:08,567
i'm not going no place.
343
00:19:08,602 --> 00:19:10,501
i love you.
344
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:13,868
yeah, what about
down the line?
345
00:19:15,234 --> 00:19:17,234
well, we don't know
what's gonna happen,
346
00:19:17,269 --> 00:19:19,701
but whatever would happen,
we will work it out together.
347
00:19:19,736 --> 00:19:22,133
yeah, i guess so.
348
00:19:22,168 --> 00:19:23,801
oh, face it,
349
00:19:23,836 --> 00:19:27,400
this marriage is like a life
sentence with no hope for parole.
350
00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:35,000
wanna dance?
351
00:19:38,634 --> 00:19:40,734
i thought
you'd never ask.
352
00:19:50,769 --> 00:19:52,667
ahh.
353
00:20:28,033 --> 00:20:29,968
oh, look at that.
354
00:20:31,167 --> 00:20:33,200
aren't they cute?
355
00:20:33,235 --> 00:20:36,067
i wonder if we could get hold
of an all-night taxidermist.
356
00:20:38,501 --> 00:20:41,501
don't turn it off.
you'll wake 'em up.
357
00:20:42,701 --> 00:20:44,701
should we take
the kids upstairs?
358
00:20:44,736 --> 00:20:46,801
you wanna
carry 'em up there?
359
00:20:46,836 --> 00:20:49,767
- no. do you?
- no.
360
00:21:05,267 --> 00:21:07,367
let's go to bed.
361
00:21:17,736 --> 00:21:19,367
i really had fun.
362
00:21:19,402 --> 00:21:22,467
me too. sure hope i can see you again.
363
00:21:22,502 --> 00:21:24,667
well, you can't,
364
00:21:24,702 --> 00:21:27,934
'cause i'm happily married and
madly in love with my husband.
365
00:21:27,969 --> 00:21:31,167
is he bigger than me?
must be a lucky guy.
366
00:21:31,202 --> 00:21:33,601
yeah, he better not
ever forget it, either.
367
00:21:34,601 --> 00:21:44,601
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