All language subtitles for Roadies s01e03 The Bryce Newman Letter.eng

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[Shelli] Previously on "Roadies..."

[Kelly Ann] I don't even know
if the band are feeling it either.

They haven't changed their
set since the last tour.

New setlist.

We're gonna open with "Janine" tonight.

[Shelli] We need an opening act.

[Bill] I can't find a
replacement by tonight.

People are pissed at
you, 'cause you left.

And you can't demand a nickname.

That shit's, like, bestowed.

[Bill] I had my blood pressure checked.

It scared a nurse.

[Shelli] I have everyone on the lookout.

Natalie Shayne is
not that good a stalker.

Are you gonna lead morning circle?

[Bill] No, that was Phil's thing.

The holding hands and all that.

That's why it worked, because it was his.

Your little scheme to get me fired

didn't quite come off.

I didn't try to get you fired.

You don't want to be my friend anyway.

People on this tour don't like me.

See you in Atlanta.

[keyboard tapping]

[chuckling]

[laughs]

[quirky upbeat music]

[Melinda] You are here right now

because of a perceived problem.

"Am I Too Serious?"

Yes, you are.

And that's why you're here.

First and foremost, becoming less
serious will be a process.

You can start in the
workplace with a joke or two.

You know, "Hey, uh, hard at
work, or 'hard' at work?"

And that's funny in the bank.

One good joke that makes people laugh

can change the way they
feel about you forever.

Imagine you with an extra sparkle

that can make people laugh.

And that's why we're on the planet.

Have you seen it?

It's bad.

[Kelly Ann] What? Who died?

We did.

[Wes] Motherfucker.

Haven't you ever read "The
Bryce Newman Letter"?

I mean, once or twice, but
I think all of his columns

are the same.

"Last night I found myself
watching a YouTube video

of the Staton-House Band.

I once liked this earnest American band.

I thought I'd revisit
them in the harsh light

of today's music business.

Let me just say what no one's saying.

The band have become
relentlessly irrelevant."

It's a full-frontal assault.

[Donna] He didn't even go to the show.

He reviewed a YouTube fan video.

All right, I'm just gonna
go way out on a limb here

and say it's not good.

What are you, trying to be funny?

- Keep reading. Keep reading.
- [Wes] You know what?

Who the fuck gave these
people the right to spew this shit?

I'd like to meet this
fucker and wrap his tongue

around his neck until it kills him.

All right, that's a bit
of an overreaction, okay?

[Donna] He really goes after Rick.

You go after Rick, you go after me.

Wait. He insults you too.

Wait. What? Where?

"Bassist Rick Bayless
was clearly inebriated

by the end of the evening, out of tune,

and looking like a lost
little boy in search of his mommy,

AKA the guitar tuner."

All right.

Let's kill him.

[upbeat guitar music]

Bill.

Yeah.

You know you got
handsomer since last year?

Kind of like what happens
with the Marlboro man?

Who's that?

[chuckles] I guess you had to be there.

[laughs]

You're as gorgeous as a yellow rose.

You know, a yellow
rose means friendship.

Is that right?

Is that what we are?

[cell phone dings and buzzes]

Oh, hell.

Come on. Leave me alone.

I'm gonna write this fucking guy.

[Milo] I can't bear...
I can't bear this anymore.

- He wasn't even at the show.
- It's okay. We got this.

Let's write him. Let's
write him. Let's write him.

Write this, "Hey. Hey, asshole..."

- Good.
- [Donna] "Hey, asshole..."

"Why don't you get your head

out of Dave Grohl's hairy ass..."

Oh, he fucking loves Dave Grohl.

Everyone loves Dave Grohl.

"...and be a real reviewer,

because this... this is
not writing," all right?

- No.
- "This... this is whining."

Write that. Write it.

[Donna] Nice.

Sending now.

[Milo] Good. Done. Boom.

I like you better without
the accent, man.

- Yeah, me too. Thanks.
- Nice.

"Bryce Newman does not accept mail
from fans he doesn't know."

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

[Donna] I love how he
presumes we're his fans.

- Fans, fans.
- You people love drama.

[Milo] You're right. You're
right. You know what?

I'm done. Done.

- [Wes] Me too.
- Done.

- I'm done.
- Just keep... keep reading it...

"Hunger is the active
ingredient in an artist's journey..."

Oh, my God.

[Bryce] And the Staton-House
Band is no longer hungry.

They are coasting on the
music of moper-extraordinaire

Christopher House, who
once and for all proves

on their current Capture the Flag tour

that he hasn't written a real true song

since the days of "Janine."

I found myself missing the old days,

when a Staton-House Band
album was still an event,

and I'd drive up the
coast in my yellow vintage Volvo

and get that great pastrami
sandwich at the Hat

with an amazing French
dip that came with it.

Oh, who would have thought over time

that a French pastrami dip sandwich

would be more relevant than the
songs of Christopher House?

Dude, he compared your
band to a pastrami sandwich.

That's fucked up.

We should have never
started playing "Janine."

Don't blame yourself for making
them change the setlist.

This is not totally your fault.

- It's a little your fault.
- It's kind of your fault.

Oh, Cassie, I need a hug.

Oh, hey, Dionne. This is Bill.

Hello, sir.

Hi.

What's wrong, D?

[Dionne] I'm just kinda bummed.

I took MDMA last night, and
I parked in the wrong spot.

And the landlord had my spot taken
away and got my car towed.

Tuesdays, right?

[mumbles] It's Thursday.

Hey, Bill, honey, would you scoot over?

- I'm just gonna...
- Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna wrap myself in this blanket

so I'm not totally naked.

[Dionne] I hate to make
you scoot over, but mmm,

mmm, thanks.

I'm just kind of blue this morning.

Yeah.

You know what?

I'm gonna make everybody breakfast.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Bill, do you have to work super early?

Yeah, but I think I
can... I think I can...

- Got a little time, yeah.
- Stay for breakfast?

Mm-hmm, okay.

Sorry about your parking spot.

She's an amazing girl.

Yeah, she sure is.

I try and get to Atl...

Atlanta as often as I can.

Yeah, she calls you Mr. Once A Year.

I love you.

[laughs]

You caught me by surprise.

[laughs]

Me too.

I mean, I only see you once a year,

so I might as well get to the point.

Yeah, well, come to
the show tonight, okay?

I'll send a runner to come get you.

I want to see you more than once a year.

It's up to you.

[Shelli] Where in the holy
hell were you, fuckface asshole?

Hey, it's good to be really
loved, you know?

Even if it's only once a year.

What was her name?

Cassie.

I remember Cassie,

the surfer with the Lana Del Rey eyes.

- Yeah, the eyes.
- Okay, let me put it like this.

I don't give a fuck about her eyes.

Everybody is melting down here.

I have not read "The
Bryce Newman Letter" yet.

Oh, it's super not good.

Yeah, well, Christopher
hasn't called me.

Christopher's still asleep.

But he's gonna wake
up and check his phone.

And you can bet 25 "friends"
are gonna have written him saying,

"Oh, man, are you okay?"

- And...
- [phone rings]

Yep, that's Preston calling again.

Oh, if I could only be a "Cassie."

My biggest problem would
be cutting my perfect bangs.

They are good.

Just...

Good morning, Preston.

Good morning, Sweet William.

How's that big shit Bryce
Newman left on your doorstep?

I got to pee.

Just tell me, why did we
start changing the setlist?

[Bill] Well, we had a
beautiful breeze of inspiration

that just kind of blew
on through the tour.

We got lucky.

Well, just shut that
fucking breeze down.

Everybody in the
industry reads this guy,

and it's embarrassing.

Now, look, I'm trying to get
on a plane down there today,

but with this fucking El
Ni?o, it's a goddamn nightmare,

and nothing's moving.

Anyway, my son has this
situation with his leg.

I thought it was his arm.

[groans and exhales]

It's both. He's a wreck.

13-year-old kid.

His mother never calls him.

He tears his ligament, and he said to me,

"Will you be here for me, Dad?"

I mean, what do you say to that?

So what you're saying is, you
want me to take care of it

in case you don't show up.

[Preston] Look, Christopher's
gonna take this

right to the not-relevant part.

And he's gonna hold it against Tom,

which is a whole other
problem for us to talk about...

I mean, when we're face-to-face.

[Bill] What does that mean?

We have to keep this from
Christopher as long as possible.

[Bill] Well, I've got
it taken care of, boss.

Now, would you like to hear
some good news on the subject

of that hideous problem of
opening acts for this tour?

[Preston] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Reg Whitehead's calling
me. Let's patch him in.

[Reg] Preston.

[Preston] Yeah, what would it
cost to put some strychnine

in Bryce Newman's pastrami
fucking sandwich?

[Reg] I think I have a solution, Preston.

[Bill] Reg, Preston and I actually...

I think we actually got a
way to work this out so...

[Reg] Yeah, I've been here all
morning thinking about it.

You weren't here, Bill, okay? Thank you.

So realistically,
Christopher will read it.

But more important than that,

330,000 Bryce Newman
readers have already read it.

So, Preston, great Preston,

we neutralize Bryce Newman now.

We lead with sugar.

We invite Bryce Newman to the show.

Disastrous.

[Preston] Wait. This
is a very sexy idea.

The crew will kill him.

[Preston] I'll call Irving Azoff.

We'll get him to the show tonight.

We'll fly him in. We'll kiss his ass.

He'll reverse himself.

- Done.
- [Reg] Done.

Hey, fellas, this is
not the way things work.

[Preston] I want the best
pastrami sandwich in Atlanta

waiting for him when he gets there.

Got it.

Fuck.

[upbeat guitar music]

Hot 'Lanta.

Did you know that if you're...

did you know that...

Atlanta is...

All right, I'm just gonna go ahead

and say the name, all right?

Phil.

Phil spent a lot of time in this city.

Phil stood on the side of
the stage at the Fox Theatre

when Ronnie Van Zant said,

"What song is it you want to hear?"

And Lynyrd Skynyrd played.

Boy, did they play.

It's a burning, churning
city of soul and desire.

- OutKast was born here, right?
- Yeah, yeah.

Julia Roberts, though not a musician,

was... she likes music.

Donald Glover put his name

into a Wu-Tang Clan name generator

and became Childish Gambino.

And believe it or not, Spike Lee.

Are you kidding?

Not Brooklyn?

No, Atlanta.

I'ma say the name. Kanye West.

You put all those
people in a room together,

and you've got a room full
of people from Atlanta.

Now, for the next three
days, the next three shows,

our very special guest that's
gonna be opening is...

Lindsey Buckingham.

Wow.

- [Reg] Oh, yeah, really?
- [Bill] Right? Huh? How about...

[Reg] Fantastic. I'm a
really huge fan of his.

[Bill] Yeah. Reg
Whitehead. Thank you. Thanks.

[Reg] Um, okay, so just before you all...

you don't have to...
you can stop holding.

Thanks very much.

Okay, so I'm sure that most of you read

"The Bryce Newman Letter."

As part of our
intention to win this man around

and show him what we are all about,

I have invited him to the next show.

- What?
- [Reg] Yeah, I know.

And guess what? He has
accepted, which is great.

Bryce is gonna drop by
here on his way to Los Angeles.

So I want you to treat him like a king.

I want you to kiss his ass

and reap the benefits as
he retracts what he wrote.

And, people...

[clears throat] let us lead with sugar.

[bright pop music]

[indistinct radio chatter]

[indistinct chatter]

What does a stagehand
smell like after sex?

Mace.

Okay, so you know this joke.

[Shelli] You're not
funny, but not everybody is.

If you'll excuse me, I
need to yellow jacket

the best pastrami sandwich in Atlanta,

and let's just say, Atlanta, Georgia,

not the fucking pastrami
capital of the world.

[Kelly Ann] Good luck.

Oh, and if you hear about
the crew pulling any shit

on Bryce Newman, you let me know.

Well, all I know is
that you've got to be nice

to Donna today, because
she broke up with Laurie.

And in further news, the sky is blue.

They break up constantly.

No, this is serious.

Nobody likes my jokes.

You know, I've been thinking of
all the possible ways we have

to fuck with Bryce Newman.

Whether it's one insane, wild takedown,

or 100 little stabs of fuck-with-him,

I'm gonna bring this
guy a kaleidoscope of pain.

We must.

No, Wes, you just got here, and
you're gonna get everybody...

mainly me... in a lot of shit.

You don't understand.

Reg said it was okay to fuck with him.

- What?
- You don't get it.

He can't say "fuck with him."

He's English.

He weasel-speaks between the lines.

Look, he says "Oh,
show him a great time,"

but that's not what he really means.

I'm pretty sure he just
means show him a good time.

[Reg] Wes.

Hi.

I hope you're going to
make Bryce Newman a...

memorable espresso.

You want it memorable?

[Reg] Memorably memorable.

I'm your guy.

Terrific.

[funky pop]

- See?
- No, I really don't.

And I don't think you
should take it upon yourself

to wreak havoc with a
crew that you have just joined.

Why can't you just support my goals?

Hey, I heard you had a rough night.

Yep, I broke up with dum-dum.

I hate it when you
call Laurie "dum-dum."

Shelli, I must be desperate,

'cause I'm gonna ask you for advice.

How do you keep your marriage together?

Two tours, two different time zones...

You see, uh, Sean and I have dates.

- When?
- Three times a week.

On the phone, for at least ten minutes.

And let me tell you, we go there.

It solves problems.

I'll be honest, I've
missed the last three dates,

and it's not been good.

That's how we stay connected.

We have fucking amazing phone sex.

We plan on what we're gonna
do when we're together.

And then we do it.

And you don't hold back?

Ha, no.

What do you do, just
turn to Bill and say,

"Hey, excuse me, time for me to go have

wild fucking orangutan phone sex"?

Are you nuts?

Bill doesn't know.

He'd feel compelled to act jealous.

No, you slip away.

Say you have a problem
with your mother-in-law,

which I, in fact, do, but,
no, you just disappear.

And trust me, there
is no crisis so relevant

it can't wait ten minutes.

Always be punctual, and remember,

it's not duty; it's dessert.

Wow.

Did we just have, like,
a personal conversation?

[laughs] Sean and I are gonna go, uh,

build some bridges this afternoon,

if you know what I mean.

[laughter]

[light funky music]

Whoa.

Hey, whatcha got for dessert?

I'm friends with Mr.
Stanley "Stan" Sativa.

Whatcha looking for?

The case.

[silently]

Ohh, okay, I'm looking for something

savagely and ruthlessly hallucinogenic.

I am out of ayahuasca, but
I do have PurpleVagina.

[Wes] Mm, I don't know that one.

PurpleVagina?

Oh, it pretty much takes
you back to your childhood

and leaves you there.

Anything stronger?

I have Joshua Tree 37. This is new.

It comes from the
fresh-ground, first-stage flower buds

of the Colombian cacti.

You just need to be in the
country when you ingest it

where there's trees, water, a field.

Your reality becomes whatever you see.

Whatever you see, you want to become.

I'm fucking warming
up to Joshua Tree 37.

Some people can appear in
the form of satyr-like demons

or rodent-like creatures.

And stay away from mirrors.

Yeah, dude.

Give me all of that.

- Harvey.
- Yeah.

Do you look at me and think, "She's
as serious as a glacier"?

Uh, I don't know. A glacier?

Okay, how do you know when
a drummer is at your door?

Tell me.

"Domino's."

Hmm.

So that means that my
joke, it wasn't funny.

No, uh, but I'll help you.

I'll help you.

'Cause funny is not what you say

but how you say it.

We'll keep at it.

You'll be funny by Baltimore.

[guitar chords strumming]

[Bill] Okay, okay,
my friends, excuse me.

Lindsey Buckingham's gonna show
up in about five minutes,

so anything other
than "Hail to the Chief,"

I don't want to hear it. Thank you.

Just need a little professionalism
and some focus

that sometimes can be a little lacking

around these parts, so
thanks, gang, but just...

Oh, come on, Bill.

Let the kids play.

You look good.

Hey, don't tell me about looking good.

You look good.

Oh, man.

Hey, let me get you a bullet coffee.

It's so good to see
you. Thanks for helping out.

Oh, only for you.

Lindsey, I owe you big
time for this, thanks.

We've been through too
much for me to say no.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, Stan. How you doing?

We got a great dressing
room set up for you guys.

This is gonna be good.

This is gonna be great. Oh, yeah.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

You, uh, still doing the program?

Oh, yeah. No, everything's good.

Got two years in July.

I'm clean and sober.

Everything's been going good, yeah.

Uh-huh, because, you know, I
do worry about you sometimes.

Yeah, I know.

Remember that time at the tiki bar,

where you took that torch...

Yeah, no, I'm still not
allowed in that hotel,

and I'm... I'm... I'm
not that guy anymore.

Had to do 700 hours
of community service.

God, it's good to see you, man.

Man, you feel like a damn linebacker.

[classic rock music]

[Bryce] Check it again, please.

No Bruce Newman on the list.

[Bryce] Don't make me make phone calls.

I'm on the list, all-access.

And the name is Bryce Newman.

Let's see some ID.

Very well, young lady.

Enjoy that on your
path to total mediocrity.

This says "Newbert Billingsley."

[Bryce] That's my birth name.

Bryce Newman is my professional name.

Jesus, you unhelpful Millennial.

Would you like to see my
income tax returns as well?

Call Reg Whitehead.

If I leave, it is
going to be your fault,

and you will join the
great unemployed wasteland

that is your generation.

I've never heard of
anybody named Newbert before.

[Natalie] Oh, my God.

I know who you are.

You're, like, so famous.

You're, like, the actual molecules

that make up the actual Bryce Newman.

He's the most-read music blogger
in the entire social universe.

[Bryce] Actually, I'm the number one

industry analyst and critic.

I am the author of "The
Bryce Newman Letter."

Blogging is what amateurs
do when they type.

Katy Perry wrote a song about him.

Really? Which one?

"Negative Jerk." Look it up. You'll see.

Somehow I don't need to look it up.

Oh, here it is, Bryce Newman.

You I like. Here are two passes.

Take him if you want to.

I don't want to
look at his face anymore.

Congratulations.

You're my date.

[whispers] Shit.

Well, well, well, Natalie Shayne.

What are you doing here? Milo to Puna.

Shh, shh, Bryce
Newman is in the bathroom.

I snuck in with him.

You see what he wrote in the letter?

He... will... pay.

Yes... he... will.

Hey, you work with
us, I won't throw you out.

So down with that.

Yeah, good stuff.

Okay, go, go.

Oh, my God. [squeals]

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Reg Whitehead.

Oh, my God, Mr. Newman.

It's Milo.

I'm Milo; I'm the... the
bass guitar tech for the band.

Look, it is just such an
honor to have you here with us.

Just... gah.

Are you the one I tore
apart in my little piece?

To be trashed by Bryce
Newman is like being painted

by Pablo Picasso.

Good point.

Please, Mr. Newman, have a seat.

We have this lovely, lovely throne.

I will get you Mr. Reg Whitehead.

Did you know that my name was
not on the fucking list?

Now, that hasn't happened to
me since 2008 at a Tom Waits show,

which coincidentally, I
couldn't "wait" to miss.

He's Billy Joel with bronchitis.

I'll leave it at that.

Your most eviscerating
sentences just make me shiver

with delight, even
when they're about me.

It's just...

- Well, I went to Harvard.
- Good point.

I mean, smart people are
just smarter than the rest of us.

[Bryce] That is very true, Milo.

My 15 year-old niece could
run Apple Computer

better than Tim Cook.

[laughs]

I'm gonna get you Reg Whitehead, okay?

Okay, if you need
something, just... I'll be back.

Thank you.

Where's the girl?

Where'd the girl go?

[funky music]

Mmm, oh,

your tongue feels amazing there.

Oh! Oh, I love our dates, honey.

What?

Oh, yeah, yeah, my mouth too.

Yeah, no, both places at the same time.

[Milo] Shelli to 5. It's a Code 34.

One minute. Just give me a minute.

[Milo] This is an emergency.
I need you, like, now.

- What do you want?
- [Milo] I need you now, Shelli.

Fuck.

[laughs] No.

[Shelli] Fuck, I-I got to go.

I-I am gonna so make this up to you.

- I'll call you tonight.
- [phone beeps]

I...

Fuck.

What?

[Milo] Bryce Newman is here,

and nobody is taking care of him.

I had to leave him alone, and
Reg is nowhere to be found.

You called me for that?

[Milo] Well, I just
thought it was important.

That fucking blogger might
have just ended my marriage.

Bryce Newman...

Reg Whitehead.

Thank you so much for gracing
us with your time and presence.

I have a 9:50 flight to LA.

Mm, that may be a little tight, Bryce,

because the show starts at 9:00, so...

Wh-wh-where do you like to
watch the show from generally?

Where's the girl?

Where is the... where's the...
where's the... well, I don't know.

We're 19 minutes from the airport.

I already have my ticket, so
I can endure three songs.

Oh, that's fantastic.
That's such great news.

Bryce, I can promise
you a grand adventure.

Now, can I offer you the
best pastrami sandwich

in Atlanta from the New Yorker Deli?

[chuckles]

Listen, Reg.

Whatever you do or say or
present to me on this visit

shall not alter my
critical analysis of this band,

you understand, so I
will eat this sandwich

if we have an agreement

that there's no implicit quid pro quo.

Absolutely, yeah, understood.

There's also the
French sauce dip on the side.

Not a fan of the band.

Sandwich isn't gonna change that.

[Reg] So bon app?tit.

- Not changing my review.
- You enjoy it.

- Not changing one word.
- Okay.

Okay.

It's just a sandwich.

Just a sandwich.

Bryce, this is the greatest coffee.

You will want to write about it.

I don't drink street coffee.

I only drink it from a machine

given to me by Howard Shultz.

I trust you will love this.

[clears throat]

Very well.

This is amazing.

Mmm, mmm.

[mouthing] I told you.

Bryce, what's... what's the
state of the music business?

What... what are you
feeling? What are you picking up?

- Are you serious?
- Very, yes.

I don't discuss the
business without it being a speech

for which I am paid an honorarium.

But because of this fucking coffee...

in short, we are living in an
age of spectacle, not music,

and everything you're
looking at is dead or dying,

because, baby, if you even have
to ask me that question,

"What's the state of
the music business?"

Then you're an oldster, and you're dead.

Hey.

[phone chiming]

Hmm, check it out, prototype 7.

Jony Ive gave it to me.

I lose this thing, I'm a dead man.

Another shot, Bryce?

Fuck yeah.

[Bryce] Go for Bryce.

[light guitar music]

[hushed] Here... here's your coffee.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, I love the poster.

You know me, Bill.

[Bill] I-I do my best.

And we've got a great crew, you know.

We've got Wes, Kelly
Ann, my friend Milo here.

[Kelly Ann] This is for the
setlist when you're ready.

Thank you, pleasure.

Hey, by the way, where's Phil?

Wh... uh...

Phil got let go.

- Yeah...
- Yeah, it...

Fired.

- Nobody fires Phil.
- Bro, it keeps me up at night.

Please don't call him bro.

You knew him a day, Wes.

[Lindsey] I can't wrap my
head around firing Phil.

The Staton-House Band fired Phil?

Yeah.

You see, there was an
incident with Hurricane Katrina.

Bill, who made that mistake?

Hi, guys. Hi. Hi. So sorry I'm late.

Lindsey Buckingham, how are you?

Such a huge fan. Oh, excuse me.

Sorry, I know you're only
here for, uh, three shows, uh,

as our special guest,

but we are enormously appreciative.

I'm here helping the band
out with some of their affairs.

And I have been a loyal fan of yours

ever since I saw you play at...

or should I say
"shred"... at the Olympics.

It was unbelievable.

No, never played the Olympics.

Well, I find that a crime.

Can... may I also add that
aside from all the music,

you've... monetized
your brand brilliantly.

- [Bill] Reg, my man...
- Yes.

- Your guest is here.
- Good.

- Thank you.
- Okay, pleasure upon pleasure.

Let me know if there's
anything that I can do for you.

- All right, then.
- Okay, he sat on this.

Will you grab another... uh, he's new.

Sorry.

[light guitar music]

I'm, uh... I'm Milo.

I'm gonna be helping
you out on the stage.

"Bleed To Love Her," right?

Yeah, still doing it.

We're doing it tonight.

Saw you with your camera in there.

When sometimes memory isn't enough,

you need a souvenir.

[Bill] "Cassie, thank
you for what you said today.

I'm really looking forward
to seeing you tonight."

[light guitar music]

[Bryce] Dictation, note to self,

for next "Bryce Newman Letter."

It's over. They're destroyed.

They don't even get that
they've vaporized.

Nicki Minaj is picking her
teeth with the bones of Bono

and the other
skeletons of post-Gen Y culture.

Jimmy lovine and Apple
Music and Tim Cook

are on a canoe ride to mediocrity,

and everyone under 50 knows it.

And here I am with
the Staton-House Band.

Take me home, Mr. Wizard.

I am trapped in the land of mediocrity.

The amber is starting to harden,

and I need to get the fuck out.

Oh, wow.

Oh, that's good.

I don't know if it's
the coffee or just me,

but I
am on fucking fire

There is no "hot" left in Hot 'Lanta.

It should be referred
to as "Cold" Lanta.

Is it happening yet?

I'm not sure.

[upbeat funky guitar music]

[guitar chords strumming]

Lindsey. Lindsey. Bryce Newman.

Hi.

I met you backstage
at the Hollywood Bowl

after the last Mac tour with Irving.

I did a "Bryce Newman
Letter" on "Seeds We Sow."

You are a genius and make me weep.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Why are you playing this show?

You can write a better
song on the back of a napkin

than Christopher House
has in the last ten years.

Ooh, heh, they must
have something on you.

No, I'm... I'm friends with Bill Hanson,

and I love the band.

Lindsey, the truth
is, I just want the best.

I don't want to waste
my time with the mediocre

or even the very good.

[voice distorting] I am searching for...

[gulps, voice returns to normal]
long little rodents.

Ooh, they're everywhere.

[giggling]

Here we go.

'Bout time.

[chittering] Everywhere.

Pardon me?

Greatness.

Are you okay?

[psychedelic music]

[exhales] You're on fire.

[distorted voice] Thank you.

[exhales heavily] Well...

Bend me over and mount me

like a medieval
alpaca, Lindsey Buckingham.

[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Lindsey Buckingham.

[upbeat guitar music]

I smell something glorious.

You've... lit a fire in my loins.

So soft. [groaning]

I'm doing the best I can with
what I've got to work with.

Believe me, what I lack in length,

I more than make up for in girth.

Well, that is good to know.

[moaning]

Oh, yes.

I like that.

Oh, my dark elf. Ohh.

The Staton-House Band "relentlessly
irrelevant"?

Your journey has just begun, Newbert.

[alarm blaring]

Oh, dark angel.

Dark angel?

I know what your
people have done to him.

I have no idea what
you're talking about, Reg.

He's fucking lost, and I
hear he's been given heavy drugs.

You need to get a
handle on your crew now.

Reg, raise your voice to me again,

you won't be speaking for a while.

You're making it real
hard for me to not fight.

To be continued, Bill.

[laughs]

[clears throat]

Puna, go to five.

[Puna] Yes, Bill.

Find Bryce.

In you I see stars.

We must never be apart.

Come back, dark angel.

Come back, dark angel!

Oh, yes.

[speaking Spanish]

I speak English.

Oh.

I have journeyed a
long way to stand before

your honorable presence.

With your permission, Tasty Jose,

may I become you?

Se?or Bryce, before
I grant you this wish,

you must repent and beg for the mercy

of Apple Music and Apple CEO Tim Cook,

who you have criticized so.

Very well.

Your wish shall be granted.

Forgive me, Tim Cook.

[groans]

May I become you?

No, Bryce.

How easily you betray me.

I cast you to the wilderness
of eternal doubt and darkness.

I'm lost, Tim Cook.

I understand, but if you
were wearing your Apple Watch,

you wouldn't be.

Ahh, yes.

Thank you, great innovator.

Enjoy your journey.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, Atlanta.

Enjoy my friends, the
Staton-House Band.

[cheers and applause]

[Bryce]
Here in the dark

Eureka. I'm bringing him in.

We should go.

Is it time?

Oh, yeah.

[Reg] Who did this to him?

All I know is, Tom and
Christopher are here,

and they are not happy Bryce
Newman is in the building.

I am the Staton-House Band.

[Reg] Oh, fucking hell.

[Bill] You know, Reg, I can't
help it if someone on the crew

or the whole crew did this to him.

Okay, this was your idea, remember?

[English accent] "Lead with sugar.

Make him feel like a king."

Remember, that was your rap.

I didn't say rearrange
his fucking chromosomes.

Okay, at a certain point, buddy...
yeah, yeah, you ready?

[Shelli] All right, all
right, hey, Bill, Bill, Bill...

[Bill] No, this is it, Reg.

[Kelly Ann] This is
not Bill's fault, okay?

[Reg] It was your brother who did this,

and I want him fired, okay?

No, 'cause you're just
trying to get me back for what you

still think I did to get you fired.

Please... please, I
didn't take that seriously.

[Shelli] Jesus, get a room, you two.

And you can't fire Wes, 'cause
he just got fired by Pearl Jam.

[Shelli] Plus, we can't fire him,

because he's the best
nanny we've ever had.

- Winston fucking loves him.
- [Wes] Whoo!

Lindsey fucking Buckingham
was fucking amazing.

Wow.

What did I do?

Reg thinks there's a
conspiracy against Bryce

spearheaded by you.

That's what's going on, Wes.

I thought that's what you wanted, Reg.

Sexual assault, exotic hallucinogens,

shame, and humiliation? No, Wes!

It's not what I fucking wanted!

He'll be writing about this for a year.

[Bryce] Okay, wait.

People.

[Shelli] What the fuck is that?

[Bryce] Check one two, check one two.

[Shelli] Who's out there?

[Bryce] Hello.

[together] Hello.

My name is Bryce Newman.

[cheers and applause]

I write "The Bryce Newman Letter."

[cheers and applause]

I'm 52 years old,

and I wear the clothes of a teenager.

[cheers and applause]

all: Ohh!

M-maybe you should get...

Hey, Puna, where the fuck are you?

[Bryce] I hardly even went to college.

[cheers and applause]

And my real name isn't Bryce Newman.

- [man] What's your name?
- Hey, Bryce.

Newbert Billingsley.

Tell Milo to hold off. Ju...
hold off for a second.

[Bryce] Newbert Alfred Billingsley.

[laughter and cheers]

Why can't I suck my own dick?

[laughter and cheers]

I mean, monkeys do.

What did you give that guy?

I don't even listen
to the music I review.

I listen to dad rock in the
car and switch over to hip-hop

if someone cool pulls up next to me.

I am a fraud!

[cheers and applause]

The hammer of the gods will
drive us to new lands!

This is who I am.

[groans and cheers]

Okay, get 'im.

Excuse me, Puna's two minutes away.

Okay.

[cheers and applause]

[laughs]

He's got kind of a
James Brown type quality.

[cheers and applause]

I love you, Chicago!

[audience jeering]

Atlanta.

[cheers and applause]

Bryce, I think you made your point.

I have become the Staton-House Band.

Welcome me to your stage.

[cheers, applause, and stomping]

all: [gasp]

He's off the stage.

[triumphant music]

[cheers and applause]

Hello, Atlanta.

The fuck was that?

[Bryce] Where's the girl?

Mutt Lange, meet Tim Cook.

Tasty Jose.

Def Leppard.

Excuse me, folks.

I've got him here with me. Where are you?

There go your tour proceeds.

He can claim physical abuse now too.

Bill, Wes is a
liability, and so is his sister.

As far as I'm concerned,
they should both go home.

Hey, why don't you go ahead and
fire me while you're at it, Reg?

Okay, look, I run the crew, all right?

Try it. See how that works
out. Go ahead. Give it a try.

Bill, Bill, Bill...

it's you or me, but he's got to go.

[strained breathing]

- Hey, hey, Hot
'Lanta, huh? - Hey-hey.

How 'bout it?

[laughs] Hi, Stan.

- Hi.
- [radio chatter]

Quite a town.

- Bill...
- Yeah.

I have to leave.

- No.
- I have a family.

This is my time off.

It's been fun.

What was it? Is it
'cause the guy got dosed?

'Cause we're not so sure that
was one of our crew guys

that did that.

I'm all for having a good time,

but this tour is like a Fellini film

crossed with an episode of The Monkees.

And I mean that in the best
way, but I-I can't stay.

It's not always like this, Lindsey.

This was just a bad night.

I love you.

I love you too.

As time goes by, I may
say it less and less,

but I mean it more.

Me too.

So you take care of yourself.

- Okay.
- All right.

Thanks.

The "can't say no" favor now officially
belongs to you, man.

You look good.

No, you actually do look good.

You look great.

- Thank you so much.
- All right, all right.

I do owe you. Thanks, Lindsey.

I'll be in touch.

Okay.

But you never should have fired Phil.

Yeah, yeah.

Night, Stan. Thank you.

[phone dings and buzzes]

[sighs]

Cassie.

[Cassie] "Hi, Bill.

I didn't come tonight, because
I thought you were

gonna pick me up or
send a car or something."

Come on, Bill.

[Cassie] "But truthfully, I
was kind of glad you forgot.

As you might have guessed,

Dionne and I are starting
to get together, and..."

Dionne with the man bun?

[Cassie] "I don't know if
I'm a once-a-year girl anymore.

"Good night, my
once-a-year love.

I hope you had a good show."

Fuck.

[gentle folk music]

[Bill] Just off Peachtree Road.

[Jeff Buckley]
This
is really folk-y, man.

[Bill] "Sorry about tonight, Cassie.

Look out your window, darlin'.

Last chance.

You can grab a
suitcase and come with me."

"Love you, Cassie.

I don't do emojis."

[phone chirps]

[phone dings and buzzes]

[Cassie] "Eat healthy, Bill.

Don't do so much dairy."

[Kelly Ann] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't go. Leave her with something.

Just text her and tell her,
"I'll remember you like this,

the most beautiful painting in Atlanta,

maybe the world."

Yeah?

[phone keyboard clicking]

"In the..."

"In Atlanta, maybe the world."

- There's your souvenir.
- Yep.

Nice work, Cyrano.

That's not bad.

I might like that nickname.

Okay, Gooch, let's head to Nashville.

[engine turning over]

So pretty.

Each one kills you in a different way.

[electronic chime]

[Donna] Uh-oh, it's a
new "Bryce Newman Letter."

"I am writing from a hospital in Atlanta.

It has incredible Wi-Fi, which
you never seem to be able

to find due to the sad state
of post-Steve Jobs infrastructure

in this country.

If you go to other countries..."

[Bryce] "As I have on conferences

to places like Buenos Aires,

you would be amazed at
the level of service.

I'll get to the point.

Though my sciatica acted up,

as it does in semi-cold weather,

it has been a long time
since I've been to a show

as kinetically authentic
as the Staton-House Band's

current Capture the Flag tour.

Their crew treated
me like a despotic king.

I felt connected with them on
a timeless, molecular level.

It felt good,

good, good within my chromosomes.

And on a personal
note, I'll never be the same.

The sheer sonic attack and
the great work of sound ace

Donna Mancini lingers with
me like the pasta I had

at Dan Tana's last
Thursday night with Peter Paterno..."

I'm on my knees

unzipping your pants with my teeth.

[Bryce] "...And so I
hail the incredible organization

and the crew and the
deep-tissue community

I felt in my time with the
great Staton-House Band,

something the oldsters could learn from.

This can be the future,

a glimpse of what
rock looked like in America

back when true feeling was worth a damn.

Thank you, Reg Whitehead,

a cool customer and a
great cat from the U.K.

Thanks to Wes for the
"Wespresso" of my life.

Thanks to Natalie for the great massage,

to the Atlanta
paramedics, who do such a great job,

and, of course, to Lindsey Buckingham,

who performed an
otherworldly acoustic opening set.

It's winter in my
heart without you guys.

I miss you.

I'll keep this memory close."

He never even saw the show.

But the important thing
is, he thinks he did.

[light dream pop playing]

[Bryce] "I guess I forgot

the key to this whole
fucking thing is family."

I knew my idea would work.

I'm gonna re-hire and bring back Wes.

He never left, Reg.

Everybody loves Wes.

What can you do?

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Hey, I got 2,000 new
followers on my coffee site.

Dude, Bryce Newman's like a psychedelic
fucking angel, man.

Jesus.

I can't believe he
always ends up winning big.

[Shelli] You... tonight... funny.

[Bryce] "Community.

The feeling you get
from the perfect song

when you realize you're not alone."

Well done, everybody.

See you in Nashville.

[Bryce] "And that's my
report from the front row.

"Love, Bryce Newman.

AKA Newbert...

Billingsley."

[upbeat rock]

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