All language subtitles for Return of the Mac s01e04 When You Cant Stop To Go.eng

We want our viewers to curl up with

you on your own late night talk show.

A late night talk show?

You know our motto, Joe.
"Don't be a slob"

"Take the job."

The Comfy Capsule.

What the hell is the Comfy Capsule?

It's the thing that's going to
break the Internet is what it is.

If you need to hop out of some space

capsule so people tune
in to watch your show,

I think you need to
consider another line of work.

I don't know why they think
you need a side kick.

Side kick?

Joey Fatone?

It's not the hand that
I'm worried about.

[laughter erupts]

Isn't he a hoot?

Oh my God,

they're gonna replace you with him.

Why is this show such a catastrophe?

You're not funny.

I'm Joey McIntyre, you know,

the little guy from
New Kids on the Block.

Since then, I've had my ups.

And I've had my downs.

But I know I can make it.

With the love of my family, hard work,

and maybe better management.

synced and corrected by susinz
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Ah.

The garden's coming along, huh Flan?

Ooh.

Is that your recycled bath water for

the Capsicum anuum?

Isn't it easier it easier
just to say peppers?

Hope they don't mind a little Pantene.

No, no the Capsicum... Peppers thrive on

hostile conditions and adversity.

Much like humans.

Yeah, don't bring them
over to the Comfy Channel,

they'll grow bigger than your head.

Is your craft not feeding your
soul like it should, Joe?

[sighs] More like eating my soul.

Tired of getting the rug pulled out from

under me every five seconds.

Joe... let's get grounded.

[meditation music]

Joe, have you ever seen a house built
around a tree.

[groans]

Maybe in one of those
magazines Barrett's

got stacked up in the bathroom.

Joe, you're that tree.

And Comfy is the house.

Now through out the years
the core may have evolved,

but you'll keep growing,

striving for the sun light.

While the house will keep
your bark from peeling.

Protect you from rot.

And an occasional rodent.

[coyote howl]

Oh, I get it.

You're saying that
this is like a growing

experience for me, right?

No.

But that works too.

Hug?

No.

Let's listen to each
other's hearts, huh?

How about just uh-

Oh.

Mmm.

Yeah. Gotta go, Flan.

Remember Joe, strive for the sunlight.

[heavy sigh]

[meditation music continues]

Next up, make friends with your pen,

because you will not be
getting another one.

If you lose the one assigned to you,

you will have to bring
another Comfy sanctioned

writing utensil from home.

Now you can avoid all this by

using the lanyard provided.

Do not lose your lanyard.

And lastly, stop
drinking so much coffee.

Thank you.

Thank you, Malcolm,

that was very informational.

Moving on, we've got some

very exciting news.

We've secured a sponsor for the show!

[crowd oohs]

Sponsor? Nice. Who is it?

Amazing question, mmm.

But I think I'm going to let Alejandro,

our VP of marketing answer that one.

[takes deep breaths]

I take you now... to Coachella.

[electronic music]

It's been a long day
of bands and booze,

and you've been dancing your ass off.

And now you have to go number one.

[bags rustling]

Yeah, I got it. I got it. I got it.

Paige. [clears throat] Move.

[music halts]

Paige. Move.

I'm moving, I'm moving.

Woo.

[bags rustling loudly]

[clears throat]

We can start now.

[music restarts]

Now you have to go number one,

but you don't want to
lose your place in line

for Tiesto or Afrojack.

So what do you do?

More to the point, where do you do?

Ladies and gentleman, I give you...

Sometimes.

[gasping]

The revolutionary PRG
for when you can't stop...

to go.

[applause]

- Uh...
- Thank you, Sam.

Thank you everybody. Thank you.

What the hell is a PRG?

- It's a Personal Relief Garment.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

So a diaper.

[groaning] No.

We don't say that word.

Oh gosh no.

Guys, you-you can't be serious.
You can't expect me to plug those

things on the show.

Are you talking to me?

[tense music]

What Sam means, is that we
have an entire campaign we're

gonna roll out with you...

as the face of Sometimes.

It's the perfect marriage between
personality and product.

- Think Beats by Dr. Dre.
- Mm-hmm.

Or Jennifer Aniston and Smart Water.

Ooh. Or uh, Macho Man Randy
Savage and Slim Jim.

Nope. Out, come on.

There will be sponsored content,

commercials, and app.

All vertically integrated and seamlessly

executed buy our team.

And of course, Joe,

your back-end participation
will be significant.

I'd like to participate
in that back-end.

Ay-oh!

Now let me introduce
you to our incredibly

popular director that we just
hired to shoot your spot.

Shrimpy Kittles 2000!

[applause]

Okay... Shrimpy.

Shrimpy Kittles huh?

Shrimpy was one of the
top directors on Vine.

He's directed over 700 films.

- Vine?
- Vine.

Oh, so 700, six second films?

Yes, but when you
put them all together,

it is quite a body of work.

Anyway. Done deal. Hmm.

This isn't done in any
way, shape of form...

This was a great talk, and thank you.

Great job, Paige. Great job, Alejandro.

Whole branding team,
just really well done.

And uh, Malcolm, have I told you

yet today to go [bleep] yourself?

- Not today.
- Okay. Consider it done.

Yeah. Okay.

Woo.

[drum beat]

- Sam. Sam. We need to talk.
- Yes, I'll hold.

[clears throat] Make it fast, Joseph.

I'm on hold for the mayor.

I can't wear those things. I... I can't.

There is no can, or can't.
There is only one's will.

And you will wear them.

I am so glad we had this talk.

I don't want to play the star card,

but it's my name on the show.

Joseph, I hear you.

Thank you, because...

The Sometimes sponsorship is going

to cover thirty percent
of the budget for the show.

So, you gotta really
look at the big picture.

- I'm looking at it.
- Mm-hmm.

And it's a big picture of me wearing

those things on the side of a bus.

You know what, let me simplify.

No diaper, no show.

I'm so sorry, did I say diaper?

I meant personal relief garment.

Yes, I am still holding for
the honorable Mayor McCheese.

[laughs] Okay.

[door slams]

So sad.

She's obviously on the
verge of a breakdown.

You think?

I don't know who told
her to go off her meds,

but we all remember what
happened last time.

What?

Let's just say she's still not allowed

within 200 feet of Jimmy Smits.

Well... I feel for her.

But, come on, Paige,
I cannot wear that thing.

You shouldn't have to do anything that
you're uncomfortable with.

Joe, I'm on your side.

- [Joey sighs]
- Hey... I'll make a call.

[upbeat music]

Hey, Alex.

Joe, hot scary Paige
called all freaked out.

- About what?
- You turned down the sponsorship deal!

I fall asleep at my desk for one hour,

and you make the worst
decision of our career.

Alex, I am not wearing
a disposable under garment.

Joe, let me ask you something.

Do you not like money?

Do you know those McConaughey
car commercials?

He got paid to for those!

[impersonates Matthew McConaughey]
And bought an island in Dubai,

called McConaughey Island.

[regular voice]
Shaped likes a marijuana leaf.

I don't need my own island.

Especially if it's the
island that diapers built.

Would you just try them on.

I'm hanging up now, Alex.

[drum beat]

Honey, you have to taste these tomatoes

from Flan's garden. They're delicious.

I just came from a college readiness
meeting at the pre-school.

- We are not ready.
- Kira's five.

What's she gonna major in, Play-Doe?

This is not funny. Do you know
how much Harvard is gonna

cost in fifteen years times three?

Not much more than
what we're paying now.

This is serious.

Okay. Take a breathe.

There might be another way to bring

in some extra cash,

but actually I'm not gonna do it.

What is it?

They want me to be a spokesperson for

a certain product.

What product?

A personal relief garment.

You mean a diaper?

It's a new thing they're
marketing to Millennials

for music festivals and stuff.

I know, it's ridiculous!

Well it's not the worst idea.

Come on.

No one's going to wear these things.

A beautiful bounty.

Flan, would you wear an adult diaper?

- I would never.
- See.

- It's not environmentally friendly.
- Exactly.

And I prefer to recycle my urine.

- That... We don't...
- You see, what I do is,

I collect my urine in this bottle

and then I spritz it generously
over the vegetables.

That's what give these tomatoes
they're big juicy flavor.

Well, it's time to pick
up the kids from school.

He's good with the kids.

Man up and wear the diaper.

[smooth music]

Oh. Paige, there you are. Uh...

So I thought a lot about it,

and I'm willing to do the thing...

for the good of the show.

You're gonna wear the PRG?

Joe, this is wonderful!
You will not regret this.

- I'm pretty sure I will.
- Mmm.

- Alejandro!
- Hey.

- Great news, we're back in business.
- Oh.

Joe has decided to do
the Sometimes campaign.

Glad to see somebody finally
came to their senses.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna let you
two synergize on this.

Joe, this is gonna be
so great for your brand.

[grunts]

[whipping sound]

Shirt off, please.

- Right here?
- Yes.

Fine.

- Oh boy.
- Oh boy what?

Whatever happened to this guy?

That takes a couple of months.

Yeah well, we're shooting
in two days, so...

you might wanna get on that.

[awkward exclamations]

Hey!

That's my lunch.

Hey, Joe. [shy giggle]

My lunch!

- The waist is actually up here.
- Don't...

Can you not touch it, please.
Can... can you please not touch it.

I don't know, Donnie. This guy
was calling me Doey Joey.

Why are you letting this
guy get in your head, Joe?

Who cares if you put on a few pounds.

You're a middle aged man, in a boy band.

Well I just don't want to look like
Baby New Year in this diaper.

[dog whining]

Diaper?

You didn't say anything about
wearing a diaper, Joe.

Yeah. It's a long story.

Yeah, you probably should've called

me before you agreed to do that one.

I might have gave a negative
catch phrase this time, like,

"Don't be hyper. Under no circumstances

should a middle aged man ever be caught

dead in a diaper."

Oh this is bad.

Oh, this is bad.

Yeah, I know it's bad, Donnie.

This is real bad.

Yeah, I know it's bad,
but I already said I'd

do it for the show, so I need your help.

Huh? Yeah, no, I'm here. Yup.

I need to get ripped quick, Donnie.
I got two days!

Okay, Joe, relax.

I got a guy, he'll help you out, okay.

You do everything he says,

he'll get you camera ready in no time.

Okay.

[energetic music]

All right, I'm here. Let's get this.

Hey, buddy.

It's me, Scott Foley.

[energetic music]

[grunting]

What are we going to do, some
arms, legs, little cardio?

Whoa. What are you doing?

Donnie said you need to get

- ripped quick, right?
- Yeah.

I got something else
in mind for you, McIntyre.

You're gonna love it.
You're gonna hate it,

you're gonna love it though.

- All right, arms up.
- [duct tape screeches]

Okay.

When I'm done here, go to your car.

You're gonna turn
the heat on, all the way.

Then you're gonna drive to a pharmacy,

you're gonna pick up twenty five pounds

of Epsom salt. Epsom salts, okay.

You're gonna go home,
you're gonna put those

Epsom salts in a hot bath,
as hot as you can make it.

So hot you don't wanna get it,
but you're gonna get it.

Like, hot enough to melt butter, hot.

So get out of this bag for the bath.

Did I say get out of the bag?
Did I say get out of the bag?

- No.
- No, I didn't say get out of the bag.

You're gonna stay in it,
I'll tell you why.

Okay.

You're gonna stew, in the bathtub,
for three to eight...

[whispers] eight...

[regular voice] hours, okay.

So long, that you feel like

you might pass out...
you're gonna pass out,

so that's why you're
gonna wear a flotation

device so you don't slip under
the water when you pass out.

Pass out? I mean, this
is a little extreme.

I thought I was gonna do some crunches.

Crunches, that's cute.

The crunch train...
[duct tape screeches]

Has left the station, my friend.

No more crunches.

Oh and one more thing,

there's a hundred percent chance
you're gonna crap yourself.

That... is why we wear the bag.

[drum beat]

[door shuts]

Not only must we carry your personal
burdens through life,

but also through the front door.

Responsibility makes me hungry.

Me too.

I want chicken nuggets.

[tense music]

[chanting] Chicken nuggets.
Chicken nuggets.

Do we know where
chicken nuggets come from?

The freezer.

Yes, the freezer holds
many mysteries, Griffin.

Gather round.

Let Flan show you a short film about

where chicken nuggets really come from.

Ooh.

- [frantic clucking]
- [screaming]

It's not natural.

I'm home everybody.

[quirky music]

What are you wearing?

That's a good question.

Daddy, why did the
chicken cross the road?

I don't know, why?

Because he was escaping
the processing plant.

[slight chuckle]
Now that's a good one, I think.

If anybody needs me,
I'll be up in the bath.

Okay.

Mr. Chicken go free!

- [egg splatters]
- Oops.

[door shuts]

Ugh, it's like a sauna in here.

Trying, you know, just trying
to lose a few pounds before

the shoot tomorrow so the
kids can go to Harvard.

By the way, did you
talk to the kids today?

[in a weak voice] Uh, maybe.

Did you hear about the chicken?

Uh yeah.
Kira told me.

It was funny.

It's not a joke, Joe.

I mean, we have to pay more attention
to what the kids are eating.

I agree.

So, tomorrow night after your shoot,

let's have a family dinner.

A family dinner. I'm gonna bring family

dinner home for the
family dinner tomorrow.

I'm glad we're on the same page.

Don't stay in too long,
you're gonna prune.

[quirky music]

Scott Foley said... [mumbles]

Scott Foley said...

[upbeat music]

- [chips crunching]
- Mm.

Tell you what, Joe. I love my mom,
I love you, and I love free food.

Alex, do you mind.

I haven't eaten in two days.

Oh the diet. Snap!

Sorry about that.

Sorry you gotta miss out
on this perfection.

Speaking of perfection,
if you see Paige,

put in a good word.

I've been thinking a lot lately,
I think she's the one.

Oh! This is so moist.

Sorry, bro.

Heh-hey, somebody's
looking slim and trim.

Thank you. It hasn't been easy.

God, I'm hungry.

Well, just a couple more hours
and you can eat whatever you want.

I'd eat my own foot if it
wasn't covered in Epsom salt.

Has anyone seen Sam?

No, what's the problem?

[nervous scoffs] No problem.

[nervous laugh] What?
There's no problem.

It's fine.

- Everything all right?
- Oh, you know, unmedicated...

I mean, unpredictable Sam,

but don't you worry about her.

All you need to do is focus on doing

your thing in front of
the camera, mister.

- Oh.
- [text message alert]

Shrimpy'd like to run one.

[upbeat music]

Hmm.

Wow. Quite the spread.

Uh... I thought you were

gonna tighten up for this.

I'll tighten you up.

Do you like who you are
when you use those words?

[sighs]

- Rolling.
- Settle everyone.

[bell rings]

Sometimes personal relief
garment spot, take one.

Shrimpy Kittles says, "Action!"

Hi, I'm Joey McIntyre.

As a musician, slash actor,

I'm always on the move.

But sometimes,

I can't stop... to go.

[clothes ripping]

That's why I wear Sometimes.

The revolutionary PRG,

with ultra absorbent technology.

How's it going?

Oh great. Joe's doing great.

Ideal for music festivals.

Long lines at the game.

Or just when you
don't wanna get off the couch.

Looking good, Joseph!

Whoa!

- [gasping]
- [loud thud]

Oh, uh, cut! That's a cut!

- [bell rings]
- Nobody panic!

He already signed he release form.

We can't be sued.

Oh speak to me!

Can somebody get me an EMT!

Speak to me, Joseph!

Security! Security!

Don't you die on me.

It's the day the music died!

[concerned whimpers]

There she is. All right, let's go.

Alex: Stay with me. Stay with me.

Ooh. What jail did you break out of?

[giggling]

- It's just not fair.
- [phone rings]

- Soozie: No!
- [loud thudding]

Soozie, that kind of hurts. I'm fine.

Yes, sir. I'm aware of the
situation and I am fully

prepared to take over
all of Sam's duties.

- [Soozie sobbing]
- Soozie, Soozie. I'm okay.

Shhh. No you're not.

Code red. Code red.

Uh-oh. Oh boy.

[upbeat music]

Honey, you wouldn't
believe the day I had,

but I brought home family dinner.

Who wants chicken?

[children screaming]

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