Original subtitles

We want out viewers to curl up and get cozy

and comfy with you on your own late night talk show!

Really, Joe? A talk show?

Please, I am up to my implants in

celebrities to dress.

I ran into Quinn today,

and she asked to start styling with her again.

I guess it's time to look for a nanny.

When can you start?

I'm gonna need every second Tuesday off.

When you emerge from that capsule,

now that will be a memeable moment.

Joe doesn't wanna do the capsule.

He has to do the capsule.

Got it. He'll be there.

Would you jump out of the capsule?

No.

No shirt, no hot pants or capsule!

I'm gonna go out there, tell everybody I'm excited about the show,

and say good night.

So that would be a negative on the little antennae...

- Uh... can I help you? - Oh.

I believe in time, we can both learn

to help each other.

I'm Flan.

Okay Flan, what the hell are you doing in my kitchen?

I'm providing nourishment and spiritual growth

for your offspring.

Barrett hired you?

Oh. Hired...

I like to think of it as more of a sacred

pact that Barrett and I made in spirit.

Smoothie?

Sure.

I'm little surprised to find a guy

in MC Hammer pants in my kitchen.

No offense.

Hmm. Pretty good.

It should be.

It was scavenged at its flavor peak.

Thank you, Mother Gaia.

I'm Joey McIntyre. You know, the little guy

from New Kids on the Block.

Since then, I've had my ups.

And I've had my downs.

But I know I can make it...

With the love of my family, hard work,

and maybe better management.

Dang it!

The right stuff.

I did it perfectly last night.

And the night before.

You did great, Soozie.

Must just be performance anxiety.

You wouldn't know anything about that.

Uh, I'm about to host my own talk show.

Never done that before, so.

- [Hysterical laughing in background] - What's going on?

They're meeting with Joey Fatone.

I don't know why they think you need a sidekick.

Sidekick?

Exactly.

Whenever I think about you,

we're always alone.

I'm gonna go in.

I just wanna die!

I was reeling in the marlin, right.

Almost had him reeling in!

And all of a sudden, out of nowhere,

behind me, comes this beautiful,

cute, adorable pot belly pig!

Aw.

But he comes up right behind me

and bites me on the tookus!

And I'm like who,

who brings a pig deep sea fishing.

And all of a sudden I hear,

"Aye, is that my pot belly pig?"

And so you know who it was?

Who?

Elton John!

No? Wow!

Actually, the pot belly pig story is true,

but Elton John, I just made that up.

Hey! Uncle Joe!

What's up?

- What a surprise! - I know! I mean I'm just so

excited that you know... I was just telling them the story about

- the deep sea fishing... - ...pot belly pig.

- Yeah. - God, I love that one.

- Yeah, so uh, my new side kick. - Yeah.

You know what, if I was part of that

sidekick conversation,

you would've been tops on my list, but...

you know what, we intuited that,

which is why we moved so quickly to hire Joey.

You might say we were just all really "'NSYNC".

There it is! There it is.

You got it right in.

You didn't have to wait too long for that one.

You see... see what I did there, Paige?

I mean, look at the talent right here together.

I mean, can you feel the electricity here?

Whoa! Can you?

- Oh! - I feel I feel it!

- Oh! - I feel something all right.

Yeah, absolutely right.

So, I mean, I just cannot wait to

see the magic you two are gonna weave together.

Oh, maybe we can give you a little tickle?

What?

- A little taste. - Oh. What?

- What? - Right here?

Right here. Yeah, right now.

Oh, okay. Joe. Here, just sit there.

Joey, come on, let's do it. It'll be

great. Sit right there. Go ahead.

You could sit right over there.

You know what... uh, and I'll be of course the sidekick that

sits on the couch. But you could also be uhm, Alyssa Milano!

Ah! I love her. We're in the same yogalates class.

Really?

Uh..

So, Alyssa, what you been up to?

Well, I just got back from Rome.

Rome?

Wasn't built in a day.

Alyssa, uhm, when you were in Rome,

did you happen to see that big statue,

that face that you put your hand in?

Like in the movie "Roman Holiday?"

Yes.

- I love that movie. - Oh my gosh, I love it too.

It's so great.

Well, you know what, it's actually called the Mouth of Truth.

Oh.

Legend has it, that if you put your hand in there,

and you lie...

Chop it right off! Gone. No more. Blood spewing...

and you know what, I don't even have to go to Rome,

'cause I get the same treatment at home from my wife.

Right?

And you know what, at home, it's not the hand that I'm worried about.

Your wife's gonna cut your whole [Bleep] off?

Yes!

Snip, snip. It's a bris.

I'm not even Jewish.

So Alyssa, uh, I follow you on Instagram.

Boy, you're into breast feeding.

Uh, note to self, join Instagram.

'Cause I wanna see that.

- Isn't he a hoot? - Mama, mama.

Aw!

You improvised on the spot, with Joey Fatone?

They sprung a dry run on me, Alex. He was on fire!

Oh my god, they're gonna replace you with him.

Now you're over reacting.

Am I?

If they replace you with him before the show even starts,

how is that gonna look, Joe?

You know what you can do with those beautiful boy band lips of yours,

kiss your drama good-bye.

Not to mention I'm going to have to pull a lot

of money out of a very lucrative investment.

What investment?

Promise not to laugh, but I spent 15,000 dollars

on an exotic fish tank.

Yeah, there's nothing funny about that.

- I know. - Look, don't worry. I have a plan.

Why in the world would you go up against Joey Fatone?

If there's anything any Joe should've known,

is you never go up against Fatone.

He's an American treasure.

Guy came in second place on dancing with the stars, Joe.

Unlike you and Joey Lawrence who came in third.

I hear you, but I just need to

tighten up my comedy screws.

Now don't you know the guy who runs the ha-ha room?

Yes, I do, and you know what. I'm sure if I give him a call,

he'll let you go on tonight and work out some new material.

Donnie! What's up, dawg?

It's Alex here.

Long time no talk, we gotta fix that.

Hey Blue Bloods, amazing.

Quickly becoming my new favorite show good job on that.

And hi Jenny!

I read your baby book on how to have a baby,

super informative. Makes me wanna have one myself,

but I can't because I'm a dude.

You guys good?

Jenny?

Donnie? Donnie?

They hung up.

Still here.

- Oop! Donnie, Alex... - Thank you, Donnie.

You're welcome, Joe. Good luck tonight.

Thanks, buddy.

- What? - What did we agree on?

Uh...

Until you meet Jenny McCarthy in person...

...don't build a friendship with her on the phone.

Don't act like you're best friends.

Your attitude about my friendship with Jenny McCarthy

is really starting to affect me personally.

Just remember what I said.

- I say to her... - Don't talk to her any more.

Come play with us in the fort, Flan.

Oh.

I love your enthusiasm, Griffin.

But this is a yurt.

The center of our commune, where you can share ideas,

food, and natural deodorant.

Oh goodness.

- Whale alert. I have to go. - Now?

I'm sorry. There's a beached Grey Whale and it

needs to be pushed back in the ocean.

Flan, I'm on a deadline.

I could stay, but the whale will die.

You can't let the whale die, Mommy.

We can't let the whale die, just go.

Gratitude, Barrett. Thank you.

Oh, namaste.

Hey, back at you there head band.

- Hey kids, what's up? - Uncle Joey!

Nice little bear, you can tie it up,

and just take its head off and everything. It's always fun.

Joey! Great to see you! What a surprise.

Hey, Barrett. You know, I just wanted to come by

and thank Joe so much for the gig.

Oh, he told me about that. It's so exciting.

- But he's not here, and I am slammed. - Oh.

- I just lost the Manny for the day. - Oh, that's too bad.

Well... Fatone can help. I can watch the little monkeys for you.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, it's the boy band code.

We look out for each other. That's what we do.

- Oh you're the best! Thank you. - No problem.

And... is that a yurt?

Okay, I get it, my airplane seat doubles as a flotation device,

but would it kill 'em to make my tray table double as a parachute?

Airplane jokes, huh? Good luck with that.

Hey honey, I'm working on my stand-up for this gig tonight,

- so I won't be home till later. - That's okay.

Joey Fatone came over. He's so great with the kids.

Oh great. That Fatone really does it all, doesn't he.

What's going on?

Oh. I got the over night rating for celebrity dental disasters.

No one is watching.

So is this a bad time to tell you about Henry Winkler?

What about Henry Winkler?

He's dropping out of Henry Winkler's Pizza Hunt.

Apparently he's gone gluten-free.

Ugh.

Could this day get any worse?

Hmm.

And I can't find my prescription mints.

I was sure I had them in the meeting this morning.

Ugh, never mind.

Soozie, code black. This is not a drill.

I wasn't looking.

Just a thought, but maybe those mints aren't helping.

Mmm, if they weren't helping then

why would they be so readily available

for purchase on German websites.

I'm just saying.

The Sam I knew was a development beast

who never would've green-lit the Minnesota Butter Face competition.

How was I suppose to know it was

a butter carving contest?

I thought it was beauty pageant for skugly fugs.

Besides, my Zomprixazols always want what's best for me.

Don't you my darlings?

I'll leave you with your darlings,

- I'll be doing work. - Okay, skinny. Bye.

Keep walking.

Anytime I'm running...

How dare you?

Joe, you don't need to be nervous, okay.

It's not even about the material.

It's all in the delivery.

When the best comics in the world struggle,

you know what they do,

they get real close to the mike

and they whisper the punch line like this.

That's all you got?

Joe, I've seen Whoopi Goldberg

and Sinbad, twice, live.

And every time they went like this, and the crowd went nuts.

Up next, we have a very special treat for you guys.

I saw him back in the dressing room, and man!

Can he wear a pair of jeans.

Ladies, you'll recognize him from your bedroom walls,

'cause he is absolutely the cutest one from

New Kids on the Block.

Please welcome, Joey McIntyre.

Yeah, good to be here.

So, here's something to ponder...

anybody here hate snow?

You ever wonder how the snow plow guy gets to work?

Huh? In the morning?

Does he call the other snow plow truck

to get him to his snow plow truck?

Wow.

Or does he just walk?

Are you serious?

You suck, man!

Remember pixie sticks?

The long... I mean, no one needs that much sugar, huh.

Ah...

Anybody? Yeah, I hate snow, um.

Snow?

Joe, don't let it get to you, all right. That crowd sucked.

They have no idea what comedy is.

Don't look so blue, new kid.

Comedy's tough.

When you're starting out, it's best to stick with what you know.

You're from Boston, why don't you talk about being from Boston?

- People love Boston. - People do love Boston.

Of course they do!

You got the Boston Red Sox, the Boston Celtics, Tom Brady,

the Boston Strangler...

- Dunkin' Donuts. - That's uh, national.

Hey, I can talk about the New Kids.

Couple of road stories, or something like that.

Yes, behind the scenes. Personal, I love that.

Yes. Of course. You get right back on that horse.

- Here? - No. They said never again.

- Oh. - Yeah.

I'm gonna do a new spot after this.

Come with.

- We'll work on new stuff on the way. - Really?

- Yeah! - I'm in.

I'm just gonna call the wife and tell her not to wait up.

- Great. - Done.

Great.

- Back on the horse. - [Neighs]

- That is going to kill in this place. - You think so?

- Trust me. - Oh man.

Wait a minute. This is a strip club?

Relax. It's Comedy Night.

No, but the guy has beautiful hands.

I guess I'm gonna bring my soap on a rope next time.

No, seriously, I said,

"Guy, I'm flattered but it's New Kids on the Block

not New Kids on the [Bleep] ."

Thank you, good night! Thank you so much.

No!

- That was amazing, amazing! - Thank you, wow, thank you.

- You killed it. - Good job.

- Yes, thank you. - Unbelievable.

- Now I'm ready, now I'm ready. - Yes, yes!

Maybe Paige is right.

I am losing my edge and it is your fault.

I don't need you anymore. I can stand on my own two feet.

You're nothing without us.

Soozie!

I never thought it would come to this.

But it is time for Operation Royal Flush.

That's right. Round up all the pills and flush them...

- You don't mean all the pills? - All the pills.

Okay.

- And that's my youngest, Kira. - Aw, so cute.

Joe, uh my new friends...

want to get my opinion on their matching tattoos.

Well I got to get home so make it quick.

Oh it will be quick.

It always is.

And here's my Caleb.

Oh your son?

Grandson, yeah.

So I paid for the 10,000 BTU air conditioner

but then I got the 4,000 BTU unit.

I mean, come on, it's Bakersfield all right. It's freaking hot.

Hey, you've reached Joe Legs Productions.

Leave a message after the beep.

Alex, you are unbelievable. Where the hell are you?

I have a production meeting at nine

at the Comfy Channel and Barrett's gonna kill me.

Your Fluger has arrived.

Oh my God. Flan, you are a life saver.

How did you know I was here?

Joe, we're all connected on a spiritual plane

that no one can ever really truly understand.

And Barrett used find my iPhone.

Oh my God, thank you, thank you.

Oh, I so appreciate it.

Uh, oh, uh, what's that smell?

Mm, yeah that's a mixture of beached whale

and fifteen or so stray cats who I shelter in my car.

- Oh, okay. - They do pee more than I'd like.

Joe!

They took my wallet, my clothes, my car.

Best night of my life.

Joe?

Joe?

Hi honey.

Sugar bear?

How was your night and your morning?

Yeah, about that.

Thank god you sent Flan. I wouldn't have made it home.

You could've got a ride home with the stripper.

Oh come on. It wasn't like that.

I spent the whole time showing Candy pictures of our kids.

Candy? You're on a first name basis?

Strippers don't have last names.

Well what was Candy showing you?

Come on, you know that's not me.

I know. It's Alex but you went with him to a strip club.

Well, to be fair it was Comedy Night and I was there to tell jokes.

That's like saying you just went for the buffet.

Which was amazing, actually.

Salad bar was huge. You'd love it.

Come on, you know I would never do anything like that.

So, are we done?

Have I squirmed enough?

Maybe.

- For today. - Awesome.

Because I killed. I killed.

I'm ready to hold my own with Fatone.

You fired Fatone? He's an American treasure.

Joseph, I am an executive and I made an

executive decision to remove any hint of comedy from the show.

Hence, the firing of Fatone.

I've been up all night working on my stand-up.

I, too, have been up all night asking myself

"Why is this show such a catastrophe?"

And then it hit me.

You're not funny.

Comedy's definitely not your thing. We get that now, Joe.

Uh, excuse me? There is a club full of patrons in

Bakersfield who think I'm pretty hilarious.

You guys can see me, right?

Okay, so comedy's out. Now what?

Uh, what you're known for... music.

It's why we fell in love with you in the first place, Joe.

We're gonna need a killer band and that

starts with a serious musical director.

Hired someone already!

Oh, thank you for making me part of that discussion.

He was referred personally by Mr. Joey Fatone.

We think you are really going to love him.

In fact, I think the two of you are going to be quite

"'NSYNC".

No.

We got Chris Kirkpatrick.

Ah, Uncle Joe!

What's up buddy? Looks like we're gonna be working together.

Hey check this out.

I got this.

[Bleep]

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