Original subtitles

[Organ playing]

OK, so this Friday, 8 PM,

Murder mystery dinner, Sierra Historical Society.

I've rented it out.

Should be lots of fun.

I have very, very good roles for both of you.

Raineesha: I's would like to introduce mrs. Debbie Dangle.

Debbie: and may I present my fiance, Gary Werner.

Coming, my love!

Hello!

[Debbie giggles]

Dance for us. Dance, minstrel. Dance.

You know what, bitch? I'm his slave, not yours. You're gonna shut up in here.

Are you gonna cut me?

Yes, I am.

To murder.

All but Raineesha: murder.

[Debbie giggles]

She's really dead.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

What the fuck. When are we gonna get to the murder part?

I've been laying on the bathroom floor for 3 hours.

Son of a bitch! God damn it!

They all have guns!

Ow!

Push them together?

Sheriff's department! I need your bike!

Aah! Gah!

[Siren]

[Empty gun clicks]

Uh! Uh!

Watch. Over the line.

Aah!

Captioning made possible by MTV networks

[Thunder]

Dangle: the authorities are on their way.

Raineesha: hey, we're the authorities.

I know. Well, the paramedics are on their way

Is what I'm--Paramedics are on their way.

I should have clarified.

It seems as though...

Our murder mystery dinner...

Has become

A "murder" mystery dinner.

The only thing we know for certain is

That someone in this room wanted Debbie Dangle dead,

So much so to commit such a heinous crime.

Takes me back a little ways.

Takes me back to Cabo San Lucas.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Dangle: Leslie, I believe we had had 4 mind erasers

At Sammy Hagar's party joint,

Cabo Wabo, when you said to me, and I quote,

"Boy, oh, boy, it would be so super if Debbie were dead."

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Leslie: I said that several times, but I was kidding.

We laughed.

What about Gary?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

[Thunder]

How you doing, Bernardino?

Now, some folks down at the piggly wiggly

In the produce section, real upset-- Been there.

You've been there? Yeah.

They're upset.

You've been there?

Did you see anything while you were down there?

I haven't been there for...

70 years?

70 years? Oh.

Yeah. I mean, I haven't been there for--

I mean, I was there 70 years ago, I guess.

You were there at the piggly wiggly 70 years ago?

Yeah. So it's been a while.

Yeah, that's a long time.

4:20 this afternoon. Think hard. Produce section.

Area with fruits and vegetables.

A gentleman, Caucasian, about 5'10", roller skates,

Which made us think...

Maybe it's Terry.

Maybe Terry would know this guy.

Maybe the person that works there is stupid and ugly.

See, it seems, again, to me like you might know this person

In the produce section.

I feel like it's coming back.

I don't know any fat women with red hair in the produce section.

All right. So this is starting to fall into place.

Our witness--

Kelly O'Brien--

She sounds like a bitch.

She was a little thick, and she wasn't super nice.

She wasn't super nice.

That's true, but maybe you got off on the wrong foot

Because what were you doing in the produce section?

I was... trying fruit on.

Mm-Hmm. That's exactly what we got.

That's exactly what she said.

Oh, shit. God!

You see?

Let him go. Let him go.

I didn't think you could skate on grass. Look at that...

I didn't think so, either.

Look at that son of a bitch go.

[Thunder]

Leslie: what about Gary?

Oh! What about Gary?! Oh, I'm Gary.

What about Gary, whose voice-Over business is being

Lost to India, who I saw at the gym two weeks ago nearly in tears

About his loss of income?

[Ominous echoing thud on soundtrack]

We all know that Deb...

Was worth over...

$400,000.

[Clock chimes]

400,000 US Dollars.

Let me tell you something

That I have never told anyone else.

Some miss lady told me in confidence that she was

Really Debbie Dangle's sister!

Hey.

Are you arresting him?

Yes, I am. He's--

That's awesome.

Just stay back, sir. OK. I'll stay back.

I want to be you someday when I pass the test to be a cop.

You want to see my gun? I got a gun.

Whoa, whoa! Whoa, hey!

Oh, ha ha. Whoa.

You got a permit for that thing?

Yeah, of course I got a permit.

Sweet! Yeah.

This is nice. Yeah.

Uh-Oh.

Uh-Oh. My gun's bigger than yours.

Yours is bigger than mine. Ha ha!

Whoa.

So you want to be a cop, huh?

Yeah.

OK. It ain't as easy as you might think.

I want to be--My dad wanted to be one, but he was in jail,

So he couldn't be, and I'm on Fluoxetine.

It's like Prozac but for poor people.

Look, if you ever try to get on the force-- Yeah?

You don't want to mention any mental disabilities.

Oh.

Everyone's got a little bit of fuck-up, OK?

Yeah.

Yeah. It's a fine line, you know? Yeah.

But as long as you know how to navigate it, which I do,

Don't bring it up.

Oh, OK.

OK, thanks.

All right.

OK, dirtbag, time to go to jail.

Yeah, time to go to jail.

Ha ha! Dirtbag.

Man: hey, do you want me to take him to jail?

I got a badge. I found it in a cop car.

My name is James Dangle.

You're under arrest. Get in the back of the car.

Ha ha ha! Awesome! I'll read myself my rights.

Yeah, read yourself your rights.

I have the right to remain silent.

[Thunder]

Trudy: she's my half-sister,

And she did try to kill me several times

When we were kids, but I didn't want her dead.

Dangle: Deb was your half-sister?

Trudy: yeah. It was because our dad--

My mom was raped by-- It's a long story.

By American Indians.

By an American Indian.

On a souvenir hunt.

Right. He also raped her mom.

Gary: wow.

But I did not want to kill her, and I did not want her dead,

And I did not kill her.

However, I had a conversation with someone in this room...

Someone who shall remain nameless. Jim Dangle!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Isn't it true...

That you told me on the telephone not 4 days ago

That you were thinking

About buying new shoes for yourself,

Perhaps in brown, maybe even in black?

I did. I got them in that Zappos place online.

They're nice.

They're like--These were not even-- They were, like...

Trudy: that's all I could think of. That's all I got.

They were half the list price.

You guys ever go to Zappos? Oh, yes.

Outstanding. Next day.

Fabulous shoes. They're there the next day.

You type in what you want. You type in your size. If you want a wide--

If you do it after you've been drinking, it's like magic.

[Thunder]

And I suppose you all suspect me

Because everyone knows that Deb never changed her will.

Gary: well, you are the only one with a gun.

[Thunder]

Oh! He's gonna kill me

To shut me up! Is that what you're gonna do?

Well, it won't work!

OK, for real, this is a prop.

This is a prop gun

Because I was gonna kill the corpse with it.

Why do you have a gun, Leslie?

This is real. This is re--

I knew I had to defend myself when I came here tonight.

The last time I was at your trailer,

I saw you'd been stockpiling cyanide.

What?!

[Thunder]

It's true.

It's true, but that is because we have

A very serious possum infestation

In the trailer park,

And I knew I wanted to get rid of those little buggers

Once and for all.

That's why I had it, and it has nothing to do with the fact

That Deb never changed her will.

And I know that because I went to the Washoe county hall of records

To do some investigating.

You can do that online now.

Trudy: you can do it online.

Can you really? Yeah.

You really can?

You can do most everything online now.

You know what I found out?

Can you look up any records, birth certificates...

I found my great-Uncle's birth certificate online.

The Mormons. The Mormons do it for free.

Oh, the Mormons. Yeah.

[Speaking Russian]

I'd say it's a-- A sting operation.

Big problem in the Russian community.

They have these sex lines with underage girls.

Totally illegal.

We're trying to trace this guy.

They're the victims. They're the victims.

[Speaking Russian]

Oh, OK. That's...

Da!

[Speaking Russian]

Da! Da! Da! Da! Oh!

[Speaking Russian]

OK. OK, wait. We're gonna make him go too early.

We're gonna blow him too early.

I think maybe you better tell this boy

That you're a little tiny underage naughty schoolgirl.

Yes. Rizzo: yeah. That's a good point.

We could nail him on this.

Jones: that's right. And maybe--Tell him

That 5 1/2 inches is plenty big.

[Speaking Russian]

Declan: what are you doing?

Uh... uh...

Working on that underage phone sex sting, sarge.

Phone sex sting operation. All over it.

Declan: that's federal. That's FCC.

Oh. Ohh. Oh...

Which is why we're all over it.

Oh!

[Speaking Russian]

It's a real slow day here.

[Speaking Russian]

Tell the guy, like, you've been a bad girl,

Give you a spanking.

Dangle: let me take you back in time--

Back in time to a young scientist named

La Fontaine Williams.

La Fontaine Williams--

Just a young scientist working

For the Filmore vacuum cleaner company--

The company that belonged to Debbie's father.

La Fontaine Williams-- Father of Raineesha Williams!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

And was he or was he not

The inventor of the couch sucky attachment--

The attach--What do you call them?

The sucky couch... the couch--

The sucky couch attachment!

Yes, he was!

Yes, he was, and, yes, Deb's people stole from my family!

Yes, they did.

But that doesn't mean I killed her.

White people steal from black people all the time.

Our hair care products, our dances--

The blues. Rock and roll.

All kinds of stuff.

[Doorbell rings]

I'm going to get the door!

Gary: adorable, fun. So funny.

Oh, even at a time like this,

It's just fun to have her around.

Dangle: they're a spirited people.

They're like walking music.

Junior: welcome to the Caribbean, baby.

Aho!

You said it was a dress-up party.

Dangle: OK, so this is--I meant,

By the way, just dress up.

Dress-Up party, you said. Be there at 8:00.

Dress-Up party. Pigs in blankets.

Dangle: OK, "A," it's almost 9:45.

"B," you're dressed like Captain Jack.

I almost went as Iron Man, but it was, like, 165 bucks

For a good one. OK!

Bar is this one.

Super. Bar is that way.

And let's have a talk about this on Monday, too.

Uh, my ex-wife and his ex-wife

And his current wife is dead.

Junior: yeah. Murder mystery dinner. I get it.

No, she's really dead. She's dead.

Yeah, get it. Murder mystery dinner.

Raineesha: really dead. Trudy: she died.

Oooh. I get it. What you want to drink?

Stepping over you, mrs. Dangle.

Trudy: don't step in that. That's real.

How many times has this happened to you?

You use your credit card to purchase pornography on the Internet.

Or for adult-themed board games or novelty items.

And then you're getting credit card bills

For motor boats and fancy trips to Paris, France.

What happened?

You are a victim of identity theft.

That's why I always use...

[Machine clanks]

A secure I.D.--

The Master Bait charge card--

The card that's only for pornography.

No more fancy trips or boats on me.

Thank you, Master Bait card.

The Master Bait-- Charge card, that is.

Protect your good name

With a Master Bait porno-only

Personal credit card for him or her.

Whoa! Hello, ma'am. Hi.

Hi. Oh, hi.

Hi, boo. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

I really--I'm really-- I'm really, I'm really, really, really glad

That you're here because I was in distress.

OK. What's--

Damsel in distress.

What is the nature of your emergency, ma'am? What's going on?

I was hoping that you could help me bust up a chifforobe.

I'll give you a dollar.

Ma'am, I'm a--I'm a police officer.

I'm here for emergency...

This is an emergency.

Situations, and I'm not here to bust up chifforobes or--

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

You would not be here if you did not feel what I feel,

Like what I feel right now,

Like the birds are humming in the background,

The air is perfect, OK?

I just finished spaghetti.

Like, everything is working out.

Lady, listen... um--

Thank you for calling me a lady. I can't--

That only makes me like you so much more

Because you are a gentleman, you know?

Like, there are so few gentlemen out there,

Especially gentlemen that are willing to come here

And bust up a chifforobe for a dollar.

Like, that is really ju--

Don't follow me.

See you tomorrow!

I should have never put my dick in her.

See, that's my fault. Shame on me.

Shame on me.

[Thunder]

Look, I'm really sorry about your loss. It's never easy.

We're gonna run outside, do a quick toxicology report.

We'll be back in, and, um...

Captain Jack?

He said it was a dress-up party. OK.

[Gary crying]

Dangle: oh, give it a rest. Give it a rest!

Give it a rest.

Well, nobody asked me,

But the one with the most motive to kill Debbie Dangle Frost--

Williams.

What?

Revenge is sweet, ain't it, Williams?

No. I--

Especially since your daddy did have

The patent on the Filmore vacuum nozzle

That would make you worth over $400,000,

And you'd never have to sheriff again, would you?

What jus--No.

But what you know, and what you told me once when you were really drunk

But you probably don't remember is, your dad also pulled out

A patent on Mousetrap, the board game,

And that was 8, 9 years after Parker brothers

Had it on the shelves.

He tried to patent beaver shots--

Just the term "beaver shots," "threepeat"

Way after Phil Jackson had the patent.

OK, OK, OK.

Yeah. Batshit crazy bananas.

So cross you off the list,

And that brings us to Trudy Wiegel.

Debbie really did treat you like a cunt, didn't she?

She did. She was bad.

Really, really, really horrible.

But what people in the room don't know and only you do know

Is that when she was having all that problems

From the gastric bypass surgery,

Trudy gave her a kidney.

I did. I also tried to give her my gall bladder,

But it had already been removed. Yeah.

Didn't want it, didn't need one, didn't want it.

That brings us to Leslie over here.

Real good motive, considering

That he probably thought that he was still in her will.

But what people here don't know is

That your father's a pretty well-known politician,

And he pays Leslie Frost here a stipend of $40,000 a month...

Oh! Oh! Oh!

To stay out of Hartford, Connecticut.

That brings us to big boy here.

Obviously a man like this would only marry a lady like Debbie Dangle

For money, but-- Puh-Leez.

The reason that I was late to this fancy little accusatory fest

You got going here is I was out behind the dumpster with Cindy,

Finishing a Mickey's big mouth I was hoping to parlay

Into a hand job.

And that's when I heard this young gentleman fucking

Debbie Dangle Frost 8 ways till Sunday.

Guilty.

I hate to blow your cover, but this man-- Flaming heterosexual.

Gary: flaming.

"Oh, pussy!"

You could hear it in his voice. Oh, pussy.

Car rockin'. Oh, I love pussy.

Dangle: that explains a lot.

And that only leaves one person...

[Thunder]

Jim Dangle.

Jim Dangle, who two days ago went to the hall of records

To verify that he was indeed still the sole benefactor

Of Debbie Dangle's will, which he was.

Not only is his trailer full of cyanide,

He also two weekends ago volunteered

To take an unpaid toxicology course

At the sheriff's department down in Carson city.

Unpaid 8 hours on a weekend to study toxicology.

I love my job.

A man with that much cyanide,

A man with that certificate in toxicology--

And it wasn't really a degree;

It was just a little certificate

That they issued to you--

Would know that if you drank one glass of white wine,

You'd be fine; two, you'd be OK;

But if you snorted down half a bottle like the water buffalo

That was Debbie Dangle Frost, you'd be as dead...

Well, as dead as Debbie Dangle Frost.

Take him away, Williams. Yes.

[Empty gun clicks]

Gary: put it down. It's a prop, you idiot. You already told us.

You was gonna shoot me?

I panicked. I panicked. Sorry.

You's got the right to remain silent,

And anythings you say shall be used against you in a court of law.

You're making a mistake.

Why would I do it? Except for the money and for personal reasons.

Junior: you can drop the act, Dangle.

Cindy: oh, my gosh.

We ran a report, and it seems that little miss former fatty

Had one too many pigs in a blanket.

It compromised the integrity of her lower bowel.

Her stomach exploded. The staples came out. It's not murder.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

[Inhales] oh. Wow. No, no, no.

Don't worry. She was a real cunt of a woman.

[Thunder]

[Organ playing]

Junior: hey, let's not tell Dangle.

Wiegel: stir-fried mice.

[Laughter]

Captioning made possible by MTV networks

I was at... the chicken and skate.

Junior: you were at the chicken and skate. OK.

Rizzo: the chicken and skate.

Terry: kids skate in a little rink,

And they skate around,

And then they would have the guy

With the little chicken, and he would go--

And he would throw chicken at you.

Rizzo: oh, what a great place to take the family.

Terry: it was so perfect for families.

Rizzo: yeah.

Junior: it was perfect for families.

Terry: my daddy used to bring me there.

Junior: yeah. It makes me sad nowadays

That there ain't a place where you can skate

And have people...

[Imitates projectile firing]

Throw their chicken at you. I know.

Rizzo: I'm getting all nostalgic.

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