Original subtitles

The Reno sheriff's department is reducing

Our carbon footprint and not relying on Arab oil

Anymore with the first- Ever electric squad car.

Made in America. How about it? Made in the USA.

Detroit city, baby.

USA! USA!

Oh, fuck it! Fuck it.

Jesus Christ! Oh, fuck!

Junior! He's arcing. He's arcing.

Don't touch him. He's arcing.

I think my fillings melted.

Should've got Japanese. Should've gone Japanese.

Son of a bitch. Goddamn it!

They all have guns!

Whoo hoo!

Ow!

Push them together?

Get off the bike! Off your bike.

Oh! God!

Captioning made possible by MTV networks

Captioned by the national captioning institute --Www.Ncicap.Org--

Raineesha... did you put this in my locker?

I got one, too.

What is it?

Dangle: you, the proud bearer of this letter, have been

Invited by James Ron Dangle to join him

At the Sierra Historical Society for dinner

And a murder.

There will be intrigue, suspense, and lots

Of pigs in blankets.

Pigs in a blanket. We get it.

What are you doing? Why are you in here?

I was just reading everything that's

On the invitation that I just gave each of you.

We can read.

I know, but it's a funny font.

OK, so this Friday, 8 PM, murder mystery

Dinner, Sierra Historical Society.

I've rented it out.

Should be lots of fun.

I have very, very good roles for both of you.

Oh, wait, this isn't one of those, I show up

And I actually get murdered or anything.

Not a snuff. Not a snuff. Not a snuff at all.

Hey, Cindy, did you get yours?

Sure did, lieutenant, honey.

Williams: what if we can't make it?

Mm, you have to make it.

Hey, Trudy, don't eat this.

Let's not eat this, please.

OK. This is not like Willy Wonka. It's not chocolate.

No. This is not candy. This is just regular paper.

Son of a bitch.

Here we are.

Oh, man. Oh, man.

Sheriff's department!

Oh, man, whatever happened here, we missed it.

Reno 11 charlie 12.

This is Jones and Junior at Reno's diamond

Exchange on 14th and Virginia.

We're gonna need backup right away.

Gentlemen, no need to be alarmed.

I've already apprehended this scumbag.

From now on, you are not alone in your fight to

Clean up Reno.

You have an ally who'll be on every roof,

Every back alley, every street.

Whenever you guys need me, you just call,

And I will be there.

What do we call you?

Call me Nighthawk.

Both: thanks, Nighthawk!

Got a feeling things are gonna be a whole lot

Better around here, Jones.

You're damn right, Junior.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Ow! What the fuck?

Are you two fucking retarded?

Are you really fucking police officers?

That guy is not a fucking superhero.

That's a stupid-ass motherfucker on a bike

Who just stole all the goddamn jewelry.

Guess what, Einstein.

I fucking work at the goddamn jewelry store.

You didn't even ask him any fucking questions.

I mean, shit. What's in the bag?

"Thanks, Nighthawk."

You're pathetic.

Y'all can't be cops.

This must be a fucking joke.

Is this a fucking joke? You two motherfuckers are really goddamn cops?

Did you see a license plate on the bike, or anything?

I didn't.

I was so enthralled with his speech.

I was just wondering if he had a sidekick or something?

Weigel: aah! Aah aah aah!

Oh, Rai! Oh, my god!

What did you do? What's wrong?

What? What?

I taser--

I taser-pronged myself in the butt.

Oh, god, Rai.

How did you do this?

I was pretending like I was a cop.

Oh!

1, 2, 3.

Aah! Aah!

Oh, man.

1, 2, 3!

Go. OK.

Oww!

No? OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.

Don't bite her.

Ready? Let it go.

Relax.

Aah! Damn it! No.

Did it move a little bit?

Something moved.

OK. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Wait. It's coming. Wait. It's coming.

Oh, it's coming.

Oh! Oh god! Oh, god!

Oh, my... aah!

Aah!

Aaaaaah!

Nothing. Nothing.

Not a thing. Not a thing.

We have a combined 200 years of law enforcement

Education standing here right now.

Think we could probably handle this like--

Declan: call the fire department.

Fire department. That's an awesome idea.

Fire department, fire department, fire department.

Hey! Good to see you. How you guys doing?

Excuse me.

Hey, fellas, please, not now, not here.

You can't do this right here and now.

Come on, not here.

It's my daughter's wedding, my baby.

Please! What do you want, me to get on my knees?

No, no, sir. No.

I'll get on my knees, all right?

No, sir. Come on.

Hide me, will you, for Christ's sakes?

No. I'm sorry, sir. Look.

We don't want to do it. We don't want to do it.

Look at you. He looks like he enjoy-- Youse want some food?

No. It smells delicious, but we cannot stay.

We got to take you. We got to take you in.

Come on. I'm coming with youse.

Just give me an hour. What am I asking for?

An hour here, all right? Sit down.

Enjoy yourselves right here.

Come on. Let's go.

Where's this stuff coming from, Mars?

You try this meatball?

Mm, that's, like, 3 different kinds

Of meat on that thing.

That little meatball is different than

My meatball.

Mm, fire it over.

Here.

Ohh! Oh, my god. Huh?

Mm. Oh, my god. Wow!

Terry: can I help you?

Weigel: Terry, you're not typing anything, Terry.

Yeah, I am. Typing up books.

All you're doing is making an annoying sound

With your fingers on the keyboard.

I'm the fastest typer in the universe.

Terry, can we talk for a second?

You know why we're here?

I think you want to sign up for a cupcake class.

They have cupcake classes here?

Yeah. They do...

No, they don't, Terry.

And then I'm starting some new ones--Karate

And genital decorating.

Listen to me. What?

Were you or were you not pleasuring yourself

In the children's book nook?

Yes or no? Did you?

No. I'm asking you, yes or no?

I'm asking you now. Did you?

This is not about me. This is about you.

Were you or were you not pleasuring yourself

In the children's book nook?

Yes or no?

You say yes or no. You be honest.

Yes or no. No. You say yes or no.

I just did. Say yes or no.

Yes or no. One or the other.

One or the other. One or the other.

Say yes. No.

Agh! Terry, come on. Let's go for a ride.

Hold on. I'm on Facebook.

Shh! Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Send.

Dangle: mwah ha ha ha!

So, we're getting everything set

For dinner and a murder, and guess who is playing

Our lovely corpse.

Hey! Boom.

Ha ha ha!

Pshoo!

Trudy Weigel.

I wanted to get a young girl from the drama

Department at the university of Nevada,

Reno, to come play the corpse, but they passed.

Here's it. People come in; nosh, nosh, nosh; da da da;

Toast, toast, toast, "good to see you;" nosh,

Nosh, nosh; "have a nice time."

I will lead them into the bathroom.

"Oh, my goodness!

Penelope has been found dead"

I'm so glad that you could come.

No, no. You're dead. You can't.

There's no way you could say anything.

I think we should put two things in evidence.

I think this is a red herring.

You have this.

This is gonna be a red herring.

You know what that is? So, obviously--Poom!

Oh, that's not good for the murder mystery.

No. Impossible. That's a suicide mystery dinner.

They stabbed you right through the middle, so we're--

You're gonna stick a knife in my ribs?

Yeah. There's, like, a knife. We'll fake it.

They'll fake you with blood and some tape

And macaroni and stuff.

Oh, with macaroni. OK.

So, we'll cover you with macaroni and blood

And stick a knife right here.

OK. Ohh! Aah!

No, but you don't say it!

You don't say anything! God.

So, let's say here's what happened.

The murderer came in, macaroni, macaroni, macaroni...

Macaroni, macaroni, macaroni, macaroni, macaroni, macaroni.

Teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth. Take that, bitch.

Ow, not my teeth. Not my teeth.

Then into the face with the toilet, and then

They do it again, again.

So, she-- Ah, it's drowning.

Oh, then she drowns.

It's a misdirection.

It was always drowning in the toilet.

I like it very much. I do, too,

And then, you know what? What's that?

I brought this so they can check and see if

I've been raped.

That would be fun for the guests.

I feel like that puts a really dark turn

On things, don't you think?

I don't have a lot of parties.

I just feel like that's gonna ruin dessert.

Coco rico. Coco rico. OK.

We're back, El Chupacabra, the cold

Sucker, KPBA 102.0. ?qu?� pasa, chupi chupi?

Hola. Estamos listos, mi gente.

Yeah. Yo soy listo para poner my face into

Your breasts.

Ah, Jorge Jenaba, you are incorrigible.

Well, we are here today.

We have the Reno sheriff department here to

Talk about... [imitates motor]

Boat safety.

??arriba, arriba, arriba!

The Reno sheriff department remind you to

Register your boat because it's the law.

Hey!

Register boat. Register boat.

Ta-Da.

?qu?� es eso?

?qu?� est?�s?

What are you doing?

You come into my house... yeah.

Asi, dressed like a cartoon of my people.

Oh.

It is like you come into my church and pull down

Your police pants and make diarrhea all

Over Jesucristo.

I did not mean to diarrhea on the messiah.

You apologize to me.

I apologize.

You apologize to Chupi chupi...

I apologize.

And then I will say to you... it's a broma!

I Ashton Kutchered you!

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

Ha ha! Guaca, guaca, guaca, guaca...

Agagaga agagaga!

Don't make that noise! OK.

[Organ playing]

Mwah ha ha ha! Mwah ha ha ha!

Welcome to dinner and a murder.

I'm gonna work on that, but I think it's pretty scary.

Oh, lord, massa Jim, some of the other slaves

Done went down by the creek--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Time, time, time, time, time!

Timeout! Timeout!

What are you doing? What?

What are you doing?

This is my costume for the party, huh?

You're supposed to be mrs. Haberdash, my servant.

Why are you dressed like miss Frizzy

From "Roots"?

Because I thought this was what I was

Supposed to wear.

Please don't do that. Please don't do that. Please don't do that.

I's gonna go get the door for you, massa.

Everybody is gonna think it was my idea. Ah, crap.

[Organ plays]

Massa Jim, I would like to present massa Leslie Frost.

Do you love it? Do you love it?

It is so cute. Wasn't my idea.

She's supposed to be mrs. Haberdash,

My faithful servant.

Period detail. I love it.

Don't you wish you were alive then?

Oh, I know. In. Come he.

I love it. Somebody has still got--

Feel these hands and the shoulders.

Oh, my god, feel these lats.

Feel these lats on this guy, these lats and traps.

Are you working lats and traps?

Absolutely.

Who went lats and traps on me?

Look at you, you handsome devil.

Thank you. Thank you.

If anybody wants to rape me down in the slave

Quarters, just let me know.

Oh, I love it. OK.

Nobody is gonna rape you down in

The slave quarters.

[Doorbell rings]

I's better get the door, huh, massa Jim?

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Not my idea!

I's would like to introduce mrs. Debbie Dangle.

Hello, Deb. Look at diva.

And may I present my fiance--Gary Werner.

Coming, my love!

Hello.

Mwah, mwah, mwah.

Can't keep our hands off each other.

Oh, hello, strangers.

Number one, number two, number always forever and more.

Third time is the charm.

Ha ha! Isn't it, though?

May I offer you a glass of white?

Oh, yes. Sure.

Mrs. Haberdash?

Oh. Yes, massa Jim.

Let me gets that for you.

How campy. I love it.

OK, OK. We all love it. We all love it.

Get me a white wine, slave.

Ha ha! I love it.

Get her a wine, or we'll take a switch to you.

I'll take a switch to your hide.

I brought a switch.

OK. That was too much. We crossed a line.

We crossed a line with the one.

That was too much.

No one is gonna switch you.

No one is switching your hide.

This is what we do. We check nose, OK?

That's nice. Wow.

Check the legs, density of the grape.

That's nice, huh?

Huh.

Now we taste it.

Ah, that's good.

Wow, that's a good Merlot. Wow.

Youse done? How was it, eh?

It was great, right?

Absolutely delicious, sir, but--I'm sorry-- We got to go.

One other thing. All right.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

I got to dance "daddy's little girl"

With my daughter.

I got to do that.

We can lose our job already just for cutting

You this much slack.

We got to go. We got to go.

I'll tell you what. Say hello to my niece.

Apollonia, vene qua, over here.

No. We don't want to meet your little niece.

I'm sure she's adorable.

Come here. That's my niece.

Wow, no. We can't. We got to--

We got to go. We got to go. No.

Sit down. Sit, take a seat.

10 minutes.

10 minutes, one song.

Cin cin. Hey, ching ching.

Ching ching. Ha ha ha!

Ohh!

Ahh!

So, what's it like in Italy?

I have no idea. I'm from Long Island.

Oh, yeah, but I heard that that's really

Nice, though.

Supposed to be beautiful. Supposed to be beautiful.

Man: ? for the rest of my life ?

? I will love you every second we're together ?

Dangle: welcome to Fontleby manor.

I am lord Chance Fontleby, fifth heir

Of Fontleby manor here on the misty moors

Of Scotland...

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Aka the Reno historical society, which we must

Be out of by 11 PM, and that's a hard out.

For real, we have to be out by 11:00, really, no joke.

That's good. We want to get home and get busy, anyway.

We're trying to make a baby.

God bless.

And I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin'

No babies.

Oh!

No, you don't. No, you don't.

Dance for us.

Dance, minstrel, dance.

You know what, bitch? I'm his slave, not yours.

Are you gonna cut me? Yes. I am.

Goddamn it!

Gary-- Gary!

Look. I'm sorry about all the slave stuff.

Remember that Applebee's coupon I was

Gonna give you? Mm-Hmm.

We're gonna go 75 on that, OK?

That sound good?

That's fine. OK. Cool.

Come on, grandpa.

I'm going out tonight, and I can't afford

Regular drugs because of the sluggish economy.

I need these prescription drugs

For my heart.

Aw, fuck you, grandpa.

Give me the drugs!

Uh! Uhh...

We've all seen this scenario play out

Too many times, senior abuse, and all

For a quick high.

That's right.

In Washoe county, there were over 5,000

Cases of senior abuse last year.

Yes, over 5,000 cases-- Senior citizens beaten

Stabbed, raped, and bludgeoned for their

Prescription medications, and most

Of the drugs they have won't even get you high.

The drugs they're taking are to keep their

Arteries functioning and so they can pee.

They're not good for recreational use,

So let's make senior abuse just like grandpa--

A thing of the past.

This has been a message from the Reno sheriff's department.

All right, guys. Let's go.

Just do it quietly, not in front

Of everybody, all right?

Go ahead. Go ahead.

You know what?

Not today.

You kept your word.

You came back to us, and we should

Reward that.

We're not gonna arrest you on this, the blessed

Day of your daughter's wedding.

Enjoy your grandchildren.

Are you kidding?

Oh, wow.

Just stay out of trouble, and we

Never saw you.

We never saw you.

And say good-bye to your lovely niece

For me, please.

Oh, no, see? No. OK.

It's all right. It's all right.

You big guy. Thank you.

All right.

Oh, no. Look at this.

You feed the whole precinct, huh?

Ha ha!

I didn't think it was gonna work.

What did I tell you, man?

Italian weddings.

You just go. You stand in the back.

Pretty soon, some guys comes up, "hey, I

Didn't do it.

Please, if I could eat--

Have a chair. Beautiful.

I'm gonna be eating this for 3 days.

Works every time. Works every time.

And drink.

No.

Why don't we--

We'll do this 5 times really fast.

We'll do that and then--Boo!

Nothing? No.

Hup! Hup!

Let's double this up. OK.

Hup!

Hup!

Hup!

Up. Form. Get your form up. Boom.

There. Up. There. Boom.

"Nutcracker," "nutcracker,"

"Swan lake," and...

Come on.

Come on.

Mm, mm!

Rgh!

Come on!

That was so close.

I feel like we're right there.

I feel like I'm right there.

Hup, hup.

Arms up there, arms up there.

Hup, hup, hup.

Hup.

[Ping pong ball clatters]

Oh.

All right. All right.

Who's the lucky bachelor?

OK. 4 more to go.

[Ping pong balls clatter]

Williams: well, since we short on time, massa, maybe we

Better get to fixing to leave.

I don't want to wait anymore.

I'm not waiting for any more latecomers.

Let's just do it.

First, let us have a little toast,

And I'll pick a murderer, OK?

Everybody good?

Yeah. I don't remember where I left--

No. I think this is definitely yours.

Oh, OK. All right.

That one is yours. All right.

Let us toast to our wonderful once

And future wife.

And to our future child.

And to... Cabo... San Lucas.

Sammy Hagar, and... to murder.

To murder.

Ah, very good.

You wouldn't believe it's 3 bucks a bottle.

That is local.

$3.00 for a huge--

You don't taste it.

Deb? It's earthy, isn't it?

Deb? Deb?

What's going on?

She's dead.

Yay!

It's fun! Fabulous.

No, no.

No.

Everyone... she's really dead.

You're overemoting now.

Feel her! She's dead, goddamn it! She's dead!

Oh, my god, she's colder than normal.

She's dead. Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Oh, my god!

Don't move, don't touch her. Don't touch anything.

Weigel: Jim, what the fuck?

When are we gonna get to the murder part?

I've been laying on the bathroom floor for 3 hours.

[Thunder]

Captioning made possible by MTV networks

1, 2, 3, go!

[Zap]

Wow! Make her dance. Make her dance.

Like a marionette. OK.

[All humming]

Shock her! [Zap]

Shock her! [Zap]

Fire department! Fire department!

Fire department! Fire department! Fire department!

This lady was out.

She, uh--

How's it going, fellas?

Hey, guys. Hey, guys.

We did this again.

It happened again.

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