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1
00:00:04,169 --> 00:00:04,702
Captioning made possible by
mtv networks
2
00:00:04,737 --> 00:00:06,804
Oh! Come on, now!
Oh!
3
00:00:06,839 --> 00:00:08,072
What's this?
4
00:00:08,106 --> 00:00:10,942
What's going on?
You boys do this?
5
00:00:10,977 --> 00:00:14,245
Oh, right.
You didn't do this?
6
00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:16,381
Well, who did?
7
00:00:22,455 --> 00:00:24,189
Go! Freeze!
Get on the ground!
8
00:00:24,223 --> 00:00:25,256
[gunshot]
9
00:00:25,291 --> 00:00:27,091
[automatic gunfire]
10
00:00:36,735 --> 00:00:37,969
All right.
11
00:00:40,873 --> 00:00:42,741
Tornado!
12
00:00:44,510 --> 00:00:48,380
Crowd, chanting:
Hell no, we won't go!
13
00:00:48,414 --> 00:00:49,514
Yeah!
14
00:00:49,548 --> 00:00:51,683
Get a nice ride!
15
00:00:53,486 --> 00:00:54,786
Now!
16
00:00:56,922 --> 00:00:58,156
[siren]
17
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:08,132
Ah, that new greek
tanning place?
18
00:01:08,167 --> 00:01:10,101
Santorini tan?
19
00:01:10,136 --> 00:01:12,470
Is doing half-off
for law enforcement.
20
00:01:12,505 --> 00:01:14,806
You get half off
of any tanning
21
00:01:14,841 --> 00:01:17,275
Or what they call
speed tanning.
22
00:01:17,309 --> 00:01:20,278
I have an announcement
to make!
23
00:01:20,313 --> 00:01:24,615
Suck my big black cock!
24
00:01:24,650 --> 00:01:26,851
I won the fucking lotto!
25
00:01:26,885 --> 00:01:29,554
I won the fucking lotto!
26
00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:32,257
I am a fucking
millionaire!
27
00:01:32,291 --> 00:01:34,626
And I don't have to
fucking sit here anymore
28
00:01:34,660 --> 00:01:36,461
And listen to
your bullshit,
29
00:01:36,495 --> 00:01:38,396
You fucking crazy faggot!
30
00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:39,463
Fuck you!
31
00:01:39,498 --> 00:01:41,632
Fuck you!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
32
00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:46,138
Suck my dick, you
motherfucking cocksucker!
33
00:01:46,172 --> 00:01:47,639
Argh!
34
00:01:47,673 --> 00:01:49,541
Yes!
35
00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:52,844
[mouthing words]
36
00:01:52,878 --> 00:01:58,416
"03-06-14-18-46-51."
37
00:01:58,450 --> 00:02:00,018
Ok, that was a misprint.
Ok.
38
00:02:00,052 --> 00:02:01,485
Everybody had that.
39
00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:04,456
They printed
thousands of them.
40
00:02:04,490 --> 00:02:07,191
Yeah, that happens.
It happens.
41
00:02:07,225 --> 00:02:09,527
Put suck your dick on
my to-do list for me.
42
00:02:09,562 --> 00:02:12,863
Uh, when I said that
out loud, it was--
43
00:02:12,898 --> 00:02:14,065
Oh, I'm so sorry
not everybody's here.
44
00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:15,867
'cause what I want
to say,
45
00:02:15,901 --> 00:02:19,370
I wanted to say to
all of you butt bloats all at once...
46
00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:20,538
All right?
47
00:02:20,572 --> 00:02:24,542
You people have been
blisters on my taint
48
00:02:24,576 --> 00:02:27,145
And not just blisters,
but in-grown hairs.
49
00:02:27,179 --> 00:02:31,249
And yes, there's cabernet
in this cup, all right?
50
00:02:31,283 --> 00:02:33,150
I won the lottery
last night.
51
00:02:33,185 --> 00:02:34,319
You know why? 'Cause I
willed it to happen.
52
00:02:34,353 --> 00:02:35,453
Huh?
53
00:02:35,487 --> 00:02:37,255
I'm gonna go out
and snort coke
54
00:02:37,289 --> 00:02:39,724
Off a black man's
behind.
55
00:02:39,758 --> 00:02:41,793
Uh, you didn't hear
about this?
56
00:02:41,827 --> 00:02:44,395
"3-6-14-18-46-51"?
57
00:02:44,429 --> 00:02:46,263
Yes.
Yeah.
58
00:02:46,298 --> 00:02:48,266
They printed
3,000 of them.
59
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:51,603
But there is some
coke in evidence,
60
00:02:51,637 --> 00:02:52,871
And Jones is
a pretty good sport.
61
00:02:52,905 --> 00:02:55,073
Nice coat.
62
00:02:55,107 --> 00:02:56,007
Is it real?
63
00:02:56,041 --> 00:02:57,074
Yeah. Don't--
64
00:02:57,108 --> 00:03:01,779
Aw...Yeah, baby!
65
00:03:01,814 --> 00:03:02,980
Ha ha ha!
66
00:03:03,015 --> 00:03:06,384
Oh, suck it!
Suck it!
67
00:03:06,418 --> 00:03:09,253
Guess who won
the lotto? Guess!
68
00:03:09,288 --> 00:03:12,156
Ha ha ha!
Fuck you, motherfucker.
69
00:03:12,190 --> 00:03:13,525
Fuck you!
70
00:03:16,929 --> 00:03:19,130
For the record,
you're the second person to come in
71
00:03:19,165 --> 00:03:20,732
And tell us to suck
your black dick.
72
00:03:20,766 --> 00:03:21,766
Who else did?
73
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:23,033
[clicks tongue]
74
00:03:23,068 --> 00:03:24,703
Huh.
75
00:03:29,875 --> 00:03:32,077
Sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department!
76
00:03:32,111 --> 00:03:34,946
Sir, sir, do you have
any other attire?
77
00:03:34,980 --> 00:03:36,948
You all right?
You all right?
78
00:03:36,982 --> 00:03:38,483
This is loud?
What is my attire--
79
00:03:38,517 --> 00:03:39,651
He hit me over the head!
80
00:03:39,685 --> 00:03:40,818
Settle down.
Calm down.
81
00:03:40,853 --> 00:03:41,986
Sir, take a breath.
Ok.
82
00:03:42,020 --> 00:03:42,987
Breathe in,
then breathe it out.
83
00:03:43,022 --> 00:03:43,988
All right.
84
00:03:44,022 --> 00:03:45,990
Let it in,
let it out.
85
00:03:46,024 --> 00:03:46,991
You good?
Yeah.
86
00:03:47,026 --> 00:03:48,159
Did you call?
Yes.
87
00:03:48,193 --> 00:03:49,159
You called?
88
00:03:49,194 --> 00:03:50,495
My lover Sidney
hit me over the head
89
00:03:50,529 --> 00:03:51,996
With my bicentennial
commemorative plate
90
00:03:52,031 --> 00:03:55,566
That was a gift from
my good friend Cheryl Ladd.
91
00:03:55,601 --> 00:03:56,834
Cheryl Ladd?
My goodness.
92
00:03:56,868 --> 00:03:57,835
The Cheryl Ladd?
93
00:03:57,870 --> 00:03:59,203
Yes!
Star of stage and screen
94
00:03:59,238 --> 00:04:00,738
And calendar.
95
00:04:00,772 --> 00:04:02,206
Now, did he toss you
out without your pants?
96
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:03,208
Without your clothes?
97
00:04:03,242 --> 00:04:04,709
This is a swimsuit.
98
00:04:04,743 --> 00:04:06,043
Gotcha.
Swimsuit. Swimwear.
99
00:04:06,077 --> 00:04:07,145
Here's the deal.
100
00:04:07,179 --> 00:04:08,880
Ok, let's get
that straight.
101
00:04:08,914 --> 00:04:09,814
Ok?
102
00:04:09,848 --> 00:04:10,982
You sure
you're ok?
103
00:04:11,017 --> 00:04:12,216
There's a hell of a
lot of blood in there.
104
00:04:12,251 --> 00:04:13,618
We'll take Sidney away,
105
00:04:13,652 --> 00:04:14,853
But you got to tell
us where he is.
106
00:04:14,887 --> 00:04:16,387
We'll pick him up,
we'll take him away.
107
00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:19,991
He's in the bag.
Yeah.
108
00:04:20,025 --> 00:04:22,394
I chopped him up.
Ha ha.
109
00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,229
In you go.
Say, uh, travis?
110
00:04:24,263 --> 00:04:25,430
Sir, yes, sir?
111
00:04:25,464 --> 00:04:26,998
Where are you putting
Sidney, by the way?
112
00:04:27,032 --> 00:04:28,165
Trunk's full.
113
00:04:28,199 --> 00:04:29,167
Trunk's full?
114
00:04:29,201 --> 00:04:30,401
Sidney's getting shotgun.
115
00:04:30,435 --> 00:04:31,669
Oh!
116
00:04:31,704 --> 00:04:33,338
Hey, don't take it
the wrong way,
117
00:04:33,372 --> 00:04:34,906
That I'd rather
sit up here
118
00:04:34,940 --> 00:04:37,575
With the dismembered corpse
of your lover than with you,
119
00:04:37,609 --> 00:04:40,445
It's just that I don't
want to get...On it.
120
00:04:45,517 --> 00:04:46,817
Ok, excuse me, officers.
121
00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:49,988
Ok, I just need
to tell you right now,
122
00:04:50,022 --> 00:04:52,256
All right, that this is
not what it looks like.
123
00:04:52,290 --> 00:04:54,959
I came here to ask you
a couple of questions.
124
00:04:54,993 --> 00:04:56,094
Well, go ahead.
125
00:04:56,128 --> 00:04:57,095
Hypothetically
speaking...
126
00:04:57,129 --> 00:04:58,095
Yes?
127
00:04:58,129 --> 00:04:59,030
Hypothetically
speaking, ok.
128
00:04:59,064 --> 00:05:00,064
Make-believe.
129
00:05:00,098 --> 00:05:01,132
Make-believe,
right. Ok.
130
00:05:01,166 --> 00:05:02,466
Make-believe.
Make-believe.
131
00:05:02,501 --> 00:05:07,137
If one were to come
across a wheelbarrow like this, ok,
132
00:05:07,172 --> 00:05:08,973
And this wheelbarrow
may have been
133
00:05:09,008 --> 00:05:11,309
Involved in some kind
of illicit activity
134
00:05:11,343 --> 00:05:14,312
That may involve
2 or 3 people wearing masks
135
00:05:14,347 --> 00:05:16,314
And one of them
may happen to work
136
00:05:16,348 --> 00:05:17,582
At the metro casino.
137
00:05:17,616 --> 00:05:20,017
That's neither here
nor there.
138
00:05:20,051 --> 00:05:21,953
I came diligently
looking for you.
139
00:05:21,987 --> 00:05:24,154
Thank god I--
I won't touch you, officer.
140
00:05:24,189 --> 00:05:25,823
But if I could,
I would hug you.
141
00:05:25,857 --> 00:05:27,992
Looking for you
just to show you
142
00:05:28,026 --> 00:05:30,495
That this could
indeed be contraband
143
00:05:30,529 --> 00:05:32,330
Involving people.
144
00:05:32,364 --> 00:05:34,332
And let me
ask you this.
145
00:05:34,366 --> 00:05:36,501
If indeed this was
contraband... Yes?
146
00:05:36,535 --> 00:05:38,169
And it were
involving people...
147
00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:39,670
Yes.
148
00:05:39,705 --> 00:05:42,006
Would all of the
people we involved,
149
00:05:42,041 --> 00:05:43,674
Would they all
get in trouble?
150
00:05:43,709 --> 00:05:45,109
Yes.
151
00:05:49,915 --> 00:05:51,982
That's what
they're born to do.
152
00:06:00,926 --> 00:06:04,061
Hold up.
What's--who's that?
153
00:06:04,096 --> 00:06:05,563
Is that Jimmy?
154
00:06:07,098 --> 00:06:08,299
What the hell?
155
00:06:08,334 --> 00:06:10,235
What's up, guys?
156
00:06:10,269 --> 00:06:11,502
Yo!
157
00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:13,471
How's it going?
158
00:06:13,505 --> 00:06:15,006
What are you--
what are you doing?
159
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:16,340
How's crime tonight?
160
00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:18,509
How's the rhyme tonight?
161
00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:20,411
I don't even--
162
00:06:20,445 --> 00:06:22,079
Terry, what are
you doing--
163
00:06:22,114 --> 00:06:24,315
What are you doing
with a cop car?
164
00:06:24,349 --> 00:06:26,985
I bought the car
at cop car mart.
165
00:06:27,019 --> 00:06:28,252
I got the--
166
00:06:28,287 --> 00:06:29,587
Cop car mart?
167
00:06:29,621 --> 00:06:31,255
The uniform
at uniform junction.
168
00:06:31,289 --> 00:06:32,757
I--
169
00:06:32,792 --> 00:06:35,426
And then I got a gun
from...Everybody buying a gun tonight
170
00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:37,027
The gun store.
171
00:06:37,062 --> 00:06:39,998
[indistinct]
OK, we're good.
172
00:06:40,032 --> 00:06:41,032
Stop it!
173
00:06:41,066 --> 00:06:42,767
There's
no bullets in it!
174
00:06:42,801 --> 00:06:43,934
Ok, ok. Ok.
175
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:45,103
[gun shots]
176
00:06:45,137 --> 00:06:47,105
Knock it off!
Knock it off!
177
00:06:47,139 --> 00:06:48,105
Stop it, Terry.
178
00:06:48,140 --> 00:06:49,740
I thought
there were no bullets.
179
00:06:49,775 --> 00:06:51,475
Man: What the fuck,
Terry.
180
00:06:51,510 --> 00:06:52,610
Terry: Hi.
181
00:06:52,644 --> 00:06:53,611
Woman: Aw, jesus.
182
00:06:53,645 --> 00:06:54,779
What was that?
Jim.
183
00:06:54,813 --> 00:06:55,780
What was in that rag?
184
00:06:55,814 --> 00:06:56,714
Are you all right?
185
00:06:56,748 --> 00:06:59,049
We don't chloroform
our friends.
186
00:06:59,084 --> 00:07:01,152
Uh, he's been
doing coke back here.
187
00:07:01,186 --> 00:07:02,419
Did you see this?
188
00:07:02,454 --> 00:07:05,089
Look, he's got powder
all over his nose.
189
00:07:05,123 --> 00:07:08,993
I've been baking a cake
for you guys as a surprise.
190
00:07:09,027 --> 00:07:10,561
[cries]
191
00:07:13,832 --> 00:07:15,399
Man: Right here!
Right here!
192
00:07:15,433 --> 00:07:18,436
I'm in charge of
a youth group.
193
00:07:18,470 --> 00:07:20,171
I've been leading them
out here
194
00:07:20,205 --> 00:07:22,740
On a 3-day weekend excursion
into the wilderness.
195
00:07:22,774 --> 00:07:24,676
It's a find-yourself
excursion.
196
00:07:24,710 --> 00:07:25,676
Uh-huh.
197
00:07:25,711 --> 00:07:26,677
Calm yourself.
198
00:07:26,711 --> 00:07:28,346
Kind of a chance
for me and the boys
199
00:07:28,380 --> 00:07:29,847
To get in touch
with nature.
200
00:07:29,882 --> 00:07:30,781
Uh, sure.
201
00:07:30,815 --> 00:07:33,351
And I'm not sure
where they are.
202
00:07:33,385 --> 00:07:34,685
Oh, my goodness.
203
00:07:34,719 --> 00:07:37,689
How many--
how many boys did you say?
204
00:07:37,723 --> 00:07:39,190
Youth group.
205
00:07:39,225 --> 00:07:40,458
Uh, roughly about 45.
206
00:07:40,492 --> 00:07:44,028
45?
You've misplaced 45 young boys?
207
00:07:44,062 --> 00:07:45,663
Well...
[crying]
208
00:07:45,697 --> 00:07:48,966
No, no, no! Don't panic!
Don't panic! Don't panic!
209
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,535
Can you describe
the boys?
210
00:07:50,569 --> 00:07:53,604
Oh, well,
they're all blond.
211
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:56,040
They're very kind of
light-skinned.
212
00:07:56,075 --> 00:07:59,577
Most of them have
kind of a hazel-tint to their eyes.
213
00:07:59,612 --> 00:08:01,245
Like in
the Abercrombie & Fitch ads.
214
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,314
Exactly, exactly!
215
00:08:03,348 --> 00:08:04,749
They're in the spring.
216
00:08:04,783 --> 00:08:06,250
They just went swimming
in the spring
217
00:08:06,284 --> 00:08:07,484
And they got
the Abercrombie Fitch on them.
218
00:08:07,519 --> 00:08:09,553
Right. So we're
looking for 45--
219
00:08:09,588 --> 00:08:11,555
Oldest is 14-year-old
Abercrombie & Fitch
220
00:08:11,589 --> 00:08:14,125
Kind of shirtless
tow-headed aryan type.
221
00:08:14,159 --> 00:08:16,427
There's a--
yeah.
222
00:08:16,462 --> 00:08:18,429
I think it's
all shrooms.
223
00:08:18,464 --> 00:08:20,098
Did you take
any mushrooms with that?
224
00:08:20,132 --> 00:08:21,432
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. How many?
225
00:08:21,466 --> 00:08:23,434
Stems and caps?
The whole things?
226
00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:25,436
Whole thing. Found a
whole clove of them
227
00:08:25,470 --> 00:08:26,437
Up on that ridge.
228
00:08:26,471 --> 00:08:27,572
Right up there?
Mm-hmm.
229
00:08:27,606 --> 00:08:29,207
Uh, here's what
we're gonna do.
230
00:08:29,241 --> 00:08:30,775
We're gonna leave you
cuffed here.
231
00:08:30,809 --> 00:08:31,775
All right.
232
00:08:31,810 --> 00:08:33,111
Ride it out.
Right?
233
00:08:33,145 --> 00:08:34,312
Mmm.
234
00:08:34,346 --> 00:08:37,348
Yeah, ride it out!
235
00:08:38,751 --> 00:08:40,284
I'm good!
236
00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:42,954
Ride it out!
237
00:08:42,988 --> 00:08:44,689
Woo!
238
00:08:48,994 --> 00:08:51,963
Hey, Joe, can you tell
I'm wearing a thong?
239
00:08:51,997 --> 00:08:54,465
I've never worn one
before.
240
00:08:54,499 --> 00:08:55,867
Sheriff's
department.
241
00:08:55,901 --> 00:08:57,735
Sheriff's department!
Is the owner here?
242
00:08:57,769 --> 00:08:59,503
Yeah, I'm the owner.
Can I help you?
243
00:08:59,537 --> 00:09:01,839
Yeah. We have a little problem
we need to talk about.
244
00:09:01,873 --> 00:09:03,007
Really?
245
00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:04,175
We got a big problem.
246
00:09:04,209 --> 00:09:05,342
Yeah, we got
a real big problem.
247
00:09:05,376 --> 00:09:06,577
Is it about
the foot in the bag?
248
00:09:06,612 --> 00:09:08,513
Uh, no, it's--
a foot in a bag?
249
00:09:08,547 --> 00:09:10,181
No. Ok,
never mind that.
250
00:09:10,215 --> 00:09:12,083
Is it about the quonset
hut full of hookers?
251
00:09:12,117 --> 00:09:13,851
No, ma'am.
We got a serious--
252
00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:15,186
You have a quonset--
253
00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:16,821
Never mind.
Forget I ever said that!
254
00:09:16,855 --> 00:09:19,190
And I hope you're
not here for the rufee incident
255
00:09:19,224 --> 00:09:20,858
'cause I think
that's all cleared up.
256
00:09:20,892 --> 00:09:22,192
Right, ok. Uh...
257
00:09:22,227 --> 00:09:23,861
Ok?
258
00:09:23,895 --> 00:09:25,963
All right, now,
you talk about a rufee incident.
259
00:09:25,997 --> 00:09:28,432
Now, again, I'm gonna have to
ask you, how long ago was this?
260
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:30,434
Because we're not here
for that, frankly.
261
00:09:30,469 --> 00:09:31,769
It was a very
long time ago.
262
00:09:31,803 --> 00:09:32,804
Ok.
263
00:09:32,838 --> 00:09:34,872
Many people can't
remember it.
264
00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:36,541
Good enough for us.
265
00:09:36,575 --> 00:09:37,808
Good.
266
00:09:37,843 --> 00:09:42,280
W-well, what we're
actually here for is, uh...
267
00:09:42,314 --> 00:09:45,683
We appreciate that
you're sponsoring the young ladies softball team--
268
00:09:45,717 --> 00:09:47,051
Thank you!
269
00:09:47,085 --> 00:09:50,053
But the t-shirts
are not appropriate for the girls.
270
00:09:50,088 --> 00:09:51,722
These are young girls.
271
00:09:51,756 --> 00:09:53,523
Fine.
272
00:09:53,558 --> 00:09:55,726
Should have
said that when you came in.
273
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:56,728
Well, all right.
274
00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,262
Good day.
Good day.
275
00:09:58,296 --> 00:09:59,864
[door opens and slams shut]
276
00:09:59,898 --> 00:10:01,966
That turned out to be
easier than I thought.
277
00:10:03,101 --> 00:10:05,002
Have you ever worn
a thong?
278
00:10:05,036 --> 00:10:06,570
No, I haven't.
279
00:10:06,604 --> 00:10:07,905
Aw, good god,
this thing...
280
00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:09,573
It's almost like
I can't breathe.
281
00:10:09,608 --> 00:10:11,008
Even when my breathing parts
are up here.
282
00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:12,509
I know they're not
down here.
283
00:10:12,544 --> 00:10:14,012
I really don't want
to talk about your thong.
284
00:10:14,046 --> 00:10:15,346
You don't have
to talk about it.
285
00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:16,513
I'm talking about it.
286
00:10:16,548 --> 00:10:18,148
You're supposed
to listen.
287
00:10:27,124 --> 00:10:33,530
Oh, well, that's not
as bad as I expected.
288
00:10:33,565 --> 00:10:37,633
Jim had a little
tanning booth accident.
289
00:10:37,668 --> 00:10:41,071
We're here to visit him.
290
00:10:41,105 --> 00:10:44,574
Jim, you look terrific!
291
00:10:44,609 --> 00:10:47,744
I was expecting
much worse!
292
00:10:47,779 --> 00:10:53,316
I mean, this is like
a surface...Burn.
293
00:10:53,351 --> 00:10:54,584
Ooh, you are tense.
294
00:10:54,618 --> 00:10:55,752
[whimpering]
295
00:10:55,787 --> 00:10:57,754
Jesus, Jim.
What have you been doing?
296
00:10:57,788 --> 00:10:58,922
[yelping]
297
00:10:58,956 --> 00:11:01,625
Woo!, woo,
you been lifting.
298
00:11:01,659 --> 00:11:02,926
Ha ha!
You've been lifting.
299
00:11:02,961 --> 00:11:04,661
[screaming]
300
00:11:04,696 --> 00:11:07,030
I'm gonna check you
for a do-do, ok?
301
00:11:07,065 --> 00:11:09,265
I'm gonna roll you over
and check you here.
302
00:11:09,299 --> 00:11:10,600
[screaming]
303
00:11:10,635 --> 00:11:12,102
Uh-oh!
Peek-a-boo!
304
00:11:12,136 --> 00:11:13,436
We got a turtle!
305
00:11:13,471 --> 00:11:15,705
Can you work
that one out, sweetie?
306
00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:18,274
We'll wait while till
that one works itself out,
307
00:11:18,308 --> 00:11:19,609
God bless him.
308
00:11:19,644 --> 00:11:21,311
God bless
your little heart.
309
00:11:21,345 --> 00:11:23,747
Would it
make you feel better if I stripped down
310
00:11:23,781 --> 00:11:25,282
Into just my adult diaper, too?
311
00:11:25,316 --> 00:11:28,552
'cause I'll do that
for you, Jim, I will.
312
00:11:28,586 --> 00:11:30,620
I am that kind of friend.
313
00:11:46,370 --> 00:11:48,271
What can I do for you?
314
00:11:48,305 --> 00:11:51,341
Uh, well,
I just thought I'd pull you over.
315
00:11:51,375 --> 00:11:54,344
You were veering over
the line a little bit into the other lane
316
00:11:54,378 --> 00:11:55,778
And then veering back,
317
00:11:55,813 --> 00:11:58,782
So I just thought maybe
I'd pull you over, have a little chat.
318
00:11:58,816 --> 00:12:01,518
Well, you're looking
awful good tonight.
319
00:12:01,552 --> 00:12:04,922
I know that. Would
you please step out of the vehicle, please?
320
00:12:06,023 --> 00:12:07,824
Officer: Spring break?
321
00:12:07,858 --> 00:12:09,192
Oh, no, no, no.
322
00:12:09,226 --> 00:12:10,760
Actually...
323
00:12:10,794 --> 00:12:12,829
Actually, some of
that's from yesterday.
324
00:12:12,863 --> 00:12:15,198
Did you used to dance
at a place
325
00:12:15,232 --> 00:12:17,768
Called the Raging Kitten?
326
00:12:17,802 --> 00:12:19,469
I did!
327
00:12:19,504 --> 00:12:22,339
My goodness.
You've got to--
328
00:12:22,373 --> 00:12:23,940
Why do you remember that?
329
00:12:23,974 --> 00:12:28,011
You've got a mole
right on the other side of your nipple.
330
00:12:28,045 --> 00:12:29,879
Yes, I do.
331
00:12:29,914 --> 00:12:31,314
I tell you what,
332
00:12:31,348 --> 00:12:33,850
I've had some table
dances in my day,
333
00:12:33,884 --> 00:12:36,653
But I don't believe
I've ever had anything
334
00:12:36,687 --> 00:12:38,421
That could top that.
335
00:12:38,455 --> 00:12:39,923
Ha ha!
336
00:12:39,957 --> 00:12:42,926
Oh, misty- water-colored
memories, huh?
337
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,193
Are you seeing anybody?
338
00:12:44,228 --> 00:12:46,429
You're not married
anymore, are you?
339
00:12:46,463 --> 00:12:49,298
I was never
officially married, no.
340
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:52,202
Anyway, um...
341
00:12:52,236 --> 00:12:54,937
What, you're 5 miles
away from the airport?
342
00:12:54,972 --> 00:12:56,339
Uh...
343
00:12:56,374 --> 00:12:57,507
What can happen?
344
00:12:57,541 --> 00:12:58,875
You wouldn't
be doing this
345
00:12:58,909 --> 00:13:00,377
If you didn't think
you could handle it.
346
00:13:00,411 --> 00:13:02,445
And quite honestly,
I drive great when I'm a little...
347
00:13:02,479 --> 00:13:03,647
[clicks tongue]...
You know?
348
00:13:03,681 --> 00:13:05,615
I'm not sure
I don't fly just a little bit better,
349
00:13:05,650 --> 00:13:06,950
You know what
I mean?
350
00:13:06,984 --> 00:13:08,551
Takes the nerve
out of it.
351
00:13:08,585 --> 00:13:10,553
You don't overthink
things, you know...
352
00:13:10,588 --> 00:13:15,291
Doesn't look like
a lot of traffic up there, huh?
353
00:13:15,325 --> 00:13:16,960
Nothing up there
to hit.
354
00:13:16,995 --> 00:13:18,295
Ha ha.
355
00:13:18,329 --> 00:13:22,365
Is there a mrs...
Captain?
356
00:13:23,667 --> 00:13:27,971
Well...Uh...No.
357
00:13:28,005 --> 00:13:29,139
No?
358
00:13:29,173 --> 00:13:30,807
No.
359
00:13:32,043 --> 00:13:33,577
I'll take that
to mean yes.
360
00:13:33,611 --> 00:13:35,579
Ok, look, I should
cite you,
361
00:13:35,613 --> 00:13:41,051
I should haul you in,
but I like your style.
362
00:13:41,085 --> 00:13:44,120
Just make this--
actually, I'm not gonna give you
363
00:13:44,154 --> 00:13:45,521
My phone number.
364
00:13:45,556 --> 00:13:48,191
I got one word for you,
one clue:
365
00:13:48,226 --> 00:13:49,425
Karaoke.
366
00:13:49,460 --> 00:13:51,194
That's it.
367
00:13:51,228 --> 00:13:54,097
If you want me,
you find me.
368
00:13:54,865 --> 00:13:57,267
It's fine.
369
00:13:57,301 --> 00:13:59,703
He's good.
I--I--
370
00:13:59,737 --> 00:14:01,037
Well...
371
00:14:01,071 --> 00:14:03,273
[horn honks]
372
00:14:08,746 --> 00:14:10,013
Woman: Hey, cindy.
373
00:14:10,047 --> 00:14:11,380
Hi.
374
00:14:11,415 --> 00:14:14,050
Did you tell someone
in the drunk tank to tap that?
375
00:14:14,084 --> 00:14:15,718
Did you tell them that?
376
00:14:15,753 --> 00:14:17,553
I did!
I learned it today!
377
00:14:17,588 --> 00:14:19,055
Ok, you know what?
378
00:14:19,089 --> 00:14:21,424
The next time you see
someone that you like,
379
00:14:21,458 --> 00:14:26,228
Don't say that to them
when they're in that metal cage, ok,
380
00:14:26,263 --> 00:14:27,664
To the people
in the cages.
381
00:14:27,699 --> 00:14:29,065
Don't say that.
382
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:31,000
And when they say,
"can I have some lotion,"
383
00:14:31,035 --> 00:14:32,268
Just say no.
384
00:14:32,302 --> 00:14:33,336
No lotion.
385
00:14:33,370 --> 00:14:35,939
No. 'cause now
I have a mess to clean up.
386
00:14:35,973 --> 00:14:37,107
So no lotion.
Ok.
387
00:14:37,141 --> 00:14:38,441
And no, "tap that."
388
00:14:38,476 --> 00:14:41,511
Only special friends
do you say "tap that" to.
389
00:14:41,545 --> 00:14:43,246
Ok.
390
00:14:47,885 --> 00:14:50,253
I know that you're
held up here
391
00:14:50,287 --> 00:14:51,588
In a bad state,
392
00:14:51,622 --> 00:14:53,623
But I got you
some entertainment.
393
00:14:53,658 --> 00:14:55,125
[moans]
394
00:14:55,159 --> 00:14:57,527
I brought you
some entertainment, yeah.
395
00:14:57,562 --> 00:14:59,062
Are you ready?
Ready?
396
00:14:59,096 --> 00:15:00,797
[trills]
397
00:15:00,831 --> 00:15:01,965
Oh!
398
00:15:01,999 --> 00:15:03,700
[beat boxing]
399
00:15:11,408 --> 00:15:13,142
Jim Dangle
oh
400
00:15:13,177 --> 00:15:15,645
Jim Dangle
oh
401
00:15:15,679 --> 00:15:18,280
Jim Dangle
oh
402
00:15:18,315 --> 00:15:21,084
tanning bed
403
00:15:28,860 --> 00:15:31,093
Jim Dangle
404
00:15:31,128 --> 00:15:32,929
Ha ha!
405
00:15:34,065 --> 00:15:35,531
He looks like
he liked it.
406
00:15:35,566 --> 00:15:36,699
Yeah.
He liked it.
407
00:15:36,733 --> 00:15:38,034
Ha!
408
00:15:43,541 --> 00:15:45,542
[squawking]
409
00:15:45,576 --> 00:15:47,377
Hi. I'm from
the Reno sheriff's department.
410
00:15:47,411 --> 00:15:49,546
Our friends at the Washoe county
animal shelter
411
00:15:49,580 --> 00:15:52,548
Have lots of little friends
who are currently available
412
00:15:52,583 --> 00:15:54,050
For adoption.
413
00:15:54,084 --> 00:15:55,418
This is Koko.
414
00:15:55,452 --> 00:15:58,455
She's a South American macau
who's got a lot of love to give
415
00:15:58,489 --> 00:16:00,990
And she shows it
by singing.
416
00:16:01,024 --> 00:16:04,627
Just listen to
Koko's enthusiasm.
417
00:16:05,963 --> 00:16:09,733
That high-pitched screech
is her way of saying I love you,
418
00:16:09,767 --> 00:16:11,968
And she says it
quite a bit.
419
00:16:12,003 --> 00:16:14,236
Koko's looking for
a good family,
420
00:16:14,271 --> 00:16:16,506
A patient or possibly
hearing-impaired people.
421
00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:19,909
So if you're interested,
come on down right away
422
00:16:19,943 --> 00:16:22,912
Before someone else takes
this precious little bird
423
00:16:22,947 --> 00:16:25,548
Back to their nest.
424
00:16:25,582 --> 00:16:29,218
Ow! Fuck it!
Son of a bitch.
425
00:16:39,695 --> 00:16:42,832
3 left turn signals
do not a right turn signal make,
426
00:16:42,866 --> 00:16:44,567
Dip shit.
427
00:16:45,869 --> 00:16:47,169
Ha ha ha ha!
428
00:16:47,203 --> 00:16:48,504
Missed me,
you little asswipe.
429
00:16:48,538 --> 00:16:49,671
[cocks gun]
430
00:16:49,706 --> 00:16:50,839
Woman:
Fuck you, pig!
431
00:16:50,873 --> 00:16:51,840
[gunfire]
432
00:16:51,875 --> 00:16:54,643
Jesus shit!
[indistinct]
433
00:16:58,181 --> 00:17:00,081
Cindy: I like
working here so much.
434
00:17:00,116 --> 00:17:01,417
You like
working here?
435
00:17:01,451 --> 00:17:04,687
Mm-hmm.
Nobody even try to have sex with me today.
436
00:17:04,721 --> 00:17:06,689
Is so nice.
437
00:17:06,723 --> 00:17:08,390
No, no, no, no.
438
00:17:08,425 --> 00:17:11,259
You know what?
But they might try.
439
00:17:11,294 --> 00:17:13,796
But you know what?
Let me tell you what you can say.
440
00:17:13,830 --> 00:17:15,798
Hell no!
441
00:17:15,832 --> 00:17:17,700
Hell no!
442
00:17:17,734 --> 00:17:19,901
Like that?
Like that one?
443
00:17:19,935 --> 00:17:21,570
Yeah, but don't
smile after.
444
00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:23,738
'cause if you go,
"hell no!"
445
00:17:23,773 --> 00:17:25,807
And you smile,
they gonna be like,
446
00:17:25,842 --> 00:17:27,476
They gonna think
you really want to do it.
447
00:17:27,511 --> 00:17:28,477
Oh, right.
448
00:17:28,511 --> 00:17:30,412
So you have to keep
a face like this.
449
00:17:30,446 --> 00:17:32,448
Ok.
450
00:17:32,482 --> 00:17:36,151
Hell no.
451
00:17:36,186 --> 00:17:38,387
No way I have sex
with you for money.
452
00:17:38,421 --> 00:17:41,256
Uh-uh. I don't
do that no more.
453
00:17:41,290 --> 00:17:45,060
I don't have sex
for no money no more, honey.
454
00:17:46,863 --> 00:17:48,497
You teach me a lot.
455
00:17:48,531 --> 00:17:50,398
You teach me
so much.
456
00:17:56,940 --> 00:17:59,574
And wilt thou bring me
unto dust again?
457
00:17:59,609 --> 00:18:00,843
Hmm?
458
00:18:00,877 --> 00:18:03,378
Hast thou not
poured me out as milk
459
00:18:03,412 --> 00:18:06,182
And curdled me
like cheese?
460
00:18:07,350 --> 00:18:09,484
See, it's gonna be
all right?
461
00:18:09,519 --> 00:18:11,587
You got nothing
to worry about.
462
00:18:11,621 --> 00:18:14,155
Huh. Nice, nice.
463
00:18:14,190 --> 00:18:15,757
It's your friend Jonesy.
464
00:18:15,791 --> 00:18:17,259
He knows what it's like
465
00:18:17,293 --> 00:18:19,261
To have skin that's
different from everybody else,
466
00:18:19,296 --> 00:18:23,665
And he's doing just fine,
huh?
467
00:18:23,699 --> 00:18:27,035
Do you mind if I have
a moment alone?
468
00:18:27,069 --> 00:18:28,170
Um...
469
00:18:28,204 --> 00:18:29,337
With--with Jim?
470
00:18:29,372 --> 00:18:31,740
Alright.
471
00:18:36,546 --> 00:18:38,513
Hey, Jim.
472
00:18:38,547 --> 00:18:42,016
Did you enjoy
your chloroform nap?
473
00:18:42,051 --> 00:18:43,852
Huh?
474
00:18:43,886 --> 00:18:45,754
Yeah.
475
00:18:48,057 --> 00:18:49,524
Yeah.
476
00:18:49,559 --> 00:18:52,528
Listen, fucker,
477
00:18:52,562 --> 00:18:58,667
You sexually harass me
one more time,
478
00:18:58,701 --> 00:19:01,670
I have ample amount
of chloroform,
479
00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:03,705
And I have plenty
of time.
480
00:19:03,740 --> 00:19:05,040
[moaning]
481
00:19:05,074 --> 00:19:06,708
Shut up.
Shut up.
482
00:19:06,742 --> 00:19:07,876
Sit there.
483
00:19:07,910 --> 00:19:09,178
[yelling]
484
00:19:13,549 --> 00:19:15,383
Hola.
485
00:19:15,417 --> 00:19:17,619
[speaking spanish poorly]
486
00:19:54,856 --> 00:19:56,623
Woman:
surprise
hey
487
00:19:56,658 --> 00:19:57,625
we love you
488
00:19:57,659 --> 00:19:58,626
Man:
hey
489
00:19:58,660 --> 00:20:00,628
surprise,
we love you
490
00:20:00,662 --> 00:20:01,728
hey
491
00:20:01,763 --> 00:20:03,164
we're here
to bring some cheer
492
00:20:03,198 --> 00:20:04,632
we're here
you're a little gloomy
493
00:20:04,666 --> 00:20:06,567
we want to make you happy
494
00:20:06,601 --> 00:20:07,901
so we'll make it snappy
495
00:20:07,936 --> 00:20:10,937
we're here, you're queer
we're here, you're queer
496
00:20:10,972 --> 00:20:14,775
we're here, you're queer,
we're here, you're queer
497
00:20:14,809 --> 00:20:17,478
Yay!
Yay!
498
00:20:17,512 --> 00:20:18,645
All right!
499
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,147
Argh!
500
00:20:20,181 --> 00:20:22,249
They pulled
your blue cross,
501
00:20:22,283 --> 00:20:24,818
And we're gonna
have to get you out of here.
502
00:20:24,853 --> 00:20:26,320
[crying]
503
00:20:26,354 --> 00:20:27,988
Everybody take--
be real gentle.
504
00:20:28,023 --> 00:20:28,990
Here we go!
505
00:20:29,024 --> 00:20:29,990
Real
gentle.
506
00:20:30,024 --> 00:20:31,492
Real gentle.
Real gentle.
507
00:20:31,526 --> 00:20:32,660
You got him?
508
00:20:32,694 --> 00:20:34,361
Real gentle.
Real gentle.
509
00:20:34,396 --> 00:20:35,462
He's hot!
510
00:20:35,497 --> 00:20:37,030
Yeah, he's hot!
511
00:20:37,065 --> 00:20:39,032
Put him down!
Put him down!
512
00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:40,034
Aah!
513
00:20:40,068 --> 00:20:41,201
Ow!
514
00:20:41,236 --> 00:20:43,103
Damn!
515
00:20:43,138 --> 00:20:45,239
You got him?
Get him up!
516
00:20:45,273 --> 00:20:46,707
All right?
517
00:20:46,741 --> 00:20:48,709
[cheering]
518
00:20:48,743 --> 00:20:50,244
Ok!
519
00:20:50,278 --> 00:20:51,912
It's like
"weekend at Bernie's"
520
00:20:51,946 --> 00:20:54,214
Except you're alive
and you'd rather be dead.
521
00:20:54,249 --> 00:20:55,382
Pivot him.
522
00:20:55,416 --> 00:20:56,884
We can get him out if
we pivot him this way
523
00:20:56,918 --> 00:20:58,218
And then pivot him
that way.
524
00:20:58,253 --> 00:20:59,920
Oh, looking good,
boss!
525
00:20:59,954 --> 00:21:01,856
Captioning made possible by
mtv networks
526
00:21:05,192 --> 00:21:05,759
Garcia.
527
00:21:05,793 --> 00:21:06,826
Mornin' gang,
I'm....
528
00:21:06,860 --> 00:21:08,594
Not gonna beat
around the bush.
529
00:21:08,628 --> 00:21:09,462
I, uh...
530
00:21:09,496 --> 00:21:10,429
Won the lotto,
531
00:21:10,464 --> 00:21:11,731
And uh...
532
00:21:11,766 --> 00:21:13,732
Wanted to say that uh,
533
00:21:13,767 --> 00:21:15,001
My good friend,
Roy Becker and I
534
00:21:15,035 --> 00:21:18,237
Will be going on an
Alaskan cruise for 4 days.
535
00:21:18,272 --> 00:21:21,741
And I will be back to work
as usual on Friday morning.
536
00:21:21,775 --> 00:21:22,908
And I bought a rascal
537
00:21:22,942 --> 00:21:24,910
So my mom can buy her
groceries on her own now.
538
00:21:24,945 --> 00:21:25,745
So...
539
00:21:25,779 --> 00:21:27,079
[all]
congratulations.
540
00:21:27,114 --> 00:21:28,147
Thank you very much.
541
00:21:28,182 --> 00:21:28,948
Moving right along...
542
00:21:28,982 --> 00:21:31,284
What's today?
Today is Monday.
543
00:21:31,318 --> 00:21:33,953
Ah! Which means the new
shower policy is in effect.
544
00:21:34,003 --> 00:21:38,553
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