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1
00:00:04,904 --> 00:00:06,070
[bangs]
2
00:00:06,105 --> 00:00:07,905
James Petrie Washington,
we have a warrant for your arrest!
3
00:00:07,940 --> 00:00:09,074
Come out
with your hands up!
4
00:00:09,108 --> 00:00:11,409
Washington: Oh,
what the fuck do you want?
5
00:00:11,443 --> 00:00:12,978
Come out
with your hands up!
6
00:00:13,012 --> 00:00:14,913
We have a warrant for
your arrest!
7
00:00:14,947 --> 00:00:16,247
Open the door!
Open the door!
8
00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:18,082
Do it! Do it! Do it!
Go! Go! Go!
9
00:00:18,117 --> 00:00:20,318
Fuckers!
Huff and puff all you want!
10
00:00:26,625 --> 00:00:28,093
Can we have
our battering ram back?
11
00:00:28,127 --> 00:00:30,661
Whoa!
Oh, poop.
12
00:00:32,097 --> 00:00:35,100
[indistinct shouting]
13
00:00:40,740 --> 00:00:41,873
[shouts indistinctly]
14
00:00:41,907 --> 00:00:43,107
Oh!
15
00:00:43,141 --> 00:00:45,076
You're not allowed on that!
What? What?
16
00:00:45,110 --> 00:00:47,412
[screams]
all right.
17
00:00:47,446 --> 00:00:49,514
[grunting]
18
00:00:49,548 --> 00:00:50,448
[indistinct shouting]
19
00:00:50,482 --> 00:00:52,417
There's a tornado!
No, no!
20
00:00:54,153 --> 00:00:56,421
Women: Hell, no!
We won't blow!
21
00:00:58,056 --> 00:00:59,024
Yeah!
22
00:00:59,058 --> 00:01:01,259
No, no, no!
He's my friend!
23
00:01:03,062 --> 00:01:04,596
[grunts]
24
00:01:05,764 --> 00:01:06,898
Put it right
on the ground.
25
00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:08,066
Put it right
on the ground.
26
00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:09,400
[screams]
27
00:01:09,435 --> 00:01:12,637
Captioning made possible by
mtv networks
28
00:01:14,873 --> 00:01:19,911
Officers of the new
Iraqi police force...
29
00:01:21,614 --> 00:01:26,517
I cannot express
how proud we are
30
00:01:26,551 --> 00:01:28,719
That we shall be
training you this week.
31
00:01:28,754 --> 00:01:32,891
We understand the sacrifice
that you are making--
32
00:01:32,925 --> 00:01:35,559
Boldly putting
your lives on the line
33
00:01:35,594 --> 00:01:38,630
For a better future
for your people.
34
00:01:38,664 --> 00:01:40,632
We may look different
on the outside--
35
00:01:40,666 --> 00:01:42,467
Wait!
But on the inside--
36
00:01:42,501 --> 00:01:44,436
Wait, sorry!
We are all here...
37
00:01:44,470 --> 00:01:45,937
At the--
38
00:01:45,971 --> 00:01:47,205
Uh, sorry.
Hi.
39
00:01:47,239 --> 00:01:48,773
I'm the translator.
40
00:01:48,807 --> 00:01:52,310
I'm late. Sorry.
Um, they don't speak English.
41
00:01:52,344 --> 00:01:54,311
Oh, poop. Really?
42
00:01:54,346 --> 00:01:55,813
[both speak
in Arabic]
43
00:01:55,847 --> 00:01:57,949
Oh. I just did, like,
a whole crowd--
44
00:01:57,983 --> 00:01:59,551
Did anybody remember
what I was saying?
45
00:01:59,585 --> 00:02:01,452
[indistinct chatter]
something about peace?
46
00:02:01,486 --> 00:02:03,421
We're psyched
you're here.
47
00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:05,489
[speaks in Arabic]
48
00:02:05,524 --> 00:02:06,891
Uh, uh,
49
00:02:06,926 --> 00:02:08,993
Garcia and Johnson
are gonna teach you a bunch of cop stuff.
50
00:02:09,027 --> 00:02:10,962
[speaks in Arabic]
51
00:02:10,996 --> 00:02:12,830
You can take this
back to Iraq...
52
00:02:12,864 --> 00:02:14,299
[speaks in Arabic]
53
00:02:14,333 --> 00:02:15,867
And make it
not so horrible.
54
00:02:15,901 --> 00:02:18,369
[both speak
in Arabic]
55
00:02:18,403 --> 00:02:19,671
What's he say?
56
00:02:19,705 --> 00:02:22,440
He like your moustache.
It's straight. It's nice.
57
00:02:22,474 --> 00:02:23,508
Mmm. Nice.
58
00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:27,145
So, here's where
we start paying in sweat.
59
00:02:27,179 --> 00:02:29,347
Ok. [speaking in Arabic]
60
00:02:32,918 --> 00:02:35,119
Yella!
[indistinct shouting]
61
00:02:37,589 --> 00:02:39,891
Oh, oh, oh!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
62
00:02:39,925 --> 00:02:42,060
Put 'em down!
Put 'em on the fucking ground!
63
00:02:42,094 --> 00:02:43,962
On the ground!
Whoo! Ok.
64
00:02:43,996 --> 00:02:46,197
We should probably clear.
There's lead coming down
65
00:02:46,231 --> 00:02:47,198
At some point soon.
66
00:02:47,232 --> 00:02:49,367
Yeah?
Yeah.
67
00:02:53,705 --> 00:02:55,006
Man: Right now!
68
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:56,674
Oh!
Hold on, there!
69
00:02:56,709 --> 00:02:58,677
Hold on, hold on.
Hold on. Whoa.
70
00:02:58,711 --> 00:02:59,610
Whoa!
Calm down.
71
00:02:59,645 --> 00:03:00,779
Calm down.
Whoo!
72
00:03:00,813 --> 00:03:02,046
Calm down, sir.
Ok. All right.
73
00:03:02,081 --> 00:03:03,314
[screaming]
74
00:03:03,348 --> 00:03:04,716
Sir, what's wrong?
What seems to be the problem?
75
00:03:04,750 --> 00:03:06,817
I just--
I just need some money!
76
00:03:06,852 --> 00:03:08,886
What's with
the boxing gloves? You don't have a gun?
77
00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:10,554
No!
You're not using any weapons, sir?
78
00:03:10,589 --> 00:03:12,790
No! I don't need
some more weapons!
79
00:03:12,824 --> 00:03:14,292
These are fist bombs!
80
00:03:14,326 --> 00:03:16,727
Fist bombs
right here, baby!
81
00:03:16,762 --> 00:03:19,197
Sir, it's
a whole lot easier to hold the store up
82
00:03:19,231 --> 00:03:21,199
If you have a weapon
of some kind, maybe a firearm.
83
00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:22,767
[indistinct]
84
00:03:22,801 --> 00:03:25,202
That's wrong
with America!
85
00:03:25,237 --> 00:03:27,371
You all want
to kill people!
86
00:03:27,406 --> 00:03:31,409
I just wanted
to knock him out and take the money.
87
00:03:31,443 --> 00:03:32,743
[screaming]
88
00:03:32,777 --> 00:03:34,078
All right.
All right.
89
00:03:34,113 --> 00:03:35,813
Take this!
90
00:03:36,949 --> 00:03:38,382
Candy shock!
91
00:03:38,416 --> 00:03:40,050
Jones: Enough!
92
00:03:40,085 --> 00:03:42,253
Stop it! Calm down!
93
00:03:42,287 --> 00:03:45,256
Ok. Calm down.
94
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:47,592
Oh! Careful! Careful!
95
00:03:47,627 --> 00:03:48,493
Garcia: Hey!
96
00:03:48,527 --> 00:03:49,727
Don't get in my face.
97
00:03:49,761 --> 00:03:50,929
Don't you pull that.
98
00:03:50,963 --> 00:03:52,263
I'm not pulling anything.
He's not gonna pull it.
99
00:03:52,297 --> 00:03:53,898
Real men use
their hands.
100
00:03:53,932 --> 00:03:56,234
What?
Real men...
101
00:03:56,268 --> 00:03:59,370
Use...Their hands!
102
00:03:59,405 --> 00:04:01,272
Are you deaf?
103
00:04:01,306 --> 00:04:02,740
Give me the gloves.
Karate.
104
00:04:02,774 --> 00:04:03,742
Give my partner
the gloves.
105
00:04:03,776 --> 00:04:04,842
Oh, ok.
106
00:04:04,876 --> 00:04:06,110
I'll show you
a lesson, all right?
107
00:04:06,144 --> 00:04:07,145
Come here.
Give me the gloves.
108
00:04:07,179 --> 00:04:08,379
Let's go.
Ring the bell. Ding!
109
00:04:08,413 --> 00:04:09,880
Ding.
110
00:04:09,915 --> 00:04:11,049
Here we go.
111
00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:12,550
[grunts]
112
00:04:12,584 --> 00:04:14,552
Aah! Oh! Ok.
113
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:16,654
Put the money
in the bag.
114
00:04:16,689 --> 00:04:19,156
Give it. Give it.
Give me. Give me.
115
00:04:19,190 --> 00:04:21,459
That is awesome!
Ok.
116
00:04:23,862 --> 00:04:26,130
It's always sad
when someone dies, huh?
117
00:04:27,933 --> 00:04:31,569
This young man
was driving drunk,
118
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,404
Comma,
119
00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:36,240
Without knowing
how to do it properly. Ok?
120
00:04:36,275 --> 00:04:38,242
Let me say that again.
121
00:04:38,276 --> 00:04:41,745
This young man
was driving drunk
122
00:04:41,780 --> 00:04:43,748
Without having practiced
123
00:04:43,782 --> 00:04:46,484
So he would know
how to do it right.
124
00:04:47,486 --> 00:04:48,787
And you're not stupid,
125
00:04:48,821 --> 00:04:50,221
And I'm not gonna treat you
like you are.
126
00:04:50,256 --> 00:04:52,324
I'm gonna tell you something
that's pretty controversial.
127
00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:56,327
Some people drive better
when they're intoxicated
128
00:04:56,361 --> 00:04:58,162
Than they do
when they're sober.
129
00:04:58,196 --> 00:05:00,932
Hi. My name's
deputy Johnson.
130
00:05:00,966 --> 00:05:03,601
I'm able to do
such a thing, all right?
131
00:05:03,635 --> 00:05:04,936
Think about it.
132
00:05:04,970 --> 00:05:06,871
My day-to-day life,
133
00:05:06,905 --> 00:05:08,373
When I'm driving,
what am I doing?
134
00:05:08,407 --> 00:05:10,041
I'm playing air guitar?
135
00:05:10,075 --> 00:05:12,844
Maybe I'm trying
to wipe mustard off my pants,
136
00:05:12,878 --> 00:05:14,379
Or I'm texting somebody,
137
00:05:14,413 --> 00:05:16,614
But I'm sure as hell
not looking at the road.
138
00:05:16,648 --> 00:05:18,883
Yes, I said hell.
Live with it.
139
00:05:18,917 --> 00:05:20,751
When I am driving drunk,
140
00:05:20,785 --> 00:05:22,720
2 o'clock. 10 o'clock,
141
00:05:22,754 --> 00:05:25,657
Mirror, mirror,
every 30 seconds.
142
00:05:25,691 --> 00:05:27,492
The air conditioner's
on me,
143
00:05:27,526 --> 00:05:29,693
I've got
some speed metal on the radio,
144
00:05:29,728 --> 00:05:33,431
I'm pumped.
I'm paying attention. Believe me.
145
00:05:33,466 --> 00:05:35,233
I've been doing this
since I was 11 years old.
146
00:05:35,267 --> 00:05:36,701
I'm very good at it.
147
00:05:36,735 --> 00:05:38,636
It's like using condoms,
148
00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:40,138
Or popping
a penicillin
149
00:05:40,172 --> 00:05:43,307
Before you have
multiple encounters.
150
00:05:43,341 --> 00:05:46,644
You know? Safety.
Yeah?
151
00:05:46,678 --> 00:05:49,480
I see a lot of
pretty girls here today...
152
00:05:49,515 --> 00:05:51,482
A lot of pretty girls.
153
00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:54,385
Some of you have
definitely got careers
154
00:05:54,419 --> 00:05:57,322
In gentlemen's magazines
later on
155
00:05:57,356 --> 00:06:00,925
And adult entertaining.
All right?
156
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:05,196
I hope that
when it comes time to list your turn-offs,
157
00:06:05,230 --> 00:06:08,533
That vehicular
manslaughter...
158
00:06:08,567 --> 00:06:11,402
Will be one
of those turn-offs.
159
00:06:16,708 --> 00:06:19,944
Anything
we can do to help these poor Iraqis
160
00:06:19,978 --> 00:06:23,181
Without actually going
over there, I'm all for.
161
00:06:23,215 --> 00:06:24,282
Mm-hmm.
162
00:06:24,316 --> 00:06:27,285
I think the Iraqi cops--
I took a peek at them,
163
00:06:27,319 --> 00:06:28,886
And, uh,
hubba hubba.
164
00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:31,856
That's all I have to say.
The tall one is something.
165
00:06:31,890 --> 00:06:35,059
He's no Osama,
but he's--ow. Mm-hmm.
166
00:06:35,093 --> 00:06:39,130
Today, we begin
light calisthenics to get you in shape.
167
00:06:39,164 --> 00:06:41,065
We're gonna do
10 jumping jacks.
168
00:06:41,099 --> 00:06:44,401
On my count, I want you to
all chime in with me, OK?
169
00:06:44,436 --> 00:06:45,403
And we go.
170
00:06:45,437 --> 00:06:49,574
And one,
and 2, and 3, 4,
171
00:06:49,608 --> 00:06:54,245
5, 6, 7, 8, 9,
172
00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:55,913
And 10.
[Iraqis exclaim]
173
00:06:55,948 --> 00:06:57,481
Good job, gentlemen.
174
00:07:00,653 --> 00:07:01,519
Ma'am, calm down.
175
00:07:01,553 --> 00:07:02,487
He don't want
to go to school.
176
00:07:02,521 --> 00:07:03,587
He don't want to read.
177
00:07:03,622 --> 00:07:04,922
All right.
That's what I'm here for.
178
00:07:04,956 --> 00:07:05,957
To protect and serve,
all right?
179
00:07:05,991 --> 00:07:07,158
He's rude.
You just calm down.
180
00:07:07,192 --> 00:07:08,092
I'll take care of it.
181
00:07:08,126 --> 00:07:08,826
You stay back here
and let me take care of--
182
00:07:08,860 --> 00:07:11,596
Pepe! Pepe!
183
00:07:11,630 --> 00:07:13,997
Sheriff's department,
Pepe.
184
00:07:14,032 --> 00:07:16,500
Come on out
and go to school.
185
00:07:16,535 --> 00:07:18,803
Your mom's real upset
with you now.
186
00:07:20,305 --> 00:07:22,941
Come on out here,
you little beaner. Look.
187
00:07:22,975 --> 00:07:25,009
Taking off my badge,
Pepe.
188
00:07:25,043 --> 00:07:27,010
Now it ain't
deputy Travis Junior.
189
00:07:27,045 --> 00:07:29,714
It's just Travis Junior.
Man to mamano a mano.
190
00:07:29,748 --> 00:07:31,782
Why don't we, uh--
191
00:07:31,817 --> 00:07:33,951
Hola.
192
00:07:33,986 --> 00:07:35,119
Fuck!
193
00:07:35,153 --> 00:07:36,453
Fuck!
194
00:07:36,488 --> 00:07:38,456
[grunts]
195
00:07:38,490 --> 00:07:39,857
Hola, Holmes.
196
00:07:41,093 --> 00:07:43,661
[clatter]
197
00:07:47,332 --> 00:07:50,635
Dangle: Got ourselves
a massive narcotics seizure here.
198
00:07:50,669 --> 00:07:52,970
Got this totally
innocuous bunny hugs-a-bunch doll.
199
00:07:53,004 --> 00:07:54,305
[giggles]
200
00:07:54,339 --> 00:07:55,639
Oh, damn it. Every time
you touch them, it--
201
00:07:55,674 --> 00:07:56,807
That tickles!
202
00:07:56,841 --> 00:07:58,642
Does that.
But check it out here.
203
00:07:58,676 --> 00:08:00,544
Bunny love you!
204
00:08:00,579 --> 00:08:03,147
Aah! Kinda wish
he'd stop saying that.
205
00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:04,748
Wiegel: Yeah, makes
you feel bad.
206
00:08:04,783 --> 00:08:05,916
Look at that.
Ahh.
207
00:08:05,950 --> 00:08:08,753
I caught this one.
Look at this.
208
00:08:08,787 --> 00:08:10,755
That tickles!
209
00:08:10,789 --> 00:08:13,757
Pure Colombian yayo
inside all of them.
210
00:08:13,792 --> 00:08:14,926
[grunts]
211
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,094
Oh! I wish
there was a way--
212
00:08:17,128 --> 00:08:18,996
Maybe we should get
some earplugs or something.
213
00:08:19,030 --> 00:08:22,166
Stop it! Stop. Stop!
214
00:08:22,201 --> 00:08:23,334
Stop saying that!
215
00:08:23,368 --> 00:08:25,503
[bunny giggles]
stop it!
216
00:08:25,537 --> 00:08:27,004
That tickles.
217
00:08:27,039 --> 00:08:29,507
Here. You gotta--
you know what? Ugh!
218
00:08:29,541 --> 00:08:30,708
There we go.
219
00:08:30,742 --> 00:08:32,009
You're
bunny's sweetheart!
220
00:08:32,043 --> 00:08:32,910
Stop!
221
00:08:32,944 --> 00:08:35,046
Here, I'll get it.
I'll get it.
222
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:36,714
I got it. I got it.
Ok. No.
223
00:08:36,748 --> 00:08:37,781
Those are my balls.
224
00:08:37,816 --> 00:08:39,617
Oh.
That's my dick.
225
00:08:39,651 --> 00:08:40,952
Jesus, we got a lot
to go through here jim.
226
00:08:40,986 --> 00:08:42,320
All right. Boom.
227
00:08:42,354 --> 00:08:44,121
Why do you have
so much coke on you? What?
228
00:08:44,156 --> 00:08:45,122
What did you do?
Huh?
229
00:08:45,156 --> 00:08:46,457
What did you do?
What do I have on me?
230
00:08:46,492 --> 00:08:47,625
You have coca
all over your face.
231
00:08:47,659 --> 00:08:48,660
You have pure, uncut yayo
on your face.
232
00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:49,560
What did you do?
Where? [bunny giggles]
233
00:08:49,595 --> 00:08:51,462
On your face.
On your face. Get it off.
234
00:08:51,496 --> 00:08:54,032
That tickles!
235
00:08:54,066 --> 00:08:57,468
Yuck! [spits]
now I got bunny insides on me.
236
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,009
Howdy! I'm from
the Reno sheriff's department.
237
00:09:05,043 --> 00:09:06,077
And this is king.
238
00:09:06,111 --> 00:09:08,179
He's currently available
for adoption
239
00:09:08,213 --> 00:09:10,014
At the washoe
animal shelter.
240
00:09:10,048 --> 00:09:11,048
[indistinct]
241
00:09:11,083 --> 00:09:13,217
As you can see,
king is a friendly, spirited dog
242
00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:14,451
Who loves people.
243
00:09:14,486 --> 00:09:17,288
There are no bad dogs,
only bad owners,
244
00:09:17,322 --> 00:09:18,789
And the people
who owned king
245
00:09:18,824 --> 00:09:20,958
Were some mean
Puerto Rican bastards.
246
00:09:20,993 --> 00:09:24,295
So come on down
to the Washoe county animal shelter
247
00:09:24,329 --> 00:09:26,798
And make
a new friend for life.
248
00:09:26,832 --> 00:09:29,566
Aah! Aah!
249
00:09:32,871 --> 00:09:35,606
You know, I gotta say,
250
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:38,376
Garcia's sort of been
in charge of training these Iraqi boys,
251
00:09:38,410 --> 00:09:43,514
And Garcia could not
train a monkey to shit monkey shit.
252
00:09:43,549 --> 00:09:48,686
If he had 2 years and
a truckload of Exlax.
253
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,655
Johnson: Ok.
So we're gonna head over to the firing range.
254
00:09:50,689 --> 00:09:53,891
And this will be
your target.
255
00:09:55,226 --> 00:09:56,494
Ok, I'm just gonna--
256
00:09:56,528 --> 00:09:59,496
I'm gonna get
the black guy with the switchblade.
257
00:10:00,432 --> 00:10:01,933
Garcia: And what
we need to do, uh,
258
00:10:01,967 --> 00:10:03,200
When we're
properly trained is
259
00:10:03,235 --> 00:10:04,935
We need to know
how to field strip these weapons.
260
00:10:04,970 --> 00:10:06,270
So what I'm gonna do is
demonstrate to you--
261
00:10:06,304 --> 00:10:08,873
I'm gonna go ahead
and put this gun back together.
262
00:10:08,907 --> 00:10:09,807
It's been
field stripped.
263
00:10:09,842 --> 00:10:11,975
I'm gonna put it
back together blindfolded.
264
00:10:12,010 --> 00:10:14,044
With proper training,
you'll all be able to assemble this gun
265
00:10:14,079 --> 00:10:15,379
Blindfolded,
in under 30 seconds.
266
00:10:15,413 --> 00:10:16,614
[Iraqis speaking in Arabic]
267
00:10:16,648 --> 00:10:18,282
What I'll do is, um--
268
00:10:18,317 --> 00:10:20,418
I'm gonna need
someone to time me.
269
00:10:22,888 --> 00:10:24,021
Go.
Go.
270
00:10:24,056 --> 00:10:26,257
[rattling]
271
00:10:32,330 --> 00:10:33,865
All right.
272
00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:36,200
Go ahead
and get in closer
273
00:10:36,234 --> 00:10:38,068
If you need
to see better, gentlemen.
274
00:10:42,774 --> 00:10:43,874
Man: This is where it is.
I'm sure it is.
275
00:10:43,909 --> 00:10:45,676
Oh of course
you would know, with all your DUI'ss.
276
00:10:45,710 --> 00:10:47,912
I had a couple of
peach schnapps with dinner. Don't--not now.
277
00:10:47,946 --> 00:10:49,580
Our daughter
has been kidnapped.
278
00:10:49,614 --> 00:10:50,381
Our daughter
has been kidnapped!
279
00:10:50,416 --> 00:10:51,816
You gotta help us.
Oh, OK!
280
00:10:51,850 --> 00:10:54,384
She's got, um,
big, big gold--
281
00:10:54,419 --> 00:10:55,820
Hoop earrings.
Gold hoops.
282
00:10:55,854 --> 00:10:57,555
She's wearing
a dashiki.
283
00:10:57,589 --> 00:10:59,390
Very long
nail extensions.
284
00:10:59,424 --> 00:11:01,225
Extremely long,
with little crystals.
285
00:11:01,260 --> 00:11:03,327
Yeah. We put
little crystals and stars.
286
00:11:03,362 --> 00:11:04,395
What's her name?
287
00:11:04,429 --> 00:11:06,063
Her name is beyonc?...
288
00:11:06,097 --> 00:11:07,965
Shabazz...
Wayans.
289
00:11:09,301 --> 00:11:11,068
There's 3.
It's a middle name.
290
00:11:11,103 --> 00:11:13,170
Is that--is that
her real name?
291
00:11:13,204 --> 00:11:14,305
That's her professional--
292
00:11:14,339 --> 00:11:15,239
That's
her professional name.
293
00:11:15,273 --> 00:11:16,874
She would answer
to beyonc? or b.B.
294
00:11:16,908 --> 00:11:18,075
She would answer
to beyonc??
295
00:11:18,110 --> 00:11:19,743
Or beyonca--
shaba--shabazz.
296
00:11:19,778 --> 00:11:20,711
2 zs.
297
00:11:20,745 --> 00:11:21,712
Shabazz beyonc?--
she has 2 zs.
298
00:11:21,747 --> 00:11:23,280
I'm sorry--
she was at the pageant.
299
00:11:23,315 --> 00:11:25,382
The only pageant
300
00:11:25,417 --> 00:11:27,985
That's going on
in town today is little miss nubian.
301
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:29,454
Yeah. That's right.
That's correct.
302
00:11:29,488 --> 00:11:30,721
I know that because
my daughter won it,
303
00:11:30,756 --> 00:11:32,256
Like,
2 years ago, but--
304
00:11:32,290 --> 00:11:34,491
Yeah. Who's
your daughter?
305
00:11:34,526 --> 00:11:35,859
Danielle?
306
00:11:35,894 --> 00:11:37,494
Oh! I am such a fan!
307
00:11:37,528 --> 00:11:39,096
Oh, danielle
is so gifted.
308
00:11:39,130 --> 00:11:40,665
She's a sexy girl.
309
00:11:40,699 --> 00:11:42,333
Very sexy young lady.
Very sexy girl.
310
00:11:42,367 --> 00:11:44,368
Ok. Your baby is in
little miss nubian?
311
00:11:44,403 --> 00:11:46,103
She's like a little
Gabrielle Union, that one.
312
00:11:46,138 --> 00:11:47,371
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, delicious.
313
00:11:47,405 --> 00:11:49,373
That's what I said.
I said, love that.
314
00:11:49,408 --> 00:11:51,275
You guys are--
you're caucasian.
315
00:11:51,309 --> 00:11:53,244
You're--that's--
316
00:11:53,278 --> 00:11:54,612
Uh, beyonc?--
317
00:11:54,646 --> 00:11:55,746
Little miss nubian
is a--
318
00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:56,881
Beyonc? is wearing
a little bit of makeup.
319
00:11:56,915 --> 00:11:58,182
She's got makeup on.
A little bit of makeup.
320
00:11:58,216 --> 00:11:59,516
I said, bring home
from the computer store--
321
00:11:59,550 --> 00:12:00,618
He works in
a computer store.
322
00:12:00,652 --> 00:12:01,852
Doesn't know much
about the biz.
323
00:12:01,886 --> 00:12:03,520
But we put
some toner on her face.
324
00:12:03,554 --> 00:12:04,689
Toner dust.
325
00:12:04,723 --> 00:12:06,023
Except for her lips,
which we made white.
326
00:12:06,057 --> 00:12:09,126
Like a--like a--
like a--like a big lip.
327
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,295
We really--
this pageant was a biggie.
328
00:12:11,329 --> 00:12:13,631
Let me tell you--
she had the talent competition cornered.
329
00:12:13,665 --> 00:12:15,299
She was gonna sing
old man river
330
00:12:15,333 --> 00:12:17,635
And then dedicate it
to the Katrina victims.
331
00:12:17,669 --> 00:12:18,635
[sighs]
332
00:12:18,670 --> 00:12:20,304
From showboat.
333
00:12:24,209 --> 00:12:25,742
Dump that one.
Dump it. [bunny toy giggles]
334
00:12:25,777 --> 00:12:27,411
Oh, boy!
Ahh! Shit.
335
00:12:27,446 --> 00:12:28,579
Shit.
Uh-oh.
336
00:12:28,613 --> 00:12:30,080
Uh--
shit. Shit.
337
00:12:30,115 --> 00:12:31,582
Hang on.
338
00:12:32,484 --> 00:12:34,585
Hey!
339
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:36,086
[sniffs]
340
00:12:36,121 --> 00:12:37,588
Ahh. Ok.
Oh.
341
00:12:37,622 --> 00:12:39,089
Oh, shit.
Dump it. Dump it. Dump it.
342
00:12:39,123 --> 00:12:40,757
[sniffs]
ah! Ah!
343
00:12:40,792 --> 00:12:42,726
[sniffs]
ah! Ok.
344
00:12:42,761 --> 00:12:45,396
I think we have
a couple of grosses to go.
345
00:12:45,430 --> 00:12:48,933
But weirdly,
I feel more awake now than I did before.
346
00:12:48,967 --> 00:12:50,234
I'm ready to go!
I'm good to go.
347
00:12:50,268 --> 00:12:51,402
I feel more awake now
than I did before.
348
00:12:51,436 --> 00:12:53,404
I feel more awake--
??? than I did before ???
349
00:12:53,438 --> 00:12:55,239
Go team, go!
Did we get this guy?
350
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:56,741
??? go ???
bunny: Oh, boy!
351
00:12:56,775 --> 00:12:58,743
??? go team! ???
352
00:12:58,777 --> 00:13:00,111
Think fast.
What?
353
00:13:00,145 --> 00:13:01,745
Ahh! Oh, my god!
354
00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:04,215
[sniffing]
aah! Aah!
355
00:13:04,249 --> 00:13:06,050
[indistinct]
hold on. Hold on.
356
00:13:06,084 --> 00:13:07,351
The only way
to get it off is to lick it.
357
00:13:07,385 --> 00:13:09,353
You have some.
Ok. Ok.
358
00:13:09,387 --> 00:13:11,188
Mmm. Mmm.
359
00:13:11,222 --> 00:13:12,522
Oh, my gums are
so numb.
360
00:13:12,557 --> 00:13:14,725
[both grunting]
361
00:13:14,759 --> 00:13:15,892
Oh, man.
Oh!
362
00:13:15,927 --> 00:13:17,228
[indistinct]
363
00:13:17,262 --> 00:13:18,395
Shove him in
the eyeballs.
364
00:13:18,430 --> 00:13:20,431
Unh! Shut up!
Shut up! Aah!
365
00:13:20,465 --> 00:13:22,233
Stop! Stop! Shut up!
366
00:13:22,267 --> 00:13:23,233
Shut up!
[indistinct]
367
00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:24,402
[indistinct]
368
00:13:24,436 --> 00:13:25,736
You fucked with the
wrong person
369
00:13:25,770 --> 00:13:27,337
You mother fucker!
370
00:13:27,372 --> 00:13:28,939
Bunny: Wow,
that tickles!
371
00:13:28,973 --> 00:13:30,774
Get it off. Get it off.
Get it off. Get it off. Get it off. Get it off.
372
00:13:30,808 --> 00:13:32,476
Get it off. Get it off.
Get it off. Get it off.
373
00:13:32,511 --> 00:13:33,711
Get it off. Get it off.
Get it off. Get it off.
374
00:13:33,745 --> 00:13:34,978
It's everywhere.
Get it off. Get it off.
375
00:13:35,013 --> 00:13:36,313
[sighs]
376
00:13:36,347 --> 00:13:37,481
[panting and
indistinct chatter]
377
00:13:37,516 --> 00:13:39,316
Bunny wants you
to play!
378
00:13:39,351 --> 00:13:40,317
Stop--stop saying that!
379
00:13:40,351 --> 00:13:41,252
Are you talking
to him?
380
00:13:41,286 --> 00:13:42,319
No, I'm talking to you.
381
00:13:42,353 --> 00:13:43,421
Should I stop?
No.
382
00:13:43,455 --> 00:13:45,323
Him?
I'm talking to you. Stop talking.
383
00:13:45,357 --> 00:13:46,590
Me?
Yeah.
384
00:13:46,625 --> 00:13:47,825
No, I'm talking to him.
385
00:13:47,859 --> 00:13:49,426
Oh, shit,
I thought I was talking--
386
00:13:49,460 --> 00:13:50,828
Bunny wants
you to play. Who's talking?
387
00:13:50,863 --> 00:13:52,062
Oh, god. I forgot
who I was talking to for a second.
388
00:13:52,097 --> 00:13:53,330
It's ok.
389
00:13:53,364 --> 00:13:54,598
Forgot who I was talking
to for a second.
390
00:13:54,633 --> 00:13:55,833
It's gonna be ok.
391
00:13:55,867 --> 00:13:57,000
What the fuck
was that?
392
00:13:57,035 --> 00:13:58,935
Hold up. Hold up.
Just breathe.
393
00:13:58,970 --> 00:14:00,637
Oh, I'm having
a heart attack.
394
00:14:08,546 --> 00:14:12,216
Now, ma'am,
this burglary happened pretty recently, right?
395
00:14:12,250 --> 00:14:13,383
Yeah.
Within a few hours.
396
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:14,919
Yeah, just a couple
of hours ago.
397
00:14:14,953 --> 00:14:17,421
Now, can you describe
the items he took from the premises?
398
00:14:17,455 --> 00:14:19,423
Yeah. Ok.
My king kong dildo.
399
00:14:19,457 --> 00:14:20,524
King kong dildo.
400
00:14:20,558 --> 00:14:22,493
Yes, and it's real specific
because I had to order it.
401
00:14:22,527 --> 00:14:24,461
Did he harm you
physically in any way?
402
00:14:24,495 --> 00:14:25,963
Was it just a simple--
yeah!
403
00:14:25,997 --> 00:14:27,231
All right. Well,
404
00:14:27,265 --> 00:14:28,966
Why don't you
describe to me exactly what happened?
405
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,133
All right.
Right hand like this.
406
00:14:30,168 --> 00:14:31,302
Ok. Then what
did he do next?
407
00:14:31,336 --> 00:14:33,304
And then, he was gonna
try to lift me,
408
00:14:33,338 --> 00:14:34,972
And then
he put his hand around my waist like that.
409
00:14:35,006 --> 00:14:35,972
All right.
410
00:14:36,007 --> 00:14:37,308
And then I was gonna try
to buck him,
411
00:14:37,342 --> 00:14:38,642
But he bucked me first.
He was like--[grunts]
412
00:14:38,677 --> 00:14:40,144
Oh! Whoa! All right!
Like, he was bucking me.
413
00:14:40,178 --> 00:14:41,478
And then what happened?
414
00:14:41,512 --> 00:14:42,980
And I kept trying
to buck back, but he kept bucking me.
415
00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:44,148
So he was, like,
going like that?
416
00:14:44,182 --> 00:14:45,515
Yeah, and I was, like,
going like that.
417
00:14:45,550 --> 00:14:46,850
All right.
And he flung me around--
418
00:14:46,884 --> 00:14:47,852
Whoa!
Pushed me back like tha.
419
00:14:47,886 --> 00:14:48,852
Oh, all right.
[indistinct]
420
00:14:48,886 --> 00:14:50,187
Ok. All right.
All right.
421
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:51,522
So he, like,
had me pinned.
422
00:14:51,556 --> 00:14:53,190
Ok. All right.
So he had you pinned.
423
00:14:53,224 --> 00:14:54,691
Now, did he have you
by the wrists,
424
00:14:54,726 --> 00:14:56,359
Or were your arms free,
like mine are right now?
425
00:14:56,394 --> 00:14:58,195
Oh, he had me
by the wrists. Ok.
426
00:14:58,229 --> 00:15:00,931
Now, did you try at all,
like, wriggle or writhe?
427
00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:03,034
No, 'cause--
you know, do like that?
428
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:05,069
No, 'cause
what he did was, he pinned me harder, like--
429
00:15:05,103 --> 00:15:06,236
Oh, my--all right.
430
00:15:06,271 --> 00:15:08,572
And when he did,
I know he came down on me.
431
00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:10,174
All right. Ok.
He came down.
432
00:15:10,208 --> 00:15:12,576
Oh, my god.
And that's when--
433
00:15:12,610 --> 00:15:13,844
You say--
434
00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:15,946
He probably said
you're a little pig.
435
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:20,017
You're a little pig.
You're a little whiny pig.
436
00:15:20,052 --> 00:15:22,553
Why would he say that?
437
00:15:25,790 --> 00:15:26,924
Ha ha! Good job!
[laughs]
438
00:15:26,958 --> 00:15:28,091
Good job.
439
00:15:28,126 --> 00:15:29,927
Good job.
Last one! Ha ha!
440
00:15:29,961 --> 00:15:31,261
Yeah!
[bunny giggling]
441
00:15:31,295 --> 00:15:32,930
Nice. Reno S.D.
442
00:15:32,965 --> 00:15:33,931
Bunny: That tickles!
443
00:15:33,965 --> 00:15:35,432
Getting it done!
Getting the job done!
444
00:15:35,466 --> 00:15:37,267
Whoo! Ha!
445
00:15:37,302 --> 00:15:38,269
Good job. Good work.
446
00:15:38,303 --> 00:15:39,603
Excellent. Very good.
447
00:15:39,637 --> 00:15:40,971
Afternoon, folks.
448
00:15:41,005 --> 00:15:41,972
Penrose. D.E.A.
449
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:43,440
[bunny laughs]
that tickles!
450
00:15:43,475 --> 00:15:45,776
I'm here to pick up
200 keys of coke.
451
00:15:45,810 --> 00:15:47,344
Play. Tee hee hee.
452
00:15:47,379 --> 00:15:49,613
You're bunny's
sweetheart!
453
00:15:49,648 --> 00:15:52,215
??? a, b, c, d, e, f, g ???
454
00:15:52,250 --> 00:15:53,417
??? h, I, j, k, l, m, n, o, p ???
455
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:54,585
[flushes]
456
00:15:54,619 --> 00:15:56,921
??? q, r, s, t, u, v-- ???
457
00:15:56,955 --> 00:15:58,489
[clangs]
458
00:16:11,302 --> 00:16:15,773
I have never
been prouder than to be an ambassador
459
00:16:15,807 --> 00:16:21,278
To these brave
Iraqi law enforcement professionals.
460
00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:24,281
It is a great honor
that has been bestowed upon us.
461
00:16:24,315 --> 00:16:28,118
I hope that we are
imparting some of our knowledge to them.
462
00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:30,421
And in turn we are--
some of their culture
463
00:16:30,455 --> 00:16:32,757
Is being imparted to us.
464
00:16:32,791 --> 00:16:36,260
But they smell
like goats
465
00:16:36,294 --> 00:16:39,663
That were raised
in a fart.
466
00:16:39,698 --> 00:16:43,334
Tonight is showtime.
And tonight, we go live.
467
00:16:43,368 --> 00:16:47,171
Tonight, we face
the blue-eyed devil face to face.
468
00:16:47,205 --> 00:16:49,673
And that blue-eyed devil
is crystal meth.
469
00:16:49,707 --> 00:16:53,010
God and allah
on our side tonight!
470
00:16:53,044 --> 00:16:56,013
Tonight,
we take no prisoners and we kick some ass!
471
00:16:56,047 --> 00:16:57,948
[speaking in Arabic]
472
00:16:57,983 --> 00:16:59,516
Right. You're doing
a kick-ass job.
473
00:16:59,550 --> 00:17:02,019
We're so glad you're here
for this week with us.
474
00:17:02,053 --> 00:17:04,155
You can't cut
off people's hands, but you guys are awesome.
475
00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:05,589
That's right.
476
00:17:05,623 --> 00:17:07,424
This is a chant
we say in Iraq
477
00:17:07,459 --> 00:17:08,759
Before we go
to the force.
478
00:17:08,793 --> 00:17:10,995
Ok.
[chanting in Arabic]
479
00:17:21,105 --> 00:17:23,306
[all screaming
and whooping]
480
00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:26,577
[all chanting
in Arabic]
481
00:17:29,981 --> 00:17:32,183
[garcia chanting
in Arabic]
482
00:17:37,255 --> 00:17:39,123
[dog barks]
483
00:17:55,707 --> 00:17:56,840
Hey, terry.
484
00:17:56,874 --> 00:17:58,608
Man: Hi.
485
00:17:58,643 --> 00:18:00,710
How's it going?
486
00:18:00,745 --> 00:18:02,279
Good. I have
to go tinkle.
487
00:18:02,313 --> 00:18:03,380
Give me hug.
488
00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:04,548
Hi.
[grunts]
489
00:18:04,582 --> 00:18:05,849
God, I missed you!
490
00:18:05,883 --> 00:18:06,850
How are you?
491
00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:08,485
Good. You want to go tinkle,
and then we'll talk?
492
00:18:08,519 --> 00:18:09,886
No, I'll tinkle later.
493
00:18:09,921 --> 00:18:11,688
Ok. Looks like you did
a little bit here.
494
00:18:11,723 --> 00:18:12,823
I dribbled
a little bit.
495
00:18:12,857 --> 00:18:14,824
I haven't seen you,
I feel like, in so long.
496
00:18:14,859 --> 00:18:16,060
I've been super busy.
497
00:18:16,094 --> 00:18:17,728
This is amazing.
Did you do this?
498
00:18:17,762 --> 00:18:19,162
Oh, bless you.
Yeah, I did.
499
00:18:19,197 --> 00:18:21,331
Did you? You have
a bedazzler now?
500
00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:23,600
I have a be--
a re-predazzler.
501
00:18:23,635 --> 00:18:24,901
What's a re-predazzler?
502
00:18:24,936 --> 00:18:27,004
It bedazzles stuff
that's already been dazzled
503
00:18:27,038 --> 00:18:28,672
And then dazzled again.
504
00:18:28,706 --> 00:18:30,106
God, you are a genius.
505
00:18:30,141 --> 00:18:31,642
That's what they say.
506
00:18:31,676 --> 00:18:33,310
Oh, you know what?
I just remembered.
507
00:18:33,345 --> 00:18:35,146
Ah, it is so good
I ran into you tonight.
508
00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:36,513
What?
509
00:18:36,548 --> 00:18:38,115
Um, that woman
whose mailbox you just jizzed in?
510
00:18:38,149 --> 00:18:39,249
Yes.
Yeah.
511
00:18:39,283 --> 00:18:40,651
She wants you taken in,
so I have to take you to jail.
512
00:18:40,685 --> 00:18:41,551
She was mad
about that?
513
00:18:41,586 --> 00:18:42,853
Yeah, she was.
Ok, that's fine.
514
00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:44,588
So you're gonna come with me.
Let's go to jail.
515
00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:46,857
??? weiner party
in my mouth ???
516
00:18:46,891 --> 00:18:48,692
??? everyone's invited! ???
517
00:18:56,367 --> 00:18:59,436
You know,
it's great that these...
518
00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:01,438
Brave Iraqi policemen
519
00:19:01,472 --> 00:19:04,107
Are over here trying
to better themselves,
520
00:19:04,142 --> 00:19:07,177
Learning
some of our tactics and techniques.
521
00:19:07,211 --> 00:19:08,512
And I would love
to think that
522
00:19:08,546 --> 00:19:11,949
They're gonna take
those skills back to the middle east,
523
00:19:11,983 --> 00:19:15,051
And they will pave
the way to a brighter future
524
00:19:15,086 --> 00:19:17,020
In that part
of the world. But let's face it--
525
00:19:17,055 --> 00:19:18,221
That's a bunch
of bull shit.
526
00:19:18,256 --> 00:19:19,823
No. They don't even--
that place is fucked.
527
00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:21,292
They can't even
afford concrete.
528
00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:24,461
That is the fucking
crotch of the earth over there. Oh, my god.
529
00:19:24,495 --> 00:19:27,464
The fucking--
you are underneath the nut sack
530
00:19:27,498 --> 00:19:30,300
Of the fucking devil
over there.
531
00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:32,636
I wouldn't--
I wouldn't go to the middle east--
532
00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:36,006
Now, people are going
to take this out of context...
533
00:19:36,041 --> 00:19:39,510
When I say...
534
00:19:39,544 --> 00:19:43,847
The earth should open up
and suck that part of the world back in,
535
00:19:43,881 --> 00:19:46,750
Take it back in
in one giant sinkhole.
536
00:19:48,586 --> 00:19:50,287
They eat sand.
537
00:19:50,321 --> 00:19:53,290
Dangle: The Iraqis
left us this package.
538
00:19:53,325 --> 00:19:55,959
[ticking]
539
00:19:55,994 --> 00:19:57,294
Probably
something nice.
540
00:19:57,328 --> 00:19:58,629
Yeah.
541
00:19:58,663 --> 00:20:00,297
[ticking]
542
00:20:00,332 --> 00:20:01,632
[indistinct]
it does.
543
00:20:01,666 --> 00:20:03,901
Cuckoo clock
or something.
544
00:20:09,741 --> 00:20:10,874
Maybe we should just
dunk it in the water.
545
00:20:10,908 --> 00:20:12,208
Maybe we should dunk it
in the water.
546
00:20:12,243 --> 00:20:13,910
[all talking at once]
547
00:20:18,516 --> 00:20:20,317
Dangle: All right?
548
00:20:24,789 --> 00:20:26,657
[splashes]
549
00:20:32,364 --> 00:20:34,197
[Johnson yelps]
550
00:20:34,231 --> 00:20:36,199
[all exclaim]
551
00:20:36,233 --> 00:20:37,367
Wiegel: Cigars!
552
00:20:37,402 --> 00:20:38,535
Williams:
We ruined them.
553
00:20:38,569 --> 00:20:39,703
[all scream]
554
00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:42,706
Kimball: Oh!
555
00:20:42,740 --> 00:20:44,074
Dangle:
Oh, Bin Laden.
556
00:20:44,108 --> 00:20:45,675
Kimball:
That's good. [laughter]
557
00:20:45,709 --> 00:20:47,111
Shit!
That was good.
558
00:20:47,145 --> 00:20:49,346
That's great.
You got us, Bin Laden!
559
00:20:49,380 --> 00:20:51,347
You got us good,
Bin Laden.
560
00:20:51,382 --> 00:20:52,516
First one. Oh!
561
00:20:52,550 --> 00:20:53,850
That's good.
Ok, that's pretty good.
562
00:20:53,885 --> 00:20:55,118
We should send this
to somebody.
563
00:20:55,152 --> 00:20:56,287
Let's take it
to the fire department.
564
00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:57,521
Let's head to
the fire department!
565
00:20:57,555 --> 00:20:58,688
[cheering]
566
00:20:58,722 --> 00:21:00,124
Ha ha!
Fuck those guys.
567
00:21:00,158 --> 00:21:01,592
Captioning made possible
by mtv networks
568
00:21:01,626 --> 00:21:02,893
Captioned by the national
captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--
569
00:21:02,927 --> 00:21:04,027
What does it mean
when your arm's going numb?
570
00:21:04,061 --> 00:21:06,563
It's good stuff?
[smacking]
571
00:21:06,597 --> 00:21:07,764
It's good stuff.
572
00:21:07,798 --> 00:21:09,099
Well, that hadn't
been stepped on at all.
573
00:21:09,134 --> 00:21:10,500
Wow. They're not fucking
around, those Colombians.
574
00:21:10,535 --> 00:21:11,835
Man.
Mmm.
575
00:21:11,869 --> 00:21:13,002
I had
a fucking good day.
576
00:21:13,037 --> 00:21:14,371
Hadn't been stepped on
at all.
577
00:21:14,405 --> 00:21:15,872
Man, you can tell sometimes
they got stepped on.
578
00:21:15,907 --> 00:21:17,207
Yeah, you know what?
This is not cut with anything.
579
00:21:17,241 --> 00:21:20,043
It's cut clean.
It's a real clean, clean cut.
580
00:21:20,078 --> 00:21:21,111
A lot of times,
the thing is--
581
00:21:21,145 --> 00:21:22,279
No, they'll cut it
with something.
582
00:21:22,313 --> 00:21:23,447
They'll cut it
with rat poison--
583
00:21:23,481 --> 00:21:24,681
They'll cut it
with Clorox--
584
00:21:24,715 --> 00:21:25,883
Or kind of a bleach.
585
00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:27,017
Even laundry detergent,
but this stuff is actually--
586
00:21:27,051 --> 00:21:29,486
It's just a pure--
it's totally pure.
587
00:21:29,521 --> 00:21:30,553
Let's make sure
it carefully--
588
00:21:30,588 --> 00:21:32,789
This is
a long fucking day.
589
00:21:32,839 --> 00:21:37,389
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