All language subtitles for Reno 911 s05e09 Thrower.eng

All right.
Very good.

Now turn around
for me.

You may or may not know
that the prostitution

In this part of Nevada
is completely legal.

Brothels are regulated
by the state.

The municipal government
makes sure

That they're inspected
for quality and hygiene.

Deep breath for me.
Very good.

Need you to bend over
and touch your toes for me.

I'm not the one who
does the inspection,

But these girls
don't know that.

All right.
That checks out pretty good.

Freeze!
Get on the ground!

[gunshot]

[machine-gun fire]

All right.

The tornado...

Hell, no!
We won't blow!

Yeah!

He's my friend.

Nah!

Captioning made possible by
mtv networks

Captioned by the national
captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

Dangle:
Good morning, gang.

Morning.
Morning. Morning.

The new terrorism
early warning

Did everybody
get one of these? [popping]

Question.
Sir.

When we're
on orange-- a little louder.

When we're on orange,

We're supposed to be
alert and vigilant.

Does that mean that
when we're yellow,

We're not supposed
to be alert at all?

Orange?
What did he say?

He said, when we're
at homeland security level orange--

Wiegel: We're at homeland
security level orange right now?

No. We're not.
We're not. [popping]

Other things
you should be looking for

Are fraud,
counterfeiting, internet scams.

A lot
of this money-- [popping]

Ok. You know what?
I've had it. That's it.

The popcorn machine
was a terrible idea.

I wish we'd
never gotten it.

Have you tried
the popcorn?

I have not tried
the popcorn.

I'm not gonna
try the popcorn.

Johnson: We're listening.
There's frogs, and there's oranges.

Then no one
is listening.

By the way,
Jackie Dimartino,

The prostitute who used
to work fourth street--

Did you hear?

Jones: No.
What happened?

Hospitalized
in critical

Fading fast.
Sir?

We're almost
out of popcorn.

I'm really, really
seriously considering

Banning the popcorn
machine from the briefing room.

If you take
this popcorn machine away from here...

Huh? What
will you do?

I'll be forced
to do things. Like what?

This is the one joy
I have around here.

Garcia: Amen.

Found some more
popcorn.

[all cheering]

I figure, if they
call it super man xl,

That's gonna make
you some xl, right?

This shit, it's like,
I don't know what it is.

It doesn't
do shit.

Oh...What the fuck?

Pat me down right now,
for real.

Pat me down right now.
No. For real, do this, man.

What?
Pat me down.

You got to do it, man.

There's something
about this I don't like.

Sir, step away
from the car. Ok. Step--

No, no, no.
Put your hands down.

Ok. I'm gonna
take my hands out of my pockets right--

Real, real,
real, slow!

Ok. Real slow,
all right? Ok?

Y'all understand?
Ok. Now look here.

Now, I wanted to ask you both
a question, all right,

About the contents
of my pockets, ok?

Our first question
was gonna be,

Do you have any illicit
substances on you, so--

All of a sudden,
this is like "jeopardy,"

Where the question
gets put to us and then we have--

What the hell?
Set those down.

Put these down.
Just set them on down.

Should I put my hands
back in my pocket?

No. This time now,
let's keep them up at our sides.

Ok. Let me just set up
a scenario for y'all, ok?

Like a scene,
a setting, an example.

He's gonna
tell us something. Yes.

A gentleman was careening
down the street, ok, and bumped into me.

Moving very quickly.
Now listen ,man.

I don't know if y'all
believe in god,

But I believe
in god, ok,

And I'm gonna tell you
what happened.

Every one of them bottles
have float up into the air,

And they have float
into my pockets,

And that was god knowing
I was feeling a little down,

A little blue
last week, ok?

And he provided you
with 5 Oxycontin bottles.

So, the lord...
Provided for me.

Hey, you want
to throw those out for me?

Ok. Yeah.

Yeah.
That'd be great.

That'd be great.
Thanks.

I'll take
a half, too.

Oh, you want half?

Oh, you took
a whole one?

How much you
supposed to take?

Half.
Oh.

I'll drive. I'll drive.

I'd be more
than happy to drive.

You're good.
You're good.

Dangle: Polygraph day!

[all cheer]

Garcia: I have a question
in response to a rumor.

Is it true that
you're strong enough

To peel fruit
with your private parts?

Yes.

Williams:
How do you do that?

I'm confused
and aroused and--

And yet you're working
in law enforcement. I don't get it.

There are exercises
a woman can do.

Are there workout tapes
for those exercises?

Not that I know of.

Shit.

That's not true.
That's not true.

There are.
It's called kegels.

Kegel won't
peel a kiwi.

It's not a kegel.

It's like a variation
on a kegel. It's not a kegel.

It's
a back-door kegel? Back-door kegels?

That's not
what it's called.

Well, what is it?

Which door are
we talking about?

Yeah. Which door are
we talking about?

What part of the
door do you use to--

What part of the
fruit do you use?

The inner door.

I don't think there's
even a kitchen appliance that peels a kiwi.

Ok. Turn it off.
Go get a kiwi.

[siren]

[knocks]

Hello?

Jackie:
Hey, guys.

How are you,
sweetheart?

Oh, just,
you know.

I can't
really remember why I'm in here.

Did I just have
a baby?

No...You didn't.
I don't think so, Jackie.

Oh, that's right.
I'm dying from lupus.

That's right.

I am so glad
you guys came.

We are very happy
that we came, too.

You know what?

I'm gonna call
in an apb on account of this.

You know what?
You can.

All cars!
Calling all fucking cars.

This is Jackie, and
I'm gonna be dead

In about 45 minutes,

And if you want
to come over here

And get your dick
sucked for a nickel,

Hell,
I'll do it.

Oh, I'm gonna
miss these lips when I'm in hell.

No. You're going
the other way.

You are.
You are.

The lord loves you...

Yes. He does.

And your scabs
will be gone...

Oh, there are no
scabs in heaven.

Jesus doesn't
even let you have scabs there.

Your crotch
is gonna be all clean.

My crotch will be
healed by the lord.

Yes. It will.

It will be, hopefully,
healed closed

So I don't have
to have

Any more fucking
abortions

Because they
cost a fortune.

Yeah.

Junior: Room 234! Hey!
I heard that they were--

Jones: Hey.

Oh, this Jackie.

Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

You want to get
your dick sucked?

Don't act like
I haven't been there before.

Arr arr arr arr arr!

Hi.

I'm from the Reno
sheriff's department.

Our friends at the Washoe
county animal shelter

Have lots of pets that are ready
and available for adoption.

Ah.

This here is sarsaparilla,

And she's a 3-year-old tabby

With lots of love
and tons of energy.

Is this--
man: Cat is in the box.

That's sarsaparilla?

What the fuck?
What's with the rat?

They're all over
the place.

I just picked up a rat?

Oh, fuck! Aw! Ew! Ew! Ew!

Dangle: Uh...What
do you consider

Your job skills
to be?

[sighs]

Skating...
Yep.

That's good.

High-fiving...

Skating
and high-fiving.

Low-fiving...

Low five,
the antithesis of high five,

And?
And singing.

Singing.

So, terry,
what you're basically saying

Is, you could be in
"Starlight Express"

If they ever, ever
are bold enough to mount it again.

Yes.
Yes.

Possible
"Starlight Express" understudy.

You're
off drugs now?

You're
totally clean?

I'm so clean, it's not
even ridiculous.

Not even ridiculous.
Not even ridiculous.

Here's the thing.

I find that
eerily a little bit disappointing

Because if you're
not on drugs--

If this is you
totally, totally clean--

And you've missed
19 parole hearings

And you're working
at who let the clogs out?,

That's kind of
disappointing, don't you think?

First of all,
I was voted the smartest at my family reunion,

Like, hands down.

By the rest
of your family?

You can't put up two fingers
for the same thing.

You can't say you're smartest
at your family reunion, hands down.

That's one thing.
That's one thing.

I was voted smartest
in my family reunion,

That's one.
Hands down.

No. That's part
of the same sentence.

You're saying two
parts of the same sentence--

Part one
of the sentence,

End of the sentence.

Those aren't
two things.

Is it time
for my enema?

Not quite.
Ok.

You got some guests here,
if you're feeling up to it.

Oh, hi!

Hey, jackie.

Look who the cat
has been to.

They've got me on
so much fucking morphine here.

Junior: There's
oxygen in the--

Yeah. I don't think
that's a good--

Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey! Oh, ok.

Oh, because why,
on account of the lung cancer?

If it's not the AIDS
that's gonna get me,

It's the lung cancer.

That's what they say.

I don't think I'm long
for this world.

Does she do
this a lot?

Only in
the mornings,

But I think
she's fine.

She's just
calming down.

I don't think
this is calming down.

I think this is it.
I think I've had it.

I'd like to say thank you
to everyone for coming.

Off the record,
obviously. Yes. Of course.

Jackie: I would like to thank
Will Ferrell, for some reason.

If you were to leave,
what button...

If somebody
were to come in here

And turn that machine off,
what button would they push?

...Hitler's youth,
the youth that...

Listen. She's thanking
the Hitler youth

Right.
Good point.

Hamster dances...

Her last words
were "hamster dances."

[sighs]

Man, if you wiped away
this makeup,

She's a lot younger
than she looks

With the weird,
kind of bloody, pusy eye patch on.

She's so beautiful
and so young.

It really is
a tragedy.

Yeah.
What a tragedy.

[hisses]
aah! Aah!

You unplugged the wrong cord,
you mother fucker.

Ha ha ha!

Junior: Hi.
How you doing?

You're
in our custody.

You're
in our custody.

The Reno sheriff's
department has become

A safe baby
surrender site,

Which means that you can
drop off your baby here,

No questions asked,
and it will safely be taken

Into the custody
of the state,

Handed over
to child services.

Anybody know how
to get him out of this thing

If he has to make
a deuce or something?

Does he have to?
Seems fine to me.

I mean, he doesn't
have to actually leave.

I mean,
he'd just do it.

He's all
in there.

Hey.

That'd
freak me out.

Why would
he like if you ate his--

Hey, guys?
Oh.

Hey.

Why don't I get
on the phone to

And see if they can
get child services

To get their
asses over here?

Now that
we have two.

Oh, we got
a wet one.

We got a wet one.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Uh-oh.
Two more.

This isn't cool, man.

Shh, it's ok.
It's ok. No, no, no.

You're gonna
help us out here.

We need
a little back-up.

No mine. No mine.

Dangle: Is there anyone
out there in processing

With baby experience
of any kind?

Mine is suckling
here, Jim.

Dangle:
If he's suckling, he quiet. That's fine.

I don't care
if he's suckling.

I usually charge
more for this

Garcia: Oh, dear lord.

Dangle: We're out
of prostitutes?

It's Tuesday
night, boss.

You got it.
Got one.

Got room
for 4 more on this one.

Es aqui.
Es aqui.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey!
How is the baby with a gun?

How's the baby
with a gun?

Hi, hi, hi, hi.

Is there no age limit?
What is the cutoff?

We're not gonna start
getting 18-year-olds, are we?

[siren]

Hola. Mi lamo Travis Junior,

Ayudante del sheriff
del departmento Reno agulacil.

Les pido que no usan
los letreros de la keratera

Para practica del tiro,

Y es su dinero qui reparen
esto letreros.

?por que no usan
practica esta trio?

Jones: ??? comin'
for to carry me home ???

[door buzzes]

[babies crying]

Oh! My god!

Muchos ninos que nosotros
no queremos tener.

You know what?
I have an idea.

[babies crying]

Junior: Holy shit. Sir?
Dangle: Oh my god, sir?

Sir, hold on.
Oh, man.

I feel like I'm moving
my legs rapidly.

Do you see them
moving? Let's take a look.

You know that...

He's separated
completely from his legs.

If we move this car,
he's dead.

This is so ironic,
this right here.

I was just with
some friends.

We were
watching dvds,

And I got into
rather a heated argument

About m. Night Shyamalan
and the movie "signs,"

You know, when
the wife is dying,

She's been hit
by the car,

And I really thought
that was the moment

When he started
to kind of go downhill

And led, inevitably,

To the sort of
postmodern dissonance

Of "Lady in the water."

We were just having
that same conversation on the way here.

You know what one
was his good one?

I liked
"the village."

Look, guys.

There were monsters
in that.

I was like,
"are there really monsters?"

But then there weren't
really monsters.

But what if
that happened? That could happen.

No. It couldn't happen.

You want
a twist ending,

You want Nicolas Roeg's
"Don't look now."

Is that the one
with the talking babies?

And Bruce Willis.

That guy from "Perfect"
has a baby, and the baby talks.

"perfect"?

How about the guy from
"Saturday Night Fever"

Or "Pulp Fiction"?

"Perfect"? Who are you
talking about?

John Travolta.
From "Perfect."

It was great because, like,
they were trying to dance,

But they knew
they could never be perfect.

You guys
are police.

You obviously
must have seen Antonioni's "L'avventura,"

The missing girl,

The disconnected-
from-reality circle of rich friends.

She goes missing.
They never find her.

What was the one with
the little two mice

Who go find that
little girl down in the bayou?

That's
"the rescuers."

Yeah!
Yeah!

It was horrible.

That was the valley
of the Disney animation regime.

That was during the time
of "Pete's dragon"

And "bedknobs
and broomsticks."

I hated them boys
who were trying to get Pete's dragon.

They were gonna make him
into a suit.

Awful! Oh, please
get the emts here.

Oh, you guys are just
bereft of any kind of culture

And any kind of knowledge
of the world of cinema.

Hey, Joe--

What's that
over there?

Hey, Joe, what's
that over there?

No. You know
that technically-- [slam]

His legs are about
4 feet that way.

We actually hit him.

We bumped over him
on the way in.

That guy was very in touch
with his inner asshole,

Considering his asshole
was about 10 feet that way.

Hey, Jackie.

Jackie: Oh, hey.

You guys didn't
come to visit.

Yeah.
Yeah. We did.

Oh, hey,
they're flowers

For smelling,
huh? Thank you.

Jackie, we collectively
got together

And prepared
this note.

"dear Jackie..."
dear Jackie...

"we are so sorry
you are in the hospital

"about to die.

"hope you die soon
and pain-free.

"sincerely
from all of us...

The Reno sheriff's
department."

Listen. Shut
the fuck up.

Now, little
miss this one,

This is
something that I think

You will not
only appreciate.

It was my grandmother's

And my grandmother's
before hers,

And now it is mine,

And now I am
giving it, passing it on down to you,

And I think you
could probably get some use out of it.

It's perfectly good.

I think just
a little crazy glue,

And you're good
to go, sister.

I'm not
touching that.

Jackie, are you having
a hard time dying?

What do you mean,
a hard time dying?

Now I want you
to close your eye...

Ok. It's closed.

And visualize yourself
on a trampoline.

Is this like
a vision quest?

Because I fell for
this once before,

And I woke up
with crabs.

I just want to help you
into the next life...

Ok! I'm thinking
about a trampoline.

Thinking about a trampoline,
and you're going up,

And you're
going down,

And you're going
up and down,

And then you jump off

And over the fence,
and you're done.

Oh, I'm
gonna puke.

Oh, crap.
Oh, god.

I didn't even know
if that would work.

I just read it
in "Reader's Digest."

[siren]

[siren]

I got yet another jumper

Out on the Old Sparks bridge.

"life is worth living.
Life is worth living.

Don't do it. Don't do it.
Life is worth living."

Sir, life
is worth living.

Don't do it, really.
Please don't do it.

Please don't do it.
It's really, really far down.

You do not want to do it.
Trust me, sir.

Yeah. I think you're
right about that.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't
want to do it, trust me.

I'm just so tired.
I know.

Oh, bro, trust me.
I've been there.

You know, I could be
in some other house with some other job.

Man, that'd be,
like, the bomb, you know?

That'd be
the greatest.

So, you know, you got
to look at it like that.

You got to look at it
like tabula rosa.

Can I get a light?
Oh, here you go.

Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck, shit.

Fuck it!

If you understand that

Tomorrow is the first day
of the rest of your life,

Wiggle your foot.

Hi, Jackie.

It's Trudy.
Hi.

You look terrific.

Oh, trudy.
High five.

Great. Ok.
That's enough, honey.

When we were
in the fourth grade... Yes?

I really appreciate
what you did for me

When you told uncle Mel
that it was you

Who put the cigarette butts
in his beer

And you took
the fall for me.

I don't know what
to say about that.

It's all good.

God bless you.
You took the beating of your life.

You took the beating of
your life for me, Jackie.

I'll never
forget it.

God bless you.
Get your tongue out of my ear.

Get your tongue
out of my ear.

Ok. Ok. Ok.

Ok. Don't touch.
No. Too much touching.

Ok. She's going to hell.

She's definitely
going to hell.

[farts]

[flatline]

Captioning made possible by
mtv networks

This was
a diamond necklace

Given to me by
Knackie Onassis herself.

Knackie Onassis?

Jackie Onassis
herself!

She was once
the queen!

Now listen.

She was the queen
of style.

She was
the queen of music.

She was the queen
of the scene.

Don't even get me
started on Jackie Onassis.

So, these are for you.
I hope you like them.

Don't sell them
because I will find you in the afterlife

And haunt the
shit out of you.

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