Original subtitles

Release the shark!

[cheering and applause]

Woman: All right!

We have worked out the kinks,

And today we are jumping the shark for autism!

[cheering]

Woman: "f" you, autism!

To fight not in favor of autism. To fight autism.

And we've raised how much?

67 dollars!

67 dollars!

Minus the signs-- or with the signs.

So we're doing pretty good! Yeah. Here we go.

Ready?

Yeah.

Set.

Yeah.

[gunshot]

[screaming]

Oh fuck! Fuck! Fuck it!

Fuck! Somebody grab it! Somebody grab it!

Get down. Get down, jim.

Oh, it's fine.

Fuck!

Captioning made possible by mtv networks

Sheriff's department! Freeze! Get on the ground!

[gunshots]

Ahh!

Oh!

What? What?

Aah! Aah!

All right.

There's a tornado!

Chanting: Hell, no! We won't blow!

[gunshots]

Yeah!

He's my friend.

Now!

Right on the ground. Put it right on the ground.

Aah!

Good morning, gang.

Good morning. Good morning.

Anybody who has been enjoying any of the nautical activities

At all at the ghost shaft water park...

Needs to get a checkup.

What? Oh...

They will pay for any ointment that you need,

And you get a complimentary pass for all of next year.

- That's a good. - The whole y?

Yeah.

But do get the ointment for real this time.

Do you have to show them your receipt?

Uh, no. Just show them your genitals

And say, "I'm here for the ointment."

So, trudy, you know you're up, right?

You've got "neighbors and friends" today.

- Oh fuck. - Ha ha.

No no, don't make fun of "neighbors and friends."

"neighbors and friends" is a good program.

Yeah, it's a good program

If you like taking care of...

Homebound people who can't help themselves

And the elderly and the physically challenged.

That's one way of putting it.

I was going to say, like fat vegetable retards

That you've got to wash.

6 and 1...Either way, it's a good program.

Junior: Ha ha

- You might be one of those one day. - In a very serious news...

This is not a laughing matter, people.

The rodriguez brothers,

Javier and jaime...

Uh...Have jumped bail.

You kid?

They have jumped on $250,000 bail.

We caught them once. We can catch them again.

- We can catch them again. - Mmhmm, mmhmm.

Let's do it.

They may then... Jump bail again.

[all]: Not our problem.

Catching them... Our problem.

Serving a warrant on the rodriguez brothers.

Bringing them to justice.

What are we doing if there's trouble?

Uh, shoot first.

Shoot first.

It's the reno sheriff's depar.

Whispers: It's tommy hawk.

Alright, if you guys ar, they're probably not he.

Maybe we can use some of this.

Lieutenant jim dangle, reno sheriff's department.

- Big fan. - Uh huh.

Ok. Yeah. We're not doing intros now.

Not doing no intros, now.

Just go back to one, and come out and say,

"hawk, how can I help you?

We are the reno sheriff's department."

Try it one time.

Hawk, here to help you. How can we?

Hawk, here we are. How can we help you?

We're big fans. We're really big fans.

Just keep rolling. Keep rolling.

- Go back to o. - Go back, go b!

Come back peopl!

- [junior reh. - Y.

Uh, haw.

All right. We reconnoitered last night, team hawk.

You remember. So this is the rodriguez brothers--

High-value target, high-value target, 250.

Why are we doing what he says?

He must be trying to catch our bounty, right?

- Is he trying to get the rodriguez brothers? - That's what he does.

Hawk: Come on. Come back in.

Our bounty--

Wait. Shit! We're late for the cue.

We've missed our cue. Hawk!

Hey!

Oh, hey. It's the reno sheriff's department.

Good to see you guys.

Now's the time. Say it. Never mind. Cut.

How you guys doing?

Hawk! We're the reno sheriff's department, we're--

It's late. It's too late.

We've already cut.

Oh, that was pretty good. You can't use that?

No. Listen, if you guys are here--

What are you doing in reno?

We're after the rodriguez brothers.

It's 250.

No, no, no. We're after the rodriguez brothers.

No, I'm sorry. It's 250--

No I got a warrant.

Hey, do you really hang out with sammy hagar?

Yeah. We're good friends. Yeah.

How did you know that?

- What's sammy hagar like? - What is sammy hagar like?

He's cool. He loves to party, man.

We love to party and shoot off firearms.

- That's what w. - Does he drive?

Thanks kelly.

No, he says specifically that he can't drive 55.

That's the one thing we all know about sammy hagar.

His creed is that he can't do it.

He actually took 55 off his speedometer.

Ah. It's not even there?

- No, it's not there. - So you can't even see it?

- No, you can't. - What did he pe white-out or so?

No. He just...U-

Just taped?

No, he just scrt right off.

It's still the same speedometer, but you can't actually--

Doesn't have a 55 on it.

[shouting] you'll never take us alive!

[gunshots]

[hawk]: That's a lot of.

I wouldn't worr.

[policemen returning fire]

Alright, we'll catch 'em next t.

Officer, good job not firing your gun.

Oh, yeah. It's stuck.

I got peanut butter in there or something.

Jeez! Jeez! Aah!

[shouting]

[announcer:] this has been your tommk

Red bull moment.

You're watching tommy hawk.

E-bay this.

I love you, baby.

Kids, this is what it's all about.

Whoo!

Oh, yeah. The hawk loves the hunt.

Guys, we were just on the tommy hawk show!

[cheering]

I really don't know what I'm in for.

Hope I don't have to change any adult diapers or anything.

But, you know, if I have to,

You know, I'll make lemonade.

Not literally, of course. I just mean, like, you know,

When life gives you... You know what I mean.

Hi! Hi.

How are you?

Yes? Can I help you?

My name is officer trudy wiegel,

And I am here today to help you--

To cook for you and clean for you...

Wash you, you know, whatever you need.

I'm here to help.

Ok. Sounds good.

Ooh, here's the chips.

I'll start with maybe a medium-sized one.

Oh, you want me to hand them to you.

If it's not a problem,

Or else maybe I'll call the sheriff's department.

No, no, no. It's not a problem.

That's what I'm here to do.

Thank you.

Medium-sized one. Ok. Here's one.

Not that one.

Bbbb...

One more time.

Ok. Bbbb....

Ok. Oh, that's messy.

[chewing loudly]

You always chew like that?

Oh.

Your hands work?

No.

We recently found a woman

Stuffed in a samsonite suitcase

With a bunch of exotic birds.

I guess they were smuggling her in

As part of a sex slave trade ring.

It was either ship her back to where she came from,

And frankly, we didn't have the ship fare.

So what we did is we gave her a job here,

A chance at a slightly better life.

Put her in charge of dispatch.

- Hey, cindy. - Hi there.

You're doing a real good job out here.

Thank you so much.

You're a real good intern.

Glad you're not a sex slave anymore.

But I hate to bring this up.

Processing.

Process the prisoners?

Process the prisoners.

Yeah, you know what you're doing?

You're adding a little bit to the process

That we'd like you not to be adding to the process.

What part?

- Uh...Fingerprinting, good. - Ok. I fingerprint.

Taking their information, good.

Taking their information.

Then what have you been doing next?

This one.

Yeah. This one. Yeah. No.

No, you're not a sex slave anymore.

Thumb prints--

That guy like it.

Yeah, they all like it.

The complaints ain't coming from the guys getting--

They love it. I'll be honest with you.

They like it a lot.

Not what we're supposed to be doing.

I don't take any money.

I don't charge any money.

Yeah, that doesn't make them not like it less.

That makes them like it more.

You understand that, right?

So you don't want them to be happy?

No, we don't want them to be happy.

Ohh!

Crime and punishment. Crime and punishment.

I don't understand. Ok.

Yeah-- what you're doing is you're helping

Their self-esteem.

We don't want to help it.

People are committing minor crimes out there

Just to get in just for your processing.

- Oh. - We don't want that.

Now, tommy hawk looks slick

Because whenever he fucks up,

He goes back, and he re-does it again.

Now, if we were able to re--nigger--rig

Everything we said to sound smart,

We would sound smart, too.

Can we do that again without saying "re-nigger"?

Did I say "re-nigger"?

Yeah.

Oh, can we go back and do that again?

Ok. Mtv. Mtv2.

- Up, up, u. - Keep goin.

- 74 or 77? - It's way up there.

- I thought it was 72. - I think it's like 900...

That's it! That's it! That's it!

Caw!

tommy hawk

tommy hawk

God don't make no junk, except you!

Caw!

[cheering]

The tommy hawk show is brought to you by

Boost mobile!

Where are you at?

We're just outside the rodriguez trailer.

Remember, the rodriguez brothers--

High-value target. 250.

These guys are trouble, nothing but trouble,

And we're going to get them. Don't worry.

Now's the--

It's the reno sheriff's department.

These guys aren't here.

If the sheriff department's here,

The trail's obviously totally cold.

[stammering]

No, he's good. He's good. He's good.

You're covered. You're covered. Don't worry.

No, you're out of the shot.

Okay.

So stand by you?

Yeah, stand by me. 2-shot. Nice 2, right? You clean? Good.

Tell me...

You forgot what you were talking about, didn't you? Yeah.

Ok. Uh...

I didn't think k any stupider onv

Than we already do.

Good to meet you. Good to meet you.

Ok, good luck with everything.

He's being sarcastic. Was that sarcastic?

[sarcastically] no. Ha ha!

[laughing] ok. We'll see you all later.

Ha ha ha!

Remember, kids, if you want to get something done,

Don't call the cops. Call a bounty hunter!

[cocks gun]

No. No. Hey-- garcia! Garcia!

[gunshots]

Stay tuned for more of the tommy hawk show!

Caw!

Were you aiming at the tv?

Hi, cindy.

Hi there.

How you doing?

Hi there, captain.

Lieutenant. We've been over this. Remember?

Oh, lieutenant.

I know.... I'm not the captain.

Hi there, lieutenant handsome.

I know. We've been over and over...

Hey, could you do me a solid

And just fax that for me?

Sure, no problem!

You remember how we went over the fax machine?

Ok. You want me to fuck for you.

No, that's the thing.

I don't want you to fuck this.

- Okay. - No fuck this.

Don't fuck--

But you just told me you want me to fuck it.

No.

They only taught you sex, didn't they?

They did.

They taught you nothing else?

Yeah, I taught myself some, though.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

What else you l?

You learned english good.

Yeah.

"fax." that word looks like this.

Okay. F-a-x. Fack.

Say it.

Fax.

The thing that we don't say?

Uh...Oh, that one?

- Yeah. - Oh! Fuck!

No, we don't do that anymore.

We just... We send the fax.

Ok.

I will fax it really good for you.

Don't fuck it.

- Don't fuck it. - Don't fuck the paper

Okay.

What's the word? Let's say it together.

Fax. Fax.

Fax..we don't have a fuck e anywhere in the buildin.

[sniffs]

Ok, sam...

I finished cleaning your bathroom.

Oh, good. Thank you.

I finished cleaning the kitchen.

I did your laundry. I did your sheets.

That took a couple of times in the cycle

To get those real... Real clean.

A lot of those stains were not made by me.

They were made by my friend craig.

I'm ready for another bite.

Ok. This time, when you take a bite,

Could you just sort of do it just like regular

And then just chew it--

Regular bite, okay.

Yeah, with your mouth cd and swallow?

Got it.

Ok. See, that's what I'm talking about.

Trudy, I have to go to the bathroom now.

I'm going to go to the bathroom,

But you might need to come and help me

When I go in there.

Listen, for reals.

Revenge.

Hmm.

We're going to get ours, all right?

And so are you, tommy.

He's going to get his revenge, too?

No. Uh...

That would be horrible. But we'll get ours.

We'll get ours.

And you'll get yours.

Now I just said the same exact thing.

See, now you just did it, too.

We got a hot tip that the rodriguez brothers

Are at this residence. It's go time.

[whispers] go. Go. Go.

[whispering] get out. Get out. Get out.

[whispering] go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

It's locked.

Bust it!

[all shouting]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Put it down! Put it down! Put it down! Put it down!

Where's the old lady?

The old lady. Where's the old lady?

She's the ringleader. Where's the old lady?

She wasn't here?

All right. Well, you guys get out of here.

We're going to do a second take.

Guillaume, you all right to set up the door again?

Deux minutes.

Yeah. Ok. Deux minutes. We're good.

That's just french for "two."

Wow. That's ok that that take didn't go,

Because I was a little shiny on that.

Ok, tommy.

There's a fire.

They were just here.

What are you guys...

What are you guys still doing here?

You're eating the pickles?

We found some pickles.

We found some pickles.

Hey, you want to hear a secret?

What?

I'm kind of downplaying this.

What?

I actually love the tommy hawk show.

I always think-- the weird thing is I always

Picture myself sort of more like tk

Than like myself.

Do you really?

I know, and I think I might be wrong.

I think you might be right--you are wrong.

Although, I mean, you know, I tried

To get some sponsorship deals.

Who'd you try to go to?

Nair. I tried nair.

Wait, look--

Good old tamara and sabrina.

Shawn's retirement party, huh?

Oh. Oh.

Wow.

Wow. That's some party.

Boy, he's too young to retire, that guy.

But he's big and black and hot.

Is this officially a "train"?

Is that what they call it?

I think so.

And it looks like tamara's wearing

An engagement ring.

Ooh, she is wearing an engagement ring.

I wonder who she's engaged to.

What's weird is she's wearing it in this picture,

But she's not wearing it in this picture,

Which makes me worry that maybe it went in there.

Oh, my god. Call the gaffe squad.

[ahem]

Can you do it harder?

Just like really get in there.

You're being shy,

And it's making me not clean.

What are you doing? Sam, stop it.

Sam! Stop it.

Sam, stop it. What are you doing?

Sam!

Ok, sam. Well, this is good-bye.

Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

You're so welcome.

Ok. Ok.

Will you come back?

I...Ya know what--

Come back tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I can't.

But I'm glad that I could help.

Well, I would love it if you came back tomorrow.

Because that's what I do, I help.

But I only help once,

Because that's all I'm obligated to do.

I'm still not really sure what actually is wrong with him.

Man: Officer.

Could I have some help with my groceries?

And a little air.

I'm having some trouble getting a breath.

Jesus fucki.

What do I fucking look like-- mother teresa?

Get your own god damn groceries.

Good lord.

Hey, do you think tommy hawk is his real name?

I think that's bogus.

You know what they say, that--

I should have a bogus show-biz name.

When you get these fancy tv shows,

They give you a made-up name.

You're supposed to take

The street you lived on when you was little

Mmhmm.

And the name of your pet

And put it together, and that's your made-up name.

Go for it. What street did you live on?

The pet that I had?

Yeah, what was the pet's name?

Cat montgomery.

No, not the name of the pet--

The pet-- what kind of pet. The pet's name.

What was your cat's name?

Crinkles.

Ok. And you lived on montgomery street?

Yeah.

That's your name.

Crinkles montgomery at your service.

Boom.

Looks like a case for crinkles montgomery.

Let's move! Let's move!

The rodriguez brothers were spotted

Not 2 miles from here!

Let's move, people! Move!

Remember, they're dangerous. They're extremely...

Hawk: Remember, the rodriguez brothers are 250.

200 just for the mom.

All right, add that up.

Teaching you more than "sesame street."

Tommy hawk! Caw!

God don't make no junk... Except you!

All right.

All right, johnny law, take them away.

But next week, we're going to san diego,

Turning the tables on a sexual predator.

And I'm burning my beard!

Here you go, baby.

Remember, god don't make no junk...Except you!

Amen.

Whoo! Thanks, baby.

Do you want to do another one of those

That I'm not standing right by your shoulder--

You were in?

I was standing right half in the thing.

Let me get-- I'm a little shiny.

You want to go? Let's do it again.

Here. Take some of that.

Some medicine for you.

Remember...

Ah...

Whoo. That one really hit. Give me another one of those.

Remember, god don't make no junk...Except you!

Whoo! Whoo!

Yeah. Get on, baby. Come on.

All right. Well, ride safe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, and one last thing.

What's that?

You blow in this breathalyzer for me?

[blowing]

[beep]

.9-0

Tommy hawk, you're under arrest for d.U.I.

Get on the ground right now.

You know hawk loves to party.

Get on the grou.

Step away from the vehicle and the lady right now!

If you give up the right to remain silent,

Anything you say can and will--

Ow. You know what?

Joe, can I go back, actually?

Do it again.

Can I go back to where...

You're a little shiny, too.

Can I get a little...

Makeup lady, could I get a little...

Oh, you gota be kidding .

Tommy hawk, you have the right to remain silent.

You have the right to an attorney.

You have the right to have an attorney present

During any questioning.

If you give up the right to an attorney,

Anything you say can

And will be used against you in a court of law.

And...Cut.

If I get raped, put it on youtube, all right?

[siren]

The mayor's here! The mayor's here!

The mayor's here! The mayor is--the mayor! Mayor!

Right now!

Mr. Mayor.

Hey. Good morning... Afternoon.

Those pinche pendejo cock suckers!

Hijo de su puta madre!

They can have all their court commissions

And pinche subpoenas and god damn setups

With the fake chi-chis and the thongs.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel,

And those cock suckers cannot prove anything.

Captioning made possible by mtv networks

Captioned by national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

[chattering]

Hey, hey. Enough chatter. Go. Turn.

[mumbling]

Here we go.

Hawk, want to hear our catch phrase?

Yes.

[cocks shotgun]

I was trying to help you out there.

Sheriff's department.

That's how you answer the phone, r?

Yeah, it's how we answer the phones, too.

Also how we answer the phone.

It's both-- it's convenient thas both our catch phrase

And the manner in which we answer the phone.

Because them people know we're the sheriff's department.

And then they know who they got on the line.

Ok, we really can cut now.

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