Original subtitles

>> well, the reno sheriff's

>> well, the reno sheriff's

>> well, the reno sheriff's department is harnessing the

Department is harnessing the

Department is harnessing the power of y2k and beyond. We

Power of y2k and beyond. We

Power of y2k and beyond. We have set up reno911.Com.

Have set up reno911.Com.

Have set up reno911.Com. It's loading. Loading.

It's loading. Loading.

It's loading. Loading. Any crime that could be

Any crime that could be

Any crime that could be happening to you that you need

Happening to you that you need

Happening to you that you need to report is all right on the

To report is all right on the

To report is all right on the page right after the intro

Page right after the intro

Page right after the intro and...Loading.

And...Loading.

And...Loading. Boom! That was really fast.

>> oh, man! She tricked me.

>> oh, man! She tricked me.

>> oh, man! She tricked me. It was a trick!

>> pow!

>> whoa!

[whistle blows]

[whistle blows]

[whistle blows] >> all right, ok...

Stop flaggin' the building!

Stop flaggin' the building!

Stop flaggin' the building! No loitering!

[siren]

[siren]

[siren] [captioning made possible by

[captioning made possible by

[captioning made possible by mtv networks]

Mtv networks]

Mtv networks] >> I guess mr. French, the dog

>> I guess mr. French, the dog

>> I guess mr. French, the dog from the canine unit, he got

From the canine unit, he got

From the canine unit, he got into one of the evidence rooms

Into one of the evidence rooms

Into one of the evidence rooms and ate--how many pounds of

And ate--how many pounds of

And ate--how many pounds of magic mushrooms was it?

Magic mushrooms was it?

Magic mushrooms was it? >> yeah, but somebody left

>> yeah, but somebody left

>> yeah, but somebody left it unlocked. He was sniffing

It unlocked. He was sniffing

It unlocked. He was sniffing around in there. He's--he's--

Around in there. He's--he's--

Around in there. He's--he's-- >> he's ok, but he's trippin'

>> he's ok, but he's trippin'

>> he's ok, but he's trippin' pretty hard, so...

Pretty hard, so...

Pretty hard, so... >> yeah. Just stay away from

>> yeah. Just stay away from

>> yeah. Just stay away from him, I'd say. Yeah. He's in

Him, I'd say. Yeah. He's in

Him, I'd say. Yeah. He's in the hall. He's spread-eagle

The hall. He's spread-eagle

The hall. He's spread-eagle in the corner back here.

In the corner back here.

In the corner back here. >> yeah. You can't miss him.

>> yeah. You can't miss him.

>> yeah. You can't miss him. >> someone should be talking

>> someone should be talking

>> someone should be talking him down, talking him through

Him down, talking him through

Him down, talking him through it.

It.

It. >> somebody should be on

>> somebody should be on

>> somebody should be on duty, because if he throws

Duty, because if he throws

Duty, because if he throws it up, he'll just eat his

It up, he'll just eat his

It up, he'll just eat his own vomit. They do that. And

Own vomit. They do that. And

Own vomit. They do that. And he'll be high for months.

He'll be high for months.

He'll be high for months. >> do you guys believe that

>> do you guys believe that

>> do you guys believe that there's other dimensions?

There's other dimensions?

There's other dimensions? You know?

You know?

You know? >> absolutely.

>> absolutely.

>> absolutely. >> like a bizarro world? Like

>> like a bizarro world? Like

>> like a bizarro world? Like maybe there's a room somewhere

Maybe there's a room somewhere

Maybe there's a room somewhere right now and it's like all of

Right now and it's like all of

Right now and it's like all of our opposites?

Our opposites?

Our opposites? >> opposite of what?

>> opposite of what?

>> opposite of what? >> there's a bunch of really

>> there's a bunch of really

>> there's a bunch of really efficient people somewhere who

Efficient people somewhere who

Efficient people somewhere who aren't driving me fucking

Aren't driving me fucking

Aren't driving me fucking crazy.

>> disappear...

>> disappear...

>> disappear... >> how are you doing today, sir?

>> how are you doing today, sir?

>> how are you doing today, sir? >> hello there.

>> hello there.

>> hello there. >> sorry to interrupt your

>> sorry to interrupt your

>> sorry to interrupt your trick there, but do you have a

Trick there, but do you have a

Trick there, but do you have a permit?

Permit?

Permit? >> a permit? The great jeff

>> a permit? The great jeff

>> a permit? The great jeff does not need a permit.

Does not need a permit.

Does not need a permit. >> well, I'm afraid you do.

>> well, I'm afraid you do.

>> well, I'm afraid you do. Sorry, folks. Just gonna have

Sorry, folks. Just gonna have

Sorry, folks. Just gonna have to ask this gentleman to move

To ask this gentleman to move

To ask this gentleman to move along. Afraid the show's over.

Along. Afraid the show's over.

Along. Afraid the show's over. Sir, I want you to place your

Sir, I want you to place your

Sir, I want you to place your hands behind your back for me.

Hands behind your back for me.

Hands behind your back for me. >> we're going to handcuff me

>> we're going to handcuff me

>> we're going to handcuff me with standard-issue handcuffs.

With standard-issue handcuffs.

With standard-issue handcuffs. That's right. Made of solid

That's right. Made of solid

That's right. Made of solid stainless steel. Can you

Stainless steel. Can you

Stainless steel. Can you listen for me and tell me what

Listen for me and tell me what

Listen for me and tell me what that sound is, officer

That sound is, officer

That sound is, officer kimball? What is that sound?

Kimball? What is that sound?

Kimball? What is that sound? The sound of freedom! Ha ha

The sound of freedom! Ha ha

The sound of freedom! Ha ha ha! Ha ha!

Ha! Ha ha!

Ha! Ha ha! >> well, I wonder how you'd do

>> well, I wonder how you'd do

>> well, I wonder how you'd do with riot cuffs.

With riot cuffs.

With riot cuffs. >> there is no key that can

>> there is no key that can

>> there is no key that can let you out of this device.

Let you out of this device.

Let you out of this device. Only a metal object, only a

Only a metal object, only a

Only a metal object, only a sharp knife.

Sharp knife.

Sharp knife. >> let's see how you do on

>> let's see how you do on

>> let's see how you do on this one.

This one.

This one. >> oh, gosh, I wish these

>> oh, gosh, I wish these

>> oh, gosh, I wish these cuffs were off of mvoila!

Cuffs were off of mvoila!

Cuffs were off of mvoila! >> oh, my gosh!

>> oh, my gosh!

>> oh, my gosh! >> ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!

>> ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!

>> ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! >> that is something. I mean,

>> that is something. I mean,

>> that is something. I mean, I don't--

I don't--

I don't-- >> does this possibly

>> does this possibly

>> does this possibly belong to you?

Belong to you?

Belong to you? [crowd applauds]

[crowd applauds]

[crowd applauds] >> oh, my lord. This is my

>> oh, my lord. This is my

>> oh, my lord. This is my favorite crucifix from when I

Favorite crucifix from when I

Favorite crucifix from when I was just a little girl, and it

Was just a little girl, and it

Was just a little girl, and it was on my neck just a second

Was on my neck just a second

Was on my neck just a second ago, but it sure isn't now.

Ago, but it sure isn't now.

Ago, but it sure isn't now. >> but not anymore!

>> but not anymore!

>> but not anymore! >> ladies and gentlemen, I

>> ladies and gentlemen, I

>> ladies and gentlemen, I wonder if the great jeff can

Wonder if the great jeff can

Wonder if the great jeff can escape the reno sheriff's

Escape the reno sheriff's

Escape the reno sheriff's department police car.

Department police car.

Department police car. >> this squad car is reinforced

>> this squad car is reinforced

>> this squad car is reinforced with an impenetrable cage!

With an impenetrable cage!

With an impenetrable cage! >> absolutely impenetrable! Once

>> absolutely impenetrable! Once

>> absolutely impenetrable! Once inside this vehicle, there is no

Inside this vehicle, there is no

Inside this vehicle, there is no escape.

Escape.

Escape. >> you cannot let yourself out

>> you cannot let yourself out

>> you cannot let yourself out from the inside.

From the inside.

From the inside. >> you cannot! Once inside--and

>> you cannot! Once inside--and

>> you cannot! Once inside--and I will demonstrate for you--this

I will demonstrate for you--this

I will demonstrate for you--this car locks so you can't get--

Car locks so you can't get--

Car locks so you can't get-- you--

You--

You-- >> ladies and gentlemen, act 2!

>> ladies and gentlemen, act 2!

>> ladies and gentlemen, act 2! >> hey!

>> I have had it up to here, and

>> I have had it up to here, and

>> I have had it up to here, and you had better start talking,

You had better start talking,

You had better start talking, you son of a bitch! Talk! Being

You son of a bitch! Talk! Being

You son of a bitch! Talk! Being quiet ain't gonna help you. Your

Quiet ain't gonna help you. Your

Quiet ain't gonna help you. Your partner's right on the other

Partner's right on the other

Partner's right on the other side of that glass, and he is

Side of that glass, and he is

Side of that glass, and he is singing like a little bird.

Singing like a little bird.

Singing like a little bird. >> no. There's nobody over

>> no. There's nobody over

>> no. There's nobody over there.

There.

There. Yeah, he is, singing like a

Yeah, he is, singing like a

Yeah, he is, singing like a bird! [hisses]

Bird! [hisses]

Bird! [hisses] >> give us a couple minutes. We

>> give us a couple minutes. We

>> give us a couple minutes. We gotta--yeah, let us work on this

Gotta--yeah, let us work on this

Gotta--yeah, let us work on this a little bit. See, the whole

A little bit. See, the whole

A little bit. See, the whole point of the 2-way glass--

>> I did have a real crush on my

>> I did have a real crush on my

>> I did have a real crush on my cousin once.

Cousin once.

Cousin once. >> did you?

>> did you?

>> did you? >> you know, we just kissed

>> you know, we just kissed

>> you know, we just kissed but--

But--

But-- >> uh-huh. You just kissed. Did

>> uh-huh. You just kissed. Did

>> uh-huh. You just kissed. Did you initiate it?

You initiate it?

You initiate it? >> well, uh, no.

>> well, uh, no.

>> well, uh, no. >> how old were you?

>> how old were you?

>> how old were you? >> I was 32.

>> I was 32.

>> I was 32. [tires screech]

[tires screech]

[tires screech] [crash]

>> you know what you did was

>> you know what you did was

>> you know what you did was wrong! You know what you did was

Wrong! You know what you did was

Wrong! You know what you did was wrong! Sit down.

Wrong! Sit down.

Wrong! Sit down. >> I'm sorry.

>> I'm sorry.

>> I'm sorry. >> don't talk! Sorry doesn't cut

>> don't talk! Sorry doesn't cut

>> don't talk! Sorry doesn't cut it.

It.

It. >> hey, hey! [whistles]

>> hey, hey! [whistles]

>> hey, hey! [whistles] >> let's go!

>> let's go!

>> let's go! >> fellas, jeez. Turn it down,

>> fellas, jeez. Turn it down,

>> fellas, jeez. Turn it down, huh?

Huh?

Huh? >> you make me sick!

>> you make me sick!

>> you make me sick! >> hey, hey, hey! Documentary

>> hey, hey, hey! Documentary

>> hey, hey, hey! Documentary crew. Documentary crew, guys.

Crew. Documentary crew, guys.

Crew. Documentary crew, guys. What have we here? What's your

What have we here? What's your

What have we here? What's your name?

Name?

Name? >> pete.

>> pete.

>> pete. >> pete?

>> pete?

>> pete? >> mm-hmm.

>> mm-hmm.

>> mm-hmm. >> do you know what happens to

>> do you know what happens to

>> do you know what happens to bad little boys, pete?

Bad little boys, pete?

Bad little boys, pete? >> no.

>> no.

>> no. >> they get sent to bad boy

>> they get sent to bad boy

>> they get sent to bad boy island is what happens to them,

Island is what happens to them,

Island is what happens to them, where they have to work in the

Where they have to work in the

Where they have to work in the pepper mines. Do you want to go

Pepper mines. Do you want to go

Pepper mines. Do you want to go mine pepper on bad boy island?

Mine pepper on bad boy island?

Mine pepper on bad boy island? No?

No?

No? >> no.

>> no.

>> no. >> are you sorry for what you

>> are you sorry for what you

>> are you sorry for what you did?

Did?

Did? >> yeah.

>> yeah.

>> yeah. >> are you very sorry?

>> are you very sorry?

>> are you very sorry? >> yeah.

>> yeah.

>> yeah. >> times a million sorry?

>> times a million sorry?

>> times a million sorry? >> yeah.

>> yeah.

>> yeah. >> be a good boy and listen to

>> be a good boy and listen to

>> be a good boy and listen to your mama and your papa and not

Your mama and your papa and not

Your mama and your papa and not make mischief and you're free to

Make mischief and you're free to

Make mischief and you're free to go.

Go.

Go. >> holy shit! What'd you do?

>> holy shit! What'd you do?

>> holy shit! What'd you do? Where is he, jim? What'd he do?

Where is he, jim? What'd he do?

Where is he, jim? What'd he do? Where is he? Where'd he go?

Where is he? Where'd he go?

Where is he? Where'd he go? >> where'd he go?

>> where'd he go?

>> where'd he go? >> I let him go.

>> I let him go.

>> I let him go. >> you did what?!

>> you did what?!

>> you did what?! >> he killed his whole family,

>> he killed his whole family,

>> he killed his whole family, jim. He raped his little sister.

Jim. He raped his little sister.

Jim. He raped his little sister. [overlapping yelling]

[overlapping yelling]

[overlapping yelling] >> oh, shit. Sorry.

>> oh, shit. Sorry.

>> oh, shit. Sorry. >> get the squad car!

>> get the squad car!

>> get the squad car! >> apparently that little boy

>> apparently that little boy

>> apparently that little boy raped his sister to death.

Raped his sister to death.

Raped his sister to death. [siren]

>> hey, where's my van?

>> hey, where's my van?

>> hey, where's my van? >> typical. Car stealing has

>> typical. Car stealing has

>> typical. Car stealing has become more and more common,

Become more and more common,

Become more and more common, especially in areas where people

Especially in areas where people

Especially in areas where people are poor and need money for

Are poor and need money for

Are poor and need money for drugs or to feed their children.

Drugs or to feed their children.

Drugs or to feed their children. But if her van was outfitted

But if her van was outfitted

But if her van was outfitted with a police tek 2000 car alert

With a police tek 2000 car alert

With a police tek 2000 car alert system like my car is, the scene

System like my car is, the scene

System like my car is, the scene would look like this.

Would look like this.

Would look like this. >> man, I sure could use this

>> man, I sure could use this

>> man, I sure could use this car to sell it for drug money

Car to sell it for drug money

Car to sell it for drug money and some food for my baby. Here

And some food for my baby. Here

And some food for my baby. Here goes.

Goes.

Goes. [alarm]

[alarm]

[alarm] [woman speaking french]

>> wow! You're right. I should

>> wow! You're right. I should

>> wow! You're right. I should get a job. Stealing is for

Get a job. Stealing is for

Get a job. Stealing is for jerks.

Jerks.

Jerks. >> thank god! Another car

>> thank god! Another car

>> thank god! Another car stealer off the streets thanks

Stealer off the streets thanks

Stealer off the streets thanks to police tek.

To police tek.

To police tek. [alarm chirps]

[siren]

[siren]

[siren] >> dangle, j.

>> dangle, j.

>> dangle, j. >> junior, t.

>> junior, t.

>> junior, t. [door buzzes and unlocks]

[door buzzes and unlocks]

[door buzzes and unlocks] >> don't go near the glass.

>> don't go near the glass.

>> don't go near the glass. >> don't show weakness. He'll

>> don't show weakness. He'll

>> don't show weakness. He'll exploit it.

Exploit it.

Exploit it. >> don't engage him in

>> don't engage him in

>> don't engage him in conversation.

Conversation.

Conversation. >> show no weakness.

>> show no weakness.

>> show no weakness. >> don't make eye contact.

>> don't make eye contact.

>> don't make eye contact. We're hear to ask questions, not

We're hear to ask questions, not

We're hear to ask questions, not to answer them.

To answer them.

To answer them. >> correct.

>> correct.

>> correct. [beeps]

[beeps]

[beeps] >> hi, mike.

>> hi, mike.

>> hi, mike. >> morning, mr. Bowers.

>> morning, mr. Bowers.

>> morning, mr. Bowers. >> morning, guys.

>> morning, guys.

>> morning, guys. >> how are they treating you in

>> how are they treating you in

>> how are they treating you in here? Real good?

Here? Real good?

Here? Real good? >> they leave the lights on in

>> they leave the lights on in

>> they leave the lights on in my cell 24 hours a day.

My cell 24 hours a day.

My cell 24 hours a day. >> yeah, well, that's 'cause of

>> yeah, well, that's 'cause of

>> yeah, well, that's 'cause of what you did to that

What you did to that

What you did to that psychologist.

Psychologist.

Psychologist. >> I know, I know.

>> I know, I know.

>> I know, I know. >> yeah. That's what happens.

>> yeah. That's what happens.

>> yeah. That's what happens. >> mike, when you were still

>> mike, when you were still

>> mike, when you were still acting d.A., you apparently--

Acting d.A., you apparently--

Acting d.A., you apparently-- >> before you chopped all the

>> before you chopped all the

>> before you chopped all the hookers heads off and buried

Hookers heads off and buried

Hookers heads off and buried them in your yard, uh...

Them in your yard, uh...

Them in your yard, uh... >> you changed the long-distance

>> you changed the long-distance

>> you changed the long-distance plan.

Plan.

Plan. >> do you remember doing this?

>> do you remember doing this?

>> do you remember doing this? >> yes.

>> yes.

>> yes. >> ok. 'cause we used to have

>> ok. 'cause we used to have

>> ok. 'cause we used to have something called "anywhere,

Something called "anywhere,

Something called "anywhere, anytime."

Anytime."

Anytime." >> mm-hmm.

>> mm-hmm.

>> mm-hmm. >> and now we have--

>> and now we have--

>> and now we have-- >> changed it to the family

>> changed it to the family

>> changed it to the family plan.

Plan.

Plan. >> the family plan, right.

>> the family plan, right.

>> the family plan, right. >> the family bonus plan, it's

>> the family bonus plan, it's

>> the family bonus plan, it's called.

Called.

Called. >> it should be unlimited

>> it should be unlimited

>> it should be unlimited weekends.

Weekends.

Weekends. >> it is, but there's a little

>> it is, but there's a little

>> it is, but there's a little bit of a catch.

Bit of a catch.

Bit of a catch. >> they're re-zoned the

>> they're re-zoned the

>> they're re-zoned the long-distance areas based on the

Long-distance areas based on the

Long-distance areas based on the 3-digit prefix codes, so now

3-digit prefix codes, so now

3-digit prefix codes, so now sparks is long distance.

Sparks is long distance.

Sparks is long distance. >> oh, bullshit!

>> oh, bullshit!

>> oh, bullshit! >> yeah. Sparks is long

>> yeah. Sparks is long

>> yeah. Sparks is long distance. We want to change it--

Distance. We want to change it--

Distance. We want to change it-- >> for the first 3 months, I

>> for the first 3 months, I

>> for the first 3 months, I saved the county, like, $56 a

Saved the county, like, $56 a

Saved the county, like, $56 a month.

Month.

Month. >> yeah. I mean, I think that's

>> yeah. I mean, I think that's

>> yeah. I mean, I think that's why you kept getting re-elected.

Why you kept getting re-elected.

Why you kept getting re-elected. You're good with that kind of

You're good with that kind of

You're good with that kind of stuff. But now they've changed

Stuff. But now they've changed

Stuff. But now they've changed it and we need your password

It and we need your password

It and we need your password code or they won't let us change

Code or they won't let us change

Code or they won't let us change it back to "anywhere, anytime."

It back to "anywhere, anytime."

It back to "anywhere, anytime." >> I'm getting customer service,

>> I'm getting customer service,

>> I'm getting customer service, but apparently we need your

But apparently we need your

But apparently we need your mother's maiden name.

Mother's maiden name.

Mother's maiden name. >> hmm.

>> hmm.

>> hmm. >> you want to help us out

>> you want to help us out

>> you want to help us out there? English. Yes. It's a

There? English. Yes. It's a

There? English. Yes. It's a computer. Yes. Now it's asking

Computer. Yes. Now it's asking

Computer. Yes. Now it's asking for a password. I'm gonna hold

For a password. I'm gonna hold

For a password. I'm gonna hold this up, and I need you to give

This up, and I need you to give

This up, and I need you to give the mother's maiden name, ok,

The mother's maiden name, ok,

The mother's maiden name, ok, mike?

Mike?

Mike? >> it's embarrassing, but if you

>> it's embarrassing, but if you

>> it's embarrassing, but if you could...Schwettedpetta. It's

Could...Schwettedpetta. It's

Could...Schwettedpetta. It's finnish.

Finnish.

Finnish. >> accepted. Great.

>> this is it right here, near

>> this is it right here, near

>> this is it right here, near peckamanee, all these ki--I

Peckamanee, all these ki--I

Peckamanee, all these ki--I think they're kids. They've been

Think they're kids. They've been

Think they're kids. They've been shining their little laser

Shining their little laser

Shining their little laser pointer red lights into my squad

Pointer red lights into my squad

Pointer red lights into my squad car, hittin' me in the eye.

Car, hittin' me in the eye.

Car, hittin' me in the eye. >> sons of bitches.

>> sons of bitches.

>> sons of bitches. >> pissing me off.

>> pissing me off.

>> pissing me off. >> how long they been doing it

>> how long they been doing it

>> how long they been doing it to you?

To you?

To you? >> going on 4 weeks now.

>> going on 4 weeks now.

>> going on 4 weeks now. >> damn!

>> damn!

>> damn! >> now they're around here

>> now they're around here

>> now they're around here somewhere.

Somewhere.

Somewhere. >> there are kids all over the

>> there are kids all over the

>> there are kids all over the place. Could be any one of these

Place. Could be any one of these

Place. Could be any one of these little mexicans or something.

Little mexicans or something.

Little mexicans or something. >> oh! There it is, right there.

>> oh! There it is, right there.

>> oh! There it is, right there. Son of a bitch.

Son of a bitch.

Son of a bitch. >> got you again? I didn't even

>> got you again? I didn't even

>> got you again? I didn't even see it.

See it.

See it. >> oh, yeah. There's a whole

>> oh, yeah. There's a whole

>> oh, yeah. There's a whole group. Oh, hey! There--

Group. Oh, hey! There--

Group. Oh, hey! There-- >> that little fat kid--get him!

>> that little fat kid--get him!

>> that little fat kid--get him! Get him!

Get him!

Get him! >> hey! No!

>> hey! No!

>> hey! No! >> freeze! Freeze! Now hit the

>> freeze! Freeze! Now hit the

>> freeze! Freeze! Now hit the ground, kid. You, the fat kid!

Ground, kid. You, the fat kid!

Ground, kid. You, the fat kid! >> get down.

>> get down.

>> get down. >> get him, garcia!

>> get him, garcia!

>> get him, garcia! >> god damn it, you asshole!

>> god damn it, you asshole!

>> god damn it, you asshole! We will rip your fucking head

We will rip your fucking head

We will rip your fucking head off and fuckin...

>> sheriff's department!

>> sheriff's department!

>> sheriff's department! >> sheriff's department!

>> sheriff's department!

>> sheriff's department! >> got another call out here at

>> got another call out here at

>> got another call out here at one of reno's many fabulous

One of reno's many fabulous

One of reno's many fabulous scenic brothels.

Scenic brothels.

Scenic brothels. >> sheriff's department!

>> sheriff's department!

>> sheriff's department! >> when you're visiting reno,

>> when you're visiting reno,

>> when you're visiting reno, these really are the first

These really are the first

These really are the first places you should come. It's

Places you should come. It's

Places you should come. It's much nicer than--

Much nicer than--

Much nicer than-- >> what about harrah's or the el

>> what about harrah's or the el

>> what about harrah's or the el dorado?

Dorado?

Dorado? >> come to the brothels.

>> come to the brothels.

>> come to the brothels. You called 911?

You called 911?

You called 911? >> you called? You called? Who

>> you called? You called? Who

>> you called? You called? Who called? He called?

Called? He called?

Called? He called? >> he called.

>> he called.

>> he called. >> undercover with the better

>> undercover with the better

>> undercover with the better business bureau.

Business bureau.

Business bureau. >> you're undercover with the

>> you're undercover with the

>> you're undercover with the better business bureau?

Better business bureau?

Better business bureau? >> yeah.

>> yeah.

>> yeah. >> ok.

>> ok.

>> ok. >> this brothel--

>> this brothel--

>> this brothel-- >> yes?

>> yes?

>> yes? >> advertises in a magazine

>> advertises in a magazine

>> advertises in a magazine called yank.

Called yank.

Called yank. >> sure. Yank.

>> sure. Yank.

>> sure. Yank. >> for american people.

>> for american people.

>> for american people. >> yeah.

>> yeah.

>> yeah. >> no, no, no, no.

>> no, no, no, no.

>> no, no, no, no. >> no, no, no.

>> no, no, no.

>> no, no, no. >> oh, yank. Got it.

>> oh, yank. Got it.

>> oh, yank. Got it. >> and on page 28, they have an

>> and on page 28, they have an

>> and on page 28, they have an advertisement for a superhero

Advertisement for a superhero

Advertisement for a superhero room, and it's false

Room, and it's false

Room, and it's false advertisement and also fraud.

Advertisement and also fraud.

Advertisement and also fraud. >> false advertisement?

>> false advertisement?

>> false advertisement? >> you're accusing these

>> you're accusing these

>> you're accusing these prostitutes of fraud?

Prostitutes of fraud?

Prostitutes of fraud? >> exactly. This is vampirella.

>> exactly. This is vampirella.

>> exactly. This is vampirella. This is what they say is

This is what they say is

This is what they say is vampirella. She doesn't even

Vampirella. She doesn't even

Vampirella. She doesn't even have the fangs.

Have the fangs.

Have the fangs. >> good job. Very, very nice to

>> good job. Very, very nice to

>> good job. Very, very nice to meet you. Yeah. What the hell

Meet you. Yeah. What the hell

Meet you. Yeah. What the hell are you looking for?

Are you looking for?

Are you looking for? >> the body's great, but it's

>> the body's great, but it's

>> the body's great, but it's not vampirella.

Not vampirella.

Not vampirella. >> who is vampirella?

>> who is vampirella?

>> who is vampirella? >> vampirella is a brunette, not

>> vampirella is a brunette, not

>> vampirella is a brunette, not a blonde. This is supposed to be

A blonde. This is supposed to be

A blonde. This is supposed to be ghost.

Ghost.

Ghost. >> who is this woman over here

>> who is this woman over here

>> who is this woman over here supposed to be?

Supposed to be?

Supposed to be? >> scarlet witch.

>> scarlet witch.

>> scarlet witch. >> sure. Yeah.

>> sure. Yeah.

>> sure. Yeah. >> no. No. Scarlet witch does

>> no. No. Scarlet witch does

>> no. No. Scarlet witch does not have a bikini. She has a

Not have a bikini. She has a

Not have a bikini. She has a one-piece with a slit like that.

One-piece with a slit like that.

One-piece with a slit like that. >> can I see that badge again?

>> can I see that badge again?

>> can I see that badge again? >> how many of these women did

>> how many of these women did

>> how many of these women did you--

You--

You-- >> she has no blonde hair. Her

>> she has no blonde hair. Her

>> she has no blonde hair. Her eyes don't go doo-doo-doo-doo.

Eyes don't go doo-doo-doo-doo.

Eyes don't go doo-doo-doo-doo. >> how many of these prostitutes

>> how many of these prostitutes

>> how many of these prostitutes did you make whoopee with before

Did you make whoopee with before

Did you make whoopee with before you decided that they were

You decided that they were

You decided that they were inaccurate--

Inaccurate--

Inaccurate-- >> I had to try all of them.

>> I had to try all of them.

>> I had to try all of them. >> so you tried everyone, and

>> so you tried everyone, and

>> so you tried everyone, and then you decided on behalf of

Then you decided on behalf of

Then you decided on behalf of the better business bureau, "I'm

The better business bureau, "I'm

The better business bureau, "I'm going to file a complaint."

Going to file a complaint."

Going to file a complaint." >> but you fucked the whole

>> but you fucked the whole

>> but you fucked the whole hall of justice first.

Hall of justice first.

Hall of justice first. >> right.

>> right.

>> right. >> I think you came here to

>> I think you came here to

>> I think you came here to fuck vampirella.

Fuck vampirella.

Fuck vampirella. >> chocolate. Taste it.

>> chocolate. Taste it.

>> chocolate. Taste it. >> it's not--

>> it's not--

>> it's not-- >> it's chocolate.

>> it's chocolate.

>> it's chocolate. >> it's a chocolate badge, sir.

>> it's a chocolate badge, sir.

>> it's a chocolate badge, sir. >> excuse me! Uhh!

>> excuse me! Uhh!

>> excuse me! Uhh! >> oh, fuck, let him go.

>> oh, fuck, let him go.

>> oh, fuck, let him go. [thud]

[thud]

[thud] >> ow!

>> ow!

>> ow! >> hit the fence.

>> hit the fence.

>> hit the fence. >> is there some kind of

>> is there some kind of

>> is there some kind of convention in town or something?

Convention in town or something?

Convention in town or something? >> oh, dentists.

>> oh, dentists.

>> oh, dentists. >> oh!

>> oh!

>> oh! >> yeah. The dentists are in

>> yeah. The dentists are in

>> yeah. The dentists are in town.

Town.

Town. >> oh! Dentists are fucked

>> oh! Dentists are fucked

>> oh! Dentists are fucked up. Yeah.

Up. Yeah.

Up. Yeah. >> well, they got the best

>> well, they got the best

>> well, they got the best drugs.

Drugs.

Drugs. >> that's true.

[school bell rings]

[school bell rings]

[school bell rings] >> hey, kids. You guys are

>> hey, kids. You guys are

>> hey, kids. You guys are coming of age where things are

Coming of age where things are

Coming of age where things are blossoming and you'll find

Blossoming and you'll find

Blossoming and you'll find yourself, after gym class, that

Yourself, after gym class, that

Yourself, after gym class, that you're not feeling so fresh and

You're not feeling so fresh and

You're not feeling so fresh and that you'll want to take a

That you'll want to take a

That you'll want to take a shower. Now a lot of you feel

Shower. Now a lot of you feel

Shower. Now a lot of you feel that you're a little inadequate

That you're a little inadequate

That you're a little inadequate in the, um, you know, in your

In the, um, you know, in your

In the, um, you know, in your penis area, and you're a little

Penis area, and you're a little

Penis area, and you're a little scared, especially some of you--

Scared, especially some of you--

Scared, especially some of you-- probably the white boys here.

Probably the white boys here.

Probably the white boys here. You know, some of us come with

You know, some of us come with

You know, some of us come with a, you know, a bless--

A, you know, a bless--

A, you know, a bless-- >> oh, gosh, I hear the buses

>> oh, gosh, I hear the buses

>> oh, gosh, I hear the buses there. Listen. Vrrroom!

There. Listen. Vrrroom!

There. Listen. Vrrroom! [siren]

[siren]

[siren]

[siren] [alarm]

[alarm]

[alarm] >> this has gotta be an all-time

>> this has gotta be an all-time

>> this has gotta be an all-time record for a response, right?

Record for a response, right?

Record for a response, right? >> sheriff's department!

>> sheriff's department!

>> sheriff's department! Sheriff's department! Where'd

Sheriff's department! Where'd

Sheriff's department! Where'd they go? Where'd they go?

They go? Where'd they go?

They go? Where'd they go? Sheriff's department! We heard

Sheriff's department! We heard

Sheriff's department! We heard your alarm!

Your alarm!

Your alarm! >> hello? Hello!

>> hello? Hello!

>> hello? Hello! >> where'd they go?

>> where'd they go?

>> where'd they go? >> why are you waving your gun

>> why are you waving your gun

>> why are you waving your gun around?

Around?

Around? >> why is your alarm blaring?

>> why is your alarm blaring?

>> why is your alarm blaring? >> so sorry. I forgot to turn it

>> so sorry. I forgot to turn it

>> so sorry. I forgot to turn it off this morning when I came in

Off this morning when I came in

Off this morning when I came in to work.

To work.

To work. >> that's been blaring all day

>> that's been blaring all day

>> that's been blaring all day long?

Long?

Long? >> how long has that been going?

>> how long has that been going?

>> how long has that been going? >> since--maybe 7 hours.

>> since--maybe 7 hours.

>> since--maybe 7 hours. >> 6 or 7 hours. Hmm. Not a good

>> 6 or 7 hours. Hmm. Not a good

>> 6 or 7 hours. Hmm. Not a good response time for us, then,

Response time for us, then,

Response time for us, then, really.

Really.

Really. [tires squeal]

[tires squeal]

[tires squeal] [crash]

>> we take you now live for a

>> we take you now live for a

>> we take you now live for a statement from a representative

Statement from a representative

Statement from a representative for the reno sheriff's

For the reno sheriff's

For the reno sheriff's department.

Department.

Department. >> and then you--this far--doo,

>> and then you--this far--doo,

>> and then you--this far--doo, bam, bam. Then up, down, uh, uh,

Bam, bam. Then up, down, uh, uh,

Bam, bam. Then up, down, uh, uh, and then the, uh...

And then the, uh...

And then the, uh... >> then this part?

>> then this part?

>> then this part? >> no, no, no. It's this.

>> no, no, no. It's this.

>> no, no, no. It's this. >> oh. Ooh, ooh-ooh, pah!

>> oh. Ooh, ooh-ooh, pah!

>> oh. Ooh, ooh-ooh, pah! Ooh-ooh, pah! Pah!

Ooh-ooh, pah! Pah!

Ooh-ooh, pah! Pah! >> then it's this, but I think

>> then it's this, but I think

>> then it's this, but I think you have to go this way, like,

You have to go this way, like,

You have to go this way, like, if I go that way, 'cause I think

If I go that way, 'cause I think

If I go that way, 'cause I think that's how they had 2 lines.

That's how they had 2 lines.

That's how they had 2 lines. >> ok. Let's go from "pah"!

>> ok. Let's go from "pah"!

>> ok. Let's go from "pah"! >> ok.

>> ok.

>> ok. >> ooh, pah! Ooh-ooh, pah!

>> ooh, pah! Ooh-ooh, pah!

>> ooh, pah! Ooh-ooh, pah! >> deputy. Deputy, we're on the

>> deputy. Deputy, we're on the

>> deputy. Deputy, we're on the air. We're on the air now, live.

Air. We're on the air now, live.

Air. We're on the air now, live. >> yeah. You're right, you're

>> yeah. You're right, you're

>> yeah. You're right, you're right. It's double. It's double,

Right. It's double. It's double,

Right. It's double. It's double, double, walk it, walk it.

Double, walk it, walk it.

Double, walk it, walk it. Both: Double, double, walk it,

Both: Double, double, walk it,

Both: Double, double, walk it, walk it.

Walk it.

Walk it. >> we're on the air now. We're

>> we're on the air now. We're

>> we're on the air now. We're live.

Live.

Live. >> hello.

[brakes hiss]

[brakes hiss]

[brakes hiss] >> uhh! Nice. New brake pads.

>> uhh! Nice. New brake pads.

>> uhh! Nice. New brake pads. I'll tell ya, when lieutenant

I'll tell ya, when lieutenant

I'll tell ya, when lieutenant jimbo gets horny for a little

Jimbo gets horny for a little

Jimbo gets horny for a little chicken panang curry, you

Chicken panang curry, you

Chicken panang curry, you cannot beat the p&v thai

Cannot beat the p&v thai

Cannot beat the p&v thai barbecue seafood cafe. I'm not

Barbecue seafood cafe. I'm not

Barbecue seafood cafe. I'm not taking any more chances when it

Taking any more chances when it

Taking any more chances when it comes to bicycle security.

Comes to bicycle security.

Comes to bicycle security. [indistinct police radio

[indistinct police radio

[indistinct police radio dispatch]

Dispatch]

Dispatch] ounce of prevention.

Ounce of prevention.

Ounce of prevention. All right. Let's eat.

All right. Let's eat.

All right. Let's eat. ♪ bum-bum-bum-bum, rrrum,

♪ bum-bum-bum-bum, rrrum,

♪ bum-bum-bum-bum, rrrum, rrrum ♪

Rrrum ♪

Rrrum ♪ ah! What looks good today. Thank

Ah! What looks good today. Thank

Ah! What looks good today. Thank you so much. [sniffs] mm-mm-mm-

You so much. [sniffs] mm-mm-mm-

You so much. [sniffs] mm-mm-mm- mm-mmm!

Mm-mmm!

Mm-mmm! [dog barking]

>> I once saw a turkish guy in a

>> I once saw a turkish guy in a

>> I once saw a turkish guy in a petting zoo and I thought I'd

Petting zoo and I thought I'd

Petting zoo and I thought I'd seen it all.

Seen it all.

Seen it all. >> a turkish person at a petting

>> a turkish person at a petting

>> a turkish person at a petting zoo? What, was he in the petting

Zoo? What, was he in the petting

Zoo? What, was he in the petting zoo like an animal or petting

Zoo like an animal or petting

Zoo like an animal or petting the animals in the zoo?

The animals in the zoo?

The animals in the zoo? >> I don't know. He was just in

>> I don't know. He was just in

>> I don't know. He was just in there. I did touch him lightly

There. I did touch him lightly

There. I did touch him lightly on the back, just 'cause I

On the back, just 'cause I

On the back, just 'cause I wasn't sure.

Wasn't sure.

Wasn't sure. >> well, did he act like that's

>> well, did he act like that's

>> well, did he act like that's what he was there for?

What he was there for?

What he was there for? >> I said "excuse me" after I

>> I said "excuse me" after I

>> I said "excuse me" after I did it, just in case.

Did it, just in case.

Did it, just in case. >> oh, in case he wasn't there

>> oh, in case he wasn't there

>> oh, in case he wasn't there as part of the display. Hmm!

As part of the display. Hmm!

As part of the display. Hmm! >> he did eat some of the seed.

>> he did eat some of the seed.

>> he did eat some of the seed. He might have been a goat. It

He might have been a goat. It

He might have been a goat. It might have been a goat.

Might have been a goat.

Might have been a goat. >> oh! That you mistook for a

>> oh! That you mistook for a

>> oh! That you mistook for a turkish gentleman.

>> here he is. Now, ma'am, just

>> here he is. Now, ma'am, just

>> here he is. Now, ma'am, just walk away, walk away, walk away.

Walk away, walk away, walk away.

Walk away, walk away, walk away. >> hey, the lucky lady is a

>> hey, the lucky lady is a

>> hey, the lucky lady is a winner. That lucky lady was a

Winner. That lucky lady was a

Winner. That lucky lady was a winner.

Winner.

Winner. >> hey.

>> hey.

>> hey. >> yeah. That lucky lady was--

>> yeah. That lucky lady was--

>> yeah. That lucky lady was-- well, you know why we're here,

Well, you know why we're here,

Well, you know why we're here, don't you?

Don't you?

Don't you? >> to play the game?

>> to play the game?

>> to play the game? >> what's the game, sir?

>> what's the game, sir?

>> what's the game, sir? >> it's just the octopus game.

>> it's just the octopus game.

>> it's just the octopus game. >> the octopus game.

>> the octopus game.

>> the octopus game. >> shock the octopus with the

>> shock the octopus with the

>> shock the octopus with the money bomb.

Money bomb.

Money bomb. >> all right. I'm here. I've got

>> all right. I'm here. I've got

>> all right. I'm here. I've got a money bomb. I chuck a dime.

A money bomb. I chuck a dime.

A money bomb. I chuck a dime. What do I win, carl?

What do I win, carl?

What do I win, carl? >> you win a vacation to the

>> you win a vacation to the

>> you win a vacation to the buffalo fair.

Buffalo fair.

Buffalo fair. >> well, you know that the great

>> well, you know that the great

>> well, you know that the great spirit that runs this carnival--

Spirit that runs this carnival--

Spirit that runs this carnival-- >> really?

>> really?

>> really? >> yeah, mine. He's got a

>> yeah, mine. He's got a

>> yeah, mine. He's got a restraining order against you.

Restraining order against you.

Restraining order against you. He's asked you several times not

He's asked you several times not

He's asked you several times not to come out here.

To come out here.

To come out here. >> oh, yeah.

>> oh, yeah.

>> oh, yeah. >> you know--

>> you know--

>> you know-- >> we went to the giraffe safari

>> we went to the giraffe safari

>> we went to the giraffe safari down there at the world's fair

Down there at the world's fair

Down there at the world's fair in--

In--

In-- >> where's that?

>> where's that?

>> where's that? >> 1935.

>> 1935.

>> 1935. >> 1935 world's fair had a

>> 1935 world's fair had a

>> 1935 world's fair had a giraffe safari?

Giraffe safari?

Giraffe safari? >> that was in boston,

>> that was in boston,

>> that was in boston, massachusetts, down there by the

Massachusetts, down there by the

Massachusetts, down there by the water.

Water.

Water. >> yeah, that was a good world's

>> yeah, that was a good world's

>> yeah, that was a good world's fair.

Fair.

Fair. >> you look real good for a man

>> you look real good for a man

>> you look real good for a man of that age.

Of that age.

Of that age. >> oh, yeah, I take the lotions

>> oh, yeah, I take the lotions

>> oh, yeah, I take the lotions from the tv on the industrial

From the tv on the industrial

From the tv on the industrial commercials.

Commercials.

Commercials. >> hey, look what we won. We won

>> hey, look what we won. We won

>> hey, look what we won. We won chief carl.

Chief carl.

Chief carl. >> we won chief carl.

>> we won chief carl.

>> we won chief carl. >> look how big he is.

>> look how big he is.

>> look how big he is. >> that's the biggest prize of

>> that's the biggest prize of

>> that's the biggest prize of all. Come on.

All. Come on.

All. Come on. >> you have buffalo breath.

>> you have buffalo breath.

>> you have buffalo breath. That gets me dizzy! Aah! Aah! My

That gets me dizzy! Aah! Aah! My

That gets me dizzy! Aah! Aah! My eyeballs have gone to the back

Eyeballs have gone to the back

Eyeballs have gone to the back of my head!

Of my head!

Of my head! [siren]

[siren]

[siren]

[siren] [imitates playing the harmonica]

[imitates playing the harmonica]

[imitates playing the harmonica] >> ♪ wah wah wah wah wah wah ♪

>> ♪ wah wah wah wah wah wah ♪

>> ♪ wah wah wah wah wah wah ♪ >> [exhales] I'm bored. Come on,

>> [exhales] I'm bored. Come on,

>> [exhales] I'm bored. Come on, people. Do some shootin',

People. Do some shootin',

People. Do some shootin', killin', rapin'! Do something!

Killin', rapin'! Do something!

Killin', rapin'! Do something! Steal! Jaywalk! Anything! Uhh!

>> ♪ I'm a dragon slayer, I'm

>> ♪ I'm a dragon slayer, I'm

>> ♪ I'm a dragon slayer, I'm carl moore and I'm going to

Carl moore and I'm going to

Carl moore and I'm going to marry a troll ♪

Marry a troll ♪

Marry a troll ♪ >> hey. Hey, buddy.

>> hey. Hey, buddy.

>> hey. Hey, buddy. >> [imitates explosion] hey,

>> [imitates explosion] hey,

>> [imitates explosion] hey, guys.

Guys.

Guys. >> how are you doing?

>> how are you doing?

>> how are you doing? >> I'm good, man.

>> I'm good, man.

>> I'm good, man. >> yeah.

>> yeah.

>> yeah. >> I will take a--fine, good.

>> I will take a--fine, good.

>> I will take a--fine, good. Yeah. You're the winner.

Yeah. You're the winner.

Yeah. You're the winner. >> hey, this is--

>> hey, this is--

>> hey, this is-- >> whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no!

>> whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no!

>> whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no! Because--

Because--

Because-- >> 'cause what?

>> 'cause what?

>> 'cause what? >> that's pabst, sir. That's

>> that's pabst, sir. That's

>> that's pabst, sir. That's pabst blue ribbon, and you had a

Pabst blue ribbon, and you had a

Pabst blue ribbon, and you had a little too much of it. Now, now,

Little too much of it. Now, now,

Little too much of it. Now, now, now, you're good. You're good

Now, you're good. You're good

Now, you're good. You're good right here, sir.

Right here, sir.

Right here, sir. >> I won that? I won that?

>> I won that? I won that?

>> I won that? I won that? >> no, no, no, no. You didn't

>> no, no, no, no. You didn't

>> no, no, no, no. You didn't win any damsel. You didn't

Win any damsel. You didn't

Win any damsel. You didn't win any damsel.

Win any damsel.

Win any damsel. >> come on!

>> come on!

>> come on! >> hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa,

>> hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa,

>> hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. >> I just wanted some turkey.

>> I just wanted some turkey.

>> I just wanted some turkey. >> some turkey?

>> some turkey?

>> some turkey? >> I am a trained knight.

>> I am a trained knight.

>> I am a trained knight. >> can I get your mom's phone

>> can I get your mom's phone

>> can I get your mom's phone number?

Number?

Number? >> I had drunk--I had drinking

>> I had drunk--I had drinking

>> I had drunk--I had drinking training. Come on!

Training. Come on!

Training. Come on! >> sir, can I ask you something?

>> sir, can I ask you something?

>> sir, can I ask you something? >> come on!

>> come on!

>> come on! >> are you here with anybody or

>> are you here with anybody or

>> are you here with anybody or are you just walking around by

Are you just walking around by

Are you just walking around by yourself?

Yourself?

Yourself? >> I was--I was dropped off, ok?

>> I was--I was dropped off, ok?

>> I was--I was dropped off, ok? >> can anybody give me his

>> can anybody give me his

>> can anybody give me his parents' number?

Parents' number?

Parents' number? >> let me stay in front of the

>> let me stay in front of the

>> let me stay in front of the girl that I won. I was dropped

Girl that I won. I was dropped

Girl that I won. I was dropped off. I will be picked up. It

Off. I will be picked up. It

Off. I will be picked up. It doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter. >> by?

>> by?

>> by? >> they will pick m--who cares?

>> they will pick m--who cares?

>> they will pick m--who cares? >> by?

>> by?

>> by? >> by. Bye-bye.

>> by. Bye-bye.

>> by. Bye-bye. >> no. You were dropped off

>> no. You were dropped off

>> no. You were dropped off by--was it your mom?

By--was it your mom?

By--was it your mom? >> your moms?

>> your moms?

>> your moms? >> there is a patron to--I--

>> there is a patron to--I--

>> there is a patron to--I-- >> your mom.

>> your mom.

>> your mom. Come on. You know what we got?

Come on. You know what we got?

Come on. You know what we got? You know, when we take you back

You know, when we take you back

You know, when we take you back to the station--

To the station--

To the station-- >> yeah?

>> yeah?

>> yeah? >> we'll make you some coffee.

>> we'll make you some coffee.

>> we'll make you some coffee. We'll put in star trek ii.

We'll put in star trek ii.

We'll put in star trek ii. >> oh, man! When he's khan!

>> oh, man! When he's khan!

>> oh, man! When he's khan! >> yes, sure.

>> yes, sure.

>> yes, sure. >> oh, yeah. You know one thing

>> oh, yeah. You know one thing

>> oh, yeah. You know one thing I noticed? All these weird

I noticed? All these weird

I noticed? All these weird honkeys...

Honkeys...

Honkeys... Walking around with swords, they

Walking around with swords, they

Walking around with swords, they wouldn't let black fellas do

Wouldn't let black fellas do

Wouldn't let black fellas do that.

That.

That. >> no, they would not.

>> [humming]

>> [humming]

>> [humming] >> yes.

>> yes.

>> yes. Both: ♪ oh, my lord, lord,

Both: ♪ oh, my lord, lord,

Both: ♪ oh, my lord, lord, lord, lord ♪

Lord, lord ♪

Lord, lord ♪ >> I'm gonna take the harmony.

>> I'm gonna take the harmony.

>> I'm gonna take the harmony. >> good.

>> good.

>> good. Both: ♪ oh, my lord, lord,

Both: ♪ oh, my lord, lord,

Both: ♪ oh, my lord, lord, lord, lord ♪

Lord, lord ♪

Lord, lord ♪ >> uh...Oh, good lord in heaven,

>> uh...Oh, good lord in heaven,

>> uh...Oh, good lord in heaven, I want to thank you, uh...

I want to thank you, uh...

I want to thank you, uh... For giving me a police car that

For giving me a police car that

For giving me a police car that works, with its flashing lights

Works, with its flashing lights

Works, with its flashing lights and a siren that says you...

And a siren that says you...

And a siren that says you... [captioning made possible by

[captioning made possible by

[captioning made possible by mtv networks]

Mtv networks]

Mtv networks] [captioned by the national

[captioned by the national

[captioned by the national captioning institute

Captioning institute

Captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--]

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