Original subtitles

Dangle: What's happening?!

Dangle: What's happening?!

Dangle: What's happening?! What's happening?!

What's happening?!

What's happening?! >> jim, someone tried to kill

>> jim, someone tried to kill

>> jim, someone tried to kill the sheriff. I don't think--I

The sheriff. I don't think--I

The sheriff. I don't think--I don't think he's gonna make it.

Don't think he's gonna make it.

Don't think he's gonna make it. >> avenge my death.

>> avenge my death.

>> avenge my death. [heart monitor

[heart monitor

[heart monitor beeps steady tone]

Beeps steady tone]

Beeps steady tone] mrs. Chechekevitz: Thank you

Mrs. Chechekevitz: Thank you

Mrs. Chechekevitz: Thank you for coming.

For coming.

For coming. Junior: That's mrs.

Junior: That's mrs.

Junior: That's mrs. Chechekevitch? Who the hell's

Chechekevitch? Who the hell's

Chechekevitch? Who the hell's that fella with her?

That fella with her?

That fella with her? Dangle: Uh, ladies and

Dangle: Uh, ladies and

Dangle: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have our

Gentlemen, I believe we have our

Gentlemen, I believe we have our number one suspect.

Number one suspect.

Number one suspect. [shouting in armenian]

[shouting in armenian]

[shouting in armenian] >> uh...

>> uh...

>> uh... [jones blowing]

[jones blowing]

[jones blowing] >> what was your relationship

>> what was your relationship

>> what was your relationship like with walter?

Like with walter?

Like with walter? >> it was great.

>> it was great.

>> it was great. >> oh, was it? Was it great? It

>> oh, was it? Was it great? It

>> oh, was it? Was it great? It was great.

Was great.

Was great. >> yeah, it was great.

>> yeah, it was great.

>> yeah, it was great. >> yeah, he was a nice guy.

>> yeah, he was a nice guy.

>> yeah, he was a nice guy. >> yeah, he was nice.

>> yeah, he was nice.

>> yeah, he was nice. >> he was killed by peanuts.

>> he was killed by peanuts.

>> he was killed by peanuts. Delicious peanuts.

Delicious peanuts.

Delicious peanuts. [captioning made possible by

[captioning made possible by

[captioning made possible by mtv networks]

Mtv networks]

Mtv networks] dangle: Come on, she tricked me!

Dangle: Come on, she tricked me!

Dangle: Come on, she tricked me! It was a trick!

Williams: Whoa!

[tweet]

[tweet]

[tweet] kimball: All right, ok. I got

Kimball: All right, ok. I got

Kimball: All right, ok. I got him by the belt.

Wiegel: Get back in the

Wiegel: Get back in the

Wiegel: Get back in the building! No loitering!

>> aah! Ha!

[siren]

Dangle: All right, look alive,

Dangle: All right, look alive,

Dangle: All right, look alive, people. We know that sheriff

People. We know that sheriff

People. We know that sheriff chechekevitch is dead. What else

Chechekevitch is dead. What else

Chechekevitch is dead. What else do we know?

Do we know?

Do we know? >> coroner says definitely

>> coroner says definitely

>> coroner says definitely poison.

Poison.

Poison. >> wife has a $250,000 policy

>> wife has a $250,000 policy

>> wife has a $250,000 policy for her husband. She's the

For her husband. She's the

For her husband. She's the beneficiary.

Beneficiary.

Beneficiary. >> "seek whom the crime

>> "seek whom the crime

>> "seek whom the crime profits." what else do we know?

Profits." what else do we know?

Profits." what else do we know? >> uh, we also know that mrs.

>> uh, we also know that mrs.

>> uh, we also know that mrs. Chechekevitch's boyfriend is in

Chechekevitch's boyfriend is in

Chechekevitch's boyfriend is in the armenian mafia.

The armenian mafia.

The armenian mafia. Dangle: Uh-huh. Excellent

Dangle: Uh-huh. Excellent

Dangle: Uh-huh. Excellent people. And we know one other

People. And we know one other

People. And we know one other thing...

We know that we must avenge his

We know that we must avenge his

We know that we must avenge his death. No one interrupted me.

Death. No one interrupted me.

Death. No one interrupted me. That was wonderful. That was the

That was wonderful. That was the

That was wonderful. That was the first time I ever got to say

First time I ever got to say

First time I ever got to say something--

Something--

Something-- >> well, you weren't even

>> well, you weren't even

>> well, you weren't even talking to us. You were just

Talking to us. You were just

Talking to us. You were just talking to the camera.

Talking to the camera.

Talking to the camera. Dangle: No, I wasn't talking to

Dangle: No, I wasn't talking to

Dangle: No, I wasn't talking to the camera. I was talking to

The camera. I was talking to

The camera. I was talking to you.

You.

You. Wiegel: I actually thought you

Wiegel: I actually thought you

Wiegel: I actually thought you were gonna say--

Were gonna say--

Were gonna say-- >> I opened up to the camera.

>> I opened up to the camera.

>> I opened up to the camera. >> why'd you take your glasses

>> why'd you take your glasses

>> why'd you take your glasses off when you said that?

Off when you said that?

Off when you said that? >> 'cause it would look better

>> 'cause it would look better

>> 'cause it would look better for the camera.

For the camera.

For the camera. >> it felt like you were about

>> it felt like you were about

>> it felt like you were about to say something much more

To say something much more

To say something much more interesting.

Interesting.

Interesting. >> well, the sheriff asked us to

>> well, the sheriff asked us to

>> well, the sheriff asked us to avenge him--

Avenge him--

Avenge him-- >> I knew that.

>> I knew that.

>> I knew that. Junior: Can we go?

Junior: Can we go?

Junior: Can we go? >> yes, we can go. Jesus

>> yes, we can go. Jesus

>> yes, we can go. Jesus there's no reason to be a dick

There's no reason to be a dick

There's no reason to be a dick about it just 'cause I opened up

About it just 'cause I opened up

About it just 'cause I opened up to the camera.

To the camera.

To the camera. Garcia: Should we take our

Garcia: Should we take our

Garcia: Should we take our glasses off?

Glasses off?

Glasses off? >> it's weird to us when you

>> it's weird to us when you

>> it's weird to us when you talk to the camera. It's

Talk to the camera. It's

Talk to the camera. It's confusing to us.

Confusing to us.

Confusing to us. Johnson: Drama queen!

>> damn it...Darn it. Gosh,

>> damn it...Darn it. Gosh,

>> damn it...Darn it. Gosh, danner, darn it. This is

Danner, darn it. This is

Danner, darn it. This is outrageous. A man needs to be

Outrageous. A man needs to be

Outrageous. A man needs to be free to...This is--I'm--this is

Free to...This is--I'm--this is

Free to...This is--I'm--this is my job, so I just don't even

My job, so I just don't even

My job, so I just don't even know--I don't actually work

Know--I don't actually work

Know--I don't actually work here. I'm volunteering my time.

Here. I'm volunteering my time.

Here. I'm volunteering my time. My time is precious, as yours

My time is precious, as yours

My time is precious, as yours is, too, I'm sure. And I'm

Is, too, I'm sure. And I'm

Is, too, I'm sure. And I'm just--why would I do something

Just--why would I do something

Just--why would I do something if it wasn't helping people?, so

If it wasn't helping people?, so

If it wasn't helping people?, so if I'm bringing a little joy to

If I'm bringing a little joy to

If I'm bringing a little joy to a...To the carnival-goers, then

A...To the carnival-goers, then

A...To the carnival-goers, then sue me, huh? So, I have a

Sue me, huh? So, I have a

Sue me, huh? So, I have a license for this. This is...

License for this. This is...

License for this. This is... I'm a licensed handler of

I'm a licensed handler of

I'm a licensed handler of nature's oddity. Feel the snake.

Nature's oddity. Feel the snake.

Nature's oddity. Feel the snake. The snake--and this is what I do

The snake--and this is what I do

The snake--and this is what I do for...To help people, so I don't

For...To help people, so I don't

For...To help people, so I don't know why you're staring at me

Know why you're staring at me

Know why you're staring at me like that. Damn! Can't a man

Like that. Damn! Can't a man

Like that. Damn! Can't a man work in peace? People come up

Work in peace? People come up

Work in peace? People come up and they reach in under the

And they reach in under the

And they reach in under the curtain. You got to keep the

Curtain. You got to keep the

Curtain. You got to keep the curtain closed, though, so don't

Curtain closed, though, so don't

Curtain closed, though, so don't even look in there because the

Even look in there because the

Even look in there because the serpent is very sensitive to

Serpent is very sensitive to

Serpent is very sensitive to light. It's an albino. Reach in

Light. It's an albino. Reach in

Light. It's an albino. Reach in and if you grasp it, the snake

And if you grasp it, the snake

And if you grasp it, the snake grows rigid in your grasp! One

Grows rigid in your grasp! One

Grows rigid in your grasp! One of a kind! I know that look. You

Of a kind! I know that look. You

Of a kind! I know that look. You want to feel the nature's

Want to feel the nature's

Want to feel the nature's oddity, but you can't. It's

Oddity, but you can't. It's

Oddity, but you can't. It's women--it's really just for

Women--it's really just for

Women--it's really just for women only. Ow! Ok, see that

Women only. Ow! Ok, see that

Women only. Ow! Ok, see that hurts me when you do that. Ha ha

Hurts me when you do that. Ha ha

Hurts me when you do that. Ha ha ha! Could you hold this just for

Ha! Could you hold this just for

Ha! Could you hold this just for a second?

A second?

A second? >> hey, hey! Ho! Hey!

>> mrs. Chechekevitch, we do

>> mrs. Chechekevitch, we do

>> mrs. Chechekevitch, we do extend our deepest sympathies to

Extend our deepest sympathies to

Extend our deepest sympathies to you in this time of grief, and

You in this time of grief, and

You in this time of grief, and we hope that you are enjoying

We hope that you are enjoying

We hope that you are enjoying the mylar balloons and muffin

The mylar balloons and muffin

The mylar balloons and muffin basket that we sent to comfort

Basket that we sent to comfort

Basket that we sent to comfort you.

You.

You. >> yes, it was ok.

>> yes, it was ok.

>> yes, it was ok. >> mm-hmm. How are you getting

>> mm-hmm. How are you getting

>> mm-hmm. How are you getting along in your grief? We saw you

Along in your grief? We saw you

Along in your grief? We saw you doing shots at the bowling alley

Doing shots at the bowling alley

Doing shots at the bowling alley with a certain dark-skinned,

With a certain dark-skinned,

With a certain dark-skinned, swarthy man.

Swarthy man.

Swarthy man. >> walter always said, "life is

>> walter always said, "life is

>> walter always said, "life is for the living."

For the living."

For the living." >> what's interesting is that in

>> what's interesting is that in

>> what's interesting is that in death, you gonna end up having

Death, you gonna end up having

Death, you gonna end up having the best time of your life

The best time of your life

The best time of your life 'cause it turns out your husband

'cause it turns out your husband

'cause it turns out your husband had an insurance policy worth

Had an insurance policy worth

Had an insurance policy worth 250 what? Thousand dollars.

250 what? Thousand dollars.

250 what? Thousand dollars. Johnson: Hello. Somethin'

Johnson: Hello. Somethin'

Johnson: Hello. Somethin' stinks, all right? And it stinks

Stinks, all right? And it stinks

Stinks, all right? And it stinks like...

Like...

Like... Williams: Peroxide and...

Williams: Peroxide and...

Williams: Peroxide and... Johnson: Well, that...I just did

Johnson: Well, that...I just did

Johnson: Well, that...I just did that last night.

That last night.

That last night. Williams: Sorry.

Williams: Sorry.

Williams: Sorry. Johnson: Ok.

>> how's everyone's vagina

>> how's everyone's vagina

>> how's everyone's vagina today? Feeling good?

Today? Feeling good?

Today? Feeling good? >> great.

>> great.

>> great. [recording of whales singing]

[recording of whales singing]

[recording of whales singing] >> that rubbing you did on them

>> that rubbing you did on them

>> that rubbing you did on them last week was really great.

Last week was really great.

Last week was really great. >> [laughing] let's turn. Lot of

>> [laughing] let's turn. Lot of

>> [laughing] let's turn. Lot of people think sex is wrong.

People think sex is wrong.

People think sex is wrong. They're ashamed of it. It's

They're ashamed of it. It's

They're ashamed of it. It's nothing to be ashamed about.

Nothing to be ashamed about.

Nothing to be ashamed about. Nothing to be ashamed about at

Nothing to be ashamed about at

Nothing to be ashamed about at all. It's nature. It's

All. It's nature. It's

All. It's nature. It's beautiful. God created 69. You

Beautiful. God created 69. You

Beautiful. God created 69. You know, whales 69? People laugh at

Know, whales 69? People laugh at

Know, whales 69? People laugh at that, but it's true. They do.

That, but it's true. They do.

That, but it's true. They do. It's in nature. If it's in

It's in nature. If it's in

It's in nature. If it's in nature, it's beautiful.

Nature, it's beautiful.

Nature, it's beautiful. Fisting. And don't be afraid

Fisting. And don't be afraid

Fisting. And don't be afraid of the buttocks. Do not be

Of the buttocks. Do not be

Of the buttocks. Do not be afraid of the top of the

Afraid of the top of the

Afraid of the top of the buttocks.

Buttocks.

Buttocks. Wiegel: You feel that? I'm

Wiegel: You feel that? I'm

Wiegel: You feel that? I'm already...I'm sort of up your

Already...I'm sort of up your

Already...I'm sort of up your anus a little bit.

Anus a little bit.

Anus a little bit. >> that's ok. That's ok. A lot

>> that's ok. That's ok. A lot

>> that's ok. That's ok. A lot of nerve endings.

Of nerve endings.

Of nerve endings. >> let me ask you a question.

>> let me ask you a question.

>> let me ask you a question. You eat the dark piece of meat

You eat the dark piece of meat

You eat the dark piece of meat off the chicken?

Off the chicken?

Off the chicken? Wiegel: Raineesha, you're

Wiegel: Raineesha, you're

Wiegel: Raineesha, you're embarrassing me. I'm so sorry.

Embarrassing me. I'm so sorry.

Embarrassing me. I'm so sorry. >> you know what I'm in the

>> you know what I'm in the

>> you know what I'm in the middle of right now? A saucy

Middle of right now? A saucy

Middle of right now? A saucy sandwich, and I like it. I don't

Sandwich, and I like it. I don't

Sandwich, and I like it. I don't want to go anywhere.

Want to go anywhere.

Want to go anywhere. Wiegel: [gasp]

Wiegel: [gasp]

Wiegel: [gasp] >> what's wrong?

>> what's wrong?

>> what's wrong? >> oh, my god. I think my water

>> oh, my god. I think my water

>> oh, my god. I think my water just broke.

Just broke.

Just broke. >> whoa!

>> whoa!

>> whoa! >> trudy, did your water break?

>> trudy, did your water break?

>> trudy, did your water break? Wiegel: Oh, my god.

Wiegel: Oh, my god.

Wiegel: Oh, my god. Williams: Oh. My god. Oh, my

Williams: Oh. My god. Oh, my

Williams: Oh. My god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

God. Oh, my god.

God. Oh, my god. >> just breathe, relax.

>> just breathe, relax.

>> just breathe, relax. >> oh, wait. Hold on a second.

>> oh, wait. Hold on a second.

>> oh, wait. Hold on a second. Someone left a mountain dew

Someone left a mountain dew

Someone left a mountain dew here. It wasn't my water.

Garcia: Let's see what's goin'

Garcia: Let's see what's goin'

Garcia: Let's see what's goin' on. Calm down. We're here.

On. Calm down. We're here.

On. Calm down. We're here. >> this guy come by,

>> this guy come by,

>> this guy come by, trespassin' here on a Sunday.

Trespassin' here on a Sunday.

Trespassin' here on a Sunday. Garcia: Ok.

Garcia: Ok.

Garcia: Ok. >> yeah, I run my own business

>> yeah, I run my own business

>> yeah, I run my own business out of here, but I'm closed on

Out of here, but I'm closed on

Out of here, but I'm closed on sundays. I make that very clear

Sundays. I make that very clear

Sundays. I make that very clear to all my customers. And he came

To all my customers. And he came

To all my customers. And he came by here on a Sunday, trying to

By here on a Sunday, trying to

By here on a Sunday, trying to buy weed, and I said, "I'm

Buy weed, and I said, "I'm

Buy weed, and I said, "I'm closed on sundays, man!"

Closed on sundays, man!"

Closed on sundays, man!" garcia: Ho, whoa, whoa, whoa,

Garcia: Ho, whoa, whoa, whoa,

Garcia: Ho, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we take a look at your

Whoa. Can we take a look at your

Whoa. Can we take a look at your weed in there, sir?

Weed in there, sir?

Weed in there, sir? >> hell, no. I told you I'm

>> hell, no. I told you I'm

>> hell, no. I told you I'm closed on Sunday! Then you

Closed on Sunday! Then you

Closed on Sunday! Then you guys'd be trespassin'. I ought

Guys'd be trespassin'. I ought

Guys'd be trespassin'. I ought to citizen's arrest you right

To citizen's arrest you right

To citizen's arrest you right now. You gotta go arrest this

Now. You gotta go arrest this

Now. You gotta go arrest this guy for trespassin'.

Guy for trespassin'.

Guy for trespassin'. Garcia: Well, where is he?

Garcia: Well, where is he?

Garcia: Well, where is he? >> I'll fire you! You're fired!

>> I'll fire you! You're fired!

>> I'll fire you! You're fired! >> whoa.

>> whoa.

>> whoa. >> you're fired!

>> you're fired!

>> you're fired! >> keep your voice down, sir.

>> keep your voice down, sir.

>> keep your voice down, sir. >> I will not--freedom of

>> I will not--freedom of

>> I will not--freedom of speech! First amendment! You can

Speech! First amendment! You can

Speech! First amendment! You can yell as loud as you want!

Yell as loud as you want!

Yell as loud as you want! >> sir, I...

>> sir, I...

>> sir, I... >> what are you doin'?

>> what are you doin'?

>> what are you doin'? >> you can come with us

>> you can come with us

>> you can come with us peacefully.

Peacefully.

Peacefully. >> you can come with me

>> you can come with me

>> you can come with me peacefully.

Peacefully.

Peacefully. >> the hard way or the easy

>> the hard way or the easy

>> the hard way or the easy way, sir?

Way, sir?

Way, sir? >> I'm gonna arrest you and put

>> I'm gonna arrest you and put

>> I'm gonna arrest you and put you in my bathroom! How 'bout

You in my bathroom! How 'bout

You in my bathroom! How 'bout that?

That?

That? >> I can see the marijuana from

>> I can see the marijuana from

>> I can see the marijuana from here, sir. I can smell it.

Here, sir. I can smell it.

Here, sir. I can smell it. >> that's not even my good

>> that's not even my good

>> that's not even my good stuff. That's the ditch weed. I

Stuff. That's the ditch weed. I

Stuff. That's the ditch weed. I keep the good stuff in back with

Keep the good stuff in back with

Keep the good stuff in back with the cocaine. Rape! You're tryin'

The cocaine. Rape! You're tryin'

The cocaine. Rape! You're tryin' to rape me!

>> my name is scott greenberg. I

>> my name is scott greenberg. I

>> my name is scott greenberg. I am the district attorney, and

Am the district attorney, and

Am the district attorney, and I've been asked to say a few

I've been asked to say a few

I've been asked to say a few words for one of our finest,

Words for one of our finest,

Words for one of our finest, walter chenekevitz. Chekene--

Walter chenekevitz. Chekene--

Walter chenekevitz. Chekene-- chekenevits. Ok, cheke--

Chekenevits. Ok, cheke--

Chekenevits. Ok, cheke-- chekenevitz. Chenukevitz? Che--

Chekenevitz. Chenukevitz? Che--

Chekenevitz. Chenukevitz? Che-- the sheriff. I'd like to send my

The sheriff. I'd like to send my

The sheriff. I'd like to send my condolences out to, uh, the

Condolences out to, uh, the

Condolences out to, uh, the sheriff's lovely wife,

Sheriff's lovely wife,

Sheriff's lovely wife, mrs. Chekenevitz, and her

Mrs. Chekenevitz, and her

Mrs. Chekenevitz, and her boyfriend.

[siren]

>> [stilted] when jesus did his

>> [stilted] when jesus did his

>> [stilted] when jesus did his holy works, one was to raise a

Holy works, one was to raise a

Holy works, one was to raise a man from the dead. That man was

Man from the dead. That man was

Man from the dead. That man was named lazarus. And now, from

Named lazarus. And now, from

Named lazarus. And now, from police tek 2000, there's a

Police tek 2000, there's a

Police tek 2000, there's a bicycle lock that bears his

Bicycle lock that bears his

Bicycle lock that bears his name, and, yes, it is a miracle

Name, and, yes, it is a miracle

Name, and, yes, it is a miracle of bicycle safety. Let me show

Of bicycle safety. Let me show

Of bicycle safety. Let me show you, but not with these

You, but not with these

You, but not with these professional bolt cutters.

Professional bolt cutters.

Professional bolt cutters. >> [stilted] here's a shotgun,

>> [stilted] here's a shotgun,

>> [stilted] here's a shotgun, but wait. You're not gonna shoot

But wait. You're not gonna shoot

But wait. You're not gonna shoot it at that bike lock, are you?

It at that bike lock, are you?

It at that bike lock, are you? You'll break it.

You'll break it.

You'll break it. >> yes. A european bike lock

>> yes. A european bike lock

>> yes. A european bike lock would, but this is the police

Would, but this is the police

Would, but this is the police tek 2000 lazarus, made right

Tek 2000 lazarus, made right

Tek 2000 lazarus, made right here in north america. Just

Here in north america. Just

Here in north america. Just watch.

>> wow, it looks as good as if

>> wow, it looks as good as if

>> wow, it looks as good as if it had just come out of the

It had just come out of the

It had just come out of the original packaging.

Original packaging.

Original packaging. >> try this yourself if you

>> try this yourself if you

>> try this yourself if you don't believe me, but that's not

Don't believe me, but that's not

Don't believe me, but that's not all. Here. Hand me that lock,

All. Here. Hand me that lock,

All. Here. Hand me that lock, deputy.

Deputy.

Deputy. [zapping noise]

[zapping noise]

[zapping noise] >> yi! Fuck aah, gee! Fuck!

>> yi! Fuck aah, gee! Fuck!

>> yi! Fuck aah, gee! Fuck! But...Aah! God!

But...Aah! God!

But...Aah! God! >> that jolt and that burning

>> that jolt and that burning

>> that jolt and that burning smell tell you that lazarus's

Smell tell you that lazarus's

Smell tell you that lazarus's self-contained tasing system is

Self-contained tasing system is

Self-contained tasing system is working. So next time, make your

Working. So next time, make your

Working. So next time, make your bike lock the only one powerful

Bike lock the only one powerful

Bike lock the only one powerful enough to carry the name of the

Enough to carry the name of the

Enough to carry the name of the man that jesus rose from the

Man that jesus rose from the

Man that jesus rose from the dead--lazarus.

Dead--lazarus.

Dead--lazarus. Both: Your bike will think it's

Both: Your bike will think it's

Both: Your bike will think it's heavenly.

Heavenly.

Heavenly. [siren]

[siren]

[siren] [gunshot]

[gunshot]

[gunshot] >> what can I say about walter

>> what can I say about walter

>> what can I say about walter chemekevitz. He did say there

Chemekevitz. He did say there

Chemekevitz. He did say there are 16 points that you should

Are 16 points that you should

Are 16 points that you should follow to be a good district

Follow to be a good district

Follow to be a good district attorney. Number one: Hygiene.

Attorney. Number one: Hygiene.

Attorney. Number one: Hygiene. Hygiene was very important to

Hygiene was very important to

Hygiene was very important to walter chenokevitz. Brush your

Walter chenokevitz. Brush your

Walter chenokevitz. Brush your teeth, wash, trim. Number 8:

Teeth, wash, trim. Number 8:

Teeth, wash, trim. Number 8: Always use oil paint in a

Always use oil paint in a

Always use oil paint in a bathroom. Now, I had made the

Bathroom. Now, I had made the

Bathroom. Now, I had made the mistake of asking leo's--

Mistake of asking leo's--

Mistake of asking leo's-- walter's--

>> you were always someone that

>> you were always someone that

>> you were always someone that I held in the highest regard and

I held in the highest regard and

I held in the highest regard and had a great deal of respect for.

Had a great deal of respect for.

Had a great deal of respect for. >> why, thank you, sheriff.

>> why, thank you, sheriff.

>> why, thank you, sheriff. >> what was your first name

>> what was your first name

>> what was your first name again?

Again?

Again? >> jim.

>> jim.

>> jim. >> jim. Yeah, jim. Jim.

>> jim. Yeah, jim. Jim.

>> jim. Yeah, jim. Jim. >> oh, god, wait. Wait. There

>> oh, god, wait. Wait. There

>> oh, god, wait. Wait. There was something really important I

Was something really important I

Was something really important I was meaning to ask you. Who

Was meaning to ask you. Who

Was meaning to ask you. Who killed you?

Killed you?

Killed you? >> I really don't know.

>> I really don't know.

>> I really don't know. >> oh, that would've been so

>> oh, that would've been so

>> oh, that would've been so good if you knew. Is this the

Good if you knew. Is this the

Good if you knew. Is this the first sign that I'm gonna be

First sign that I'm gonna be

First sign that I'm gonna be haunted by you for years?

Haunted by you for years?

Haunted by you for years? >> perhaps.

>> perhaps.

>> perhaps. >> perhaps. If we could get some

>> perhaps. If we could get some

>> perhaps. If we could get some sort of scrooge and marley

Sort of scrooge and marley

Sort of scrooge and marley relationship going on that's

Relationship going on that's

Relationship going on that's like sort of date-specific.

Like sort of date-specific.

Like sort of date-specific. 'cause I just don't want to

'cause I just don't want to

'cause I just don't want to generally--never, you know, go

Generally--never, you know, go

Generally--never, you know, go to bed every night not knowing,

To bed every night not knowing,

To bed every night not knowing, "oh, is the sheriff walking the

"oh, is the sheriff walking the

"oh, is the sheriff walking the earth?"

Earth?"

Earth?" >> I'll get back to you on that

>> I'll get back to you on that

>> I'll get back to you on that because I...I need to get my

Because I...I need to get my

Because I...I need to get my calendar in order. I think you

Calendar in order. I think you

Calendar in order. I think you understand that.

Understand that.

Understand that. >> ok, now you're mad.

>> ok, now you're mad.

>> ok, now you're mad. Greenberg: Now, number 10 is a

Greenberg: Now, number 10 is a

Greenberg: Now, number 10 is a tricky one because it's kind of

Tricky one because it's kind of

Tricky one because it's kind of a 10-a, kind of 10-b thing.

A 10-a, kind of 10-b thing.

A 10-a, kind of 10-b thing. So I'll start with 10-a.

So I'll start with 10-a.

So I'll start with 10-a. Now, 10-a is, "never let your

Now, 10-a is, "never let your

Now, 10-a is, "never let your hair get below shoulder length."

Hair get below shoulder length."

Hair get below shoulder length." >> [gasp]

>> [gasp]

>> [gasp] hi!

Hi!

Hi! >> how are you?

>> how are you?

>> how are you? >> I'm ok. How are you?

>> I'm ok. How are you?

>> I'm ok. How are you? >> beautiful day, isn't it?

>> beautiful day, isn't it?

>> beautiful day, isn't it? >> it is. Hey, have you seen my

>> it is. Hey, have you seen my

>> it is. Hey, have you seen my mom?

Mom?

Mom? >> you mean today?

>> you mean today?

>> you mean today? >> yeah, just sort of hovering

>> yeah, just sort of hovering

>> yeah, just sort of hovering about or whatever? She's

About or whatever? She's

About or whatever? She's actually...I don't know that

Actually...I don't know that

Actually...I don't know that she's up there necessarily.

She's up there necessarily.

She's up there necessarily. >> well, I--I would--we're all

>> well, I--I would--we're all

>> well, I--I would--we're all up there in a way.

Up there in a way.

Up there in a way. >> well, in other words, no, you

>> well, in other words, no, you

>> well, in other words, no, you haven't seen her 'cause she's in

Haven't seen her 'cause she's in

Haven't seen her 'cause she's in hell.

Hell.

Hell. >> but I may see her.

>> but I may see her.

>> but I may see her. >> don't worry. You don't have

>> don't worry. You don't have

>> don't worry. You don't have to...

To...

To... >> I may see her soon.

>> I may see her soon.

>> I may see her soon. >> you're not gonna see her.

>> you're not gonna see her.

>> you're not gonna see her. >> I notice you're great with

>> I notice you're great with

>> I notice you're great with child.

Child.

Child. >> I am great with child. This

>> I am great with child. This

>> I am great with child. This is my thing about childhood,

Is my thing about childhood,

Is my thing about childhood, about raising a child. Someday

About raising a child. Someday

About raising a child. Someday when my kid grows up and learns

When my kid grows up and learns

When my kid grows up and learns to resent me and hate me, I can

To resent me and hate me, I can

To resent me and hate me, I can go, "you know what?" my eyes

Go, "you know what?" my eyes

Go, "you know what?" my eyes filled with tears, and I have

Filled with tears, and I have

Filled with tears, and I have cold cream all over my face

Cold cream all over my face

Cold cream all over my face probably, and I'm in my

Probably, and I'm in my

Probably, and I'm in my nightgown 'cause he--I was

Nightgown 'cause he--I was

Nightgown 'cause he--I was waiting up all night for him

Waiting up all night for him

Waiting up all night for him to come home.

To come home.

To come home. >> you're in your nightie.

>> you're in your nightie.

>> you're in your nightie. >> he didn't come home. He took

>> he didn't come home. He took

>> he didn't come home. He took my god damn car,

My god damn car,

My god damn car, and I'm waiting,

And I'm waiting,

And I'm waiting, and he doesn't come home, and he

And he doesn't come home, and he

And he doesn't come home, and he finally comes home, and there I

Finally comes home, and there I

Finally comes home, and there I am in a chair in a dark corner

Am in a chair in a dark corner

Am in a chair in a dark corner with a cigarette and a bourbon,

With a cigarette and a bourbon,

With a cigarette and a bourbon, and I go...

And I go...

And I go... >> bourbon on the rocks?

>> bourbon on the rocks?

>> bourbon on the rocks? >> "you know what? I did the

>> "you know what? I did the

>> "you know what? I did the best I could."

Best I could."

Best I could." >> now, that's sayin' a lot.

>> now, that's sayin' a lot.

>> now, that's sayin' a lot. >> yeah. I can't wait. I'm so

>> yeah. I can't wait. I'm so

>> yeah. I can't wait. I'm so excited.

Excited.

Excited. Greenberg: And I'm like, "what

Greenberg: And I'm like, "what

Greenberg: And I'm like, "what is that? Is that a jet pack?"

Is that? Is that a jet pack?"

Is that? Is that a jet pack?" and he said, "no, it's a rocket

And he said, "no, it's a rocket

And he said, "no, it's a rocket belt." so I'm out with walter,

Belt." so I'm out with walter,

Belt." so I'm out with walter, and we're at the park, and we're

And we're at the park, and we're

And we're at the park, and we're gonna test the jet pack.

Gonna test the jet pack.

Gonna test the jet pack. Sorry--rocket belt. And, uh, the

Sorry--rocket belt. And, uh, the

Sorry--rocket belt. And, uh, the thing goes off. You know, I have

Thing goes off. You know, I have

Thing goes off. You know, I have to light it. He's...You know,

To light it. He's...You know,

To light it. He's...You know, it's made of...Is it butane?

[rock music playing]

♪she's my cherry pie,

♪she's my cherry pie,

♪she's my cherry pie, cold till you warm it,

Cold till you warm it,

Cold till you warm it, such a sweet surprise,

Such a sweet surprise,

Such a sweet surprise, tastes so good

Tastes so good

Tastes so good make a grown man cry,

Make a grown man cry,

Make a grown man cry, sweet cherry pie, oh, yeah,

Sweet cherry pie, oh, yeah,

Sweet cherry pie, oh, yeah, she's my cherry pie,

She's my cherry pie,

She's my cherry pie, smile on your face

Smile on your face

Smile on your face 10 miles wide,

10 miles wide,

10 miles wide, looks so good

Looks so good

Looks so good bring a tear to your eye,

Bring a tear to your eye,

Bring a tear to your eye, sweet cherry pie-yi-I-I,

Sweet cherry pie-yi-I-I,

Sweet cherry pie-yi-I-I, ah-ah-I,

Ah-ah-I,

Ah-ah-I, oh, swing it ♪

>> now a reading of the road

>> now a reading of the road

>> now a reading of the road less traveled by robert fropps.

Less traveled by robert fropps.

Less traveled by robert fropps. May I please ask deputy travis

May I please ask deputy travis

May I please ask deputy travis junior to come on up?

>> [whispering] I got a boner.

>> [whispering] I got a boner.

>> [whispering] I got a boner. Dangle: What do you mean?

Dangle: What do you mean?

Dangle: What do you mean? You have a boner?

You have a boner?

You have a boner? >> yeah.

>> yeah.

>> yeah. >> like a boner boner?

>> like a boner boner?

>> like a boner boner? >> yeah.

>> yeah.

>> yeah. >> right now?

>> right now?

>> right now? >> right now.

>> right now.

>> right now. >> from the speech?

>> from the speech?

>> from the speech? >> what speech?

>> you actually got a boner?

>> you actually got a boner?

>> you actually got a boner? >> yeah. Somebody else read the

>> yeah. Somebody else read the

>> yeah. Somebody else read the poem.

Poem.

Poem. Jones: I've got a boner.

Jones: I've got a boner.

Jones: I've got a boner. Dangle: You practiced.

Dangle: You practiced.

Dangle: You practiced. Greenberg: Here we go. Thank

Greenberg: Here we go. Thank

Greenberg: Here we go. Thank you.

You.

You. >> [muttering]

[siren]

[siren]

[siren]

[siren] [gunshot]

[gunshot]

[gunshot] >> oh, hey, garcia. Um, I meant

>> oh, hey, garcia. Um, I meant

>> oh, hey, garcia. Um, I meant to tell you, uh, in the

To tell you, uh, in the

To tell you, uh, in the sheriff's, uh, will, he had some

Sheriff's, uh, will, he had some

Sheriff's, uh, will, he had some requests.

Requests.

Requests. >> ok.

>> ok.

>> ok. >> and he specifically

>> and he specifically

>> and he specifically requested, uh, who his

Requested, uh, who his

Requested, uh, who his pallbearers would be.

Pallbearers would be.

Pallbearers would be. >> ok, great.

>> ok, great.

>> ok, great. >> and he requested that you not

>> and he requested that you not

>> and he requested that you not be one. Um, but he had a very,

Be one. Um, but he had a very,

Be one. Um, but he had a very, very good reason for that. It

Very good reason for that. It

Very good reason for that. It was that he hated mexicans.

Was that he hated mexicans.

Was that he hated mexicans. Sorry about that. There was some

Sorry about that. There was some

Sorry about that. There was some wording in the will. He said

Wording in the will. He said

Wording in the will. He said specifically, he said, "if

Specifically, he said, "if

Specifically, he said, "if there's mexicans there..."

There's mexicans there..."

There's mexicans there..." >> yeah.

>> yeah.

>> yeah. >> it wasn't as offensive on

>> it wasn't as offensive on

>> it wasn't as offensive on paper. It didn't look that

Paper. It didn't look that

Paper. It didn't look that offensive.

Offensive.

Offensive. >> yeah.

>> yeah.

>> yeah. >> he just thought that mexicans

>> he just thought that mexicans

>> he just thought that mexicans might steal from his dead body

Might steal from his dead body

Might steal from his dead body if they were allowed to be close

If they were allowed to be close

If they were allowed to be close to it, so...

To it, so...

To it, so... >> yeah.

>> yeah.

>> yeah. >> don't take it the wrong way.

>> don't take it the wrong way.

>> don't take it the wrong way. You seem upset.

You seem upset.

You seem upset. >> no, I'm ok.

>> no, I'm ok.

>> no, I'm ok. >> it's ok. You're part of

>> it's ok. You're part of

>> it's ok. You're part of the...You're part of the

The...You're part of the

The...You're part of the ceremony, too. You're just not

Ceremony, too. You're just not

Ceremony, too. You're just not allowed to touch the coffin.

Allowed to touch the coffin.

Allowed to touch the coffin. >> I'm gonna have a good time.

>> I'm gonna have a good time.

>> I'm gonna have a good time. >> he just didn't want mexicans

>> he just didn't want mexicans

>> he just didn't want mexicans touching the coffin...

Touching the coffin...

Touching the coffin... >> that's ok, jim.

>> that's ok, jim.

>> that's ok, jim. >> unless they were washing it.

>> unless they were washing it.

>> unless they were washing it. He was very specific in what his

He was very specific in what his

He was very specific in what his notes were.

Notes were.

Notes were. >> yeah, that's ok.

>> yeah, that's ok.

>> yeah, that's ok. >> you all right?

>> you all right?

>> you all right? >> I'm all right.

>> I'm all right.

>> I'm all right. >> you want a hug? You sure?

>> you want a hug? You sure?

>> you want a hug? You sure? [playing taps]

[playing taps]

[playing taps] dangle: 5, 6, 7 and 8.

Dangle: 5, 6, 7 and 8.

Dangle: 5, 6, 7 and 8. And right.

And...Feet.

On your mark...Lift.

On your mark...Lift.

On your mark...Lift. [clang]

Kimball: Is your side slippery?

Kimball: Is your side slippery?

Kimball: Is your side slippery? >> it's very slippery. Very

>> it's very slippery. Very

>> it's very slippery. Very slippery.

[playing taps]

[playing taps]

[playing taps] >> ow! Shit! Fuck!

>> ow! Shit! Fuck!

>> ow! Shit! Fuck! Fuck

Fuck

Fuck

Fuck dangle: Ready? From the top?

Dangle: Ready? From the top?

Dangle: Ready? From the top? >> yeah.

>> yeah.

>> yeah. [straining]

[straining]

[straining] >> it might do it. Shit.

>> it might do it. Shit.

>> it might do it. Shit. [everyone gasps]

Dangle: Company! Pre--

Dangle: Company! Pre--

Dangle: Company! Pre-- present! Ok, huddle up. Huddle

Present! Ok, huddle up. Huddle

Present! Ok, huddle up. Huddle up. It's really,

Up. It's really,

Up. It's really, really fucking slippery.

Really fucking slippery.

Really fucking slippery. Junior: Somebody greased it or

Junior: Somebody greased it or

Junior: Somebody greased it or something.

Something.

Something. Johnson: It's greasy, and it's

Johnson: It's greasy, and it's

Johnson: It's greasy, and it's hot.

Hot.

Hot. Kimball: I don't know if it's

Kimball: I don't know if it's

Kimball: I don't know if it's bacon grease or what the hell it

Bacon grease or what the hell it

Bacon grease or what the hell it is.

Is.

Is. Dangle: Uh, can we just leave

Dangle: Uh, can we just leave

Dangle: Uh, can we just leave it? [shouting orders]

Lift!

Lift!

Lift! [playing taps]

That way. That way. That way.

That way. That way. That way.

That way. That way. That way. Lose the thing!

Lose the thing!

Lose the thing! [all screaming]

[all screaming]

[all screaming] dangle: Shh! Shh!

Johnson: Help, help, help, help.

Johnson: Help, help, help, help.

Johnson: Help, help, help, help. Dangle: It's on jones.

Dangle: It's on jones.

Dangle: It's on jones. Jones: Ow!

Jones: Ow!

Jones: Ow! Dangle: It's on him.

Dangle: It's on him.

Dangle: It's on him. Jones: Aah! Aah! It's ok. It's

Jones: Aah! Aah! It's ok. It's

Jones: Aah! Aah! It's ok. It's ok. Just push it.

Ok. Just push it.

Ok. Just push it. Johnson: That's good.

Johnson: That's good.

Johnson: That's good. Jones: I'll just stay here.

Dangle: At ease!

Dangle: At ease!

Dangle: At ease! [siren]

[siren]

[siren]

[siren] [gunshot]

[gunshot]

[gunshot] >> sheriff chechekevitch was a

>> sheriff chechekevitch was a

>> sheriff chechekevitch was a born leader. He was a hero. He

Born leader. He was a hero. He

Born leader. He was a hero. He was not afraid to take the wheel

Was not afraid to take the wheel

Was not afraid to take the wheel even if he was way to fucked to

Even if he was way to fucked to

Even if he was way to fucked to drive.

Drive.

Drive. >> and he was in the passenger

>> and he was in the passenger

>> and he was in the passenger seat. He did it on many

Seat. He did it on many

Seat. He did it on many occasions. He would grab the

Occasions. He would grab the

Occasions. He would grab the wheel like a maniac, and you

Wheel like a maniac, and you

Wheel like a maniac, and you would have to slap at him to get

Would have to slap at him to get

Would have to slap at him to get him to let go. He used to do a

Him to let go. He used to do a

Him to let go. He used to do a lot of drugs.

Lot of drugs.

Lot of drugs. >> lot of drugs.

>> fellas.

>> fellas.

>> fellas. Jones: Hey.

Jones: Hey.

Jones: Hey. >> new evidence. This is

>> new evidence. This is

>> new evidence. This is actually surveillance footage

Actually surveillance footage

Actually surveillance footage from the sheriff's department.

From the sheriff's department.

From the sheriff's department. It's worth takin' a look at.

Pretty interesting.

Pretty interesting.

Pretty interesting. Dangle: That's our nut parade

Dangle: That's our nut parade

Dangle: That's our nut parade machine, right?

Machine, right?

Machine, right? Junior: Yep.

Junior: Yep.

Junior: Yep. Dangle: The one right in the

Dangle: The one right in the

Dangle: The one right in the break room.

Break room.

Break room. Lab technician: Right.

Lab technician: Right.

Lab technician: Right. Junior: The one with the picture

Junior: The one with the picture

Junior: The one with the picture of all the peanuts on every bar.

Of all the peanuts on every bar.

Of all the peanuts on every bar. Dangle: Wasn't he deathly

Dangle: Wasn't he deathly

Dangle: Wasn't he deathly allergic to peanuts?

Junior: New theory...

Junior: New theory...

Junior: New theory... Dangle: Yeah?

Dangle: Yeah?

Dangle: Yeah? >> sheriff chechekevitch is just

>> sheriff chechekevitch is just

>> sheriff chechekevitch is just a fucking idiot...Was.

A fucking idiot...Was.

A fucking idiot...Was. >> we kind of knew that. I'm not

>> we kind of knew that. I'm not

>> we kind of knew that. I'm not sure how you avenge...

Sure how you avenge...

Sure how you avenge... Lab technician: Sort of

Lab technician: Sort of

Lab technician: Sort of changes...

Changes...

Changes... Dangle: Yeah, yeah.

Dangle: Yeah, yeah.

Dangle: Yeah, yeah. >> you know, nut parade bar

>> you know, nut parade bar

>> you know, nut parade bar commercials just talks about

Commercials just talks about

Commercials just talks about nothin' but peanuts.

Nothin' but peanuts.

Nothin' but peanuts. >> parade of peanuts.

>> parade of peanuts.

>> parade of peanuts. >> parade of peanuts.

>> parade of peanuts.

>> parade of peanuts. >> like peanuts had a parade in

>> like peanuts had a parade in

>> like peanuts had a parade in your mouth.

Your mouth.

Your mouth. Garcia: "every bar is the

Garcia: "every bar is the

Garcia: "every bar is the 4th of July."

4th of July."

4th of July." dangle: Yeah. Peanuts had a

Dangle: Yeah. Peanuts had a

Dangle: Yeah. Peanuts had a parade. ♪ if peanuts had

Parade. ♪ if peanuts had

Parade. ♪ if peanuts had a parade in your mouth,

A parade in your mouth,

A parade in your mouth, it would be a nut parade ♪

It would be a nut parade ♪

It would be a nut parade ♪ >> yeah.

>> yeah.

>> yeah. >> ♪ if peanuts had a parade

>> ♪ if peanuts had a parade

>> ♪ if peanuts had a parade in your mouth ♪

In your mouth ♪

In your mouth ♪ >> we know how the fucking

>> we know how the fucking

>> we know how the fucking commercial goes.

Commercial goes.

Commercial goes. Lab technician: [laughing]

Lab technician: [laughing]

Lab technician: [laughing] "parade in your mouth." that'd

"parade in your mouth." that'd

"parade in your mouth." that'd be fun.

Be fun.

Be fun. >> just for a second, forget

>> just for a second, forget

>> just for a second, forget that we're officers of the law.

That we're officers of the law.

That we're officers of the law. We're just buddies in a room.

We're just buddies in a room.

We're just buddies in a room. >> we're homies, which we are.

>> we're homies, which we are.

>> we're homies, which we are. We are.

We are.

We are. >> are you stoned? Are you

>> are you stoned? Are you

>> are you stoned? Are you stoned right now?

Stoned right now?

Stoned right now? >> ha ha! On pot?

>> ha ha! On pot?

>> ha ha! On pot? >> yeah.

>> yeah.

>> yeah. >> yeah. It's the medical

>> yeah. It's the medical

>> yeah. It's the medical marijuana that I bought from an

Marijuana that I bought from an

Marijuana that I bought from an aids guy.

Aids guy.

Aids guy. Dangle: You bought it from an

Dangle: You bought it from an

Dangle: You bought it from an aids guy?

Aids guy?

Aids guy? Garcia: This is nevada, not

Garcia: This is nevada, not

Garcia: This is nevada, not fucking willy wonkaville.

Dangle: Is that enough c-4 to

Dangle: Is that enough c-4 to

Dangle: Is that enough c-4 to do it?

Do it?

Do it? Junior: It's all we got.

Junior: It's all we got.

Junior: It's all we got. Dangle: Ok.

Dangle: Ok.

Dangle: Ok. [captioning made possible by

[captioning made possible by

[captioning made possible by mtv networks]

Mtv networks]

Mtv networks] [captioned by the national

[captioned by the national

[captioned by the national captioning institute

Captioning institute

Captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--]

>> that's it.

>> that's it.

>> that's it. >> everybody ready?

>> everybody ready?

>> everybody ready? >> for sheriff chechekevitch.

Junior: Good job. Really, really

Junior: Good job. Really, really

Junior: Good job. Really, really well done.

Well done.

Well done. Williams: Rest in peace, walter.

Williams: Rest in peace, walter.

Williams: Rest in peace, walter. [all screaming]

[all screaming]

[all screaming] dangle: Damn it!

Dangle: Damn it!

Dangle: Damn it! Johnson: Oh, it's in my ear! Get

Johnson: Oh, it's in my ear! Get

Johnson: Oh, it's in my ear! Get out! Get out! Get out!

Out! Get out! Get out!

Out! Get out! Get out! Garcia: It's out, it's out,

Garcia: It's out, it's out,

Garcia: It's out, it's out, it's out! Whoo!

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