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1
00:00:03,736 --> 00:00:04,769
[school bell ringing]
2
00:00:04,770 --> 00:00:06,404
- That's right,
sniff the drug hound.
3
00:00:06,405 --> 00:00:10,542
If you use a water pistol
that looks like a real pistol,
4
00:00:10,543 --> 00:00:13,878
You're the one that's
gonna be...All wet.
5
00:00:13,879 --> 00:00:16,681
Safety and common sense.
6
00:00:16,682 --> 00:00:19,484
Common sense.
Common sense.
7
00:00:19,485 --> 00:00:21,018
Now, if I could have questions--
8
00:00:21,019 --> 00:00:21,953
[electricity buzzes]
9
00:00:23,088 --> 00:00:24,022
- [sniff the drug hound
whimpers]
10
00:00:29,995 --> 00:00:31,263
- Are you ok?
11
00:00:33,699 --> 00:00:34,799
- Whoo!
- Come here!
12
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,067
[siren]
13
00:00:37,736 --> 00:00:39,337
- What?
- Oh, no. No. Oh.
14
00:00:42,274 --> 00:00:43,274
[tires screeching]
15
00:00:46,646 --> 00:00:47,812
- Go, go, go!
16
00:00:47,813 --> 00:00:48,746
[electricity buzzes]
17
00:00:58,123 --> 00:00:59,124
- Aah!
18
00:01:00,292 --> 00:01:02,193
[machine gun firing]
- ha ha ha ha!
19
00:01:04,730 --> 00:01:06,898
- Hey, where--
- oh, sorry, sorry!
20
00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:12,704
- Ooh.
[siren, tires squeal]
21
00:01:12,705 --> 00:01:15,640
Captioning made possible
by mtv networks
22
00:01:17,209 --> 00:01:20,245
- Turns out it was just a dildo,
but it looked like a gun.
23
00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:21,312
- Oh, yeah.
24
00:01:21,313 --> 00:01:22,881
- At the lab they said, "dildo."
25
00:01:22,882 --> 00:01:26,451
Ok! Hey, excellent news, gang.
26
00:01:26,452 --> 00:01:32,590
Uh, the television program "csi"
is coming to film here in town.
27
00:01:32,591 --> 00:01:34,425
- Wow.
- Isn't that amazing?
28
00:01:34,426 --> 00:01:36,428
- Are they gonna use
any of us in it?
29
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:37,962
- No, but they need security.
30
00:01:37,963 --> 00:01:40,831
What you get is time and a half.
31
00:01:40,832 --> 00:01:41,633
- What are we supposed to do?
32
00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:43,568
- Security!
On the set. Simple.
33
00:01:43,569 --> 00:01:45,737
- Like, what do we have
to actually do, though?
34
00:01:45,738 --> 00:01:47,305
- How many times can I say
security on the set?
35
00:01:47,306 --> 00:01:49,474
Did I say it twice or 3 times?
Now it'll be 3.
36
00:01:49,475 --> 00:01:51,776
- What are we securing?
What are we securing?
37
00:01:51,777 --> 00:01:54,913
- Security on the set!
- Did she scream at me?
38
00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:56,648
- This is why we don't allow you
to have 7 doughnuts usually.
39
00:01:56,649 --> 00:01:58,450
- I'm all hyped up on sugar
a little bit.
40
00:01:58,451 --> 00:01:59,450
- You're freaking out.
41
00:01:59,451 --> 00:02:00,418
- I'm sorry I yelled.
42
00:02:06,158 --> 00:02:07,759
- Uh, we're just coming
around the neighborhood.
43
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,460
Wanted to let you know that
44
00:02:09,461 --> 00:02:13,364
The popular television
crime drama "csi"
45
00:02:13,365 --> 00:02:16,033
Is gonna be filming right here
in the neighborhood.
46
00:02:16,034 --> 00:02:19,571
There is going to be
some gunfire.
47
00:02:19,572 --> 00:02:21,806
Ok? So don't freak out.
Don't go calling the cops.
48
00:02:21,807 --> 00:02:22,807
There'll be some gunfire.
49
00:02:22,808 --> 00:02:24,542
- Please don't call us.
- Right.
50
00:02:24,543 --> 00:02:25,710
- Cause we already
know about it.
51
00:02:30,483 --> 00:02:31,582
- Hang onto that.
- Ok.
52
00:02:31,583 --> 00:02:32,517
- Hang onto that.
53
00:02:33,586 --> 00:02:35,320
- Yep.
- Thank you.
54
00:02:38,224 --> 00:02:39,724
- It's not me.
There's more of them around lately, right?
55
00:02:39,725 --> 00:02:40,725
- There's more of 'em
around, and I...
56
00:02:40,726 --> 00:02:42,393
- Is it me?
- No, it isn't.
57
00:02:42,394 --> 00:02:43,394
- There's more of 'em around.
58
00:02:43,395 --> 00:02:44,896
- There's more of 'em around.
59
00:02:44,897 --> 00:02:46,798
[knock on door]
- sheriff's department!
60
00:02:48,901 --> 00:02:51,635
- Hello?
What's going on?
61
00:02:51,636 --> 00:02:53,304
- You're not in trouble.
- You're not in trouble.
62
00:02:53,305 --> 00:02:54,739
- I should hope not.
- Tell us where the stuff is!
63
00:02:54,740 --> 00:02:56,074
[laughter]
64
00:02:56,075 --> 00:02:57,475
- Really, I don't know.
- We're joking, of course.
65
00:02:57,476 --> 00:02:59,644
- Ok. That's a scary joke.
66
00:02:59,645 --> 00:03:02,547
- "csi" is coming to film
right here in reno.
67
00:03:02,548 --> 00:03:03,748
- Really?
68
00:03:03,749 --> 00:03:04,882
- On this block.
- Yeah.
69
00:03:04,883 --> 00:03:06,584
- As luck would have it.
- You're kidding me!
70
00:03:06,585 --> 00:03:09,254
- So there's gonna be
some movie lights. There's gonna be--
71
00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:11,723
- I have some questions
about "csi."
72
00:03:11,724 --> 00:03:14,292
I'm glad you're here.
Let me ask you something. - Sure.
73
00:03:14,293 --> 00:03:16,661
- These "csi" guys,
they're scientists, right?
74
00:03:16,662 --> 00:03:17,962
They're scientists basically?
75
00:03:17,963 --> 00:03:19,797
- Uh, of sorts.
76
00:03:19,798 --> 00:03:22,634
- So why are they running around
with guns and solving crimes?
77
00:03:22,635 --> 00:03:24,669
- Thank you.
That's the problem I have with the show.
78
00:03:24,670 --> 00:03:26,237
- Ok. Well, why?
Do you know why?
79
00:03:26,238 --> 00:03:29,474
- If you want to start
a list of television shows about law enforcement
80
00:03:29,475 --> 00:03:31,643
That are inaccurate...
- Yeah.
81
00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:33,745
- Where do we start?
- So you don't have the answer to that?
82
00:03:33,746 --> 00:03:34,779
- I would say--
- because we're going crazy in here
83
00:03:34,780 --> 00:03:36,014
Trying to find that out.
84
00:03:36,015 --> 00:03:38,282
I'll bet you, in your
line of work as real police,
85
00:03:38,283 --> 00:03:40,451
You don't come across
nearly the number of pubic hairs
86
00:03:40,452 --> 00:03:41,519
That they do on that show.
87
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:42,988
- Uh...
- Or do you?
88
00:03:42,989 --> 00:03:44,088
- I wouldn't go that far,
but, you know,
89
00:03:44,089 --> 00:03:45,856
We just don't talk about it
all the time.
90
00:03:45,857 --> 00:03:48,426
- Thank you, yes.
- The constant pube talk, like,
91
00:03:48,427 --> 00:03:50,628
"oh, can I have the pubes
from that sample?
92
00:03:50,629 --> 00:03:51,996
Can I have the pubes from that?"
93
00:03:51,997 --> 00:03:53,564
- Well, I'm glad I didn't
shake either of your hands.
94
00:03:53,565 --> 00:03:55,099
[laughter]
- oh, I'm gonna shake--
95
00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:56,934
Ohh, pube hairs!
- Seriously.
96
00:03:56,935 --> 00:03:59,237
[tires screeching]
[crash]
97
00:04:01,540 --> 00:04:03,207
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
[siren]
98
00:04:03,208 --> 00:04:04,575
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
99
00:04:04,576 --> 00:04:07,512
- A stray piece of trash
from god's garbage can.
100
00:04:07,513 --> 00:04:09,381
Ma'am? Hold up.
101
00:04:09,382 --> 00:04:11,049
Oh, you lost your shoes there!
102
00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:14,419
- You're blocking this roadway
and you can't do that.
103
00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:17,521
- I don't need no help from you!
I go shoppin'.
104
00:04:17,522 --> 00:04:19,624
Here I go.
- No, you're not goin' shoppin'.
105
00:04:19,625 --> 00:04:20,991
You can't--
- yes, I am.
106
00:04:20,992 --> 00:04:22,093
This is my train.
107
00:04:22,094 --> 00:04:24,095
- No. No, no.
108
00:04:24,096 --> 00:04:25,363
- All right, then.
109
00:04:25,364 --> 00:04:28,099
- Ok, now, ma'am, that's not
gonna do anything.
110
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:29,734
I'm just gonna back up.
111
00:04:29,735 --> 00:04:30,868
Where you goin'
with these, ma'am?
112
00:04:30,869 --> 00:04:32,837
- You need to have--you gotta
put some pants on.
113
00:04:32,838 --> 00:04:34,038
- I don't need no help!
114
00:04:34,039 --> 00:04:35,206
- She smells.
115
00:04:35,207 --> 00:04:36,474
- Whoa, whoa. Whoa.
116
00:04:36,475 --> 00:04:37,908
- Stop it.
- No!
117
00:04:37,909 --> 00:04:41,012
No! No.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
118
00:04:41,013 --> 00:04:42,380
Hey, hey, hey.
119
00:04:42,381 --> 00:04:43,381
Hey!
120
00:04:43,382 --> 00:04:45,116
- That's mine!
121
00:04:45,117 --> 00:04:46,184
I was handled badly.
122
00:04:46,185 --> 00:04:47,251
- We didn't handle you
badly, ma'am.
123
00:04:47,252 --> 00:04:48,886
- I was handled badly!
- No, you weren't.
124
00:04:48,887 --> 00:04:50,821
- I'm gonna tell you somethin'!
I'm gonna tell you somethin'!
125
00:04:52,157 --> 00:04:55,727
I was--someone threw me
in a dumpster, ok?
126
00:04:57,062 --> 00:04:59,431
And they threw
a christmas tree on it.
127
00:04:59,432 --> 00:05:00,565
- Ok.
128
00:05:00,566 --> 00:05:02,233
- Poof! Set it on fire!
129
00:05:02,234 --> 00:05:03,668
- Uh-huh.
130
00:05:03,669 --> 00:05:04,903
Did you catch on fire, ma'am?
131
00:05:04,904 --> 00:05:08,206
- Yes.
Aa-a-a-a-ah!
132
00:05:08,207 --> 00:05:09,206
- No.
- Aah!
133
00:05:09,207 --> 00:05:10,708
- Don't--don't--don't--
134
00:05:10,709 --> 00:05:11,809
- You have to let
your shopping cart--
135
00:05:11,810 --> 00:05:12,810
- I got 2 shoes.
136
00:05:12,811 --> 00:05:13,811
- Yes, you do.
137
00:05:13,812 --> 00:05:15,613
- I got one sock.
138
00:05:15,614 --> 00:05:17,181
- Yeah.
I gotta count my titties.
139
00:05:17,182 --> 00:05:19,016
- No!
- No.
140
00:05:19,017 --> 00:05:22,119
[siren]
141
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,055
[dispatcher]
142
00:05:34,299 --> 00:05:35,767
- Well, well, well!
143
00:05:35,768 --> 00:05:39,170
I didn't realize jeff gordon
was coming through today.
144
00:05:39,171 --> 00:05:40,138
- Excuse me?
145
00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:44,274
- I said I didn't realize
jeff gordon
146
00:05:44,275 --> 00:05:46,310
Was coming through today,
coming through town.
147
00:05:46,311 --> 00:05:48,446
I would've brought
my picture book,
148
00:05:48,447 --> 00:05:49,713
Had him autograph it.
149
00:05:49,714 --> 00:05:50,815
- What did I do, officer?
150
00:05:52,651 --> 00:05:56,688
- What you did was you drove
through at 86 miles an hour.
151
00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:59,957
Everybody else was
obeying the speed limit and you were doing 86.
152
00:05:59,958 --> 00:06:02,826
- Oh, you know,
I got produce in my truck. It goes bad.
153
00:06:02,827 --> 00:06:04,696
- Grievance with
the produce union
154
00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:06,597
For having you booked so that
155
00:06:06,598 --> 00:06:08,166
You have to drive
these long distances
156
00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:09,300
Without enough time
to drive 'em.
157
00:06:09,301 --> 00:06:10,334
It ain't my fault.
158
00:06:10,335 --> 00:06:11,602
- Ok.
- I'm not--my job
159
00:06:11,603 --> 00:06:12,770
Isn't to pay your mortgage.
160
00:06:12,771 --> 00:06:14,038
- All right, sir. I--
161
00:06:14,039 --> 00:06:16,340
- So this ticket here, you can
contest it if you want to.
162
00:06:16,341 --> 00:06:18,309
You can bring your
produce boss there.
163
00:06:18,310 --> 00:06:21,179
Maybe he wants to pay for you,
because this is for $175.
164
00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:23,347
- $175? Come on!
- $175.
165
00:06:23,348 --> 00:06:24,349
- Have a good day, baretta.
166
00:06:30,889 --> 00:06:31,823
- Shit!
167
00:06:33,592 --> 00:06:35,793
This is car--oh, they took
the goddamn radio!
168
00:06:35,794 --> 00:06:38,996
Shit! Stop in the name
of the law!
169
00:06:43,902 --> 00:06:49,239
- Did you know that?
If you ever appear, ever, ever,
170
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,310
On television, even the news,
171
00:06:52,311 --> 00:06:55,613
Or in the newspaper,
you get paid--
172
00:06:55,614 --> 00:06:56,848
- Really?
- Forever.
173
00:06:56,849 --> 00:06:57,849
- Yeah.
- Did you know that?
174
00:06:57,850 --> 00:06:59,450
- Yeah.
- Really? - Residuals.
175
00:06:59,451 --> 00:07:01,285
- You're kidding me.
- Yeah, residuals. Forever.
176
00:07:01,286 --> 00:07:03,287
- I bet you there's guys
that do nothing for a living
177
00:07:03,288 --> 00:07:05,089
Except get themselves
in the background of the news.
178
00:07:05,090 --> 00:07:06,090
- They probably do.
- Right.
179
00:07:06,091 --> 00:07:07,358
- Or pictures in the newspaper.
180
00:07:07,359 --> 00:07:10,361
- And then cha-ching, cha-ching.
181
00:07:10,362 --> 00:07:12,029
"csi." they're gonna be here.
- Yeah, "csi."
182
00:07:12,030 --> 00:07:13,964
- They'll be on this street.
There'll be trucks, gunfire.
183
00:07:13,965 --> 00:07:17,035
Don't forget.
Don't get the itchy 911 finger. Don't worry about it.
184
00:07:17,036 --> 00:07:18,570
- No problem.
No problem. - We got you covered.
185
00:07:18,571 --> 00:07:19,603
- Look at that.
186
00:07:19,604 --> 00:07:21,438
This is going
right in the scrapbook.
187
00:07:21,439 --> 00:07:22,674
I'll never forget the day.
188
00:07:22,675 --> 00:07:25,242
- Now, that was a good guy.
That was a good guy.
189
00:07:25,243 --> 00:07:26,977
If we had a city
full of those people...
190
00:07:26,978 --> 00:07:28,046
- Oh!
191
00:07:28,047 --> 00:07:29,414
- Look at these roses.
192
00:07:29,415 --> 00:07:31,182
- You gotta have a sixth sense
about things, you know?
193
00:07:31,183 --> 00:07:34,118
You got to be able
to predict like a--
194
00:07:34,119 --> 00:07:37,921
You know, like a bird
or something, you know?
195
00:07:37,922 --> 00:07:40,758
[knock on door]
sheriff's department!
196
00:07:43,695 --> 00:07:45,095
Oh.
197
00:07:45,096 --> 00:07:47,431
[gunshots]
- oh! God! Oh, god!
198
00:07:47,432 --> 00:07:49,300
[man shouting]
199
00:07:49,301 --> 00:07:51,235
- Lay low!
- Somebody will call the cops. It's ok.
200
00:07:51,236 --> 00:07:53,237
- No, they're not!
What did we just say to everybody?
201
00:07:53,238 --> 00:07:54,072
- Stay down!
Stay down!
202
00:07:54,073 --> 00:07:55,172
[gunshots]
- stay down!
203
00:07:55,173 --> 00:07:57,175
- Is that "csi"?
Are you--
204
00:07:57,176 --> 00:07:59,344
[gunshot]
are you with "csi"?
205
00:07:59,345 --> 00:08:01,679
Cha-ching.
[laughing]
206
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:02,680
I'm in the shot?
207
00:08:03,848 --> 00:08:05,283
Wow.
208
00:08:05,284 --> 00:08:06,918
It's a small operation.
209
00:08:08,754 --> 00:08:11,555
[siren]
210
00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:16,126
[siren, gunshot]
211
00:08:16,127 --> 00:08:19,264
- I know you did it.
You know you did it.
212
00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:23,267
All you gotta do, pick up
this pen, sign a confession.
213
00:08:25,337 --> 00:08:26,970
[sighs] ok.
214
00:08:28,140 --> 00:08:30,007
You've forced me to bring in
the big guns.
215
00:08:32,211 --> 00:08:33,144
Whew.
216
00:08:34,279 --> 00:08:36,013
Hey, wiegel!
- Yeah?
217
00:08:36,014 --> 00:08:37,248
- This guy in here wants to hear
218
00:08:37,249 --> 00:08:39,350
All about your
appendectomy surgery.
219
00:08:40,586 --> 00:08:41,518
- Hi.
220
00:08:43,421 --> 00:08:44,956
Wow, where do I begin?
221
00:08:46,225 --> 00:08:48,393
I was in fifth grade, I think.
222
00:08:48,394 --> 00:08:51,963
Um, I was in this guy--
his name was mr. Cohen's class,
223
00:08:51,964 --> 00:08:53,898
And you had to fight
to get into this class.
224
00:08:53,899 --> 00:08:55,967
He would do a thing once a year
225
00:08:55,968 --> 00:09:01,005
Where you would
build out of straws and straight pins something.
226
00:09:01,006 --> 00:09:04,141
All right?
I--I built a ferris wheel.
227
00:09:04,142 --> 00:09:05,943
When you're in fifth grade--
well, pretty much anytime--
228
00:09:05,944 --> 00:09:07,711
I don't know about you,
but when I smell vomit,
229
00:09:07,712 --> 00:09:10,648
Sometimes it just happens,
so--oh, god.
230
00:09:10,649 --> 00:09:12,316
The next thing you know,
everyone's vomiting.
231
00:09:12,317 --> 00:09:13,717
The whole class is vomiting.
232
00:09:13,718 --> 00:09:17,254
Well, I think I'm just vomiting
because david cowie vomited.
233
00:09:17,255 --> 00:09:19,624
Let me back up, because
what happened before that is,
234
00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:20,858
I'm in horrible pain.
235
00:09:20,859 --> 00:09:22,359
I think, "this is so weird,"
236
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:23,995
Because we just saw
the whale blubber video.
237
00:09:23,996 --> 00:09:25,663
Maybe it's just, you know,
238
00:09:25,664 --> 00:09:27,931
Contagious vomiting,
like you get sometimes.
239
00:09:27,932 --> 00:09:29,233
No.
240
00:09:29,234 --> 00:09:31,436
Now, I don't know if
you've ever had a catheter,
241
00:09:31,437 --> 00:09:35,272
But they did this thing to me
that hurt like the dickens,
242
00:09:35,273 --> 00:09:36,874
And the guy says to me,
243
00:09:36,875 --> 00:09:39,543
"have you taken a bowel movement
in the last 3 days?"
244
00:09:39,544 --> 00:09:40,545
I'm in fifth grade.
245
00:09:40,546 --> 00:09:42,146
I don't know
from bowel movement.
246
00:09:42,147 --> 00:09:44,716
I, of course--
I can't do the dance,
247
00:09:44,717 --> 00:09:46,783
But I can fake the drums.
248
00:09:46,784 --> 00:09:48,585
And she was
the only girl in school
249
00:09:48,586 --> 00:09:50,188
With a thalidomide baby hand,
250
00:09:50,189 --> 00:09:52,289
Which, for the time,
was pretty rare.
251
00:09:52,290 --> 00:09:54,458
It's a puffy paint sweatshirt,
252
00:09:54,459 --> 00:09:55,960
A rainbow
puffy paint sweatshirt,
253
00:09:55,961 --> 00:09:57,762
And purple painter's pants
254
00:09:57,763 --> 00:10:00,097
With purple see-through
shoes that go--
255
00:10:00,098 --> 00:10:03,734
[laughing] I was like,
"oh, yeah, I'll show it to you,
256
00:10:03,735 --> 00:10:05,335
"but I don't have
any pubic hair.
257
00:10:05,336 --> 00:10:06,404
I'm only in fifth grade."
258
00:10:06,405 --> 00:10:07,638
And the guy's like,
259
00:10:07,639 --> 00:10:11,442
"oh, then I don't wanna
see it anyway." [laughing]
260
00:10:11,443 --> 00:10:14,511
So, it's, you know--since it was
my third time back in the hos--
261
00:10:14,512 --> 00:10:15,580
- Trudy?
262
00:10:15,581 --> 00:10:17,315
- Yeah.
- You got a phone call.
263
00:10:17,316 --> 00:10:20,617
- Oh. Ok.
I'll be right back.
264
00:10:20,618 --> 00:10:22,020
I'm gonna tell you about
the time we snuck out
265
00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:23,721
And stole crackers
from the cafeteria.
266
00:10:23,722 --> 00:10:24,755
[laughing]
267
00:10:26,458 --> 00:10:27,991
- Ahem.
268
00:10:27,992 --> 00:10:29,427
[clicks pen]
269
00:10:35,534 --> 00:10:40,871
[siren, tires squeal]
270
00:10:40,872 --> 00:10:42,539
- Well, one of the things
I'm gonna do
271
00:10:42,540 --> 00:10:45,776
Since "csi" is coming is, um,
272
00:10:45,777 --> 00:10:47,779
I'm gonna get my teeth bleached.
273
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:48,779
- Mmm.
274
00:10:48,780 --> 00:10:50,180
- I'm gonna get
my teeth whitened
275
00:10:50,181 --> 00:10:52,783
Just in case they wanna
use me in a scene.
276
00:10:52,784 --> 00:10:55,086
- That won't happen. Ok?
277
00:10:56,221 --> 00:10:57,221
- What you--how--
278
00:10:57,222 --> 00:10:59,156
- They're not going to ask you.
279
00:10:59,157 --> 00:11:00,892
- How do you know?
- They're not going to ask you.
280
00:11:00,893 --> 00:11:03,360
Have you watched that show?
You do not fit in.
281
00:11:03,361 --> 00:11:06,197
- I'm savvy,
I'm--I'm aggressive...
282
00:11:06,198 --> 00:11:09,300
- Uh-huh.
- Um, I'm attractive...
283
00:11:09,301 --> 00:11:12,770
- Uh-huh, and you got an ass
that's 2 axe handles wide,
284
00:11:12,771 --> 00:11:14,838
And that's distracting.
285
00:11:14,839 --> 00:11:16,039
Just don't--I just
don't want you
286
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:17,908
To get your hopes up, ok?
287
00:11:17,909 --> 00:11:19,743
I don't want you
to get your hopes up.
288
00:11:19,744 --> 00:11:20,878
- Oh, yeah.
No, no.
289
00:11:20,879 --> 00:11:23,981
I--I guess--I guess
I shouldn't do that.
290
00:11:23,982 --> 00:11:27,751
- Maybe if they stuck you, like,
in a hedge or something.
291
00:11:36,394 --> 00:11:38,328
- How long we gotta be
out here doing this?
292
00:11:38,329 --> 00:11:39,964
- I don't know, but I've had
just about enough.
293
00:11:41,433 --> 00:11:43,201
- You ain't had no more
than I done had.
294
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:44,401
And I don't know, you know,
295
00:11:44,402 --> 00:11:46,003
There's a lot of these
little people around here,
296
00:11:46,004 --> 00:11:47,271
They ordering around.
297
00:11:47,272 --> 00:11:48,906
"go get this, go do that,
298
00:11:48,907 --> 00:11:50,341
Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah-blah-blah."
299
00:11:50,342 --> 00:11:52,643
And I think that
they think they can
300
00:11:52,644 --> 00:11:54,378
Tell us what to do
like that, too. - No, thank you.
301
00:11:54,379 --> 00:11:56,480
No. No.
302
00:11:56,481 --> 00:11:57,615
- Don't nobody tell me
what to do.
303
00:11:57,616 --> 00:11:59,483
I'm a grown woman.
Do you hear me?
304
00:11:59,484 --> 00:12:01,118
Don't tell me
who I can't look at.
305
00:12:01,119 --> 00:12:03,588
- Mm-hmm.
I got a badge and a gun. Don't tell me.
306
00:12:03,589 --> 00:12:05,556
- Yeah.
I will look at 'em if I want to.
307
00:12:05,557 --> 00:12:06,991
- How many times do I
have to fucking tell you?
308
00:12:06,992 --> 00:12:08,258
Here and here.
309
00:12:08,259 --> 00:12:10,394
I got people coming up
these steps all day long,
310
00:12:10,395 --> 00:12:12,563
And what I don't need is
fucking cagney and lacey
311
00:12:12,564 --> 00:12:15,233
Standing here blocking
bill petersen's door.
312
00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:17,067
All right?
Got it?!
313
00:12:17,068 --> 00:12:18,068
- Got it.
- Good.
314
00:12:18,069 --> 00:12:19,003
- Got it, partner.
315
00:12:21,306 --> 00:12:23,240
- Don't cry.
Don't cry.
316
00:12:23,241 --> 00:12:25,042
Don't cry.
317
00:12:25,043 --> 00:12:27,177
- I don't like this.
- I gotta stay on this side in case he come back,
318
00:12:27,178 --> 00:12:28,578
But don't cry.
319
00:12:28,579 --> 00:12:29,614
Don't cry.
- I'm sick of this.
320
00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:31,415
- That's how they
do you in hollywood.
321
00:12:37,322 --> 00:12:38,656
- Don't move, sir.
- Don't move!
322
00:12:38,657 --> 00:12:40,624
- Don't move!
- Don't move what? At all?
323
00:12:40,625 --> 00:12:42,193
- Put the bottle down.
- Put the bottle down.
324
00:12:42,194 --> 00:12:43,560
- Put your hands up.
325
00:12:43,561 --> 00:12:45,796
- Bottle down, hands up
just like this.
326
00:12:45,797 --> 00:12:47,564
Bottle down, hands up
just like this.
327
00:12:47,565 --> 00:12:49,399
- How many times you want me
to repeat that motion?
328
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:50,934
- No, no!
- No, no. - Just do it once.
329
00:12:50,935 --> 00:12:52,036
Hands against the wall.
330
00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:54,872
- This--this how
y'all work when I call?
331
00:12:54,873 --> 00:12:57,274
- Did you call?
- I called.
332
00:12:57,275 --> 00:12:59,009
I was cartjacked this morning.
333
00:12:59,010 --> 00:13:00,544
- Carjacked this morning?
- Oh.
334
00:13:00,545 --> 00:13:03,314
- Cart. Cart.
335
00:13:03,315 --> 00:13:05,216
- Cart, like a shopping cart.
336
00:13:05,217 --> 00:13:06,450
- Well, I don't
push it like that.
337
00:13:06,451 --> 00:13:08,285
This gives you a--
that thing in your--
338
00:13:08,286 --> 00:13:11,388
It bothers your--up in here
if you push like this.
339
00:13:11,389 --> 00:13:13,090
The comfortable way to--
what is it?
340
00:13:13,091 --> 00:13:14,158
- Carpal--never mind.
341
00:13:14,159 --> 00:13:16,027
- I've never been in
any kind of tunnel.
342
00:13:16,028 --> 00:13:18,996
The comfortable way
to push a cart
343
00:13:18,997 --> 00:13:20,697
Is from both angles, like this,
344
00:13:20,698 --> 00:13:23,835
Almost on a--
like this, on obtusical.
345
00:13:23,836 --> 00:13:26,236
- You push it out,
you do it isometrically.
346
00:13:26,237 --> 00:13:27,804
- "freeze, you dirty fool!"
347
00:13:27,805 --> 00:13:29,240
- Freeze, you dirty fool.
348
00:13:29,241 --> 00:13:30,441
- Yeah.
- Okey-doke.
349
00:13:30,442 --> 00:13:32,342
- So, somebody came up
behind you with a weapon?
350
00:13:32,343 --> 00:13:33,377
- Spell "dirty," like, with--
351
00:13:33,378 --> 00:13:35,046
Like how nelly do it,
with a "u."
352
00:13:36,314 --> 00:13:38,449
- "durty," like durty south.
- Right.
353
00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:41,952
- Don't--don't tell him
how to spell things on his pad.
354
00:13:41,953 --> 00:13:44,088
You--you do your job,
you do your job.
355
00:13:44,089 --> 00:13:47,925
- You know, in '87,
I was spelling bee champion.
356
00:13:47,926 --> 00:13:49,794
- In '87, you were
a spelling bee champion.
357
00:13:49,795 --> 00:13:51,195
Do you have any documentation
to prove that?
358
00:13:51,196 --> 00:13:53,431
- I usually keep it with me,
but it was in the cart.
359
00:13:53,432 --> 00:13:56,633
- Ohhh!
- Man. Man.
360
00:13:56,634 --> 00:13:58,469
- Yeah, because they out here
tryin' to get me, man.
361
00:13:58,470 --> 00:14:01,072
That man, that
steven spielberg person,
362
00:14:01,073 --> 00:14:02,874
Stole my--my "e.T." idea.
363
00:14:02,875 --> 00:14:04,108
- That was your idea?
- Yeah.
364
00:14:04,109 --> 00:14:06,910
Cause I had a story
called "e.T." about a alien,
365
00:14:06,911 --> 00:14:08,446
And it stood for "every time,"
366
00:14:08,447 --> 00:14:10,881
Cause every time I would
lay down, an alien would come.
367
00:14:10,882 --> 00:14:13,584
- Our first stop looking for
this cart--spielberg's.
368
00:14:13,585 --> 00:14:14,885
- Spielberg.
Spielberg's!
369
00:14:14,886 --> 00:14:17,154
Let's move, boy, let's move!
- Come on.
370
00:14:18,590 --> 00:14:20,724
- We got 9 hours of driving
to get to hollywood
371
00:14:20,725 --> 00:14:22,459
And get steven spielberg
into custody!
372
00:14:32,804 --> 00:14:34,538
- I'm a grown-ass man, ok?
373
00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:37,942
- You are a grown-ass man.
374
00:14:37,943 --> 00:14:41,078
- You do not get to talk
to me--you do not!
375
00:14:42,881 --> 00:14:43,881
- Shh. Come on.
376
00:14:44,816 --> 00:14:46,383
- Helgenberger.
377
00:14:46,384 --> 00:14:48,218
- I know.
378
00:14:48,219 --> 00:14:50,454
Who the helgenberger
does she think she is? - Yeah.
379
00:14:52,657 --> 00:14:54,658
Hey, good-lookin' black dude?
380
00:14:54,659 --> 00:14:57,061
He's not that good-lookin'.
You see him?
381
00:14:57,062 --> 00:14:58,462
- Yeah.
Hell, yeah.
382
00:14:58,463 --> 00:14:59,997
Short--about this high.
383
00:14:59,998 --> 00:15:01,532
- Yeah.
He's not that good-lookin'.
384
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:04,135
- Tv, man.
- I'm way cute--I'm way cuter.
385
00:15:04,136 --> 00:15:05,135
- What up, blood?
386
00:15:05,136 --> 00:15:06,937
- Hey.
How you doin'?
387
00:15:06,938 --> 00:15:07,872
- How you doin'?
388
00:15:13,445 --> 00:15:16,079
- Asshole.
Gives you some love.
389
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,448
- Yeah, but
"what up, blood," I mean--
390
00:15:17,449 --> 00:15:19,616
- "what up, blood?"
- he don't know me.
391
00:15:19,617 --> 00:15:22,519
And I hate that I naturally--
it was natural for me,
392
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:24,522
And I--I naturally gave him dap.
393
00:15:24,523 --> 00:15:26,290
I don't know you.
394
00:15:26,291 --> 00:15:29,893
[siren]
395
00:15:33,965 --> 00:15:36,634
- Another hot date
tonight, bill?
396
00:15:36,635 --> 00:15:38,035
- And how.
397
00:15:38,036 --> 00:15:39,903
And she's a real catch, too--
398
00:15:39,904 --> 00:15:45,041
Intelligent, challenging,
and she's 16 years old,
399
00:15:45,042 --> 00:15:48,278
The legal age of consent
in the state of nevada.
400
00:15:48,279 --> 00:15:52,016
We're goin' dinner--
for dinner, roller-skating.
401
00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:56,319
Then we might pop over
to california for some dancing.
402
00:15:57,422 --> 00:15:59,589
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down, bill.
403
00:16:01,893 --> 00:16:03,327
- What's the problem?
404
00:16:03,328 --> 00:16:06,764
- Well, 16 may be
the age of consent in nevada,
405
00:16:06,765 --> 00:16:08,532
But not in california.
406
00:16:08,533 --> 00:16:11,635
It's 18 in the golden state.
407
00:16:11,636 --> 00:16:14,071
- How am I supposed
to keep track?
408
00:16:14,072 --> 00:16:16,107
- Why not do what I do?
409
00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:21,512
I always carry age of consent
state-by-state guide.
410
00:16:21,513 --> 00:16:23,748
- 14 in idaho?
411
00:16:23,749 --> 00:16:27,751
How did I ever live without
one of these handy cards?
412
00:16:27,752 --> 00:16:31,688
- Order yours today.
Why not be sure every time?
413
00:16:32,691 --> 00:16:35,459
[siren, gunshot]
414
00:16:43,869 --> 00:16:44,801
- All clear.
415
00:16:47,772 --> 00:16:49,073
- Are they shootin' right now?
416
00:16:50,341 --> 00:16:51,275
- I think so.
417
00:16:53,544 --> 00:16:55,079
That kind of jewy guy
was yelling.
418
00:16:56,381 --> 00:16:57,714
- "action"?
- Yeah.
419
00:17:00,418 --> 00:17:03,119
Can I ask you something?
An honest question?
420
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:06,056
- Yeah.
- Do I come off as gay or something?
421
00:17:06,057 --> 00:17:07,791
Do I come off as, like,
outwardly gay?
422
00:17:07,792 --> 00:17:09,026
Cause I don't know why
she would've said that
423
00:17:09,027 --> 00:17:10,260
As she went by before.
424
00:17:10,261 --> 00:17:11,662
- I thought either way--
425
00:17:11,663 --> 00:17:13,130
- Was she goofing with me?
426
00:17:13,131 --> 00:17:14,865
- I don't think she was goofing.
I think that was just--
427
00:17:14,866 --> 00:17:16,233
- Rolling sound here, people.
428
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:18,602
- What? What did he say?
- I don't know.
429
00:17:18,603 --> 00:17:20,838
- Rolling wild track, guys.
Wanna keep it down?
430
00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:22,139
You know what wild track is?
- No.
431
00:17:22,140 --> 00:17:24,475
- It means shut the fuck up,
all right?
432
00:17:24,476 --> 00:17:27,144
Just keep it down,
keep your eye on the door.
433
00:17:27,145 --> 00:17:28,078
- Wild track.
434
00:17:32,050 --> 00:17:33,517
- What?
- Wild track.
435
00:17:37,722 --> 00:17:39,657
- [both imitate monkey chatter]
436
00:17:40,792 --> 00:17:42,960
[dangle whinnies]
437
00:17:44,062 --> 00:17:45,428
- Cold towel?
438
00:17:45,429 --> 00:17:47,264
- A what?
- Cold towel?
439
00:17:47,265 --> 00:17:48,632
- Coal towel?
- Mm-hmm.
440
00:17:50,802 --> 00:17:53,069
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
441
00:17:53,070 --> 00:17:54,204
- Thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
442
00:17:57,275 --> 00:17:58,208
- What did she say?
443
00:17:59,310 --> 00:18:00,244
What did she say?
444
00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:05,349
- Co-towel?
445
00:18:05,350 --> 00:18:06,483
- Cold--cold towel?
446
00:18:15,927 --> 00:18:18,329
Cold towel. Ahem.
447
00:18:18,330 --> 00:18:19,730
- It's cold.
448
00:18:19,731 --> 00:18:20,664
- Yeah.
449
00:18:24,836 --> 00:18:27,571
- I thought it was gonna say,
like, uh, "csi"--
450
00:18:27,572 --> 00:18:28,505
- Mmm, taste it.
451
00:18:33,211 --> 00:18:34,578
- There.
Does it make you feel better?
452
00:18:34,579 --> 00:18:35,979
- Yeah.
- Good. We did it.
453
00:18:35,980 --> 00:18:38,382
Fine. Hey, carl!
454
00:18:38,383 --> 00:18:39,550
- Hey, chief carl.
455
00:18:39,551 --> 00:18:40,751
- Hey, guys.
How's it going?
456
00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:44,054
- Oh, boy.
Guess how it's going. - Uh...
457
00:18:44,055 --> 00:18:46,123
- What do you think happened?
- Pretty darn good?
458
00:18:46,124 --> 00:18:48,825
- Mmm, it's not
going so darn good with the ring-toss people.
459
00:18:48,826 --> 00:18:50,927
- What happened there?
Did somebody get one in the eye?
460
00:18:50,928 --> 00:18:53,196
- No, they called and said,
461
00:18:53,197 --> 00:18:56,232
"there is a gentleman sitting
in front of the ring toss..."
462
00:18:56,233 --> 00:18:57,234
- Yeah?
463
00:18:57,235 --> 00:18:58,835
- "selling popcorn on a stick."
464
00:18:58,836 --> 00:19:01,705
- Yeah. It's me's.
465
00:19:01,706 --> 00:19:02,940
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I'm--
466
00:19:02,941 --> 00:19:04,207
- Do you wanna run right now?
467
00:19:04,208 --> 00:19:06,109
Do you wanna just
get up and scamper?
468
00:19:06,110 --> 00:19:07,844
Do you wanna run?
- Well...
469
00:19:07,845 --> 00:19:10,347
- No?
- No, I'm on a lunch break.
470
00:19:10,348 --> 00:19:15,018
You know, if you put
a burger in the toaster, it'll say happy birthday.
471
00:19:15,019 --> 00:19:18,155
- If you put a burger
in a toaster, it'll do what? - It'll say happy birthday.
472
00:19:18,156 --> 00:19:20,324
Do you have the bathtub
with the goat water?
473
00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:21,892
- Yes, we do.
- Yes, we do, carl.
474
00:19:21,893 --> 00:19:23,494
- Uh, you know what?
I'll call ahead to the station
475
00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:25,629
And make sure they fill up
the bathtub with goat water.
476
00:19:25,630 --> 00:19:28,599
- Yeah.
That way I can rinse out the pie.
477
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:29,900
- Yeah.
478
00:19:29,901 --> 00:19:32,503
[siren]
479
00:19:35,106 --> 00:19:36,106
[siren, gunshot]
480
00:19:36,107 --> 00:19:37,674
- Hey, kimball, check it out.
481
00:19:37,675 --> 00:19:39,175
They got tons of snacks
over there.
482
00:19:39,176 --> 00:19:40,744
- You were gone, like,
20 minutes.
483
00:19:40,745 --> 00:19:43,280
- I know.
I went by the set.
484
00:19:43,281 --> 00:19:47,317
They have this guy totally
cut open, like, his en--
485
00:19:47,318 --> 00:19:49,653
All his entrails
are hanging out.
486
00:19:49,654 --> 00:19:53,490
And I got to take
a picture like this, next to his stomach, like...
487
00:19:53,491 --> 00:19:56,560
- Oh, well, that's great,
while I'm here all by myself trying to hold down the fort.
488
00:19:56,561 --> 00:19:58,529
- I brought you a cookie.
You don't have to be pissy about it.
489
00:19:58,530 --> 00:20:00,764
- No, thank you.
- Good, cause this one fell on the ground.
490
00:20:00,765 --> 00:20:02,566
- Mm-hmm, well, you're gettin'
crumbs on the steps...
491
00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:05,535
- It's fine.
There's a guy who comes around-- - miss starlet.
492
00:20:05,536 --> 00:20:07,871
- There's a--they got
a guy for everything.
493
00:20:07,872 --> 00:20:10,341
You go like this, "makeup!"
494
00:20:10,342 --> 00:20:13,944
A guy comes up,
poof, poof, poof. - Yeah, that powder?
495
00:20:13,945 --> 00:20:15,712
That puff?
496
00:20:15,713 --> 00:20:16,780
- Get off the stairs, please.
497
00:20:16,781 --> 00:20:18,314
- Uh, oh, I'm sorry about that.
498
00:20:19,617 --> 00:20:21,784
- Listen, director saw you
this morning.
499
00:20:21,785 --> 00:20:23,320
- Yeah?
- Said, "who's that?"
500
00:20:23,321 --> 00:20:24,688
I said, "it's a real cop."
501
00:20:24,689 --> 00:20:26,256
- Yeah?
- Wants to put you in the scene.
502
00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:29,459
- Are you serious?
- For real.
503
00:20:29,460 --> 00:20:30,961
- [laughing]
what did I tell ya?
504
00:20:30,962 --> 00:20:32,429
I said he was looking at me!
505
00:20:32,430 --> 00:20:33,496
Now?
- For real, yeah. Let's go.
506
00:20:33,497 --> 00:20:34,731
- [laughing]
507
00:20:34,732 --> 00:20:36,733
- You know, I was just
telling her that I used to, uh--
508
00:20:36,734 --> 00:20:37,901
- Watch the door, please.
509
00:20:37,902 --> 00:20:39,336
Just watch the door.
Trudy, come on.
510
00:20:39,337 --> 00:20:40,770
- I'm gonna do that.
I'm on it!
511
00:20:40,771 --> 00:20:42,672
- Hold my cookie.
I don't wanna look unprofessional.
512
00:20:42,673 --> 00:20:43,907
Thanks! Have fun!
513
00:20:43,908 --> 00:20:46,910
Captioning made possible by
mtv networks
514
00:20:46,911 --> 00:20:49,913
Captioned by the national
captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--
515
00:20:49,914 --> 00:20:51,982
- Where's your friend?
- Oh, she, um--
516
00:20:51,983 --> 00:20:55,051
They took her off, I think,
to do some acting or something.
517
00:20:57,055 --> 00:21:00,224
- So, I was wondering, uh,
maybe after we wrap,
518
00:21:00,225 --> 00:21:01,859
You and I could go
get a drink or something.
519
00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:04,594
- You and me?
520
00:21:04,595 --> 00:21:06,096
- Yeah.
521
00:21:06,097 --> 00:21:10,000
- Uh, where you go around here?
522
00:21:10,001 --> 00:21:12,135
- Oh, there's a couple bars
down the road.
523
00:21:12,136 --> 00:21:13,470
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
524
00:21:13,471 --> 00:21:15,805
- Lots of cute guys there?
525
00:21:15,806 --> 00:21:16,873
- Not really.
526
00:21:16,923 --> 00:21:21,473
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