Original subtitles

- The white zone is for immediate loading

And unloading of passengers only.

- Got a fellow in the hospital here waiting

For a liver transplant.

Organs should be arriving at any moment.

Come on, come on.

Ah! Whoa! Here we go. Ho! Ho. Ho.

Ok, I got it.

Trudy, you stay and fill out the paperwork.

- No, jim... I'd like to handle this.

I know exactly what to do, jim.

Go to st. Mary's hospital-- - check.

- Go to the fourth floor, icu, ask for dr.Peterson,

Tell him we have an o-positive liver and we need to

Get it there stat.

- My god. That was great.

Go! Go with god. Go!

I'll do the paperwork.

Ok, she's on it, guys.

Well done, gentlemen.

- The white zone is for immediate loading

And unloading of passengers.

- Oh, fuck.

- Jim, I'm sorry.

I forgot everything I just said.

Captioning made possible by mtv networks

- What? - Come on.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[electric sizzle]

- Whoa, whoa, oh!

[siren]

- Morning, gang. - Ho.

- Morning.

- Everybody sounds fit as a fiddle this morning.

Travis, you had an announcement you had

To make or something? - I did.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...

Monkey jiz.

Straight from the orient.

- Oh, I heard about that.

- What are we supposed to do with that?

- Where'd you get that? - Start the biddin' at $35.

- What am I gonna do with monkey jiz?

- 37. - 37.

- Uh, the end of the table seems to know what it does.

- What are the applications of monkey jiz?

- 38. - 38.

- They must be good.

- 41. - Oh, hell. 42.

What does it do?

- 44. - 50. What does it do?

- Is it like for wrinkles?

- 60. - 61. What does it do?

- No. No. - 75.

- Do not just stick things in your mouth.

- What are we at? And what does it do?

- We're at 75. - We're at 75?

- It's still warm.

- That was from my pocket.

No, I got it mail order.

- How do you know that's authentic and not fake

Monkey jiz? - Oh, that's authentic.

You know that.

- $200! - 200.

- 225. - 225.

- 250. What does it do?

- 300. - 301.

- 301. - 325.

- 350. - 350.

- Where'd you get it? - 375.

- Big korean section manager.

- 385. - 382.

- 382 goin' once--

- 385. - 387.

What is it? - 401.99.

- 402.

- The price is right for the jiz.

- 402. Goin' once.

- That's a week and a half-- that's 2 week's--

- That's 3 weeks' pay. - Sold!

Kimball. You can just write me a check.

- Okey-doke.

Everybody knows that the new liberace box set's coming

Out, right?

- Who?

- Anyhoo, his piano, liberace's piano--on tour.

Comin' to the washoe mall.

- Just the piano? - Yeah!

Whoa, go back. Just the piano?

- Why isn't he...With it?

- He died, like, 150 years ago.

- He'd be a little stiff at the keyboard.

- He's dead? - Oh, me.

- You're already on it.

It's you and garcia.

- That's inside the mall.

It's climate-controlled, right?

I'll do it.

- Anyhoo, moving right along.

- I hear that monkey jiz, it's very assertive.

- You want to tell her? - Seriously, what does it do?

- Welcome to the force. He's goofin' you.

It's his. - Yeah, it's mine.

- Whoo!

- You've been jizzed by junior, honey.

- Rookie, rookie!

- You just paid $402 for junior jiz.

- April jiz.

[classical music plays on piano]

- Hey, not too close.

- Keep movin', now.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Don't touch the piano, sir! Sir?

You can look, but just don't lean over

The rail, ok?

It's funny how something... With lights on it

Will attract these people.

- You know you're solids, right?

- It's made of glass?

- No, it is made of genuine

Diamonds, 2.75 karats, 14-karat gold, and you know

Why he gave it to me?

'cause it's Monday.

Or that's what he said.

He goes, "happy Monday."

- And you got this from that hot tub guy?

- The hot tub guy. The hot tub king.

With 4 stores in nevada.

- Oh, yeah. I've seen his picture.

- He makes so much money, I cannot even tell you.

And this is someone I haven't even slept with.

- Why don't you sleep with him?

- He's 74!

- Oh, he doesn't have a penis?

- We have a message for clementine johnson.

- ♪ oh, my darling, oh, my darling ♪

♪ oh, my darling clementine ♪

♪ will you please be mine forever ♪

♪ marry me, my clementine ♪

[giggling]

[gasps]

- Hello! Barry?!

- Uh.

- Uh, fuck yeah!

Fuck, yeah, I'll marry your 74-year-old ass!

Oh, my gosh!

[horn honks]

Oh, that's got to be him.

[honking]

Hang on.

Barry!

- Here we go again with her and the weddings.

[horn honking]

- Aah!

Aah!

- Clem? - Clemmy!

[clementine sobs]

[cop gasps]

- Barry, don't be dead!

Don't be dead, barry!

- I got no pulse. Oh, man.

- Barry, go away from the light!

Come back!

- He's dead. - I command you!

- Well, you came real close. - Yeah.

- Why don't we, um...Call the coroner, get him to bring

The meat wagon around here?

- Don't. No, don't, don't, don't.

Not yet. Not yet.

- Not yet? We got to.

- What are you thinkin' about?

- If I stay a fiancee, this is what I keep.

I've always wanted to be a widow.

You help me, I help you.

- We scratch your back...Well, what are we talking about?

- Hot tubs all around...

- Yes!

- Well, what are we talking for?

[jazzy tune plays]

- Ok, you know what?

Ok, let me tell you something.

Ok, 3 times I wished in my head that the piano would

Play something different, and it played it.

- Ye-ah. It's on a loop.

- I wish this beautiful piano would

Play something romantic.

[song ends]

[pretty song begins]

Did you see that?!

- Uh...Yeah...

- That piano is magic. - Ok.

- It's magic! 3 ti--no, 4 times now!

- Hey, you know what? I got a weird thought.

I wish I was wayne newton sittin' in the pool by

The mirage and a beautiful woman dropped out of the sky

And brought me food on a big old platter.

- You know what?

Be careful what you wish for.

You know what I'm saying? Because this pian--

- Hi. Complimentary hot wings?

I'm tammy from hotties.

- Hey.

- Open now on level 2.

- Ok.

- 1, 2. Go.

They asked you to leave 3 times.

3 times, they asked you to leave.

- Ok, but I have to tell you--

- I'm sorry. Come on. Jail time.

- Here we go. - No, no, no.

We're goin' to jail.

- I just have to do something, ok?

- What do you have to do?!

- I have to change my boots!

- Don't change--they're dangerous.

They are dangerous. - I have to take off my shoes.

- These shoes are real pretty.

- Ok. I'm putting these in here.

- Wait. Hold up-- I just want to put--

- Come on, come on, come on!

- Get up! Missy! Missy! - What?

- You are not wearing any pants.

Now, you--

- Can I put my pants on?

- Yes, yes. You can put pants on. Yes.

- I want to pick out which one.

- How 'bout this? - I don't want to wear those!

- Which ones do you want?

- I want to wear the ones... The ones there...

- How 'bout these? - These are--these--

- Noooo!! They're my fucking boyfriend's!

- Hey! Hey! Hey! These.

- I don't want to wear those.

- That's real pretty.

- I don't think this is mine!

This is fucking charity's!

I don't want to wear her stupid skirt.

- Panties. Wait a second.

- This is on backwards.

- Oh, no. There you go.

- Aah!

- Now, come on.

- Wait, wait, wait. I forgot something.

I forgot something! - What did you forget?

What did you forget?

- My cell phone.

- Where is it?

- It's in the bar.

- In the bar?

Are you lying to me?

- Oh! No, you did not!

You come back here!

- Can I smoke a cigarette?

- In the car you can.

- But can I smoke one first, 'cause I just have to wait

For--I'm waiting for a phone call inside.

Do you have a light?

- Yes. Of course I do.

Now, are we gonna be good? Are we gonna be friends?

We're not gonna run and we're not gonna puke, right?

[chatter over police radio]

- No, no, I-- no! Son of a bitch!

She tricked me! It was a trick!

She's a little fucking genius!

- Boy, that sure was a good opera.

- I'll say. But it doesn't take

A m-mozart to figure out that

Getting...Back to our limo in this bad neighborhood might be

A little dangerous.

- Good thing we wore our... - Police tek 2000

Bulletproof vests.

- Stick 'em up, you two. - Oh, my god.

- Go ahead. Shoot away.

- [groans] fuck!

- I didn't feel a th--

[gags]

- I didn't feel a thing.

- Always wear a police tek 2000 bulletproof vest.

- Now in a slenderizing girdle cut.

- Oh! Perfect.

- Sorry. - That was gorgeous.

- Shh!

- Can't even...Stand up in his own yard.

Lay him down gently.

Oh! Ha ha!

- Hoo hoo hoo!

This is what I'm talkin' about.

- That's what I'm talkin' about.

- Oh, my god!

This is like the garden of fucking eden.

- I know. So this is what we need to do.

We need a judge.

- Uh...Judge peterson, down circuit court.

Two cataracts. - He's blind. Yes!

You'll pick him up? - I'll get him.

- Ok, you get him. - You have a wedding dress?

- I do. - Where is it?

- It's in the back of the squad car.

- What?

- You have a wedding dress in the back of the squad car?

- Oh, always.

Always.

You know, I'm always prepared.

I also have a saddle and a bee-keeper's hat and a couple

Of, uh, flower leis. - Huh...

- 'cause you just never know, right?

- Half the time, I get stuck without a tampon.

- Watch this.

I'm wishing that the piano...

Would play something...Mexican.

[song ends]

[begins playing tango music]

Ha ha!

I didn't even know if it was really gonna do that,

And it did it!

- Yeah.

- That's crazy!

- Yeah, well, let's drop the balloons.

It played something mexican. Wow! Start the fountain.

- It started as soon as I said it!

- Son, would you get down off that

Railing, please?

- See what I'm saying? As soon as I said it, boom!

What?

- That's just called coincidence.

Man! God, I wish that kid would get off the railing.

- Oh...Oh!

[thud]

- Holy shit!

- What did you do?!

- I got an 11-charlie!

Washoe mall. We need a paramedic!

Ma'am, keep your kids away!

- I just wanted to remind you that Friday night is

The candlelight vigil for melissa curvie,

Who's been missing now for 6 days.

So just, um, you know, come on down.

There'll be snacks, and it'll be a good time.

- Thank you--um... Thank you very much.

I do want to talk to y'all about drugs, but I think one

Thing that sniffy and I know that a lot of people won't

Tell y'all is that when you first do drugs...

It's real nice.

But here's the thing, kids--it doesn't stay that way.

Imagine that sniffy is drugs, uh, and...I first, uh...

I first meet him--

Hi, how you doing, sniffy?

And we are just sweet on each other.

And we're walking down the street, and then all

Of a sudden...He gives me a good night kiss.

Well, that's just wonderful!

And I'm feelin' great now and I want a little more of that

Is what I want 'cause that just felt so nice.

So we kiss... A little more...

And that just feels great, too.

I feel so pretty and smart, and so we kiss a little more...

And, uh...And he starts acting a little angry at me and,

Um, and that's when it starts to turn real bad.

And that's when you--

Should--get off of me--

But he just doesn't seem to be cooperating.

And that's when you know that drugs just really aren't

Worth, uh...The...What--

We didn't--no, it's over.

No, the thing is--

- Oh, my god! - Stop! Help! Help!

Get him off of me! Get him off of me!

Get him off! - Ramon, get off!

- Get him the fuck off of me!

- I am really sorry--

- Do you do a background check on these people?!

I want you to get backstage right now!

- Man has 5 tuxedos. 5.

- 5? - 5 tuxedos.

What'd you do if you had 2 million?

- 2 million? - Yeah, 2 million bucks.

Boom. Here's your check.

Ed mcmahon drives up.

- First tell my family to fuck off.

Then I would, uh...

- You can do that right now.

- Well, they're kind of helping me out.

- Oh.

- Then I'd, uh...I don't know.

Maybe get some plugs.

Always wanted cornrows.

Maybe go to...France.

- France? - Yeah.

- Get cornrow hair plugs and go to France?

- Yeah.

- God, sometimes I don't even know you.

You know, if I had $2 million, I would get me one of them

Pontoon boats on lake havasu...

- Yeah?

- Eddie money'd play at my birthday party.

Lake havasu.

Can you imagine the tail you would get

If you had eddie money play at your birthday

Party on lake havasu?

- ♪ here comes the bride ♪

- Oh, wait! He ain't supposed to see ya.

He ain't supposed to see ya!

- Ha ha ha ha!

[somber classical music plays]

- Uh, tango, uh... 11-charlie-12.

This is, uh... Garcia and williams.

We wanted to check on the status of our faller here

At the mall.

- Oh, yeah, that kid.

Uh, critical but stable, they're saying.

- Garcia was the one that wished it to happen!

- No, I did--I did not.

That is not true.

Dangle, I made an aside.

I said I wish he would get down off the railing safely,

And the child fell.

- Did you say that by liberace's piano?

- I just said--

- Yes, he said it right by the piano.

We're standing right by it.

- That's not true! Ok?

I didn't say anything and I didn't talk about anything.

- Well, you know they say it's cursed, right?

There's whole web sites about it.

There's liberacescursedpiano.Org.

There's cursedpiano--

- You see that? - How do you know--

- Do you see that? Do you see that?

- You're gonna blame it on me?

- No, I'm just saying--he said

There's web sites, and people don't lie on the internet!

- Ok, you know what? You're makin' weird wishes.

He's saying there's things on the web about liberace

And stupid people doing-- well, you know what?

I'm tired of it, ok, williams?

I don't believe in this whole stupid queer-ass gay liberace

Piano bullshit!

[somber music continues]

- That was for you!

Oh, my god! We are so...We are--

He is sorry! He is sorry.

We love you.

- Here we come!

- Oh, good. Good!

Thank you. - Look who I found!

- Look, honey, our life can start.

Our life can start.

- How you doing, judge peterson?

- Good. Good. It's good to be here.

I know the hour is late, but we'll rush through this.

- We appreciate it!

- Oh, good, 'cause we can't wait to get married.

Isn't that right?

- We're gathered here this evening to bring together

These two kids to embrace the bonds of holy matrimony.

Uh...You have rings?

- Uh... - Rings, please.

[whispering]

- Oh, w-got them right here! - There they are!

- Oh, barry, that is such a beautiful ring!

- As you exchange them, please, if you have any vows

You would like to say, anything you would like to

Address to each other, please do it.

- Um...Clementine, you're--

[deepens voice]

Clementine, you're, um...Beautiful.

You always...Smell great.

And I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you

And give a lot of money to you.

- Barry...We've got a bond, you know?

And you were not the first by any means and...I mean, I'd be

A liar to say you are gonna be the last, you know?

But, um, you're here now.

And so let's just make the best of that now.

- Then by the power vested in me by the state of nevada,

I now pronounce you man and wife.

- Yeah! - Yes!

Thank you!

- Clemmy, you look heavy when you're--turn sideways.

You look--no, you look heavy.

Straight on you look heavy.

Sideways like this. Silhouette.

Exactly.

No, get in there, junior!

- No, I'm--where? That don't make sense.

- You look shell-shocked.

- Will you take the fucking picture?

- Take it!!

- Happy wedding!

- Yay!

Whoo!

[piano plays somber music]

- Ok, I don't know. It's just...You know what?

I just want it to end.

I wish somebody would just come by and just take that

Damn piano out of here!

- Hey. We're here for the piano.

- Oh--d--he--eh--uhh!

- It's been a strange day.

This thing has been playin'...

Everything that we've asked it to.

- Who was playing it?

- Well, the piano was playing by itself

And then he just wished for you to come

And then you came, but--

- That's not a player piano.

- Say what?

- It's not a player piano!

It's liberace's piano.

Think he'd have a player piano?

[men chuckling]

Of course it's a player piano.

- Once again... Miss fortune has humped my leg.

Guess who's not a widow?

- He's still alive? - He's--no.

He was married already. Had never gotten a divorce.

Yeah. His wife lives on a houseboat

On the colorado river 6 months out of the year, so...

- Hey, remember when I said that

Rapes were down in the holding tank?

- Yeah. - Typo. Not. Are not down.

- Oh, I thought that was missin' a 1.

117. Not 17.

- 17 seemed real light. - Seemed real low.

- 'cause every time you walk by...

- "help! Please don't rape me! Please don't rape me!"

- Yep.

Captioning made possible by mtv networks

Captioned by the national captioning institute

--Www.Ncicap.Org--

- Seems like you practice saying that sometimes.

Do you?

- No, it's just something that I--I

Wake up saying it out of my--sometimes out of my--

- Your night terrors.

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