Original subtitles

- Sheriff's academy cadets, at ease!

Sound off!

Reese! - Sir, yes, sir!

- Kimball! - Sir, yes, sir!

- Manderson! - Sir, yes, sir!

- Jackson! - Sir, yes, sir!

- Dupree! - Sir, yes, sir!

- Each of you

Has completed 18 weeks of sheriff's academy training.

But real cop school starts today!

Here's where you start paying, people.

In sweat.

Only one of you will be the best of the best!

And only one is what our current budget situation allows.

So, I apologize for that.

I wish I could take you all, but I can't.

Manderson?!

- Sir, yes, sir!

- How tall are you?

- 6'2 1/2", sir.

- Get out of here.

Double time, double time, double time, boy!

Dupree.

- Sir, yes, sir!

- Top of your class.

- Yes, sir!

- Speak 3 languages.

- Sir, yes, sir!

- Ji kun do master.

- Yes, sir.

- Wow.

He's the one to beat, people.

Eyes on dupree.

All right, dupree, go get the gun belts.

- Sir, yes, sir!

- Medic!

- Whoo! - Come here!

- What? I'm--

- Oh!

- [shouting]

[captioning made possible by mtv networks]

[machine gun fire]

- Hey, where's you--

- Hoh, hoh, hoh!

[siren]

[tires screech]

- The idea of adding a new deputy

Goes like this.

Uh, what we have in the officers

We have now are a lot of ingredients.

Uh, pepperoni, uh, raw egg,

Uh, strong gouda cheese.

The thing is that we have ingredients

That are a recipe for nothing,

And we're missing one of those things

That turns something,

Uh, that's just a bunch of stuff

Into something useful.

I didn't--don't that in a personal way.

- The reno sheriff's department

Is a perfect law enforcement engine,

And you do not make an engine faster

By adding another part.

You make an engine faster by putting nitrous in it.

And I don't mean an analogy.

I mean we should get nitrous in our cars.

[siren]

- Pull over!

- The squad car's following you, ok?

You're gonna have to give up.

- Get off the bike, sir!

- Fuck you.

- Oh, is that how you're gonna be?

Ok, we're fine.

- Freeze, sir!

- Hey! Hey!

- I got him! - Get off that bike!

- I got him!

- Freeze! - I got him!

- Son of a bitch!

- Get off!

- Damn! - Oh!

- Oh!

Yeah!

Ha ha.

Whoo!

- Shut up.

- Oh, man.

- Got him!

- Yes, you did.

- Good for you.

You get to do the paperwork, hot dog girl.

- Great job! Fantastic!

Hey, james garcia.

- Hi, james.

- Nice to meet you. Welcome to the force.

- Thank you.

- Wow, where'd you learn that stuff?

- In the marine corps.

- Well, ten-hut.

- Got him.

- Nice.

- "I got him." - beginner's luck.

- "I got him."

- That was a good grab there.

- "I learned it in the marine corps."

- If I wasn't on my period,

I could have did that.

[siren]

- Aah!

Sorry.

My brakes are getting squirrelly on me.

Hoh.

I've had some boots on layaway

Here at zapateria la ballerina.

For western fashions here in reno,

You really can't beat zapateria la ballerina.

Well, you can, but not at these prices, really.

Let's do it.

It's go time.

[mariachi music plays]

Genuine ostrich.

3 payments.

Oh!

Wait, what?

I'm just goofin'. New boot goofin'.

Oh!

- Cleanliness is next to godliness.

It's important to me.

- Ha ha. Boom!

- Oh, the god squad.

Hey! How's god doin' today?

- Yeah!

- Fine. Jehovah's good.

- Yeah?

Hey, does, uh, jehovah have a permit

To be in the neighborhood today?

- I think brother thor might have the permit.

- Is that brother thor?

- That's brother thor.

- Sir... - Jones?

- That's brother thor.

- Ow! Ow! Ow!

- I got him!

- [shouting]

- Sir, relax.

Sir, 144,000 people make it into heaven.

Would you like to be one?

- Yes, sir.

- Would you like to hear the good news about jehovah?

- Yes, I would.

- We need your home address.

[siren]

[siren]

- I tell you, I'd love to get...

One new dep...

Who was a little bit...

Less of a complete fudge-up.

- I can follow.

- Fudge-up.

I feel like we got a lot of fudge-ups.

- For sure.

- We're like--so many fudge-ups

At our station

That they ought to put a...

- They ought to slap a sign on the front itself

And call it a fudge factory.

It's like a fudge-packing district.

- Pretty much.

- Reno 12-charlie-7, we got a jumper!

We got a jumper!

Hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh!

- Hey! Kiki! Calm down, now.

- Hey! - Don't come up here!

I'm gonna kill myself!

- No, no, no, no, no! - Kill myself!

- No, no, no, no! Don't do that!

- Come on, pretty girl!

- No, you don't want to do that.

- Aw, son of a--

I do not want to call the fire department

And the emts.

It's a whole goddamn production.

- Give me a shot at this one.

One shot. - You want this?

- You want to go, reese? - I want this.

- Ok. You better take this.

She likes this.

- All right.

- Now! - Let's rock this joint.

- Fine. Let the rookie take it.

- Rock it, asshole.

- And he's gonna do the paperwork, too.

- Hell, yeah.

- No, no, no! No. I'm right here.

Nobody's gonna die today.

Nobody's gonna die today.

Look it. Look, look. - You stay back!

- Look, I'm putting down my gun.

- Stay back! - Look at that!

I don't need my gun. Nobody's gonna die today.

- Stay back.

- Nobody's gonna die today, kiki.

Not on my watch. Not on my watch.

Come here. Come here!

- Oh! - Hoh, hoh!

Reese?

[thump]

- Oh, my god. Come on!

- Reese! Reese! - Reese!

- ...Believe in you.

And you have to believe in yourself.

Because sometimes, you're all you got,

You know that? - Yeah.

Boy, you make a lot of sense for a white fella.

See, the only person who saw deep inside

Was my daddy,

And that's the reason why

I take these sticks,

'cause, see, my daddy was real skinny and real black.

Black like a hundred midnights black.

You understand? - Like, almost purple.

- Black. Blue-black.

- Like blue-black. Purple-black. Yeah.

- Yeah. And skinny!

- Oh, yeah. - You know?

So when I see the stick...

Why, that remind me of my daddy.

I get choked up.

- Let's go.

- Oh! Get away from me!

Get away from me! Get back!

- It's all right. Please,

Don't invade our space.

Honestly. Ok? Please.

You're dismissed. Thank you.

Ok, where were we?

- Yeah, ok.

- Fuckin' dick.

- Good luck getting back, asshole.

- I like you.

Way, way better than that great big nigger

And that little bitty mexican

They send out here all the time.

They got to go.

- What do I think of rookie jackson?

Well, I think she's good breeding stock.

Not to be too forward.

But, she's got the right parts--up here, down here.

She's put together well.

She'd be an asset to our force and I'd be happy to school her.

- I'd say she puts "ass" in asset to the force.

- That she does, my friend.

- We're in pursuit of a purse-snatcher.

Requesting backup!

Whoa!

Uh-uh. All right.

- Ok, come on.

- Wait--no, grab it on the other--

There's a lot of dirt over here.

Jackson!

Uh...

She's like a little cat.

[sound of punching]

Oh--uh...

Oh! Ho ho!

[crash]

- Got it!

- That was cool.

We need more white, cool, david lee roth

White people shit like that in the world.

That was cool.

- I could have done that.

For real. I could have done that.

- Sheriff's department!

Stay where you are!

- Hands where we can seem 'em!

Hands where we can see 'em!

- You know why we're here, don't you?

- You know.

- I don't know. - Yeah, you do.

- You don't know? - No, I don't know.

- So you wouldn't know anything

About the first western bank

Being robbed this morning

By a gentleman-- a gentleman with...

A crossbow, frisbee!

A man with a crossbow.

- I don't--I don't know what you're talking about.

- You don't know what we're talking about.

- Frisbee, guess how many people in this area

Subscribe to "crossbow enthusiast."

- I don't know. 2,000.

- One!

- You want to hear the description

Of the fella we're looking for?

- Let's hear it, travis.

- Put that in the truck.

- Let's see if it reminds us any--

- Quieten down!

- Wearing a ski mask,

Beard sticking out under the ski mask...

- Yep. - Strawberryish.

- Woman driving the getaway car,

Also in ski mask.

Very pregnant. Underage.

6 kids in the back of the pickup truck.

- Yeah. Well...

- Remind you of anybody, frisbee?

- Don't sound--does not ring a specific bell.

- Don't sound familiar? - No.

- Wouldn't know anything about that, would you, frisbee?

- No, I don't know anything about it.

- You wouldn't, perhaps,

Have a alibi for yourself this morning, would you?

- Where were you, frisbee?

- Around 8:32?

- Making a hammock.

I was making a hammock out of weeds.

- Can I see that?

- It didn't go very well.

I don't know-- no, it frayed up.

- It frayed up on you. - Yeah.

- So if we were to take a look at your hands,

We wouldn't see any of the blue paint

That the bomb let off, that the bank put in--

- Dye bomb in the bag, frisbee.

Blue dye bomb. No hiding it.

- No.

- Let's see the hands.

Huh?

[cracks knuckles]

- You want to talk to it?

- No, we don't want to talk to the hands.

- Shit.

- Sorry to do that to you.

- Stay out of trouble.

You know anybody else that has a crossbow?

- Get in the house!

- On the ground!

- On the ground, frisbee! On the ground!

- Set the beer down, get on the ground.

Don't drink the beer, set it--

Goddamn it, frisbee, get on the ground.

- No, don't--don't do it.

Frisbee, no! Frisbee, no!

- [slurp]

[siren]

[siren]

- We don't need reese, you know?

No.

And for an italian--

I don't think reese is an italian name.

I mean--

- I bet he changed it.

- I bet he did, too.

- Them italians change it.

- Yeah. Probably, uh--

- Reesatoni.

- Or corleone, or something like that.

- Giovanni corleone reesatoni.

- Reesatoni. Yeah.

- I'm surprised they let italians

Be police officers.

I mean, that's-- to me that seems like...

Letting pedophiles be teachers.

You know? It just don't--

It seems like the opposite of what we should be doing,

If we're giving italians guns

And putting them in charge of crime--

That's already what they do.

- [snickering]

- What do you call that, reese?

- It's tai chi.

- Tai what? - Gesundheit!

- [laughter]

- [coughing]

- An ancient form of chinese meditation,

Exercise, and becoming one with the universe and nature.

- Tai chi?

Wasn't that the monkey on that "speed racer" show?

- Uh, yeah, right.

- It helps you fight ancient criminals that move real slow.

- Ha ha!

- Now he's, like, pushing a file cabinet.

Push the file cabinet.

- Get ready to punch the file cabinet.

- Punch the file cabinet.

- He's pulling the...

Ah, hey, looks, it's, uh, you know,

It's that girl. What's-her-face. Uh...

- What's up, fellas?

- Yeah.

- Something.

- Something.

- Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy.

Wax on. Wax off.

- [laughter]

- Hai!

- Travis? - Oh, shit!

- Jones! - Holy shit!

- Hey, that was not cool.

- The new rookie reese is...

I mean, I don't want to be, you know, inappropriate or...

Unprofessional, but if he was a grape,

I would suck the love juice right out of his body.

- So what do y'all think about the karate kid?

- Mmm! - [laughing]

- I had to stop myself from writing

"mrs. Clementine reese" on all my reports. Hello.

- I'm like, "hi. How you doing?

What's your name?" ha ha!

Love him! Who do I hate?

The little--the little-- - blonde girl!

- "hi. I'm gonna go crochet my own kevlar."

Whoops!

"I gotta go do cartwheels over to tampon machine.

- "hi! Hi! Nice to meet you.

I hope I get to work with you one day."

- [laughter]

- Hey. How you doin', wiegel?

Williams? What's up, clemmy?

- What's up, you? - Hi, lady.

- How's it goin'?

- Got your sweat suit on. - Yeah.

- Booking is that way.

You gotta take him all the way back.

- All right. Ok.

Well, I'll see you later, then.

- Ok. - Ok.

- Ok. Come on.

- Take care.

- Nice to talk to you. - See you later.

- Ok.

- Who's that? - I don't remember.

- I don't like when people know you that you don't know.

- Yeah, it's very suspicious.

- "oh, hi." like, "I know your name."

- I don't know who she is,

But that was a big perp she brought in.

- That was a big guy.

- Oh, craig.

These conjugal visits are so wonderful.

So romantic.

- I could just stare at you all day long.

- Ohh...

I wish we had all day.

- Hold on. Give me a second here.

[toilet flushes]

- You really have it pretty good in here.

- Yeah.

It's a lot more spacious than I thought they'd give us.

- Yeah. - It's pretty sweet.

I like the pink walls, you know?

- Pink is a good color for intimacy.

- Yeah. Pink and yellows.

Oh, I see what you're getting at.

- What? I wasn't, no, I wasn't getting at anything.

- Oh, I thought you were being...

So, anyways, I guess we should maybe

Do a scenario or something.

- How about, um, we're both work at, um...

A corporation.

- Ok. - Ok.

- Mmm, I think I'm gonna have lunch now.

- All right.

- Do you want some of my lunch?

- No, thanks. I'm not hungry right now.

Would you like to take a look at what I'm typing?

- Oh.

I see you're writing a love letter to somebody.

- No, it's not a love letter.

It's just a...

No, I'm not writing a love letter.

It's just a--a memo to the boss.

This isn't working, right?

- I think we have, like, 4 minutes left.

I feel like we haven't used this...

- Wisely.

- Yeah. I'm not--

I'm not feeling sexual right now.

- I'm not either, and that's ok, isn't it?

- Yeah.

- That doesn't mean that our relationship

Is odd in any way.

- No.

- I think things are going well.

- I think they're going very well,

And I think it's weird when someone says,

"hey, go have sex in that room right now."

- Right.

We're gonna wait outside the door

With shotguns while you have sex in that room.

- Right. Don't feel sexy, mister.

- Right.

[scoffs]

- So, uh, it's been a long week,

But the moment of truth is here.

Last night I decided who our new deputy would be.

- I vote for reese.

- You don't get a vote.

- I--

I do, too.

- You also get no vote.

- On behalf of all the women, we all vote for reese.

- All right, so that's 3 votes...

Equal--equaling zero because it's my decision.

Anyway, uh...

- Do we get a vote?

- The fellas? - Yeah.

- Do you think you do?

I'm sorry, you also get no vote.

Uh, it was a very hard decision.

Uh, I took a lot of things into account,

And, uh, I decided on reese.

- [cheering]

- Yes! - Gimme 5!

- Uh, buh--buh--buh-- and then, uh,

Apparently last night his national guard unit

Got called up, so he's going to tikrit and, uh,

Took himself out of the running.

And, uh, the girl--jackson--

- Yes, yes.

- ...Is, uh, going on to do ultimate fighting

Or something, I heard.

So we're going with kimball.

- Who?

- Kimball.

- Who's that? - Again, who?

- Well, she looks like, uh...

[knock on door]

Oh, kimball.

- Hey, could you all maybe give me a hand here?

I collared these few guys.

I just need to book 'em.

- Just--just book 'em.

The forms are right there.

Help her out.

- We put the guys who did bad things in the jail.

- Oh, all right.

- It's very self-explanatory.

You'll figure it out.

- All right, move it, come on!

- Rookie.

- That one. That's the one. Kimball.

She had, like, 17 arrests.

- I don't mean to be sexist,

But she doesn't really fill out a sweat suit.

- No, she doesn't, really.

[siren]

[siren]

- Ok, gang, so let's give a very warm welcome

To the newest member of our family,

Deputy kimball. Come on up.

- Wow. Ha ha.

Hey, everybody.

Uh, my name is deputy-- I like saying that--

Deputy kimball.

I just--I did want to say that

I don't want anybody to feel threatened

Or like I'm replacing anybody,

'cause that is not the case...

From what I've been told.

- [muttering]

- I know I can be intimidating at times,

You know, it's like, I'm wooden on the outside--

On the inside it's more like pudding.

- Ok.

- Ok, all right, ok.

- Ok. Pudding on the inside, wonderful.

Captioning made possible by mtv networks

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

- I'm sort of like--

You remember when they added oliver

To "the brady bunch"?

You remember that little boy with the blond hair?

- Yeah, that's sort of when it all went downhill.

- Well, but my point is,

I wasn't jan, you know what I'm saying,

When they switched jan.

- Kind of like on "the cosby show"

When they brought in the little cute little girl thing.

- Right, yeah.

- You're basically like a spare tire...

In case one of us goes flat.

- Kind of like frasier on "cheers," kind of.

- Very much so.

- I enjoy that program, I'll tell you that.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0