Original subtitles

( garcia ) come on, people.

Let's go, presidente whoever-you-are,

God damn it.

( jones ) I can't hold it.

I can't hold it, either.

Shit, oh, shit.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Fuck it. Okay, forget it.

Shit.

I gotta go, I gotta go...

God damn.

Oh !

Ah, that's good.

( vehicles passing )

Shit... Oh, son of a--

Son of a bitch !

Shit, son of a bitch !

Hey !

God damn it ! God damn it !

Jesus christ !

Whoo ! Come here !

( tires screeching )

Oh... Ah !

Whoa !

( growling )

( sirens blaring )

( siren wailing )

( dangle ) anybody see "the office" last night ?

What's that ?

( wiegel ) they talk like...

( british accent ) "hello, my name is samuel."

I don't know their names on it,

But they talk funny, and they work in an office.

They're really funny.

It's very good.

Uh, and I guess that's about it.

Unless, uh...

Anybody else has anything they want to add...

Of interest.

Why are you wearing that thing on your head ?

This thing on my head is called a "burka"

And I am exercising my religious freedom, all right ?

I stand before you raineesha x,

All praise is due to allah.

( clattering )

It's from the homeland-security training.

( junior ) I'm sorry, I thought she was gonna--

No, no, good instinct.

She don't have a bomb.

No, no, she didn't have a-- ( clicks tongue )

( williams ) things have changed for me,

Because, see, my eyes were opened to the truth--

The truth that the white man is the devil, huh ?

In the koran...

Okay, I'm not sure everything it says,

'cause I just got it--

But I know that it talks about y'all being the devil.

Thanks to the nation of islam...

I'm free.

Is this gonna be a problem doing your job

Now that you're... Nation of muslim ?

Don't be aggressive with me, okay ?

I wasn't being aggressive.

Don't hate me 'cause I found the truth.

And now that my eyes are open, ha, you can't have me,

'cause, see, I was had, I was took.

I been hoodwinked, bamboozled.

Y'all have run amok.

Hornswoggled.

Thank you, brother.

And fandangled. Thank you.

Tittie-boozled.

No.

Well, I support you, sister.

I'm not your sister, cracker jack.

Whatever.

So, are you quitting because we're the devil ?

You can't run me out of here !

I'm gonna do what I got to do !

Deal with it, crackers !

There's a new sheriff in town. Ha !

Asalaam alaikum.

Alaikum salaam, brother.

Okay, where was I ?

( people shouting )

Ho, ho, ho !

( whistles )

Hey, hey !

Afro-man, here we go !

Hey, hey !

People ! People !

Make some noise for j.Lo !

( cheers and applause )

Wait a minute-- we got some new contestants-- here we go !

Here's gay cop !

( cheers )

( crowd chanting ) gay cop ! Gay cop !

Gay cop ! Gay cop !

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold on.

Slut cop, ladies and gentlemen, slut cop !

( cheering )

Slut ! Slut ! Slut !

( dangle whistles ) people !

All right, you crazy drunks, this is for the $500 prize.

I'm in, I'm in.

$500 cash ?

$500 cash, big man.

Here we go. Who's gonna get it ?

Gay cop, show 'em what you got, baby.

500 big ones.

( cheering )

That's what I'm talking about !

( crowd chanting ) gay cop ! Gay cop !...

That's pretty good. That's pretty good.

Let's give it up for the crowd favorite, slut cop.

Slut cop !

( chanting ) slut ! Slut ! Slut !...

( cheers and whistles )

( gunshot )

Party's over !

Gay cop says party's over.

To me, it don't make sense

That you gotta pray facing a certain way.

If god's everywhere, shouldn't you be able to,

You know, face any which way when you pray ?

Like, is his receiver somewhere in the middle east,

And he's listening to the receiver or something ?

Yeah, that's like I have a plan with god,

But it's like a bad cell plan--

It doesn't work in certain areas.

Five calls a day.

That's right.

See, I got anytime minutes with my god.

Hallelujah. 24-7.

( snoring )

All praise is due to allah.

Mornin' to ya.

Just in time for lunch.

You got that rug at the swap meet,

And I know it glows in the dark.

I'm gonna go get some bacon.

I don't hear the devil when the devil speaks.

Wow.

What ?

You are hot. ( chuckles )

Look at this-- this is really working for you,

And it's working on me... Huh ?

Thank you.

I mean, that wasn't what it was all about, but thanks.

I know, but what say you and me, squad car, now ?

Let's go, huh ?

Oh, no, I can't do that anymore.

I am a forbidden fruit.

Yeah, but I'm hungry, so let's eat, let's go.

No, no, no.

I will let you take me on a proper date.

Proper date ? Yeah.

All right, whatever it takes.

Pick me up tomorrow.

Okay.

You and me-- proper date-- boom.

Oh, man, this is too easy.

Let's get him.

Hey, here we go, come on.

There you go.

Another student driver, here we go.

It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

Hey turn off your engine.

Let me see your driver's license and registration.

I-I don't have a driver's license.

You're driving without a license, sir ?

Well, I'm training to get--

You don't have a driver's license ?

Well, I have three more hours on my driver's training.

Step out of the car.

Follow my hand, sir-- follow it.

Are you following his hand ?

Close your eyes, tip your head back.

I took some cough medicine, but I didn't think--

You took what ? What'd you take ?

It was homeopathic, there was no--

Why, why ?

Why are you taking homo cough medicine ?

Shut up and walk towards me.

Okay, that's good enough, you're in a lot of trouble.

Do you know what you were doing here today ?

You realize what you could've been doing ?

This will--

Look at my partner when he's talking to you.

No, look at him. I'm gonna talk to you.

Listen to him.

Look at me and listen to him.

Look at him while I'm talking to you, okay ?

Step over here, sir.

Step over here so we can talk about you.

We should just take him to jail.

Nah, I don't wanna take him in--

Okay !

Oh ! Oh !

You're not stopping me from getting my license !

Listen, sir--

No, no, you listen to me !

Yeah, look at me and listen to me, right ?!

Look over there and listen to that-- how's that feel ?!

Okay, turn around and listen, right ?!

I want you in first, and I want you facing away,

And I want you in second.

I don't wanna hurt you guys, I just wanna make fun of you.

Oh, my god... Oh god.

( garcia ) we're trapped inside our car...

Residential street-- murphy, 3 1/2 miles--

Shut up ! I can hear you talking !

Okay, okay !

( jones ) I can't breathe.

Come on, now.

( screaming )

Sorry !

We-we-we were playing--

( thumping & screaming )

Islam's for-- I mean, I don't want to be racist,

But it seems like islam's for black people.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Well, there's two kinds of islam.

And I don't mean that in a nice way.

No, there's two kinds of islam--

There's the browny version and the black version.

The thing is with islam,

It's a religion that involves a sort of costume outfit,

And you're not gonna get a lot of white people

To join a religion that involves a costume.

No, I don't like wearing this every day.

We had a rather major bust this morning.

A couple of croatians were making counterfeit $5 bills

Out here in this little workshop.

We have to count all of it

Before we hand it over to the secret service,

Who handle it from there.

Okay, I'm at 16,300 right here.

16,305, 16,310...

Jim and I have been doing this for, like,

6 hours or 7 hours.

It feels like 10 hours,

'cause when you're sitting in a hot room like this,

It feels like...

Y'know, just 1 hour can feel like 5 hours or 10 hours.

I mean, it's only been, realistically--

Stop, stop, stop.

What ?

Where was I ?

Where was I what ?

16,340, $16,345...

( chair creaking )

Jim, listen, it sounds like my chair's farting.

16,350. 16,355, 16,360...

Phew !

Phew !

Oh, I shouldn't have had that burrito at lunch, jim.

Oh, god damn it ! God damn it !

Hey.

Real good.

You look great.

Thank you.

I mean, you really look...

I mean, when you said you were down for anything,

I didn't know you were-- you know.

We gonna date, we gonna date right, right ?

I went on the internet, and I saw how they looked,

And so I said, "hey, I'm gonna try it out."

I like it.

I like this.

You look real nice.

Look at this-- looks good.

Okay, but don't touch me, though.

Huh ? You can't do that.

Hmm.

The nation is calling !

Hello.

How you doing, sister ?

We just wanted to pass out some information on the nation,

All right, on the white devils

And what they're trying to do

To the black man here in america.

( jones ) you look a little mixed,

Like you got some kind of something in your family,

Like a little-- some negroid or something.

Mm-hmm, embrace it. Crucify the whiteness.

Embrace...

Your negroidness.

There you go.

Yeah, 'cause the white devil

Is infiltrating your neighborhood.

All right ? But the nation is here.

Have no fear-- the nation is here.

Hey, yeah.

We gonna leave you that.

Thing long, you think wrong.

Ha !

See, you gotta call them out.

Yeah, you just tell the truth,

Okay, you tell what you know--

That they are evil, that white people are the devil,

All right, they straight from the pit of hell,

And you just have to call that stuff out,

And if they can't handle it, that ain't your problem,

'cause, see, you got the truth on your-- hey !

Huh ? No... No, no, no.

Oh, god, I'm so hot !

I don't even balance my own checkbook at home.

I don't know why we're bothering.

20, 25, 30...

Do you know how much money I have in my account at home ?

45, 50, 55...

$42.

But they don't let you take out just $42.

You have to take out, like, $40,

But then you're left with $2,

And then they don't let you take $2 out.

You have to go to the guy and go,

"please, sir, could I please ?

There's $2 in my bank account, and it's my $2 !"

Why don't you go get some air for a second ?

How's that ?

Would you like anything ?

I'm good. Okay.

5...

You sure you don't want anything ?

I could go to 7-eleven.

Okay.

I think this whole islamic, uh...

Religion, uh, voodoo, hojo, uh, weird crap

Is poisoning the minds of all our foreigners

And dark-colored people in this country,

And if they'd just learn to be regular

White, christian, upstanding citizens--

No, you can't learn to be white.

You can't learn to be white.

You can act a certain way that this country was founded on

Instead of throwing down carpets

On any empty space you see

And refusing to eat pork.

Okay, be nice, because there's two kinds of muslims.

There's nation of islam-- black guys--

And regular muslims, and there's a difference.

The nation of islam muslims want to kill all the white people,

And the other muslims want to kill everyone else.

No, no...

Sir, hey ! Hey, man !

Can we holler at you for a second ?

Yeah, we're gonna holler at you, all right ?

Listen, buddy, the nation is here, all right ?

So better stay clear.

We're here...

And we're here to tell you that...

We're calling you out, sir.

You have wronged our people.

Your people have wronged our people, all right ?

We have been hoodwinked...

Bamboozled... Bamboozled...

And run amok.

What ! Do you know any black people ?

( chuckles ) no, you don't.

He don't know black people.

Walk in the truth, sir.

Walk in the truth-- that's all we trying to do.

( jones ) also, we were taking donations.

Donations for reparations, my white brother.

Hey, you put a little anger in this time.

See, that took it over, I liked it.

Well, I put a little bass in my throat.

Right, the anger worked well,

I liked that.

You were like, "sir, sir !"

( man ) ... Big jelly doughnut, that just--

Yeah...

Uh...

J-jehovah loves you.

Jehovah loves you.

Get 'em, jonesy ! Get 'em !

Oh, god, I'm so hot !

Oh, oh...

Does that feel good ?

Yeah, it feels good, actually.

Yeah ?

Yeah, you blowing on me ?

Whew, whew...

Oh, god, that feels terrific.

Yeah ?

I'll blow on you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, ooh... That feels good.

Ooh, ooh.

Oh, that feels good.

Do me, again.

Oh, do you.

You do me. I'll do you.

Oh, oh...

All right...

What's going on, sir ?

Inside, come on.

Are there weapons, sir ?

No.

( woman screeching )

( garcia ) t.T., you want some stick time ?

( woman ) leave her alone !

Leave her alone !

Look out !

I got her this way !

Titi !

All right-- ho, ho, ho, ho.

Get him, girl ! Get him, girl !

Get him !

Titi !

( garcia ) can anybody tell me what's going on here ?

( woman ) she told us that she had fallen in love,

And for us to come here.

We put this whole wedding together.

Calm down.

Ow, that hurt !

Everybody...

I got an announcement.

The groom is here.

Let the party begin, y'all come on.

( garcia ) yeah, the groom's here, titi

Hey, padre, get over there and marry them.

Just say, "I do."

No, okay, no, that's not gonna happen.

No, gimme that stick back !

You give me that-- ho, ho.

No-- hey, hey, hey. Ho, ho, ho.

Okay.

( everyone shouting )

( jones ) no, no, no !

Titi-- t--

We are all going to jail !

We are all going to jail !

I don't know about this whole williams business

Of wearing a god damn beekeeper's uniform

And claiming to pray to some guy named "mahalo"

Or whatever it is.

I think it's just crazy talk and an excuse to get attention.

I think she's trying to get jones all bothered,

And I think it's a waste of time,

And I think it's dangerous.

And I don't know how she can get to her guns

Or any of her weapons with that big, long batman cape on.

I guess she's not allowed to touch men,

But it's okay for her to shoot them and mace them,

Which is a weird distinction to make

In any religion, I think.

Yeah.

You ought to be able to touch somebody.

If you're gonna kill them, you ought to be able to touch them.

I agree.

( junior ) I'm getting used to this whole look here.

You look like mary in the passion play

If the color's a little futzy.

Yeah, and the vertical hold is off a little bit.

( jones ) my sister,

You need to enjoy the fruits of my bounty.

Uh, williams...

Excuse me-- "x."

Raineesha x.

Right, I got it.

I got your request here for paid leave

For the entire month of ramadan,

'cause apparently you have to fast and pray,

And you can't travel to work-- things like that.

That's right.

An entire month, yeah.

I've made it clear, didn't I ?

Yeah, I got it, and I got it and stamped it approved,

And then, to the mail at the station today came

Your reservations at the atlantis resort casino

For 28 days of fun in the sun

And a all-you-can-eat buffet.

See--

These aren't related, are they ?

Okay, okay, hold on.

I--

Okay, you know what ?

I'm listening-- the white devil's listening.

Yes, they're related, okay ?

I'm gonna go ahead, and I'm gonna come clean.

I...

I was saying what I was saying about the nation

'cause I wanted the whole month off, so that's the truth.

I appreciate your honesty.

I know you're probably not gonna let me go now

Because of that,

And so my tickets are gonna basically be wasted, but...

No, I don't care if you go, you can go.

Just-- just don't lie.

I can go ?

Well, you got a lot of sick leave, anyway, so...

Thank you.

Sure.

I appreciate that.

And sorry about the "white devil" thing.

I was just playing.

I get it all the time and worse.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Key chains for everybody ?

Shot glass for you.

I collect things made out of clams.

Nothing for you.

( wiegel ) to have the little-- wah-wah ?Our days off

Which one are you getting ?

Because you came to me and you said

You had two procedures coming up.

One was a "wah-wah," and one was like a "nrrrr."

No, this is-- the four-day procedure is wah-wah.

I thought the nrrrr,

Where they go in the other way was longer.

Which is the one where they're gonna do a little camera ?

That's a scraping, that's a 4-day.

That's the 4-day ?

Which sound does it go with ?

Because I actually don't remember.

( johnson ) and we all cross our legs.

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