Original subtitles

Surprise !

Happy birthday ! Happy birthday ! Happy birthday !

Happy birthday, honey !

Thank you !

It's a rifle !

It's pointing at right me, trudy.

It's loaded too, careful.

( cheering )

Oh ! Oh !

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh !

Okay.

I get it !

I can get it ! ( dangle ) trudy.

Oh, she's going over the wall.

She's gone, it's good.

It'll be a fun day for her.

( dangle ) happy birthday !

( cheering )

Whoo ! Come here !

( tires screeching )

Oh... Ah !

Whoa !

( growling )

( sirens blaring )

( siren wailing )

( dangle ) I got this in last night...

The state of nevada is trying to pass a referendum

Where state and local government employees

Cannot have moustaches.

Has anyone seen this, prop 551 ?

That is bullshit !

What the hell is that ?

They're trying to take away our moustaches.

That ain't fair.

They will take my moustache

From my cold, dead upper lip, my friend.

I ain't coming into work without a 'stache.

Junior, you was born with that moustache, wasn't you ?

Hell, yeah.

It's my daddy's moustache.

Or he had a similar one.

I don't want to work here without a moustache.

I really don't.

I don't want to work here, either.

Well, you have a very light moustache, so lucky you.

It is time for a bleaching.

I see a blue pickup truck, robin's egg blue,

A 1973 dodge laredo with expired tags.

It's turning, it's pulling in.

There's an orange door with the number 27.

And I see a sign.

It says "sparks self storage."

( johnson ) oh, brilliant.

They're pulling their energy back.

That's it.

Thank you for your light, your energy,

And everything that you bring to the table.

( garcia ) ask her if she saw elvis.

I want you to shut up.

You must run into skeptics all the time.

I do.

How long have you been looking for evidence,

Four weeks now ?

About four weeks.

And how many leads do you have ?

We got a couple.

We got none. You got zero.

Now you have your answer.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, scrotal sac torn, bleeding,

Waving in the wind, flapping, flapping.

You're gonna lose your left ball

Before midnight tomorrow night.

Ohh.

Ohh.

What ?

I'm gonna lose my what, my ball ?

Your testicle is in great danger.

Oh, my gosh.

What ?

That's bullshit, that's what it is.

I ain't scared.

It's not bullshit, but think positive.

That's bullshit, lady, bullshit.

Whoa ! Whoa !

( panting )

( garcia ) oh, my god.

I don't believe in psychics, per se.

I did have a conversation with my uncle frederick

On a ouija board once,

And he told me where he had buried

Some old l.P.S and jeans.

And I went and looked,

And I hit a gas line at my mom's old place,

And the fire department came

And it was a bit of a hubbub.

And then I stopped contacting the dark side, really.

( radio ) yeah, this is travis junior

Reporting in from sparks self-storage.

Yeah, everything's here.

Door 27, underneath the tarp, all the merchandise.

That chick was right.

Holy mother of god.

( screaming )

How you doing, father ? How you doing ?

Good. How you doing ?

Funeral...

Why, god ?!

This can't happen.

She drove everybody out of here.

Can you please just take care of this, please ?

We'll take care of it.

Sorry about that.

Titi ! Titi !

Hey, sweetheart.

Titi ! No, no...

Grab her, go around that side.

Titi, slow down.

Titi, we're not doing this again, girl.

We're not doing this again.

Titi, no, oh !

Slow down, slow down.

That's all right.

Oh, I loved him ! You loved him ?

Damn, damn, damn !

Okay, okay.

( screeching cry )

Yeah, he was good.

We have to leave, though, sweetheart.

We got to go, titi.

You scared everyone.

Oh, lord, he was old.

Oh, give me my stick !

Okay, we got the stick down again.

Titi is in the funeral home.

Titi !

Calm down.

I got you, I got you.

Yeah. Okay.

All right, we got to go.

We're sorry.

Calm down.

No, no ! Titi, no !

Titi, stop !

Titi !

He was so good to me.

We have to take you away, okay ?

He was so-- wait, wait, wait.

Let me just pay my last respects.

( sobbing )

Who is that ?

( wailing siren )

Hi, sheriff's department.

Oh, I didn't do anything.

No, no, it's all right.

Don't run, don't run.

Sir, I wonder if we could take a moment of your time today.

The state government is trying to pass a bill--

Oh, my god.

Oh, no, oh, no.

It's all right. It's all right, no, it's all right.

Well, you can help us out.

Oh, all right, I thought it was a bad thing.

What the state government would like us to do

Is they're trying to require us

To perform our job moustacheless.

Moustacheless ?

Yes, without the aid of moustaches,

And we're trying to get 2,000 signatures

Here on this petition.

Why don't they like the moustache ?

Sir...

I'll probably tell you why...

All them "bureaucrats," they got to do something.

I think I know why. Why is that ?

'cause you look like gigolos with moustaches.

You look like paid male companions.

Well, I can sign.

Do you have, like, a "maybe" column ?

What's your name, sir ?

Larrie plum, p-l-u-m.

Larrie plum. Larrie plum.

L-a-r-r-I-e.

I-e ?

Yeah, larrie--

"larrie" with an "I-e" ?

Yeah, same pronunciation.

Well, we had two larrys in the family, so they went--

One was "y" and one "I-e" except after "c."

Initial next to your signature there.

Sure.

What am I signing now ?

Thank you. We're good.

Well, good luck to you in your chosen field.

What a weirdo.

( wailing siren )

( wailing siren )

Jones is scared white.

Boy, he's walking around, protecting his jewels

Like they was worth more than the crown jewels.

He's, y'know, he's keeping away from anything that's

Nut-level and sharp.

Yeah.

Now, I don't mean this in a racial way,

But did you ever go to the zoo,

And you see that gorilla that's kind of pacing back and forth,

And he's grabbing the tire,

And he's about to throw his shit

And he's getting all nervous ?

That's what jones looks like right now.

Not in a racial way.

( cheering )

( dangle ) oh, yeah !

Well, it's a very exciting day for us.

We had a little money left over in the budget last year,

And we finally got ourselves

One of these new-fangled bomb robots

They're making over in israel.

( applauding )

Hey, bomb robot, have a cold one.

( dangle imitates robot voice ) yes, delicious human beer.

Beer for robot.

Can he do a toast ?

Beer for my robot homies.

( jones ) oh-oh.

Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da.

Go, robot, robot.

Danger, danger, will robinson, danger.

Oh !

Ohh !

( screaming )

( dangle ) sorry !

I didn't do it on purpose !

You did it on purpose !

I did not do it on purpose !

You know what the psychic said !

I didn't do it on purpose.

Aah, get it away from me !

No one understands !

Oh, man.

( crying )

Come here, jonesy.

( junior ) you did it on purpose, right ?

Of course I did it on purpose.

But it didn't look like I was looking, did it ?

( screech )

Oh, man, look at this.

This breaks my heart.

Broad daylight, in the middle of broad daylight.

What have we told you about this neighborhood ?

They got neighborhood watch.

They call us every time you're out here.

What do you think we stopped for ?

Probably-- okay, okay, okay, just, all right, listen.

I just want you to know that I was talking to those ladies,

And I don't know exactly--

They were hookers.

I assumed that they were hookers,

But I want you to know my reasoning.

Yeah, I think you were right in that assumption.

Well, just so you know, it's my birthday.

You think your birthday gives you

Special license to break the law ?

No, I just, you know,

Never with a woman, I've never...

I've never...

Made it... Sweet.

You've never gotten laid.

What's the big deal ? Yeah, still a virgin.

Does your mom know you're here ?

Yeah, well, actually, yeah, actually, that's her.

Hi ! Hi, ma.

With the video camera, yeah.

How much money you got on you ?

Well, my mom kind of gave me a blank check,

So I guess it's...

Goddamn.

Will you adopt me ?! ( whistles )

Yeah, no kidding.

I'm just kidding.

You was talking to the kind of juggy sister.

Is that what you're looking for ?

You're looking for kind of a big kind of african queen ?

I'm thinking about,

I'm thinking about a jewish woman.

You sure ?

There's a real great--

Like, you're about two blocks away from

A brothel that's all-japanese, all-japanese.

All japanese ?

It's enticing.

I just, I think that...

I think that I should probably start jewish

And then maybe work my way...

We'll do him right !

A jewish brothel !

You're right, they have them.

Do you want jewish, or is that your mom who wants that ?

Take me to the all-asian.

All-asian place.

Yeah, you got it, you got it.

We're going to "the burning bush."

You're gonna go out

To virginia and make a left.

Just follow us.

We'll lose her. We'll lose her.

I'll get around this corner,

And there is no way that soccer-mom van

Can keep up with a crown vic.

Awesome.

Whoo-hoo !

( wailing siren )

I don't want to see what garcia looks like

Without a moustache.

I don't want to see what junior looks like.

Dangle, you can kind of already see what he looks like.

I agree. He probably looks okay.

I'm with you.

But junior...

I think junior may be hiding a harelip.

That's what I was trying to say.

I forgot that's what they call that,

Like when your lip is up like that.

Harelip. Harelip.

Look at this.

Harelip, harelip.

Harelip. Harelip.

I can't do it.

Harelip. Harelip.

Harelip. Harelip.

I got a harelip. I got a harelip.

I don't want to shave my moustache.

Harelips, 10 cents, harelips.

Can you sign my petition ?

Brother, can you spare a harelip ?

The sheriff's department is trying to take away

Our moustaches as deputies,

And we're getting a petition together

To see if we can hold onto 'em for a little while.

So if you wouldn't mind putting

Your john henry on there, you'd do us a big favor.

Wait, what ?

We want you to sign this petition.

We're trying to keep our moustaches.

They're trying to take them away.

If you could just put your old john williams on there,

That would really give us a good--

I don't get it.

This doesn't make any sense, kind of.

Well, that's what we think, too.

We think the same thing.

It's just completely stupid.

I don't necessarily--

I mean, you guys look like a bunch of butt darts--

What, what, what, what ?

We look like "butt darts" ?

( wailing siren )

( wailing siren )

How you doing today, sir ?

Muy buena.

Muy buena, gonna need to have you

Step out of the car for me.

( speaking spanish )

Yes, si, you step out of the car for me.

( speaking spanish )

Cabeza, head.

You, hands on your head, down on your knees.

Do it.

Just, comprende.

( ding )

( screeching tires )

Got a 911 call, domestic disturbance.

Here we are.

Oh.

Sheriff's department ! Sheriff's department !

You call us ?

Right here, this way.

What's going on, ma'am ? It's my brother.

He said he's gonna rip my baby's head off.

Jesus christ !

Get out of the-- come out, come out !

Come out with the baby, come out with the baby !

Come out with the baby !

Oh, jesus, sir ?

I'll pop it right off, I'll step on it !

It's a squeaky baby.

Are you her husband ? No.

Give her the squeaky baby.

Give her the squeaky--

( wiegel ) that's not necessary.

( dangle ) you are not her husband ?

No, I'm her brother.

He's my brother, and he won't let me go out on dates.

But I need to find a proper daddy for my baby.

Now, you got two choices right here,

You got two choices:

You can apologize, or you can go to jail.

I'm sorry.

Really ?

Yeah, look at me. No.

Can't. Look at me.

Look at me. Fine.

I'm sorry, all right.

That's nice.

I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I love you.

I know, I love you, too.

I love you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no !

Where does it say I can't french my sister ?

I don't know for a fact that it says that,

But I'm saying it right now.

( woman ) don't worry.

( man ) so, now you're making up laws.

( screaming )

( dangle ) shit, shit...

( wiegel ) do not make out !

Do not hump, do not dry-hump !

Do not dry-hump in this vehicle.

No, no, no, no, no !

Not only do I not believe

That jones is gonna lose his balls in some weird accident,

But I don't even believe--

And I know you say you were there and you saw it--

I don't even believe that the psychic

Ever even said that.

What I think is that, once again,

This is another attempt by jones

To have everyone focusing on his balls.

And I'm not gonna fall for it.

Reno sheriff's department, open up !

( barking dog )

Sheriff's department, open up !

( man ) wrong house !

No, it isn't ! Open up, sir !

Open the damn door.

Y'all don't come in here, I got a dog !

We don't give a goddamn about no damn dog !

Open up the damn door !

Sir, we're coming in !

Open this door !

I ain't opening nothing !

Do it, jones, do it.

Ahh ! ( barking )

( screaming )

Oh, my god !

Oh, shit !

Okay, people, for five points

On your motor-vehicle safety exam...

It's a movie.

Three words.

Men in-- oh.

Third word.

Bananas.

Bananas. Bananas !

Let's go bananas, let's go bananas !

Woody allen's "bananas," the third--

Flies, flies. Get out of here.

Shoo, shoo fly.

Bugs. Kill.

Flies.

Swat.

Bee, bee, bee.

"be my banana."

Penis guy.

Penis guy jones.

It's not "penis guy jones."

I just got very excited.

You're not supposed to be guessing. Okay.

We need members of the community

To help us out by signing this petition.

If you'd sign it tonight,

That'll let us keep our moustaches,

Which will let us keep you safe.

So we'd appreciate your signatures tonight.

Okay.

Fantastic.

Can we sign our character names ?

Sure, yeah, go ahead.

First syllable.

Her.

Herbie.

"herbie and the bananas" !

"herbie goes bananas" ! "herbie goes bananas" !

Nice. Five.

Okay, we only got 6...

6½ more hours of this, people.

( wailing siren )

( wailing siren )

What's our opinion on the department

Banning moustaches ?

Check out the action on these.

You can't tell whether I'm smiling or I'm angry

When I do that, hmm ?

Poker face.

Yeah.

Am I going for my gun ?

My lip's not telling you.

That's right.

Unh-unh.

Where am I going in my killin' window ?

Gun, mace, cuffs ?

Am I gonna hug you, or am I gonna choke you out ?

This ain't saying.

And with this, forget it.

He could bluff me with a two.

Am I mad at you ?

I'm folding right now.

Am I about to help you find the arby's ?

You don't know.

I'll say I admire your conviction...

Turning in your badge and gun.

Keeps them wild dogs away from you, huh ?

Past midnight.

I got my ball.

I got all my balls.

Hey, jones, that clock's fast, buddy.

It's 11:58.

He's right-- ohh ! Ohh !

Oh, I'm so--

( moaning )

Okay, ice, ice, ice, ice.

Get ice.

I'm just gonna put some pressure on, okay ?

( screaming )

No, don't !

I'm just applying pressure !

I'm trying to help you.

( junior ) dangle, I think you're gonna need to go get ice,

If you're gonna ice that.

Jim, jim, let go of it !

( screeching tires )

( dangle ) uh, kind of good news, gang.

They got our petition,

But now for some reason moustaches are mandatory.

( williams ) what ?

Jim, does that mean the women, too ?

It doesn't specify, but it says "mandatory."

This is the scissors they have.

I used it to cut my shirt

Because my other shirt was too big, and it was gross.

Hi, morning.

Scissors.

Not supposed to touch these, terry.

I didn't touch it.

( whispering ) I didn't know.

( playing harmonica )

Hey, gang, how's everybody feeling ?

Not so good, I heard,

But the deputy jimbo one-man band

Is here to cheer you up.

♪ my gal is a highborn lady ♪

♪ she's black but she ain't too shady ♪

♪ pretty as a peacock just as gay ♪

♪ she's not colored she was born that way ♪

♪ oh, I'm proud of my black venus ♪

♪ no coon can come between us ♪

Okay, okay, I think that's enough.

Okay.

( woman ) movie.

Wait, hold on a second, I have to count.

( dangle ) sound it out in your head.

Movie !

One word ?

It took you that long to count one word ?

Three words.

First word.

You're mouthing it out.

"fast and the furious."

Whoo !

You mouthed it out, you said--

You mouthed--

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo !

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