All language subtitles for Reno 911 s02e04 Dangles Wife Visits.eng

( dangle )
how's it feel, gar-wood ?

It's breathable ?

Can you breathe from
your diaphragm in it ?

Yeah ?
They're cool.

Very exciting day
for us.

We got our brand-new
bulletproof vests in,

And they are 33% more
bullet-resistant.

They'll also stop
a hollow-point bullet,

So, thank you
for your tax dollars.

Fire in the hole !

( gunshots )

( sighs )

That was a little off.

Nice shooting, tex.

I was a little
off-balance.

Well, it's
beaner-proof.

I cannot believe you fellas
beat us at the alamo.

Whoo !
Come here !

( tires screeching )

Oh... Ah !

Whoa !

( growling )

( sirens blaring )

( siren wailing )

( dangle )
who put the, uh,

Osama bin laden
toilet paper

In the men's
water closet ?

Yeah ?
Yeah.

It's a little itchy, but...

Yeah, it is itchy,
but it is pretty funny.

We got a letter here
from the state supreme court.

You know that,
that giant 10 commandments

Somebody put on the
front lawn out there ?

Yeah, it's nice.

Well, we gotta get it out
of here, like, immediately.

State supreme court said it's
a violation of church and state,

Bah-bah-bah, we're open to
class-action lawsuits,

Boo, boo, boo...

Anyway, remove it,
immediately, so let's do it.

( jones )
we have to do it ?

Yes, and by "we,"
I of course mean...

You.

( man over pa )
attention, lt. Jim dangle,

Please report
to the front desk.

Your wife is here
to see you.

I heard that and
thought it was a rumor.

Ha !

Sheriff's department.

Oh, no,
hell, no.

You ain't got-- you ain't got
no business here !

You ain't go no business
here-- yeah, yeah.

Actually we do.
What, what ?

We saw an ad
in the paper...

Yeah, so what,
so what ?

My ad-- I give people
pleasure, all right ?

You.

Yeah, I see it,
I see it.

I put it in there,
I paid for it.

You need to have
a permit.

Ahh, see ?
What else am I--

God, that's,
that's classic.

"$10,000 pyramid."
things cops always say.

"do you have a permit ?"
ah !

You don't even know
if there's a bordello.

This is my pleasure palace,
you don't know what that means.

No, let me tell you something,
"pleasure" means whatever.

I'm giving pleasure.

If someone comes up to me
and says, "hey,

Would you like to sew
something with me ?"

Sure, if that gives you
pleasure, come on by.

If I happen to be nude
while we're doing it,

That's my prerogative,
'cause you don't know me.

You don't know me.

You want to plant a tree
for arbor day ?

Come on over,
that's a pleasure.

Whatever it is,
it doesn't matter.

It's a pleasure palace,
and that's it,

I'm giving out pleasure.

Is there any chance
that by "pleasure"

You mean having sex
with people for money ?

Well, of course !

Okay, thank you.

Oh, no, wait.

No, look, look, look, look,
look, look, look, look.

Oh, reverse the psychol--

Look, at least let me
put on my own cuffs.

I've done this before.

I get it.
I get it.

I've done this before.

Aha !

Ha ha haaa !
Ho ho !

Ha, ha !

Small businessman: 1,
reno cops: 0.

What are you
gonna do now ?

This is justice.

Oh, look, look...

Hey, the "keystone cops" called,
they want their bit back.

Hi.

Hi, deb.

Hi... Hi.

Wow, long time, no see.

I know.

Long time, no see.

Look at you.

Yeah...
Look at you.

I know,
look at not me.

Yeah, did you get that
gastric bypass surgery ?

I did, I had
the gastric bypass.

My god.

I know,
like 240 pounds.

I didn't even
recognize you.

You look like something
the old deb would've eaten.

( half-hearted laugh )

I'm jokin'.

You're right.

What brings you about ?

Well, you know...

This might be hard
for you, jim...

But I met someone.

Oh, you met a...
Fella.

Mm-hmm, and we'd like
to make it official.

So...

So we need to get
a divorce.

From me, okay.

So when did you have
in mind ?

I was thinking maybe you could
meet us tonight for dinner.

Tonight ? Oh, okay,
so really jump on it.

But if you're upset
about this,

Or you need to think it
through a little bit more,

Because I certainly could
think it through with you,

Or not, you know ?

It's probably for the best,
wouldn't you say ?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah ? Okay.

Okay.
Okay.

You might wanna wear pants
tonight, to the restaurant.

Do you have to wear pants
at chez leno ?

You might want to.

You don't have
to wear a jacket, but--

I know you love
your shorts.

( walkie-talkie
blaring )

I'm not your little
dapper dan doll, okay ?

I'm not your dapper
dan doll, deb.

I'll see you there.

Your dapper ?

Come on,
don't end like this.

Damn it, deb,
let's not fight !

Here we are again !

Boom !

I'll see you
at the divorce, okay ?

Okay.

It's kind of
ironic though,

How you and jones
never got married,

And here's a gay guy getting
married to a straight woman.

That's gotta take
the piss out of ya.

Hmm.

1, 2, 3 !

( all grunting )

I can feel it moving--
aah !

Aaaaah !

Go !
Gah !

Can we make, like,
a pushing chain ?

Aah !
Ow !

Owww !!

( johnson )
my boob !

( thwack )

Okay, okay !

Aaah !!

Why don't I kick with my legs,
and you guys push ?

( wiegel )
you're just trying to show off your vagina,

And that's not
gonna help anything.

I wasn't talking to you,
I was talking to her.

I know who you were
talking to.

Yeah, it is kind of...

Who's showing off
their vagina ?

Hold on-- okay.

( thump )

Ow ! Ow !
Oww !

( screaming )

Ow !

Ouch !

Here, try it,
see if you can,

If can peel the word of god
off the goddamn thing,

Then we might be able to just
get away with it sitting here.

Little baby !
Motherfuckin' !

Yeah, do it, jones,
do it, jones !

You're gettin' it.

( williams )
take it as a sign.

The public is here now,
the press is sure to follow.

( wiegel )
oh, hell.

I don't go to your job and
tell you you're goin' to hell.

It is hard to imagine dangle
married since he's been,

You know, so after me
for so long.

It's sort of-- I feel sorry
for the poor woman.

You know, she has
no idea how much...

Flirting he's been doing
and how just blatantly...

After my...

After your what ?

My vagina, he's been
for so many years.

Right.

Alright-- hold on.

Yo, yo, yo, yo !
Sheriff's department.

Sheriff's department.

Calm down,
everybody calm down.

Whoa !

I'll be right back,
and I'll take your statement.

Yeah, that's what
we're here for.

We'll look out for you.

How you doing ?
Congratulations.

Hold up, hold up.

You go take his statement,
and I'll go talk to the girls.

I got a great idea.

Why don't you take
their statement,

And I'll go over here

And I'll get one of these
girls into the car.

I do that,
that's what I do.

I'm a lonely, lonely man,
just give me one shot.

Go ahead...

Go ahead, do it.

All right, all right,
all right, all right !

Come on, come on, let me
'rassle you into the car here.

Hey-- aaah !!

Goddamn !

Hold on !

He came in-- it was broke
when he came in !

Looks like
we got a lady here

Who seems to be dragging
some sort of appliance

Down the street.

Sweetheart, you're gonna have to
get some pants on, miss, okay ?

I got on--
right here.

No, those aren't
pants.

Those are on my body.

Stop !

Stop it !
Right now !

Right now, goddamn it !

How about--
where do you live ?

Do you want us
to drive you home ?

I ain't never comin' out.

Well, you're gonna have--
I ain't never coming out !

You're gonna have to
come out, ma'am.

I'm not !

You're in the middle
of the street, ma'am.

She's a kicker !
She's a kicker !

You gonna behave ?

Owww !

Come on, lady.

Do not spit.

Oh, goddamn it !

You hurt--

( groaning )

Oww !

I'll bite you !
I'll bite you back !

I'll bite
your tits off.

I'll bite your
tits off.

You're getting
in the car !

You're getting
in the car !

I don't want to.

Fine !

If she won't get in...

We'll take
her water heater.

What ?!

Now we keep it.

Yep, now you lose.
You like that ?

You won't come with us,
we take your water heater.

I wanna take it
with me !

Nope, no room.

Sorry, all full up.

I want to go.

( jones )
you gonna get in ?

You wanna get in ?

No !
No ?

I wanna take it
with me !

What ?
You wanna come ?

( wiegel )
come on, we'll let you in.

Aaaah !

Ah ! Ah ! Ah !

Come on,
we'll let you in.

Come on, let's go,
hurry up.

I wanna go !

( both laughing )

( helicopter whirring )

Go, go, go, go !

( crunch )

Oh, shit !

Oh, man.

How the hell's
he gonna land ?

I met my wife, debbie,
back in my swing choir days.

We were in the swing choir,
it was a real good time.

We did... Maybe it's
called outside-type numbers.

And, you know,
we were young,

I had just been booted
from the coast guard,

She was the heiress
to a vacuum-cleaner fortune...

It... Worked out good
for everybody.

She was morbidly obese
at the time, you know ?

She was not long for this world
certainly, it seemed like,

The way she could throw
them hoagies back.

Saw your mama last week.

Mm-hmm,
that's what she said.

Stopped by the home there.

She thinks the black nurses
are stealing from her.

Okay.

Gave her a sponge bath.

I don't know why you insist on
giving my mother a sponge bath.

Who else
would do it, deb ?

The staff, jim.

Yeah, but they
steal from her.

That's not a fact.

I brought these papers,
let's just get it over with.

Let's do it.
Let's do it.

I just want you to know
the door is still open

If you have
a change of heart.

And it's just--
it's for the best, honey.

I know, I know.

And you know what ?
I love leslie.

Life goes on.

I love leslie.

Life goes on...

Who's leslie ?

My fiancé, jim,
I told you that.

Oh, right, right.

Right.

Hi !

How are you ?

Okay, okay, okay.

So you must be jim.

I've heard so much about you.
I'm leslie frost.

How do you do ?

Do I know you ?
You own that little store.

The bi-curios,
the collectibles store.

That place is
wonderful.

Thank you.

I should come by,
I'll come by and check it out.

In the division of property
section here, deb ?

Yes ?

Okay, here's me.
Uh-huh.

And there's deborah.

Right.

There's all these things
in your column here.

Right, because I came into
the marriage with those.

Yeah, there's nothing
in my column whatsoever.

That's because you came into
the marriage with nothing, jim.

Why don't you stick
a burning stick in my eye ?

Honey, um... Your lips.
It's not as vibrant.

They are disappearing
into your face.

They're doing
that thing they do.

They do disappear
into her face

When she doesn't outline them
a little bit.

She is a pistol.

Oh, she's
a wonderful woman.

Especially now that she's--
( clears throat )--

Not morbidly obese.

Right, right.

I can't wait
for our wedding night,

Let me tell you that,
to have sex with her vagina.

She's a firecracker.

Okay, I'll pin him down,
yeah, that's him.

That's him right there.

Put your hands up, sir.

Up against the car.
Up against the car.

Get up against the car !

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Ladies, ma'am, I don't mean
to be disrespectful.

I think we have
a misunderstanding.

We got a call
about a hate crime.

Right, I called you,
I placed the call.

Yeah, right,
you called us

So you could brag on
what you did ?

No, no,
look, look, lookee.

See what they did ?
They put a giant "s".

They completely changed
the look of it.

And it's--
it's disrespecting myself.

It's disrespecting people
of my beliefs.

I can't believe
someone would

Actually come into
this neighborhood

And try and disrespect
the culture.

You called us ?

I absolutely did

Because someone in this
neighborhood is a hate monger.

Someone in this neighborhood
is selecting out individuals

Based on, I don't know,
perhaps the color my skin,

Perhaps my personal beliefs,
and that's not right.

Let me talk to her
for a second.

You hold on.

I'm not taking any statement
from this idiot.

I think we should find
who did it

And buy them a gift certificate
for something pretty

Just to say "thank you."

Oh !

Whoa !

This is 1-adam,
charlie-35.

We need an ambulance here

At the "ku sux klan"
headquarters.

( laughs )

I'm sorry,
I'm just reading the sign.

This is gonna sound
cold-hearted,

But I don't mean it
like that.

All I really want...
To have happen...

Is... For deb to be as happy
as she could possibly be,

Not divorce me,

And get hit
by a train or something--

Something in which
she wouldn't feel any pain

Because part of me,
still, is her friend,

But I also don't have
a 401-k plan of any kind.

Did I see you at a Halloween
party last year,

And were you dressed
like truman capote ?

And were you talking
to a mountie ?

Yes.

A mountie in shorts ?

Not a big jump,
but a great costume.

Jim,
mountie in shorts.

People thought I was
tom wolfe that year.

Oh my god, no, you were so
obviously truman capote.

I know.

Tom wolfe is
much stripier. It's a white suit.

Of course, it's a white suit
and stripier.

Sure, there's "neckerchiefery"
involved sometimes.

Haberdashery.
Right.

Hi.

Come on in, sit down.

So, we should look
that over very quickly

And then be on our way.

What's that, deb--
that right there ?

The trailer,
the mobile home.

That's where I live, deb.

Right, I bought it.

I put sweat equity
into it, deb.

I put sweat equity
into it, deb.

That's a made-up word.

I don't even know
what that means.

That's a made-up concept.

I am gonna go
live...

Under a bridge...

With frogs and toads.

Well, take
a sleeping bag.

And occasionally,
I will, once in a while,

Go wash your mother.

Thank you.

No, thank you, deb.

You break my heart.

It was very nice
meeting you.

It was so nice meeting you.
Come by the store.

I'm there tuesdays
and thursdays.

You're right on
the access road.

( deb )
leslie !!

Stop by and see me under
the bridge sometime, deb !!

( leslie )
I will.

No, I meant her.
Leslie, I'll see you.

Sir, we got
the e.M.T. Coming.

Just hang tight,
eat some cheetos,

And we'll be
right back, okay ?

My name is corgameth, the
demonic god of conquest--

What is your real name ?

Well, on this
plane of exis--

Guys, you don't see this,

You're still in
the sphere of darkness.

You don't see
this happening.

Talk to me.

On this plane of existence,

I'm represented
as the wizard golgath.

That's the form he takes.

Sir, why'd you hit your buddy
with the-- with the ax ?

The ax was possessed
by a demon

Because someone was trying
to use a wizard spell

Two levels above his experience,
and he knew that.

Yes, and that will cost you
experience points.

And, so the demon--
sir, sir, sir.

Everybody over here said
that you were the one

Who hit your friend
with the ax.

Because they're chaotic evil,
they would say that.

This is why I don't let
you guys roll up nubians.

Because-- and you people
are great.

You have some wonderful
attributes

'cause you see in the dark
and you detect ghosts.

Is you mother
around here ?

She left when I was 3.

Listen, I'm immune
to edge weapons.

I'm immune to any kind
of missile attack.

I'm immune to any kind of
wizard prismatic spray.

What about mace ?

Ohh, ohh !

Are you immune to that ?!

Oh, crumb !!
We got him.

Call it in.

Tell them to get a cell ready
for a demigod.

( dangle )
number four--

( johnson )
"we have really big busts."

Number three--

"free donuts."

( all )
whoo !

Number two--

"pepper spray makes
a good taco taste great."

And the number-one reason
it's great to be a cop--

( all )
"getting to drive around

With a trunk full of drugs

And a backseat
full of hookers !!!"

Whoo !

( cheers and applause )

Good job, gang.

Oh, man.
County's okay with this ?

County's cool,
the county's cool.

The supreme court's cool.

Not even god can mess
with us now !

You hear that ?!
( laughs )

We're being sued
by worldwide pants--

David letterman's company.

( junior )
too many lawyers, man.

Too many lawyers.

This is a grade "a"
example.

( weigel )
too many lawyers and not enough chefs.

My car was stolen.
What happened, sir ?

I parked the car,
I went in to get a slushee,

And I got a pack of cigarettes
and I came back out.

I went in very quickly,
like 10, 15 minutes tops.

It doesn't take--
two minutes tops.

Two minutes tops ?
25 seconds tops.

Time me.
Go !

Come on, clemmy !

I know this machine
like the back of my hand.

Come on, baby !
Come on, slushee !

Keep the change.

Time !

I left the keys
in the car.

Yeah !

Yeah.

Hey, roomie ?
Hmm ?

Why were these
in the sink ?

Why are you asking me ?
They're not mine.

You're never really the same
after a celine show.

No, my god, no.

Specifically with the
influence of dragone.

The thing is, the video wall
that goes behind her,

Had not yet been installed

So dragone was on
a microphone explaining

What was going to
eventually be behind her.

Sir, stop, stop.

Stop, the sheriff's department
is ordering you

To stop blowing my mind.

Do you work for the--

Yeah, sure, look.

Oh, my gosh !

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