Original subtitles

We got a runner. Go !

Freeze, sir !

Freeze !

Hey !

I said freeze !

( clattering )

I said freeze, god damn it !

Freeze !

( man screaming )

Yeah, that's your arm, buddy !

( gunshot )

( laughing ) ohh...

Stick time ! A little stick time !

( gunshots )

Whoo ! Whoo !

Whoo.

Freeze ! Freeze !

We got a runner !

Whoo ! Come here !

( tires screeching )

Oh... Ah !

Whoa !

( growling )

( sirens blaring )

( siren wailing )

( dangle ) ha ha, well, uh, good morning, gang.

As you all know, we are taking part

In the "badges across the water" program.

Today we have our part of the exchange.

Please welcome, all the way from jolly old England,

Officer martin smiley.

( cheers and applause )

Oh, please.

Please, go, go.

Well, as your boss said here, I'm martin smiley.

I'm from gloucester terrace,

Precinct there, as you would call it.

And, uh-- oh.

As a bit of a welcoming gift,

I've brought you, uh, connor the constable.

And as a personal token of my own appreciation,

I, uh, I brought you all a tin of biscuits.

If you would.

Oh !

Thank you very much.

( williams ) those are cookies.

Yeah, we call these "cookies" here in reno.

Oh, I'm sorry, yeah.

Uh, take the lift to the flat and eat your chips.

What kind of gun do you carry ?

We don't carry guns.

I think that would be one of the biggest differences

Between the two police forces, as it were.

And, uh... Yeah, we carry a whistle.

( dangle ) a whistle ?

And that stops crime ?

It does.

Do you guys have crack whores in England ?

We call them crack wenches.

( laughter )

( williams ) crack wench !

Oh, that is sweet.

So, uh, inspector smiley will be spending the day

With one of our deputies here.

Oh, me, me !

Pick whoever you want, pick anybody.

I'll go with this lovely young lady right here.

That sounds fine.

Okay, now, pick again.

Anyone else, really.

Uh...

I don't know.

How about the bloke

With the caterpillar on the old chin there ?

( dangle ) jim garcia.

Uh...

Sure, absolutely, wonderful, sure.

Thank you.

So take him around and...

Show you the ropes.

Yeah. Not all the ropes, you know.

Don't need to go to cracktown.

We'll take it easy on you, fella.

Thank you very much.

Nice and easy.

Cheerio !

Today we are cracking down

On the massage parlors here in reno.

We are sending in our very own travis junior undercover

With these high-tech glasses, which have a very small camera.

He will infiltrate the massage parlor,

Try to get them to perform the sex act on him,

And then we will swoop in and start making arrests.

Okay, he's in, he's in.

Hi... You want a massage ?

You want, uh, long time, short time ?

The full-- everything you've got.

On the menu, off the menu...

I give you everything.

Come this way.

Okay, what do we do here ?

This is my first time in one of these places.

Uh, first you have to take off your clothes.

Okay.

Oh, I like your belt buckle.

Oh, yeah, that was, uh, that was my daddy's, thank you.

Nice and shiny. ( laughs )

You have to take off glasses.

Oh, I'm not supposed--

I take off for you.

Is that the glasses ?

Oh, oh, no !

I put your glasses down here.

I'm very careful.

Go right to the super deluxe.

Now, I don't know if there's some kind of special code

I'm supposed to say.

Oh, no, no, no, you get whole package.

That's all.

Ow !

Aah ! Okay !

Oh, god ! What the-- shit ! Ow, ow !

Is it too hard ?

Oh... Is it too hard ?

That's great.

Aah ! Thank you !

Feels so good.

Ow ! Ow ! Oh, god !

Okay !

Now I get some lotion.

Oh, good, thank you.

Just put that right there.

Ow ! Okay, okay.

Okay, here we go, here we go.

Aah ! Aah !

Aah !

Ow ! Okay, okay !

( crying )

Whee ! It's so much fun !

Aah ! Aah !

Aah. Ow.

Is good ? It's great.

And now, happy ending.

All better ?

It's more relax ?

Yeah, more relaxing, that's great.

Aah !

That's better, right ?

That's so much better.

So I'm supposed to get on my side, or...

No, you just go on the floor.

That's good, okay.

Is she dancing ? She's dancing on him.

She's dancing on him.

Waah !

Get off me, get off me, get off me !

Oh, damn !

You know, there's more.

( coughs ) no, I don't want anymore.

I don't want anymore. I don't want anymore.

Just one--

Ahh, no ! No, shit !

Just leave me alone !

( both shouting )

Come on, let's get him.

Travis !

Frank. Lisa.

Yeah, I don't think the cops

Will be coming again anytime soon.

Inspector smiley...

Makes us smiley.

I think he's amazing. We love him.

So cute.

He's so cute.

I'd never had an imaginary friend when I was a kid,

But if I did, inspector smiley would be my imaginary friend.

He's that cool.

You like your job ?

Oh, yeah, I love my job.

You enjoy what you do, do you ?

I love my job.

I love carrying real guns with real bullets.

Of course, you wouldn't know what that's about.

You guys are carrying them slingshots around

With little rubber pellets.

That's right, isn't it ?

I guess them criminals, if they want to,

Could just pretty much take over.

I feel sorry for you guys.

Well, we keep them pretty much in line, you know.

The, uh...

Do you say--

( british accent ) "excuse me.

"uh, top of the morning to you,

"but I do believe you are breaking the law,

And that is making the queen mad" ?

And then they just run scared.

Yeah, something like that.

Got us a little speeder.

Constable, why don't you just sit tight right here ?

We're gonna show you how we do things in reno, nevada.

All right.

You, uh, don't need any help ?

No, I'll be good.

You just sit back here and watch it happen.

Well, uh, actually, I feel a bit naked.

You've got the gun and the club.

I'll tell you what.

Hold this flashlight and you shine it on him

If he gets out of control, okay ?

All right, will do ! Okay.

How you doing today, sir ?

Uh, is there a problem, sir ?

Is there a problem ?

Yeah, uh, where's the fire ?

Was-- was I speeding ?

You get out of that car right now.

Who the fuck is this guy ?

Get the hell out of that car !

Get out of that car !

( thumping )

Oh, god !

Get out of the car !

Aah !

Get out ! Get out !

You speeding bastard ! You bastard speeder !

Give us your wallet, let's go.

( coughing )

Give us your wallet.

Okay, you have a good day now, right ?

( weakly ) thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome.

You're welcome !

Well done, that's a nice flashlight you got there.

Yeah.

I like the weight of it.

Yeah, okay.

You have the right to remain silent.

If you give up the right to remain silent

Anything you say can and will--

I recognize you, sir. I recognize you, officer.

You're that guy from "reno 911 !"--

Both of y'all !

No, he isn't.

( hums theme )

We have no say in what they put on that program

That they shoot.

We have no say in what these guys do, sir.

You make me respect police officers.

You remember that time

When you was trying to stop that gay man with the pretty legs ?

He was roller-skatin'.

Terry.

Yeah, that's terry.

Remember that ? That was good.

He was really on drugs.

They cut out the part where he was really on drugs.

They didn't use that.

These guys...

We don't get a vote at all on what they put on.

You should let these officers put on whatever they want to,

Like that time when he helped him move,

This couple hiding down the street.

They were like, "I thought you was gonna move further."

"no, I'm just moving down the street."

Then you were drinking them margaritas and rum drinks.

Y'all remember that ?

So you understand your rights as they've been read to you ?

I understand my rights, officer,

And it's a pleasure to be arrested by you.

You understand that what they put on the show,

We don't get to vote on, they just use--

I understand that you've been unjustly treated

By the producers of "reno 911 !"

The thing is that you can't jerk off in the elevators.

You can't be jerking off in the elevators here anymore, okay ?

That I don't understand so good.

Well... That's why you're going to jail, okay ?

All right, all right.

Officer smiley is about the nicest fella

I have ever seen or met.

He's just... Cute and classy.

It's like, you know,

If james bond was dressed up like a teddy bear.

I realize I-- I, uh, you know...

Overstepped my bounds in terms of--

You were leading the arrest

Or the speeding ticket and all,

And I just want you to know that from now on,

Whatever you say goes.

I'm on the straight and narrow.

I've got a particular, you know... Fire, I guess,

For the speed-- for the speed-- for the speeder.

( indistinct talking )

Thank you very much.

Money. Oh.

It's 18.

Eighteen ?

It's usually 15, but I threw in that extra.

That was nice of you.

Welcome to america.

Oh, thank you, yeah, appreciate that.

Oh, man.

Oh, look at him.

( jones ) hello.

Reno sheriff department.

The who ?

Reno sheriff's department.

Oh, come on.

You white folks just harass black folks.

I'm not doing nothin' but standing out here

Trying to make a living.

Sir, we're black folk.

Black ? We're black.

Prove it, prove it.

Let me hear you say "sweet potata."

Sweet potato.

( laughing )

Sweet potato.

You do sound a little white.

Let me hear you say "brotha."

Brotha. Go ahead !

( laughs )

Right.

What are you doing with this white partner ?

Brother.

No, he--

What you doing with this redneck ?

We didn't come to give you any money,

But we came to help you get your pants up

'cause your pants are down.

I put my pants on when I left home this morning.

My pants is on.

Yeah, but they down.

No, they're down right now.

That's what that breeze is I was feeling.

You're exposing yourself, and that's against the law !

And there ain't a whole lot to expose, okay ?

So keep them up, all right ?

Call me small !

When I go pee, I got to sit down on the commode

'cause the doctor told me don't lift nothin' heavy

'cause my back went out.

You gonna call me small.

He put it on you with that one, jonesy.

So y'all just go ahead and arrest some criminals.

You didn't put no money in my cup, did you ?

No, I didn't, sir.

I'll give her a dollar to loan you, okay ?

No, her a dollar.

I ain't paying no money back.

Learn how to say "sweet potata."

Watch the poop !

Watch the poop ! Watch the poop !

Blind ?

You know I'm black, right ? You know I'm black.

Can I-- can I make my phone call ?

Do I have rights ? Can I make my phone call ?

Who are you gonna call ?

Huh ?

Who you gonna call ?

Yo' mama.

All right, get your ass in the car.

Okay, but that was funny.

No, that wasn't.

You know nothing about my mom.

He didn't say your mother, he said yo' mama.

Whenever I hear inspector smiley,

I think of mary poppins.

'cause why ?

'cause of the way he talks.

Oi !!

Yeah, he needs to talk to you !

Get your fat arse over here so he can talk to you !

No, don't give me that !

Get out of your fuckin' wheelchair and get over here !

Uh, we just got these new bomb-dog cameras from carson.

What they do is they get you a real good shot of the bomb

From far away so you can make your tactical decisions

Without getting up close.

Good dog.

How's it doing ? Testing.

One, two, one, two.

Go, go. Go try it out, boy.

( whimpers )

Oh, man.

Here's our... Patient.

Hello !

Yep, hi.

Hi, there !

How are we feeling ?

Hi.

It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay.

Is this the right bed ?

Yeah, mm-hmm.

Hi. Hi.

We brought a friend to say "hi."

Hello, I'm a friend, here to say hi !

Gentle like a little, tiny, little bird.

Gentle with the puppy.

Yeah, just pet real nice, that's good.

Isn't it nice to have a bird--

No ! No ! No ! No ! No !

No, no, no, we don't.

We don't try to eat the dog.

No, we don't.

You can touch the doggy now,

But you have to be nice.

We're just gonna pet real gentle.

Just like friends.

We're gonna pet it just like a little bird

Faberge egg or something that's--

No, no, no, no !

No ! No ! No ! No !

No !

I smacked him a little bit, I just smacked him.

Dog's not food. Dog's not food.

Dog's not food. Dog's not food.

Okay, easy with the--

Oh my god.

What do I do ? I'm backing off real easy.

I'm gonna-- I smacked him again.

I smacked him a little bit.

I'm gonna go throw up.

Y'know, I really actually don't feel that bad

About shooting him.

No, I wouldn't.

He came at me with a chocolate bar about 2 1/2 weeks ago.

It was kind of dark.

He deserved it.

Every time we shoot a guy,

You gotta come visit him and wish him well.

It's a shame he's alive really

'cause he wasn't that great a guy before.

No, he was a bit of a son of a bitch.

Smiley reminds me of a friend of mary poppins--

Not dick the chimney sweep,

But some other friend of mary poppins

That we never met who's a wonderful bobby,

And he takes them to an ice-skating rink

Under the-- the tube.

That's funny because smiley reminds me

Of someone from mary poppins--

Someone who, for instance,

Comes riding in on some sort of jalopy,

And he has whipped ices for everyone, and he says,

"come on, everyone, I have whipped ices."

And then when they get close enough to him,

He grabs them and rapes the shit out of them.

And then he tosses them in the backseat.

And then off he goes, and then,

"chip, chip, cheerio !"

Right. That's it, right ?

That checks out, that's the address, isn't it ?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's it. Call that in.

Yeah, reno, this is 11 charlie fif--

No need for that.

Uh, while we're at it,

Why don't you give us your gun ?

Oh, uh, well, these are sort of issue.

I'll be all right.

No worries.

Be right back out. You watch the car.

Okay. All right.

I'll watch the car then.

( smiley ) all right, everybody, on the ground !

This is a robbery ! Don't want any heros !

( gunfire )

( woman screaming )

Oh, sweet lord ! Oh, sweet lord !

Oh my god !

( panting )

What the heck ?

Oh my god. Oh my god.

All right... We were never here.

We were never here.

But just in case, let's get out stories straight.

Some mexican drug cartel in there...

( gasping ) cocaine deal gone bad...

I stopped it.

They were thinking about starting

A whole white slavery trade,

And there's $100,000-- $100,000 cash in there.

Oh !

It's all good now.

I done my job. Yeah, you did.

Hang on, marty. Come on, hang on, marty.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Shit !

( wiegel ) hi, craig !

I can't hear you.

I can't hear you on the phone.

I can't-- can you hear me ?

I can't hear him through the thing.

Two words.

First word. First word.

Fishing.

Fish... Fish.

Trout, bass.

Bass. Bass.

Second word.

Sounds like...

Sounds like...

Sounds like "peel," sounds like "tape."

Sounds-- tape !

Tape... Taping... Tape.

Throw.

Bass... Taping.

Bass-taping.

Somebody's been bass-taping you ?

Have you been bass-taped ?

I don't know bass-taping.

♪ god save our noble queen ♪

♪ god save our gracious queen ♪

♪ god save the queen ♪

( everyone mumbling lyrics )

♪ ... The pilgrims' pride ♪

♪ from every mountainside ♪

♪ god save the queen ♪

( scanner beeps )

"reno sheriff's department deputy james garcia

Busts drug ring, recovers $97,000."

Yeah.

He was a good cop.

I'm gonna miss him.

I'm gonna miss you, marty.

I'll buy you a drink.

I'll buy you a scone.

( chuckles )

( happy panting )

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