Original subtitles

[ Siren wails ]

Yeah, 11, Charlie, uh, 51, uh, coming in Reno.

We're, uh, chasing suspect. Firing at vehicle.

Jones returning fire and missing!

Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa-ho! Damn it!

Hey, here, you want my clip?

Hold the wheel. Hold the wheel.

Whoo!

[ Gunshots ]

Whoa, there you are!

Whoa! Look out!

[ Crash ]

[ Siren wails ]

Oh-ho! Ohh-h-h!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hey, dog. Yeah.

Ho, ho! Ho!

[ Siren wailing ]

Oh, wow. There he is, huh?

Okay, gang, I just got off the phone with Carson city,

and it's true the FBI is coming in

to take a look at the investigation.

So please promise me the most important thing ...

Let's not act like dicks in front of the FBI, okay?

We're gonna be law-enforcement professionals.

Gimme a "yes, sir." Come on.

Yes, sir. Yes, siryes, siryes, sir.

Thank you. Thank you. [ Sighs ]

It kind of looks like he's got a boner.

[ Laughter ]

Let's look and see.

No, no, no, no, no!

Don't touch anything until the FBI's here.

Speak of the devil. Let's get into ranks.

Form into ranks. Form into ranks.

What do you mean? Like, a line?

Well, like ranks. No, no, I don't mean ...

I just mean ... Like a professional.

Don't do a conga line. Do like a ...

Just stand in a ... That looks stupid.

We look stupid. Okay, here we go.

All right, good work, team. Good evening.

No need to salute.

I'm agent Cowan. This is agent Richards.

Hi, I'm lieutenant Dangle and this is ...

Should I go through...? No need.

Um...So...

There's the guy, I guess.

That's why we're here.

Yeah. Duh.

So, what we're gonna need you guys to do

is get on the other side of that tape and secure the perimeter.

Go stand on the other side of the tape?

Okay, I got it. I'm sorry.

Yeah, so we'll just go over there and do, uh...

Thank you for leaping over the evidence.

I want to get some pictures here.

I want to lift some prints.

I want you to check the treads on the sneaks.

I want to hear about it right away.

The thing is, I just don't see what's so great about the FBI.

I know everybody here gets a, you know ...

A boner every time they come by.

Um, what's so great about it?

They wear suits and handle the fluids of dead people, okay.

Um, that is not sexy to me.

Uh, I like being in the streets with the common people.

I like driving the car.

And I'm not going through that background check.

Forget about it.

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

Well, uh...

Perimeter's, uh...

Thank you. We appreciate that.

Secure, I guess.

We've a very important job for you guys.

We're gonna need two large latte's, one 2%, one nonfat.

We're gonna need a small, easy mocha-mocha,

very little whip.

We're gonna need three café au laits ...

One with vanilla, one with cinnamon, one with chocolate.

Two ice coffees ...

One dark, one with heavy sugar, light cream.

Wait, that's, like, 20 coffees.

Oh, no, that's the kind that goes in the...

Exactly. I got it. I got it.

Wonderful. Thank you very much.

Good work. Right, uh...

Is that more coffee than ... No, no, no.

She said it weird because it is the right amount of coffees,

but she said what's in them in a weird order.

Did you remember what they were?

I wasn't even paying attention.

Nobody even makes that around here.

Obviously, it was blah, blah, blah to me.

Having the FBI in town

is a little bit like being chaperoned, you know?

And I don't feel like we need a chaperone.

I feel like we're perfectly capable at enforcing the law.

We have a mission today.

We have this kind of junky, old microwave.

It does not work very well,

and it smells like spaghetti sauce.

We've had it for about five years.

It cooks things about halfway through.

And the county will not give us a new microwave

until this one is officially broken.

So, without further ado.

Honey, this is the last time

you will ever burn a bag of my popcorn.

Okay, let's break the microwave.

This magic pop is gonna get this thing to break.

You're never supposed to put metal in a microwave,

so this should do it. Let's see.

Get away, get away, get away, get away!

No, it burned a little bit.

Throw in some marshmallows.

Pretty good.

And if it doesn't work, at least it'll be kind of yummy.

I got a grenade.

You have a grenade?

That'll do it.

Absolutely.

It's worth a shot, right?

Contact.

Fire in the hole!

[ Engine turns over ]

Oh-ho!

Whoo!

Wow!

Microwave! Yes!

A new microwave is on the way!

Is that tear gas?

[ Coughing ]

You put tear gas in there?

[ Siren wails ]

Halt! Freeze!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Where you going, sir?

Oh, I'm glad you all showed up. Thank goodness, man.

Uh, somebody came in here.

I think something awful happened in here.

Somebody robbed this place.

What are you doing with money, sir?

Why do you have money in your pocket?

W-what's that? It's money, sir.

This ... this ... this money ... This my money right here.

You got anything else we should know about?

Me? Yeah, what do you got?

Yeah, I have a gun. Yeah, you do.

Why do you have a weapon, sir? Is that yours?

No, that's ... that's not my gun. That's not mine.

That's not your gun?

No, I got it. I had it.

I'm gonna be honest with you all.

I had it, but that's not my gun.

No, I-I-I didn't rob this at all.

The ones that did it, they ... they was like,

"aw, hey, you want to rob this store with me?"

I was like, "no, man. I can't do that.

The police, they don't like that kind of stuff."

They was like, "[Bleep] the police."

They said, "[Bleep] the police"?

They said, "[Bleep] officer Garcia."

They said, "[Bleep] officer"...?

Were they colored? They was black.

It was five of them ... Five black dudes.

You probably could still catch them over there.

There they go, and they're stupid.

[ Sighs ]

Good thing you all showed up. I'm ... I'm gonna go home.

No, you're not. You ain't going home.

You know I got to bring you in, right?

I don't know that.

If I were in the FBI, I'd be in a lot of situations

where the chief or whoever is like,

"you rolled the dice, and you lost this time, Jim.

You're off the case." And then, uh...

In some kind of way,

you would just figure out and solve the crime.

Yeah, later when I'm doing sit-ups or something,

I'd think, "Wait a second. Why wasn't the ...

Why wasn't the gun in the other hand or something?"

No, I feel like I'm FBI ma...

At least, maybe I'm FBI movie material.

As far as joining the FBI is concerned,

let's put it this way,

I failed a test to be a member of a book club.

Thanks for coming so quickly.

Not a problem, sir. What's going on?

I just was assaulted just now by two youths,

and, um, they knocked me over my chair,

and they stole my snow cone

that I wasn't even finished with.

What kind of snow cone are we talking about?

It was the rainbow one with the fourth of July colors.

They're only seasonal, too, this time of year.

Yeah, you can't get them all year.

Finally you get one, and this happens.

You must've only eaten the top

because I see your lips are not blue.

Right. I didn't get to the blue or the white.

What is your name, first of all?

My name is Craig. Hi, Craig. I'm Trudy.

Trudy, nice to meet you. Craig's my favorite boy name.

Really? That's nice.

No one's ever said that to me before.

You have a kitty cat there. Do you have cats?

I love cats. I have a houseful.

Do you love cats? I've got seven cats.

You have seven cats?!

Yeah, they're all the hairless kind, though,

because I'm allergic to most kind of dander.

Those are my favorite kind, but I can't afford them.

Well, I put most of my money in that.

I smell a snow-cone date coming.

That's what I smell.

I just got out of a relationship.

Do you date people that you have to come in contact with?

Is that something you do?

You know, Trudy is off on Thursday and Friday nights.

Oh, really?

Fyi, I don't know what your schedule is.

And she just got a VCR, so...

I did, actually. I got a combo.

I got a 15-inch combo VCR/TV.

I just got the "saved by the bell" tapes, the whole series,

and I don't have a VCR to watch it.

Do you want to finish taking this down,

and then you can just slip him your number?

Oh, I don't have to give him my number.

He can call 911.

I'll give you a call then.

Call 911, and when they say, "what's your emergency?"

Say, "is Trudy there?"

Okay, and they'll patch me through.

And if I'm out on a call, have them get me.

'Cause I can always be called off a call.

Nothing really happens in this town

that I need to be there for.

I will give you $50, Dangle, per second

that you could stick your head under this blanket.

Per second?

Uh, per minute. $50 a minute.

How about $1 a second?

I'll stick my head under there.

You think I won't stick my head under there?

Go ahead. Jones, you with me?

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

I'm not going under here, though.

I'll stick my head by the side.

I'll get it.

All the way in, too. All the way in.

All the way. Don't breathe.

1...2...3...4...5...

[ Cheering, clapping ]

Eww!

Look at that.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Garcia, I'll bet you a month of my salary

that you can't get in there for about a half-hour.

A month's salary. Easy money!

A month's salary. You all heard it.

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Garcia?

Don't you call me crying in the middle of the night ...

Go get 'em!

[ Laughter ]

Idiots.

What are you officers doing in here?

[ Radio static ]

Shut up, shut up.

Is there someone in that freezer?

We were, uh...

Open that freezer door right now!

I have a goddamn radio on!

Do you know how dangerous this is?!

That's for dead people, not living idiots.

Let's move it out.

Why don't we secure the perimeter, I guess, or the hall?

Has this body been touched?

When a body comes down to the morgue,

it's completely covered by a sheet except for its feet.

I know. Isn't that weird? It's weird. It's weird.

It looks like you people have been playing with this body.

No, no, no, no, no.

I was in there.

[ Claps ] Out! Come on.

You know, let's just move it out, please.

Thank you, lieutenant.

I can't deal with this kind of incompetence.

You guys want some coffee or something?

No, we're fine. Thank you.

Sandwiches or something?

We could use a closed door and some quiet.

Thank you.

Check. Check.

You know, I thought about joining the FBI

for about 20 minutes

after I saw, uh, that movie with Jodie foster

and the guy who was eating people in his basement.

But I was really, really stoned.

And honestly, I also thought for about 20 minutes

about making a dress out of people.

Hello, there.

How you doing?

Good.

Right on time, too.

You got the money?

Yeah, I got a ... I got a ...

How much?

$400, burning a hole in my pocket.

All right. Are you ready?

What do I get for the ... For the $400 there?

A lot. Oh, yeah?

Um, why don't you get ready? Take off your glasses.

Wow, you're very handsome.

Thank you very much. My mom always said so, I guess.

Now, what do we do?

Just close your eyes.

Phew! All right.

Had a fantasy about being a FBI when I was a little boy.

I thought that'd be real cool to solve crimes,

go to write chalk outlines on the ground

and stick needles into people and poke them with things.

But as I got older, I felt, "you know what?

"I want to work with people on the streets.

I want to be in touch with my gente."

That's "my people" in Spanish.

Uh, I don't want to be far above in a lab coat or a windbreaker

or a special hat.

Good afternoon, class. My name is officer Garcia.

This is my partner, officer Jones.

We're here from the Reno County sheriff's department

and the community outreach program

to talk to you about a subject today

that most folks aren't comfortable with.

Now, as citizens of this great community,

we'd all like to believe that kids don't carry guns to school.

We'd all like to wish that that weren't true.

But we know, and you know,

that kids do have guns at school, okay?

You guys have a whole lot of them.

As officers of the law, we want to let you know

there's not a damn thing we can do about it.

We really can't do anything

about you guys having guns in school.

But what we can do is show you

how to fire these weapons safely and correctly, okay?

Let's say you have one of these in your hand, okay?

Which you should never have.

Okay, what we want to teach you today

is one word that's gonna help you out

should you find yourself in a situation,

and you can't talk something out,

and you need one of these firearms.

And that one word is safe. S-a-f-e.

Steady, okay?

Aim, fire, boom, everybody's okay.

If we can teach you to fire that firearm correctly,

you can take your man down, right? Boom!

And we don't have the scatter effect.

There's not the watermelon seeds.

It's not a big picnic of people on the ground.

Some of you ladies, you're pretty,

and I'm sure you're gonna get dates to the prom.

You might find a little bit more security

if you had one of these little numbers.

Okay, that's a 9mm, all right?

It's nice, light, fits in your dress, your purse.

Some of you men that are on the wrestling team

might want to skip over the lady-type guns

and go right to your .357 or your .44.

I think the FBI guys here seem like they're all over it.

They seem like a really good team.

They speak... in paragraph form.

Yeah.

Like, you never hear "uh" coming out of their mouth.

Or "what" or "he was, like."

They never say, "the bad guy was, like, coming in the door."

We say that all the time.

It's like they go to some kind of damn ...

Vocabulary school or like gram...

Grammar, grammar.

Talk.

Talk.

It's very impressive.

Hi, mom. [ Smooch ] How are you?

Dad, I know. [ Laughs ]

I really don't have anything new to report

except, oh, only the greatest thing ever.

I...Met a boy...

And [Sighs] his name is Craig with a "C."

I mean, I know you've told me before, um, you know,

chances are if a guy shows interest in me,

it's probably some ploy to get something from me

or there's a good chance I could get molested or raped or...

You know, end up pregnant or dead, you know.

Basically, what I'm asking is for your permission...

To have our wedding here on your plot.

And I asked Marcus, who runs the place, about having you dug up,

and it would cost a [Bleep] fortune,

and I don't think I can afford it right now

on the salary that they're giving me.

And also, it might be kind of creepy.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

I just talked to the lady, and they want one of us

to introduce them for the press conference.

All right! Dangle, Dangle, Dangle?

I want to say ...

I'm the most presentational here.

I got the show-business career.

You don't want to look like you're racist.

Pick somebody black so you can show the color on the force.

It's gonna be...

Who remembers their names, first off?

Officer James Garcia.

No, the names of the guys.

Special agent Starling is one of them.

You're thinking of "Silence of the lambs."

Oh.

Uh...Oh!

Good afternoon. Sorry, good afternoon.

My name is lieutenant Jim Dangle

of the Reno sheriff's department.

And from here,

I would like to turn things over to special agents...

Uh, Cowan and Richards.

So let's give a big, Reno, Nevada, welcome

for the FBI serial-killing investigation team.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Good afternoon.

I'm special agent Cowan from the federal bureau of investigation,

and I would like to let you know that last night at 11:53 P.M.,

we arrested the serial killer known as "the junkyard dog"

just outside of Reno, Nevada.

Whoo!

As of yet, we have no further information

that we are able to release.

We can tell you that nine victims

have been attributed to the junkyard dog

with two pending investigations in Las Vegas.

I will be bringing back to you more information

as it becomes available.

Thank you very much.

Whoo! Whoo!

[ Scattered applause ]

Yeah!

All right, way to go FBI, huh?

Wow, everybody's leaving.

Oh, yeah.

Aw, man!

All right.

Do you have anymore questions?

They don't have anymore questions.

They wanted somebody to go get them some coffee.

[ No audi ]

Yeah, they're making their toast.

We should do that.

Well, hey, folks, to securing the perimeter.

And buying the coffee.

And buying the coffee.

All kinds of...other stuff.

We did a good job.

Hey, we should send them something, right?

That's classy. That's a good idea.

Like a... Like a muffin basket.

Some shots. No, some drinks.

Shots or something ... That would be good.

Jello shots? Are always good.

"To the FBI"...

Special agent Cowan and Richards.

Cowan, Richards, and the rest.

And et al. Et al.

And crew? And crew?

Oh, hey...

[ Clears throat ]

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Good evening.

Congratulations to all of you.

I wanted to thank you for your superlative work.

Your assistance was invaluable.

And to thank you, we've gotten you this bottle of champagne.

So enjoy and have a wonderful night.

Thank you.

That was so classy.

Bye, you guys.

Take care.

See you next time somebody gets murdered.

Yeah!

Drive good!

Did you see that? That was classy!

I didn't even know they had champagne.

We are such douche bags.

Is it cold?

Uh, ich bin ein berliner.

Hitler! Hitler! Hitler!

It's Kennedy. That's not Hitler.

Uh, ask not what you're doing in your country, uh, but, uh ...

Yeah, yeah. Also Kennedy.

I got something. I got something.

She's throwing up.

Are you gonna throw up?

I was gonna burp.

[ Belches ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

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