Original subtitles

Reno dispatch!

This is 14-David-21.

We are east bound on route 80

in hot pursuit of a white B.M.W.,

Nevada plate: M-D-4...

Uh, that's a vanity plate.

It's a vanity plate.

M-D-4-K.

Doc... that means doctor.

Doctor... Dr. Fork, Dr. Fork!

Me "D" Fork. Dr. Fork.

Dr. Fork me "D" Fork.

Dr. Fork... K-9, K-9!

K-9 is a dog.

Dog... Doctor for canines!

He's a vet! He's a vet!

Look out, look...

( Crashing )

( Sirens blaring )

Oh ho, oh, ho-ho!

( Police radio chatter )

Aggghhhh!

Here you go... Lal-la, yeah...

( Screaming )

( Man on radio ) 2-3, Roger, Roger!

Shots fired!

Oh-ho-ho!

( Police radio chatter )

( Sirens blaring )

( Dangle ) Garcia.

( Garcia ) Thank you.

Uh... don't know who's doing it.

Uh, I brought some tamales, homemade,

mom made 'em.

Uh, put 'em in the fridge.

Now I have found they're mussed up.

Fingerprints on 'em.

Don't know who it is, don't want to know.

All I'm sayin' is keep your goddamn ( Blank ) mitts

off my tamales, okay?

Now that you're pointing fingers,

I'd like to know who took the fingerprint dusting kit

out of the fingerprint area.

All of a sudden, there were fingerprints on your tamales.

How did you check that, T.J. Hooker?

Well, it should not be to the point

where I have to check it, MacGyver.

MacGyver was not a police officer.

Well, he was an investigator.

No, he was not. Yes, he was.

( Jones ) He was an inventor, he was an inven...

Well, you know, the guy I meant was Matlock.

That's who I meant.

Matlock... fine.

Matlock's a detective, that's different.

Quiet down, maude.

( Laughing )

She's way off!

That's a sitcom.

You are on the moon, Wiegel.

I'm sorry.

Okay, people this just came down

from the very tippety-top brass.

Mayor Juarez, our honorable mayor...

His son, Jaime, blew off his thumb,

uh, with an illegal M-80 firework.

So, yeah, the heat is really coming down.

We gotta put a stop to it.

We gotta put a stop to it now.

Wasn't Matlock a lawyer?

( Bleep ) Matlock was a lawyer.

Hey, Karl. Hey, Karl.

Hey, how's it going?

How you doing there, buddy?

I'm doing okay.

You know why we out here?

For the festival?

For what festival?

For the...

Show of light... Parade.

The show of light parade?

I'm making a surfboard for my cactus beetle.

We out here because we got a call

that you was letting off fireworks.

Nah. Is that true, Karl?

Is that the show of light?

We do it at night, but, uh,

I ain't got no fireworks.

Were did you get the fireworks, Karl?

You got "black cats" here...

The magic van... you guys are a couple of black cats.

You know, "jumping Jacks" are illegal here

in the state of Nevada.

You mean the calisthenics?

♪ You know, you look like somebody I know ♪

What are you... What are you singing?

She looks like Shirley Hemphill

from "What's happening!!"

Okay, all right.

You know what? I'm gonna leave.

"Hey, Dwayne."

I'm gonna show you what's happening.

This is what's happening.

No! Huh?

That's not cinnamon!

That's what's happening.

That's not cinnamon.

I think I need a lawyer.

Okay.

That made my gum taste bad.

Let's go, let's go.

Are you sure we...

No, I'm sure, let's go.

'Cause that's what's happening, huh?

Hey, hey, hey!

( Chuckling )

When I'm wearing this outfit

that I got for the prostitution sting...

You know, I don't know how to put this delicately,

but what kind of undergarments do you wear

that aren't gonna be...

Well... is this a lingerie type of thing?

Oh, yeah, this is the real deal.

Up-the-butt type of deal?

Well, you should...

You should, uh... As my brothers used to say,

you should free-ball it.

You can wear nothing under...

I mean, it's lingerie,

so you don't have to wear undergarments.

What is "free-ball it"?

Have you ever worn a thong?

A what?

A thong.

Yeah, when I go to the beach, I wear thongs.

Oh, you do?

Never figured you for...

Well, my feet get burned on the sand...

No, honey, one of those...

Little, uh... Drawers...

Like a slingshot, goes up your bum.

Oh, God, no. You ever worn those?

No, no.

Those will give you a yeast infection.

Testing, testing.

( Tapping microphone )

This is officer Trudy Wiegel.

It is 0-800...

Oh... 0-1300 hours...

Out here on 4th street.

Doing a little prostitution sting today.

See if we can't catch ourselves

some perverts...

Looking for a little...

Whoopee.

Hey, there.

How you doing today?

Can I offer you...

Can I...

He got scared, he got scared.

There they are.

There they are. There they are.

Son of a bitch.

Freeze!

Freeze right there!

Hands over your head, walk towards us slowly!

Slowly, slowly... Freeze!

Now come forward, come forward!

All right, all right!

Down on your knees!

Hands on your head!

Not you, sir, not you, sir.

Not yet.

Behind your head, not on top.

Sir, to the right...

Hands... head... Behind your head.

Down on your knees, sir.

Do not listen to me, listen to my partner.

Listen to him, not me!

Do not listen to my partner!

Listen to him!

Get all the way down, all the way down.

Don't stop... You stop your crying!

Stop your crying!

You better quit crying!

Get that big ass down!

Get it down!

Okay, look, we got an A.P.B., two male caucasians.

We got khaki slacks, we got button-down shirts,

we got neckties, blue and brown.

You, big man, right here, in the green.

Reach... Get your satchel.

Take it off, sir.

Slow!

Don't move... Get goin'... let go!

Jones, check the bag.

Stay down. Stop crying.

Shut up.

They're Jehovah's witnesses.

What?

They're Jehovah's witnesses.

( Sobbing )

Sorry about that, fellas.

Wrong men.

Sorry about that, have a good day.

A.P.B., my ass.

God, I hate religious people.

( Beep ) The guy was crying.

( Honking horn )

See you, have a good day!

( Wailing siren )

( Junior ) Now, the mayor's all raising hell

because, uh, he wants us to crack down

on illegal fireworks, 'cause his son

blew his thumb off with an m-80.

But, uh, you know, truth is,

I was at that party with this boy,

and, uh, that is not how he lost his thumb.

He was, uh... Very drunk.

I was very drunk myself.

Somebody bet him $25

that he could not snatch a tennis ball

out from underneath a lawnmower

while it was going.

And he did it twice, but they kept...

"Double or nothing, double or nothing,

ray, double or nothing."

And the third time... Whack.

What is that?

What is what? What are you wearing?

Oh, my gosh.

Pull up your bloomers, please!

These aren't bloomers, they're underpants...

Okay, well, your... They should be under.

Look, okay.

I picked can you... It out...

It looked better in the catalog than it does on.

Hey, big boy.

Hey, hey, there, hey.

Stick out your boob...

Look what I'm doing with my leg.

I see what you're doing.

Just do a little hip action, a little hip action.

See that, see?

Oh, see, it's working.

Hey, big boy. Hey.

Good afternoon, ladies.

You want to go around, maybe a B.J. or two?

I'm on my dinner break.

No, go ahead... No, go ahead.

Okay.

Have fun.

All right, thanks.

I'll be... I'll see ya in a few, okay.

Hey, how you doing?

Have fun, you two.

Bye, Trudy...

Wear your seat belt.

I mean, bunny.

Hey, I don't need your sass.

I'll just be here!

Or not!

I might be giving a B.J. somewhere!

1300 hours.

This is lieutenant James dangle on patrol.

I am on the lookout for illegal fireworks.

This guy's flagging me down over here.

What's going on here?

Hi. Hi.

How you doing today ?I'm fine.

Uh, I'm sorry...

Are you having some trouble?

Yes.

I-I... my dog... I lost my dog two days ago.

Oh, you got a lost dog there.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, man, he's really cute.

He's such a cutie pie.

What is... what kind of dog is that?

Well, it's a mix breed.

He won, actually, first prize

at "nuts for mutts" this year...

Did he really?

"Nuts for mutts," isn't that wonderful?

It's half pekingese and half dachshund.

I want to eat him up.

Rebel ?!

Rebel.

That's a wonderful name.

That's a wonderful dog name.

He's based on a... I named him after the movie.

"Rebel..."

"Serpico," 'cause he's a rebel.

I thought in "Serpico" his name is Paco?

Um...

Can I say something? Sure.

Sure. Can I be Frank?

Are you Frank?

I never asked your name.

I'm sorry, I am Frank.

You are Frank.

Oh, my God, that's so funny,

because I'm Jim.

Oh... uh...

Rebel ?! Rebel ?!

Rebel, rebel...

Oh, that's a David Bowie song. Wait, stop.

No.

No, those are flowers.

( Blaring car alarm )

Excuse me!

Sir?

What's going on here?

Hey! Hey!

Did you break this window out?

What?

I'm gonna have to ask you to put that brick down.

Did you use that brick to break out that window?

Nope.

I don't need a brick if want to break a window.

Now, did you break the window?

Have you been sniffing gas?

Okay!

You see that?

Go run from the police and knock your own self out.

Right. Idiot.

Girl, wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait.

Help me get up on this thing.

This look dangerous.

It's pretty steady... There you go.

Oh!

Oh, whoa!

( Clattering )

( Man ) Hello, hello, hello, hello!

All right, you are obstructing justice, sir!

Get back...

That feels good, that feels good!

Whoa, whoa!

( Hooting )

You better hope I don't catch you, boy!

You better hope I don't catch up with you!

Don't touch!

Don't you get in that car!

Do not think about it!

Hey, hey, hey!

( Blaring sirens )

We are screwed. We are screwed.

We are screwed.

We gonna say he tried to rape us.

We gonna lie.

We gonna say he tried to rape us.

( Panting )

He attacked us.

He tried to r...

Hand over the tape.

Give us the tape.

Hand over the... Give us that tape!

I will cut you!

Oop.

♪ Pop goes the weasel

this looks like American cheese.

What size shoe do you wear there?

I have a... 10½,

but I'll tell ya, I'm busting out of it.

I'm busting out of my sneakers.

Open up choo-choo train.

( Imitating train )

Whoo-whoo!

Whoo-whoo!

Watch me, I'll turn on a real siren, watch.

Oh, no, that's a light.

So, you don't think it's too big, right?

I don't... I...

The nose? No.

No, no, it's very, uh...

Uh... Roman.

♪ When in Rome

♪ when in Rome

"when in Rome"... Is that a song?

I'm just flat-out drunk, I think.

Sir? Hey, peek-a-boo.

Hi.

What are you doing playing hide-and-seek tonight?

Why are you hiding behind a gigantic spool, sir?

I'm good, I'm good.

You're good?

Holy [Bleep]! Holy mother of God!

Oh, my God!

Well, well.

Whoa... hey, ho, ho, ho...

Hey, Peter Pan, take it easy!

Whoa, whoa!

Get him, Jones!

Sir, slow down.

We're gonna need backup, we're gonna need backup.

We got a naked white man, uh, running...

Hey, don't do that!

He just flipped us off!

Son of a bitch!

( Muttering )

I don't even want to touch him.

Hey, hey, ho, ho, ho...

Slow down, sir!

Oh, son of a bitch!

Son of a bitch!

Whee-oo!

Goddamn it.

I can't believe that.

I thought you had speed, brother.

( Wiegel ) I enjoy fireworks.

I actually have...

If I have an addiction to anything,

it's sparklers.

Um... you know, round come 4th of July,

uh, you're gonna find me, you know,

taking sparkler off a perp,

giving him a ticket,

and then I'm gonna go in my backyard with my cats

and we're gonna put on a show.

I don't want that one.

Did you just throw that out the window?

I don't want it.

Well, pick it up.

No.

Why, is someone gonna arrest me?

Nope, I already got you.

Don't even try it.

Put it back.

All right.

Leave it alone, okay?

All right, all right.

Slow... and...

( Laughing )

Yeah.

Well, we got a 10-19 call for trespassing.

There is no parking, there's no camping,

there's no, uh, staying for long periods of time.

We got a call about... Well, there it is.

We're gonna have to figure out

what the hell he's doing out here.

Usually, they're drinkin' and reading porno.

Oh, where's all your customers, sir?

I don't, uh...

I don't know how you're doing any business out here.

You serving gophers and, uh...

( Speaking foreign language )

No.

No, no, no.

Uh... wow.

We got a funny-looking van here, don't we?

Golly, look at that.

You got all these "no smoking" signs on your ice cream truck.

You got, uh, "no smoking" here,

and "no smoking" over here,

and "no... Whoa, we got a runner!

There we go, there we go.

( Shouting in foreign language )

Whoa, ho, ho, calm down, calm down.

You gotta learn not to run, sir.

Watch your head. Come on, sir.

Get in!

Get in, sir, don't fight him.

Oh ! He's kicking me!

He's kicking me!

Sir, I will not hesitate to beat your ass

with your own shoe!

Settle down!

What you got in here?

Oh!

Kung pao, bok choy, Jones!

We just hit the China-man gold mine.

Happy new year.

Boy, this would make a party fun.

That'll blow your balls to hell right there,

if you're not careful.

We got a lot of fireworks...

Illegal fireworks here, up in wausau canyon,

so we're gonna need backup.

It's Jones and Garcia here.

How old do I look? How old do I look?

How old do I look?

I don't know.

I don't want... if I go... If I go too high...

You go low, you're gonna offend me either way.

I offend you if I go too low?

Uh, damned if you do, damned if you don't,

you know?

You're a handsome...

You want to see how old I am?

I would love to see how old you are.

Oh, sure, you can take my whole wallet.

Here, look, it's right there.

Just take a look, it's right there.

See right there how old I am.

( Imitating fanfare )

And the winner is you.

Lucky 41.

You got a lot of stuff on that belt.

You got, uh... you don't just have the wallet.

No, I got that...

You have a... What is that?

Is that a gun?

Is there a name for that?

Yeah, it's a glock.

Oh, do you carry the... you carry mace?

Of course I carry mace, I carry everything.

I carry gun clips, I carry mace.

Wow.

This can knock somebody out.

This can put somebody down.

That's the best thing we probably carry.

Yeah, what do you do, just press it like that?

Yeah, exactly...

You just hold it up and you go...

( Screaming and crying )

Oh, my ( Beep ) Wallet.

( Whining )

Ow... oh, ow, ow.

Hey, hey! Ow, ow!

( Sobbing )

Yeah, man.

Yeah, I do feel good about this.

This is great.

You know, the streets of Reno are a lot safer

because of what we did today.

Because of what our accomplishment

of what we did in Reno, we made the streets

that much better for it.

( Exploding )

This ( Bleep ) Ain't funny, man!

Oh, you want to go? You want to go?

Get me a lighter, give me a lighter.

Oh, you want to go with jonesy, huh?

You want to go a round with jonesy?

Let's go!

Let's go mother...( Beep ) Let's go!

( Popping fireworks )

( Whistling rockets )

( Laughing )

There you go.

( Cheering )

Oh, man, this is good times.

( All shouting at once )

Oh ( Beep )

I hit the truck! I hit the truck!

I hit the truck! Go, go, go!

I hit it, I hit it, get down, get down!

What'd you hit?

I hit the truck with a bottle rocket.

Holy cow. Oh, please.

( Shouting )

( Whistling and popping )

( All talking at once )

Oh, my God!

Oh, boy, dangle.

I'm out of here.

I don't know ya, never did.

Oh, man.Wow.

I think we can save it

( dangle ) No, I don't think so.

Can we get the fire department down here?

( Screeching tires )

( Crashing )

What ?! What ?!

What on earth?

Hey... you don't... Hey, I don't need that.

I don't need that.

Look... look, I...

You don't know me, all right?

He's got an apparatus strapped to his head!

You don't know me!

Look, there's a chick here

that's been stealing all my clothes.

This takes 30 seconds to take off.

Do you know what I'm saying?

All I have to do is just take it off.

Do you know what I mean?

I just take this off, it's just off,

and then I'm naked, you know?

I'm just standing there naked.

And then I got, like, half a song left.

I give up! I'm sorry!

I didn't mean to break in.

( Shooting )

Wiegel !Wiegel!

I did it... I did something!

( Laughing )

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

You know, all it is is stay away

from my ( Beep ) tamales.

Watch the language!

And second of all, let's think of another word.

Stay away from my...

( Wiegel ) Popcorn.

No, we're not replacing the tamales,

we're replacing the f-word,

because we don't say the F-word

when we're serving and protecting.

Okay. We don't say the F-word.

What about ( Beep )?

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