All language subtitles for Portlandia s07e07 Portland Secedes.eng

I'm a traveler.
Travel a lot.

[dramatic classical music]

One time I was on my way
to Denver,

I had to change in Chicago.
I was in a real rush,

and I needed to get some food
in me really quick.

There was this sushi.

It was just fishy,
sweet-- for some reason-- flavor,

and as it came apart in my hand
I thought, "Ah.

What is the city missing?"

I had this idea. I just came
to this Alberta district,

and I said, "Let's open up
a airport sushi."

Couple years later...
I had Kuko.

At Kuko,
we are proud to serve

the most borderline
not-sushi sushi

in the whole world.

I want to make it
like we have no love for it.

Order up.

I said,
"Let's be the last people

at the fish market."

And everyone said
you have to be a smart chef

who looks at your food
and really considers it.

I thought, "No, why?"

I want to be the chef that says,
"Get this thing outta here."

I want this to be
a unifying sushi that...

anyone can eat
but nobody wants to eat.

Airport sushi,
that flavor of rice

you don't get
anywhere else,

where it's so hard
you actually feel like,

"Am I eating
bits of plastic?"

Open the fridge please.
See how this is?

This got sent back.

Great. Uh, yeah, send that one
back to them again.

Let's add a little something
to it.

There we go.
Meaningless paper.

[Washed Out's
"Feel It All Around" playing]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

- I am outraged!
- [both screaming]

Look at this.

"Port-langeles."
Hmm? Does that make you happy?

Doesn't make me happy.
Have you noticed

the influx of outsiders
into Portland lately?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

And they're taking our jobs,

they're filling up
our coffee shops.

Not, like, our jobs,
but just jobs in general.

They actually want
to work,

and that's changing
our way of life.

I went to a restaurant
the other night

and every table was full.

There's no room
for us spontaneous boho types

to roll in, right,
and just have dinner.

That's true.

I need things to be
weird and freaky.

- Yeah.
- The more people

that come in
from the outside,

the more we start having
to adapt to them.

Yeah, I know, I know.
We have to control our borders.

Yeah, but we can't legally
not allow people

to come into the city.

No, we can't,
you're right.

But there is something
we can do.

[regal music]

[people chanting]
Keep us weird! Keep us weird!

Keep us weird! Keep us weird!

What can you do?

And that is why, as mayor,
I've decided

it's time that we need
to secede and form

our own weird
and yet independent nation.

- [cheers and applause]
- Secede!

[overlapping shouts]

- That's our mayor, man.
- That's great.

Keep Portland weird
and independent!

Keep Portland the nation!

Keep our nation
independent and weird.

Let's succeed and go

- Portland be independent...
- Independence now.

Seceding now.
Portland, let's se--

Let's for--
Portland nation.

Portland the nation.

Portland the nation
seceding now.

both: Portland the nation
seceding now.

all: Portland the nation
seceding now.

Portland the nation
seceding now.

Portland the nation
seceding now!

[triumphant music]

Portland the nation
seceding now!

Portland the nation
seceding now!

Portland the nation
seceding now!

- Portland the na--
- Who's with me?

[indie rock music]

- Great bagel.
- Yeah, New York style.

Let's get back
and clean out the garage.

Whoa.

[dramatic music]

Can you back out?

That's like
a 40-point turn.

Look at that.
1 inch.

It's 1 inch
from the tire.

Is this your car?

The engine's still warm,
so you should be nearby.

I see you up there.
Is this your car?

Hi, we're Kath and Dave.

We can't get out,
you idiot.

Look!
Look at that!

That's your car!

Your car!

When they come back
they're not gonna know

that it was us.

They need to suffer
for their crime.

I don't want this
to be wasted.

Well,
let's get the notebook.

The notebook!

"Notes to Park by."

- Let's do it.
- We worked hard on these.

"There's a better parking spot
for you

down by the imbecile factory."

- I don't know.
- Okay, what about this?

"Where do you go to school?
Idiot Tech?"

- Ha ha!
- Ooh, let's try that one.

- This'll work.
- Too lethal.

- Too polite.
- No, that's not right.

- No, no, no, no!
- None of these are working.

- We have to write our own.
- Let's do it.

Thank you very much.

I wish for you

to be somewhere else--

underground!

How would you like it if we
parked in your living room?

Make "living room" longer.

Living roo-oo-oo--

You think you have the right
to block me in like a monster?

If this is a nightmare,
you're in it!

We're gonna make you drink
your own gasoline!

[car horn honks]

- You're gonna get towed!
- Do it!

[both yelling indistinctly]

- We will find you!
- Ah!

That is in there.

Read it and weep!

Kath and Dave.

What's going on? How are you?
Look how this idiot parked.

We're so sorry.

- Did we block you in?
- Yeah.

This is your car?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

What, uh--
what are you guys doing?

It's a--
our cat's missing.

This-- this is actually
a drawing he did, so-- yeah.

Please, if you see our cat,
let us know.

Little more.
Little more. Good.

All right.

- No, no, no!
- Grass. Grass. Grass.

- No construction!
- No--

- No construction!
- Good morning.

- Hi, excuse me, guys.
- Can we help you, sir?

- Yeah, hi.
- Are you lost, little boy?

No, I'm not lost. I'm here
to put in a parking lot today,

so I'm gonna need you guys
to take your game

and kind of-- kind of move it
elsewhere.

We're not going anywhere,
do you understand?

You can't bulldoze this,

because we are representing
Mother Earth.

This is her scalp.

Look, just a little spot
of land.

What-- it's not a big deal.

Oh, just a little spot
of land.

- Yeah.
- Maybe we should bulldoze

those buildings and put grass
on that. How does that sound?

Well, you know, if you-- you--
you get-- we get the contract,

yeah, I'm-I'm happy to do it.

Oh, you're just all about--
[bleep].

You're all about--

Do you see this?
I'm doing the money--

- I-- no, I see it.
- Yeah, you're just hungry.

- Just--
- I just--

I just want to do my job.

Look, the message is clear.
Go elsewhere.

We are not gonna move.

Plus, we can't move.
Ugh.

We're croquet-ed in here.

[groaning]

Okay.

Good, go have your coffee.

Ha! We got 'em!

- Parking lot...
- We think not.

- Parking lot. We--
- Hello. Hi.

- Are you the eco-terrorists?
- Who's asking?

Well, I'm here
to let you guys know

that you've been selected
to receive an award

for best protest
at The Protest Awards

this afternoon
at the Desi Arnaz banquet hall.

All the information
is right there.

I'm just gonna leave it
right here for ya,

just jam it right there
in the dirt.

And, uh, it's a black tie event,
so please wear your best.

- Huh.
- We will see you there.

- Thank you very much.
- Okay, I guess.

The invitation looks
pretty official.

Yeah, there's, like,
gold lettering on it.

Also, we're gonna go
up there-- we're not

just gonna go up there and
be like, "Thank you, thank you."

- We're gonna use it.
- Yeah.

Do you guys wanna go?

- I wanna go.
- I'll go.

[award show music]

- Are we ready?
- Whew. I feel ready.

- I'm ready.
- Okay. Lest we forget,

this is the biggest platform
we've ever had

to get our message out,
so let's get in there

and just get
to the core of it.

That's right.
Let's get in there.

- [gasps]
- Oh.

- Ah! What did they do?
- No!

- No!
- What? Great.

- We were duped!
- I guess we failed.

- It's our own fault, you know.
- Yeah.

Sorry, kids. You know,
you're just gonna have to find

some other little piece of grass
to save,

because this one's gone,
but you know what?

You're all winners
in my book.

- Let's get outta here, guys.
- Yeah. See--

Actually, you--
hold on a second.

We prepared a speech, right?
Let's say it.

[dramatic music]

- Let's say it to him.
- I can't wait.

Really?
Brandon.

Listen up.

This award is,
uh, unexpected.

Uh... I can't
thank you enough.

We, uh, really didn't
see this coming.

I didn't prepare anything.
Uh, is my wife here somewhere?

[laughs]

[indie rock music]

Fred and Carrie?

- Right this way.
- Sure.

Have a seat, please.

[dramatic music]

[whispering]
Fred and Carrie, sir.

Fred and Carrie.
Hi.

- How's it going?
- How you doing?

- Hey.
- Thanks for seeing us.

Oh, thank you
for coming in.

So what can I
do you for today?

We're here to tell you
that Portland

wants to secede
from the nation.

[ominous music]

It says here you're
under a three-year contract

with two years
still left on it.

The penalty for early
termination will be $97.

Uh, wow.
Didn't expect that. All right.

You're gonna have to return
all the American stuff

you guys have.
That's American flags,

flagpoles,
telephone poles.

- What?
- Says here

you have three gavels.

We will need
those gavels back.

This kind of bureaucracy,

this kind of overregulation
of small people,

this is exactly why
we're leaving.

Okay. I don't do this
for everyone,

but I'll do it for you.

Three years membership
in the union,

we give you three months
of free water and power.

That's it. All right,
get outta here. Get outta here!

- No bribes.
- That's it, go.

Fill out the form
that says that Portland

is no longer part
of the United States.

We would like the city
and the river.

- You can't have the river.
- Yes, we can.

Flags of convenience,
maritime law.

Any seafaring vessel can
seafare alo-- along the sea,

along the shores
without touching the shore,

as long as they have
fuel or sails.

- That's not true at all.
- It is very true.

So what kind of taxes are you
gonna have in your country?

$12.

The currency's gonna be
dollars?

No, goo-koos.

- Goo-koos?
- Goo-koos.

And what's this money
gonna look like?

They're little balls.

They're like ping pong balls
but painted white.

And so everything is done
by gravity,

so cash registers,
instead of being

that stupid thing that jumps
out at you, is a sack.

So you go to a grocery store,
and it'll be like,

"Oh, the next goo-koo sack is
available. Please step up"?

- Yes.
- Okay.

We're very sorry,
but we're proud.

- We're gonna secede.
- All right.

- I can do this for you, but...
- Thank you.

It'll take three years.

- No. We want it now.
- Now.

- What's-- what's three years?
- You-- you know what?

Secession isn't
about waiting,

and it's not about asking
for permission.

It actually is.
That's what you're doing

right now.
You're asking me for permission.

- No.
- No, no, we're telling you.

We're telling you
that we're leaving.

No, you can't just leave.
You can't just say "leave"

and you're gone.
You have to fill out forms!

Freedom is not about form!
It's about reform,

and this...

is our declaration
of independence.

Today is our Fourth of July.

[regal music]

I am gonna find
those gavels.

I know where they are.
They're in the courthouses.

[imitating sheep]

[groans]
[imitating explosion]

[groans]

- Daddy, I have a question.
- Yeah?

When you're dead,
are you dead forever?

[slow quirky music]

Oh.

Uh...
[groans]

You want to play a game?

You can play with my phone
if you want.

[gasps]

I didn't know
what to say.

I was just--
"Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh."

I mean, I think we just need
to start rolling out

some of the scarier concepts,
you know?

Start with the easier stuff,

build up
to the really heavy things,

and-- just a roll out
of bad news.

This is a huge leap.
We're like, "Here's candy,

here's racism,
and then cancer?"

- What about death?
- Honey, I--

That's what started this.

I know it seems huge, but it's
a part of everyday life.

- I-I agree.
- You know, maybe we--

we get him a goldfish
or something, yeah.

- And kill the goldfish.
- No. I-I don't--

Menendez brothers.

Does he need to know
about the Menendez brothers?

They killed their parents.

He's not gonna kill--
You're right.

You know what, I want to start
with something easy.

Plastic surgery.
Okay, explain plastic surgery.

I'm Grover.

Listen, I-I--
[laughs]

How about geysers?

Permanent stains I think
is-- is a good one.

Assassinations?
Too soon? Too soon?

Prison industrial complex.

You don't like geysers, huh?

Concussions, football.

So Grover,
when you play football--

Oh, he's not
playing football.

Brendan, "geyser" is not
making it up on this board.

If you want to have
a private conversation,

- who in you--
- One last argument for it.

- Brendan--
- There are over ten people

every 100 years
who die in geysers.

You don't think that number's
kind of high?

- No.
- Santa? That's not till later.

Let's be on the same page
as-- as the Santa thing,

'cause I know you-- you found out
kind of-- kind of late.

Look, Kris Kringle
is a real name.

He is of Russian origin.

What-- where did we get
the imagery from?

- He is--
- Mythology, fairy tales.

What fairy tale?

- It-- Santa, I-- No, I--
- Gotcha. He's--

No, you didn't get me.

I got that Beatle box set,

and I was like,
"Who gave me this?"

You said to me, you're like,
"It wasn't me,"

and you shrugged
and you smiled.

So you thought that Santa
got that for you?

- Who got it for me?
- I did.

I ordered it off Amazon,
it came,

I wrapped it up,
and I gave it to you.

[somber music]

[sniffs]
All right, let's--

let's-- let's see
what else there is.

The phone's out of battery.

[hopeful music]

The phone.

- The phone.
- The phone.

The phone.
Grover, honey,

I'm gonna give you a charger.
I want you to charge the phone

'cause we have a lot of words
for you to look up.

Yeah, a bunch of words,
okay?

You could start with "war."

Yeah, W-A-R.

You know what you could Google,
"Santa Claus."

You mean "Kris Kringle."

[indie rock music]

What do you feel like
for lunch, hon?

Is there a beans place
anywhere?

Oh, probably.

Peter,
will you look at that?

I was just reading about this
in the paper.

That is Banksy,
he's a graffiti artist,

and no one knows
his identity.

It's so fascinating.
[chuckles]

Banksy could be anyone.
It's so neat.

A-anyone, huh?

Nance, don't you think that
looks like my handwriting?

[laughs]
I guess.

[stuttering]
N-Nance,

what if I'm Banksy?

Don't be silly.

Well, then Nance,
how do you explain

my whereabouts between 9:00 PM
and 8:00 AM, huh?

Uh, you were sleeping.

You were sleeping.

Eh, how do you know
what I was doing?

I-I could have been doing
graffiti all night.

That seems
very unlikely,

that you'd be doing graffiti
in your sleep.

Uh, I-I guess you're right.
I-I do love private property.

I-I-I guess
I'm not Banksy.

Peter,
what's on your hand?

[dramatic music]

Look at the--
look at the paint.

That's spray-paint
on-- on my hand.

Peter, we figured this out
earlier.

That is from when I asked you
to change the printer cartridge,

and you did,
and thank you.

You don't know what it's like
to be a political artist, and--

Peter, you're not
a political guy.

- Yes-- yes I am.
- How?

I remember wh-when I saw
a picture

of the Leaning Tower of Pisa,
I-I said, "Hey.

They gotta fix-- they gotta
fix that thing." Uh--

You're not
an anti-corporate human.

Remember when I wrote
to-- to-- to Disney

and I said, "You should have
more Daisy Duck"?

Exactly.
You love Walt Disney.

You love Disneyland.
We've been there 18 times.

A-and I've been there
22 times.

Not everyone
can be anti-corporate

or anti-capitalist.
That's just not who you are,

and that's okay.

Now, I'm gonna climb into bed
with you, all right?

- This is cozy.
- Ow, ow, ow! Don't--

- yeah-- ouch!
- [groans]

Peter?
Are you feeling okay?

I-I'm just
a-a little out of it.

- Probably need some coffee.
- Okay, I'll-I'll get coffee.

- At--
- We're hearing reports

of yet another
Banksy graffiti sighting

on the side of a downtown
Portland establishment.

It's an image
of Ronald McDonald

drinking a cup
of Stumptown coffee.

For-- for crying out loud,
did you hear that?

No, hon.
What's up?

Banksy-- me-- is out on--
on the loose again

at McDonald's!

You love McDonald's,
also, you can't draw.

Well, ap-apparently I can.

Well, then draw
Ronald McDonald.

Draw him right now.

Peter,
that's a stick figure.

It represents
Ronald McDonald.

I have to turn myself in.
I'm a criminal.

A-a-a-a-a-and if it please
the court, Your Honor,

th-th-that is why
I'm convinced

th-that I'm the political
graffiti artist B-Banksy.

I've reviewed the charges
against you,

which are
largely self-inflicted.

You may have noticed I haven't
even touched my gavel today.

That's the degree of seriousness
we're treating this with.

You're not Banksy.

Peter.

Did you hear him?
Just come home.

But I have to answer
f-f-for my crimes, Nance.

Your Honor? Someone graffitied
the side of the courthouse.

We think it was Banksy.

Ha.
How did I get out of jail?

I-- am I Houdini?

You're not Houdini.
You're not Banksy.

You know what, I'd love to take
this lesson outside.

Like, you know, meet me
down there by the new Banksy

in a few minutes,
have a little talk.

Thank you, Your Honor.
I-I respect your decision.

[spray can spraying]

[dramatic music]

[distorted voice]
Hello, Peter.

I've been waiting for you.

W-w-what is this,
a-a-a setup?

Am I-- am I being framed?

You're not being framed.
I don't mean to be dramatic.

It's very hot out.

Y-you're Banksy?

Not quite.
Banksy is a construct

to help build up the value
of low income neighborhoods.

Oh.

I'm so relieved
th-that it's not me.

Everything's better everywhere
that we add the art.

Do you like beans?

I-I-I love beans.

You get a Banksy,
you get a bean store.

- You get a bean restaurant.
- Ooh.

- We did it! Ha ha!
- Yeah!

Oh, oh, I had
new money printed up.

Huh?
Look at this.

- Whoa.
- Look at that, huh?

I am gonna need
a bigger wallet for that.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

- That's brilliant.
- Right? Very practical.

This is so much better
than goo-koos.

Right? Sometimes
you forget your wallet.

That you'll never forget.
Oh, that reminds me.

We have to sign
the constitution.

- Oh, my gosh, this is--
- Wow!

- This is historical.
- This is it.

This is the Constitution

of the People's Republic
of Portland.

I even got a special pen.

"I do declare a new nation
dedicated to all principles

that hereby do represent
the values and judgments

of the founders
who sit before me today."

We are
the Founding Fathers.

Yes, you are.
Do the honors?

I mean, this is
the real thing.

- And here we go.
- Good, okay, good.

Let me take a picture
of this...

- There you go.
- So I can send it off

to the US Government.

- Okay.
- Take it!

- Uh-huh.
- Good. And...

- Modern times, huh?
- Done.

- This is great.
- Nice work.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Okay, now that we
got that done,

who's ready for Beyonc??

- [screams]
- [laughter]

- Yes!
- This is the best day!

- Huh? Come on!
- All right.

I took the liberty
of putting together

a little video playlist
of the Queen Bee's performances.

We're gonna enjoy these
tonight.

Oh, a little celebration.

Why does it say "video
not available in our country"?

Hmm.
That's weird.

- Is it an old computer?
- [phone ringing]

- Is it a computer from another--
- Maybe.

Hello, Mayor of--
uh, sorry.

President of the New
People's Republic of Portland.

[regal music]

Um, oh. Okay.
Uh, well, thanks for calling.

Ooh, you don't look happy.

Beyonc?'s tour
is United States only.

She can't perform here
unless she has a visa.

She needs a visa
to come in here?

She needs a visa
to come to Portland.

It's my dad's birthday
this weekend,

and he lives
in Washington State.

Am I gonna need a visa
to go see him?

Yeah, in fact you are.

- I am?
- Yeah.

Well, why did--
why didn't we put that

in the-- the constitution?
Why didn't we,

- like, consider these things?
- Uh, uh, w-we just--

it's just this one paragraph.
That's all it is.

It's just a constitution.
We haven't--

Mr. Mayor, I'm gonna
ask you a question.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm not gonna get mad.

I pumped all of my savings
into the treasury...

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- ...of our new country.

Now, if I go to another country,
is this legal?

Can I exchange this?

Well, Fred--

Oh, no!

It'll be fine,
we'll figure out--

Mr. Mayor,
Fred is broke,

I can't be with my dad
on his birthday,

and we're not going
to Beyonc?!

Ah, it's the worst!

- Abandon ship.
- Abandon ship.

- Let's get outta here.
- [all talking at once]

Please?

Aw, man.

I'd love to help you guys out,
but unfortunately,

someone ripped up
the contract

Portland had
with the United States.

Remember that?
"Freedom isn't about forms,

it's about reforms"?

Yeah,
let's reform that contract

back into something whole.

Yeah, I can print out
a new one.

[hopeful music]

It'll take three
to four business years.

[dramatic music]

So, how'd it go?

Oh, I-I got a green card.

They said I am an alien
of extraordinary ability.

Uh, great.

And they're still doing
a background check on me.

I guess I look
vaguely Middle Eastern.

- How about you?
- Uh, well, yeah.

I'm gonna keep Portland
as a tax shelter for the rich.

I like that,
that's a good idea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, hey, let me know

if you want to hide
billions of dollars.

- Yeah, we will.
- Okay.

Sushi?

Santa is a construct.

No, the myth about Santa
is a construct.

So there's one Kris Kringle
that's been alive for how long?

He must be 77.

So the idea of Santa
started 77 years ago,

when Santa was a baby?

Not Santa,
Kris Kringle.

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0