All language subtitles for Portlandia s07e05 Amore.eng

The bathroom's just down
the hallway.

Take your second right,
then two lefts,

- just before the break room.
- Okay.

- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.

If you're like me,
then you know

I have no idea
where I'm going.

My brain shuts down immediately
when I hear directions.

[inspirational music]

When I get driving directions,

I politely nod and smile,

but as soon as I get
to my phone, I just map it.

And up until now,
there's been no way to navigate

inside an office.

Many times,
I've left a meeting

and had the embarrassment
of looping back

by the person I just left.

I say things like,
"I'm all turned around."

But, in fact, I never had
my bearings to begin with.

[cell phone chimes]

Finally,
there's Navigation Extreme,

with maps
of all office buildings,

municipal buildings,
and homes.

Navigating to bathroom.
Proceed to highlighted route.

With Navigation Extreme, now
you can have that same thing

for every building
in the world.

Approaching cubicles.

- [cell phone chimes]
- Destination ahead.

You have arrived
at the bathroom.

Navigate to toilet?

Thanks, Navigation Extreme.

[dog barking in the distance]

[cell phone chimes]

And now the new
Navigation Extreme

will guide you for when
you're figuratively lost.

You have been idle
for 3.5 weeks.

Get job.

You know what?
You're hired.

Shake hands
with interviewer.

Make eye contact
with interviewer.

You may now
leave the room.

[Washed Out's
"Feel It All Around" playing]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

I can't believe it.
You're also not on Tinder.

- Yeah.
- It's the worst.

- It's so dehumanizing.
- It's dehumanizing.

[chuckles]

You knew I was going
to say that.

That was very funny.

- I'll get this.
- Oh, thank you.

I don't know.
Like, I guess that's it.

- Oh, the night?
- Yeah.

Well, we could go back
to my place.

Uh, yeah, I'm definitely
up for that if you are.

I am up for it.

[sighs]

[dramatic music]

No spots.

All right,
one more little round.

Mm...

Please, please, please,
please, please, please, please.

How is there
this much yellow?

What do they need
all these spots for?

- Hey.
- Hi.

I just can't find
a parking space anywhere.

I didn't realize
tomorrow's garbage day.

I know. And they're towing
cars at 6:00 AM.

All right, well,
if you get a spot,

text me, and I'll come get you
so you don't have to walk.

Okay. Well, wait. What if you
get a spot before I do?

Well, then I'll text you,
and you can have my spot.

- Aw. You'd do that?
- I'm a very nice guy.

- You are.
- Yes, I am.

- I can't wait.
- [groans]

- Oh, I think I see a spot.
- Oh, go, get it.

- Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
- Yes. Fire hydrant again.

The one time I want to go
home with a guy.

The one time I'm feeling
a little crazy.

She said,
"Do you want to hang out?

I want to spend more time to"--
and I can't park.

Go somewhere.
You go somewhere.

May no one ever park there.

- Come on!
- Please, please! Oh, please!

I'm finding a spot.
I am grateful. God damn it!

- This is insane.
- Why? Why? Why?

[dramatic music]

[rooster crowing]

All right, I think
we just have to face it.

This...

this isn't working out.

Can you please just give me
just one more chance?

I can't, okay?

My contact lens is fused
to my iris.

I think I have to call
a doctor.

- I'm a doctor.
- Good-bye, Fred.

- I'm gonna go to my mom's.
- All right.

Good-bye, Grace.

No.
What am I doing?

I just-- I can't get a handle
on this kind of dating.

I-I don't think
I'm meant for this.

It does seem
really overwhelming.

Why would they choose me
over all these other options?

I-I think I'm just
too sensitive.

Well, what about the dinner
date the other night?

That didn't work out--
parking logistics.

- Ah, I hate that.
- Yeah.

I just wish there was some way
I could have something arranged,

you know, where I can have,

like, a guaranteed mate
for life.

We hear that all the time.

And we actually are
the number-one

arranged-marriage service
in Portland.

- This is great.
- Yeah.

Well, I brought my mom,
'cause I thought--

I don't know how this works.

Like, does she choose
somebody or...?

No, we at Amore,
we act as your-- as your family,

as your parents.

We're the person
who you confide in most

your desires and wants.

Uh, do you-- do you know
Tom and Jennifer?

No.

They're happy together.
Yeah.

They walk by sometimes, and you
can see them holding hands.

Wow. Well, I'm really excited
about this.

- Uh, how tall are you?
- 6'2 3/4".

- 6'2 3/4".
- No, Mom, I'm 5'8".

But the pediatrician said
that you'd be 6'2 3/4".

No, but I never reached
that height.

- Okay.
- It's my pediatrician.

Currently my doctor, so...

As an adult man,
you see a pediatrician?

Yes, but I call him doctor.
I'm not like--

I'm a--
He knows I'm a grown man.

- Yeah.
- He's a doctor.

- He's a child's doctor.
- Yes.

- Okay.
- But...

There's no judgment here.

- Judge away if you want.
- I mean, if I can...

- You know?
- A little bit, I will.

I mean, I just want a mate.

What is your favorite food?

Spaghetti and meatballs.

He loves spaghetti
and meatballs.

Mm-hmm.
She makes the best.

Oh, Mom's spaghetti
and meatballs?

Yes.

She seems like
a special lady, huh?

She is very loving.

And she also gives me
my space.

She's a caretaker.
She challenges my intellect.

- Yeah.
- She's very cool.

I-I feel uncool
talking so highly about my mom,

but it's just one
of those relationships.

That's really cool.
It's cool to hear.

You're very special,
too, Freddie.

Great, so you're 5'8",
you like spaghetti.

We're almost done.

If this is it,
I would like to know

what the results are.

Well, you're gonna get an
email with a phone number on it.

You call it,
and that's your wife.

[silly slide whistle]

All right, big smile,
give me a smile.

[camera shutter clicks]

Yeah, all right.

[camera shutter clicks]

[upbeat music]

[laughs]

[ominous music]

[upbeat music playing
from computer]

Beautiful.

[indistinct chatter]

- Beautiful.
- [indistinct chatter]

- Beautiful.
- Peek-a-boo.

Aw, beautiful.
Beautiful.

Beautiful.
Beautiful.

Bea-u-ti-ful.

[laughing]

"You look so nice today."

[ominous electronic music]

"Nice to see you!"

Nah.

[ominous music]

Beautiful.

[upbeat music]

Arrived.
Fred is near.

Fred is near.
Fred is near.

Excuse me. I think I have
the wrong address.

I'm looking for Fred.

[spitting]

- Fred is near.
- Okay.

- Fred is near.
- Hey, Carrie.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey, you found it.

Yeah.
I thought I had the wrong place.

No, this is it
This is where I'm at.

- I see you met Giuseppina.
- Yeah.

- That's her.
- Wow.

Uh, Fredo,
why you come outside?

I make-a the meatballs inside.

Uh, look who's here.
This is my friend Carrie.

- Hey.
- [speaking foreign language]

She sweeps all the time.
Like, uh...

- It's a clean porch, yeah.
- It's always clean, yeah.

- You look really good.
- I am so happy.

This company
did a great job.

This whole arranged-marriage
thing, perfect.

- We spend every second together.
- What did you do--

like, list
your favorite cheeses

and you were like,
"Parmesan," or...?

No, because I did
my usual thing.

- Uh-huh.
- I was like, "Hey,

I like this.
I like music and stuff."

Did you, like,
arrive on a Vespa?

Like, I just don't know
how this happened.

It's all them.
I'm just myself...

- Yeah. Great. Well...
- ...and they just, you know--

- Giuseppina's in my life, and...
- Yeah.

Look how she watches
over me.

- I know, it's very--
- I've never felt so protected.

What do you guys
talk about?

- Whatever.
- Mm-hmm.

Movies, TV, music,
all that stuff, you know.

- Yeah.
- She doesn't understand

everything I say,
usually,

and, um-- so she'll sort of
look up at God a lot.

Mm-hmm.
How's the sex?

It's good. It's-- you know,
she has, like, a single bed.

- It's, like, low to the floor.
- Mm-hmm.

And the floor is very hard,
so are those metal coils.

- Uh-huh.
- And then, um,

a lot of paintings of, like,
Jesus and Mary and the hearts.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Fredo, Fredo, come inside.

- Nice to see you.
- I'll see you real soon.

Giuseppina, I'm sorry.

Uh, let's do something
tomorrow.

- Okay.
- [spits]

Wow.

- Why are we outside?
- You're my fianc?e.

I just wanted to take you
out on a date

after church, you know?

Nice thing to do.

- You want a different flavor?
- This is not a gelato.

Here are some movies.

That one's more for, like,
little kids,

which actually might be nice
fro a date.

I like-a the old movies!
Where's the Giancarlo Rudolfo?

Giovanni Gentile?
Giovanni Gentile?

Giovanni Gentile?

Tonight I'm not gonna be
selfish, all right?

I love you. Let's do whatever
you want to do.

Do you want to go home?
Is that what it is?

[exhales deeply]

So what do you want to do?
Do you want to go to bed or...?

Here we go.

[traditional Italian music
playing]

Oh.
This is what you like?

Mm, ah?

Oh, this is you.

- Hey!
- [chuckles]

I like this.

Look how happy you are.

[church bell tolling]

I'm-a so happy.

[sniffs]

[spits]

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hi, uh, could we get
two tickets, please?

Sure, that's $30 apiece.

- Uh, that seems like a lot.
- Yeah.

Should we just-- should we just
see something at home?

- It's not a bad idea, yeah.
- It's a luxury theater.

- Oh.
- We specialize

in the exotically familiar.

What does that mean
exactly?

It's new, but the same.

It's better than
a home experience.

- Uh-huh.
- Uh...

Do you want to try it?
Yeah? Okay.

Hi. Welcome to
the home movie theater.

- I am Wayne.
- And I'm Ursula.

The first thing we're gonna do
is go over some of the amenities

of the home movie theater
experience.

That's right. So let's talk
a little bit about the screen.

You'll notice it's smaller
than usual.

We've dialed it in
at the perfect 36 inches,

If you'll look
at the side tables,

we've got something for you
called a cinema wand.

Ooh.

Please reach
for your cinema wands.

Now, with the cinema wand,
you can make the decibels

of the film go up
or come down.

All of your
cinema wands work,

so they'll be working
against each other.

[laser fire]

This is just a regular movie.

It's gonna be boring. That's why
we have iPads for you.

So we got some iPads here
for an extra fee.

As soon as you start using them,
we're gonna start charging you.

And just-- as you're watching,
just sort of lean like this.

Just keep it on the couch

and kind of pretend to watch
a little bit.

But then look down.
Look at the news.

- You could talk to each other.
- Yeah.

We've also got, uh,
wonderful, delicious

Tillamook ice cream here,
right over there in the freezer.

And every container
is almost fully eaten.

We know no one wants to be
that guy

that eats right down
to the last bite,

but turns out,
everyone was that guy.

So go ahead and get in there
and also be that guy.

- Wonderful.
- Now, you're not gonna miss

a second of this film 'cause
the toilet is right there.

and you can sit on it,
leave the door open,

and keep watching the movie.

You can also walk around.

We've got all kinds of thing--
reading material.

Got some mail over here,
if you want to go through it.

Yeah. So tonight
what we are showing

is the second half
of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

It's been a long time
since any of you have seen

the movie since the beginning,

and that's the way
it's going to remain.

And there we go.
Let's keep the lights on.

- Whoo.
- All right.

Enjoy your show.

Movies the way
they were meant to be shown.

[cheers and applause]

Now, that was
a great day off.

[camera shutter clicks]

Beautiful.

[upbeat music]

[people clamoring]

Quiet, please.
Take your seats.

I hear you.
Trust me.

I've listened
to your voice mails.

I have read your emails.
I know your concerns.

We're here tonight
to figure out

how to best address
these issues.

W-we can't wait around

while you figure out how to
"best address these issues."

This is an emergency.

For God's sake, woman,
our children have no grit.

My child is soft.

Can't even watch a TV commercial
without tearing up.

I'm sorry, and I have read
the article

about the importance of grit.

Then you should know
that when children are raised

with too much support
and self-esteem,

they're sometimes
unable to deal

with the harsh realities
of life,

causing them to fail
in adulthood.

Some of the faculty and I
have been talking

about rectifying
the situation.

I would like to present
to you...

- Operation Safe Bully.
- [parents oh]

This brings it back
to what we believe in.

God, guns, grades,
grads, and grit.

all: Yeah.

I like that.

Hi, Bob.
Morning.

Morning, students.

I just wanted to introduce you
to a new schoolmate.

- This is Chip Pinsky.
- Hi, everybody.

Now, you'll probably see Chip
in the hallways,

and I just want to assure you
that your parents

and teachers know
that he is here.

Have a wonderful day.

Watch your step!

[laughs menacingly]

[school bell ringing]

Look who it is.
[chuckles menacingly]

Where you going?
Oh, think fast!

- [chuckles]
- Oh, my gosh.

What was-- what happened?
What-- what's his name?

- Schuler.
- Schuler.

Will you please get
the school nurse?

- Uh-huh.
- Schuler.

Schuler, can you hear me,
buddy?

Did you pass out?
You okay there?

Okay, just breathe.

What are you looking at?

All right, just--
just stay there.

Hey, you're lucky!

[toilet flushes]

Fork over your lunch money,
four eyes.

I don't have any.
I already ate.

What about you, four eyes?

What am I gonna eat?

- You gonna be hungry?
- Yes.

All right.

You like peanut butter
and wheat bread?

Are you allergic to wheat?

- And you want some milk?
- Sure.

There you go.
[chuckles]

- Thanks for the lunch money.
- You okay, Aiden?

You want me to go get
Miss Bell?

No. I think I'll be okay.

I'll-- I'll be okay.

[rock music]

Dropped your books.

- Hey, jerk!
- Jerk?

- Uh...
- Somebody called me a jerk.

I guess somebody wants
to get shoved.

No, no, no, please don't.
I-I'd really rather not.

It's not as bad as you think.
Here, hang out there.

So the easiest way
to get shoved is, there's--

this is-- this is padding,
so it takes the impact of it.

And the best way to do it is
just hold on to my wrist.

- Okay.
- So, if you--

Hit the impact
with the other hand,

and it sounds louder
than it really is, all right?

So just go ahead
and fall down.

There you go.
Yeah!

See that?
Who's next?

Hey, you got some books to read
down there.

[chuckles]

You okay?

You know,
I-I-I think I am.

[Chip chuckles goofily]
That's a stupid sandwich.

Carrots? Ha ha.
What's that? An apple?

Well, your face looks
like an apple.

Chip!
We need to talk.

You've only been here three
days, and no one likes you.

And you're just a big bully.

And you're not even good
at that.

all: Yeah!

And you know what?
I'm gonna tell Mr. Crandall

that you made Stella cry
yesterday in the gym.

all: Yeah!

And you know what they're
gonna do after that?

- What?
- They're gonna call

your parents, and they're gonna
put you on medication.

all: - Yeah!
- Yeah, on medication!

all: Get him out!
Get him out!

Get him out!
Get him out!

Well, whatever that plan was,
it needs to end now.

I mean, my daughter won't wear
her bicycle helmet,

and she keeps talking
about taking something

called Krav Maga.

I told my son he needed
to start thinking

about what his college major
will be,

and he got me in a headlock
and tried to give me a swirly.

You have to do something
right away.

- Now they're too gritty.
- I agree.

With that in mind...

Operation Refragilization.

The plan is two words--
musical theater.

From grit to "Grease."

We're holding auditions
on Friday.

Oh, yay!
Fabulous.

Giuseppina, I made meat-balls for us,

exactly like you like it--

a little red pepper
in there.

Fred...

I have to break it off.

I'm sorry.

I-- You're breaking up
with me?

I don't understand.
I got baptized for you.

I go back
to the old country.

This was a summer fling.

A summer fling?
That's what I am to you?

I just--
You really seemed happy.

You were dancing
and everything.

I was happy,
happy for you.

You were born again,

in the light of Christ-a.

Oh, I know.

You're breaking-a my heart.
I make-a the meatball.

[whimpering]
It's beautiful. It's--

[smooches]

Giuseppina...

[somber music]

I leave-a tomorrow.

Wait a minute.
This is--

this is your house.

So how are you going back
to the old country?

This--
No, this, uh, Airbnb.

Uh, we have to be out
by 9:00 AM tomorrow morning-a.

- 9:00 in the morning?
- Yes, yes.

Giuseppina, I-I moved
all my stuff in.

- It's European, uh...
- Oh?

Go with life, and I knew
at the end of summer-a,

the Airbnb property
would be done.

Well, this isn't Europe,
and we have to plan. I-I--

That's why
I'm old country.

It's beautiful,
but it cannot last.

I still have to move out.

I mean, I have all
my stuff here.

This is not my problem-a.

I'm sorry
about your breakup.

I mean, I guess I shouldn't
have been so presumptuous

about it all, you know?

I feel like you should...

be happy that it ended,
in some ways.

I--
How do you mean?

I just mean you can't be
in a relationship

with someone who doesn't feel
the same way.

I-I guess that
might be true.

- Your friend's right, you know?
- I'm sorry?

I don't mean to eavesdrop,
but your friend is right.

You can't derive happiness
from other people.

It has to come from in here.

Yeah, but look at that couple
over there.

Look how happy they are.
They're just perfectly matched.

Fred, don't force it.
When it comes, it'll come.

But in the moment,
it felt exactly right.

That was then.

And she can't take that
away from you.

Love isn't planned.
You can't-- you can't conquer it.

But one of these days,

the right person
will come into your life.

Because of her,
you play the mandolin now.

That's actually true.

I never would have done it
otherwise.

[playing mandolin]

Nice. Nice.

Scusa.

Uh, you play very nice, uh,
Italian music.

Oh, thank you very much.

- We are from Italy, yeah.
- No way.

Si, si, si, si.

And do you know, mm,

"Tarantella Napoletana"?

[humming
"Tarantella Napoletana"]

[playing
"Tarantella Napoletana"]

Oh, bravo, bravo.

[camera shutter clicks]

Beautiful

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Ohh.
Oh, you're beautiful.

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0