All language subtitles for Portlandia s07e01 The Storytellers.eng

All right, guys, we are
so excited to talk strategy

for the new album.

We're really excited
to hear what you have to say.

First of all, do you know
what an album drop is?

Yeah, when you drop an album
and-- with no lead time

and no press and you just
kinda give it to everybody.

A surprise, boom.

But even that
is tame now.

- Yeah.
- That's too slow.

So one thing you could do

is you could fake your death.

Do you ever think
about doing that?

I have.

Look, you make
an announcement.

"I'm dead.
I'm really sorry, I've gone."

But if you're dead,
how do you announce it?

Such a good question.

So if El-P is the one
that dies...

Okay.

Then you're the one
that announces it.

All the fans show up
to the funeral, right?

"Look, what a sad day.

What-- it's moving.
Call the police!

No, don't, stop.

He's alive.

And he's got the album."

Oh.

His death was the new record.

I think we could
sell more records

if we left El-P dead,

but he's my friend,
and I don't want him dead.

- All right.
- He's not dead-- okay.

- It's not gonna work.
- It's not gonna work.

Okay, now, do you remember
Baby Jessica?

- Of course.
- Yeah.

Baby Jessica
fell down a well.

I was so worried about her.

I remember,
it was on the news.

It was, like,
a couple of weeks, right?

Yeah, it's all
we cared about.

Baby Jessica, what is she,

the real one, 40 now?

- I'd say 40.
- No, 41.

- Wow.
- Yeah, 41 today.

Baby Jessica's birthday?
She's 41?

Just Jessica now.

So if we re-create that,
a baby falls into a well.

When we pull her to safety,

it turns out it's your album.

The baby is
the album or the--

It's in the mouth.

Who's watching the baby?

The album's watching
the baby.

Uh...

That can hurt the baby.

We don't wanna hurt people.

What about this?

Everyone takes a pill.

When you poop it out,

a literal album drop.

Does it play
as it comes out?

No, you fish it out,
and you find it--

"Something came out of me.
I don't know-- what's this?

Oh, God!

Sweetie,
put this in the computer."

I don't... think people
are gonna be into

pulling music out of their--

I wouldn't shut it down
so quickly.

- Thank you.
- How big is the pill?

Is it necessary to have
such a large pill

for a USB stick?

- No.
- I like it.

I, um-- I think that we should
put that one in the--

in the maybe pile.

What are your thoughts
on Armageddon?

Um, it's--

The Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse

carrying your album in.

Can we actually
get that to happen?

We didn't actually think
we were gonna get this far

in the presentation.

Could you get us
anywhere between

- swallowing a pill...
- And then--

And excreting it and...

- Death.
- The end of the world?

[triumphant music]

_

[Washed Out's
"Feel It All Around" playing]

[dreamy chillwave music]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

[all chuckling]

So what was after Madrid then?

Oh, Barcelona.

It is so beautiful.

Architecture.
I mean, it's just amazing.

But it is hot,
and so this one right here

needed a cold beer,
am I right?

And so we found this great
little cerveceria.

Yeah, so we had, like,
three or four beers at this bar.

- Mm-hmm.
- We leave and then...

We realized this guy
is following us.

- Wow.
- Should we tell this?

both: - Yes, tell us.
- What happened?

Okay, well, he comes
right up to me

and he says, "Do you got
any traveler's checks on you?"

Yeah, we think
we're getting mugged.

But then I got my phone out,
I'm gonna call 911.

Yeah, we don't even know
if they have 911 in Barcelona.

We have no idea what their
emergency number is.

Right, yeah, I wouldn't--
yeah.

- And then...
- I get a look at the guy.

It's Tom Hanks.

- Pfft! What?
- No.

- Come on.
- Tom Hanks.

- Really?
- Yeah.

He just saw two Americans

and just decided
to mess with us.

- That's nice.
- What was he doing in Spain?

Filming "The Da Vinci Code."

- Great.
- Yeah, we had dinner with him.

- Really?
- You did?

- We did.
- That's cool.

- Whoa.
- Oh, he's a wonderful guy.

- Dinner with Tom Hanks.
- He's a wonderful guy.

- Yeah, really nice guy.
- Wonderful.

- I have a story too.
- Oh.

- You do?
- Yeah.

One time I thought
I lost my passport,

but I didn't.

It was in the other pocket.

Hmm.

On the inside of a coat.

I was looking in
my pants' pockets.

Where were you going?

Nowhere.

- Hmm.
- Yeah.

Well, you shoulda been there.

Carrie's got a good story.

- Oh?
- What's that abortion story?

[rock music]

- Hi.
- Hi, good afternoon.

- How are you?
- Good.

I'm checking in;
the last name's Prager.

Prager!

Ah, okay, we've got you here
for two nights.

- Is that correct?
- Yes.

And this is your first time
staying with us?

It is, yeah.

Well, a little bit
of information.

Uh, we've got our restaurant
right across the lobby.

- Okay, great.
- It's the Bri?re.

- Okay.
- It's got a rooftop lounge.

- Great.
- And, uh, I could show you

to your room if you'd like.

Uh, I should be fine.
Thank you.

Well, okay, let me
help you get to the elevator.

It's a little tricky
getting there.

Okay.

Here we go, right there.

[elevator dings]

- We've got a two-key system.
- Okay.

So bottom key goes in.

And this little wavy one that--

Do you mind
if I just try it?

I need to get
in the room.

- Just gonna do that.
- Oh, there you go.

And then just like this,
right?

Ah, there we go.

- And here we are.
- Thank you so much.

I really appreciate
all your help today.

Our pleasure.

And let me show you
how the light switches work.

- Oh, you don't have to do--
- Okay, your overhead.

- Okay.
- Lights up the room.

And if you want to turn on
the light next to the bed,

you've got this here.

Great.
I can see it.

And we've got your thermostat
for temperature control.

We use a smart temperature
control system.

The up arrow probably
makes it warmer,

and the down arrow
makes it cooler.

Oh, you've stayed with us
before apparently.

Uh, and so let me show you
the rest here.

We've got, uh,
this wall here,

and, uh, this is a closet.

Got some robes here.

You can use them after
a shower, after you're naked,

and you can use
the towel first.

And then--
II've used a robe before.

Yes, or if there are
two people here--

I don't know if
you're seeing someone

or if you have a spouse or--
Do you have aunts and uncles?

I do, but none of them will
be visiting me at the hotel.

'Cause you're not
close with them?

No, just because this
isn't a family visit.

- Uh-huh.
- You know what?

I think I've got
the closet down, so--

Yes, you do.
Of course you do.

Also here you'll see
that there's a lock.

I know you think, well, why
is there a lock from the inside?

I didn't even
think about it.

The only thing
you want to make sure

is that Captain Hook
doesn't show up with--

I'm sorry, I'm--
This is all very amusing,

but I-I really just
want to rest.

Of course.

We've got waters here.

One's free and one is $8.

Okay, well,
they're identical.

Uh, they're identical except
one has $8 written on it.

I've really got to get
to the bathroom, so...

Let's show you the bathroom.

Okay, so we've got the shower.

You reach in there
and water comes out,

and it goes
all over your body.

Yeah, I know how
a faucet works.

"Who's that? What?
Who you talking to?"

"I'm just trying to be
in the room."

"Why?"

There's tissues and--

Anyway, there seems to be
another one in there.

Anyway, there's tissues--

It keeps coming--
There come the ghosts.

There come the ghosts.

I'm sorry,
you really need to leave.

And off I go.

All I ask is that you just
give us a review

on the website.

Okay, I will.

[door closes]

[sighs]

Oh, Richard, what's
the Wi-Fi password?

Richard?
[sighs]

[bells ring]

[groans]

[suspenseful music]

Jacqueline,
what are you doing?

Reading.

Sorry to interrupt,
but I have a surprise.

I finally got
that blacklight.

Vince, I love it.

You look like a corpse.

Thank you.
Look at your eyes.

This is the best.
What took us so long?

We should live like this
forever.

What is that stuff
on your jacket?

What?
What is this?

Wait.
It's on me, too.

It's in your hair.
It's on your dress.

Ugh, turn the lights on!
Turn the lights on!

It's dust.

It's everywhere.

I just assumed the
witches' brooms were working.

My mom told me
when she bought 'em,

she's like,
"These are just for show."

And I was like,
"No, no, no,

we can use those
for cleaning."

That really means that
we haven't cleaned

in, like, three years.

Let's just get
a vacuum cleaner.

Just, I mean,
a vacuum cleaner,

no one has to know
about it.

[cheerful music]

[mellow pop music plays]

These look very nice.

"Professional performance,

hard-anodized construction,

convenient dishwasher cleanup."

both: Hmm.

Hi there. Is there anything
I can help you with?

We're just looking
at these pans.

Well, that one
is a great one.

It cooks everything
really evenly.

What do you like to cook?

Blood.

Do you have a pan
that would be good for blood?

I can check,
but I don't believe so.

How 'bout piranha meat?

I'm sorry, piranha meats?

The fish.

I didn't know you like that.

I like the bones.

- That pan could do that.
- Mm-hmm.

What's this?

That is the D-Frost Wonder.

Could you take an entire
animal from a freezer

and defrost it on there?

So I really just know that--
that it defrosts.

Do you know what happens
when you read this upside down?

What?

[speaking demonic language]

Do you need help
with anything else?

- Your name is Jamie?
- Yeah, yeah.

[laughing maniacally]

Vince.

[dramatic music]

Ooh, a little black rug.

No, that's a bathmat.

Not if we put it
in the living room.

We still need something to
address the lint and the dust.

- A vacuum cleaner.
- Mm-hmm.

[voice echoing]
Jamie!

Hi.

We're looking for
a vacuum cleaner,

something powerful.

We've got a lot
of good choices.

Do you have any pets?

None that are living.

Okay, so shedding
isn't an issue.

Well, shedding is an issue.

They're disintegrating.

Mm-hmm, so that's
a form of shedding.

Do you have anything
that's like a skeleton

with a gaping mouth
that's just sucking things

into its stomach?

Anything in the shape
of an upside-down cross?

- No.
- I think what we need

is a prodigious machine
to handle the detritus.

I think we have
something for you.

[voice echoing]
Thank you, Jamie!

Jacqueline, do you have
the bat for defrosting?

Oh, Vince, I'm so sorry.

I ground her up.

It makes a great urn,
just like you said.

Sure does.
Let me have a look at that.

[groans]
I'm so sorry.

I got it.

[vacuum whirring]

[voice echoing]
Jamie!

Jamie!

Ja--

[percussive music]

No offense.
That was awful.

I'm sorry.

I'm just not
a great storyteller.

I feel like nothing interesting
really happens to us.

That's not true.

Yeah, but we haven't,
like, met Tom Hanks.

We didn't go to Barcelona.

It's not about that.

It's just that we're
not paying attention.

It's hurting us.
It's hurting us as storytellers.

Well, what can we do?

Like, just dig deeper?
Is that--

Yes.
Yes, dig deeper.

- All right.
- Try.

Uh, digging deep.

What really affected me?

I remember one time
I lost my passport.

Okay, we need help.

So tell me,
why are we here?

Well, I think
we just want to feel

more engaged
with our own lives.

- Mm-hmm.
- We just have an inability

- to tell stories.
- So what we need to do

is get into the meat
of who you really are.

- Mm-hmm.
- Great.

Who are you?

I'm Carrie.

Uh, I'm Carrie.
I'm-I'm Fred.

I'm a female American.

Um, I like breakfast.
I like hiking.

I do too, yeah.
Breakfast.

Okay, no,
just stop there.

It's clear we need to do some--
some excavating.

It just so happens
that I got very good

at getting to the root of
character in my previous job.

Ooh, so you're from
the acting world and drama?

No, I was an identity thief.

That's-- well, that's cool.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Great.

'Cause I always thought
that identity thief

was just like, you know,
stealing, like, credit cards

and dumpster diving.

Yeah, no,
it's more than that.

- Okay.
- No, the job starts

when you emerge
from the dumpster.

No, you have
to live the life.

Okay, well,
I guess, uh, let's--

let's climb out
of the dumpster.

Let's do this.

This is a dress rehearsal
for the dinner party tonight.

And... action.

Where are the silverware?

That's not relevant.

- Who's this guy again?
- That's the waiter.

We'll have, um, two lasagnas,
cold please.

- Let's pick a subject.
- Okay.

- Horse racing.
- Horse racing, I like that.

- Okay.
- Well, we were just hearing

about a story
about horse racing,

- and my wife here--
- I'm not your wife.

I don't know
why I go to that.

Okay, we've lost the thread,
we've lost the thread,

and we've lost Harriet.

I need you to understand
the consequences here.

Stakes are high.
One down.

You are the reluctant hero
of this dinner party.

Make the listener
beg for details.

We're gonna tell one story,

one sentence at a time.

- Okay.
- You begin.

There was a goddamn dog.

And that damn dog...

Was biting us
in the goddamn face.

Okay, less-- less swearing.
I think people might--

We were trying our best.

Yeah, okay, okay.

Make that picture animate.

Compel me to give you my time!

Surprise yourself
with your own words.

Okay, so I had cash on me.

Tell it as one story.

But you decided to be
vegan that year.

Don't turn off
the meat-eaters.

Uh, so...

We went right
into the baseball game,

and we were like,
"Go Mariners!"

You've just lost
all the women!

We slept on the streets
all year.

And we actually enjoyed it.

Who enjoys homelessness?

Before we go, I just need
you to fill out these forms.

And you brought
your passports?

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, we did.

- I just need to scan them.
- Oh, okay.

And I'll get them
right back to you.

- Okay.
- And any passcodes you use

to get into, you know,
phones, iPads, ATM machines,

things like that.

Okay, Dr. Freddy 112.

[percussive music]

Well, I'm a pediatrician.

I can't diagnose that for you.

You know, as a pediatrician

I know more than how
to keep kids healthy.

I also know the best ways
to make 'em sick.

Hello.
I'm Dr. Geremy Nish-Amurau,

and every day parents come
to me with the same complaint.

We scrub our kids
and we clean their worlds.

But their immune systems just
keep getting weaker and weaker.

Well, there's
a reason for that.

You see, kids need germs.

In fact, it's now believed

that exposure to a wide
flora of germs and pathogens

early in life can actually
boost a child's immune system.

But where can we acquire
all these germs

in one convenient place?

Well, the answer was right
under our nose.

- Introducing Germy.
- [kids cheering]

The all-new, cool baby toy

made entirely
out of beard hair.

Germy provides all the germs
your baby needs.

It's BPA free, 100% organic,

and if you freeze Germy,

it's great for teething.

Earlier I gave
Danielle and Mike

a tour of our facility.

[intense music]

This is the main lab.

This is where we do
all the beard harvesting.

That way we can get the hair
right from the face

into your child's
immune system.

And we can customize these
beards to your child's needs.

For instance, if you live
in a rural area,

you might want a city beard,

something that's got some
public bathroom particulate.

Or if, let's say,
you do live in the city

and you want some
rural diseases,

well, you want to take
a gentleman like this

who might be living bear
a cow shed, if I'm not mistaken.

- That is true.
- This beard is on a man

that you can ask
any questions you want to.

Okay, what has your beard
been exposed to?

Uh, you know, goat spit,
barn lice,

muskrat dander, jasmine.

Yeah, so this is great
for a city kid

who just doesn't have exposure
to those kinds of things.

Do you have a house pet
by any chance?

I wish.

When I looked
at your children,

I look at your husband
or what he could have been,

I'd look at a beard like this
and I'd say,

"Let's add some gusto.
Let's add some barbecue sauce."

Come on, let's do a live
beard extraction.

I'll show you the process
from start to finish.

Got a gentleman here
who came in off the streets.

We're gonna try to take
that beard off in one piece.

Can I leave the moustache?

No, I'm not a barber.
I'm a pediatrician.

Such brave work
you do here.

Rachel, we're gonna do
a rip and tear.

Oh, okay.

Feel free to get
some skin on there too.

I wouldn't mind having
some blood typing.

We've had a little bit
of kickback.

Sexy boss.

[ding]

_

[wheels squeaking, rattling]

[ominous music]

[pounding at door]

- [dramatic musical flourish]
- Room service.

Um, yeah, that's me.

So, I can help you.

- I'll do the door.
- Oh--

- Um...
- I'll do the door.

Okay.

[wheel squeaking]

- Salad.
- Yes.

- Tomato.
- Great.

- Looks like everything's here.
- Coffee cup.

- Fork.
- Yep.

Knife, bottle opener.

The Dos Equis beer.

Would you like me
to unwrap the glass?

Uh, that's okay.
I got it, thank you.

Oh.

Let me help you with that.

I-I'll do it.

I'll do it.

So where are you from?

- Huh?
- Where are you from?

I am from Portland.

So is it
a pretty busy night?

The flights come in
from the East Coast,

and they check in--

I'll do it.
And they--

Okay, please keep unwrapping
while you're talking.

- Unwrap this?
- Yes.

When I was a child in
Portland, it was so cold.

It's okay.
You don't have to find it.

Oh.

[ominous music]

Okay, can I just
help you with that?

Just--

My mother in the Old Portland,

they used to make coffee
in a stone bowl,

when they crushed
the coffee.

Perfect.
Okay, I'm ready to eat.

This did not have wrap on it.

Yeah.
Okay, thank you so much.

You can just leave, okay?
Just-just right out this door.

Okay?

[knob rattling]

Um...
[knocking]

I think I locked myself out.

- Who is it?
- It's me.

It's just me.
It's Vanessa.

Room service.

Okay, I think we can do this.

Are you sure we're ready?

Yeah, I mean,
we have the story down.

- Uh-huh.
- Joan really prepared us.

- We're storytellers.
- Ready?

Here we go.

[exciting music]

[indistinct chatter]

[laughter]

That's great.

You know, one time
I saw a truck overturn.

- [all gasp]
- Wait, what?

I was just about to tell
the overturned truck story.

I don't know if anyone
wants to hear it.

- Tell us.
- We want to hear.

- Yeah.
- Should we?

- [all shush]
- It's kinda scary.

I don't know if you guys
want to hear it.

Yeah, we do, come on.

No, we--
we love crazy stories.

Well...

it was 2003.

Carrie and I were driving
to Philadelphia.

[all gasp]

We were driving
down the highway,

going pretty fast,
the windows were down.

It was completely dark out.

We were listening
to Del Shannon on the radio.

[country music plays]

We looked to our side,
we saw a truck.

[horn blares]

Suddenly, we saw that it weaved

to and fro from the lanes.

We didn't know what to do.

Do we pull off?
Do we stop?

Then it happened.

The trailer started to tip...

- slowly, slowly.
- Here you go.

- Can I have two?
- Of course.

This is--
this is going to Broadway.

The truck,
it started to slide.

20, 30, 50 yards.

And then it came to a sudden...

Halt.

[horse neigh]

Some horses from
a nearby farm galloped up,

puzzled by the sound
of the modern highway.

[imitates whinnying]

Again?

We approached the truck.

[rattling]

It was on its back.

[rattling]

The driver's side door
was open,

but there was no driver.

We looked around,
over to our left...

there he was,

looking at the truck.

He was fine.

[sighs]

And now he's
a friend of ours.

- [crowd grumbling]
- True story.

It's real.

[Falling Blind's
"Complex Story"]

[knocking at door]

Turndown service.

[ominous music]

[knocking continues]

Turndown service!

[screams]

Well, you should have let me
explain the windows.

I understand windows.

Oh, you've stayed
with us before?

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0