All language subtitles for Portlandia s06e06 TADA.eng

- Hi, I'm Bryce Shivers.
- And I'm Lisa Eversman.

Are you a scientist?

Are you a chemistry professor?

both: No?

Then fill your room with...

both: Science Lab Furniture
for Men.

What is science?

You don't know.
That's fine.

Do you like microscopes
and little beakers and...

Just fill your room with it.
Put it on your shelves.

Guys like
this kind of thing.

It's not sports.
It's kind of smart.

Ooh, test tubes...
what are they for?

Does he do experiments?

- You want this? $400.
- $1500.

$800.
How much is this one?

- [glass shatters]
- Christ.

That's a little bit of money
that we've just spent

that we don't
really have anymore.

Where are we--
a dining room or a lab?

I can't tell.

Use this for desserts,
even if you have some pud--

[glass shatters]

Jesus!
That's $600.

Ugh.

both: Science Lab Furniture
for Men.

You can get something
like an old dentist chair

and put it
in your living room.

This is great.

Damn it.

What looks cooler
than a periodic table?

- Or a flask?
- Or a Petri dish?

Or a beaker?

[glass shattering]

How many beakers
are there even?

[glass shattering]

I didn't actually fall
or break anything.

I just walked
into that room,

and I saw one of
those big metal shelves

just fall over
into another one,

and it was like a domino effect,

'cause then it hit
into another one

and another one
and another one.

That's science.

Great, so I'm gonna
take one of these beakers.

- How much is it?
- It's $400.

Okay.

[Washed Out's
"Feel It All Around" playing]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

[exciting music]

Yes.

Almost there.

- Sync up the app.
- It is synced.

- Oh, there we go.
- Wow.

So, what does it do?

It-- it tells the time.

It's very exact.
12:23.

Hey Dave,
there's a fitness app.

Where, where, where?
Oh, there, I got it.

See it?

Dave, I just took a step,
and it counted my step.

[upbeat music]

- 29, 30, 31.
- Oh, I'm at 37.

If you run in place,
you get more numbers, look.

Oh, really?

Wow, this thing's amazing.

Dave, this makes me think
we're not getting

enough steps
in our life.

There's gotta be a way
to get more steps in faster.

[dramatic music]

Runners, take your marks.

Get set.

- [starter gun fires]
- Go!

[muttering rhythmically]

Look how many steps
we're doing.

We're gonna set
a world record.

- [slide whistle]
- [crunch]

- Yah!
- Ow! Ah!

- Ugh.
- Ugh, I heard a snap.

I can't move my foot.

- I'm gonna try to keep going.
- Me too.

Ow.

We're still in the race,
right?

- Yeah, and winning still.
- No!

Come on, guys.
Hey, come on.

- Ow, Kath!
- Come on.

- Ow.
- I'm gonna just crawl, Dave.

Gah! We're still
in the race.

[grunts]

I'll finish
for the both of us.

Kath, I'll cheer you on.
Go!

Aah!

Aah!

I believe in you.

[upbeat music]

[mellow pop in background]

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You leaving?
- Yeah, I'm trying to,

but Uber's saying it's gonna be

like an extra $20 'cause of
surge pricing right now.

- Do you want a ride?
- No, I'm okay.

You know--
I'm gonna call a cab.

- Good luck.
- Mm.

[melancholy music]

- [menacing music]
- [phone rings]

- Easy Cab.
- Hi.

I would like
to order a cab.

Can I do that still?

Where are you now?

Um, 2105 Killingsworth.

2105 Killingsworth.

- You do a call?
- Yeah.

I'm just standing here
for a little bit before I leave.

Cab should be
pulling up right now.

It's pulling up.
Okay.

[ominous music] _

[car horn honking]

[engine clicking]

Hey, I'm going
to 4600 Northeast Fremont.

Okay, well,
sorry about the smell.

[sighs heavily]

Could you turn the AC on?
It's super-hot in here.

AC's broken, actually.
Uh, it's heat only in the car.

The windows
don't work either?

No.

Uh, I do have some--
some reading material.

Would you-- would you
like to read the paper?

[ominous music] _

I'm getting sick, I think.

I'm sorry, but, like,
shouldn't--

shouldn't you have turned
a while ago?

- What?
- Like, where are you going?

Let me call it in.

[radio static]

- Dispatch.
- Yeah?

- What street am I on?
- Just look at the street signs.

He's looking
on the computer.

[static]

Ah-choo!

You know what?
I'm gonna go ahead

and just look--
look this up on, um--

on Waze on my app
on my iPhone.

Dispatch will tell us.

Can I get a location
on my car?

[static]

- I don't know.
- Copy that.

You know what?
Just anywhere is fine.

- Just pull over--
- I just thought--

No, this is fine.
This is--

This is actually
where I was going.

if you could just pull over.

- [radio chatter]
- Go ahead.

- Never mind.
- Copy that.

- Let me out!
- Uh, dropping passenger off.

Here you go.

Oh, uh,
we don't take credit cards.

Well, I don't have
enough cash.

I have $5, so can you
just take me to an ATM,

and I will get you cash?

[ominous music] _

So, how much was it?

Uh, it's $51.

- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, I can't--
I can't break this.

Uh, sorry, do you have--
do you have smaller bills?

You know what?
Just, no--

just take all of it, actually,
'cause I feel sorry for you.

[menacing music]

I guess anywhere
is fine, huh?

Yeah, we're allowed to park

- wherever we want.
- There we go.

- [tires screech]
- [horn honks]

Show them your crutch.
Show them your crutch.

- Coming in.
- Hello.

- Hello?
- Hi, how can I help you?

Uh, we'd like
a booth please.

Oh, a booth?

Actually, it looks like
all of our booths are full.

But we have a table.
It's got a lot of leg room--

um, a lot of space.

- For what?
- Well--

- Speak.
- For the-- the scooter

and for the crutches.

The scooter
and the crutches.

You know that
there's a person in the scooter?

I have a name.
I'm Kath.

- And I'm Dave.
- Okay.

both: - Hi.
- Look at me.

I don't want you to see
the scooter.

- Okay.
- So, just look on there,

- and see if there's an opening.
- Okay.

Um, you know what,
a booth just opened up.

Thank you very much.
Was that so hard?

- Clear a path.
- [beeping]

- Make a Kath path.
- Keep staring, everybody.

- We notice.
- I'm not a spectacle.

[melancholy music]

[scooter beeping]

[thud]

I need this chair cleared.

Someone clear the chair,
please.

Okay, I'm com--

How many times
does she have to say it?

Coming in hot.

[bang]

It's all right.
I'll put it back there for you.

All right.

Get that foot up on the table.
There you go.

- Whoo.
- So much better.

I guess if no one's
gonna give us water...

- you want some water?
- Yes, please.

Thanks, honey.

Yeah, this is what
it's like.

Thanks for helping.

- This is wet.
- Can we get another menu?

- This is a wet menu.
- [scooter beeping]

- Hi.
- Okay, it's a delicate balance

ignoring us
and paying attention to us.

- Um--
- And you're not

hitting that balance.

All we need
is to order our food

and be treated
like normal peo-ple!

Well, I'm the host,
and I don't usually take orders,

but I can go grab
your waiter.

Oh, so you need like
a special waiter to, like,

roll up in a wheelchair
or something like that?

- Um...
- I can't even read this.

Do you want me
to get you a different menu?

No, I don't need anything.
I'm not a baby.

I'm not a little child.
I don't need a highchair.

There's not a problem
with his brain or his eyes.

- I don't--
- He can read that menu.

- I'll do the--
- Uh, there's--

- The tuba.
- Tuba-- the tuna?

- Yes.
- Okay.

- I'll have the lamb.
- The lamb.

And, no, you don't have to
cut it up for us.

- We can use our hands, okay?
- Would you--

We're like everybody else.

All right,
I'm gonna go find a waiter

and give him your order.

- Don't worry, we'll tip.
- Okay.

This is great.
I'm having the time of my life.

Dave,
we're finally marginalized,

and people are just forced
to care.

- They have to deal with this.
- Yeah.

I don't have to yell.
My scooter is yelling for me.

[scooter beeping]

You hear that?
That's music.

- Dave...
- [three beeps]

I love you too.

I'm sure that you've all
found your spot.

My name is Micah.
Welcome to the silent retreat.

You've read the literature.

You know that it's
two days of complete silence.

So, thank you all
for being here.

all: Thank you.

Don't--
[laughs]

Don't answer me, because
this is a silent retreat,

so it's the sound
of the birds and the trees

and the ground
that we are focusing on...

so we can focus on each other
and ourselves, that's all.

And we're gonna begin
in three, two--

[mouthing]
one.

[exhales]

Okay,
I can hear you exhaling.

- Sorry.
- Why did you speak?

Okay, we're gonna start
once again...

and reset.

[knuckles cracking]

- You're doing that on purpose.
- I'm sorry.

You know very well that
that's gonna drive me crazy.

I don't care, because it's
outside of this jurisdiction.

God damn it.

Where was this?
Here?

- [banging]
- Toby!

Come on, boy.

Oh, sorry, did you guys see
a dog running through here?

We haven't seen a dog.
This is a silent retreat.

Okay, good luck
with you guys's retreat.

Tobes!

Stop looking
in that direction.

This is the retreat
is here.

- [banging]
- Toby!

- Any noise that she does...
- Here, boy!

Does not exist.

So if I'm a person
coming through here like,

"Hey, hey, hey,
what time is it?

What time is it?"

Good, this is great.

Hey, wow, there's
a coyote and a wolf

coming right this way.

Great.

[imitates cat meowing]

Are we gonna hear you
for the next two days?

No talking at all.

No, well,
I would like to know,

because we paid for
a silent retreat.

I should be able
to talk to you...

and for you
to stay like that.

Let's reset.

And--

[dog barking]

Toby, what are you doing
over there, boy?

Oh, my G--
Hey, no, no, no...

Toby, Toby,
drop it.

- [phone beeps]
- Drop it.

- Toby, drop it, drop it.
- [coughing]

- [airplane engine rumbles]
- [dog barking]

Toby, come here,
hey, hey, hey.

Put that down.

Welcome to the silent retreat,
me.

I am not gonna make
any sounds whatsoever.

Three, two, one.

[sniffles]

[laughs softly]
And resetting.

[upbeat music]

Is this is
the American Disabilities Act

Portland coordinators meeting?

It is.
You found us.

Wow, our family.
Brothers and sisters.

- Hello.
- Our ancestors.

[sentimental music]

Um, we're actually right
in the middle of a meeting.

Well, let's, uh,
continue the meeting by saying

we need to change things now!

Uh, we actually have an agenda
we need to get through.

Yes, we do.
Thank you for saying that.

Right on, sister.

I think it's about time
we have special parking spots.

Something close to the front
maybe in blue or green.

- Am I right?
- Yeah!

Let's hear it!

- Yeah.
- We have them.

They're blue.

- All in favor of blue, aye.
- Aye.

Uh, we got one on the blue.
We got two on the blue.

It passes.

I have a suggestion
for changing the world.

Yes, in the gray.

- Ramps.
- We have those too.

No, no, no, no.
I'm talking ramps.

I should be seeing ramps
everywhere.

Ramps on lawns, ramps
in the middle of the street.

It should be a ramp world.
Why not?

And by the way,
did you ever notice

they only go one direction?

They should go
both directions.

[gavel banging]

Sorry, we've got to get
moving on.

Yes, we do need to be
moving forward...

as a people.

Okay, any more suggestions
for changing the world?

- Let's talk about beaches.
- Oh, yes.

Last time I went
to a beach,

this got stuck
in the sand.

She wouldn't--
she wouldn't get 2 feet.

If I put this thing in sand,
it gets caught in the tires.

It comes up to my face.
It gets caught in my pone.

Do you know what
a sandy pone is like?

Dry as a bone.

both: Sand in the pone,
dry as a bone.

I think,
and I'm gonna say it out loud,

let's pave the beach.
Let's--

[inspirational music]
Let's pave the beach.

Pave the beach.
Pave the beach.

Pave the beach.
[off-key notes]

That's right, drum along.

- Pave the--
- Sorry, stop, stop.

Our-- our organization's
been running for over 20 years.

We're dealing
with more nuance issues now

than what you're talking about.

[somber music]

Did you ever
take a look at this?

That's a temporary disability.

You're just--
you're not one of us.

You need to go.

That sounds like
discrimination to me.

Come on, Kath.
We're not wanted here.

[scooter beeping]

Okay, moving on.

[bangs piano keys]

You know, I think, Joey,

that the reason
we brought you in here

is because you
expressed interest interning.

Now, I can't be a lawyer,
why?

'Cause I didn't go
to school for it, right?

It depends what kind of law
you want to practice.

So what kind of law
is this?

This is
intellectual property law.

Right, so someone's like,
"I'm, uh, Cuckoo the Clown,"

and that guy's got another
Cuckoo the Clown, uh, makeup on.

You know,
"I-I thought of it."

The blue mouth
and the white eyes and whatever.

That's my property, you know.
You can't use my makeup.

I haven't done
a Cuckoo the Clown case.

For this week, like,
would I just sit here

and just, like, take notes?

I assume that there are
plenty of things for you to do,

whether it's filing,
running errands, making coffee.

- Making coffee.
- Making copies.

- Baking copies.
- Making copies.

- Making copies.
- Uh-huh.

Refilling the copy machine
with paper.

Somebody's saying
something wrong,

'cause I'm about
to write down,

filling the copy machine
with coffee.

Don't worry
about the coffee, Joey.

See, I don't wanna-- I don't
want to fuck up.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.

You know what, I need you
to file these testimonies.

Okay, I-I don't--
I do not have my glasses today

'cause I wanted to appear,
like, more professional.

- There's not a--
- I'm not handicapped

by my eyesight.
You know, look.

If--
Let me show you something.

Hold that up.

See, I can't--
I know the "A."

You know,
I don't know.

You know,
pass on the next one.

- It looks like--
- Joey, you wrote this.

Um, I have to go meet
with a client.

Do you want me
to take notes on that?

Well, that's not
really part of your job

as an intern.

I don't mind.
I'm happy to do it.

I got your back.

I-I would like to argue
that the sample in the IP

is basically
in public domain at this point.

What is public domain?

Like, "Jack, Jack,
the Happy Miner"?

I don't know
what that is.

You know that song.

Jack, Jack, he goes about,
he mines all he can.

He picks away
at rocks and stones.

He is a mining man.

You know, the old--
they sing it in-- in the mines.

Well, w-we're talking about
a specific case here.

I'm sorry.
Who is this?

This is Joey.
He's a-- he's an intern.

- Oh, okay.
- I'm here to serve you.

I'm the person non grata.

Does anyone want coffee
in the meantime?

We have coffee.

- Coffee?
- I have-- I'm good.

I guess we could--
could order lunch soon.

- Sure.
- I'll have a Reuben, please.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Reuben.

You know what?
Three Reubens.

- Let's all do Reubens.
- Three Reubens.

I'm gonna get a salad.
Do you want a side salad?

- Side salad?
- Yeah, side salad.

So no more Reubens.
You want a side salad instead.

- No.
- In addition.

- Plus the Reubens.
- Plus the Reubens.

- So am I canceling your salad?
- No.

It's three Reuben
sandwiches.

And we'll do this--
what is this today or tomorrow?

I'm gonna write out
what you're gonna say.

It's like a--
it's like a script.

- Okay.
- Hi, I'm Joey.

- No, you're not.
- Joey, please,

get in the elevator,
get down to the deli,

and order our food.

Now, I would like
a cooked lasagna.

So, just to review,
no company shall be required

without its written consent
to arbitrate any claim

or suit if,
"A" it is not a signatory--

You should have told me
where the conference room was.

You gotta be kidding me.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

I got food here
for them

that they had ordered before.

We sent you downstairs
to get our food 2 1/2 hours ago.

Mr. Ted,
they gave me fries.

Just set it down.

I'm new,
and I'm learning as I go.

You do see we are in
the middle of the proceedings.

Can you pass this down?

Thank you very much.

This is not a time
to have food with all these--

Who's got a Reuben?

Who's-- all right.
Ted?

Welcome to the first meeting
to form the committee

for the Temporary American
Disabilities Act

for those of us
with temporary disabilities.

Here, here,
and voila.

- Ta-da!
- Tada.

Look at us.

Burned your hand
on a curling iron.

You deserve
beautiful hair.

Carpal tunnel man?

You think we're gonna stand by
and watch you get judged?

Just 'cause you're playing
so many video games?

That's a real illness.

Frostbite
from an Antarctic cruise?

Man with lower back pain?

No, no, no, no, no!

You know what's the most
important thing about your back?

We have your back.

Tada.

Let's hear your stories.

- Sir?
- I've had my, uh--

I've had my sunburn now
for, uh, eight days.

- How does it feel?
- It's-- it's a little stingy.

Uncomfortable.

Do people stare at you
when you walk down the street?

I just explain that I forgot
to put on the sunscreen.

You know,
most people are understanding.

- Sir, you are not a sunburn.
- You're a human.

- Tada.
- Tada.

What about you,
young lady?

My LASEK's got 24 hours,
then I'm back to normal.

Better, actually.

Wow, 24 hours you're gonna be
living with that.

Imagine.
They're gonna hear your story.

Everyone is because
we're gonna be retelling it

to everyone we see.

We're here, tada,
today, tada.

both: Hurrah.

We're here tada
today tada hurrah.

We're here tada
today tada hurrah.

- We're here tada today tada.
both: - Hurrah.

And we have
a lot to do today.

- Tada.
- We need a chairman.

Someone who can speak
for all of us as one voice.

I nominate...

Where you going
with this, Dave?

I'm pointing at you.
Kath!

My wife, the love of my life--
she is a natural leader.

She should be our chairman.

Actually, I'd like
to nominate her.

Is he pointing at me?

What? The LASEK girl?

I'll be better tomorrow.

"LASEK girl,
for a better tomorrow."

No, that--
that can't stand.

Can I get a second?

How's she
gonna argue with Congress

and the Senator?
Let's-- let's hear it.

Mr. Senator,
Mr. Senator.

That's beautiful.

You all can go
with LASEK girl,

but if you want somebody
who's gonna take

your temporary condition
and turn it into

a lifelong identity,
follow me.

If you're tired
of being ostracized

or tired of not being
ostracized enough,

follow me.

If you want justice,
you follow me.

- Kath--
- What?

You're-- you're standing.

Damn it.

It was fun
while it lasted.

But the underdog status,
that was-- that was temporary.

You know?
Gotta move on.

Yeah, and hey, look
how many steps we're getting.

Wow.

All that rolling around,
we got, like, zero steps.

There was one day
where I think I did ten.

Also, we paved
the beach.

I mean, we complained,
and someone else hired

someone else
to pave the beach,

- but we did it, Kath.
- What do you think?

One last ride
for old time's sake?

- Yes.
- Oh, Dave, this is great.

Come sit here by me.

- Dave!
- Aah!

- Dave!
- Aah!

Dave, I'll save you!

I got you, hon.

- [crack]
- Aah!

[cat meows]

I'm hurt!

- Are you okay?
- No. Dave, we're back.

Uh, yeah,
my back too.

[upbeat music]

Audrey McCall
is dead.

The beach was just
named after her.

I-I had no idea.

[off-key notes]

Okay...

Back--

[laughter]

[imitating gunshots]

- [scattered giggling]
- [imitating gunshots]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0