All language subtitles for No Small Affair (1984).en

Sixteen years old
and obsessed with photography.

Most kids my age are obsessed

with the urge
that arrives with puberty...

which has a lot in common
with photography.

They both deal with images,
both are done alone,

and both require a steady hand.

I think there's room in my life
for the two,

but right now photography
is exerting the stronger pull.

Scott...

I do care about the band.

This is another approach

that I think
they'll like better.

Like L.A.
That's a better approach?

Excuse me... Excuse me.

Could you please move?

Hey, you're in my shot.

Would you please move?

Let's just forget it.

Fine.

Laura!

Don't do... Laura!

Wait a minute! Stop it!

What is the matter with you?

I hate photographing people.

People are the worst.

How's it going?

Great. How'd
they come out?

Came out pretty good. That'll
be...

Twenty dollars
is reasonable to charge

for a session of prints.

Why he wanted
a graduation photo

of his daughter is beyond me.

She only graduated
from beauty school,

and in my opinion,

she could have
used a few more classes.

She was not
what you would call photogenic.

I don't like to extend credit,
but sometimes you have to.

I wouldn't do this kind
of photography at all,

except that I need $8,642.

Whoa, Mrs. Mad Max
and her killer Doberman.

Morning, Cummings.

There's room...
really there is.

It's fine. It's okay,
Mrs. Bennett, I'm fine.

I can make it myself.

Nice dog.

No, no, I can handle it, really.

Don't worry.

Jesus Christ.

Uh-oh.

My mom must be
dating a real sport this time.

I can't wait to grow up.

I'm Charles Cummings,

if you're wondering
whose mother

you had your way with.

Hi. I'm, uh, I'm Ken.

I hope
you're planning to marry her.

You know, it is
the only decent thing to do.

What did you say to Ken
when you barged in on him

in the bathroom?

I didn't barge. I knocked first.

True barging is
when you enter without knocking.

What did you say?

Nothing. I gotta go to school.

If I have a guest in my home,
Charles,

I don't think
it's too much to ask

that you be respectful.

Yes, ma'am.

And don't think
that I don't know

about you sneaking out
at all hours.

Now, that is going
to stop as of now.

Mom... Mom, I'm gonna be late.
Oh, Charles,

I want you to come directly home
after school today.

Your brother, Leonard,
is driving up

to introduce us to his fiancée.

Mom. Mom, we met his fiancée.

But this is a new one.

Mom, has it ever occurred to you

that maybe he tells you
he's engaged to these girls

so you'll let them
sleep together

when he comes here?

Do all kids today
talk back to their parents

the way you do?
Oh, no.

Most of them are too stoned
to speak at all.

Cummings, more coffee?

No thanks.

Last call.
No thanks, Grace.

Come on, let's go, Grace,
let's go.

Four-five.
One point four.

I never
get it right.

Oh, don't worry about it, Grace.
You'll live.

Okay, one more. Go for it.

Two-eight.

Two- Oh. Ooh.
Good eye.

Do you belong
to the photography club?

No.

Oh, arrogant. I like that.

I don't suppose you're going
to the dance next weekend.

No.

Me either.

Wanna not go together?

Um, my brother Leonard
is coming in this weekend.

He'll be real crushed if we
don't have

a full weekend
of sibling rivalry.

Oh, come on, we could
go out to the airport.

I hear
they just installed

these state-of-the-art
games out there.

I really don't think so.
What's the matter?

You don't like
aggressive women?

Well...
So, uh, you ask me out.

Cummings isn't into girls,
right, Cummings, huh?

Wanna go out with me?
Take my picture naked.

Oh.

Hey, Mona...

What's your bra size?

Multiply the length of your dick
by 10 and add your IQ.

Ask a simple question,
she gives you a math problem.

Uh, Houston.
This is shuttle control.

... A renegade covert
mission fly here.

We are preparing to photograph.

Do we have permission on...

Uh, Columbia,
you have permission to fire.

And that's a two point eight
light meter reading.

Let's set
our camera accordingly.

Here we go. And that one's set.

Okay, guys, I think we caught
this sucker red-handed.

Oh, this is
a beautiful shot, guys.

This is beautiful, this sucker.
Don't ever get out of...

Oh, well, that's great.
That's great.

This is gonna be
on the cover of TIME here.

Oh, wait... we have liftoff.

Oh, boy.

It's not like
Leonard not to call.

Mm, it's exactly
like Leonard not to call.

Come on, don't worry, Joan.

The worst that happened
is they...

uh, they got hung
up in traffic.

And the very worst
that could have happened is

that their car ran off the road,

and they're bleeding to death
in a drainage ditch.

What on earth
is wrong with you, Charles?

Nothing. Why?

Whatever possessed you
to say such a thing?

I was just wondering
along with, uh, Uncle Ken here

what could be
keeping them.

I think that your interest
in photography

has gone past the point
of being healthy, Charles.

You're spending
too much time

in that darkroom with
those chemical fumes.

He's just going through a phase.

I got a call today
from the principal's office.

He was caught taking pictures
of flies in his French class.

Flies?
That's right.

One fly.

Yeah, I mean,
all boys go through this.

Probably needs to vent
some of that excess energy.

Have a girl, Chuck?

No, thanks, I'm full.

Holy shit!

All right, Charles, if you
cannot conduct yourself

like a civilized human being,
you can go to your room.

Thanks, Mom.

Uh, you can have my dessert,
Uncle Ken.

Well-

The army might not be a bad idea
for a kid like that.

Oh!

I was-
I was in the Army.

It's been said
that life is full of surprises.

Hmm, my life is mostly
predictable and pretty dull.

Until this.

You haven't seen her anywhere?
You know her?

No, I don't know her,
Cummings.

No, never seen her.

No, never did. Sorry.

Someone said if you stand
in one spot long enough,

the whole world will pass by.

I don't know who said that,
but he's an idiot.

Welcome home, Leonard.

Yeah, my little brother.

Are you still playing
in the street, huh?

Hi, I'm Susan.
Hi.

Where's the red carpet?
Nice to meet you.

What, have you met?
No.

This is the lady
of my dreams.

He's got red cheeks, huh?

She's quite a gal.

Charles... come here.

Susan, here, come on,
make yourself useful.

What do you think
this is, a vacation?

Ma was really sick about you,
you know?

Charles, don't stand
there like a lump.

You got a free hand.
Come on, help us.

Jesus Christ. What have you got
in here, your old fiancée?

Come on, come on.
Show her in. Show her in.

Susan, when you get upstairs,
run us a bath.

That's a nice motor scooter.
I like that motor scooter.

So, uh, how long
have you two known each other?

Is there a tennis court
around here?

What happened? Mom said
you'd be home last night.

Susan got a throbbing case
of los hornitos

and forced me to stop
at a disgusting adult motel.

No, it was your Mr. Winky
that was doing the throbbing.

Mom had visions of you lying
dead in a drainage ditch.

We did the drainage-ditch number
outside Santa Cruz.

Ow! Yeah,
she can't keep her hands off me.

How long you staying?
Just till next Saturday.

We'll be leaving
right after the wedding.

What wedding?

Oh, Leonard and I
are getting married.

You know,
a simple ceremony

here in the apartment.

One minister.
Several hundred guests.

Did you tell Mom?

Uh-uh.
We wanted to surprise her.

Ma!

Mom, guess what?

I don't want
to hear anymore about it.

Because
we were both-

She took the news
of Leonard's wedding plans

better than I expected.

Leonard always seemed to get
what he wanted.

I never seem to get
what I wanted.

Fortunately,
I never really wanted much.

But I wanted
desperately to find...

A girl. Yeah.

Mid-20s.

Dark, dark hair.

Um, distinguishing marks?

Uh... a symmetrical jaw line...

uh, finely sculpted cheekbones.

Her eyes?
Um, she has incredible eyes.

I have a photo
that I could bring down for you.

I have to call
a caterer... and maids.

Oh! It's the bride's parents
who are supposed to do this.

I should call them.

Who are you talking to?
The police. Missing persons.

Oh, quit being such
a smart-ass, Charles.

Who is this?

Who wants
to see big tits?

Mom, could I finish
talking to them, please?

Who are you really?

Charles, come on.
We're going to the North Beach.

It's my engagement present
to Susan.

Leonard, I'm not going.

I feel kinda funny
looking at other women's bosoms.

Well, then, you just
keep your eyes shut

and I'll describe
every juicy detail to you.

What do you mean you're
not going? I'm not.

Please,
I am trying to talk to this man,

whoever he is.
I'm sorry, Ma.

Charles, grab your fake ID,
and let's hit the streets.

I'm terribly sorry.
Now, who are you?

We got the girls.
Show time.

Hi, there. Take a peek.
Hey pal, come here.

Come on in. come on in.

Charles?

Charles.

Hi. How are you?

Oh, you should have
seen the size

of the chi-chis
on this one chick.

Wa-whoo!
Oh, my God, they were big ones.

I know I should have,
but I'm underage.

I can't legally look at
chi-chis- not even small ones.

No, no, it's no fair.
You're not having a good time.

Aw. Perhaps Susan'll
show you one of hers

when we get home.
I don't think so.

That's all right.
I'm not all that interested.

Well, we don't go home

until we get you into
at least one club.

But you have to be 21.
What do you want me to do,

wander around here
for another five years?

Oh, come on.
No, forget it.

Hey, wait.
No, wait.

Where are you going?

Wait... use my ID.

This is never gonna work.

Uh, I'm much better-looking
than you are.

You have to have a drink

to toast
my upcoming marriage.

All they can do
is just throw you out and,

uh, confiscate
Leonard's driver's license.

Uh, I'll probably get arrested.

Oh, come on.
They may not even card you.

Listen, I haven't been asked
for ID once tonight.

No, they'll ask. I always
get caught at stuff like this.

That's why I never do it.

Hi. ID.

Ah.

All right, Susan.

ID.

Let's see.

Uh, American Express gold card,
army discharge...

Uh... it's so rare I'm asked.
I'm flattered.

All right.

Hi. ID.

Huh?

That was easy.

Oh, yes.

The bouncer thought
I looked like somebody he knew.

Who?
Andrew Jackson.

Oh! Oh,
I want to sit on the balcony.

All right.

Hey, you. You work here?
Yeah.

What's your name?
Jake.

Jake- Just like the club, huh?
Yeah.

That's a coincidence.
I'm Leonard. Glad to meet you.

Jake, does she
take off her clothes?

I'm sure she does...
but not in here.

So, what, do any
of the chicks in here

take off their clothes?
No.

Why would anybody
wanna just look at a band?

Forget it. We're having one
drink, and we're out of here.

It's her!
Who?

Who is she? What's her name?
I don't know.

Good. Maybe he's got a friend.

Hey, move it.
Move it, buddy.

I tell ya, kid,
sit down!

Ernie. Out!

Let's go out.

Out! Come on.
I was a nice guy.

I let you in with that phony ID.
Don't give me any grief.

Yeah, maybe we'd better
get Charlie and just go.

Why? Charles is having fun.
No, he's not.

Hey! That's my baby brother!

Hey!

Yeah, get 'em-
Get 'em out of there.

What's your name?

Laura.

Let's go, buddy.

If he could, Leonard would
strap cymbals to his knees

and clang them during the act.

Jesus Christ!

I am not letting your escapades
spoil my Sunday brunch.

Now start eating.

Leonard,
your sausage is getting cold.

Mom, I, uh,

wouldn't worry
about Leonard's sausage.

You'd think that someone
about to get married

would have more sense.

And you can just
thank your lucky stars

that the owner isn't
pressing charges.

The bouncer knew
the ID was phony.

He even said so.
I don't want to discuss it.

I just want to have
a pleasant Sunday brunch.

These waffles are great.
Oh, well have some more.

May I be excused?
Yes.

When you clean
your plate.

I, uh, I gotta say
something here.

Charles, I know you look at me,
and you think I'm,

uh, some square dude, right?

I don't think that.

Now, don't-
no, let me finish.

I'm a '60s person, okay?

I smoked pot. I had long hair.

We all wore granny shades...
The whole bit, man.

But I don't want
to bore you with the details,

but I do want you to know
where I'm coming from.

I think I know.

Being weird and different
is not where it's at.

It takes energy, Chuck.

Energy that you could
put into being normal.

Boy, if you really work at it,
you have a real shot at being

a very successful,
normal person.

Okay, specifics.

You like to take
the, uh, the snaps, huh?

So get yourself
on the school paper. You see?

And you cover
the sports beat.

And you get yourself
some zippy clothes,

and who knows, you could
end up with a cheerleader.

He's right.

So, what
do you think?

No, no. Don't do that.
Don't censor yourself.

Huh...

Grounded.

As if Sundays
aren't bad enough.

Next time they ask me
how I feel,

I think I'll just give them

the old tried and true
"I don't know."

We are really good.

Is that why kids
almost 10 years younger than me

are on hot records and touring.
And what am I doing?

I'm sitting here
still playing bars.

Jake, would you talk to him?

I've been talking to him
for a week.

Hi.
Hi.

Didn't the cops
take you away last night?

Yeah, they did.
But my Mom bailed me out.

You'd better get out of here.

If Jake sees you,
he will break both of your legs.

Just let me give you this, and I
won't take anymore of your time.

Get down!

If that's the way you
feel, I respect your decision.

I'm glad
somebody around here does.

You couldn't get
through either.

I gotta tell you, Laura,

he makes awfully
good points.

And you're the one
who's supposed to be

convincing him to stay?
You can't deny good points.

There's nothing good
about leaving the band

to become
a half-assed studio musician.

The money is good.
The hours are good.

I didn't ask you for a list.
The conditions are good.

Hey, if you two are gonna
slug it out, do it over here

where everything is already
broken. I'll be in the office.

Why are you doing this?

Laura, I've been playing
in a rock 'n' roll band

since I've been
in junior high school,

and I'm still
a struggling musician.

I'm too old for this shit.
Come on. You're 28.

Don't you understand
that if you don't

make it young in this business
you don't make it at all?

Laura, there comes a time

when you've got
to drop the fantasy.

Then drop the fantasy,
but don't drop it on me,

because, Scott,
I'm gonna make it.

You're kidding yourself.

I'll guarantee 10 weeks.

Five hundred a week.

Tomorrow night.

Yes, I know they opened
for Fleetwood Mac, Bobby.

I saw the concert.

Yes, I heard the audience.
No, they were yelling-

"We want Fleetwood Mac" is
what they were yelling, Bobby.

No, I can't go 750.

And I- I'm telling you

that I'll stand
on the stage and hum

before I go 750.

Yeah, you think
about it too.

Jake, you don't need
to book another band.

Did you get him to stay?
You don't need Scott.

I can get Snuffy to fill in
on the keyboards. Please.

I'd love to help you out.
I think you're a great singer,

but it's gonna sound
a little thin

without the lead guitar.
No.

I'm in this business long enough
to know you need the whole band.

Okay, we'll get
another lead guitarist.

Let me talk to Murray.
Please?

Jake Lewis.

Jake, if we don't fill the club,
then you can get another band.

Listen, Murph...

And you don't
have to pay us.

Uh, hold the line
a second, Murph.

Jake, I have never asked you
for anything, but I need this.

And I'll lose the band.

Let me get back to you, Murph.

Ah, honey,
I know it's tough.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna cry.

What do you think,

I'm gonna throw you
out on the street?

It'll be okay.
We'll give it a try.

Thanks, Jake.

Oh.

You know,
I could kill that son of a bitch

for breaking
your heart like this.

Jake...
Yeah?

I know that feels broken too...
but it's not.

Yeah.

All right.
We'll give this a try.

But remember, I'm running
a business here.

If you don't draw,
we're just gonna

have to bring in
another band.

Jake, can you loan me five?

Jake!

Jake, open up.
Come on, let me out.

What? Who-
Who's in there?

You can bet it's not
a satisfied customer.

Don't let this happen again.

Hey!

He's a terrific
swimmer, isn't he?

You again.

You know, at an early
embryonic stage,

people have gills.
Just like fish.

Well, like, uh,
tadpoles actually.

There's a kid at my school

whose little brother
still has a gill.

It, uh, never grew back together

or whatever
it was supposed to do.

So he wears turtleneck
sweaters all the time.

What do you want?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Well, um...
That's not true, really.

I wanted you to look
at the photographs.

What photographs?

You're the guy
who was yelling at us

to get out of the shot.

Yeah, that's right.
That's true.

I was trying to get
the street sweeper.

Well, the light's
not real good in here,

and they're kind of
rough anyway

because I didn't
plan for the shots.

I mean, I can do
a lot better.

Um...

So, uh, you come here

just to look
at this one fish?

When something's bothering me,
I come and I watch the fish,

and whatever's bothering me
goes away.

It's not working today.

Well, uh...

I guess I'd better
be going then.

What I was wondering, actually,
is if you would allow me

to photograph you some time.
Uh, whenever it's convenient.

Look...
That's very considerate.

Do you have a portfolio?

I, I mean you should
have a portfolio.

You know, for publicity
and like that.

I'm really
a good photographer.

And I'm a really
good singer,

but I'm about to be
an out-of-work singer

unless I fill the
club where I work,

or play hide the sausage
with my boss,

which I'll never do,

and I don't have
a lead guitarist,

and I don't know where
I'm gonna find a decent one,

and I know that this all must
sound terribly trivial to you,

in comparison to your need
to take my picture,

but it's really important to me,

so I would appreciate it
if you would just go away

so I can figure out
what I'm gonna do.

Here's my number,
if you change your mind.

Charles Cummings.

Yeah, yeah. Charles.

Or, or, or
you can call me Cummings.

Fine, Cummings. Goodbye.

I only know one thing.

I'm miserable
and you're a lucky fish.

You get to look at her.

You don't exactly have
anything festive, Charles.

I can dress myself, Susan.

So let's just give him
a white shirt.

Maybe he'll spill something
colorful on it later on.

You know, you are so lucky.

You get to spend
this nice, quiet evening

at home with Mom.

Charles and I gotta go

to this boring
old stag party.

I hate stag parties.

Good, don't go.

No, I'm just kidding.

We'll get you laid tonight.

Maybe we'll both get laid.

Why do you want
to get laid?

You're getting married
in a week.

Don't you love Susan?
Oh, come on.

Of course,
I love Susan.

Listen, sex has nothing
to do with love.

Sex washes off.

Well, if I loved somebody,

I wouldn't go around having sex.
Oh, yeah, right.

You don't go around
having sex now.

Who are you in love with?

Nobody. I could have sex.
I just don't want to.

No, everybody wants to.

I bet you'd like to give
that singer a pump.

I would not.
Yeah.

I remember
asking my mother once

where babies came from,

and she told me
one of the most outrageous,

incredible stories
that I had ever heard.

It turned out to be true.

This is not natural.

Neither is that.

I never seen that before.

There's something very wrong
about looking at filth

on the same screen
you watch football.

She will receive.

Animals and gentlemen...

I'd like to introduce
Stephanie.

Hi, guys.

Where's the man
of the hour?

Right here.
What is this?

What is this?
This is your present.

We all chipped in
and got you

a hundred-buck- an-hour hooker.
Sex surrogate.

Unfortunately,
we could only raise enough

for half an hour.

That's 29 minutes more
than Leonard needs.

Hi.

Okay, enough small talk.
The meter's running.

Could you hold on
for just a minute?

Come here.

This is a one-room apartment
you got here, Einstein.

Where am I supposed
to go with her, in the closet?

Take her
into the bathroom.

I'm not gonna do it
in the bathroom.

I do it all the time.
Yeah, you're alone.

So just go right down here
behind the counter.

I, uh, I think
this is the climactic scene.

Guys, I told you,
this was a stupid idea.

Maybe she'll give us
a refund.

Um, I'll be with you
in a second.

My kid brother's here.
This makes me feel...

So, what are
you gonna do?

I know a place
we could go.

He talks?
Leave him alone. What, Chuck?

First, let's have a little toast
to my brother,

and then I'll tell you
what I have in mind.

Laura! Laura! Laura...

Would you get off the phone
and get out there?

What's going on?
I have no idea.

Let's go now.
She'll call you back.

Laura! Laura! Laura! Laura!

Laura! Laura!

So, what are you guys-
friends of Laura?

No. Just music lovers.

That chick is hot!

She's great!

Charles, hey.

Someone is here to see you,
Charles.

That's right.

I told a certain someone
what you did tonight.

You touched her, Charles.
What?

You touched her deep inside.

So I'll leave you two alone now.

You are so sweet.

Do you know that?

Leonard said you wouldn't mind.

I, um...
I have to go to school tomorrow.

Early. I have- I have
to go very early.

And what grade are you in?

Sixth.

I, uh, I mean, 11th.
I'm a junior.

Don't get nervous.

I'm not.

Good.

I don't know why I'm doing this.

I guess I'm just
in a very charitable mood.

And you...

You are so sweet.

Oh...

What's wrong?

Um, I have...
I have a headache.

Oh, maybe you'd like me
to rub the back of your neck.

Oh, no thanks.
I can rub my own neck.

Thanks.

Can you swim?
I don't know.

It's just like swimming-
the butterfly stroke.

And... I was
state champion.

I'm, uh... I, uh...

I really appreciate
what you're trying to do,

but it's just such a surprise.

There's nothing wrong
with a little surprise.

Ooh.

Ooh!

I'm sorry.
Ow.

Oh!

Leonard
didn't tell me

you were into S and M.

Oh!

Look, maybe we'd better
just stop this

before you get a concussion
or something.

Listen, it really, it's...
it's nothing personal.

It's, it's just that I-

Look, I know.

I really do understand.

The first time
is always scary.

Did Leonard tell you that?

No! Uh-uh,
it was just a wild guess.

Well... I want you to know
I think...

I think you're
a very nice lady.

Oh, and I think
you're a very nice man.

And when you're ready,

I'm sure you're gonna
make someone a very nice lover.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Um...

What?

Never mind.

What?

No, it's really it's-
it's stupid. Forget it.

Look, I've had men ask me
some very stupid questions.

Well, um...

You know,
I don't want you to think

I'm- I'm coming on to you
or anything,

but, um...

could I have a hug?

I think that's a first for me.

Yes.

Charles, what is
all the noise going on...

Mom!

Uh...
Oh!

Mom?

Mom, Stephanie.

Stephanie, Mom.
Hi.

Um, you're not
gonna believe this,

but- but Stephanie here
was state champion

of the breaststroke-
butterfly stroke.

She still has those
big, nice swimmer shoulders...

doesn't she though?

You must be
a wonderful mother

because you raised
an absolutely terrific son.

That's, um...

two terrific sons.

Grounded till I'm 40.

Well, I can see
my mother's side.

Naked women in your room
are tough to explain,

even if you're innocent,
which I still am, in spades.

Hi, Charles.
How've you been?

Fine.

Hi, Charles.
How you been?

Hey, Charles.
Hey, hey. What is this?

Is this a Frisbee for midgets?
Give it here, Nelson.

Let's see how far
I can throw it, huh?

Whoosh.

Whoop, whoop, whoop.
Nelson, give it here.

Knock it off.

Nelson, give it here.

Seriously, Charles.
I've got this friend, Bruce,

who wants to go
to the dance with you.

Uh, you can flip a coin
to see who wears the dress.

Cummings.

Excuse me.

What are you doing here?
Hi. How you doing?

Great now.

I, uh, I just wanted to
thank you for the other night.

Mm, that was nothing.

Well, it really
meant a lot to me,

and I just want you to know
that I appreciate it.

Well, how's it been
going since then?

Well, I decided
to take you up

on your proposition.

So when do you
want to do it?

Um...

Um, this is private,

so, uh, would you
mind, uh, going off

and playing with each other.
Uh, toss a ball around.

Sorry if I interrupted
something with your friends.

They're not
my friends exactly.

So when do you want
to snap me?

Oh, any time
it's convenient for you.

I mean, you don't have
to do this, you know?

How about this afternoon?

Today? Well, um, yeah.
We could do it today. Uh...

Here.

Here's my phone number.

And my address.

Tickle?
Yeah.

Just in case
something comes up.

Oh, nothing'll come up.

I just, uh,
have to go home

and get my equipment.

So I'm coming to your place?
If that's okay.

That's... fine.

Nice car.

Thanks. It's Jake's.

It needs a wash.

I'll see you in a bit.

I'm gonna
have to have a doorknob

installed on this thing.

Oh... um...

I'm, uh,
I'm here to see Miss Victor.

Hey, Laura,
that pain in the ass kid's here.

Excuse me.
Yeah, I'm sorry.

Would...

Hello...

Here I am.

I'm sure I look lovely,
so fire when ready.

Um, did...
something happen?

No. Just how I look

when I'm sitting
around the house.

Did, uh...

did, uh, did he do
something to you?

You could say that.

I read this article
about this South African tribe.

They had something like
50 different words for a cow.

It's interesting,
don't you think?

People have the most words

to describe
what they value the most.

I, uh... should have probably
read the article.

How many words do you know to
describe the female sex organ?

Um... I really don't know
what you're getting at.

I'm sure you've seen a variety

written on the bathroom walls
at school.

I guess.
So with all those words...

you'd think it's quite
a valuable commodity,

wouldn't you?

I'm sorry. Is this
making you uncomfortable?

Oh, oh, no. Not at all.

Um, I just can't help
but feeling

that we're being watched.

When I returned Jake's car...

he told me
that he'd hired another band...

so I tried to change his mind
with my most valuable commodity.

You, uh... you slept with him.

God, if I'd slept with him,
I'd still have a job.

Jake said he had
too much respect for me.

Can you believe it?

You just can't depend
on anything anymore.

Do you mind if we got out of
here and shot some place else?

Oh, no, no.

That's what I-
I brought the extra helmet for.

Do me a favor and throw a few
of these things in this bag.

Um, sure.

This stuff.

I'm gonna go clean myself up.

I, uh,
I didn't know you painted.

I don't.

They're my brother-in-law's.

I'm just loft-sitting.

Oh.

Bye-bye.

Oh, uh, hi, Mona.

Cute. She's got
some nifty moves.

No.

What, you don't
like girls?

They're okay. They're just
not real interesting.

Not like me, huh?

Pardon me.

Would you do me a favor?

Would you be kind enough
to take our picture, please?

All you have to do
is press this thing right here.

I- I know how to...

Go ahead. Go ahead.
go on.

Good.

Okay.

Uh, hold it just
like that. Yeah.

Cheese.

Yeah, that's great.

Thank you.
No, no, hold it, hold it.

No, wait, wait, wait.

Hold it, hold it right there.

Great, great.

I just only have
a couple of shots.

Oh, yeah?
No, you've got plenty.

It says 36.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

Hi.

Nice guy,
don't you think?

Wait a second.
You know what?

We gotta do something
about your wardrobe.

What's the matter?
I think it's kinda zippy.

No... You always look
like it's about to rain.

Come on.

Look at that.

Unbelievable. Just "Diana."

And she doesn't
even have to use her last name.

And nobody says "Diana who?"

Do you think
that'll ever happen to me?

Sure. Absolutely.
Why not?

Cummings, I'm starving.
How much money do you have?

Fifty cents.

Fifty cents.
Some feast we're gonna have.

Wait, I've got an idea.

Would you mind
telling me what you're doing?

Just trust me.

Is this a day or what?

Hello!
Hello.

I know you!
How are you?

Are you with the groom?
What's your name?

Yes, of course.
Where is he?

What's your...
There he is!

We're gonna go say hello.
It's so nice to see you.

Godspeed to all you guys.

I don't believe this.

What did I tell you,
a piece of cake.

Eighty-six hundred...

Eight thousand,
642 dollars.

And I didn't just make that
up either, you know?

I listed all my expenses,
like airfare, rent, food...

Women, booze, drugs.

Why Milan?
Why not New York?

I mean, isn't that
where all the magazines

and all that are?
Well...

Milan is where they'll give
a new photographer a start.

I mean, once they get a name,
then New York.

You seem to have things
pretty planned out.

What's wrong with that?
Nothing. Nothing at all.

Just... you tend
to miss a lot.

I mean, you cover
more ground

zigzagging around

than you do than going
in a straight line.

Well, you must've had plans
to get where you got.

Yes, I carefully
manipulated my life

so I could become

an unknown,
unemployed singer.

It's always
been my dream.

No, but you see, you're
gonna make it. I mean...

Can I get you
something to drink?

Yes.

Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going?

To the dames
du toilette.

Here. Do something.
Be a good boy.

Tie your shoe
or something.

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's now greet the bride
and the bridegroom

as they dance
their first dance together

as man...

and wife.

Nicky and Natasha.
Let's go.

That's sweet. Oh.

Hey, what happened?

Your girlfriend
leave you stranded?

Oh, oh, no, um-

She's just
powdering her nose.

Hmm. Hey, you getting
everything you need?

They treating you right?
Oh, it couldn't be nicer.

I can see you can
really hold your liquor.

You know the secret
of a good drinking man.

The more you eat,
the more you can drink.

Am I right?
Yeah, that's my motto.

You got a good
full belly, huh?

Oh, I'm stuffed, yeah.

I bet you are. Hmm.

Ah, let's just see here.

You got your champagne.
Yeah, yeah.

A pitcher of margaritas.
Forget your tomato juice.

Uh-oh.
Dozen or so bellini, caviar,

a few cheese puffs...
They were great.

Throw in some ramaki
and your assorted nibbles,

I say it comes
to an even 38 bucks.

How does that
sound to you?

I beg your pardon?

Unless you want to throw in
a few dollars for the tip,

but that's
entirely up to you.

Wait, wait a minute.

Uh... Wait.

Wait a minute. This-

This is a wedding, right?

Right. A wedding
for which I am paying.

A wedding to which
family and friends

were invited.

A wedding from which

you and your lovely
other freeloader

are gonna be leaving
with the cops

unless you come up
with the money.

That's the kind
of wedding this is.

Uh...

You think we're freeloaders?

You're kidding.

You don't know
who Laura Victor is?

Lead singer of the Bygones?

Possibly one
of the biggest stars

this country has today.

It's the truth.

Uh... May I drop dead
on the spot.

Kid, I think
you're full of shit,

but if you're not,
maybe we can work something out.

I don't want to do this.

I don't want this.
You got me into this,

you're gonna get me
out of it.

Come on.

You are in for
a real experience.

One of us is.

Give her a note.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen,
a wonderful surprise.

Uh, we are privileged
to have with us this evening...

the, uh, very talented

and very lovely
Miss Laura Victor,

and she's going to favor us
with a song

in honor of the newlyweds,

and at the request
of the father of the bride.

Bottle of the French champagne
for the lady

with my compliments.
You bet.

When you were singing,
I got goosebumps.

I mean that.

You were terrific, really.
I mean it.

Well, not being
my kind of music, I did okay.

If you ask me,

that's the way
you ought to sing all the time.

Nobody's asking.

Well, I never heard you
sound like that.

Good.

Hi. I'm Charles Cummings.

Big fucking deal.

Big fucking deal.

Oh!

Come, come on.

What are you doing?

I'm getting my key.

The key- oh,
the key to your heart?

No, the key's in my boot.

No, it's the key
to your heart.

Oh, there it is.

Oh, okay. Oh, my God.
My shoe.

Want me to hold you?

Okay.

Ready... and push.

Will you pull my boot
off for me, please?

I had a great time.

You know, I didn't even think
I'd like that kind of music...

But you were great.

It's old people's music.

And the only reason
why you like it

is because you're weird.

Hi, Laura,
this is Melanie.

I just heard about this gig
over at the Mark Hopkins.

They need a cocktail waitress
to work the afternoon shift,

and call Mr. Gregg
in the personnel office.

That's nice.
Good luck.

It's better than nothing.

Oh, I guess you're not home.

I tried you over at Jake's.

Uh, this is Scott, by the way.

I know who you are,
you idiot.

Listen, Laura,
I'm really sorry to hear

about you losing the gig,
but I hope you're doing okay,

and I was
just thinking about you.

So anyway, if you decide
to get out of there,

I got a big spare side
of the bed

and a window that gives you
a great view of the smog.

I'll be up until about 11:00
if you want to call.

I've got an early session
tomorrow.

They're putting
this wave sound behind some...

Chevy Truck commercial.

How can he go to bed at 11:00?

I don't think you want
to drink that.

I don't need anybody
telling me what to do.

I know what I want.

I just want
to be the best.

Laura the best...

The best cocktail waitress.

Laura, maybe, hey...

Hey, what?

"Hey, everything's
gonna work out."

Well, maybe everything
isn't gonna work out.

Maybe I'm a lousy singer
and you're a lousy photographer.

Now, don't say that.

Why, do you know
you've got what it takes?

I don't know
if I've got what it takes.

You want to get to Milan,
then you'd better go right now,

because it might not
be there tomorrow.

And then what?

You've got no dream at all.

Just go. Go.

Please.

I can't do anything
like what you're talking about

on such short notice.

Anyway,
we don't do this kind of thing,

and if we did,
you couldn't afford it.

Put your money away, kid.

It was an important lesson
I learned.

You may be disappointed
by a person's humanity,

but you'll never be
disappointed by their greed.

I felt like I had just bought

the biggest present
in the world,

and I was holding my breath
until she opened it.

Hello?

This is her.

Do I what?

Who is this?

You're disgusting.

Oh.

Listen, you disgusting-

I'm sorry. I thought
you were someone else.

What?

No, this is not
an escort service.

Well, I'm sorry.
You're sadly mistaken.

God.

Hello?

I'm sorry.
I don't understand you.

I don't speak that language.

I don't speak Arabic, no.

And I don't do that either.

Listen,
how did you get my number?

Hello?

Yeah?

Terrific. Is that a fact?

Listen,
I don't have the slightest idea

what you are even talking about.

I'm a cocktail waitress.

No, I will not
talk dirty to you.

Hey, Laura, how you doing?
Look. It's Laura.

Hi, Laura!
How are ya?

Fine. how are you?

She looks great.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, wait! Would you wait?

You.

I wanna talk to you now.
I'm taking my mid-term.

If you want to live
to take your final,

you'd better get up!

She had a bad day.

And too much coffee.

Ow.

I guess you're, uh, mad.

Half the population
of San Francisco

and some foreign nations
think I'm some kind of hooker.

Oh.
Oh?

How could you put my picture,
that picture,

and my name and my number
on the back of a taxicab?

I didn't put it on
the back of a taxicab.

I put it on the back
of 150 taxicabs.

Why?!
Well, I- I thought...

I mean, how could you do that?

I thought
that if maybe...

I mean, what an incredibly
asinine thing to do.

My phone hasn't stopped ringing.
Every pervert on the west coast

has my number.

Well, I thought it might
get you some job offers.

Oh, it got me job offers,
all right.

Some sheik wants me
to have a scene

with he and his eight wives
while he's in town.

Good thing he didn't
bring his goddamn camel!

Uh, Charles.
Would you kindly fuck off?

Laura, he's my French teacher.

Well, excuse me.
Would you kindly fuck-ez vous?

Yes.

I guess I didn't think
this out too well.

You're being too kind
to yourself.

You've made me a laughing stock
with this prank,

plus costing me my job.

Laura, I'm sorry.
I really am...

but you were the one
who told me

not to plan so much,
to zigzag around.

I want you to get rid
of those pictures.

I don't know if I can.

Why in the hell
did you do this to me?

I mean,
"Laura Victor. She's the best."

What does that mean?
Nothing.

I just thought that one thing
might lead to another.

I did it to help you.

Well, don't do things
unless people ask you.

Do you understand?
Just stay away from me!

You're a weird kid.

Come on. That is my face
and my home number up there.

I mean, how
would you like it

if you had your home number
parading around town

on the back
of 150 taxicabs?

A hundred and seventy-five.

I threw in an extra 25
because I like that kid.

Oh, terrific.

Look, I'll just sue.
I'll sue your company.

Well, go ahead.
Everybody sues me.

Well, then I'll just rip
these goddamn things

off myself, if I have to.

Oh, you are real tough,
aren't you, girly?

Don't call me girly.

You're a beautiful woman,
but for the life of me,

I can't figure out
what that kid sees in you,

laying out six grand
so he can make you

into some kind of goddamn star
or something.

What did you say?

Six-thousand dollars?

He paid you $6000?

Yeah.
And you took it?

Yeah.

He gave up Milan.
Oh, my God.

I'm such an idiot.

He gave up Milan for me.

Could you call me a cab?

Hey, how you doing?

Hi. Um, you're a friend
of Charles Cummings, right?

We share a common interest
in photography.

Uh, can I buy
you a Coke?

No. No thank you.

Listen,
if you happen to see him,

or if he comes in here,

would you please
have him call me?

He has your number?
Everyone has my number.

All right. Well, I'll have him
give you a jingle.

Great,
I really appreciate it.

What's your name?
Laura.

All right, Laura.

Thank you so much.
I really appreciate it, okay?

Okay, I'll see you
around, Laura.

Yeah.

Whoo-hoo! It works. It works.

Did you see how she let me feel
her left ya-ya, man?

You touched
her shoulder.

It's all connected, isn't it?

Hello. Is there a Charles
Cummings at this residence?

I'm sorry I disturbed you.
Thank you.

Sometimes it seems
like nothing ever works out,

and what's worse is sometimes
things almost work out

and then fall apart.

If this is the way life is,
how do people stand it?

We're closing now.

"Dear Laura...

"I imagine I'm the last person
in the world

"you want to hear from
right now,

"but I did
want you to have these.

"I know I didn't make
much of an impression on you

"when I said how sensational
you were the other night,

"and how you should keep on
singing the same way forever.

"I'm no expert
when it comes to music,

"but I'm a photographer,

"and I know
that pictures don't lie.

"I'm really very sorry for all
the trouble I've caused.

"Sincerely, Cummings.

"P.S. I know you don't
want to see me right now,

"but take my address.
Humor me.

Consider it the last request
of a condemned man."

Hello?

Yeah, sure.
I can give you a phone job.

Can you hold on?

Laura!
Oh!

It's just me.

What is it, Jake?

I don't give second chances
if that's why you're here.

Oh! No, no, no, no.

It's just that...

I've been thinking
things over, and...

and, uh, I have to admit,

I made a big mistake
when I fired you.

Matter of fact,
right when I fired you,

I was saying to myself,
"What are you doing?

She's a terrific singer.
A real talent."

That's what I said, Laura.
Honest to God.

Don't get God pissed at you too.

Okay.
Can I level with you?

No. Continue lying.

Okay, okay.

Uh, the pictures
on the back of the cabs.

Not my idea.
Oh, I know.

I read the story here.

What story?

The story here.

There's a whole big thing
in the paper,

with your picture
and everything.

You see, uh,
you and that kid are

a goddamn syndicated
human-interest story.

See? And it says
down there

that you sing
in my club.

Shoddy reporting.

A whole lot of people
have been calling up

for reservations
just to hear you sing.

And you know how
I hate to disappoint

the paying public.
Yeah, I do.

Uh, I'm desperate, Laura.
I've got a houseful of people.

Come on.
I happen to know

there's an A and R guy
from Atlantic Records

flying in from L.A.
just to hear you, but...

Jake, what do you want me to do?

Get up there and sing
a cappella?

I lost the band, remember?
No, no.

The group that replaced you
will play backup.

Yes, yes. Laura?

All right,
I'm an asshole, okay.

Don't you be one too.

I mean, this could be
a shot for you, a real shot.

I couldn't get away from her.

I thought of throwing myself
under the next taxi

as sort of a poetic gesture,

but I opted
for a slightly less poetic

and definitely
less permanent gesture.

Did you get it?
Yeah.

You know, you're gonna
catch pneumonia like that.

Yeah, I hope so.

Put this on.

Give me the bottle.
No. Put it on.

I won't give you
the booze until you do.

Okay, I'll put it on.

Okay?

Do you mind if I take a small
sip to take off the chill?

Actually,
I'd really rather you didn't.

After I gave you a raincoat?

Okay, take a sip.

That's enough.
It's not that cold.

Ahh.
There. I put some back.

Uh-huh.

Just keep it.
Old age and treachery

will beat youth and enthusiasm
every time.

A word from the wise.

Excuse me,
I'd like, uh-

You'd like what?

Um, I, um...

I'd like to have...
have sex with you,

but I'd like to be sure

that you had
some horrendous disease,

um, preferably one
that could turn out to be fatal,

but not terribly painful.

How'd you like me to run a razor
over your jugular vein?

How much would that be?

Oh, for crying out loud!

We've been standing out
here an hour and a half!

Uh, Mia.
Send a bottle

of our best champagne
over to table number three.

Okay.

Yeah, uh,
the best domestic champagne.

Uh...

He's drinking beer.

Let's just say
it's on the house.

You've got class, Jake.
Sure, I was born with it.

Waitress!
Can we order?

Ladies and gentlemen...

Laura Victor.

What the hell is this
all of a sudden?

Real good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

If anyone of that description
comes in there,

will you call me immediately?

Do you swear?

You're a Catholic Hospital,

so you'd better not
be bullshitting me.

Thank you.

You gonna tell me where
that came from, huh?

I don't know.
It just sort of slipped out.

Singing up a storm.
Girl, you were sensational.

Jake, I'm really
glad you're happy.

Yeah. Now there's
somebody I want you to meet.

No, I gotta go.

Go? What, go? You got
another set to do.

I'll be back in a few minutes.
Laura, you can't do this.

Laura, you're not big yet.

Hi. Is Cummings here?

Charles? No.
No?

Actually, I was kind of hoping
he was doing something with you.

No, he hasn't been with me.
Who is it, Leonard?

A friend of Charles.
You have no idea where he is?

No.
Oh, my God.

Isn't it enough that you
advertise on taxis.

You go door to door too.

No, I'm just
trying to find, uh, Charles.

How do you know my son?

Well, it's a long
and involved story.

Will you just
have him call me?

Yeah. He has
your number?

Yeah. Oh!

I ripped out my phone.

Um, can I leave
him a note?

Yeah, go ahead.
Uh, I need paper.

I have paper.

What's going on?
She ripped out her phone.

Well, I was
getting obscene phone calls.

Oh, dear.
What a shame.

Uh, would you mind?

You know, if you have a phone
with a four-prong jack,

you could probably
plug it right back in.

From Charles?

You were receiving obscene
phone calls from Charles?

Mom, shh. She's trying
to write a note.

Well, I don't wonder

that she receives
obscene phone calls,

running around
dressed like that, but I mean,

Charles would never
talk dirty to anyone.

Of course not.

Could you please make sure
that he gets this?

Yes.
And it's, uh, confidential.

Don't worry.
Okay.

Um, you know,
I'm sure that Cummings-

Charles- he's gonna
be back real soon.

Please make sure
that he gets that.

We will.
Thanks.

Good night.

Yeah. Bye.

She took my pen.

Jeez, I hope nothing
happened to the little creep.

Did you
bring the note?

I hid it.
Where?

Oh, I'm not telling.

Leonard.
No.

Just look for Charles.

You're no fun.

Hey, wait a minute.
I think I see something.

Go back.

Oh, God,
I think it's him.

Yeah, I think
you're right.

Charles...

Charles. Charles.

This boy is blotto.

He looks strange, Leonard.
He always looks strange.

Come on, Charles.
Come on.

Get up.

What have you been drinking,
huh, Charles?

Shame on you.

Don't laugh, Leonard.
It's not funny.

Okay, up. Up...

Take him home in the jeep.
I've got the scooter.

No, don't, Leonard. Leave it.

Aw, you're
not a wife yet.

Go.
All right. Just be careful.

Always am.

Leonard!

Susan, as you put this ring
on Leonard's finger,

repeat after me.

I take you, Leonard, to be
my lawfully wedded husband.

I take you, Leonard,

to be my lawfully
wedded husband.

To have and to hold...
To have and to hold.

He really did it.
And I was glad.

I mean,
Susan is a wonderful person.

Leonard is a wonderful person.

I am a miserable person.

I think this is referred to
as wallowing in self-pity.

I'd forget about Laura,
probably just after my death,

but I could never forget
the fool I made of myself.

And not only was I a fool.
I was penniless fool...

which is worse
than being the guy

who collects shopping carts
at the supermarket.

Can we have
the ring, please?

The ring, please.

Charles, give him the ring.
The ring?

The ring.
It's in your pocket.

Oh, uh...

Uh...

Leonard,

as you give this ring
to Susan, repeat after me.

I take you, Susan, to be
my lawfully wedded wife.

I take you, Susan, to be my
lawfully wedded wife.

To love and share my life
from this day forward.

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

Whoo-hoo!
She loves me!

This is so great!

I love you, Mom.

I love you too.

Love you too,
Uncle Ken.

Where are you going?

Hi. I just got
your note...

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Oh, my God! Ha.
Where've you been?

I mean, I didn't know
what happened to you.

I phoned your apartment.
I went by your apartment.

And I was for sure...

I didn't think I was
ever going to see you again.

I didn't think
you'd ever wanna see me again.

You look great.

Thanks.
Um, these are for you.

They're beautiful.
Thanks.

I have something for you.
Oh.

I got a contract.

I'm gonna cut a demo
on Atlantic Records.

No!
Yes.

This is wonderful!

Five-hundred dollars.

But, but I thought
you were broke.

It's an advance.
And if it hadn't been for you,

I mean, I wouldn't
even have had the chance,

and God knows
I didn't deserve it.

Oh, come on. You're terrific.
No, I'm not.

You're terrific.

There's something
that I need to say.

What?

Well...

When I grow up,
I want to be like you.

I don't know
what I'm gonna do without you.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm going to L.A. tomorrow.

L.A.?
Well, the A and R guy said

that if I'm serious
about my music,

then that's
where I should be.

Well, what about us?

That won't change.

We're friends,
and we'll always be friends.

And it doesn't matter
where I am or where you are.

Cummings,
you're my best friend.

Well, that's great.

That's, that's just...
that's just great.

Huh, that's, that's
wonderful, yeah.

Uh... hah.

I guess things
are turning out

exactly the way
I planned. Huh.

Great.

Cummings,
don't do that.

I'm just having
one for the road.

You're gonna get sick.

I am sick.

Um, did you know
that because of you,

I almost caught a disease

that I don't even think
they have a name for yet?

Uh, not to mention
wandering around

in the middle of the night,
in the rain, in a garbage bag.

You know what you hear
about leak-proof garbage bags?

Well, it's all lies.
They leak plenty.

But I won't bore you with that.
I should have known better

than to get involved
with human beings.

Ansel Adams was right.

Rocks and trees.

Give me a telephone pole
any time.

Things don't
play with your emotions.

Machines and buildings,
and cracks in the sidewalk,

they don't lead you on.

How do I
get out of here?

I must have missed something.
No!

I must have missed something.

Wait, um, here-

"Cummings... please forgive me
for being such an ass.

"Wonderful things
are happening because of you.

"I can't wait to see you.
I love you."

Laura, you wrote that,
didn't you?

Yes, I did.
You said you loved me.

I do love you.

Then how can you leave?

Because I'm, uh...

Cummings, isn't this-

I thought
this was what you wanted.

Oh, yeah,
it's exactly what I wanted-

to spend my life savings
on a woman

and have her run off to
Tinseltown to become a star.

Oh, forget it.

And you can
take your scarf back.

And it may interest
you to know

that I got a D-minus in French.

I hope you're satisfied.

I am beginning to get
a very clear vision

of how things are.

I have just been fooling myself.

Shit! Ow!

Oh, finally,
something around here works.

Oh, terrific. You're gonna
start that business.

Come on. Okay, that's enough.

Will you stop crying?

Will you please stop crying?

What... Why are
you crying?

Look, I...

Look, I know you...
you gotta go.

And I want you to go, you know.

Well, I don't want you to go,
but I want you to go.

You know what I mean.

Yeah.

I guess I'd better go
and let you pack.

But, uh, before
I go, could...

Um, could I kiss you goodbye?

Mm.

Um, I never kissed
anybody like that before.

I was pretty good, wasn't I?

Not bad.

Hello?

Uncle Ken,
can I speak to my Mom?

Yeah, uh, hold on.

It's Charles.

Charles?

I'm just calling
to tell you

I won't be home tonight.

You're not coming
home tonight?

Just wish him
a good night, Joan.

Charles, have a good night.

Way to go, Charles.

You know,
I'm pretty sure all my life

I always dreamed
in black and white.

Last night,
I dreamed in color.

I think
it's a compliment.

We timed it perfectly.

Yeah. I hate
long goodbyes.

At least, I think I'd hate 'em.

I've never
really had one before.

Cummings...
No, I-

I shouldn't
be feeling like this.

I should be happy for you.

But I'm a little too depressed
to be happy for you.

Final boarding

for United Flight 91
to Los Angeles.

Don't forget me, okay?

Hey, are you kidding?

When I'm 90, I'll lie in bed
and just think about you.

I love you.

I wasn't going to say that,
you know?

I wasn't gonna get corny.

Hey, any girl loves to hear it.

I hope you say it a lot
in your lifetime.

I know you're gonna
hear it a lot.

I've gotta go.

Well, thank...
Thank you.

I could smell her perfume
and her body on my clothes,

and I felt sadder
than I'd ever felt in my life.

I knew she'd have other men
in her life, but I didn't care.

I didn't care
if she was 90 and toothless.

I would still love her.

I wanted to fix
every detail of last night

and today in my mind

to make the memory
a photograph.

I would never love anybody
but Laura. Never.

I would never make love
to anyone again.

That's... almost... definite.