Original subtitles

Help! Somebody, help! Please?

All right, all right, relax, I'm back.

What is this?

How's his rash, need ointment?

I don't know. I'm procrastinating. It's not my favourite thing to check.

You don't have a problem checking Wyatt's.

That's 'cause I don't flash forward to Wyatt being 22 like I do Chris.

Oh... yeah!

Exactly. Stinky diaper!

Hey, hey, are you using magic?

Yeah, wait till you see how I put the ointment on.

Hi! Personal gain. Do you wanna lose your powers like Phoebe did?

- What if a demon attacks? - It'd liven things up.

- Excuse me? - I'm just kidding... sort of.

I love being a stay-at-home auntie. I really, really do.

I just...

I'm going crazy. I have to get out.

It wouldn't hurt you to get out a little bit too.

You've been cooped up in here ever since...

You know, it's okay to talk about it, Piper.

It won't hurt you. It could even help.

Talk about what?

Gideon's gone, Chris and Wyatt are safe. It all worked out.

Oh, coffee, coffee, coffee.

I cannot believe how late for work I am again.

'Morning to you too.

If you could be dressed for the wedding, when I come back, I'll honk,

and you guys can come meet me outside, okay?

Wait, what?!

Wait! What wedding?

- Wedding? - Christy's.

- Piper, don't tell me you forgot. - Christy's wedding, that's today?

Well, I can't go. The kids...

Actually, the kids were invited too. So you can go.

I think it would be good for them.

- I think it'd be good for all of us. - No, I can't go. The baby...

Needs to be exposed to a germ or two, get out of the house, you know,

- build up his immune system. - He's too young.

- He's two months old. - I know how old he is, thank you.

Look, you can't protect them from the big, bad world forever.

They are going to have to leave the house at some point.

By the way, how's Leo doing?

Well, considering who betrayed him, he's doing as well as can be expected.

I know you're here, Barbas.

You can't keep running from me!

You're afraid that vanquishing me won't ease your pain...

...because it wasn't a demon, it was an Elder.

Your very mentor who tried to kill your son.

You helped him. That's why I'm gonna kill you too.

Barbas!

Zola?

- Leo. Good, I've been calling for you. - What do you mean, where's Barbas?

- Who? - He's covering up for me.

Oh, you know he is. You tracked me here.

- What's the matter? You all right? - One of your greatest fears.

The good guys, the bad guys, they're all the same now.

Hey, that makes him just like Gideon.

Leo, what are you doing?

- Where's Barbas? - I don't know!

- Tell me! - I don't know. For God sakes, stop!

Damn. So close!

Hey, have you seen Piper?

- Up in Wyatt's room. - I'm sorry, sweetie, were you sleeping?

Why start now?

No, I was actually just trying to take a little break from nanny duties.

You're a doll to help out like you've been.

I wish I could help you, but I can't. I have to work.

Tell me what it's like,

out there in the world where men don't poop or spit on you.

You really do need to get out.

You know, maybe we can just swap jobs for the day.

- You know, I'll... I'll pay you. - Yeah?

Don't tempt me.

What, you're miserable too?

No, I wouldn't say miserable. I don't know,

I can't put my finger on it. I'm, like, in this rut or something.

You know? I just feel really disconnected.

Yeah, I agree.

You agree? What do you know about my ruts?

Well, I know you gave some great advice to

Lost in Los Altos about finding new love.

But you gave the same advice to Dumped in Daly last year.

What? Shut up, I did not!

Are you kidding?

Oh, my God, I did.

Maybe I should stop giving advice to people on finding love

until I can figure out how to find it myself.

- You'll find it. You foresaw it. - That was one big tease.

- That's what's messing me up. - No.

I think what's messing you up is Gideon.

It's the thing that's messing us all up.

He didn't just betray Leo. He betrayed all of us.

And those wounds don't heal easily.

Forgive the intrusion.

- I thought it best I come to you first. - We're not interested.

I think you'll be interested in this. Leo just tried to kill me.

I didn't want other Elders to find out. They'd think he was after us all.

Can hardly blame him.

Lack of faith's understandable given what Gideon's done.

But one bad Elder doesn't make us all bad.

- We are on the same side here. - Are we?

Leo didn't really want to kill me, I know that.

If he had, there'd have been no redeeming him.

- He would've had to have been recycled. - Recycled like plastic?

No, I mean sent back, reborn. To start the cycle of life over again.

We don't wanna punish him for killing Gideon,

but we can't abide his harming innocents in the name of revenge.

If you don't stop him, we'll have to.

- From what? - His obsession with vanquishing Barbas.

It's blinding him to reason, driving him over the edge.

And if he succeeds, it won't make his sons any safer

or the betrayal any less painful.

It won't heal his heart.

Time is of the essence too.

Not just for his sake.

There's a powerful threat looming on the horizon,

unlike any we've ever sensed before.

And for that, we'll need everybody back into the fold,

and soon.

Barbas?

I know you're here.

Show yourself.

Don't let Barbas get away.

Save your son.

- Who are you? What do you want? - Who are you talking to?

Nobody. How'd you know I was here?

I didn't. Wyatt did.

Must be that orbing thing you guys share.

He looked up and said, "Da-da."

Really?

He misses you. We all do.

I miss him too. I...

Is there anything else on Barbas besides the main entry?

No. Would you like to hold your child?

I can't.

Well, you need to, Leo.

Chris didn't die. He's alive.

You need to move on.

Not until Barbas is gone and they're both safe.

Is this absolutely necessary?

The wound is deep. It very easily could've been fatal.

I wouldn't recommend going up against an Elder again, if I were you.

The problem is that he's the one after me,

and I haven't figured out how to shake him.

In that case, then, this might all be for naught.

Thank you very much for your vote of confidence.

Actually, I don't even know what it is

that I did to offend him, except for that rug rat incident.

And that all came out okay in the end, more or less.

And it wasn't even me that was after them.

But it should be now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that?

- What was what? - You didn't see that?

See what?

Go after the baby.

That!

What?

He'll be blinded by rage, vulnerable.

You trying to tell me you didn't hear that?

Maybe we should look at that wound again.

Oh, for God's sake.

Was a rotten healer, anyway.

Who are you?

Friend or foe?

Neither, but if you want to stop the Elder,

go after the baby!

Cool.

Very, very cool.

- Phoebe, there you are. - Elise, hi.

I'm so sorry I'm late. It won't happen again.

Of course it will.

But if you keep getting responses like these, who cares?

Look at these e-mails, all from this morning's column.

- About this morning's column... - It was brilliant, Phoebe.

I mean it, you make us look classy when your advice is

- provocative, insightful... - Plagiarised?

- Don't worry, I stole from myself. - I don't understand.

Yeah, I don't understand either.

It turns out I gave the exact same advice to someone last year.

I didn't realise it until it was too late.

So? Big deal. Columnists recycle stuff all the time.

Yeah, but I don't. At least, I never used to.

And I just...

I don't think I should write anymore until I figure out why this happened.

- Don't be ridiculous! - No, I'm not being ridiculous.

I'm being honest. I can't give people recycled advice.

It's... it's just not right. It's not ethical.

- Phoebe, you can't just quit. - I don't wanna quit.

Elise, I love my job, you know.

I just don't think that I can do it right now.

Okay. All right.

Take a sabbatical.

Rest, recharge your batteries. Couple of months enough?

- Can I do that? - Of course. I'm the boss.

What happens to my column? Do you pull it?

And watch sales drop? Are you kidding?

No. I'll hire someone to ghost-write it for you.

Your readers'll never know you're gone.

Wait, what?

Phoebe? Sorry, it's your sister. She says it's important.

Go ahead, I'll handle this. Don't worry about anything.

Rest up!

Hello?

Hey, I think I have figured out how to save Leo.

If we can keep him from going after Barbas,

then we can go after him ourselves.

- Wait, what? - It's perfect.

All we do is guilt Leo into taking Piper to the wedding.

- She doesn't wanna go. - That's why I'll volunteer

to take the kids. That way, Piper won't have any excuse not to go.

While you're at the wedding, I'll be at the Book trying to find Barbas.

If we find him, how are we gonna vanquish him without

- my powers and Piper's? - You can still cast spells.

- Paige. - I'm telling you, this could work.

Not only could it save Leo,

it can get him and Piper back together, at a wedding no less.

Think about it, it could reignite sparks.

You know, do it for the children.

- Hell, do it for me. - I don't know about this.

Do you want to get out of that rut or don't you?

We have come together on this glorious day

to wed Christy and Jeevan,

who are here to build a foundation of their marriage upon the earth,

in the presence of a sacred fire and among their family and friends.

We are so late. Has the ceremony started?

- Yes, ma'am. - Oh, no.

- Okay. - I told you to go ahead and go.

I don't understand why you couldn't leave the baby with Paige.

When you're a mother, you'll understand.

That's assuming I'm gonna have any eggs left.

- How do you do this thing? - Here.

It's so nice to have a man around the house.

Yeah, except I think I should still be after Barbas.

Yeah, not until you can distinguish between a demon and an Elder.

You're stuck with us.

- Paige? Hi... - What are you doing?

- Give me that! - What do you mean?

- I'm checking on Wyatt. - You just checked.

Have you thought about seeing a shrink?

Yeah, we did that.

Look, I know you haven't been out of the house in a very, very long time,

but this is Christy's wedding, so please try to have fun.

This a wedding or an orgy?

It's a Hindu ceremony. It's supposed to be very, very, very romantic.

See, I knew this'd happen.

This is over-stimulation. We gotta get outta here.

Hey, excuse me.

- Wait! - No, no, no. No, no.

You guys go. I'll take care of Chris.

Okay? You guys go in and have a good time.

Have fun. Remember what that is, fun?

Come on.

Diaper bag.

Thank you.

You're okay.

You're okay, Chris. You're okay.

Chris, huh? Interesting name.

Same as the guy who died in your house a couple of months ago, isn't it?

- Are you following me? - Yes, I am.

I would've approached sooner, but Lieutenant Morris

thought you might need time to mourn your loss.

He's protective of you. Seems to know you real well,

which is why I asked him to be my partner on this.

You know, you and your sisters

don't seem to be getting out much lately.

Why is that, I wonder? You're not hiding from me, are you?

- We've got nothing to hide. - Good.

Then you'll have no objections coming downtown to answer questions.

- You've just been served. - Questions about what?

About what really happened to...

...the other Chris.

How he mysteriously broke out of jail, how he doesn't appear in any database,

how come you didn't have a funeral, what happened to his body.

You know, just stuff like that.

Four o'clock. Don't be late.

You know, I can almost understand you not helping us.

But to help her?

It's not like that, I swear. I don't wanna be in the middle of this.

But she knows I know something.

She knows we got history.

You think if she exposes us, she's not gonna bust you too?

Coming, Lieutenant?

You're gonna have to choose a side, Darryl.

It's just the way it works.

And now, as the circle is the symbol

of the earth and the sun and the universe,

I call the goddess and god that created all things

to bless this sacred union and to consecrate upon them that...

- Are you seeing what I'm seeing? - Yeah.

...the motivating force behind the divine...

- I don't think anybody else can. - The power of divine desire, forever.

The power of love.

You okay?

I don't know. I feel a little woozy.

Piper!

Hey, is the wedding over already?

Oh, my God!

Let's get outta here.

I don't understand. How could this have happened?

Beats the hell out of me.

Isn't she beautiful?

- I can't believe what I am seeing. - Tell me about it.

When was the last time you saw Piper grab Leo's ass?

That's not what I'm talking about. We need to do something, quickly!

Hello?

Phoebe, it's for you.

Okay, Book of Shadows, Hindu spirits.

- Hello. - Is this a bad time?

Actually, Elise, yeah. I'm kind of up to my elbows in stuff.

I just wanted to give you the good news.

The ghost-writer I was hoping to hire's in town and wants to do it!

- Isn't that terrific? - What?

Better yet, Leslie can start with tomorrow's column.

Who's Leslie?

- Don't you think I should have a say? - How soon could you get here?

'Cause I'd like you to meet as soon as possible.

Yeah, no, now's not a good time.

Okay, then how about in an hour? We'll see you then.

She can hardly wait to meet you.

Well, likewise.

She hung up on me! I cannot believe she hung up on me.

Okay, I'll just leave you two to go at it.

Bright side?

We know that Piper and Leo still have the hots for each other.

Be careful with that whole "hots" thing. It's contagious.

Don't stand too close.

It comes courtesy of Shakti, the Hindu goddess of creation,

and Shiva, her lover, the god of destruction.

Yeah, but why did this happen to Piper and Leo? Any ideas?

Why does anything happen to any of us?

Good point.

"Shakti and Shiva are invoked at weddings.

They're considered the ultimate lovers."

It's meant to be symbolic.

Unless there are magical lovers to hijack?

Read on.

"Shakti, also the ultimate mother, and Shiva together created all things.

If they consummate their love again, all things'll be obliterated,

and the Universe will be reborn."

Talk about your big bang theory.

All right, stop it!

You two, stop it right now! Stop it, stop it!

You go over there, you over here.

- And keep your hands to yourself! - But you're interrupting us.

- And saving life as we know it. - What are you talking about?

Look at your outfit. That something you normally wear?

- No. - Exactly.

This is not the first time we've been hijacked by gods,

- so you have to fight it. - I don't wanna fight it.

I haven't felt this potent in years.

Over-sharing. Any idea how to redirect his potency?

Yeah, we should send him after Barbas.

- Barbas? - What about the risk to the Elders?

The risk to the universe is greater. I made a vanquishing potion.

- I'll get it. - I won't need it.

- I'll be back. - I'll be waiting.

- Wow, is that hot or what? - Or what?

I'm gonna go to Magic School and try to find a spell to dispossess them.

Take the babies. They'll be safer there.

No! The baby stays with me.

- Okay. - Where are you going?

I have to go to, you know... work.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen, gentlemen! Please!

One at a time, if you please.

I'm failing to see the problem.

You asked for help, said we'd share the spoils.

Then you tell us you're going after the Charmed Ones.

Do you take us for fools? That's suicide!

No, we're not going after the Charmed Ones per se,

just their little baby.

Baby?

Okay, it's obvious that you have failed to grasp the bigger picture here.

So I will explain it for you again.

For the umpteenth time.

Okay.

In going after the child,

we are in effect pouring salt into the still festering wounds of the father,

who happens to be an Elder.

- The Charmed Ones' Elder. - So?

So...

...his parental instinct kicks in.

His vengeful little heart fills with rage,

and with just this tiniest little nudge from me,

he makes a mistake, a fatal mistake.

Leaving the witches unprotected by him.

Exactly. And leaving you with the best chances

at knocking them off anybody's had in years.

Almost sounds too good to be true, doesn't it?

What about that creature you told us about? How does he fit into all this?

See, that's a very good question.

One I don't have the answer to.

But he did cloak this lair so Leo couldn't track me.

That makes him a friend, a very powerful friend.

What's going on?

Oh, hi, Paige.

We're packing up, closing the school.

- What? Since when? - Since Gideon died.

Look, love him or hate him, he started this school.

Without him, there's no one left to fight for it.

I'll fight for it.

Against the Elders? You don't stand a chance.

Gideon was the only one that could convince them he could keep it safe from

- demons discovering us, or mortals. - What about the next generation?

Where are they gonna learn what needs to be learned?

I don't know.

- Is the nursery still open? - Yeah, another week or so.

Stop packing books. I'm gonna need 'em.

Come on, baby.

Elise!

Good, you're here. Come and meet your new...

So we're clear. If I don't like this person,

- we can find someone else? - Absolutely.

It's your column. You gotta be happy with him.

Him? Wha...? I'm sorry, him?

I... I better call you back.

Hi. I hope it's okay. I just wanted to get started.

- Leslie? - Surprise.

Expecting a girl?

- Well... - So were my folks.

That's how I got the name. You can call me Les.

Now, before you say no, just hear me out.

He had his own advice column in Philly, and it was totally hip,

- very hot, a perfect match for yours. - Hot, huh? Wow.

Not again.

He's relocating to LA in a couple of months,

which works out for how long you wanna be away.

That's great Elise, but... he's a... a man.

- Is that a problem? - Well, most of my readers are women.

And you don't think a man can give advice to women.

No, actually, not as well as a woman can, no.

Well, what about Dr Phil?

Dr Phil is a doctor, right? Dr Phil.

So a man can give advice to a woman if he's a doctor?

- That's not what I meant. - That's what it sounded like.

- Are you feeling all right? - Me? Yeah!

Yes, I'm feeling all right, I'm great. You kidding?

- 'Cause you don't look like you do. - You're a doctor now too?

Actually, I am... of psychology.

I wrote my doctorate on women's intuition.

- I aced it. - I bet you did.

Phoebe!

I guess that means I got the job.

Okay.

No!

Oh, no, it's okay, peanut. You're okay.

A doctor.

Doctor, my ass! I'd like to actually see proof that he's a doctor!

- What are you muttering about? - Elise!

She hired a man. Can you believe that?

- I don't know what she was thinking. - Hired a man for what?

My job, that's what.

It might be the worst idea I've ever had.

- Don't know what I was thinking. - You quit?

No, I'm just taking a sabbatical.

I was taking a sabbatical. I'm clearly not any more.

Well, don't look at me like that. You said I was in a rut.

You'll never guess what happened while we were gone.

I mean, it's just the most ridiculous...

Have you even ever heard of a male advice columnist?

- I mean, I haven't. - Try to guess. You won't be able to.

I don't care what the Book says about the divine horniness

only being rubbed off if you're attracted to someone

because there's no way I'm attracted to him!

God. I hope he's not the one from my vision.

- I think I'm gonna be sick. - Barbas tried to kidnap baby Chris.

Paige, that is not funny.

I'm not trying to be funny. It's true.

- Oh, no! - Oh, yes!

Piper's putting him to sleep. He's okay. He didn't get hurt.

Thank goodness. Leo's gonna go ballistic.

Yes, and that is precisely why Piper does not want us to tell him anything.

- Tell me what? - How much she wants you.

Piper, she desperately wants you.

- Not supposed to tell him that. - You know me with secrets.

I can't keep 'em. How'd it go with Barbas?

- Couldn't track him. - You couldn't track him,

not even with those powers inside you?

I know, strange, isn't it? So where's Piper? Upstairs?

- What happened? - You're not gonna like it.

You're not even gonna give 'em a chance to cooperate?

- Is that it? - They had the chance. They didn't show.

- We got a warrant. - Doesn't give us the right to bust in.

I want it to be a surprise.

Got something you want to say?

I'm gonna find out who this Chris really was and what they're hiding.

Now either you're with me... or you're against me.

This is why Piper didn't want us to tell you.

I'm gonna kill him. Rip the world apart until I find Barbas.

That's what we're worried about.

- Calm down till we know the facts. - What facts?

- He went after one of my sons, again. - He didn't get him.

It doesn't matter.

Police, freeze! Hands in the air!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Are you out of your mind?

Yeah, I think he is.

I just got the baby to sleep...

What happened?

Where's Leo?

- Leo. - Barbas. Where is he?

- Barbas? - How many times do you

have to go through all this before you realise they're all working together?

Leo, don't do this. You know better.

He's after your boy, I'm after your boy, they're all after your boy.

- That's why it's your greatest fear. - Where is he, damn it!

- Listen to me, Leo! Don't do this! - Kill him. Kill them all!

My, my, my, my, my.

What have we gone and done now?

Thanks.

Did you find Leo?

- Where's Chris? - He's with Wyatt in the nursery.

- What happened? - You find a spell to fix us?

- Yeah, but... - Cast it.

We call upon the mortal ways and Gods who guide but may not stay

We seek those of divinity to separate from and set them free

Are you all right?

Piper?

Go get Phoebe and then go get Barbas.

We still don't know how to find him.

I wounded him. You should be able to scry with his blood.

I killed another Elder.

It's not your fault. You were tricked.

Was I?

What have I become?

It's okay. It's okay.

Nobody else has to know.

Just try to follow the light.

I still don't think this was a good idea.

What did you want us to do, send her to purgatory?

We had to play it safe. She's too suspicious already.

Okay, but what if she remembers what really happened?

Look to your right.

Focus.

Get the C-collar and board.

Do you remember what you were doing here, Inspector?

We came to search for something.

Do you remember what happened to you?

She slipped. We're doing a lot of redecorating, and she slipped and fell.

Well, do you remember?

I...

No.

Just take a deep breath.

Good.

- She remembers the search warrant. - So? What is she gonna find?

What's going on?

Nothing. We have everything under control.

- What's up? - We've got some work to do.

Hey, why don't you come on down, show yourself.

All I want to do is thank you. It was such a very good plan.

I mean, it worked perfectly.

So...

How about we go after the witches now?

Works for us.

Well, well, well, well, well, what do you know?

It really is true. Just ask and ye shall receive.

Of course, this lair was supposed to be cloaked.

Yeah, you should probably ask your invisible friend about that.

Yeah, well, maybe I will.

Come to vanquish me, I see.

What, again?

I have one little question first.

Why the baby? What does that even get you?

Oh, the baby, that... that just gets me to you

without the bodyguard. By the way, how is old Leo anyway?

Suffering nicely, I hope.

I think we should check your fears first.

How charming.

Your greatest fear is that your nephews won't be safe...

...from me. How touching.

Of course, such a great fear paralyses you.

I can't believe you forgot about that.

Oh, we didn't forget.

We knew our greatest desire would overcome our greatest fear.

And our greatest desire is to protect our nephews from you.

You know I'll be back.

Fear always come back!

You set me up!

I never get tired of seeing that.

I wonder who he was talking to?

I don't know, and I don't wanna know.

Making yourself comfortable, I see.

Sorry.

You know, you really don't have to come in here bright and early any more.

Otherwise, it's not really a sabbatical.

Yeah, I know.

Actually, I'm gonna tell you the truth.

After I met you, I wasn't so sure I wanted to take the time off.

Made quite an impression on you, did I?

No, not really.

You kiss all the new employees their first day on the job, do you?

Yeah, well...

That was...

...you know, not what you think it was.

- Really? - Yeah.

And what do you think I think it was?

I don't know what you think it was,

but whatever you think it was, it actually wasn't.

Anyway, I thought I would wait until this morning and read what you wrote

and see if I was still comfortable with my decision.

- And? - And I liked it.

There was some good advice, considering you're a guy.

Well, thanks... I think.

Of course, I wouldn't wanna sully your good name.

You'd better not.

Good luck.

Hey, for whatever it's worth...

...you're a pretty damn good kisser.

Even though it didn't mean anything.

I'm so tired. I didn't sleep at all last night.

And it's not even because of Barbas.

Pray tell.

It's the whole Magic School thing. It's got me really depressed.

I don't know why the Elders are just shutting it down.

Well, they can do whatever they want. That's why they're them.

Yeah, well, it's not fair.

Well, who's gonna stop them?

I am.

- What? - Yeah.

Magic's the best thing that has ever happened to me, right?

I mean, other than you guys. No offence.

But you guys did happen to me at the same time that magic happened to me.

- So if you count it... - Rambling.

Right.

Aside from Gideon, the school is a great thing, right?

I think I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get back to my magical roots.

I think that's a good idea.

Any idea how you're gonna do it?

Not a clue.

Oh, my goodness...

Are you going outside? With them?

Yes, I am.

May I go, or do you want to tease me some more about it?

I'd like to tease you more, but I'll wait till you get back.

What changed?

Well, sharing a body with the ultimate mother...

- I got a few tips. - Like what?

Like I can't protect them from everything.

Or I'll probably end up making them neurotic.

We don't need more of those around here.

No, so we're just gonna have to go out and brave the big, bad world.

What about Leo? Is he gonna join?

No, he's still...

...dealing with some stuff.

Barbas was right.

Killing him doesn't kill the pain of betrayal.

Who the hell are you? What do you want?

What do we want?

We want you!