All language subtitles for The Guest Book S02E06 Invisible Son 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-NTb_track3_[eng]

[ Seagulls cawing ]

Clem: Dear everyone, just
because you think I'm a weirdo

doesn't mean I am.

In fact,
if you look at my life,

I think you'll see
I'm very normal.

I pick out my own clothes every
morning, like a normal person.

♪♪

[ Flies buzzing ]

I have a job,
like a normal person.

♪♪

I date,
like a normal person.

In fact, I've been seeing the
same girl for six months now.

♪♪

I have a normal hobby --
darts.

♪♪

♪♪

And every night, I do
what all normal people do --

I watch episodes
of my favorite TV show.

Announcer: What happens
when everyone's favorite

pro wrestler,
Captain Preposterous...

Whoo, doggie!

Announcer:
...becomes a stepfather?

You're not my dad!

I'll show side boob
if I want to show side boob.

You get a blended family

where the preposterousness
never ends.

[ Singing ]
"The Preposterouses"!

Has anyone seen
my good cape?

I'll help you find it.

Clem:
Come to think of it,

the only thing that isn't
normal about me

is my relationship
with my family.

[ Phone beeps ]

Woman:
Hey, Clem, it's me.

How you doing, stranger?

We're renting a beach house
this weekend,

and we'd love to see you.

I'll text you
the address.

Maybe you can bring that girl
we've heard about.

♪♪

[ Flies buzzing ]

Hey, thanks so much
for doing this.

I haven't seen my family
in a long time,

and my mom thinks
I have a girlfriend.

Are you kidding?

This is gonna be fun.

I usually only get to meet
clients' families

if they die
at the club.

Besides, I like you.

You're my only regular

who doesn't take his wiener out
and play with it.

Unless you don't have
a wiener.

Do you have a wiener?

I-I do.

I-I ha-- I have a wiener.

Then, you're quite
the gentleman.

♪♪

I don't understand
what the big deal is.

I mean,
so I stole Vivian's mail.

Who cares?

Well, uh, Vivian.
I mean, Vivian cares.

I mean, you ran off with
her new credit card.

I mean, if you wanted
new shoes so bad,

you should have just
stolen shoes.

Yeah, well, I didn't think that
through, obviously. [ Sighs ]

Hopefully, we can get her
to drop the charges.

But until then, you have to
get me out of here.

Okay, with what?
Bail is $50,000.

And a bail bondsman's
even gonna charge 10% of that.

So, that's basically
everything we have

in the whole
wedding fund.

I mean, goodbye
chocolate foundation.

Cut it out.
Let's wrap it up.

We need this room
for a strip search.

[ Baby fusses ]

Here.

Just give me a second.

-Why?
-Just give me a sec.

-Why?
-Because I need a second.

-Why?
-Because I do.

Why?

Because there were two women in
the hallway who were making out,

and now
I have a boner.

And I don't want to hold my son
while I have a boner.

Okay, well,
why didn't you just say so?

Let me know
when it's gone.

[ Sighs ]

Yeah, the girls in here
are really horny.

I mean, one of them keeps
calling me her little kitty

and saying she wants to
lick me all over --

You're just
prolonging this.

[ Flies buzzing ]

[ Sighs ] Well, if we're
gonna pretend to be dating,

we should probably know
some stuff about each other.

Like, I'm allergic to laundry
detergent, I like darts,

and I still have two
of my baby teeth.

Wow.

Oh, oh!
And my name's Clem.

Got it. Yeah. Clem.

Oh, well, my real name
is Dorothy.

I grew up
in the mountains,

but I moved
when the bikini bar closed.

I'm allergic to
horsehair carpet,

my favorite color
is smoky lavender,

and I bleach
my butthole.

Really?

Well, from my side of the glass,
it looks very natural.

Thanks.

I got a great butthole guy,
if you want his number.

Good to know.

♪♪

Eddie: Okay.
Yeah, well, I got to go.

Bye.

[ Bell rings ]

Whoa!
Where'd you get that?

Got it from some triplets

who were sick
of fighting over it.

You were saying you get lonely
when I'm out delivering food,

so I thought, this way, you
could come with me sometimes.

Sometimes?
How about all the time?

You can steer.
I'll sit on the back

and feed you Pringles when you
get hungry -- partners.

We'll split tips 50-50.

Yeah, o-okay.

I usually just pull over to
the sidewalk to enjoy my chips.

But okay.

Hey, have you seen my
Washington Capitals T-shirt?

It's really soft, so I like
to wear it in the morning

when I'm sitting quietly
on the beach

thinking about nothing
for 20 minutes.

You mean meditating.

What's meditating?

Oh! Oh!

I'm also allergic to nuts --
all of them.

Except for raisins.

Are raisins nuts?

Well, maybe not
technically,

but they're always
hanging out together.

I think they're,
like, food cousins.

Hmm.

Oh, uh,
there's one last thing

I should warn you
about my family --

uh, there's a very strong
chance that we might...

Whoo! Don't --

Never mind.
It's just Clem.

...be on TV?

Clem:
I suppose you could argue that
keeping a big part of your life

secret from the rest of
the world isn't normal,

but I guess I'm worried
no one would believe me.

♪♪

[ Motor whirring ]

[ Whirring stops ]

Clem, you came!
Are you alone?

-Uh...no.
-Hey, Clem.

Who's your friend?

Sinnomin. [cinnamon]
Ah, uh...

is her, uh, favorite spice,
but her real name is Dorothy.

Nice to meet you,
Dorothy.

I like nutmeg.

Wait a minute.

I've seen this show.

Yo-You're the wrestler
who's always saying --

Whooooooooooooooo, doggie!

Yep.

And you're the one
that always says --

Suck my puss!

Nice to meet you.

I like that eye shadow.
What color is that?

Smoky lavender.

I can't believe this.
I love you guys.

I-I've been saving up to buy one
of those electric lip plumpers

you do the commercials for.

Don't be silly.

A friend of Clem's
doesn't pay for fuller lips.

Oh, my God.
Thank you!

You just saved me seven
easy payments of $29.99

plus the shipping
and handling.

Shipping and handling
is where they get you.

Handling isn't even
a thing.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Can we do
the meet and greet later?

That's the food-delivery guy,
and we're trying to create

a little
preposterousness.

Picture's up!

Clem, you and your friend can go
wait upstairs in the bedroom.

Oh.

All right. Sure.

Um, come on.

♪♪

Oh. What are we
supposed to do with this guy?

I don't know.
Just try and rile him up

and we'll see
where it goes.

I hope your dumb ass
brought duck sauce.

Uh, no.

This isn't
Chinese food.

Aw, hell no.

You better not be bringing
the race card into this.

Whooooooooooooooo,
doggie!

[ Whispering ] I think I have
some duck sauce

back in my van
if you want to go back.

Hey, guys,
can you step in?

You're kind of in
a bad light, there.

I can't believe this.

Captain Prepostitous
is your father?

No. Uh, my real dad
took off when I was two.

But it's kind of
a long story.

As a child, I had a condition
that left me with bald spots.

And because of that,
people thought I was weird.

So, I usually just stayed
inside with my sister.

We loved wrestling,

and our favorite wrestler
was Captain Preposterous.

Signature move!

[ Camera shutter clicks ] So, when he came to town,

my mother took me to meet him.

♪♪

[ Doorbell rings ]

It turned out
Captain Preposterous

was a real romantic.

♪♪

[ Doorbell rings ]

And it didn't take long
for him to pop the question.

♪♪

Just like that,
we were a family --

a family that
Captain Preposterous thought

should have their own
reality show.

So, there I am, getting scolded
for speaking out of turn

in the middle of
a PTA meeting.

Me, getting scolded!

Can you imagine?

That is hilarious.

I am sold.

And now that "Hogan Knows Best"
has been cancelled,

there's a Hulk-sized hole
in the market.

Before I knew it,
there were cameras

filming everyone
in the house.

Hold!

Well, almost everyone.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you guys
were in here.

Someone at the network thought
the weird little bald kid

distracted from the rest
of the family.

Action!

The show became a hit,

and for the last eight years,
it's all they do.

Captain Preposterous: She can
stay on the floor. I don't care.

Watching TV became the only way
for me to spend time with them.

♪♪

But then, a few months ago,
I-I started taking this medicine

for my hair loss,
you know?

So, I figured, if I came back
with a girlfriend,

then maybe they would finally
think I was normal

and maybe let me be
on their TV show.

Tiffany:
You better suck my puss!

I'm sorry.
Suck your what?

[ Whispering ] I think
she said her puss.

[ Chuckles ] And her parents
are right there.

[ Both chuckling ]

-This isn't working.
-Fine.

Cut.

I thought we'd try and capture
something real for once.

Never mind.

Gail, get everybody a copy of
the script for the séance scene.

Guys, I need you to sign
this release form

in case we use
any of that.

We might be on TV?

-I hope not.
-Oh, I can't.

I told my parents
I've been attending law school

in Connecticut, so...

if they see this,
they're gonna want to talk.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

We're gonna get Mommy
out of jail, okay?

[ Baby fussing ]All right.

Okay.
There we go.

We did it.
All right.

[ Sighs ]

Vivian!

[ Sniffs ]

Vivian,
I know you're in there.

Why did Eddie have to show up
and take you away from me?

I'm sure you're probably upset
because Nikki stole your mail,

but I can explain
the whole thing.

I was doing
everything right --

acting like a lady,

waiting for you
to make the first move...

[ Muffled ] Vivian!

She's sick, okay?

She's -- She's addicted
to shoe shopping.

...pretending to be
all sweet and innocent.

Oh, yeah,
you like that.

I shredded her
credit cards,

but it forced her to get one
somewhere else.

You're perfect.

Did you know that?

Not, like, perfectperfect,
but, like, perfect for me,

because I am a little
older than you.

But you're also kind of really,
really, really, really dumb

and also homeless,
which is a dealbreaker

for a lot of women
other than me.

Come here. Shh.

Come here.
Shh. Come here.

Vi-Vivian,
I think I saw you move.

-What the hell is that?
-This is an O-I-jee board.

-Ouija [wee-jee] board.
-Ouija [wee-jee] board.

You won't listen to me,
so I thought we'd ask

your real dad if you
should go to college.

That's why we came to the beach
for the weekend, honey.

Since your dad died on a boat,
this is the...

Line!

"This is the closest
we can get to his spirit

without getting
our hair wet."

This is the closest we can get
to his spirit

without getting
our hair wet.

Washington.[ Clicks ]

White House.[ Clicks ]

This is bullshit.
You should be out there

pretending to talk to
your dead dad.

Have you told them that you
want to be on the show?

No.

I mean, I've had
the conversation,

like, a thousand times
in my head.

I'm -- I'm just
too much of a pussy

to say anything out loud.

That's crazy.

Hey, you're not a pussy.

You asked me to come here and
pretend to be your girlfriend.

That took a lot of guts.

-Really?
-Yeah.

You don't know me.

Halfway here, I could have taken
out a knife and robbed you.

That's, like,
a real possibility.

I have a knife in my purse,
and I've robbed people before.

Well, thanks, but I didn't
really ask you.

I-I wrote it down
on a piece of paper.

It's -- It's much easier
than actually talking.

So write it down.

Here.

-Serious?
-Yeah. Why not?

But don't just ask
to be on the show.

First, you need to convince them
that you're not a weirdo.

Dear everyone, just because
you think I'm a weirdo

doesn't mean I am.[ Motor whirring ]

In fact,
if you look at my life,

I think you'll see
I'm very normal.[ Laughing ]

I pick out my own clothes every
morning, like a normal person.

I have a job,
like a normal person.[ Laughing continues ]

I date,
like a normal person.

♪♪

No. You're spelling
"Annapolis" wrong again.

Clem has something
he wants you all to read.

Guys, can we just
get a minute?

Clem, what is this?

That? Nothing. Nothing.
Nothing important. What?

No, Clem,
you got -- You --

He wants to be
on the show.

You can't just pretend
he doesn't exist

because you think
he's weird.

He's your family.

-Our family?
-[ Sighs ]

-Clem, what did you tell her?
-Nothing. Nothing.

Clem?

What did --
What did youtell her, huh?

Please stop --
Please stop talking.

Please stop talking.
Suck my puss.

Suck my puss.
Whoooooooooo, doggie! Mm!

Clem, it's okay.
I'm gonna call your mother.

I'm gonna call
yourmother!

I thought you
were his mother.

I think you're
just confused.

I think you'reconfused.

Uh, what the hell
is going on here?

It's a long story.

You'rea long story!

Loretta: We met Clem
when he was 13.

Signature move!

His mother, Diane,
was our housekeeper,

and she would bring Clem
to work because...

well, he had some issues --

the worst being that
he would eat his hair

whenever he got upset,
which was a lot.

Anyway, I felt bad for Diane,

so I tried to include
her and Clem when I could.

[ Gasps ]

But once we started
filming the show,

it became difficult
to have Clem around.

He kept finding excuses
to sneak on camera.

Hold!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you guys
were in here.

♪♪

Plus, in season three,
we had to get rid of Diane

because the network wanted to
add some sexy diversity.

♪♪

Diane understood,
but Clem didn't.

Come on.
Here you go, Clem.

Clem!
Come on! Clem!

We got to go!

Hey! Come on!

[ Straining ]

Diane and I still
keep in touch, though.

Last we spoke, Clem's shrink
had him on anti-psychotic meds

that control
the hair eating

as long he avoids
stressful situations,

like picking out clothes.

She also said
he has a job.

He's been
seeing a girl.

He even has a hobby.

And he never misses
an episode of our show.

So, I thought it would be nice
to try and see him

while we were in town.

[ On answering machine ]
I'll text you the address.

Maybe you can bring that girl
we've heard about.

And please tell your mom
to come, too.

Bye.
[ Clicks ]

Who was that
on the phone?

DMV.
Uh, uh, you got --

you got to call them back.
Ask for Rick.

[ Beeps ]Computerized voice:
Message deleted.

♪♪

His mother told me
he used to like to pretend

that he was related to us.
I thought it was sweet.

I didn't actually think
he believed it.

Maybe we should
call the cops.

Not yet. Clem, can you tell me
how you're feeling right now?

Leave him alone.
Clem, I'm gonna call your mom.

No!
I'm staying here,

with Captain Preposterous
and my family.

We're not
your family, Clem.

So, just calm down, or we're
gonna have to call the police.

Stay back!

♪♪

♪♪

[ Clatters ]

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

Whoooooo, doggie!

[ Grunts ]

[ Breathing heavily ]
Sorry.

Once I start, my signature-move
muscle memory kicks in.

I got to finish.

[ Coughs ]

[ Radio chatter ]

Buddy,
that was awesome.

It's the most real
this show has ever been.

It's gonna be
our best episode yet.

I'm gonna be on TV?
With Captain Preposterous?

Yep.
You're gonna be a star.

I just need you
to sign this release.

Are you going to use the part
where he uses

his signature move
to immobilize me?

Are you kidding? I think it's
gonna be the act break.

Put the pen
in my mouth.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ When I didn't hear back,
went and packed my bags ♪

♪ And I started on my search

♪ Yeah, I'm bound to find you
and remind you ♪

♪ That living without you
is the worst ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no

♪ I ain't letting go

♪ We were meant to be

♪ This is destiny

♪ I know you know

♪ I ain't letting go

♪ I found your cellphone
records, utility bill ♪

♪ And prescriptions
for some sleeping pills ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm getting close

♪ My love's like
rock 'n' roll ♪

[ Retches ]♪ It never dies

♪ It never dies, no

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no

♪ I ain't letting go

♪ We were meant to be

♪ This is destiny

♪ I know you know

♪ I ain't letting go

♪ Lace up my boots

♪ I battled for you

♪ It's what I do

Hey. I'm here to pick up
the keys for Bare Feet Retreat.

Okay. Well, I hope you're here
for the music festival.

If not, you picked
the wrong weekend.

It gets a little crazy.

Oh, no. We're --
We're here for Beacharoo.

We might, uh, look like
a couple of boring parents,

but she has a tramp stamp
from Coachella

and I got my nipple
pierced at the mall.

Okay. Great.
Well, I'll just find the keys.

♪ Yeah, I'll keep you safe

♪ Smile on that pretty face

Are we sure he's
old enough for this?

He still
sucks his thumb.

That's exactly why
this is a good idea.

Boy's got to
grow up sometime.

♪ I ain't letting go

♪ I ain't letting go

♪ No, I ain't letting go